Dear Melody,

Through the local newspapers, and other sources, we have learned about y
ou and your condition. Your life is very, very difficult, and it is a pain in th
e caboose for your parents, and who knows who else. That is why we are offering
you an opportunity to buy the new one-use mechanical tomato soup can opener. We,
more like me, at the International Tomato Soup Can Opener Inc., have made a che
ap, affordable, product just for you. This product is proudly made in America, i
n my parents garage to be exact. It has only one use in each opener, so you dont
have to use a rusty one each time. In reality, it is treated so it won t rust, b
ut we dont want you to take the risk anyway. When you are done using it, just mai
l it to us, where we reset everything and re-sell it for a more outrageous price
. Im pretty sure my mailing address is 1-222-HOMELESS-STREET, but Im not sure, and
if it is incorrect, do not be judgmental! While on sale, it is only $201 each.
200 dollars help line the sides of my wallet. The rest goes not to charity, but
to cover the shipping costs, and etcetera. How it works, is that you put it on
top of a tomato soup can, pull the blue lever, and then when you want to open it
, just pull the red lever. It has been tested on people like you, and the elderl
y, and only six have lost hands. Well in reality, it would be five, because the
one person had no hands. Well, lets just say itll be four, for the one lost more t
han a hand. It was her whole arm, and her life. I dont know how that happened. If
you have any questions or complaints, just call 1-800-RANDOM. If you want to bu
y it, we will have you sign a pointless contract that mainly states that you wont
use it for other cans, and you wont use other can opening products, because tha
t fuels competition. We are so successful, that we have won the medal for the b
est one-use tomato soup can opener, because we are the one and only company that
sells such a product. Order a hundred, and we will offer you a free rusty one t
o use as a gag gift, after all, I stole it from the factory before it was heat t
reated. See, our product is not a rip-off at all. If you like this product, you
should try my neighbors, home-made jet fuel powered potato peeler.
So, now I will explain why I thought about this product. It all started in my pa
rents closet. I was hungry, so I tried sneaking a tomato soup can out of the kit
chen, and I succeeded. I then realized there was hardly any space to consume it
without getting caught by my parents. I decided to guzzle it down in my parents
closet, because nobody would see me. I then realized that I had nothing around m
e to open it. And the moral of the story, is that I got caught. I was 30 years o
ld and needed money very badly. I bought a tomato soup can opener and took some
parts off of it. That is how I created my product. So, in depth here is how I cr
eated it. I needed money, and I was in trouble. So, to solve or prevent things,
I decided to buy one. I brainstormed what to do with it, I took it some-what apa
rt. It didnt work, so I improved it by taking the last safety shield off, and it
worked. It basically follows the design engineering process. You know, finding a
problem, brainstorming, building, testing, and then either improving or present
ing results. I forgot to tell you that I was in anger-management, but with my c
ool machine, I lost all my anger, and got out. My parents also gave me my allowa
nce back.
I was recently trying to find a new customer and I saw you on the television dur
ing
the Whiz Kids regional tournament. If I get taken to the police station, I will
just say I found you through the newspaper, like I did at the beginning, but in
reality, I cant afford the paper. I wondered if it was true, about you having Ce
rebral Palsy, so I crawled up the side of your house and watched you for a few n
ights. I was not being a stalker or a peeping Tom, I was just seeing if it was t
rue. I got a bit cold, so I snuck into bed with you. Dont worry, Im almost potty-t
rained. Its not creepy at all.
So here is how it is going to help you. You ask your mother to put on the opene

r, and then she puts it on the stove. Then you jam the red lever with your grace
ful arm. Just so you know, the red lever is pretty big, and he device has a buil
t in straw, so you can drink the soup. Warning! It may be hot, and the straw may
melt, so be careful! free at last, free at last, you can eat something by yours
elf.

Sincerely,
Ed McPhil
Postscript: This sounds corny because I am illiterate, so I had a seven
year old write this.