Great Short Plays Vol 7

Great Short Plays: Volume 7 (1st ed. - 08.10.
09) - greatshortplaysvol7_3 jp
Copyright 2009 Trista Baldwin, Alex Broun, Jorge Ignacio Cortinas, Aliza Goldstein, Michael Griffo,
Elizabeth Hemmerdinger, Taylor Mac, Elizabeth Meriwether, Sharyn Rothstein, and Anne Washburn
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Table of Contents
Cloudy
by Michael Griffo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Drew Barrymore and Sigmund Freud
Meet the Cookie Monster
by Alex Broun . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Falling Up
by Trista Baldwin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
How to Speak Man
by Sharyn Rothstein . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World
by Aliza Goldstein . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
The Levee
by Taylor Mac . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 79
Look, a Latino!
by Jorge Ignacio Cortias . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 91
October/November
by Anne Washburn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109
Particle Board
by Elizabeth Meriwether . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
Pissed Sister
by Elizabeth Hemmerdinger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
Author Biographies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
Cloudy
by Michael Griffo
Cloudy
by Michael Griffo
(GEORGIA, a woman in her 30s, is leaning over a table doing
a jigsaw puzzle. She is standing, not sitting. She is not a woman
who sits. There is a door stage left. Next to the door is a table with
some things on it that we shouldnt be able to see very clearly. We
hear children laughing outside, theyre playing kick the can or tag,
or some kids game. GEORGIA loves the sound and smiles. The
kids get louder.)
GEORGIA. (Good-naturedly:) Hey Im working in here!
(The kids quiet down, but just for a bit. Soon they are back at the
same volume.)
GEORGIA. Where is the rest of the cloud?
(The kids start to get really loud, theyre not having a fight, just
being kids having a fun time.)
GEORGIA. Okay enough is enough.
(GEORGIA walks to the window, we think shes going to go outside to yell at the kids. Instead she hits the off button on a tape
recorder. The sound of the children stops and the room is flooded
with silence. GEORGIA pauses a moment and doesnt move. She
is thinking or trying to. Then she goes back to the table and resumes her task.)
GEORGIA. Cloud, cloud, where is the cloud? I see the lake and the
trees and the pretty little duck family, but I dont see all of the cloud.
Cant be a cloudy day at the lake without a cloud. (She picks up a
puzzle piece.) Could this be the cloud?
(She tries to jam a puzzle piece into the spot without any success.)
GEORGIA. Nope. Youre not the cloud, youre a well, Im not sure
what you are, but youre not a cloud. Only a cloud is a cloud. Only
a child is a child. Unless a child is a something else that a child isnt
supposed to be.
(Sound effect: Loud knocking on the door.)
10
Michael Griffo
GEORGIA. Who could that be? Could that be the cloud? Could,
cloud. Maybe the cloud rearranged itself to be a could. Could have.
Would be cloudy of the cloud to do that though. Hmmm.
(Sound effect: More knocking.)
GEORGIA. Hold on Im in the middle of a breakthrough. If a cloud
deliberately shiftedout of boredom, restlessness, spontaneity
to something new, dissimilar, intangible how quixotic would that
cloud be? Could clouds shift? Thats the question.
(Sound effect: Even louder knocking.)
DAN. Georgia! Unlock the door!
GEORGIA. Could a cloud have the ability, thoughtfulness, wherewithal?
DAN. Georgia! Pull yourself back and open the door!
GEORGIA. A cloud is a cloud, how could a cloud be a could?
DAN. Focus.
GEORGIA. Thats Dan.
DAN. And unlock the door.
GEORGIA. Calling to me. Calling. (Beat.) Yes.
DAN. Georgia! Thats good, youre back. Now unlock the door.
GEORGIA. Oh of course.
(GEORGIA goes to the door and unlocks it. She opens the door
and smiles at DAN, a man in his 30s. He is wary and isnt sure
what to expect from her.)
GEORGIA. Why didnt you just say so?
DAN. I (Glances at puzzle.) I didnt want to interrupt your puzzle.
GEORGIA. Thank you for your considerateness. You do know how
involved I get with the little piecesso many of them, dependent on
one another for their very survivalits rough being a puzzle piece
and so stressful to be a piece of the borderwhat a responsibility!
Cloudy
11
DAN. You seemenergized today.

GEORGIA. Oh yes. Have beenall day long. Well in and out. At
some points this morning I felt like it was several summers ago. Im
back in the office and its ten-thirty and Ive already had two cups of
coffee, both large, and both with two sugars, real sugar, not candy
coated imposter sugar. Real. Sugary. Im fast-paced and in charge.
Im a piece of the border.
DAN. Youre the most important piece.
GEORGIA. (Deeply touched:) You always say the most beautiful
things to me. (Pause.) Why?
DAN. I dont know.
GEORGIA. You must know. You know everything.
DAN. No I dont.
GEORGIA. Yes, yes you do. Thats why we all call you Dan The
Man.
DAN. No, not that.
GEORGIA. Oh yes. We insist, me and the children insist that you
are Dan The Man.
DAN. Well.
GEORGIA. No well. Yes, only yes. You are Dan The Man. Say it.
DAN. No.
GEORGIA. Dan please! For me.
DAN. (Beat.) I am Dan The Man.
GEORGIA. (Again she is deeply moved:) Thank you. Kindness wafts
off you like perfume. Sweet perfume that you can swim in. I want to
swim in your perfume Dan The Man. May I?
DAN. You really are energized today.
GEORGIA. I know! I dont know why. Oh yes I do. I dont know why
I say I dont know when I know perfectly well that I know.
12
Michael Griffo
DAN. Why? Whats charged you?

GEORGIA. The children. I heard them laughing in the garden.
How they love to laugh in their little world with their little voices.
Giggling, gurgling, gagging.
DAN. What?
GEORGIA. Gaggling. Not gagging. No not that. How all three of
them, one by one make their voices heard.
DAN. (Pause.) Theydo love tobe heard.
GEORGIA. Yes they do, but I love it best when they dont stand
out. I love when they blend in to all the other surrounding sounds.
The wind, the low-flying airplane, the chirps, when the childrens
sounds slip inside the other sounds a new sound is created, a soft,
quiet, noise that I love so much. (Pause.) Its like your perfume with
volume.
DAN. It is nice to hear them, isnt it?
GEORGIA. Oh yes. Do you hear them Dan The Man? Do you?
DAN. (Beat.) Sometimes.
GEORGIA. And I bet theyre the best times right?
DAN. Yes.
GEORGIA. I won!
DAN. What?
GEORGIA. I won the bet.
DAN. Oh.
GEORGIA. I bet that the best times were when you heard the sound
of the children and you said yes and that means I won. (Pause.) What
an absolutely glorious day. I wish every day could be like this one.
Quietly glorious.
DAN. Me too. Would you like anything special for dinner?
GEORGIA. Oh Dan The Man its much too early to be thinking
about dinner.
Cloudy
13
DAN. Its almost three.

GEORGIA. Three! In the afternoon?
DAN. Yes.
GEORGIA. Really? Are you sure?
DAN. Look at my watch.
(DAN extends his arm to GEORGIA so she can look at his watch.
She doesnt just glance at it, but takes his arm with both her hands
and pulls the watch close to her face so she can really see it and
she keeps it there for several beats. While shes looking at the time,
DAN cant take his eyes off of her. When GEORGIA looks at
DAN, he looks away.)
GEORGIA. Ill be. Its two-fifty-seven. That qualifies as almost
three. (She notices DAN is looking away.) You dont have to look away.
DAN. Im sorry.
GEORGIA. Dont be.
DAN. What would you like for dinner?
GEORGIA. Not time for dinner. I know you like me. I like you too.
DAN. Thats good Georgia. That makes me feel good.
GEORGIA. Like butter in the rain? Or butter in the sun?
DAN. (Laughing:) Youre on fire today.
GEORGIA. The question is are you? In the rain or in the sun?
DAN. Whats the difference where the butter is?
GEORGIA. Butter cant compete with the sun. It melts and loses. Ultimately, there is no connection between the sun and butter. But butter in the rainwell, the rain falls on the butter, but doesnt destroy
it. It clings to it, hopefully, ever so desperately, and even if it slips
off a little the butter still remains solid and strong so it can keep the
rain alive. What kind of butter are you Dan The Man?
DAN. Butter thats been left in the rain.
14
Michael Griffo
GEORGIA. Good. I like my butter strong. It makes me feel safe.

DAN. You sound strong today Georgie.
GEORGIA. (Upset:) My names Georgia, not Georgie.
DAN. I know. May I call you Georgie?
GEORGIA. Yes. You have my permission. I give it to you.
DAN. Thank you. Georgie.
GEORGIA. That does sound stronger than Georgia. Georgias
breezy, ungrabbable.
DAN. But sometimes you can grab onto a finger.
GEORGIA. Just one finger?
DAN. Sometimes a whole hand.
GEORGIA. Two hands intertwined. Thats strongest. Hold my hand
Dan The Man. Make me strong.
DAN. Are you sure?
GEORGIA. Yes. I want to be touched today.
(GEORGIA puts up her hands like shes being held up by a gunman. Tentatively, DAN approaches her and puts up his hands to
mirror hers. This is very intimate for DAN and he is afraid of
moving too quickly or too slowly or doing anything that will upset
GEORGIA and ruin the moment. DAN lets his hands touch hers
very timidly and waits for GEORGIAs response. She smiles at
him, fully. DAN presses harder on her hands and then intertwines
his fingers with hers until their fingers are bent and pressing on
each other.)
GEORGIA. Were holding hands Dan The Man.
DAN. Yes we are.
(The tenseness and awkwardness start to dissipate and GEORGIA and DAN become more relaxed, they are like lovers holding
hands, very casual and ordinary.)
GEORGIA. This is something we used to do isnt it?
Cloudy
15
DAN. Yes it is.

GEORGIA. You miss it?
DAN. Yes.
GEORGIA. I wish you didnt look so sad Dan The Man.
DAN. Im not sad.
GEORGIA. Youre happy-sad. Like a happy-sad pie. Your crust is
happy, but your filling is sad. I made your filling didnt I?
DAN. Georgie dont.
GEORGIA. No, its true isnt it. (Pause.) Please tell me Dan, the shadows dont stay away forever.
DAN. Yes, you made my filling.
GEORGIA. And yet you still come see me, and hold my hands.
DAN. And help you with your puzzle.
GEORGIA. Even though Im sad-happy.
DAN. No, youre my Georgie.
GEORGIA. My crust is sad and my filling is happy. Youre my filling.
DAN. Yes baby Im your filling.
GEORGIA. But my crust is so thick and my filling is tucked far
away isnt it?
DAN. Its temporary, its not forever, its not the way it always used
to be.
GEORGIA. Just the way it is.
DAN. Yes, but this isnt going to be always.
(GEORGIA is starting to back away from DAN, shes losing control of the moment.)
GEORGIA. Might be. You dont know everything.
16
Michael Griffo
DAN. I know what you were and what you can be.
GEORGIA. Dont forget who I am. Now. Sad crust, sad, thick crust.
(Beat.) I want to hear the children.
DAN. No.
GEORGIA. Please! Dan The Man, let me.
DAN. Not yet. Hold off just a bit. Come back.
(GEORGIA walks to DAN and looks into his eyes.)
DAN. Can you see me?
GEORGIA. I can see your filling.
DAN. No, just me. Just see me.
GEORGIA. I do. I do see you Dan. I see everything, all at once when
I look at you. I couldnt go on if I didnt see you.
DAN. Ill never leave you.
GEORGIA. I know, youre Dan The Man. The only man for me. The
only man for my children. Where are the children?
DAN. No, the children arent here.
GEORGIA. Where then? Where are they?
DAN. Focus on me Georgie, remember what you learned. Focus on
something you can see.
GEORGIA. I see you. And I know you. And right now I know Ill
see you tomorrow. And I know that Ill know you tomorrow. But
tomorrow Im going to ask to hear the children again too arent I?
DAN. Probably. Definitely.
GEORGIA. I have to ask for the children. If I dont ask for them, I
wont hear them.
DAN. You can hear them. I hear them without asking. All the time.
I hear them laughing and giggling and saying, Daddy I love you. I
love Mommy.
Cloudy
17
GEORGIA. But you dont hear the other sounds.

DAN. Georgie dont.
GEORGIA. The last sounds. The loudest ones of all.
DAN. You did everything you could.
GEORGIA. But Im not a cloud. I cant be a could.
DAN. It wasnt your fault.
GEORGIA. Oh if all the coulds in the world could be clouds. Do you
think they could?
DAN. I dont know Georgie.
GEORGIA. Im losing arent I? Im losing again. Maybe Ill win tomorrow. Wanna bet?
DAN. I want you.
GEORGIA. Bet me. Bet me please!
DAN. (Resigned:) I bet that tomorrow youll win.
GEORGIA. Good. Nowtomorrowwill have to show up and Ill
have to be there so we can see who wins the bet. Now we just have
to wait until tomorrow to see.
DAN. Yes well wait.
GEORGIA. While we wait can we listen to the children? You know
how I love to listen to the children.
DAN. Sure.
GEORGIA. Really?
DAN. Yes.
GEORGIA. You make me so happy Dan The Man.
DAN. Im your filling.
GEORGIA. What?
DAN. Nothing.
THIS PLAY IS
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Drew Barrymore
and Sigmund Freud Meet
the Cookie Monster
by Alex Broun
19
Cast of Characters
KAT, Creative, 20s
LEE, Creative, 20s
WOLF, Agency Partner, 30s
Setting
Boardroom, Agency.
Time
Tonight.
20
Drew Barrymore
and Sigmund Freud Meet
the Cookie Monster
by Alex Broun
(Night. Agency board room.)
(LEE is dancing, if you can call it dancing, to what sounds like an
advertising jingle. WOLF sits at the end of the table, watching.
KAT stands nearby.)
LEE. And thenbig finish. Big finish.
WOLF. Im seeing it.
LEE. The little girl looks up. She looks up
WOLF. Tell me.
LEE. Looks up and says
WOLF. Im with you.
(The jingle builds to a crescendo.)
LEE. The sting.
WOLF. Give it to me
(The music is suddenly cut off. Silence.)
LEE. Dad, can I come too?
WOLF. Oh yeah. Oh yeah!
LEE. (Still dancing:) Weve re-enforced the stereotype.
WOLF. I came.
LEE. Reflected the demographic.
WOLF. You made me come.
23
24 Alex Broun
LEE. Its a no-brainer.
WOLF. My wad is on the floor.
LEE. Its kind of like J Lo
WOLF. Yeah.
LEE. J Lo and Sigmund Freud.
WOLF. Oh yeah.
LEE. J Lo and Sigmund Freud meet the Cookie Monster.
WOLF. Beautiful.
LEE. No.
WOLF. What?
LEE. Not J Lo.
WOLF. Yeah?
LEE. Drew.
WOLF. Okay.
LEE. Drew Barrymore and Sigmund Freud meet the Cookie Monster.
WOLF. Im coming again.
LEE. Drew, not Lo.
WOLF. You made me come again.
LEE. Shall we go for third time lucky?
WOLF. What?
LEE. Play it againshall I?
WOLF. I havent even had time to re-load.
LEE. Wolf man, your batteries are always fully charged.
WOLF. You know me.
Drew Barrymore and Sigmund Freud Meet the Cookie Monster 25
LEE. I do.
WOLF. Youknowme!
LEE. And I know my target market.
WOLF. Like they were your arsehole.
LEE. They are my arsehole.
(They laugh.)
LEE. Are you ready?
WOLF. Im ready.
LEE. Im putting it on again.
WOLF. Put it on.
LEE. Im putting it on.
WOLF. Put it onand stand back because Im ready to explode.
(LEE hits a button. The jingle starts again. Suddenly KAT grabs
the control. She turns it off.)
KAT. I cant believe it.
WOLF. Hey.
KAT. I cannot believe Im standing in a room with people who say
things like that.
LEE. Hey.
KAT. I didnt even know people like you existed.
LEE. I do exist.
KAT. Do you? Are you real?
WOLF. Interesting.
KAT. Would you listen to what spews out of your mouth?
LEE. Wolf wants to
26 Alex Broun
KAT. Can you hear the bile regurgitating from your lips?
WOLF. Play nice Kat.
KAT. Reinforced the stereotype.
LEE. What?
KAT. Reflected the demographic.
LEE. What?
WOLF. Play nice.
KAT. I mean is this for real? (To WOLF:) Is he for real?
LEE. Is she Are you Is she?
WOLF. Hes just speaking the language of the industry. The go
code. Green light me. Woah!
KAT. That is not language. That is the death of language.
LEE. Is she
KAT. That is when words cease to have meaning. They have been
stripped of all sense. Theyre just little marks on a page.
LEE. Are you Is she What?
WOLF. Remain calm Lee. Kat loved it.
LEE. She did?
WOLF. She loved it.
KAT. Uh-uh.
WOLF. We all loved it.
KAT. No.
WOLF. We loved it because its a beautiful thing.
LEE. I made you come.
WOLF. Three times.
LEE. Almost.
WOLF. You made me come because it was a beautiful thing. Just as
I know Kats will also be a beautiful thing.
KAT. Finally. May I?
WOLF. Please.
KAT. May I?
WOLF. Make me come.
(KAT hits a button on the remote. We hear classical music.)
WOLF. Oh yeah.
KAT. You like it?
WOLF. This is great.
KAT. Am I making you come?
WOLF. My interest is definitely piqued. What do I see?
KAT. You see a man. Walking along a deserted beach.
WOLF. Theres a flicker.
KAT. Bare feet, cut off trousersnot jeans. Trousers.
WOLF. Trousers. I am becoming aroused.
KAT. Faded blue sweatshirt.
WOLF. Inflamed.
KAT. Tanned ankles.
WOLF. Engorged.
KAT. Bare feet.
LEE. You already said that.
KAT. Shut it Lee.
28 Alex Broun
WOLF. (To LEE:) Play nice Lee. You had your turn. (To KAT:) Where
were we?
KAT. Engorged.
LEE. No. He was only inflamed. Not engorged.
KAT. Crap! He was engorged.
WOLF. Kat, please Re-engorge me.
KAT. A man, walking along a beach. Cut off trousers, faded blue
sweatshirt, tanned ankles, bare feet.
WOLF. I am now fully re-engorged.
KAT. (The pace begins to quicken:) Sunset.
WOLF. Im throbbing.
KAT. Sun setting.
WOLF. Pulsating.
KAT. Ruby red sun sinking into a sapphire blue sea.
WOLF. The engine is at full throttle.
KAT. Faded sweatshirt, tasseled hair, stubble on his chin.
WOLF. The rocket is on the launching pad.
KAT. Hes young
WOLF. But not too young.
KAT. Mid thirties
WOLF. Early forties.
KAT. But lean, muscular
WOLF. Chiselled.
KAT. Just the hint of a taut, tan stomach underneath his shirt. Hes
handsome.
WOLF. Handsome? Hes bloody gorgeous!

KAT. Hes walking along the sand. His feetbare feetdipping in
and out of the waves.
WOLF. His feet are gorgeous.
KAT. Leaving impressions in the wet sand.
WOLF. Even his footprints are gorgeous.
KAT. Sun dying, waves lapping. A gentle breeze.
WOLF. Hurry up. Im gonna explode!
KAT. We go in close and we see
WOLF. What?
KAT. Holding in his hand, in the soft orange glow
WOLF. What!?
KAT. The fine mist of sea spray.
WOLF. What the hell is he holding?
KAT. A boot. A babys boot.
WOLF. Incredible!
KAT. A boys tiny knitted blue boot.
WOLF. I thought I was gonna come
KAT. The colour matches his shirt.
WOLF. But now youre making me cry.
KAT. He looks down at the boot. A tear in his crystal blue eye
WOLF. Coming again.
KAT. He twists the boot in his fingers.
WOLF. Crying.
30 Alex Broun
KAT. He looks out to sea, the wind flicking his sandy brown curls.
WOLF. Coming!
KAT. And down at the boot.
WOLF. Crying!
KAT. He kneels and holds the boot out over the waves.
WOLF. Coming then crying.
KAT. The boot tumbles towards the surf.
WOLF. Im blubbering.
KAT. Spinning end on end, blue falling into blue.
WOLF. Im hollering my guts out!
KAT. But then
WOLF. Im stopping.
KAT. His other hand. Surges out
WOLF. The engine is re-engaged.
KAT. And rescues the boot.
WOLF. Rocket re-loaded.
KAT. The man gets up
WOLF. Bull at the gate!
KAT. His tight arse sliding in his pants.
WOLF. Lion ready to roar!
KAT. And he walks off down the beach
WOLF. And Im coming.
KAT. The boot still in his hand.
WOLF. No boot now I want to come.
KAT. We dont see the boot.

WOLF. Boots stopping me coming.
KAT. The boot is gone.
WOLF. Boot bad.
KAT. The boot is history.
WOLF. And Im coming.
KAT. We go down low as his Davidesque physique
WOLF. Im really coming.
KAT. Silhouetted against the sky.
WOLF. Im gonna come so hard.
KAT. Disappears into the fiery red sun.
WOLF. Blood pumping.
KAT. The music swells.
(It does, building to a crescendo.)
WOLF. Vein throbbing!
KAT. Title. Lower case.
WOLF. Fully charged!
KAT. Bottom of the screen. Left.
WOLF. Rocket loaded!
KAT. Henshaw. For you and your future.
WOLF. Oh my dog!!! 1
KAT. And with music,
1 This is not a misprint. WOLF intentionally says Oh my dog rather than Oh my

God!, reversing God to become Dog.
32 Alex Broun
(WOLF lets forth with a loud ecstatic moan.)
KAT. Fade to black.
(Music ends. WOLF flops forward on to the table. Panting loudly.
KAT bows to LEE. LEE gives her the finger, WOLF still panting.
Long pause. Eventually:)
WOLF. You made me come.
KAT. Cry and come.
WOLF. Cry then come.
KAT. Big time?
WOLF. The biggest.
KAT. Back wall?
WOLF. I splashed all over the back wall. I think I even got some on
Lee. Sorry.
LEE. Forget it. Im used to it.
WOLF. You made me come all over the back wall.
KAT. Perfect. So we go with mine then?
WOLF. (Change:) NahI still prefer Lees.
(LEE is jubilant.)
KAT. But you hit the back wall.
WOLF. I know.
KAT. I made you hit the back wall.
WOLF. Strange isnt it? But I still want Lees. Maybe it was the tears.
KAT. But you liked the tears.
WOLF. I loved the tears.
KAT. Then what?
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
Falling Up
a short play for one small woman

and one large man
by Trista Baldwin
35
Cast of Characters
ED, a tall man with a very slight accent.
LAURA, a short, put-together woman.
Setting
Summer evening.
There have been sporadic black outs/brown outs throughout the
day, closing some businesses.
A downtown bar. Close to the end of the evening.
There is a park nearby.
36
Falling Up
a short play for one small woman

and one large man
by Trista Baldwin
(In a pocket of a crowded bar, LAURA, dressed well in business
casual, approaches ED, dressed not so well in business casual. ED
is drinking a scotch.)
LAURA. Well. At least I found somebody from the office.
ED. CA-TA-CA CA CA.
LAURA. Excuse me?
ED. That was the sound. Right before the lights went out. CA-TA-CA
CA CA.
LAURA. I cant believe this blackout, I just cant believe it.
ED. Brown out.
LAURA. Excuse me?
ED. I believe, yes, it is called a brown out.
LAURA. Well, whatever its called, I dont like it I dont like it at all
and I need a drink and I cant get a drink because Im too frickin
short to stand at that stupid frickin bar in this stupid black brown
out thats probably caused by some hacker terrorists but they wont
tell us that because they wont.
ED. At least there is scotch. Scotch, instead of the office. No?
LAURA. My feet are killing me.
ED. CA-TA-CA CA CA.
(LAURA bends to adjust a heel. ED tries to help her balance by
holding her arm.)
LAURA. Dont touch me please.
37
38
Trista Baldwin
ED. Do you suppose it was the electrical currents, the power on

and off on and off with the office machines?
LAURA. Marcy thought it was a gun.
ED. MARCY! HA!
LAURA. Id like a gun.
ED. I have a gun.
LAURA. With you?
ED. Of course not.
LAURA. Wheres the rest of our department?
ED. I do not know, Laura.
LAURA. They said to meet here, right?
(ED shrugs.)
We are in the same department.
ED. I believe so, yes. I am Ed.
LAURA. Ive seen the top of your head before. Sticking out. Two
cubes down.
ED. I have seen your leg. Sticking out. Of your cubicle.
LAURA. Ive heard your voice. Talking on the phone.
ED. It is part of my job, to talk on the phone.
LAURA. Loud sometimes.
ED. Do you watch television, Laura?
LAURA. Yes, Ed. I do.
ED. Your eyes remind me of television. Like a TV showa show I
have never watched before.
LAURA. Well youre not going to watch it now.
ED. Im not saying I like you.
Falling Up
39
LAURA. Good.
ED. Your skin disturbs me.
LAURA. Does it.
ED. Theres something not quite human in its smooth
(LAURA matter-of-factly slaps ED across the face They are silent.
Its an oddly comfortable moment.)
LAURA. I didnt mean to hurt you.
ED. You didnt.
LAURA. I mean Ill probably have to see you at work tomorrow.
ED. I didnt feel anything at all.
LAURA. Thats good. Right?
ED. What is good.
LAURA. That you didnt feel
ED. Yes. Yes.
LAURA. I wonder if theyll have this fixed, if well have to go in.
ED. CA-TA-CA CA CA.
LAURA. (Aggressively:) It was more like CUH, DA CUH CUH CUH.
ED. Huh.
LAURA. You think it was the copy machine? Maybe it was the air
system. Theres something up with the air in the building, Ive always thought so, when youre not on the phone, when its slow, and
its just the computer and me and the computer I notice how loud
the air is, how it makes the ceiling squares shake, but maybe its the
fluorescents, hey maybe it was the fluorescents.
ED. I was glad I didnt feel anything, when you slapped me.
LAURA. Were you?
ED. I find, lately, that I do not want to feel very much at all.
40
Trista Baldwin
LAURA. Is that true?

ED. I think so.
LAURA. When the waiter comes, I think Im going to get a Whiskey sour What are you gonna get? Ive never had a Whiskey sour.
Youve been drinking like a fish all night.
ED. Have I?
LAURA. I watched you from across the room. I couldnt help but
watch you, youre the tallest one here.
ED. I dont feel drunk.
LAURA. Youre so big. Its probably hard, it probably takes a long
time. Youre so big. Do you have an accent? Where are you from? I
want to climb you.
ED. I did not think you liked me.
LAURA. I dont, I mean Im not saying I like you.
ED. I do not like petite women.
LAURA. Good, thats good, you shouldnt.
ED. Okay.
LAURA. So. Are you alone, I mean, are you lonely, Im sorry, that
came outstrangeI dont dislike you.
ED. I am lonely, yes.
LAURA. We all are, we all are.
ED. Perhaps. Yes.
LAURA. Yes! The world is so, so big, and everyday, we have to pinch
it into such a small thing, we have to squeeze it, into the head of
pen, of a fucking pen, we have squeeze ourselves into our chairs,
and staaay in front of our computers and pretend that nothing else is
out there, that theres only this tinythe thing is, I dont dislike you.
Its just that, the top of your head, and your voice, and that accent or
whatever it is, and youre big, youre so big
(She hits him in the arm.)
Falling Up
41
Andand, justbig
(She hits him in the chest.)
And thick. Youre so thick.
(She bites him.)
ED. Ouch!
LAURA. Sorry, I didnt think youd feel that.
ED. Well I did!
LAURA. Thats not good, is it.
ED. Not particularly.
LAURA. What do you want Ed.
ED. Well
LAURA. Tell me. I want to know. I cant believe I want to know, but
I do, I want to know what you want. Like with your life, you know.
With yourself in the world, the fucking world, you know.
ED. I dont think I want you to bite me again.
LAURA. What about a slap.
ED. That was better, yes.
(She slaps him again. ED straightens, and with careful consideration, slaps LAURA in return. She laughs. They slap each other
a couple of times.)
LAURA. Wow! Thats great!
ED. You think so?
LAURA. I didnt think Id like it, but, hey Ed? You know what I realized today? When the lights went out in that shit stinking cube
farm?
ED. What.
42
Trista Baldwin
LAURA. I dont feel God. I havent felt God in a long time. When
I was kid I did. I remember. I remember a moment of juststanding on the concrete in bare feet, hot summer day God was in my
whole body, vibrating through my body like aamusical note.
ED. When my little boy would look at me. There was something
like that. Yes. I think so.
LAURA. You have a little boy?
ED. I did. Yes.
LAURA. Hes gone?
ED. Yes.
LAURA. Your son is gone. Did his mother take him? Is he dead? Is
your son dead? Oh God, Im sorry. Im so sorry. You know, this is
why we shouldnt talk to people. Shouldnt talk to people, this is,
this is no good, and its my fault, I started it, Im sorry.
(ED lifts LAURA up off the ground.)
LAURA. Ed, what are you doing? Ed! Oh, God. I dont even know
your last name. I dont even know if youre in my department, whats
going on, wheres the rest of the office, wheres the waiter, I need so
much more to drink for this, are you going to put me down? Wow,
I can see a lot from up here! Wow, you see this much all the time!
ED. I do not like you, Laura.
LAURA. What?
(ED drops her.)
LAURA. Ouch!
(ED starts to walk away.)
LAURA. Hey, where are you going? Wait! Im sorry about your
Youre not really going to leave, are you? Theres nothing out there,
everythings a mess, everybodys stupid, worse than me Ed, theres
theres looting!
ED. Maybe Ill steal a television.
LAURA. But you already have one.
Falling Up
43
ED. Ill steal another one!

LAURA. But thats stupid! What about an iPod, do you have an iPod?
ED. No.
LAURA. You should have one. You deserve one, Ed.
ED. I do not deserve anything.
LAURA. Dont say that.
ED. I am a coward!
LAURA. No!
ED. If I had courage, I would have been a farmer. Pulling food from
the earth. In the elements, that is where I would be if I had any balls.
LAURA. If I had any balls, Id get the hell out of business casual.
ED. Soybeans!
LAURA. Its a night for balls, Ed.
ED. No corn.
LAURA. Soy is a much better, yes. I dont mind knowing about your
son.
ED. You dont know anything about my son.
LAURA. I want to.
ED. I would have chickens.
LAURA. Maybe thisthis nightis a message.
ED. No cows.
LAURA. No? What about a rooster?
ED. Maybe.
(LAURA is unbuttoning her shirt. ED nervously walks back to
her.)
44
Trista Baldwin
LAURA. Wake up to the rooster crowing at the crack of dawn? Lets

stay up til dawn. Will you do that? Will you do that with me?
ED. Um. What are youwhat exactly is(happening)
LAURA. You want to leave here? Ill leave here with you. Lets stay
up til dawn, I havent stayed up until dawn, since I dont know.
My God, I cant remember!
(LAURA unbuttons her pants for more flexibility. She starts to
climb ED as if he were a tree.)
ED. Excuse me, ah, Laura?
LAURA. I used to climb trees!
ED. I feel now that I must tell you we are in a public place.
LAURA. I have no idea how to climb trees anymore! I had no idea
how to do that then, but I did it anyway, thats the thing.
ED. The public is looking. Definitely looking.
LAURA. You slapped me, Ed.
ED. I am sorry about that.
LAURA. I needed it. I really needed it.
ED. Okay.
LAURA. Maybe everything happens for a reason. Maybe theres a
message in this, this interruption of electricity.
ED. Laura?
LAURA. Yes, Ed?
ED. I did feel something.
LAURA. When.
ED. At first. When the lights when out and the computers were
beeping.
LAURA. (On EDs shoulders now.) Oh, I like it up here.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
How to Speak Man

a short lesson for the stage
by Sharyn Rothstein
47
Cast of Characters
Three work buddies in their mid 20s to late 40s, in typical office
attire:
CHARLIE KRONE
TOM FINEBERG
ALAN SPALDING
And their boss, a jovial mans man with a rhetorical sense of humor,
RANDY QUIGLEY.
Setting
The modern office.
Acknowledgements
How To Speak Man was originally produced by The Drawing Board
Arts Project at the Gene Frankel Theatre in New York City in March
of 2005. The cast included: Bryan Gubser, Christian Haines, Chris
Hale and Jason Tomarken.
48
How to Speak Man
a short lesson for the stage
by Sharyn Rothstein
(An office. Monday morning. CHARLIE KRONE, TOM FINEBERG, and ALAN SPALDING have just arrived at their respective desks.)
CHARLIE. So I wake up and Im all tied down. I mean, head to foot,
tied down to the bed. Im thinking, okay, either last night was really
good or it was really bad. (A dramatic pause.) And then my mother
walks in.
TOM. Bullshit.
SPALDING. Tom, did you get Quigley the Landon materials before
you left Friday?
TOM. Yeah, of course.
CHARLIE. Youre not even going to let me finish?
TOM. No, Im not even going to let you finish. Spalding, are you
listening to this?
SPALDING. What?
TOM. Krones bullshit-my-moms-the-citys-most-famous-dominatrix
story.
CHARLIE. Spalding already knows. Who do you think her biggest
client is?
(CHARLIE and TOM laugh and wait for SPALDINGs rebuttal.
There is none. SPALDING continues organizing his desk. Beat.)
SPALDING. Does anybody have a stapler remover?
CHARLIE. Whats wrong with you?
SPALDING. Nothing. Why?
TOM. You just seem Weird.
49
50
Sharyn Rothstein
SPALDING. Do I? Huh. Maybe youre right. I do feel a bit off. Like

Im not quite myself today or something. (Beat.) I think Im just very
fragile today.
(CHARLIE and TOM freeze. They stare at SPALDING. SPALDING, not noticing their stares, takes a sip of his coffee.)
TOM. Fragile?
SPALDING. Like if you touched me the wrong way I could just
break into a million pieces. Do you guys ever feel that way?
(Beat. CHARLIE and TOM look at each other.)
TOM / CHARLIE. (Protesting too much.) No. No. Never. I dont even
know what youre talking about.
(At which point, RANDY QUIGLEY, their supervisor, enters the
office. The men immediately sit down and pretend to work. QUIGLEY stops first at Charlies desk.)
QUIGLEY. Krone, I need the Kimberly draft on my desk by noon.
You got it? Big meeting.
CHARLIE. Yes sir.
QUIGLEY. Oh and by the way, tell your mother that she did a fine
job picking out your tie today.
(QUIGLEY laughs.)
CHARLIE. Ill tell her as soon as I get home, Mr. Quigley.
(QUIGLEY laughs harder.)
QUIGLEY. Oh thats good! Thats good. Well done, Krone.
(QUIGLEY knocks his fist on Krones desk in approval and moves
to Toms desk.)
Fineberg, you catch the game this weekend?
TOM. That new kid can really move on the base path, huh?
QUIGLEY. Like a rocket. Hes a game changer, that guy. Listen, I
need you to draft up a letter about the Clutsky deal.
How to Speak Man
51
TOM. No problem, Mr. Quigley.

QUIGLEY. Thats what we like to hear.
(QUIGLEY knocks on Toms desk and moves to Spaldings desk.)
QUIGLEY. Spalding, I saw the mid-quarter earnings report. Your
teams having a hell of a year, huh? I get close to this desk and I smell
a promotion coming. Huh? Huh?
(QUIGLEY laughs.)
SPALDING. Thank you, Mr. Quigley.
QUIGLEY. (Louder so the other two guys can hear:) And you know
what that means Team manager gets bumped, everybody gets a
little bump bump.
(TOM and KRONE give each other a high five. QUIGLEY notices.)
QUIGLEY. Watch it, fellas. Quarters not over yet.
(QUIGLEYs about to head out, but he stops and looks SPALDING over.)
QUIGLEY. You look pretty tired, Spalding. You get laid last night
or something?
SPALDING. No. No I didnt, Mr. Quigley.
QUIGLEY. Yeah? Well why not?
(CHARLIE and TOM give a forced laugh along with QUIGLEY.)
SPALDING. I suffer from bouts of impotence, due to my fennel allergy.
(All the men stop laughing.)
QUIGLEY. Oh. Well I
(QUIGLEY doesnt know what to say, so he just leaves. SPALDING goes back to work.)
(CHARLIE and TOM get up and approach SPALDING quickly.)
52
Sharyn Rothstein
CHARLIE. Dude. What was that?

SPALDING. What was what?
TOM. You just told the boss youve got impotence.
SPALDING. I know.
CHARLIE. Why?
SPALDING. Because of my fennel allergy.
TOM. No. Whyd you tell him that?
(A cloud washes over SPALDING. Suddenly he realizes somethings not quite right.)
SPALDING. Im not sure.
CHARLIE. Well youd better cut it out. They dont promote guys
with impotence.
SPALDING. They dont?
CHARLIE. Of course they dont.
SPALDING. Oh.
TOM. You okay, man? Youre acting really weird.
SPALDING. I dont knowI guess I justforgot how to speak. I
forgot what to say.
(SPALDING looks up at them, a little panicked.)
Something must have happened, I must have hit my head or something
CHARLIE. Look, Spalding, its no big deal.
TOM. Its not?
CHARLIE. No, its not. Everybody forgets essential life skills now
and then. A couple years back I forgot how to shave. Ive got the
cream on my face, Ive got the razor in my hand and I look down at
it and Im thinking: How the hell do I use this thing?
How to Speak Man
53
SPALDING. Then what happened?

CHARLIE. I remembered.
TOM. Well either Spalding better remember, or weve got to remind
him. Youre never gonna get promoted, you keep talking like that.
And if you dont get promoted
SPALDING. Youre right. I really dont know whats wrong with me.
Maybe I have a headache.
TOM. Sure. A silent migraine, or something.
CHARLIE. Ive read about that.
TOM. No big deal, itll pass. Take some aspirin.
SPALDING. (Smiling weakly:) Right. I think I have some in my desk
CHARLIE. So, Spalding, whatd you end up doing this weekend
anyway?
SPALDING. Julie and I went to Westchester to visit her parents.
TOM. Oh man, the parents!
CHARLIE. Theres your headache. How was it?
SPALDING. It was really nice. Julies mom, Linda, made this gazpacho with just a touch of mint. It was lovely.
(Pause.)
CHARLIE. Dude.
SPALDING. What?
CHARLIE. You cant say that.
SPALDING. Cant say what?
TOM. Lovely. You cant use that word.
SPALDING. I cant? Why not?
CHARLIE. Because its not a word you can use. Its like, an illegal
word.
54
Sharyn Rothstein
TOM. Its a woman word. Like: Arent those panties lovely.

SPALDING. Oh. I see. (Beat.) But the gazpacho was lovely. It was
full-bodied but still surprisingly delicate.
TOM. DUDE.
SPALDING. What?
CHARLIE. Delicate.
SPALDING. I cant use delicate either?
TOM / CHARLIE. NO.
SPALDING. What words can I use?
TOM. You can use good. You can say: Julies mom made cold soup.
It was good.
SPALDING. But it was more than good.
TOM. Then say it was very good.
SPALDING. But that doesnt really capture the complexity of it.
CHARLIE. Its soup. Theres no complexity. Its either good soup
or bad soup. Thats all there is.
SPALDING. That seems awfully limiting. To say that soup can only
be good or bad implies that theres no middle ground. Youre really
dichotomizing soup.
(Beat.)
CHARLIE. Im dichotomizing?
SPALDING. I just think theres more to soup than good or bad.
CHARLIE. It doesnt matter what you think. All that matters is how
you say it. You cant say words like lovely and delicate. You sound
like a pussy. You gotta pull it together man. Or that promotion is
history.
SPALDING. Youre right. Of course youre right. Lovely gazpacho? I dont know whats wrong with me today.
How to Speak Man
55
CHARLIE. Its no big deal. Youre probably gonna snap out of it

soon.
TOM. Long weekend away from the guys, maybe your brain got rewired or something. Dont worry. Well fix it.
SPALDING. Thanks guys.
TOM. No problem, man.
CHARLIE. So, Westchester, huh? Howd you get out there?
SPALDING. We took the Saw Mill.
TOM. Yeah? How long did that take you?
SPALDING. Four hours.
CHARLIE. Four hours? Thats a long time. Was there construction?
SPALDING. No.
TOM. An accident I bet.
SPALDING. No.
CHARLIE. Julie was nagging you to drive slow?
SPALDING. No she was asleep.
TOM. So what took you so long?
SPALDING. I like to drive slowly. (Beat.) Oh and there was this glorious vista. I stopped to take some pictures. (Beat, the men stare at
him.) What? Oh. Glorious. I cant use that word, right? Good. A
good vista. No that doesnt really work. A great vista?
TOM. You cant use vista either.
SPALDING. Then what word am I supposed to use?
TOM. I dont know. Try look-out.
SPALDING. But it wasnt really a look-out. I mean, yes, you could
look out but that hardly captures the full magnitude of the view
(TOM and CHARLIE exchange worried looks.)
56
Sharyn Rothstein
TOM. Spalding, focus. Okay, man? You wanna get better, youre
gonna have to focus.
SPALDING. Right. Focus. Okay. Im sorry. Keep going.
CHARLIE. So, how long did it take you to get back?
SPALDING. I dont know. About an hour.
TOM. An hour? You made good time.
SPALDING. Yeah, Julie was driving.
(TOM and CHARLIE look at each other. Pause.)
TOM. (To CHARLIE, deadly serious:) Dude, what if this is contagious?
SPALDING. Whatd I say wrong?
CHARLIE. (To TOM:) Its not.
TOM. How do you know? I mean, it could be some virus or something. Like the plague or something.
SPALDING. (Worried:) You think I have the plague?
CHARLIE. Its not the plague.
TOM. But how do you know that? What if were risking our lives
even breathing the same air as him? You know I cant come home
talking like that. If I come home talking like that Jessicas out the
door in five minutes. No man who talks like that can keep a girl like
Jessica. I mean, you know that.
CHARLIE. I know. I know. Calm down. Were gonna fix him, okay?
(CHARLIE thinks about it for a second.) Ive got it. We just need a new
approach. Tom, grab him.
TOM. Im not touching him. What if he gives it to me?
CHARLIE. Hes not gonna give it to you. Just grab him.
(TOM grabs SPALDINGs arms and pins them behind his back.)
SPALDING. Why are you grabbing me?
CHARLIE. Cause Im gonna punch you in the stomach.
How to Speak Man
57
SPALDING. What?!
TOM. Dont worry, Spalding. Itll be good for you.
SPALDING. How will punching me in the stomach be good for me?!
CHARLIE. Trust me, man. Thats one of your chick words isnt it,
trust?
(CHARLIE and TOM laugh. CHARLIE tries for a shot, but
SPALDING is squirming around.)
SPALDING. Really guys. Thanks a lot but this isnt what I had in
mind.
CHARLIE. (Overlapping SPALDINGs lines:) Tom, you gotta hold
him still
SPALDING. Maybe I just need to go away for a few days. Find some
luxurious place
(CHARLIE punches SPALDING in the stomach.)
SPALDING. Owww! Okay, not luxurious. Someplacesplendid.
(CHARLIE punches SPALDING in the stomach again.)
SPALDING. Tranquil.
(TOM, who doesnt mind this word, shrugs and lets SPALDING
go just as Charlies punch lands in TOMs stomach.)
TOM. OW! What the hell was that for?
CHARLIE. Who told you to let him go?
TOM. I thought tranquil was okay!
CHARLIE. Tranquil? You think tranquil is okay?
(TOM thinks about it a moment. TOM grabs SPALDING again.)
TOM. No, man, youre right. Lets go.
(CHARLIE punches him.)
58
Sharyn Rothstein
SPALDING. Whats wrong with tranquil? It evokes peacefulness

and serenity
(Another punch and this time CHARLIE really hits him hard.)
SPALDING. STOP FUCKING PUNCHING ME YOU MEDIEVAL
BASTARD!
(Enraged, SPALDING shakes off TOM.)
TOM. Atta boy!!
(TOM slaps SPALDINGs ass.)
CHARLIE. Well done, Spalding!
(CHARLIE playfully body checks SPALDING.)
(SPALDING puts his hands on his knees and takes deep breaths.)
CHARLIE. Now. How do you feel?
SPALDING. (SPALDING takes a couple rasping breaths before speaking.)
Emotionally lost and isolated.
(TOM and CHARLIE groan.)
TOM. Come on man! How about angry? How bout pissed off? You
feel angry Spalding?
SPALDING. Well, yes
CHARLIE. Okay, so punch me back. Come on, punch me back.
SPALDING. What would that accomplish?
CHARLIE. Itll make you feel better about yourself.
SPALDING. Id really just rather talk about why you felt the need to
express your concern for me through physical violence.
TOM. (Getting fed up:) Man, youve gotta stop talking like that.
SPALDING. Like what?
TOM. Like using so many words! Describing things!
How to Speak Man
59
SPALDING. But if I cant describe things how am I supposed to

convey how they make me feel?
CHARLIE. Youre not!
SPALDING. Im not supposed to convey how Im feeling?
TOM. NO. Youre not supposed to feel.
SPALDING. (Laughs.) But thats ridiculous. If Im not supposed to
feel than how can I ever be truly alive? How can I fully experience
the entire range of human experience?
CHARLIE. The same way every other guy does. Through sports.
SPALDING. But sports engender competition and aggression.
TOM. Yeah. Thats why we like them.
CHARLIE. Listen, Spalding, you gotta pull it together. You gotta get
normal or all our asses are on the line.
TOM. Seriously, man
SPALDING. I know. I know. Im sorry.
CHARLIE. Its okay. Its okay. Okay, Spalding, try this: Hey, Tom,
you catch the ball game last night?
TOM. That new pitcher can really throw.
CHARLIE. Spalding, whatd you think of the new pitcher?
SPALDING. I dont know. I didnt watch the game.
CHARLIE. Yeah but still. Youre supposed to know. Youre supposed to have an opinion.
SPALDING. Im supposed to have an opinion about something I
know nothing about?
CHARLIE / TOM. YES.
SPALDING. Why?
TOM. Because youre a man.
60
Sharyn Rothstein
SPALDING. Oh. Okay. Okay. Ill give it a try.

CHARLIE. So. Spalding, whatd you think of the new kid?
SPALDING. He had some beautiful pitches. Really inspiring.
TOM. Oh come on man
SPALDING. Sorry. They were good pitches. Really good.
CHARLIE. And what about the other team?
SPALDING. The other team? Oh. They were bad. Really bad.
CHARLIE. Okay, youre doing fine.
SPALDING. Our team was good and the other team was bad.
TOM. Okay, you got it.
CHARLIE. (Changing tactics:) Hey, you guys see the new girl in accounting?
TOM. Yeah shes pretty hot.
SPALDING. Yeah. Shes good.
TOM. Not like Fat Melanie in legal.
SPALDING. Fat Melanie. Shes bad.
TOM. Okay Spalding, you got it. Now you can move on to other
words.
SPALDING. Which other words?
CHARLIE. You know, like: hot or ugly.
SPALDING. Okay.
TOM. Right or wrong.
CHARLIE. Good or evil.
TOM. Nice or bitchy. Are you getting it?
SPALDING. I think so. I think I am.
How to Speak Man
61
TOM. What do you think about Charlies mom?

SPALDING. Charlies moms ugly.
CHARLIE. What do you think about Toms wife?
SPALDING. Toms wifes a bitch.
TOM. (Suddenly serious:) Whatd you say about my wife?
SPALDING. I said shes a bitch.
TOM. You cant talk like that about somebodys wife.
SPALDING. Why not? She is a bitch.
(TOM punches SPALDING in the head.)
CHARLIE. Hey, cmon guys
(SPALDING sinks to the floor, dizzy.)
TOM. Oh man, Im sorry, I didnt mean to
SPALDING. (Standing up:) No, its okay.
CHARLIE. You okay, Spalding?
SPALDING. Yeah. Yeah. Of course Im okay. Whatre you kidding?
Pussy punch like that? Im fine.
(TOM and CHARLIE stare at SPALDING.)
SPALDING. Whatre all we doing, standing around like a bunch
of assholes? I think its time to get back to work, dont you? Lets go.
Move.
(TOM and CHARLIE look at SPALDING, surprised. Then they
smile and nod.)
TOM / CHARLIE. No problem boss. Well done. To work we go.
SPALDING. Oh and Tom, your wife really is a bitch. But shes hot,
so its okay.
TOM. Thanks, man.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com

by Aliza Goldstein
63
Cast of Characters
IZZY, a fourteen-year-old high-functioning autistic boy
DOVE, a seventh-grade girl
PAIGE, a classmate of Doves
MR. ACKERSON, Izzys father
Acknowledgements
Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World was originally performed in September
2007 as part of the VSA Arts Playwright Discovery Program in
Washington, DC. The cast and crew were as follows:
PAIGE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tara Giordano
DOVE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jessica Francis Dukes
IZZY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tyler Smith
MR. ACKERSON. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Christopher Wolfe
FEMALE UNDERSTUDY . . . . . . . . . . . . . Vanessa Kinzey
MALE UNDERSTUDY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Darren Perry
Sign Language Interpreters. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lisa Agogliati,
Lindsey D. Snyder
Executive Producer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elena Widder
Producer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Irene Weygandt
Associate Producer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elizabeth McCloskey
Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Paul Douglas Michnewicz
Lighting Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dan Covey
Scenic Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tony Cisek
Costume Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Erin Nugent
Sound and Projection Designer . . . . . . . Mark. K. Anduss
Properties Designer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Adele Robey
Stage Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elaine Randolph
Sign Master . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ethan Sinnott
64
Acknowledgments (continued)
A second production was staged at the 16th Annual Blank Theatre
Companys Young Playwrights Festival in Hollywood, CA. The cast
and crew were as follows:
PAIGE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Juliette Goglia
DOVE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Parker McKenna Posey
IZZY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Aidan Mitchell
MR. ACKERSON. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeff Witzke
Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Thia Stephan
Stage Managers. . . . . . . . . . . . Paul Henri del Prado Doble,

Caroline Lee
Producer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daniel Henning
Artistic Producer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Noah Wyle
Weekly Producers. . . . . . . . . Sara Israel and Karli Krueger
All productions of Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World must include the
following credits in the program:
Award Recipient of the 2007 VSA arts Playwright Discovery
Program
Performed at the 16th Annual Blank Theatre Companys Young
Playwrights Festival in Hollywood, CA.
Author Note
I would like to thank Jeff Grove, Janet Allard, Joe Salvatore, and
Colin Denby Swanson for their assistance on the various revisions
this play has been through. They have been instrumental in helping
Izzy Icarus to fly.
65

by Aliza Goldstein
Scene 1
(The play takes place on a beach in the off-season. As the lights
come up, IZZY stands looking up at the birds above him and
flapping his arms slowly, as if he is trying to take flight. PAIGE
and DOVE are situated nearby. DOVE is snapping pictures on a
digital camera. PAIGE looks bored.)
PAIGE. Dove, why are we here? Its cold and boring.
DOVE. Its not boring, Paige. Its art. Izzys the only person who lets
me take pictures without posing.
PAIGE. Hes not really letting you take pictures. Its more like he
doesnt know youre here.
DOVE. So its like Candid Camera except its not like Im embar
rassing him or anything. I get great shots with the birds and him.
(She snaps another picture and creeps closer to IZZY. He doesnt
notice her.)
I mean, its like hes trying to fly or something. Thats why everyone
calls him Izzy Icarus. Cause hes trying to fly.
(She begins circling him, taking more pictures.)
PAIGE. I think youre obsessing over it. I saw a special on the Dis
covery Channel once about people like him. Flapping their arms is
just something they do.
DOVE. Well, I think hes trying to fly. If it was just something they
do, hed be doing it in Trader Joes or Wal-Mart, not out here sur
rounded by birds.
(She turns the camera on PAIGE and moves toward her.)
This is Paigesay Hi, Paige!and she doesnt appreciate my art.
PAIGE. What are you doing?
67
68 Aliza Goldstein
DOVE. Practicing. Havent I told you I want to be a cinematographer?
(PAIGE nods.)
See? I knew I had. Say something to the camera! Youre on DoveTV!
PAIGE. That thing doesnt record video.
DOVE. So? Pretending never hurt anyone.
PAIGE. What is it with you and that thing, anyway?
DOVE. A pictures worth a thousand words, right? So I say stuff
with pictures.
PAIGE. And Izzy says stuff by flapping his arms?
DOVE. Theres nothing wrong with that. He can say things however
he wants.
PAIGE. Dove, youre crazy. Not quite as crazy as he is, but pretty
crazy. So I figure you two crazies can stay out here on the beach to
gether til it starts to snow and hes still not going to fly.
(She exits.)
DOVE. She doesnt know what shes talking about.
(She holds up her camera.)
Its still okay if I take pictures, right? Last time I asked you said yes.
IZZY. (He does not look at her or show any emotion as he speaks. Rather,
he looks at the ground and flaps his arms limply at his sides.) The albatross
has an eleven-foot wingspan. Thats the largest of all flying birds.
DOVE. Thats neat.
IZZY. Proportionally, if I were an albatross, Id need fourteen-foot
wings.
DOVE. So, youd be an Izzy-sized albatross? Not a regular albatross?
IZZY. (His line of thought has clearly moved elsewhere. He doesnt ac
knowledge the question.) The smallest bird is the bee hummingbird.
Two point two four inches. Birds have special hollow bones that
69
make their bodies light compared to their size, so even the really big
ones can fly. Except Ostriches and Emus. They cant fly. Their wings
are out of proportion.
(He begins flapping again, staring up at the birds over his head.)
DOVE. Are your wings out of proportion, too?
(He doesnt answer.)
Are they?
(She lifts up her camera and begins shooting again, only to stop
when IZZY stops and gets down on his knees to regard a bird that
has landed in front of him. Mesmerized, he draws closer and closer
to it and begins to reach towards it, as if he is going to stroke it,
but realizes what he is doing and draws his hand back like hes
been slapped. Furiously rubbing it on his shirt, he begins to speak
as DOVE looks on, mystified.)
IZZY. Birds can carry all sorts of germs and bacteria and viruses like
avian flu and salmonella. You mustnt ever touch them, Izzy. They
might bite you.
(He looks sadly at the bird, and continues speaking, quietly:)
You mustnt ever touch them.
(Blackout.)
Scene 2
(Another day at the beach. DOVE and PAIGE enter.)
DOVE. And thenPaige, are you listening to me?he got down
on his knees and he reached for the bird! It was like he was com
municating with it! He speaks their language, Paige!
PAIGE. What, he whistles?
DOVE. No! It wasnt like that. It was telepathy or something, like he
was talking to the bird without having to say anything.
PAIGE. DoveDove, are you even listening to yourself?
70 Aliza Goldstein
DOVE. I know what I saw, Paige.
PAIGE. And I know that Im not gonna sit out here every day
waiting for your dumb friend to fly. Dove, hes not gonna fly. I told
you already. Its impossible for him to fly. Hes not even trying.
Hes flapping his arms because its what people with autism do. His
brains all messed up and miswired. For all we know, hes really
trying to sing the national anthem and by mistake hes flapping his
arms instead of moving his mouth.
DOVE. So hows he talk?
PAIGE. Huh?
DOVE. If hes moving his arms instead of his mouth, hows he talk?
PAIGE. He doesnt talk.
DOVE. Yes he does! Ive heard him. He talks about birds. He knows
everything about them. Like, what the biggest ones are and what the
smallest ones are. He talks to me all the time!
PAIGE. Ive never heard him talk. And hes probably just mimicking
the Discovery Channel. They do that, too.
DOVE. He doesnt just talk about birds! He talks about himself, too!
PAIGE. He does? Whats he say about himself, huh?
DOVE. Well, he talks about himself in relation to birds. Like, if he
was an albatross hed need a 14-foot wingspan. See? He thinks about
having wings! He is trying to fly!
PAIGE. I think youre reading too much into it. Hes not trying to fly.
Hes just fixating on it. The special I watched? It said they fixate on
stuff. Like, patterns or lights. So, he fixates on birds. Doesnt mean
he wants to be one. My little sisters obsessed with Barbies, but that
doesnt mean she wants to be a doll. Youre obsessed with Izzy, but
that doesnt mean you want to be him.
(Beat.)
Does it?
DOVE. I dunno. Sometimes it seems like life would be simpler that
71
way.
PAIGE. Okay, whatever, but you get the point, right? Theres a dif
ference between obsession and wanting to be something.
(IZZY enters.)
Hey! Izzy! Izzy Icarus!
(He doesnt look at her.)
Earth to Icarus! Care to answer?
(She steps toward him and waves a hand in front of his face.)
Anyone home? Hmm? No? Didnt think so. See, Dove? He doesnt
talk. Youre imagining things. Icarus flew the coop a long time ago.
IZZY. (Pushes PAIGEs hand away from his face.) Icarus and his father
Daedalus were imprisoned on the island of Crete because Daedalus
designed the labyrinth. To escape, Daedalus had Icarus collect the
feathers of birds that flew near their prison.
PAIGE. Greek mythology?
(DOVE shrugs.)
IZZY. Daedalus fashioned the wings out of feathers and wax so that
he and Icarus could fly away from their prison. Dont fly too close to
the sea, he told Icarus, or the water will dampen your feathers and
youll drown. Dont fly too close to the sun, he told Icarus, or it will
melt the wax and your wings will break and youll fall. Dont fly too
close to the sun.
(He pauses speaking, flaps his arms weakly a few times, and rocks
on the balls of his feet.)
Dont fly too close to the sun. Dont fly too close to the sun. Dont fly
too close to the sun.
PAIGE. Yeah? So what happened?
IZZY. But Icarus didnt listen. He was flying, and he became arro
gant and kept flying higher and higher and higher. He flew too close
to the sun, and like Daedalus said, his wings disintegrated. He cried
72 Aliza Goldstein
to his father for help, but Daedalus told him it was his own fault for
not listening. Icarus fell. He fell into the sea and he drowned. He
flew into the sun and then he drowned. He flew too close to the sun.
(He stares unblinkingly up at the birds.)
Dont fly too close to the sun. Dont fly too close to the sun. Dont fly
too close to the sun.
(DOVE and PAIGE exchange confused glances. DOVE whips out
her camera and crouches down to take a dynamic shot. PAIGE
covers the lens with her hand.)
PAIGE. What are you doing?
DOVE. Whatre you doing?
PAIGE. You need to stop.
DOVE. Stop what? Im just
PAIGE. Taking pictures. Stop taking pictures. No more pictures,
Dove. Grow up. Hes crazy and its stupid for you to keep thinking
hes going to fly. Hes not some mythical birdman. Hes autistic, and
nothing hes doing is anything special. Dont you get it, Dove? Its
just something he does. Theres no deeper meaning! There never
was!
DOVE. Paige, stop it! Shut up!
(She presses her hands over her ears.)
I dont want to listen to you! Hes gonna fly and I know it!
(She looks pleadingly at IZZY.)
Arent you? Izzy? Youre gonna fly, right?
(She doubles her resolve.)
I know youre gonna. Youre gonna prove them all wrong. Youre
not crazy. Im not crazy. Its everyone else who is. And when you
do, theyre all gonna say, Gee, that Izzy Icarus. He really was
something. Most amazing thing to happen here in years. Wish wed
given him more credit. And Im gonna have the pictures to prove it.
73
PAIGE. Dove, hes not going to fly.

DOVE. SHUT UP!
(IZZY steps away from them and crouches by the bird, rocking
slowly back and forth. DOVE exits at a run.)
PAIGE. Dove! Dove, come back here!
(She follows, also running.)
IZZY. (After they are gone, softly, as if speaking to the bird:) Dont fly too
close to the sun. Dont fly too close to the sun. Dont fly too close to
the sun.
(Blackout.)
Scene 3
(A different day. DOVE scrutinizes the images on her camera as
if looking for clues.)
DOVE. I know hes gonna fly! Hes justI dunno. Waiting for the
right moment or something. But hes gonna do it. Just because thats
how these kinds of things work. Lifes boring, you meet someone
whos not boring, and then they do something fantastic! So, I figure,
hes gotta fly. Theres no other way. I dont see anything else exciting
about to happen around here.
(She frowns, puts the camera down, and looks up at the birds.
Slowly, she gets up and flaps her arms experimentally. After one
or two flaps, she stops and looks at her hands.)
Funny. I dont feel anything. I must not be trying hard enough.
(She looks up at the birds again and studies them intently.)
Wonder what he sees in them?
(She flaps her arms again, leaping into the air at the same time. She
lands with a thud.)
Something Im missing, I guess.
74 Aliza Goldstein
(She continues flapping. PAIGE enters, sees DOVE, and gives her
a disgusted look.)
PAIGE. Not you, too.
(She turns to leave. Doves defense catches her before she can exit.)
DOVE. I was just trying it. To see why he does it.
PAIGE. (Flatly:) Yeah? And whatd you find out?
DOVE. I dunno. I think Im kinda missing the point.
(She crosses to PAIGE, who resists, and pulls her to center stage.)
Cmon. Try it with me. Maybe youll get it.
(She flaps. PAIGE is not amused.)
PAIGE. Im not doing this.
DOVE. Just give it a try!
PAIGE. Do you have any idea how stupid you look?
DOVE. (Stops.) Youre a spoilsport. Just do it once, okay? Just tell me
if you feel anything.
PAIGE. (Flaps unenthusiastically.) There, happy now?
DOVE. And????
PAIGE. This is stupid. I didnt feel anything but stupid. Dove,
youve reached a new level of weird. I mean, you started out cool
you were my friend. And then you got kinda weird, and then you got
really weird, and now youre super-mega-ultra weird. Im only here
because theres nothing better to do in this place.
DOVE. So, you didnt?
PAIGE. No.
(She crosses left to begin to exit, but pauses about halfway to glare
back at DOVE.)
Get it through your head. Nothings gonna happen. Its not magic. I
75
told you already. So start believing me!

DOVE. Why dont you believe me? I know it. Ive got this gut feeling
that hes going to. I know it sounds crazy, but youve gotta believe
me. Izzy Icarus is going to fly.
PAIGE. Dove, people cant fly.
DOVE. Hes a special person. Maybe he can.
PAIGE. When people call him special, they mean it in a bad way.
They mean hes kind of stupid.
DOVE. I think hes smarter than you. He doesnt just believe stuff
because the Discovery Channel says its true. Hes special. Hes go
ing to do something special.
PAIGE. Hes not special. Hes just some random kid.
(She exits. Blackout.)
Scene 4
(The birds are gone. IZZY stands center stage, looking blankly
up at where they used to be. There is a soft, distant-sounding roll
of thunder. DOVE enters stage right, holding her ever-present
camera.)
DOVE. Whered the birds go?
IZZY. (Matter-of-factly:) Birds know before people that bad weather
is coming. They leave and find a place where theyll be safe from the
storm.
(He stares offstage. There is another roll of thunder in the distance.
He begins to pace, flapping his arms as he does so. He crosses back
and forth a few times, picking up speed, and then runs across with
a leaping gait. DOVE watches him and follows him, pausing at the
edge of the stage while he exits and taking pictures as fast as she
can. She narrates what she sees, or at least thinks she is seeing.)
DOVE. He runs down the beach, each step taking him higher and
higher and higher until hes not even touching the ground at all. His
76 Aliza Goldstein
arms flap against his sides, carrying him higher and higher into the
sky. He sprouts feathers, grows wings, and vanishes into the clouds!
(She calls out to IZZY frantically, as if she has forgotten something
important.)
Izzy! Hey! Izzy Icarus! Dont fly too close to the sun!
(Blackout.)
Scene 5
(A few hours later. DOVE is still seated center stage, looking at
the camera in awe. MR. ACKERSON enters frantically.)
MR. ACKERSON. Dove, have you seen my son?
(DOVE looks up at him as if she has just been shaken out of a
trance.)
DOVE. Mr. IcaruI mean, Mr. Ackerson!
MR. ACKERSON. Have you seen him?
DOVE. Izzy? He flew away.
(She points offstage.)
That way.
MR. ACKERSON. What?
DOVE. Izzy flew away, sir. Down the beach. To find the birds.
(She points at the empty sky to make a point.)
MR. ACKERSON. Do you think this is a joke?
DOVE. No.
MR. ACKERSON. Izzy was supposed to be home an hour ago. Hes
never late. Where is he?
DOVE. I told you! He flew away! That way!
77
(She points again.)

MR. ACKERSON. Thats ridiculous. He cant fly. Now, please tell
me where he is.
DOVE. I promise, Mr. Ackerson, he flew away.
MR. ACKERSON. Dove, please. Paige said he was with you all
morning. Do you know where he went?
DOVE. He flew away! See?
(She thrusts the camera at him. He pushes it away.)
MR. ACKERSON. He cant fly!
(As the tension escalates, IZZY enters stage left, oblivious.)
DOVE. Hes back!
MR. ACKERSON. Izzy!
DOVE. Izzy! Izzy! You flew! I saw you! It was amazing! What was it
like? Where did you fly to?
IZZY. People cant fly.
DOVE. But I saw you! I have pictures!
IZZY. Thats impossible. People cant fly. Their bones are too dense
and they dont have wings. Its basic aerodynamics.
DOVE. But
MR. ACKERSON. Izzy, lets go. Thats enough excitement for one
day.
(IZZY does not go. Instead, he looks at the screen of Doves camera,
which has caught his attention.)
Izzy, come on.
IZZY. Thats a Laurus Marinus. A great black-backed gull.
(DOVE looks at the camera and nods. She begins switching
through the pictures again. IZZY looks fascinated.)
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
The Levee
by Taylor Mac
79
Cast of Characters
PAIGE
KEITH
Acknowledgments
The Levee was first produced in 2003 by Vital Theatre Company in New
York City. It was directed by Marc Parees and the cast was Denise
Joughin and Al Hasnas.
The Levee is dedicated to the magnificent New York Stage

actress Tracey Gilbert.
80
The Levee
by Taylor Mac
(Two oclock in the morning. August in the central valley of California. Lights up on a small kitchen. KEITH, mid-thirties, is fixing
the sink. He wears boxer shorts and a dirty T-shirt. Theres the
sound of a car driving up. KEITH stops his work, not bothering
to get up from under the sink. PAIGE, mid-thirties, comes in. She
is still in her polyester-blend work dress, nylons, and sensible high
heel shoes from her day job. She caries a purse and is drunk. She
stumbles into the kitchen and sees KEITH.)
PAIGE. Jesus Christ. (Louder than she needs to be:) Hello there.
KEITH. Shhhhh.
PAIGE. Someone sleeping?
KEITH. I was getting worried.
PAIGE. Were you?
KEITH. Couldnt sleep.
PAIGE. And so you thought youd fix the sink?
KEITH. Needed fixing.
PAIGE. So accomplished you are.
KEITH. Youve been drinking.
PAIGE. Am I not allowed?
KEITH. Just different.
PAIGE. You shouldnt have waited up.
KEITH. Wasnt sure where you wanted me.
PAIGE. To sleep?
KEITH. Didnt want to assume. Did you drive home like that?
81
82
Taylor Mac
PAIGE. I skipped. Thank you for being here. Vows and all. You could
be so many other places. Should I be handing you something? Isnt
that what bystanders are supposed to do? Hand the dirty handymen something?
KEITH. I got it.
PAIGE. Come out come out wherever you are.
KEITH. Maybe you should sit down.
PAIGE. Youre concerned.
(PAIGE attempts to sit but falls on the kitchen floor.)
No laughing. I love this floor. So cold. Like silk pillows. Went to the
baby doctor today.
KEITH. You didnt tell me
PAIGE. Hopes.
KEITH. So.
PAIGE. It took.
KEITH. And you thought youd go get sloshed to celebrate?
PAIGE. Of course the problem isnt the conception.
KEITH. Still.
PAIGE. Still.
(KEITH puts his hand on PAIGEs belly.)
KEITH. Can you feel it?
PAIGE. Like its swimming around? No. Feels like the absence of
something larger. You notice my bodys so used to being pregnant I
dont even have morning sickness anymore?
KEITH. Might not happen again.
PAIGE. My miscarriages.
KEITH. It might work yeah?
The Levee
83
PAIGE. A woman at work quit her CPA job, declared bankruptcy

and is now working at dairy queen. I thought that was something
only men did. Arent woman supposed to just be happy to have the
high paid office jobmid-life crisis to hell. Were developing a whole
new area of land. Farmers be damned. Building more tract housing.
Heres to another inception. (Seeing his arm for the first time, which has
a brand new tattoo on it:) What the fuck did you do?
KEITH. Took you awhile.
PAIGE. No. You dont get to destroyhow could you?
KEITH. My body.
PAIGE. No. Not your body. My body. ALL MINE.
(PAIGE tears her nylons off in an attempt to cause some bodily
harm without actually hurting herself. She cries.)
KEITH. Shhhhhh.
PAIGE. Dont do that. Im fine. Things are lovely for me. The doctors
bet on a girl. I dont know about that. What would I do with a girl?
KEITH. We.
PAIGE. Lets just take it one second at a time. No celebration. Not
yet. Fix the sink. Ill want to throw up in it later.
KEITH. You okay?
PAIGE. You can sleep on the couch. Or come to bed. Whatever youd
like. Id like to give up, you know. Get a dog. I do it by rote now. Dont
even know if I want it anymore. At one point I wanted it more than
anything. More than you. Remember? Baby ultimatums.
KEITH. Im older.
PAIGE. Now its all turned around
KEITH. I can handle
PAIGE. Now you want it more thanyou dont even look at me
just my mid-drift.
KEITH. (Looking at her mid-drift:) Thats not true.
84
Taylor Mac
PAIGE. What goes aroundplease let it work Keith. Please let it

work. Please please please. Whatever youd like. I wont wait up.
KEITH. Shhhhhh. You stink like booze.
PAIGE. Not sexy?
KEITH. Not right now.
PAIGE. I have a mint somewhere.
(She dumps the contents of her purse on the table, which contain,
among other things, a pack of cigarettes.)
KEITH. Youre smoking.
PAIGE. No comments.
KEITH. Just thought
PAIGE. Didnt do much good to quit.
KEITH. Just thought.
PAIGE. Woman at work just found out shes pregnant. You can
imagine how tipy toe that makes everyone. Parties when Im out
of the room, which suddenly hush into sorrowful looks every time
I walk in. Should never have told anyone. I can hear her talking on
the phone, everyone can hear her talking on the phone, and shes
telling her mother, her mother no doubt, that the doctor says the
baby should be 20 inches instead of 18 if she continues to smoke and
she says to her mother, Two inches, I can sacrifice two inches, they
have a good laugh and she hangs up to have a puff. I swear they do
it sometimes just to get more breaks.
KEITH. Thats not why you do it?
PAIGE. Were you really worried?
KEITH. Its two oclock in the morning.
PAIGE. Did you call the police?
KEITH. I worried.
PAIGE. File a missing persons report?
The Levee
85
KEITH. Didnt know what to do.

PAIGE. So you fixed the sink.
KEITH. Needed fixing.
PAIGE. Daddy hates tattoos. Says they keep you working class.
KEITH. Hes no better off than us.
PAIGE. Still hates them.
KEITH. Tired of not being enough.
PAIGE. Supposed to consult me about stuff like that right?
KEITH. Didnt feel like it.
PAIGE. We stopped being friends?
KEITH. Been working two jobs.
PAIGE. And then coming home to fix the sink.
KEITH. Needed
PAIGE. Fixing, I know. No time for me.
KEITH. I was home.
PAIGE. But not me, I was off getting hammered.
KEITH. I should finish up.
(PAIGE sits and cries. KEITH sits with her for a while and then
gets behind her on the chair and starts making soft motorcycle
noises.)
KEITH. Rmmmmmmmmmm.
(Pause.)
Rmmmmmrmmmmmm.
PAIGE. Where are we?
KEITH. The miracle mile.
86
Taylor Mac
PAIGE. At sunset.
KEITH. Hot summer night.
PAIGE. Like now.
KEITH. Right.
PAIGE. Passing all the homeless men and abandoned shops.
KEITH. Rmmmmmmmmmmmm.
PAIGE. So much wind.
KEITH. Blowing your hair in my face.
PAIGE. In your mouth.
KEITH. Cant see.
PAIGE. So Im your eyes.
KEITH. Right.
PAIGE. Faster.
KEITH. You got it.
PAIGE. Faster than the eyes can focus. Everything zooming by.
KEITH. Rmmmmmrmmmmm.
PAIGE. So beautiful. You feel that baby girlall them lights just
stretching on out as you pass em.
KEITH. Think she can see?
PAIGE. Where to now?
KEITH. The levee.
PAIGE. Up on top.
KEITH. Even faster.
PAIGE. Dodging all them bugs.
KEITH. Thats why youre in front.
The Levee
87
PAIGE. So chivalrous. Come and get me buggies. NOTHING CAN

TOUCH ME NOW.
KEITH. Youll wake the neighbors.
PAIGE. Fuck em. Whered my soundtrack go?
KEITH. Sorry.
(KEITH continues to make motorcycle noise.)
PAIGE. Gravel looks like the sea when it goes by fast. You can just
dip right in if you want. Tumble and discombobulate into little
stones.
KEITH. Hold on tight.
PAIGE. No rules. Not today.
(PAIGE stands up on the chair.)
KEITH. What are you doing?
PAIGE. Acrobatic art.
KEITH. You should get down.
PAIGE. The Hippodrome Stand.
KEITH. Baby wont be too happy if I let you break your neck.
PAIGE. Youd never let me.
KEITH. Cant see with your ass in the way.
PAIGE. Thought you liked my ass.
KEITH. Youre gonna bust it wobbling like that.
PAIGE. Besides Im your eyes right?
KEITH. Cant be doing that kind of stuff.
PAIGE. You concentrate on driving.
KEITH. Just get down.
PAIGE. Sour puss.
88
Taylor Mac
(KEITH picks her up off the chair like a newlywed.)
PAIGE. HA.
KEITH. Ha yourself.
PAIGE. Such a man.
KEITH. Playing the concerned father.
(He sets her down on the table.)
PAIGE. So good you are. When can we do it for real?
KEITH. Once I get my bike.
PAIGE. How much longer?
KEITH. Once you have the kid, once we figure out the money situation.
PAIGE. Will there be a horn?
KEITH. Always is.
PAIGE. A horn to say goodbye with. And for the fun of making
noise and for the fun of just pressing.
KEITH. If you want.
PAIGE. I want to move. I dont want her growing up here. Theres
nothing here, only leftover dust that doesnt know where to go. Used
to grow stuff. Used to have a purpose but doesnt anymore. I dont
want that for her. Can we do that?
KEITH. We can decide when she comes.
PAIGE. Cuz she might not? I miss making love to you just cuz. Will
you come to bed tonight? Will you clean me up and put me to bed.
I must look pretty awful huh? Have I failed too much to know what
to do with me?
KEITH. Were gonna have a baby.
PAIGE. And then everything will be okay?
KEITH. And shell have ten fingers and ten toes and tons of hair.
The Levee
89
PAIGE. Cuz all the babies on your side of the family have tons of
hair, when theyre babies.
KEITH. Right. Paige?
(PAIGE puts her hand up her dress and pulls it outthere is blood.)
PAIGE. Spotting.
KEITH. Lets get you to the hospital.
PAIGE. Stupid little girl.
KEITH. Baby.
PAIGE. Stupid-little-weak-little-girl.
KEITH. Baby lets go.
PAIGE. Dont want to.
KEITH. Ill call an ambulance.
PAIGE. Dont want it.
KEITH. Might be all fine.
PAIGE. Tired of investing so much.
KEITH. Could just be spotting.
PAIGE. She doesnt want to grow into this. Doesnt want this. Cant
force things. Tired of investing. Dont have any more to give. Everything already used up. What if she scraped her knee? I dont have
any more to give. Any more caring. Im tired. Want to let it go.
KEITH. Baby.
PAIGE. Just want to let it go.
KEITH. Please dont.
PAIGE. Can we let it go?
KEITH. Please.
PAIGE. Just let it go.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
Look, a Latino!
by Jorge Ignacio Cortias
91
Cast of Characters
ENRIQUE, sixteen, Mexican
MOTHER, his mother
FATHER, good natured, but unaware
MARIO, an inmate
Time
The present.
Location
Fairmont City, Illinois. Across the Mississippi River from St. Louis.
the attitudes, the glances of the other fixed me

in the sense in which a chemical solution is fixed by
dye
Look, a Negro! It was an external stimulus that
flicked over me as I passed by. I made a tight smile.
Look, a Negro! It was true. It amused me.
Look, a Negro! The circle was drawing a bit tighter.
Frantz Fanon
92
Acknowledgements
Look, a Latino! was originally commissioned and produced by Ma-Yi
Theater Company. The play was first produced as part of an evening
of shorts called Savage Acts which ran at the Ohio Theatre in New
York City, October 9-October 17, 2004 with the following cast:
ENRIQUE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Aaron Yoo
MOTHER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sophia Skiles
FATHER . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ron Domingo
MARIO. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Orlando Pabotoy
irection. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ralph Pea
D
Scenic Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sarah Lambert
Costume Design . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carol Bailey
Lighting Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Justin Townsend
Sound Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fabian Obispo
Choreography . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Schele Williams
Stage Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Hergesheimer
Production Stage Manager . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daniel Everett
All programs distributed in connection with performances of this

play must give the following credit on the title page:
Look, a Latino! was originally commissioned and
produced by Ma-Yi Theater Company, Ralph
Pea (Artistic Director) and Jorge Ortoll (Executive Director).
93
Look, a Latino!
by Jorge Ignacio Cortias

First Look.
(The Gonzalez living room. ENRIQUE is busted. His MOTHER
shakes her head in disapproval.)
MOTHER. I cant even look at you. I cant. I dont recognize you today.
ENRIQUE. Im your son.
MOTHER. No. My son does not shoplift. My son does not shame his
mother. When I look at you I feel shame. So how can you be my son?
ENRIQUE. Dont say that ma.
MOTHER. I raised my son to be a good Mexican boy.
ENRIQUE. Im still your son. Im still Mexican.
MOTHER. You speak English. When you are here with your friends
you speak English. I walk in my house, you still speak English. Why?
So you can make plans to steal?
ENRIQUE. No.
MOTHER. Mijo, thats not polite.
ENRIQUE. Maybe Im Mexican-American.
MOTHER. Whats that?
ENRIQUE. I dunno.
MOTHER. And then you steal.
ENRIQUE. It was just a CD.
MOTHER. They call me at work, they say, Mrs. Gonzalez you son
has been arrested. You know what I say? You must have the wrong
number.
ENRIQUE. Im sorry Ma.
95
96
Jorge Ignacio Cortias
MOTHER. I feel so ashamed. That lady I work for, she see my face,
she say, Whats wrong? I have to lie, say you are sick. I tell her, My
son is in the hospital.
ENRIQUE. Its none of her business.
MOTHER. But no, you were not in the hospital. You were in the jail.
ENRIQUE. It was only a police station.
MOTHER. Dont you have a job?
ENRIQUE. Yeah.
MOTHER. You need money?
ENRIQUE. Not really.
MOTHER. So why do you steal?
(Beat.)
Answer your mother.
ENRIQUE. I dunno.
MOTHER. Then who knows?
ENRIQUE. I dunno.
MOTHER. You should go visit your father.
ENRIQUE. I do.
MOTHER. Not in six months you dont go see your father.
ENRIQUE. I have school.
MOTHER. Visiting hours are after school mijo. Please.
ENRIQUE. OK.
MOTHER. Go see him.
ENRIQUE. I will.
MOTHER. When?
Look, a Latino!
97
ENRIQUE. I dunno.
MOTHER. Hes your father.
ENRIQUE. Yeah.
MOTHER. I cant look at you. You are a shoplifter. It hurts my soul.
It hurts my eyes.
ENRIQUE. Thanks ma.
MOTHER. No. I feel shame. I close my eyes.
Second Look.
ENRIQUE. The last day of my fathers trial went like this: We were
all in that courthouse downtown, the one with windows so small
they look like coin slots. My father is standing in the cold hallway
outside the courtroom, this is while were waiting for the verdict,
and hes telling me Cantiflas jokes. Which irritates my Ma right,
cause shes so stressed out she doesnt think this is a good time for
jokes. And while my father is saying these jokes, hes emptying his
pockets and giving me everything he has on him. Just in case. Im
filling my pockets with his car keys and his handkerchief and Im
listening to these Cantiflas jokes and trying to figure out whats so
funny.
The trial had lasted two weeks. And during that whole trial I learnt
all this stuff about my father I didnt know. Phone calls he made and
people he hung out with when he wasnt with us. It was weird. And
I figured if hes my father, and I dont know him, hardly at all, then
for sure the jury would have a hard time figuring him out too. And
to me, right there, thats reasonable doubt.
Eventually, my father ran out of Cantiflas jokes and we had to go in
and listen to the white lady in the pink sweater stand up in the jury box
and say, Guilty. And then the marshals came over and lifted my father
up and out of his chair, by the armpits and they carried him away.
I watched it all happen and there was nothing I could do. I guess,
you know, that the jury people they didnt have too much reasonable
doubt. Afterwards my mother and I were standing in the parking lot
trying to decide whos going to drive the car home. All I had was a
learners permit, but shes like, Well, he gave you the keys so you drive.
98

Third Look.
(ENRIQUE visiting his FATHER in jail. This is low to medium
security: No Plexiglas booths. The scene opens with a long pause,
ENRIQUE makes squeaky noises on the linoleum with his
sneakers.)
FATHER. You look different.

ENRIQUE. Well its been a while.
FATHER. Did your mother buy you those pants?
ENRIQUE. Nah, I had to buy them just now.
FATHER. You just went shopping?
ENRIQUE. The guard at the front wouldnt let me in cause I was
wearing khakis. And thats what everyone in here wears. So he, I
dunno. Said the prisoners and the visitors have to look different. So
I had to go buy pants.
FATHER. So the guard thinks you and I look alike? How about that.
ENRIQUE. Thats not what he meant.
FATHER. Thats the family resemblance. I bet if we ask him he says
we look alike.
ENRIQUE. Could you please not be involving other people in my
business?
FATHER. See, even the way you react. Thats what happens with us.
Were both very independent. Thats something you got from me.
Your mother tells me you disappear. I tell her not to worry. I can
relate to wanting to disappear.
ENRIQUE. I dont disappear. Im right here.
FATHER. Thats what she tells me. She says you go out at night,
then you come in again for breakfast.
ENRIQUE. Least I eat three square meals.
FATHER. Be careful. Thats one thing Ill say, Is be careful. Careful
Look, a Latino!
99
how you spend your time, or that time is going to come back to
haunt you.
ENRIQUE. Yeah, I bet you know a lot about time.
FATHER. I call the house, when you should be home after school,
no one answers.
ENRIQUE. The machine picks up.
FATHER. You dont want to talk to your father? No, dont worry
about it. At your age you want to be Mr. Solo Man. I was the same
way. I understand.
ENRIQUE. The machine picks upand that voice comes onthat
computer voiceit says you have a collect call from the peniten
tiarypress one to accept, two to decline. And they leave that little
blank space for you to fill in. It goes You have a collect call from
Miguel Gonzalezplease press one to accept, two to decline.
Anyway, I hear that voice, it feels like we talked. Because I know
youre trying to stay in touch and I appreciate it. Thats the main
thing you know, its the thought that counts.
FATHER. Funny man.
ENRIQUE. So you know her, you know that white lady?
FATHER. Who?
ENRIQUE. On the recording, That white lady. She sounds real pro
fessional. Like she doesnt mind that Im sitting on the sofa, staring
at the answering machine. She says her little speech and then she just
waits. Shes all patient.
FATHER. Course it has time to wait. Its a computer.
ENRIQUE. See, thats your ignorance about technology right there.
Somebody rehearsed that. Somebody got paid for that.
FATHER. Well, thats one thing. I always say you know more about
computers then anyone I know. No its true. I tell everybody. Dont
believe me?
(To someone at the next table:)
100
Mario! Mario! What did I tell you about my son the other day?
(ENRIQUE tries to disappear.)
MARIO. When? What day?
ENRIQUE. Yo papi, chill out.
FATHER. The other day. I was telling you about my son. The com
puter guy.
MARIO. The one who disappears?
FATHER. No, say what he does good. Whats the thing he does
good?
MARIO. I dont know. Is he artistic or something?
ENRIQUE. OK, enough. Thank you Mr. Mario. Chill already papi.
FATHER. I always say, when that son of mine stops wasting his
time, he can do anything he wants with computers.
ENRIQUE. Anyway.
FATHER. Its true.
ENRIQUE. OK.
FATHER. Why does it bother you if I brag to my friends about you?
Im proud.
MARIO. It doesnt bother me.
(It bothers him. Long pause.)
FATHER. Appreciate you coming.
ENRIQUE. Yeah of course.
(Long pause. There is some sneaker squeaking.)
(Then MARIO comes up to their table.)
MARIO. Who is this guy?
Look, a Latino!
101
(ENRIQUE tries to disappear.)

FATHER. My son.
MARIO. I cant tell if he looks like you or not.
FATHER. He does. Its been a while since I seen him, so maybe not
so much right now, but he does.
MARIO. To me you two could look related, but not necessarily
father and son.
ENRIQUE. A lot of people dont see the resemblance.
FATHER. Its there.
(MARIO walks off.)
FATHER. I dont see too much of you. You dont really come by.
ENRIQUE. Cause of school and stuff.
FATHER. If you want something, you have to make the time.
ENRIQUE. Yeah, well.
FATHER. I understand. You and me were a lot alike. You dont
always have to explain. I understand.
ENRIQUE. Ill try and come by, but I cant promise.
FATHER. Me and that computer lady, were the ones who have time
huh?
(ENRIQUE pushes his seat back.)
ENRIQUE. Hopefully it wont take too long.
Fourth Look.
ENRIQUE. The next time I was in that courthouse was for this
shoplifting bullshit. I wore a tie and acted all remorseful.
The judge asks me to explain to him what happened. So I explain,
102
pretty much. But I leave out the part about calling the security guard
at the music store an Uncle Tom. And I leave out the part about
how I shoplift when Im bored, and how the scare I get from doing
it feels like a high to me. How I dont think about anything when
Im stealing. How my mind is blank. How my friends look at me
afterwards like Im the biggest bad ass they know. Also, I leave
out the part about how stealing cheers me up. Because better then
anything, shoplifting feels like Im getting back at the fucks who put
my father in jail. I try and explain to the judge pretty much eve
rything that happened, except you know, for those parts.
Instead I come up with this whole thing about how shoplifting is
stupid and how sorry I am and how stupid I was to do it. I use that
word, stupid, and the judge nods when I say it like he knows what
Im talking about. I offer to give him examples from like other areas
of my life to prove to him how stupid I am, but the judge tells me
thats ok, he believes me. He tells me on account of me being so
honest hes going to let me off with a warning. The judge looks me
over with his eyes and he says, to not be so stupid in the future,
thats his advice to me, if I can help it.
Fifth Look.
(The living room, darkened. ENRIQUE enters, turns on a light.
He sees his MOTHER sitting in a chair, she has fallen asleep.)
ENRIQUE. Ma.
MOTHER. (Drowsy:)Tell me.
ENRIQUE. Whats wrong?
MOTHER. Nothings wrong.
ENRIQUE. Youre sitting here in the dark.
MOTHER. I sat down and it was daylight. Sometimes I dont notice,
the day goes by so fast. Like water.
ENRIQUE. Its nine.
MOTHER. Ay mijo, I didnt make you nothing for dinner.
Look, a Latino!
103
ENRIQUE. Dont worry.

MOTHER. Let me fry you an egg, on some rice. Itll just take a
minute.
ENRIQUE. No, its ok.
MOTHER. Youre not hungry? Youre sick?
ENRIQUE. I ate Ma. I ate.
MOTHER. On the street. What did you eat?
ENRIQUE. With friends. I ate with friends.
MOTHER. Which friends?
ENRIQUE. Ma, its your birthday. Dont you remember?
MOTHER. Dont change the subject. Which friends?
ENRIQUE. Hello, its your birthday.
MOTHER. Birthdays are for children. When you get old, nobody
wants to think about birthdays.
ENRIQUE. Well I remembered. Bet you didnt expect me to
remember.
MOTHER. Come here.
(She gives him a kiss.)
Mijo, if I had only one kiss left, I would put it on your cheek. Do you
know that mijo?
ENRIQUE. Stop it Ma. Let go.
MOTHER. Let me kiss my own son. You didnt complain when you
were a baby. Look at you. So handsome. But this clothes. I dont
understand. You wear it so big. But maybe that way you save money?
We did that in Mexico, mijo, please forgive us. We would buy your
shoes two sizes too big and then that way, those shoes would last
you a long time. But then I say to myself, We are in America now. So
why doesnt my son buy clothes that fit him.
104
ENRIQUE. Its the style.

MOTHER. That is not the style.
ENRIQUE. Yes it is. Trust me. I know.
MOTHER. I dont buy you that kind of clothes.
ENRIQUE. Dont worry about it.
MOTHER. Such an ugly style.
ENRIQUE. Ma, I got you a birthday present.
MOTHER. No. Return it.
ENRIQUE. No. Ma. I got it for you.
MOTHER. I dont need anything. You dont have money mijo.
ENRIQUE. I have a job. Remember. Come here. Look at this. This is
for you.
(ENRIQUE holds up a pair of earrings.)
MOTHER. Ay mijo, so pretty.
ENRIQUE. You like them?
MOTHER. These look so pretty. When I die, you bury me with these.
ENRIQUE. You can wear them now. You can wear them whenever
you want.
MOTHER. Maybe on Easter. I can maybe wear them on Easter. So
fancy. Look how they catch the light. People will see these and think
they are real. But I wont say nothing. Let them think what they want.
ENRIQUE. Ma, they are real.
MOTHER. What are you talking about?
ENRIQUE. Theyre real.
MOTHER. Where did you get these?
Look, a Latino!
105
ENRIQUE. Dont worry about it.

MOTHER. Mijo, what have you done.
ENRIQUE. Theyre for you.
MOTHER. No. Give them back.
ENRIQUE. Its your birthday.
MOTHER. Did you take these from the lady I work for?
ENRIQUE. No.
MOTHER. You did. You picked me up and you went upstairs to use
the bathroom. You went into her room. Didnt you?
ENRIQUE. Theyre not hers.
MOTHER. Are you lying to me?
ENRIQUE. No. I swear. Theyre not hers. I wouldnt give you that
witchs jewelry.
MOTHER. What language!
ENRIQUE. I said witch. W-I-T-C-H. Its in the dictionary. So dont
worry, I wouldnt give you that witchs jewelry. Second hand like
that.
MOTHER. Ay mijo, you scared me so much.
ENRIQUE. That lady you work for is a witch. Dont you think so
ma?
MOTHER. Shes a nice lady.
ENRIQUE. You said it. You said even by gera standards, she was
a you-know-what. But you didnt use the W-word Ma, you used the
other one.
MOTHER. That was only one day I say that.
ENRIQUE. Ma: that witch should have to buy you your birthday
presents. She owes you that.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
October /November
by Anne Washburn
109
Cast of Characters
NIKKIE, almost 16. A bit more than plump.
DAVID, just 13. Chunky.
Time / Place
NYC, 1982.
OutsideEast Village4th Avenue.
Production Note
The actors playing Nikkie and David do not need to be 15 and 13
respectively, nor do they need to be heavy.
It is important that we do not see the guitar, that we only hear it.
Acknowledgments
October/November was originally produced in Ensemble Studio Theatres 2008 Marathon (William Carden, Artistic Director). It was directed by Ken Rus Schmoll and the following cast:
DAVID. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Gio Perez
NIKKIE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Amelia McClain
110
October /November
by Anne Washburn
NIKKIE. Hey so you are, what are you, youre the kind of kid who
plays guitar, right? But you know its not cool, right?
I mean, you know its not automatically cool. I guess what I mean is
that I hope youre playing it for real love of the craft, and not because
you think it will make you this other thing. Youre kind of chubby.
DAVID. Youre kind of chubby yourself.
NIKKIE. Youre very chubby. Im a little chubby but Im mostly
curvy. Its a distinction youll understand when youre older. When
youre much older.
DAVID. And your skins bad.
NIKKIE. I see I touched a nerve. My skin is bad, on a bad day,
which this is, and in daylight, sure. Ive got makeup that takes care
of it at night, and night is where I mostly hang out. Night is where
I really live.
DAVID. Are you a folk singer?
NIKKIE. What? No. Where did you come up with that. Its not the
jacket is it?
DAVID. No you just, you look like a folk singer.
NIKKIE. I do not. Is that what you play on your guitar? Do you
play folk music? Wait. Stop. Turn around. Youve got two zits.
DAVID. I know.
NIKKIE. So dont go throwing stones.
DAVID. I dont even play the guitar.
NIKKIE. No?
DAVID. No. My folks cant afford one.
NIKKIE. That is such bullshit.
111
112 Anne Washburn

DAVID. Its not bullshit my dad is laid off.
NIKKIE. No I mean, sure they cant afford one but I mean. That
never stopped anyone from getting a guitar. Get a guitar! Dont let.
I mean look at it all.
(She points to a spot way up the block in one direction.)
There.
(And then to a spot way up the block in the other direction.)
And there. Half of the leaves are already off of those trees. Have you
ever been upstate or in New England in general in the fall?
DAVID. Sure.
NIKKIE. Were you? When.
DAVID. When I was a kid.
NIKKIE. Where?
DAVID. Um. Virginia I think.
NIKKIE. Okay thats bullshit. My point is. Its a subtle phenomena
here, but all around us the world is dying. Youve got to get a guitar
now. I tell you what you do. You go to that store on Second Avenue.
And you ask them whats the cheapest guitar they have. And then
you ask them what you have to do to get it, run errands, whatever.
Thats what Ricky did, thats how he got his first guitar. Your first
guitar! He said it was a cheap ass piece of shit but it was his first
guitar! Do you know that that means!!??
You dont know what that means. Hey, tell me, I dont still have glitter on my face? Around the eyes?
DAVID. Uh, no.
NIKKIE. Good.
(She smooches him lightly on the lips.)
Sometimes its there all day, just a little bit of it. Was that your first
kiss?
DAVID. No.
October/November
113
NIKKIE. Yeah it was. Ill tell you what; your first kiss is not as
important as your first guitar.
Look at the sky! All of that gray, all of that wind. Everything is dying
and winter is coming. If I could spend my whole life in the night I
would. Ciao baby.
(She leaves.)
(The sound of Stairway to Heaven being butchered.)
DAVID. My family lives surrounded by Romanians. Not Ukrainians, which is what everyone thought they were at first, but Romanians. The family on the left is Romanians, and the family on the
right is Romanians. And theres a Romanian family upstairs, not
directly above but two apartments over. Theyre all related. I think
theyre all from the same village. Theyre in and out of each others apartments all the time, you always hear them going up and
down the hallway. My mom was interested in talking with them
at first but they did not want to return the favor, so. It smells, the
cooking smells, like youre surrounded by Ukrainians so I basically
say whats the difference. They hate the Ukrainians. Mom at first
thought it must be a national difficulty and that it must have something to do with their history but now shes decidedapropos of no
concrete data, by the waythat this is a particular prejudice held by
individuals who are unreasonable. She thinks we got a bad batch.
She says the great thing about New York is that youre surrounded
by people from everywhere so you can always remember that people everywhere are a pain in the ass, and theres no reason to want
to leave where you are because everywhere you go its not going to
be any different. And then my dad says no, New York is a city which
is full of people who couldnt hack it where theyre from, and who
probably arent going to be happy anywhere because everybody just
makes excuses, and so anywhere else you go to is going to be better
because those people have left it and gone to New York. The point
is, as they both say, moot, because we dont have the money to get
out of here so its not a relevant topic of debate, its just a brain teaser.
My dad has a book of brain teasers and every now and then he gives
me one in the hopes that Ill eventually get a scholarship to Harvard.
He says, were going to make a regular routine of thisevery evening and we do it a few nights in a row but then he forgets, and I
dont remind him.
114 Anne Washburn

NIKKIE. No dont be ridiculous I wouldnt go out with you. For
one thing, because youre impossibly small. I dont mean ridiculously small Im sure youre fine for your age. What is your age?
DAVID. 13.
NIKKIE. Youre lying youre 12.
DAVID. Im 13.
NIKKIE. Then youre just 13. Or else you really are small for your
age I dont know what height you people are supposed to be I only
see you traveling solo, where are all your friends?
DAVID. Where are all your friends?
NIKKIE. My friends arent here, please. Or okay, how do I put it. If
one of my friends was here, by accident, they wouldnt be my friend.
Because they wouldnt be. Themselves, yet. I, like, right now were
having this conversation as though I were hereand I ambut do
you know what? Really Im a pre-person. Im not who I am: here, in
these clothes, doing this thing Im doing right now which is talking
with youwhich is another thing. The first thing is that youre extordinarily young. And even if you were my age youd be too young
because I only date men who are 25 or up
DAVID. What?! Only 25 or up?! How old are you?
NIKKIE. Basically Im 16. But my larger point
DAVID. 25 or up!
NIKKIE. Okay your childishness is beginning to actively weary
me. Really. Chill out.
DAVID. But thats disgusting. They must be perverts.
NIKKIE. Oh no. Or, well. Yes. They are. In an all-men-are-perverts kind of way. But its actually completely normal. Theres no
reason for me to spend time with a boy my age, and the women who
are 25 all want to get married and have babies. This is a way for two
people to spend time together and not have it be aboutthe future
or about the pastbecause most women when theyre 25 theyve already had their hearts broken, theyve lost their faith and their trust
and their emotional purity, and its sad but its the truth. And this
isnt just about the pleasure that two people can take in each other
October/November
115
its about what it is, in the world, to have two people love each other
with emotional purity. It creates a powerful force. Its positive. It creates a positive energy. This is not penetrating whatsoever is it.
DAVID. Have you taken a lot of drugs?
NIKKIE. You havent ever taken a drug have you. Dont lie. Its
good you havent youre too young. I didnt smoke pot until I was
15 and that was an okay time to start. For me. I have a cousin who
started when she was 14 and shes all messed up. Shes a slut and
shes failing out of high school, its a real mess. Dont take drugs.
Play your guitar and go to school and get good grades and dont
listen to a word they say. Do you get it? Do it for me honey, okay?
Okay?
(She kisses him on the lips.)
DAVID. Okay.
(She leaves.)
(Stairway to Heaven again, slightly more dexterous.)
DAVID. The big question this year was to dress up or not to dress
up. Walter was all for dressing up. Its free candy, he said. Its free
candy. Its worth it to be a dork for free candy. And Im all: is it?
This is in my head, not to Walter. And Im also thinking: this might
mean Im an adult, even if my pubic hair isnt up to speed, but if its
more important to me not to be a dork, than to have a mound of free
candy and this is taking into account the near certainty that Mr.
DeMarco is still in form this year, still giving away entire Hershey
barsand by not be a dork I dont meanits not so much about being a dork, its about what not being a dork can represent which is the
possibility of girls, obviously, and, more than that, the possibility of
things happening. That Im standing on the street corner, and its almost dark, and the wind is up, and the litter is flying around, and its
exciting and that something can happen to me next, that I dont just
go home, eat dinner, do schoolwork. Its hard to explain and I cant
explain it to Walter who would accuse me of bending to conformity
and of being afraid to be a non conformist and of course he may be
right but its difficult for me to believe that hes right, frankly, when
hes wearing a superman outfit which is a) from Woolworths and b)
last years and does not fit.
116 Anne Washburn

I know its conformist to want truth to come from someone who
looks impressive, or at least not lame.
(Quoting Walter:)
Time to suit up Davey. The hallways are already full of cute little
kids. The candy isnt going to hold out forever.
I said nah, and I stood on the street corner, and it was almost dark,
and the wind was up, and the litter flying around and then I went
home and ate dinnerand in my house we dont do dessertand
then did schoolwork and then went to bed.
(Butchered Jimi Hendrix riff.)
And the next day I sat with Walter at lunch and he was loaded with
candy but he didnt want to share.
NIKKIE. Prove to me that you actually own a guitar.
DAVID. I do. Ill go get it.
NIKKIE. No, I dont have time for that. Let me see your fingers.
(She examines them, holding his hand intricately in the process,
continues holding his hand.)
You are playing the guitar. What are you playing?
DAVID. Im playing Led Zeppelin. And Jimi Hendrix.
NIKKIE. Jimi Hendrix? (She snorts.) Well thats beginners material.
DAVID. Whats wrong with playing Jimi Hendrix?
NIKKIE. Theres nothing wrong with it. You might as well start
at the top.
(She is uncharacteristically silent.)
DAVID. Looks like you got all the glitter off today.
NIKKIE. Oh. Thats because I didnt put it on.
DAVID. You didnt go out?
NIKKIE. I went out. But I didnt go out.
October/November
117
DAVID. Oh. I know what you mean.

NIKKIE. (Rousing:) You so deeply do not.
When Ricky got his first guitar he played it up on the roof. There
was no way his mom was standing for it, or the neighbors. So he
propped the door open and he played it in any weather but rain.
Hes says thats the characteristic of his soundthat it was formed
by the buildings, formed by the river, formed by the night sky, when
the sky is all orange looking, and by junkies in the corner near the
drain, and girls and their tricks. And that thatsthat if youre really
listening, youre going to think youre listening in that environment.
And I do hear it that way when my eyes are closed. But I like to keep
my eyes open. I like to watch him. Where do you play?
DAVID. In my bedroom.
NIKKIE. And your parents are okay with that?
DAVID. I guess so. They make jokes and Ive got to kind of limit my
time. The neighbors come from a repressive regime so, I think they
figure its all part of life, or maybe they dont know they can bang on
the wall. Maybe they think its illegal.
NIKKIE. They limit your time? That stuff cant be limited. Thats
how you become a man by the wayin case you were wondering
by exploring your own limits. And finding out how far you can go,
and how deep you can go, and how long you can go. Sometimes,
your own limits are past the ones the society sets. But that doesnt
matter, you have to cross societys limits to find your own.
(She is, again, uncharacteristically silent.)
(Hes thinking about saying something.)
Theres some people who know they have to find out what their
limits are, but they dont dare go the distance. They cross societys
but then, its like they thought that would be enough. And theyre
scared to go any further. So they justagitate, on the one side of the
line. Its immature. Its pretty sad, actually.
(Again, the silence.)
Youd be surprised. Theres some really straight seeming people, all
around us actually, who went all the way over. And they found out
what they needed to find out. And then they came back.
118 Anne Washburn

(This is her own thought:)
You cant tell who anyone is by looking at them.
(Bit of a pause,)
DAVID. Thats whats great about the guitar, right. You listen to it.
NIKKIE. (? and a raised eyebrow:) Yes.
DAVID. Its like someone is saying something, but theyre actually
saying something. It has candor.
NIKKIE. Candor. You must be an A student. Am I right?
DAVID. As and Bs.
NIKKIE. Whats the Bs in. PE?
DAVID. And in music. He makes us all play the recorder. Everybody at the same time. It sounds like murder.
NIKKIE. The recorder. Is an instrument. For elves.
(This cracks them both up.)
But you know, actually, I think youre right. I think its the honesty
that people are drawn to. Its like, thats where all the honesty is, and
all of the lies, all in the same place. In a black room late at night.
DAVID. Now you sound like a folk singer again.
(She laughs.)
Maybe I could go with you sometime.
NIKKIE. Oh youre kidding. Oh please.
DAVID. Yeah I was kidding.
NIKKIE. Youre far too young.
DAVID. Youre too young.
NIKKIE. But Im with people. Also Im a woman which makes a
difference. Youre still a little kid. Which is funny. Because in theory
youre only a few years younger than me.
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
Particle Board
by Elizabeth Meriwether
121
Cast of Characters
HAROLD CRETTS
SLY JONES
TRISHA FOME
DAMARA
DOCTOR
JAY
Production Notes
We originally produced this play with two microphones set up on
either side of the stage. Sly Jones spoke into one, and the other characters used the other and left the stage after they were done speaking. Harold was on a platform off to the side, away from the action.
Everyone performed directly to the audience. Think one of those
documentaries on PBS or the History Channel. Oh yeah, every time
Harold tells a joke he hits himself with a piece of wood and yells out
Ow! We used foam board so no one got hurt.
Acknowledgments
Particle Board was originally produced by Ars Nova (New York City),
as a part of the Wikipedia Plays Project in 2007. It was produced by
Kim Rosenstock and Jason Eagan and directed by Shira Milikowsky
with the following cast:
HAROLD CRETTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daniel Berson
SLY JONES. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Audrey Lynn-Weston
TRISHA FOME . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kristin Slaysman
DAMARA. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rebecca Henderson
DOCTOR. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ben Correale
JAY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Stephen Haskell
122
Particle Board
by Elizabeth Meriwether
(A man walks up to a microphone. Taps it a couple times.)
HAROLD. This thing on?
(He laughs. And then hits himself on the head with a piece of
wood.)
HAROLD. Ow. My wife came up to me the other day and she said,
Honey, is that a piece of wood in your hands? And I said, Wood
you like to hold it?
(He laughs. And then hits himself on the head with a piece of
wood.)
HAROLD. Ow.
(SLY JONES, carrying notecards, enters on the other side of the
stage. HAROLD freezes.)
SLY JONES. Harold Cretts was this countrys first and foremost Particle Board comedian. Some consider him the founding father of the
Particle Board schtick. Schtick is a Jewish word meaning something
that Jews think is funny. And Christians pretend to think is funny.
Particle Board is of course the cheap wood invented during World
War Two when supplies were hard to come by, its manufactured
out of wood chips of all different kinds of trees and stuck together
with resin. Which comes from the Latin, To Rez. Or to hold from
behind while crying.
HAROLD. If you ask me what war I fought in, Id say it was Wood
War Two.
(HAROLD hits himself with the wood and yells out Ow!)
SLY JONES. Much like Particle Board, Harold Cretts was himself
made up of wood chips. If wood chips were a metaphor for being
born in Brooklyn in 1935 and being Jewish. When asked how Parti
cle Board comedy was born, Harold Cretts replied, I had a piece of
wood in my hand and then I hit myself with it. Always quick with
words, Harold never ceased to charm anyone he came acrosschil123
124 Elizabeth Meriwether

dren, women, and a tiny Gay named Fantastic Jack. Jack ignored his
4th official warning and one restraining order to run up and give
Harold a hug at the 1957 World Series. Harold smacked the boy in
the face with his Particle Board and sent him to the hospital with a
surface wound, where it was revealed that his name was not Fantastic Jack but rather Robert Duvall. Robert would of course grow up
to be Robert Duvall, star of Tender Mercies and Secondhand Lions.
When asked, Duvall claimed to have no recollection of his days as
Fantastic Jack, the tiny Gay. This is just one in a series of strange and
wonderful anecdotes that happened to Harold as he traveled around
the world with his wood, talking to people of all colors and shapes.
Sometimes those shapes were even fat people.
HAROLD. So my wife asks me if she looks fat in those pants, and I
say, No honey, but my wood looks fat in your pants!
(HAROLD hits himself in the head with the wood, and yells out
Ow!)
SLY JONES. One funny story is that Harold spent an uncomfort
able elevator ride with Walter Cronkite where neither of them said
a word. The incident is chronicled in his well-loved memoir, Oh,
My Wood!
HAROLD. I got on the elevator and I turned around and there was
Walter Cronkite. At the end of the elevator ride, I got out of the ele
vator and walked to my car.
SLY JONES. Candor. Integrity. American. Cantankerous. Hilarious.
Average. Complicated. Sexy. Wet. Exorcist. Not mean. Clinically
Insane. All these words have been used to describe Harold Cretts.
Whatever he was, the women went nuts, citing most often that it was
his use of the Particle Board that first caught their eye.
(TRISHA FOME enters and speaks out.)
TRISH. Oh, I remember the sound of it hitting his head. If I had to
write it down, Id probably spell it S-L-P-A-T, Slpat. Joke. Slpat. It
looked really painful. And I remember there was a little bruise forming at his hairline, and you know by the end of the night Im pretty
sure there was a lot of blood coming down his face. It was hilarious.
I remember that night I wasnt wearing socks and, ooo, I felt just
like Myrna Loy. I went up to Harold after the show and asked him
if I could touch his woodand then oh gosh, I was so young, I just
Particle Board
125
started blushingit was probably the pink wine and the late hour
but Harold took me in his arms and French kissed me. He gave me
oral herpes that Ive had my whole life. When it flares up, my husband always laughs and says, Looks like Harolds back. Its funny
he calls my herpes a name. My husband is almost as funny as Harold
Cretts. But hes not.
SLY JONES. What was it about the wood?
TRISH. I dont know. Its just funny when people hit themselves.
Especially handsome men like Harold. Thats really funny.
(TRISHA FOME exits.)
SLY JONES. The women came and went but few stayed. Once a few
did stay, literally. Harold is often credited with inventing the Foursome, which to weaker men would just seem like a bad idea. For
many women, what first drew them in was often what eventually
made them leaveyou guessed it.
(DAMARA FATELLI enters.)
DAMARA. I said, Harold, lets go to bed and make a baby. And he
starts crying. And Im like: Whats wrong? And hes like: Nothing. And then maybe Id put on some stiletto heels and walk on his
face. And it was like that for 5 years.
SLY JONES. Why did you stay, Damara?
DAMARA. There was something about him. Kinda made you feel
like a warm buttered roll. After all the other schmucks who made
me feel like chop suey. And I dont say that lightly. I dated a lot of
Chinese. Great in bed. They dont call it soy sauce for nothing. They
really nailed me like I was a railroad track. Are you going to have to
bleep that out because it was racist?
SLY JONES. How was Harold in bed?
DAMARA. Well there was a lot of crying, like I said, but there was
also a lot of joy. Joy mostly in the form of crying. But I knew he loved
me. He liked it when I stayed really still, you know really quiet and
still and stiff.
SLY JONES. Like a piece of wood?
126 Elizabeth Meriwether

(DAMARA takes a moment to think, reflect, then:)
DAMARA. (Softly:) Oh god.
(Another beat.)
Thank you.
SLY JONES. What some might call inspiration, others called an ob
session, an addiction. Wood-addiction or Waddiction can be crip
pling, even fatal. Harold hit rock bottom on American Bandstand
with Dick Clark.
(HAROLD is a broken man.)
HAROLD. So Dick, Dick, you wont believe what my wifemy wife
she said, Harold, (Incoherent mumbling:) And I said I said (Incoherent mumbling:) I said (Incoherent mumbling:) Youre a bitch
(HAROLD hits himself over and over with the wood, then holds
it to himself.)
(Softly, crazy:) Bandstand, Bandstand
(HAROLD beats an imagined Dick Clark away with his wood.)
Get away Dick, no, no, get away, Im dancing, Im dancing with my
woodIM DANCING, DICK, IM DANCING
(DOCTOR enters.)
DOCTOR. Harold came to my facility the first time he tried to live
without his wood. It only lasted a couple days. I suggested inpatient
care, and that he needed to spend a good thirty days. At that point
his hands were barely recognizable with so many splinters and his
head was badly bruised and scarred. I guess he hit a rough patch
in his career, and he thought if he hit his head harder and harder
it would make his jokes funnier. It didnt. But he meant a lot to a
lot of people. He was like a rock and roll star for my daughter, she
just jumped around the whole time he was on with Johnny Carson.
I didnt care much one way or another but I guess I liked the part
where he hit himself. I didnt have the heart to tell my daughter that
hed come in for rehab years later. It was a sorry sight. Its not how I
would have wanted to spend my life, you know, hitting myself with
wood, but then you know, I dont think comedy is funny. And as I
Particle Board
127
said, he was out of there after about 3 days. We tried to talk him out
of leaving, but he just sat there quietly. I could see it in his eyes. He
couldnt live without it and you know what, I dont think he wanted
to. I think he left the rehab center and went right to a hardware store.
It had to be Particle Board, the cheap stuff. He was down to nickels
and dimes at that point. Must have told them he was building a treehouse. No one knew he was digging his grave.
SLY JONES. A Side Splitter. That was the headline in the New
York Post. It is still unknown how Harold bought the saw, some
people think the FBI gave it to him because they just wanted him to
die so they could stop following him. It remains unclear if he was
aiming to saw the wood in half or himself, regardless, it didnt end
up being the wood. And the man who had worked so hard at keeping the world from seeing his insides, finally showed us everything.
Conspiracy theories abound. Some claim that vital organs were
missing and that Real Harold Cretts took some of Fake Dead Harold
Cretts and went to Vancouver and worked as a librarian. But that
just doesnt make any fucking sense. Some say that Harold Cretts
was a Jewish leprechaunin Yiddish lore, a tekl-mentch. They say he
is now living inside a tree in California and he will come back out
in 55 years when someone bakes a magic Jewish cookie, called the
cookie-le. One Michigan teenager claims that he is the reborn Harold
Cretts.
(JAY FEDDO enters.)
SLY JONES. And this teenager is obviously a jerk.
JAY. I just think hes really funny.
SLY JONES. I hate you.
(JAY opens a Diet Coke and drinks it.)
SLY JONES. Harold Cretts meant many things to many people.
Some of those people were fat. Some of those fat people were nice.
Some were once tiny Gay boys. Like me.
(A beat.)
I am Robert Duvall.
(He holds up a picture of Robert Duvall. JAY drinks his Diet
Coke.)
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
or go back to:
www.playscripts.com
Pissed Sister
by Elizabeth Hemmerdinger
129
Pissed Sister
by Elizabeth Hemmerdinger
(HELENE is seated on an old bench. She reorganizes a large, ordered file of papers and then addresses us.)
HELENE. I have been blessed. With a wonderful mother, a wonder
ful life. I swear that everything I say is the entire truthso help me
God. And I resent any intimation from my sister or anyone else that
things are otherwise. No, Esme! You will have to listen: I am speaking, I have the floor! You will not interrupt me the way you have
no, the way I have allowed you tomy entire life. This is my day in
court, thank you very much. And the judge and these good people
are going to findfinally, irrevocablythat your case, in every sense
of the word, is frivolous! Just like everything else about you. Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen, my sister wants to put our mother back in the
nursing home. Now, she can sue me all the way to Succoth, can drag
me through every court that will give her the time of day, but no one
is going to dispute the fact that rescuing that poor woman was an act
of mercy. No, heroism!
Please do not be distracted by Esme and that staring, glaring thing
she does behind my back, raking those spidery fingers through overprocessed hairsuch a hideous mutilation, it ought to be a punishable offense all by itself. Oh, and shes going to wrap that whateverit-is-poodle jacket tight, tight, tight and whip some suitcase-sized
endangered-species pocketbook around like a souped up, underachieving matron whos just missed a major Rodeo Drive sale,
which, indulge this candor, friends, is exactly what she is!
Let us review her qualifications to summon me to court. Which one
of us has the diploma from Yale Law School hanging on the wall? In
fact, which one of us even finished high school while the other one
was chasing a legs-up movie career in Hollywood before Mr. OkayHes-Bald-But-Ill-Take-Him-Anyway swept her off those tiny little
stilettos? We are, after all, merely a study in opposites and should
not be taking up your valuable time. That said, allow me make it perfectly clear that these proceedings are depriving our motherright
this minuteas we speakof one of her important pleasures. This
is the kind of day when we do a full bath. We roll out onto the terrace, First Avenue careening raucously twelve floors below, we peel
131
132 Elizabeth Hemmerdinger

down so the sun soaks to the bone marrow, just basking, basking in
the day. Then we lather up, and rinse, gently rinse, with the sprinkle
setting of the garden hose. Which one of us provides this little act of
kindness for the saint who sacrificed her world to us? Which one is
the negative? Which one of us discovered the fabulous new nozzle,
poring over catalogues every day? Which of us is the positive?
My neighbors are the working class, the Koreans continuously washing vegetables at their ordered little shops, the Latinos, the Spics and
the spans. These are the ones I reach out to for support when I carry
the wheelchair up and down the front steps of our building. These
are the ones who will speak on my behalf today. What nice things
could my sisters lawn-encrusted neighbors possibly say on her behalf? And do you know why? Because our mother, who deserved
the best that life can provide, who is no longer suffering from constipation, hemorrhoids, gallbladder problems, urinary infections, and
kidney stones, a dementia patient who is actually quiet now and not
agitated, who no longer screams, Dont hurt me, every time someone comes near the bed, has only me to thank, while my sister wallows in the lap of unearned income.
What contributions has she ever made to mothers well beingor
anyone elses, for that matter? Wait, I exaggerate! Theres fruit of the
month! Yes! It would have been useful if the fruit she sends were
saya hair dresser, or one of her decorators to offer counsel on the
quilt-to-curtain ratio or even if the fruit were those juicy little Clementines. But no! Do you know last months fruit? Quince. We can
stipulate that quince contain vitamins. But texture? Juice? Zest? No.
Roughage? You could bet any quince-eaters sore assets! So, thank
you, dearest, for simply killing us with kindness.
Wait! Do you hear her, muttering into that poodle skin blazer? Know
what shes saying? Thats enough of your acid tone! She was saying that when she was seven. Want to know the first time she said it?
It was when she put pickle juice in my ginger ale at Suzie Coopers
Halloween party, when I was five and she was supposed to be the
mature one watching me. What other tone is there to take, spitting
pickle juice on Mrs. Coopers rug? She can go ahead and project that
air of superiority til frogs fly. Im over it. Totally.
It should be obvious to you by now that the sacrifices I have made
are nothing compared to the pride I take in caring for my mother and
in defending my right to do so. It will be up to you to decide: who
is good and honest, who is angry and always has been because with
Pissed Sister
133
that temperament its hard to be anyones favorite.

We are, you can see, a study in black and white. I dress simply, modestly; you dont have to spend a lot of time or money to look good.
You husband your resources so you can help others. My sister, on
the other hand, spends all day spreading her husbands resources
over those scrawny hips. Whats she doing, making those bug eyes,
back there? Or is that just the latest surgery at work? You dont get
that much loft with Botox, you surely dont. But they do wonders
with an ordinary face out there in Lala land, cant they? Out there
right next door to the house formerly known as O.J.s. Its not like the
entire planet didnt get those chopper shots of her lounging at her
pool while the cops dragged him down the driveway to jail. Rent the
video and see for yourself that this woman enjoys getting people put
away. Well, its one kind of housekeeping, I guess.
But me? I havent had a nanosecond of regret about bringing Mom
home. Shes been eating by mouth againand shes gained twenty
pounds. And instead of that long green tube they were using at Halcyon Hill, I got a Bard button implanted in her stomach for when
we want to get something right straight in there. Its an inch long
and not a third of that wide. In that place my sister put her, she was
pulling that tube out every other day. But this button? Shes never
once bothered with it. And you know why? Because its transparent!
The unschooled eyehers, for the sake of argumentmight miss it
at first glance. Which obviously proves that Mom can see just fine
and that she continues to appreciate the understated.
And her hearing! For a woman her age: stupendous! Wanda, the musical therapist, comes almost every week and we sing along while
she plays the accordion. We rent moviesno violenceor an old TV
show, Ed Sullivan or Lawrence Welk. We watch TVmostly PBS, or
the surgery channel. Use it or lose it, am I right? So between that, the
terrace, our doctor visits, concerts and my Smith College reunion last
June, that darling woman is deprived of nothing.
And neither am I. Not that anyone is sleepless over my needs. Im
up two to five times a night, max. Do I look tired? I dont think so.
And shes never once fallen out of her bed, which, I might add, is not
a hospital bed. The secrets in how you tie the sheets. Esmes hotsytotsy lawyers will prove nothing to any judge, to any jury! And Im
not obsessed, either. When Moms resting and comfortable, well-fed
and dry, I go out. I market, I jogsame time, same distance since
Junior Varsity track. I have a rich, full life and I share it with the
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Great Short Plays Vol 7

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Great Short Plays: Volume 7 (1st ed. - 08.10.

The Rules in Brief

toll-free phone: 1-866-New-Play

DAN. You seemenergized today.

DAN. Why? Whats charged you?

DAN. Its almost three.

GEORGIA. Good. I like my butter strong. It makes me feel safe.

DAN. Yes it is.

GEORGIA. But you dont hear the other sounds.

Drew Barrymore and Sigmund Freud Meet the Cookie Monster 25

Drew Barrymore and Sigmund Freud Meet the Cookie Monster 27

Drew Barrymore and Sigmund Freud Meet the Cookie Monster 29

WOLF. Handsome? Hes bloody gorgeous!

Drew Barrymore and Sigmund Freud Meet the Cookie Monster 31

KAT. We dont see the boot.

1 This is not a misprint. WOLF intentionally says Oh my dog rather than Oh my

a short play for one small woman

a short play for one small woman

ED. Do you suppose it was the electrical currents, the power on

LAURA. Is that true?

ED. Ill steal another one!

LAURA. Wake up to the rooster crowing at the crack of dawn? Lets

How to Speak Man

How to Speak Man

a short lesson for the stage

SPALDING. Do I? Huh. Maybe youre right. I do feel a bit off. Like

How to Speak Man

TOM. No problem, Mr. Quigley.

CHARLIE. Dude. What was that?

How to Speak Man

SPALDING. Then what happened?

TOM. Its a woman word. Like: Arent those panties lovely.

How to Speak Man

CHARLIE. Its no big deal. Youre probably gonna snap out of it

How to Speak Man

SPALDING. Whats wrong with tranquil? It evokes peacefulness

How to Speak Man

SPALDING. But if I cant describe things how am I supposed to

SPALDING. Oh. Okay. Okay. Ill give it a try.

How to Speak Man

TOM. What do you think about Charlies mom?

Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World

Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World

Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World

Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World

Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World

PAIGE. Dove, hes not going to fly.

Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World

told you already. So start believing me!

Izzy Icarus Fell Off the World

(She points again.)

The Levee is dedicated to the magnificent New York Stage

PAIGE. A woman at work quit her CPA job, declared bankruptcy

PAIGE. What goes aroundplease let it work Keith. Please let it

KEITH. Didnt know what to do.

PAIGE. So chivalrous. Come and get me buggies. NOTHING CAN

the attitudes, the glances of the other fixed me

All programs distributed in connection with performances of this

by Jorge Ignacio Cortias

Jorge Ignacio Cortias

Jorge Ignacio Cortias

FATHER. You look different.

Jorge Ignacio Cortias