Scientology Strikes Back

Well, the HBO documentary about Scientology, Going Clear,

caused a big uproar.
Yeah, I heard Tom Cruise may cut back his donations to only
9 figures.
DAVID MISCAVIGE
BENNETT
MINION 1
MINION 2
DAVID gets up and switches off his set as his MINIONS
watch.
DAVID
I cant believe they allow those
lies about our mighty Church of
Scientology to be presented on TV.
MINION 1
It isnt TV, its HBO.

Shut up.

DAVID
What are they up to?

MINION 2
You know how it is, you get too
rich and powerful then everyone
comes after you. Thank goodness
none of our leaders are abusing
young boys, like those Catholics.
Theyd be all over us for that.
DAVID
Right, good thing thats not
happening here
Well, this documentary is the last
straw. Hollywood has declared war
on us! As our leader, I declare
that we shall now retaliate!
Bennett, get me the big Hollywood
file.
BENNETT
Not the big Hollywood file!

MINION 1
Thats like the nuclear option!
MINION 2
Only worse, because it involves
celebrities!
Bennett brings out a big binder.
BENNETT
(saluting)
Here, milord.
David leafs through the pages.
DAVID
Well, if the media thinks they can
malign our IRS-approved faith and
not suffer our wrath, than they
are sorely mistaken! Behold, the
weapon of our revenge!
He holds up a sheet.

Minions cower.

DAVID (CONT)
Lets see how Hollywood reacts
when we expose Ellen DeGeneres as
a female lesbian! Ha!
Minions stop cowering.
DAVID (CONT)
Bennett, release this sordid
material to our people in the
media!
BENNETT
Hmmm, yeah, well, sire, thats
kinda well-known already.
DAVID
What is?
BENNETT
Ellen being gay.

DAVID
Wait, the highly-rated daytime
talk show host? Ellen? People
are aware of her perversions?
MINION 1
Yes, sir, if you notice, part of
the file includes the cover of
Time magazine, where shes saying
Yup, Im gay.
MINION 2
I saw that and included it right
away!
DAVID
Thats who they replaced the
delightful Rosie ODonnell with?
Thats awful. Rosie was the queen
of nice. I dont know how we
werent able to get her to wed Tom
Cruise. She had such a crush on
him.
MINION 1
Yeahthats a mystery.
DAVID
Fine, fine. Our files are quite
deep. We will expose that the
major sit-com star Jim Parsons as
a homosexual! CBS will quake in
fear of us!
BENNETT
Yeah, again, exalted one, kinda
old news. You didnt know?
DAVID
Of course I knew, I authorized the
private investigators to go
through his trash! This is what
religious leaders do!
MINION 2
Huh.

DAVID
However, I didnt know that
everyone else knew. Nevertheless,
we have many more. Aaah, of
course, we shall destroy the
career of Americas favorite award
show host--MINION 2
Neil Patrick Harris is gay and has
kids and everyone knows it. Wait,
maybe we could expose how he did
that magic trick at the Oscars.
That might take him down a peg or
two.
BENNETT
No, we havent figured that one
out yet.
DAVID
Thats absurd! Why would people
talk about that in public? Its
gross! Theyre only supposed to
tell that kind of stuff to us so
we can use it against them at some
later date! Fine, fine, once we
announce Oprah Winfrey and Stedman
Graham are living in sin, her
career shall be finished. And
then--MINION 1
Whens the last time we updated
any of these files?
DAVID
Okay, so how about we reveal the
sexual peccadillos of Roman
Polaski?
BENNETT
Its known.

MINION 2
Its known and they gave him an
Oscar.
DAVID
For that?
BENNETT
Not for that, but not not for
that.
DAVID
Then release the Woody Allen File!
Lets see what Hollywood does when
they find out what we have on him!
Sex with younger women!
MINION 2
Thats sort of his genre.
MINION 1
Netflix just gave him a TV show.
It think that was the logline.
DAVID
Are you kidding me? What in the
name of Xenu is going on around
here? How are we supposed to
practice out teachings of inner
balance if we cant blackmail
people properly! What is this
world coming to?
BENNETT
The world has changed a lot, sire.
DAVID
Then we have to release file X.
ALL
Not file X!

DAVID
Yes. Because Hollywood has chosen
to mock and belittle us, we are
forced to answer in kind and let
the world know that most of the
cast of The Walking Dead
areBritish!
BENNETT
Noooooo!
MINION 1
Nooo!
MINION 2
Blimey!
They all look at Minion 2.

Black out.
The end