Texting In Sick: The How-To Guide

With the emergence of text messaging and e-

mails, normal human interaction is on the
decline. Texting in particular has replaced
regular telephone conversation, and we no
longer have to worry about ad-lib mistakes in
dialogue. In fact we can edit and re-edit
everything we wish to convey, so we appear
cleverer, funnier, and more literate than we
may actually be. So why not use this exuberant
gift from the Gods for a higher purpose? Why
not use it to text in sick to work?

(Editor's note: Proceed with caution. If you

need a reminder of the dangers of texting in
sick, click here.)

Below is a tried and tested way to text in sick to work. I know it works,
because I use it. I use it all the time. In fact, I’m using it right now
which is why I’m sitting on my firm ass writing this beautiful piece of
slightly arousing art. Oh my God, did I just say that? It’s a pity my
delete button is broke, otherwise I’d use it. Anyway, here’s how it
works.

The Day Before

When you are in work the day before you plan to text in sick, you must
drop some hints to your boss and colleagues that suggest you may not
be feeling 100%. Let everyone know that you are feeling tired,
feverish, and extremely weak. If you can actually leave work early then
you are on the path to freedom already my delicious-young-job-raging-
warrior. Note that most of the time you will not be allowed to leave
early, but you have already put in the necessary ground work for your
sick day.

The Pre-Sick Text

Before you go to bed that night, prepare a text. You will send this text
message about three hours before you are due to arrive into work. This
gives the impression that you have been awake all night. It also shows
your boss that you are thinking about work, which suggests you are a
concerned employee. Also this text will not actually say you won’t be
in. All we are doing here is suggesting that you MAY not be in. So when
you do text in sick later, the boss will not be that surprised. Also, do
not worry about getting up early in the morning to send the text, as
most telephone providers will have some sort of web based text you
can schedule, which will be sent from your number. The text should be
short and simple. Something like, 'Hi, I’ve been up all night vomiting,
I’m going to try to go to sleep now and I will let you know how I feel
later.'

The Sick Text

After you have sent your pre-sick text, you must then send the sick
text which will tell your boss that you won’t be in. You should send this
text about 10-15 minutes after the expected time of your arrival. This
will also help, because again the boss will not be surprised when he
receives the news. All of these hidden suggestions will allow the boss
to get used to fact that you may not be in. We continually expose him
to the suggestion of you calling in sick, so when we do it he will be de-
conditioned to it (his emotional response will not be as strong). The
text message should be to the point. Say you will not be in, as you are
feeling terrible. You have been up for most of the night. At the end you
should say you will call later in the day to let him know how you are
feeling (which of course you will not). At the very end of the text you
should try to add in some humor. Humor is a good way of disguising
dishonesty. But remember, the message must be as short as possible.
People who lie always give away un-necessary information, and say too
much.

Points to note:

The best day to text in sick is a Friday. The reason for this is because
your boss will more than likely be happier on a Friday. Also, he has the
weekend to forget that you text in sick. On a scale of time versus
emotion, emotion associated with an event becomes weaker as time
progresses. So even if he is pissed off, he will be less pissed off if two
days have elapsed in between. If he asks you on Monday, why you only
“text” in sick, tell him that you were just feeling so ill that you couldn’t
call. Then distract him from this question, by telling him that you still
feel terrible, but you simply could not stay at home for another day,
because you were so bored and just want to get back to work. You can
probably get away with doing this once every 6-8 weeks, depending on
how the first one goes.

Now go, be free, run naked through the lush meadows, go surfing in
the deep blue sea, climb a tree, or get drunk with friends whilst cliff
diving, but please do not go back to bed. You have a day off. Use it
wisely my friend, for tomorrow we die.