Jack OHalloran

Boston Latin School

Class of 2015

1 in 20

These tools were developed in

tandem with anonymous middle- and
high-school-aged Boston Latin School
students during a series of open
workshops about childhood and
parenting. They draw on the ideas of
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (#1,
#2) and Rev. Katie Norris (#3).

parents

Thats a startling
statistic.
And often, our first reaction
is to distance ourselves from
it other people think child
abuse is okay, but not me.
Unfortunately, many wellintentioned people condone
or engage in behaviors that
straddle the line between
abusive and non-abusive
behaviors: physical
punishment and verbal
abuse (yelling, shouting, and
swearing at children); and
with controlling behaviors
generally.1
Both physical punishment
and verbal abuse have longterm negative effects on
childrens emotional well-

For more information, see

http://threetoolsforadults.weebly.com

Sources
1.
2.

3.

4.

5.

Survey conducted by the author. (See

above website for details.)
Is Corporal Punishment an Effective
Means of Discipline? American
Psychological Association: 2006 June 26.
Web.
Yelling Doesnt Help, May Harm
Adolescents, Pitt-Led Study Finds. News
Services. University of Pittsburgh: 2013
September 4. Web.
Norris, Katie. Respecting Childrens
Emotions. The Body Is Not An Apology.
2014 April 9. Web.
Faber, Adele and Mazlish, Elaine. How To
Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So

believe
that
nothing is
wrong with
beating

being.2 3 Its imperative that

we address our own behavior
interacting with children, so
we dont end up hurting the
people we want to protect.

Three Tools for Better

Interaction With
Children
The unquestioned assumption of
parenting and, generally, of
interacting with children is that
we know best for children. Adults
are allowed to trick, manipulate,
coax, threaten, and outright force
children into doing what we want
them to, with little to no say on
the childs part.
When children arent immediately
compliant with our wishes, we too
easily turn to threatening, yelling,
and corporal punishment all of
which come with severe long-term
psychological health problems.

Kids Will Talk. Scribner: New York, 1980.

1. Communicate, dont
threaten.
Its easy to talk to children as if
were issuing orders. Pick up
your toys. Take a bath. Stop
playing with your food. If they
dont obey, we start issuing
threats. Im going to count to
three, and youd better be down
here!
Threatening is a form of verbal
abuse, the negative effects of
which are comparable to those of
physical abuse.3
Instead, try: Could you pick up
your toys, please? I keep
stepping on them. Try: Youre
getting dirty youll feel a lot

children.

2. Give them a choice.

If you ask a child, for example,
Could you pick up your toys,
please? and they say No, dont
force the issue.
Allowing misbehavior doesnt
sound like a victory; but only if the
goal is immediate compliance.
When the goal is building longterm trust and respect,
respecting childrens decisions
goes a long way.

3. Ask yourself, Why this

emotion?
This tool applies specifically to
situations when a childs behavior
seems irrational or inappropriate.

We need let go of control-based

parenting, including anything that
boils down to Do what I want
because Im older than you.
The following pages contain three
tools that will help anyone,
parents and non-parents alike,
form more meaningful and less
violent relationships with the
children in their lives.

cleaner if you take a bath.

So long as the child isnt putting
themselves or anyone else in
danger, communicating your
desires with them on a personto-person level explaining
why you, personally, want them
to do something; rather than
drawing on your power as an
adult (Because I said so)
does a lot more good than using
threats or force to yield
compliance.

Understanding the source of

childrens distress can help adults
better communicate and avoid
using coercion and threats.
Rev. Katie Norris, who developed
this tool, used the specific
example of a child who cried
anytime he was asked to leave
the house. Eventually, rather than
force him to keep going, she
asked him why he was upset
and eventually discovered that his
coat was causing him pain.5