Unhealthy Relationships 1

Running Head: Unhealthy Relationships

Why Girls Stay in Unhealthy Relationships?

Carolyn Miller
Glen Allen High School

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Introduction
There has been a great deal of research about why girls initially get into relationships
with bad boys, but less research about why they actually stay with them. There are a plethora of
stories about girls who think that they are being rebellious by dating bad boys that actually end
up being abused and mistreated while in those relationships. It has become evident why girls
choose to be in relationships with these bad boys, but less clear as to why they would continue to
stay in these relationships despite the verbal, mental, and physical abuse that they might
experience. There are many sources out there that seek to offer theories for this question,
however, the varying perceptions about the issue make it difficult to really understand and
identify one isolated reason for why women chose to stay in unhealthy relationships. Through the
information gathered from numerous and differing sources such as websites, blogs, medical
research pages, and blogs it can be concluded that there is not one clear cut reason for why
women choose to stay in unhealthy relationships, rather there are a plethora of different reasons
that can apply to relationships on an individual basis.
What constitutes as an Unhealthy Relationship?
One common misconception of unhealthy relationships relates to the idea that one or both
of the partners in a romantic relationship have to be experiencing physical abuse in order for
their relationship to be considered unhealthy. This definition of what it means to be in an
unhealthy relationship disregards many other types of abuse such as sexual, psychological, or
emotional violence (Not My Kid, n.d.). As a result of this misconstruction, it becomes difficult

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to directly identify when a person is really in an unhealthy situation and therefore increasingly
more difficult to understand why they will not leave.
In addition to knowing the basic and very broad definition of what it means for someone
to be in an unhealthy relationship, it is also necessary to know what the specifics are as well.
There is a tendency for people to neglect the fact that all relationships have their issues; for
instance, poor communication, lack of time, and other things of the sort. It is important to
remember that just because a couple may be going through a rough patch in their relationship
does not necessarily mean that there relationship is unhealthy.
As outlined by the University of Washingtons medical school, there are many ways to
identify unhealthy relationships, some of which include a partner feeling pressure to do things
they would rather not do, and a partner being disrespected and made to feel inferior (Hall Health
Center, 2015). It is important to note that what is considered unhealthy for one relationship may
not be unhealthy for another, and vice versa. Though it is important to have general knowledge
about what an unhealthy relationship entails, it is also imperative to remember that the definition
of an unhealthy relationship is not limited to these expressed criterion as relationships between
individual couples do differ.
No Two Relationships Are Exactly the Same
After understanding exactly what an unhealthy relationship is, it is secondly important to
recognize that no two relationships are precisely the same. Some resources will only provide a
single reason as an answer the question at hand, but the answer is not always relevant or
applicable to every unhealthy relationship. It is easier to get a better understanding of the issue
through sources that provide multiple reasons through multiple different perspectives. For

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instance, Love is respect.org separated their theories into four very general headings which
include conflicting emotions, pressure, distrust of adults or authority, and reliance on the
abusive partner in order not to underestimate the nature of unhealthy relationships (Love is
Respect, n.d.). Similarly, while approaching it from a different angle, Julia Austin from Madame
Noire developed a list of six reasons why women stay in negative relationships. The six topics
include "He made you feel special", "...this is as good as it gets", "You don't realize how bad it
is", "You gave up your life", "He'll die without you", and "You dont know what else is out there"
(Julia Austin, 2012). These websites are helpful because they offer fresh, relatable, and
comprehendible perspectives as to why women stay in negative relationships, while also covertly
highlighting how every unhealthy relationship is different with a list of common excuses women
use to stay in them.
As a result of the differing approaches, the Love is Respect website may be more
accessible to friends and family members who are trying to help their loved one escape from an
unhealthy relationship, while the Madame Noire website is more direct and capable of
connecting with the victim on a more personal level.
Perspectives and Theories
Fear of Being Lonely: One of the most commonly mentioned reasons for why women
stay in unhealthy relationships is because they are afraid of being single. Based on a study from
the University of Toronto, the fear of being alone causes people to lower their standards in
future and existing relationships (NewsBreaker, 2013). People, especially women, are so afraid
of being alone that they are willing to except anything from anyone just to feel like they are a
part of something. Among men and women, there is a common fear that if they leave their
current partner, no one else will want to be with them. According to News Breakers Melissa

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McCarty, settling is the modern day happy ending (NewsBreaker, 2013). People stay with
their current partners, despite how unhealthy the relationship is, to validate that they are desirable
as an individual and as confirmation that they will not end up alone.
Fear of Being Vulnerable: In addition to not wanting to be alone, the fear of being
vulnerable in a relationship with someone new is also a common reason for why women choose
to stay in unhealthy relationships (Bill, 2013). Being vulnerable in front of anyone is a very
difficult task. When girls are in relationships, they often give all of themselves to their partners.
This in turn causes them to be vulnerable, and puts them in a position to be hurt and heartbroken.

Based off of a very popular quote posted on LoveThisPic, it is easier for someone to stay
in a relationship with a person they have already opened up to, rather than to meet someone new
and start all over again. This theory goes hand in hand with the first. It suggests that women
would rather settle for an unhealthy relationship than dealing with the uncertainty of finding
someone that they can actually be happy with, or even over choosing to be single.

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The Psychology of Love and Its Effects on Unhealthy Relationships:
http://source.southuniversity.edu/the-psychology-behind-love-and-romance-70700.aspx
According to an article written by South University, there are three components of love. These
components include intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy deals with the attachment,
closeness, and connectedness between a pair, passion includes both limerent and sexual
attraction, and commitment is the decision for two people to remain in a relationship with one
another (Darice Britt, 2015). All though these components are present in every relationship, what
makes a relationship unhealthy is when one or more partners abuses there knowledge of these
components to take advantage of the other.
As far as intimacy, the abuser in an unhealthy relationship will capitalize on the fact that
the other person feels attached and connected to them and will utilize various forms of abuse to
reinforce to their partner that they cannot live without them. Once the abuser has successfully
managed to get their partner to believe that they cannot live without them, the victim is now
stuck and content in an unhealthy relationship. In the same way, an abuser can also take
advantage of the passion that their partner feels in order to convince them that the strong
attraction that the other partner feels towards them, is not able to be replicated with anyone else
should they choose to leave.
Similarly, the idea of commitment, which is seemingly harmless can also be used against
a person in order to keep them from leaving their current relationship despite its unhealthy
nature. In this situation, the idea of commitment changes from representing a mutual agreement
between lovers to be faithful, honest, and willing to work at maintaining a strong relationship, to
one or both partners withstanding abuse, neglect, and pain in the name of not giving up on the
relationship.

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https://spsptalks.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/love.jpg
Misconceptions of Relationships regarding Love and sex: According to Kevin Sanders, one
common misconception of love and sex is that people believe the feeling of being in love is a
guarantee that the relationship will last and therefore they become convinced that sex is
necessary for the relationship. (Kevin Sanders, n.d)

Most of you probably have ex girlfriends or ex boyfriends. This means you were
absolutely convinced that you were in love with this person. Where is he/she
now? I cannot count the number of times I have heard someone tell me that they
had sex because they thought they had found an everlasting loveThese people
were disappointed and heartbroken once the relationship ended. They lost both
their purity and the relationship.

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This notion of an everlasting love is one characteristic that contributes to
making it difficult for women to get out of unhealthy relationships. The connection that is
formed between the two partners due to sexual encounters creates the attachment between
them that makes them feel like they cannot leave one another. This idea also relates to the
theory of the fear of being vulnerable due to one or both partners not wanting to start over
again and open up to someone new after they have had made an intimate connection with
their current partner. As a result of the bond it becomes increasingly easier for an abuser
to take advantage of the relationship and therefore make it harder for the other partner to
leave.
Celebrity Influences
As a result of celebrities being in the limelight, there actions are often mimicked
by those who look up to them. In this way, when celebrity women are quoted praising the
idea of the bad boy and glorifying unhealthy relationships, it makes it ok for other
women who are in unhealthy relationships to do the same. Iva Anthony, a writer for
Madame Noir, drafted a list of statements from 15 women celebrities essentially praising
unhealthy relationships. This list includes women who knew beforehand that there
partner was no good but still chose to pursue a relationship with them. Not only did
they get into these relationships, but they made the abusive nature of the relationship
seem nonchalant and acceptable. When young girls who look up to these women see this,
they feel like unhealthy relationships are normal and will not leave if they ever find
themselves in one. The website specifically quoted one celebrity women by the name of
Loren London who stated I love guys who are streetI wont even give soft guys a
chance. (Anthony, 2014) The message that Loren London is sending to other women, is

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that it is fine for women to date men who are disrespectful and abusive in the name of
upholding an image. At the same time she is also putting down the notion of the good
guy who will show respect to their partner as a woman, and build her up instead of tear
her down. In doing this she is not only sending the wrong message to young ladies, but
also young men. When young men hear women make comments such as this one, they
feel as if they should conform to what is being presented to them in order to be
considered desirable.
Similarly to the relationship of Loren London, the relationship between Chris Brown and
Rihanna is also a negative celebrity example of how young women should approach
relationships. Despite a series of physical altercations between the two in years passed, Rihanna
publicly defended their situation claiming that people just didnt understand their relationship.
Along with this, numerous celebrities following the arrest of Chris Brown also defended his
actions and essentially downplayed how unhealthy the relationship really was. Although both
Rihanna and Chris Brown are both adults who are allowed to make their own decisions in life,
they have chosen to be in the public eye. In doing so, they have become role models for many
young men and women who model their own lives after the things they see them doing, which
includes subjecting themselves to being in abusive relationships. When young men and women
see successful celebrities acting in this way, they believe that they should be content with living
this lifestyle as well.
Common Excuses and Impact of Loved Ones
When a woman who is in an unhealthy relationship is asked why she wont just leave,
there is long list of clich excuses that are given in order for her decision to remain in the
relationship. Researches such as Nick Notas and Julia Austin, address these many excuses and

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even offer their own insight as to why the logic is faulty. One excuse that is common among both
sources is that he needs me (Notas, 2013) or hell die with [me] (Austin, 2013). Though it is
important for both partners to be supportive in a relationship, it should never get to a point where
one or both of the partners feel as if they cant live without each other (Notas, 2013). This
theory coincides with the research of Lynne Namka on codependency. Her article focuses heavily
on codependency and being hooked on relationships as it relates to a person's childhood. The
emotional trauma that a person has experienced may cause them to be dependent on their current
relationship and cause them to feel like they need to do whatever they can to make their current
relationship work.
When a women who is a victim of any type of unhealthy relationship makes an excuse to
protect her partner or their relationship, it is important for family and close friends to consider
many aspects of the situation before reacting. The most important thing for family and friends to
note is that comments such as he needs me or I cant live without him are merely excuses,
and are often said as a result of the victim trying to cope with all of the negativity that the
relationship is surrounding them with. Furthermore, it is also important for family and friends to
consider their loved ones childhood experiences, their individual personality traits, and their
current mindset as to prevent themselves from becoming frustrated and counting their loved one
as a lost cause due to their inability to leave the relationship.
Considering these issues can be very beneficial as it allows the family and friends to take
a more effective approach in getting their loved one the help they need, whether it be through a
family intervention or professional therapy. Without taking into account all of these factors, it
becomes easy for friends and families to oversimplify the situation which in turn will make the
situation a lot worse, and cause the family to push the victim away and closer to the abuser.

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Conclusion
This review looked into the question why women choose to stay in unhealthy
relationships. As a result of all relationships being different, it is virtually impossible to narrow
down the reasons for this issue into one simple answer. In order to determine why girls stay in
unhealthy relationships, it is imperative to explore personal aspects of specific individuals such
as individual personalities and prior life experiences. For this reason, this subject is still very
relevant because it is affecting many young women all over the world on a day to day basis. The
provided research will hopefully serve to lead to a greater understanding of how to get girls to
leave unhealthy relationships, in addition to how to prevent more girls from getting into these
unhealthy relationships in the first place.

Reference List
Anthony, I. (2014). Gotta Get A Ruff Neck: Celebrity Women Who Love Bad Boys. Retrieved
from http://madamenoire.com/473996/women-who-love-bad-boys/
Austin, J. (2012). Love Without A Limit: Why Women Stay In Bad Relationships. Retrieved from
http://madamenoire.com/149403/love-without-a-limit-why-women-stay-in-badrelationships/7/
Banschick, M. (2012). Why Nice People Cling to Bad Boys (or Girls). Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201208/why-nice-peoplecling-bad-boys-or-girls

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Bill. (2013, June 26). No girl wants to start over with a new guy [Web log comment]. Retrieved
from http://www.lovethispic.com/image/110933/no-girl-wants-to-start-over-with-a-newguy
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships. (2015). In University of Washington Medicine. Retrieved
March 22, 2015, from https://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/content/health-articles/allundergraduates/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships
Namka, L. (2002). What Does Love Got To Do With It?: Why People Stay in Relationships With
Angry People. Retrieved from http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm
NewsBreaker. (2013, December 13). Research Suggests People Stay in Bad Relationships
Because They are Scared to be Single [Video file]. Retrieved from
www.youtube.com/watch?v=W8oPwaNmlf4
Notas, N. (2014). 7 Excuses Women Make to Stay With the Wrong Guy. Retrieved from
http://www.nicknotas.com/blog/7-excuses-women-make-to-stay-with-the-wrong-guy/
Understand the Challenge. (n.d.).In Not My Kid. Retrieved March 22, 2015, from
http://notmykid.org/unhealthy-relationships/
Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?. (n.d.). In Love is Respect. Retrieved March 22,
2015, from http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusiverelationships