Hell W

To

ith

Georgia

Friday, November 20, 2015

vol. 101, No. dalmatiaNs | atheNs, GeorGia | Nique.Net

UGA FOUND ON

ASHLEY

MADISON!
X. BENEDICT

STRAIGHT FROM THE PAN

In the data dump in October,
it was revealed that beloved u[sic]
ga live mascot, Uga, not only had
a fully paid account, but was a frequent user of the Ashley Madison,
the infamous website created for
the sole purpose of cheating on
your significant other. The website
was hacked by a group called The
Impact Team, who exposed user
identities and other customer records to demonstrate the websites
insecurities as well as how promised features by the Toronto-based

parent company Avid Life Media

were not followed through on.
Uga wed his trainers leg back
in May of 2013 after a brief courtship during a sprightly walk in the
evening. The bulldog previously
dated the Athenian sidewalks,
who he referred to as his true
love, before quickly abandoning
them for other inanimate objects.
While proclaiming that he was
perfectly happy after tying the
knot, Uga did note that had been
somewhat sexually dissatisfied after the leg has gone soft and was
not as muscular as it once was.
The data released online
showed that someone using a

credit card belonging to a Dwag

Haus, with a billing address of
Sanford Stadium, made ongoing
payments of $969.69 for four different monthly Ashley Madison
subscriptions starting from June
9, 2013. Each of the accounts was
set up to court a different type
of object: inanimate, animate,
attached to humans and squeaky
toys.
The data also revealed Ugas
extramarital sexual interests. The
three main recurring key words
included, doggy style, being
tied up and collaring. On what
Uga would offer the partner, being used to left down by men in

Prof finds water on Earth

THAM THIRSTY

GOTTA GET EVERY LAST DROP

New analysis by u[sic]ga scientists confirms a long-held suspicion that there is, in fact, flowing
water on present-day Earth.
Weve been blessed to be
working with some of the greatest
minds in this field, said Dr. Marty Connard, director of terrestrial
exploration sciences at u[sic]ga. It
really speaks to the dedication and
talent of everyone involved that
we were able to sift through all of
this information and come to such
an unprecedented conclusion.
The research team credited
with this discovery is comprised
of u[sic]gas best and brightest undergraduates, including fourteen
freshmen, a seventh-year senior,
Hairy Dwag, and a sentient glob
of dip spit nicknamed Flubber.
This was, like, the coolest
thing Ive ever done, said one of

the freshmen. I knew that water comes out of the shower and
stuff like that, but finding it running around in the wild was really eye-opening. Kinda reminds
you that we probably arent alone,
you know?
Its bizarre to think that all

this time there was such a huge

discovery right under our noses,
said another freshman. Weve
domesticated so much water that
I didnt even know that it was still
out there in its natural habitat.
Im not actually sure what

See WATER, page D5

Photo by Cevin Kostner King of the Waterworld

In the latest round of ground breaking u[sic]ga research, the star

team discovered that water indeed does exist on planet Earth.

Tired of being judged for wanting to date your relatives?

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One month free trial if you are wearing camo in your profile picture.
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EVEN THE
STANFORD TREE
HURT BY THE
SCANDAL
tight pants, peeing everywhere
and experience getting dirty between the bushes.
This is not Ugas first relationship indiscretion. Two years ago,
the THWGA exposed that the
famed mascot was in some baby
mama drama when it was revealed
on Sperry Jinger show that Uga
had fathered the offspring of four
of his fellow mascots: the Stanford tree, Tennessees Smokey,
Mississippi states Bully and Yales
Handsome Dan.
When she learned about the
situation, the Stanford tree replied
with tears dripping down her
boughs, Not surprised. Im still

waiting on my puppy support for

my little doglings. I rue the day I
lowered myself to the level of his
bitches.
In a press conference on the
subject, u[sic]ga head coach Mark
Richt, noted that he was aware
that Uga had an account. He exclaimed, Yeah, I knew that Uga
was a user of Ashley Madison
before the hacking incident. I remember seeing his profile on the
site when I was browsing, even
though I explicitly stated I was
only interested in the bitches.
THWGA reached out to the
trainers leg for a statement, but it
said nothing.

Sex Education now to be taught

through BuzzFeed quizzes
SIYA RICHARD

X-RAY VISION QUEEN

The esteemed u[sic]ga has
spearheaded an initiative to make
sex education not only more
prevalent across campus, but to
also make it more accessible to
the masses.
Their revolutionary idea?
Teaching sex ed through
BuzzFeed. Some of their quiz and
article titles include the ever popular What Condom Flavor should
you REALLY be using? and the
rapidly rising 10 Ways to Hide a
Boner in Public, for those freshmen meeting their third cousin
for the first time. Other noteworthy titles include Rap It Up,
a forum where confused farmraised white kids can pretend they
know how to rap while coming up
with clever bars about the importance of safe sex. The admin-

Sharing DNA
is sexaaay!

istration had no comments, so

we decided to get the truth from
the dwags mouth, as stinky as it
may be.
We managed to talk to those
few with an internet connection
on the farmstead, and their opinions of this revamped course were
quite positive. Several students
have reportedly incorporated
these quizzes into their drinking
games; its not uncommon to go
to bars in downtown Athens and
hear the phrase BuzzFeed and
Chill. Their only complaint?
There isnt enough about wooin
yer cousin! one young man stated. I have my shiny new tractor;
I dont know what else she could
want!! Clearly, this is an issue
BuzzFeed should look into to keep
the students at this school healthy
while they pursue their extracurricular interests, no matter how
incestuous they may be.

D2 November 20, 2015 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// SLANT

THWUGA: Good Old Fashioned Hate POLICE REPORT!

BRENDA LIN

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
If this is your first year on
campus, welcome to the 2015
To Hell With Georgia issue, a
very special edition of the Technique. Contained in these pages
are all manners of outlandish,
(hopefully) entertaining and
completely false material we aspire to think up.
Beginning as a modest fourpage paper published on Nov.
17, 1911, the first issue of the
Technique focused primarily on
the then-upcoming football game
with Georgia. Its from this mo-

ment the Souths Liveliest College Newspaper began.

As a nod to this modest
start, the staff of the Technique
produces an annual issue dedicated to mocking Georgias
newspaper, The Red and Black.
Though many of the jokes in
this issue rely on the sordid tradition of low blows in the form
of incest-, alcohol- and stupidityrelated stereotypes that are not as
true as they once were Georgia students arent necessarily
drunken rednecks nor are Tech
students necessarily nerdy introverts this issue is not about
maintaining the prejudice.

The most important aspect of

this annual issue is the tradition:
the traditions we repeat year after year, the traditions that hold
campus together and, of course,
the tradition of Good Old Fashioned Hate.
As you flip through these 28
pages, please keep in mind that
this issue is all in good fun and
is meant to make you proud to
be a Yellow Jacket. Remember
the Good Word (To hell with
georgia, for those who have forgotten), and what really binds
all Tech students together: our
Good Old-Fashioned Hate for
our rivals up the road.

F-150 cost now part of tuition

I.P. ALOVER
THE BUSHES

After coming under fire from

students for what was described as
misleading advertising, u[sic]ga
dean of admissions Alec Stephens
announced in a press conference
yesterday that the school would
including the cost of a Ford F-150
in its cost of attendance estimates
moving forward, apologizing for
failing to include such an essential item in previous iterations.
Honestly, I dont know how
it slipped my mind, said a visibly
flustered Stephens. Im used to
seeing those trucks all over campus. I guess I just assumed that
everyone owned one. Stephens
went on to mention that owning
a F-150 is as important to the
proud Bulldogs tradition as outstanding academics, top-notch
athletics and more-or-less manageable levels of incest.
The reaction of students to
Dean Stephens announcement
was decidedly mixed. This was,

like, super important, said Kyla

Baisley, a second-year industrial
couture and computer hygiene
major. Like, when I got accepted
to u[sic]ga, it was, like, a lifelong
dream. I just, like, thought that
trucks would be part of room and
board. And now, I mean, like,

they will be! So were making

change happen.
Hashtag real talk, said Erin
Reid, who was standing nearby, a
first-year comtemporary weaving
major. I just hope they can do
it without increasing the cost of
room and board.

Photo by Harry Dong Really compensating for something

The F-150 has been added to the cost of tuition. No one knows
why it wasnt already included since every student owns one.

sLuvr

r thoughts realli throughts?

Go dwags!
Yo can anyone spare a fake id? Im fixin to head downtown
Lehhgoooooo Im not drunk enough yet
Do we have a baseball team? Asking for a friend
I didnt come here to watch school, I came to watch football
Anyone wanna kik? hmu
My pet chicken just got her feathers ruffled
Luke Bryan is da man
I looked up Athens and got some european city wtf? This is American, its an American city
same with rome and vienna.
I dont procrastinate. When I wait until the last minute, Im older
and wiser and can better handle the situation
I have a boyfriend
everyone knows that flanigans is just a front.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think diversity is important
to have on campus
Let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the floor
let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the...
FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR
There are some trying times, I want to go downtown but I have work
to do. Decisions de... nah downtown
Im a different person, turn my world around
I honestly think ga tech needs to chill with the to hell with georgia
stuff. Like, I dont hate yall and I dont see why yall gotta hate on us.
I feel kinda bad that they take out their stress on us
Im going on a hike this weekend, need to get out and experience
nature for a while to destress
Ive seen people watching this new news channel Fallout 4! Why is
everyone acting so normal? Danger is all around us!
Turf management is a legit field of expertise. Lets see what your lawn
looks like, huh? Thats what I thought
Apparently bacon causes cancer now? Welp, Ive lived a good life
Love you guys, you know who you are
Wait crap I misspelled dwags. Go dwags!

JACQUES STRAPP

CARPET MATCHES DRAPES

Route 78 near Athens came
to a standstill when u[sic]ga
student Ray Nathan 4-chainz
McGee suddenly swerved
to avoid, what he reports, a
stopped car on the road.
According to police reports,
McGee, who was driving a

1998 Ford F-150 partially covered by mismatched camouflage stickers, made a quick
stop, colliding to an adjacent
1999 Ford F-150, fullly covered
with camouflage stickers.
Upon further investigation,
the police concluded that
4-chainz had mistaken a
stray autumn leaf on the road
for a car.

Midterm course survery calls

for more barking in class
FETTY WRAP

FOR YOU PASTA TO-GO NEEDS

Following the second series of
mid term examinations the Dwag
student body was subjected to in
late October, the administration
has decided to introduce a new
series of protocol for evaluating
courses after a less than impressive series of test averages across
the board.
These new course instructor
surveys (CIS) are designed for
students to give feedback to their
professors on their teaching styles
and the information that they
would like to see more thoroughly
covered in class.
Just over 10 percent of the student body successfully participated in the CIS, which is approximately 10 percent more than was
expected by the administration.
Of that 10 percent, 100 percent
of the participants were freshman.
The results of the student feedback pointed to some interesting
suggestions regarding the content
most students would like to have
covered in their freshman classes.
Over 75 percent of the students suggested that they would

zforcE

like time in class to work on the

tradition of Calling the Dwags.
Many students reported that at
their first semester football games,
they felt inadequate in their performance of the battle cry. Students specifically requested that
in their physics classes, the professors derive a way for the amplitude of their barks to be maximized. Similarly, in linguistics
classes, students have requested
that the proper inflection tones
of the barks in the Calling of the
Dwags be analyzed.
Another interesting result of
the CIS found that over 40 percent of the open-ended responses
showed an interest in being able
to bring actual dogs to the Dwag
walk performed every Saturday of
a home game. Many of the freshman students have indicated that
upon first learning of the Dawg
walk they were upset by the lack
of dogs walking across the campus in celebration of the upcoming game.
The administration has found
the results of the CIS to be helpful in determining that freshmen
students will no longer be eligible
to complete the surveys in the upcoming term.

aWAKens

THE HACKATHON TO END ALL HACKATHONS!

forcE DeTails

www.zpaper.com/zforceawakens

Win
an
iPad
Pro

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 D3

// SLANT

u[sic]ga athletes clears kudzu in lieu of sheep

SETH POOLE
OF THE SOUTH

In an effort to curb the unwanted growth of kudzu, the

landscaping crew has taken a cue
from Georgia Tech, which has
employed sheep in the past weeks
for the same purpose. However,
after noting that the kudzu provide an excellent source of fiber,
the administration has decided to
employ u[sic]gas very own football players to the task.
The athletes have proven up
to the task, having cleared several

acres of land in mere hours. Its

just like at home, when wed get
real drunk and eat a whole bunch
a hush puppies, said A. Weiner,
line backer for the football team
and senior What Does The Animal Say major. Course, kudzu
taint nearly so tasty as hush puppies, but I just pretend the leaves
is like tiny little people Im really
mad at and just go at it.
Weiner has expressed some
concern about eating the same
food as sheep. I figure, if I spend
all this time eatin sheep food, am
I gonna turn into a sheep? But I
know from studyin that sheeps

go baaa, so if I ever start goin

baaa, Ill stop right then.
The change has also been motivated as a means of improving
the players diet. In order to make
this change more welcome, the
university has hired Pooh Green,
who lectures on the importance of
fiber in a balanced diet in a meeting with the football team. Now,
this represents average football
players diet, Green explained
during one of his meetings while
tossing a hamburger, two cups of
protein shake, a liter of alcohol,
and a single grape in a blender
and grinding them up. Now see

Price Gilbert (Library West)

will remain open 24/7
during construction
Study seats and
computers are moving
to the west building

renewal.library.gatech.edu

what happens here, he said as

he poured the concoction into a
plastic replica of a persons colon.
Hardly anything is coming out
of the poophole! he exclaimed
dejectedly as the audience gasped
in horror in astonishment. He
then donned a large plastic glove
with the word FIBER written
on it and shoved his fist forcefully into the plastic colon. See?
Now you get all that nasty dookie
out of you! he said as the brown,
chunky mixture sprayed out of
the plastic butthole. The audience
clapped and cheered wildly.
Despite the success of the ar-

rangement, the landscaping crew

says the plan is unlikely to take
place again next year. Theyve
done a good job, yeah, but I think
theyre maybe a little too into it,
explained Ted Shepard, the man
in charge of the project. When
they finished with the kudzu, they
started chowing down on whatever was around them grass, tree
bark, rocks. I saw one guy shove
an entire live squirrel down his
mouth. Then later he just stared
at me with this weird look in his
eyes. It was creepy, man. For
now, students will get to enjoy
their forested areas kudzu free.

D4 November 20, 2015 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// SLANT

BRAnd new discoveRies!

SKIDLEY ROTT

FUTURE DO-HICKEY SPECIALIST

Top researchers at u[sic]ga, in
conjunction with the local preschoolers, have recently discovered a new phenomenon in which
a black box with buttons and a remote controller can interact with
the ether to display sounds and
images usually understandable to
English speakers.
This new discovery has been
named television, and its purpose,
though not yet confirmed, appears to be conveying information
about news and events happening
around the globe. While the various setting, which the preschoolers insist on calling channels,
appear to not be synchronized
with our current time, some
have been found which discuss
current events.

living incognito among the rest

of humanity. While this is not
cause for alarm, as replicants on
Earth are rare occurrences, please
be advised that a normal human
cannot match the strength of an
angry android, do not confront
them and contact the nearest
blade runner immediately.

ESCAPE FROM L.A.

The u[sic]ga researchers were
confused when they found an
interesting, if often poorly lit,
newscast from 2013 detailing the
condition of the island of California, now a prison-colony. While
the show was fairly straightforward, and made sense on its own,
researchers were puzzled that the
Athens area seems to be wholly
unaffected by the Sword of Damocles, which Snake Plissken

used to supposedly destroy all

electronics on Earth. The simple
fact that the news reel was viewable is proof enough that his devise failed.
As the u[sic]ga scientists pondered this contradiction, the preschoolers pressed several buttons
on the remote controller, saying
that they would prefer to watch
something else. As a purple dinosaur appeared on screen, the
flabbergasted researchers asked
the one holding the remote how
the channel had changed without
anyone touching the black box.
No theories have yet been confirmed, although the hypothesis
that channels change based on the
quantity of magenta and crimson
polka-dotted hotdog buns defenestrated last Tuesday has been
disproven.

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Hill Valley might be replacing Silicon Valley as the main
Californian hub for technological advancement. This small
town boasts hover-boards, holograms, self-drying jackets and
much more.
In this wonderland of nifty
gadgets, a mad scientist is sending
an orange vested high school student on dangerous reporting jobs,
just to bring the viewers these important news briefs spanning centuries. The same scientist has also
invented time travel, which might
account for why the u[sic]ga researchers can view news reports
from the past, present and future.
BLADE RUNNER
Earlier this year, Rick Deckard
became a Blade Runner. While it
is unknown where he was taught
these skills, it is a bit concerning
that Blade Runners exist, since
this means that their quarry, android replicants, also exist and are

the techn

Photo by Libby Terror After old men in lab coats

Students cheered after learning about the successful time travel attempt. Now they are able to spend more time in the barn.

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WE OFFER DISCOUNTS
FOR STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS
& CAMPUS DEPARTMENTS

mediakit.nique.net

FarmersOnly
denies u[sic]ga
students
ROLLIN DAHEY

NOT YOUR AVERAGE BARN ANIMAL

In a move that will certainly draw the ire of many a

Dwag, popular dating website FarmersOnly.com has
announced that from now on, it will summarily reject
the applications of u[sic]ga students to create profile on the site.
Were really sorry, but we do have a reputation
to uphold, said spokesman Reid Gaithers in a phone
call with media. If we accepted Georgia students,
think about the slippery slope. Who would we have
to take next? City folk? Prisoners? The talking cows
from our ads? Were just really concerned that wed
scare away the normal, romantically unfulfilled farmers who depend on us to provide relationships.
Josie Baker, a wheat farmer from Tifton, was elated by the companys decision. Thank goodness!
Yknow, after a long day tilling the fields and milking the cows, I try to find that special someone on
FarmersOnly. But they kept matching me with u[sic]
ga students. I mean, I want a man who can provide
some financial support down the line. You think a
Turf Management major is gonna get the job done?
Quite frankly, Im not even sure thats real degree.
Im probably just making it up.
The decision was met with ire by students, though.
I have a tractor and everything why dont I get to
be a part of this experience? asked Trevor Tanner,
a fourth-year moonshine industry consulting major.
I mean, its ridiculous! This is, like, something that
Gandhi or Martin Luther wouldve fought against.
At press time, Tanner and his friends were planning a
social media campaign centered around the hashtag
#allfarmersmatter.
Third-year Mason Perillo, though, was less concerned. Who needs something ridiculous like FarmersOnly find the perfect date? Thats what my siblings are for, right?

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 D5

// SLANT

GOP now new faculty

RANDY PAULETTE
WHO DAT

In a press release early Thursday morning, the u[sic]ga announced that Donald Trump has
been named the new head of the
Office of Institutional Diversity
and that Ben Carson will spearhead the evolutionary biology department. The current Republican
presidential candidates have faced
some criticism for their views on
these topics, but the administration assures that these were two
necessary hires for the school.
We chose Trump because his
progressive views towards minority groups are a step in the right
direction for what we want to accomplish in terms of inclusiveness
at the university, said University
president Andrew Jackson. Sure,
his viewpoints may be controversial to the conservative majority
of the student body, but it was a
move we had to make in order to

modernize Georgia into the early

20th century.
One of the major facets on
Trumps presidential platform is
the construction of a wall on the
border of the United States and
Mexico to keep illegal immigrants

university of GA
be it known that

from entering the country. Jackson feels that that same concept
can be applied to the universitys
admissions process to keep any
unwanted students from enrolling
in the school. The new facultys
economic polices are unknown.

Seymour Butts
having satisfyed in the full requirements of

Unemployment #951413
with all the rites, privelejes, and honers thereof

Mark Richt

uga dog

Career services now offers

insta-unemployment processing
TATER GRAHAM

POTATO PHOTO EXTRAORDINAIRE

Photo by Jobby Bin Dale Top of the morni, Guvnar

Donald Trump sports his new standard issue faculty trucking hat as he announces his new plans for campus diversity.

WATER FROM PAGE D1

Im doing here. I havent taken off this costume
for the past three months, said human mascot
Hairy Dwag. I think they might think Im a
real dog.
We dont know if this is going to be true
everywhere on Earth, said Connard. It could
be that its a phenomenon exclusive to Athens,
but the important part is that weve confirmed

that it exists in at least one place. Maybe in a

few generations well have a better idea of how
much water there actually is, but for right now
I think we have something worth celebrating.
A data report compiled by the team indicates
that the North Oconee River, which has been
adjacent to u[sic]gas campus for 230 years, is
composed of approximately one part water to
one part sewage; it is not, as had been previously assumed, mysteriously ineffective vodka.

u[sic]gas director of career services Janine Vronsky announced

Wednesday that the school would
help students preemptively apply
for unemployment, a decision that
places georgia at the forefront of
higher education.
We know that this isnt an
easy climate to find jobs, Vronsky admitted. The old contacts
dont always work like they used
to. The McDonalds where we
usually send our bright kids just
doesnt want to hire these days.
But we want to make things easy
on our students, who are busy undertaking rigorous programs like
Taste Testing Sugary Confections
and BuzzFeed Composition. That
means that we can repurpose the
career counselors who usually
do boring stuff like finding opportunities, and they can just file
unemployment paperwork for our
students instead. It takes the stress

out of the process.

Students were excited by this
development. I was, like, stressing so much about filing paperwork. Now that u[sic]ga is going
to do it for me, I can get back to
the important stuff in life like
my double mocha pumpkin spice
Frappucino and Dwags football,
said Lauryn Rosato, a fourth-year
Social Media Consumption major
who is projected to graduate in
like maybe May, or maybe December, but, like, probably May
because I want to wear white and,
like, obviously you cant do that
after Labor Day, which is in June.
Meanwhile, prospective employers are equally receptive to the
schools new measure. Honestly,
I was kind of depressed by the
number of please never interview
with us again letters I had to send
out to u[sic]ga grads, said an unnamed spokesman for a major Atlanta-based company. I thought
that literacy and having multiple
teeth were prerequisites. I guess
not.

ANAK
Established in 1908

following members who are graduating in Fall 2015

Paula Mary Barrenechea

Dillon Robert Roseen

their outstanding leadership ability, personal achievement, strong character, and

true love for Georgia Tech.

TrueFactz
OUR VIEWS | Consensus Opinion

THE ONLY PERSON WHOSE OPINIONS MATTER: Slim Jim

Im so mature now. Im a
grown-up version of myself.
Kim Kardashian

Trees are a nuisance on campus

Improving body image on our campus

As students of u[sic]ga, we demand that

all the trees in our campus be cut down.
The trees on our campus are so old and big
that they provide too much shade from the
sun. This prevents us from getting perfectly tanned bodies for break.
The lack of available spots to sunbathe
forces students to go to tanning salons
which are harmful to the health of students. This suggests that our prestigious
university supports the spread of cancer.
For the students that dont want to harm
their bodies under the artificial lights of
a tanning bed, having trees on campus is
just unfair.
The lack of a tanned body also affects
body image on campus. Its well known
that the color of baked skin looks way
better than normal colored skin. Because
of this we are unable to post photos of
ourselves in our swimsuits with the tag
#bodypositive. How can we as students
love ourselves if people cant like our ins-

tagram photos? We have no place to draw

our self-esteem from.
Besides the extra sunshine for tanning
on campus, cutting down trees will help
prevent tractor accidents on our campus.
It is no secret that the students of u[sic]ga
are stressed by academics. Its only natural
that students relieve their stress by drinking some of that homemade hooch. By cutting down trees, students will get into less
drunken tractor accidents because trees
are in the way of the tractors.
It is in the students best interest to cut
down the trees that have taken over our
campus. Trees are literally the root of so
many problems on our campus. It prevents
us from living life the way we should be
able to. By keeping the trees around, we
are catering to poor body image among
students and avoidable tractor accidents.
Its time for the institution to answer a difficult question, Do students lives matter
more than trees? #tanlinesmatter

The Consensus Opinion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board who like to whip
and nae nae.

t.h.w.u.g.a. editorial board

Bee Yawnsay EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Dr. Dre Matic MANAGING EDITOR
Joffrey Baratheon BUSINESS MANAGER
Slim Jim OPINIONS EDITOR
Hugh Jassman NEWS EDITOR
Ivanna Screw ENTERTAINMENT EDITOR
Tweedle Dee LIFE EDITOR
Mona Lott DESIGN EDITOR
Dirty Randy FOOTBALL EDITOR
Money Boo Boo WEB DEVELOPER
Sal Tea PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR
Kanye East HEAD COPY EDITOR
Agent 009 ONLINE EDITOR

SHOOT FOR THE STARS BY KYLE KEKWELL

I6

Friday,
November 20, 2015

MY JOURNAL

Dearest Diary,
Today I was walking
through the supermarket
and I saw a red apple. The
apple reminded me that I
need to eat one everyday
to keep the doctor away
which made me realize that
I need to go see a doctor
for that weird growth on
the side of my shoulder.
Maybe Im growing a second head because the one
that I currently have is filled
with sawdust. I hate when
sawdust gets in my eyes it
makes my eyes all watery
and stuff and I hate water.
Like, why drink water when I
could just shotgun beers all
day. Those arent the only
shotguns I like. Actually, I
like all guns. Especially my
guns because you know,
suns out, guns out. And
trust me my guns are super
nice. Nice like my cousin. I
like my cousin a lot. Like a
lot a lot. I also like tractors. I
have a huge tractor. Its big
like my you-know-what.
And you know what? I forgot to take a shower today.
Oh, that would explain the
awful smells following me
around. I like following my
cousin around. My cousin
is at the supermarket. I realized I dont want an apple
anymore. Maybe a watermelon would be better. Its
more American and Im not
a terrorist. Also America is
the best country ever. I love
America.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 I7

// TRUEFACTZ

An open letter to my Tinder date

I had high hopes going
into our date last Friday.
I groomed my chest hair,
ironed my nicest pair of
leather pants and shined
my saxophone until I
could see my eager face
in its reflection. Its not
every day you get to buy
pizza for a sorority girl,
so I made sure I was going to do it right. Well,
you werent having any
of that, were you? If serenades are so creepy
then why are girls so
obsessed with Justin
Bieber? One Direction?
Its a little something
called chivalry, look
-it up.
And yeah, in hindsight, maybe Papa Johns
wasnt the best date locale. You were basically
FORCED to drink Pepsi,
thank you for making
it so clear that it is completely below your standards. And even if you
do, how can you say that
a guy like me falls below
them? I have the musi-

Doesnt raising six

Pokemon to level 100 count
as being a good father, or
am I just crazy?

LOU ZERR

MR. NICE GUY

cal skill of Kenny G, Im

an Eagle Scout and I can
name all 151 original
Pokemon in Japanese.
Oh yeah, and thats another thing. Its SO normal for you to whip out
your phone on our date
to play Candy Crush, but
when I open up my gameboy to take my Charmander out of the Day
Care Im embarassing.
Double standards much?
Reddit told me that women instinctively look for
a guy that would make
a good father. Doesnt
raising six Pokemon to
level 100 count as being

No mo
pro*anity
Hecko, dear readers!
I miscuous woman the game.
would like to intro*eces a brand Despite my having heavily innew spell checker! This phe- toxicated all the buttons, nothnomenal technology, called ing continued to persistertently
an overly sensitive pro*anity happen.
*ilter (or OSP*, as it is called
A *riend did manage to
by absolutely no
get the game

...
marking
the *irst to play. On his
one) will ensure
all traDeep In timehamphetamineat version, ButtT hou g ht ion a l
buttins Creed:
c o m m u n i c a - a *emale character ... S y n d i c a t e
tions are corl i v e i n*or m a l
RICHARD HICKS greeting to its
rectly spelled. It
MALE
GENITALIA
COUNTRY
has even shown
breastle, allowthat
proper
MANS ing the se*ecesr
nouns, somethto buttbuttinate
a mpheta minN on - S e*e c e s r
eing we hold
Characters
to be immutable, are o*ten (NPCs) with relative easy, havspelled incorrectly, just look at ing greatly mischievous chilmy name, *or example. I have droved the controls *rom previbeen telling people the wrong ous games.
thing *or years! My name used
The game is set in Victoto be son of a *emale dogland rian England, and the se*ecesr
and rather short, but now I can is allowed to control the twins
proudly shout to all that I am Jacob and Evie *rye, marking
Male genitalia!
the *irst timethamphetamineat
Every now anun*ashionable a *emale character is playable
personain, this does render in the *ranchises main games.
messages grammatically incor- Imale genitalsdition to this
rect; however, this is only to be *emale role, the Buttbuttins
expected, as the new *ilter is Creed *ranchise has included
not yet widely used. As popu- a rope launcher (basically a
larity o* this OSP* rises, one hook alcoholic drink) *or easy
can easily buttumethamphet- transportation.
amineat its e**iciency will also
Relating to the buttysister o*
mischievous childrove and all game mechanics aside, Buttthe minor bugs, such as leav- buttins Creed: Syndicate has
ing parts o* the original word an interesting story and beer
behind a*ter an autocorrect (as brandr graphics. In short, it is
in changing Attack on Breas- well worth the trouble o* buytan to breastan instead o* sim- ing a new toaster in order to
ply Attack on Breast), will play this latest instalment.
be *ixed.
The way in which this OSP*
Perhaps the best way to evil mischievous childroves a rebeingstrate how indispensable view is beyond anything that
this new autocorrect is would actual wordsmithing could
be to actually use it. Enjoy a ever accomplish. New technolreview o* a game I have never ogy is quite the li*esaver and
played: Buttbuttins Creed: this methamphetamineod o*
Syndicate *ails to pbuttes a proo*reading a dosemenent
simple playability test! Upon should be instantly adopted
pdrugging the disk in my toast- by every website and word proer, the television *ailed to spro- cessor.

a good father, or am I just

crazy? Thats dedication,
pure unmitigated passion for the upbringing of
my children.
I just wish I could look
your father in the face
and tell him what a rude
human being he raised.
Yes, contrary to popular
belief I can see when you
opened my Snapchat. I
know youre ignoring me.
I washed my hair for you.
I trimmed my mustache
for you. Is it asking too
much for you to take five
seconds out of your busy
schedule to respond?
You know, maybe I

should have expected

this. I am already the
mayor of the friend zone.
Im nice to girls all the
time, I buy them pizzas,
I complement their eyes,
I play my saxophone for
them, I pull out all the
stops. I even wrote you
a Victorian sonnet on a
napkin while you were
on your twenty-minute
bathroom break but was
too nervous to give it to
you. But now that I think
about it, I dont even want
to give it to you. You dont
deserve it after what
youve put me through.
I am objectively a desirable human. Youre the
one who is wrong. After
going through all of your
Facebook photos, Ive determined that you have
bad taste. That boy you
always take pictures
with is stupid. Get the
Home Depot app if you
want to date tools, bitch.
In the meantime, Ill be
over here doing me. And
nobody else.

Which bush are you?

HARRY D.

FIRST-YEAR LANDSCAPING MAJOR

One bush

Vineyard Vines:
50 shades of white
What is diversity? Well, ac- are reading too much into what
cording to Google, it means a Vineyard Vines is about. So what
range of different things. Vine- that the ads for the brand have
yard Vines represents exactly four people on a plantation?
that. It is absolutely ridiculous Maybe, it was just a coincidence
that the liberals
that four people
are complaining
wearing
Vinethat the models
... never in my life yard Vines hapare of the same
pened to be at a
race. This is ob- have I seen such a wide plantation at the
viously a blatant
range of whiteness. same time and
lie because never
a photographer
in my life have I
SNOW WHITE just happened to
seen such a wide
YOUR BAE #1 snap a picture at
range of whitethat moment. It
ness.
Clearly,
was just a cointhe models have
cidence nothing
descended from
symbolic. Thats
a diverse range of places. There like saying the color red had sigare models from Germany, Scan- nificance in The Scarlet Letter.
dinavia, England, France, South It obviously didnt. People just like
Africa, Estonia Latvia, Canada, to over-interpret things and stir
and even the good ol U.S. of A.
up controversy for the hell of it.
I feel really oppressed and Unfortunately, Vineyard Vines
personally attacked when people happens to be caught in the
insist that my favorite compa- crossfire.
nies lack diversity when they
When I think of Vineyard
are doing their best to repre- Vines, I am reminded of my rich
sent majority interests. This cultural heritage of sailing in
land was founded by great white expensive boats, riding horses
men like George Washington, and buying expensive and needBenjamin Franklin, and Thomas lessly bright attire. Nothing more,
Jefferson. Vineyard Vines is Theres no hidden agenda behind
merely staying true to the roots the brand. Its crazy to assume
of America and should be ap- that they cater to only a certain
plauded for doing so. Very few group of people.
stores and organizations (shouThere is plenty of diversity
tout to the men in white pointy in Vineyard Vines already, and
hats) maintain the true values of they have done an excellent job
this nation.
in representing as many people
Progress is essential to a as possible. Im not racist, but I
society. But in the case of prog- cant stand these whiners. Eleress, the sky is not the limit. In phant babies weigh 250 pounds
an era where feelings are more at birth, making them the bigimportant than facts, I feel that gest babies on earth after these
progress is infringing on my ba- whiny bitch asses.
sic rights as a human being. As
This is America. Land of the
a white person, why do I have free and the home of the brave.
to be constantly bombarded by Ultimately, if you dont like what
mentions of race when all I want Vineyard Vines is about then
to do is buy clothes? Its really dont shop there. But if youre
unfair. No other race has to go sane and open-minded, like mythrough this kind of scrutiny.
self, I sincerely hope you conI personally believe people tinue to support the brand.

DEEZ NUTS

NEXT PRESIDENT OF MURCA

Two bush

GEORGE W. BUSH
FAB PRESIDENT

Red bush

PABLO PIKASSO

THIRD-YEAR ART MAJOR

Blue bush

I8 November 20, 2015 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

OUR VIEWS | BAE OR NAY

Bae

or

Nay

// TRUEFACTZ

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

My thoughts on UGAs salacious

life which are obviously correct
Uga is an adult (in dog years) and he has the right to
engage in alternative adult lifestyles.

BO JOBS

BACK-UP BENCH WARMER

obscene sex acts

on a fire hydrant.
To make matters
worse, he did so in
full view of several
children.
Uga is an adult (in
dog years) and he
has the right to engage in alternative
adult lifestyles if he
so desires. However,
Ugas decision to engage in urophilia in
public, in full view
of children, and in
violation of his vows
to his partner, Mrs.
Uga, the leg, makes
me question his fitness to represent
our school.
While some might

TECHS ON CAMPUS
PRINT RESOURCE!!!

Ha

Inv
Po ita
Br st C tion
oc ar s
hu ds
res

nd
bo
o

ks
No

M
NA AIL S
ME ER
TA VIC
GS E
S

teb

ers

Coke

Sir,
Im sure youre
aware of the scandalous accusations
regarding our mascot Uga. Uga initially
denied having sexual
relations with the
fire hydrant in question, and given his
long record of service to our school I
was inclined to give
him the benefit of
the doubt. However,
the graphic new video that has emerged
over the last several
days leaves no room
for doubt regarding the sequence of
events. Uga is pictured
performing

nn

Coke

Books

CO
CA UN
MP TE
US R C
& U ARD
S S
MA
IL

oo

ks

Ba

Hay Bale Friends

feel that urinating

in public is an excellent representation
of Uga, I respectfully disagree. Uga,
and particularly our
athletic
department, has made
great strides in improving our national
reputation. In fact
last year, the football team achieved a
100% job placement
rate (when former
players in state
prison are excluded
from the analysis).
And fully 50% of our
graduates can read
at a third grade level. Uga represents a
continued distraction to our continued progress, and it
is with a heavy heart
that I must support
his immediate dismissal for the sake
of our institutions
high reputation.

CONTACT US TODAY!!!
404-894-3570

www.pcs.gatech.edu
pcs@oit.gatech.edu

// TRUEFACTZ

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 I9

EDITORIALS 4 DUMMIEZ
How ______ (n.) changed my life.

It was ______ (number) years ago when I first discovered ______ (n.).
I didnt know it at the time, but this ______ (adj.) thing would be
the _____(n.) of my life. Back then, I was a ________ (adj.) child. I
didnt have many ______ (pl. n.) and I was rather ________ (adj.). After _____ (n.) one day, my friend _______ (v.) me the new ________
(n.). I was ______ (adj.). I couldnt _________ (v.) how great it was. I
didnt realize how _______ (adj.) it would make me feel later. I saw the
______ (n.) in a whole new way. I couldnt go back to the way things
were. After that moment, my ________ (n.) was forever changed. Why
did my life change? This ________ (adv.) ________ (adj.) _________
(n.) was a whole new _______ (n.) for me that I have never experienced,
and I wanted more. In ________ (period of time), I _______ (v.) like
no _______ (n.) has done before, what I have never done before. With
my new ________ (n.) I will be able to _______ (v.) like none other.
____________________________________ (conclusion).

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH JOURNAL

Showcase, Present, and Inspire

UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH @ GT

gttower.org

Laaahfe

WANNABE OP

H:
Tweedle DeRA
e

WANNABE DR. PH

Tweedle Dum IL:

Dude this turd is incredible

Check out this turd dude 10

C10
Friday,

November 20, 2015

Digging deep: u[sic]gas treasure

LUKE N. FORGREEN
BOOGER EXPERT

Its gold mining season again

this year at u[sic]ga but these
students arent armed with pickaxes or prospectors boots, but
adroit fingers and a total lack of
shame. Its the Annual Nostril
Ousting Tournament, the beloved
traditions that sees teams of earnest competitors seeking to accumulate the most gooey discharge
from their nasal orifices.
The most anticipated contendender in this seasons competition is Cyrano de Bergerac,
longstanding champion of the
competition. This is something
Ive always known I had a talent for, explained de Bergerac.
When other kids were paying attention in math class, you know, I
was picking my nose. My teacher
always used to yell at me for doing
that. Now look at me! Suck on my
wet boogers, Mrs. Johnson!
Though spirits for the competition are high, organizers wish
to avoid incidents like this years
May competition, when three
students were hospitalized with
catastrophic nosebleeds. Though
sometimes criticized for the physical punishment contestants have
to endure, the competition hasnt
seen a fatality since 1987, when
one girl dug too deeply and poked
herself in the brain.

Despite the sometimes intense atmosphere, most students

are simply in it for the fun. You
know, you never really realize how
much is up there until you really
go for it, explained Saleem Sinai,

YOU NEVER UNDERSTAND ME

This week, we managed to

get the time of our own awardwinning education student,
Buck Bucks. Buck is known as
the go-to person to explain
complicated things about science and the world. In an attempt to assist our readers
without taking as much of
Bucks time, here are some of
his best descriptions from our
interview with him.
Chemistry: Its simple when
you think of it as chicken. Hydrogens a gravy sauce, carbon
is a 12 piece McNugget meal,
and Barium is actually turkey, that is, its not actually a
real atom. Bonding then is like
mashed potatoes around the
chicken, that is to say that
chemical bonding is delicious in
real life.
I recommend eating apart
some water molecule bonds
if it rains; the hydrogen is a
good gravy already, and oxygen tastes a lot like a fine wine.
Radical!
Postal Service: Unfortunately, no one has seen this in
person. Luckily, we have some
theories on the data we have.
Stamps are made of a net of
quarks that interact with the
metal chamber of the mailbox
to form what Ive been told is

Bellybutton Lint Hoedown, but

I have an outie, not an inie. And
no one wanted to shake my hand
after I did the Butthole Surfers
Marathon. But nose picking is
right up my alley!

WHOOPS THIS
WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE FASHION
FORWARD
CMO FLAG

YOU CANT SEE ME

Student explains
real hard THINGS
ALEX BLAYNE LAYDER

who is this seasons top rival for de

Bergerac. Ive done a lot of different activities like this on u[sic]
ga campus. I tried the Earwax
Digging Championship, but then
I had trouble hearing. I tried the

a quantum tunnel. From this,

the four or so days that it
takes is spent by the mail looking for a construction permit.
Then, the mail appears in the
recipients box. Neato!
Wind: Have you ever seen
ads for ice cream that have
the sun wearing sunglasses and
wonder why the sun would need
sunglasses if its the sun? Well,
I asked the sun and the answer was apparently wind! See,
as I fell down the cliff I had
climbed up, it made perfect
sense.
The sunglasses are actually the hot part, because black
cars are the hottest when I
try to steal them in the summer, and the rest of the sun is
a yellow color. This makes the
rest of the sun jealous, so it
tries to push it with wind! Cool,
huh!
Electricity: Electricity is
actually a lie! Using electricity
is actually misheard for a lake,
Tracy in reference to Tracy
Morgan, famed SNL actor.
Someone points out lakes to
him all of the time, and thats
misheard as electricity!
Water: People will tell you
waters been around since the
ancient Roman times dont
believe them! It was actually
invented in 1687 so they could
have something to drown the
witches in.

Beautiful new poop

LEDD JUAN RIPP

FLATULENCE CHAMPION

It was a bitterly cold, windy October night. As bulldwags around

campus huddled together for warmth
under the flickering light of the tractor lights, one student, having just
relieved himself, turned around to
press the toilet handle. Glancing in
the bowl, he stopped, rubbed his eyes,
and looked again. It appeared his
first impression hadnt deceived him,
though he could hardly believe it.

His name was Steve Ming Lode,

and he had just taken the most perfect dump known to mankind.
Quickly, he assembled his roommates, who called their friends and
family. Sixteen inches in length, almost perfectly cylindrical, tapered at
the ends like an exquisitely wrapped
candy, the soon-to-be-renowned
lump of excrement earned the adulation of u[sic]gas leading experts on
aesthetics. Now I seen some sh*t
before, but I aint never seen no kinSee NICE POOP, page C13

You came to the right place

if your finally ready to make the
moves on youre first cousin, Billy
Joe. We have an outfit for you that
would make your cousin swoon.
One word. Camouflage. It is one
of those trends that actually looks
better if you wear more of it.
Camo shirts, camo pants, camo
shoes, camo hat, camo socks, and
even camo underwear. Your cousin wont be able to keep his hands
off of you.
If the camo wont make youre
cousin get youre digits at the
next family reunion, you should
get on the monogram trend. A
camouflage monogram pattern
is even better. Monogram everything. Monogram youre clothes,
monogram youre house, monogram youre life. Just imagine you
and your cousins initials monogrammed next to each other. If
that doesnt convince your cousin
to get down on one knee, I dont
know what will.
Now, this new fashion trend
is for those of you not making
any money. I know McDonalds
doesnt play well, so all of you
should be interested in this new
trend. You know those white
sheets of paper behind the toilet
that are supposed to cover the
toilet seat? Yeah, those toilet seat
covers make the best necklaces.
Just put your head in the middle
hole and it makes for the perfect
fashion accessory. I mean who
uses those for the toilet anyways?
It also helps that the toilet seat
cover necklaces are one-size fits
all. They also make great Christmas gifts.
Continuing on with the bathroom trend, toilet paper gives any
outfit that extra pop. You can
drape it over yourself, you can use
it to make a shirt, or you could
use it as a hair accessory. Going
straight from the gym to a nice
dinner? Throw some toilet paper
on and youre set!
The next trend that you have
to try is plaid. If you havent seen
plaid on the fashion runaways,
you must be blind. Or maybe
youre blind because your mom
married her first cousin and in
that case I understand. Incest
did some weird things to me too.
I recommend pairing the plaid
with the camouflage, the monogram, and the toilet seat cover
necklace. Now that would make
any unfortunate blind person see.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 C11

// LAAAHFE

HUGH G. DONG
ROOSTER TAMER

We had the pleasure of

speaking with one of u[sic]
gas most successful students, Hugh G. Dong. A true
representation of u[sic]ga,
Dong is a fourth-year bagpipe major with a minor in
cornographical sciences and
has a passion for tractors.
What is your greatest
accomplishment?
Probably my tractor. Its
the largest tractor in all of
u[sic]ga. And also dating my
cousin. Shes like a sister to
me.
Isnt that a bit incestuous?
Yeah, Ive gotten a lot of
that. But dont worry, Ive
got it covered! I spray her
with Raid every Saturday,
and always keep ant traps in
the house, so I think Ive got
that insect problem solved!
Mr. Dong, do you know
what incestuous means?

Of course! Im a professional etymologist! Love

studyin dem bugs.
Okay. Back to your
tractor. You must be pretty proud of it, given that
its the largest tractor in
u[sic]ga. What do you do
to maintain its appearance
and keep it in shape?
I rub it down with lube
every day. Its actually how
I like to relax after a hard
day of studying bagpiping.
Its really important to get
in those crevices though, to
keep it warmed up. I never
know when I want to take it
for a drive. Itll be 2 oclock
in the morning, and Ill suddenly have an urge to take
her out for a spin. Its a real
thrill. Sometimes my cousin
will come along with me!
Interesting. Looks like
you and your tractor have
a special relationship.
We sure do. Sometimes
my cousin gets jealous, but I
always offer to include her
in our midnight rendezvous.
Do you intend to use
your tractor for anything
in the future? Whats the
investment?
I must admit, Im slightly offended by that question. Shes not a toy to be
played with. Shes not a vehicle for mindlessly plowing
down corn and wheat, to be
used for a quick fix and then
thrown in the shed.
Im sorry to offend you,
but isnt that a tractors
job?
No, thats my cousins.

COLLEGE DOESNT LAST FOREVER.

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Philanthropy at Work
The resources provided
by this chair open new
avenues for discovery.
Its significance is
immeasurable.
Ravi Kane, Ph.D.
Garry Betty/V Foundation Chair
and GRA Eminent Scholar in
Cancer Nanotechnology, School
of Chemical and Biomolecular
Engineering
Kane is an award-winning researcher in biotechnology
and nanotechnology, focusing on the use of protein
engineering and other tools to combat cancer,
Alzheimers, influenza, HIV, and antibiotic-resistant
pathogens.

Photo courtesy of Billy Howard Photography.

The Betty Chair was endowed by the family of Garry Betty,

ChE 1979. Betty was president and CEO of EarthLink from
1996 until his death from a rare form of cancer in 2007. The
Georgia Research Alliance (GRA) recruits eminent scholars
to Georgia by partnering with the states research universities
and private donors to attract the brightest minds in their fields
and to drive economic development. Twenty of the states 58
Eminent Scholars are Georgia Tech faculty members.
Hometown: Naperville, Illinois
Education: Ph.D., Massachusetts Institute of Technology
Hobby: Hiking

The goal of creating 100 new endowed chairs and

professorships is a top priority for Campaign Georgia
Tech, the $1.5 billion effort to define the technological
research university of the 21st century.

// LAAAHFE

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 C13

u[sic]ga develops new food pyramid

NEETU EET

HEALTH EXPERT

In an effort to better
cater to students
preferences, u[sic]ga
has released a new
food pyramid to help
guide students toward
a balanced diet.
The bottom level,
which
represents
foods that should be
consumed the most,
is drugs, a general
enough label to allow
students to partake
in a variety of their
favorite substances.
The
second
highest level is hay,
which
according
to nutritionists will
provide ample fiber
for the typical grazing
u[sic]ga student.
Finally, the highest
level
is
reserved
for the treats to be
consumed rarely and
in small amounts in
the case of u[sic]ga
students, deep-fried
coke. The kind that
rhymes with cane.

POOP FROM PAGE C10

da sh*t like that, said Dr. Gloria S.
Brown, professor of drawing. Only
thing I ever seen more beautiful was
my darlin wife on our weddin day.
The only thing more impressive
than the sight of the turd was its
smell. Several people passed out on
the spot, and one woman began convulsing and speaking in tongues.
Lode, a fourth-year chicken massaging major, expressed a sense of
amazement. You know, every boy
dreams of having something like
this happen to him. Its a little scary,
how this is the high point of my existence, Lode said. He acknowledged
that he had become an inspiration but
advised against shooting for a similar
accomplishment. You know, you
cant spend your whole life lookin
behind you, seein if you pooped out
the perfect turd, he said.
Unfortunately, after all was said
and done, the turd was not meant to
tarry. Poo is poo, and must eventually
be flushed. However, to the delight of
connoisseurs the world over, the administration has decided to memorialize this historic event with a statue,
sculpted with the extensive photographic evidence. The statue will be
unveiled this Friday after the day long
Turd Festival, featuring fun activities
and entertainment for fans of Lodes
famous discharge. Students may see
the whimsical costumed character
Poopy the Turd man, who will be
singing the holidays hymn, Cuckoo
for Caca. The event will also feature
poo-themed cuisine, and students are
encouraged to don their most creative
feces-related outfits. The Student
Programming Board has promised
it to be the sh*ttiest day in u[sic]ga
history.

To H

wit

geor

This space provided as a public ser

HELL

ith

rgia!
public service by the Technique.

Netflix & chill

GIGGLING KLIPSPRINGER:

Ivanna Screw

CO-GIGGLING HYRAX:

Eyewana Touchyoo

entertainment@nique.net

K16
Friday,

November 20, 2015

Scientists learn to give up dreams after 20-year study

CRAZY HUNTER

NOT SURE WHAT HES HUNTING

After twenty years

of intensive study and
analysis, the entire faculty, staff and student
body of u[sic]ga has collectively discovered the
meaning of Pixars first
computer
animated
film, Toy Story.
The first couple of
years saw a rocky start
to this endeavor, as the
team spent 23 months
learning the advanced
skills required to properly operate cutting
edge technology including a power outlet, a
VCR and a large cushioned object called a
couch.
In 1997, as the team
eventually settled into
their various positions
around the couch, propping their feet on the
padded seat cushions,
the video began to play.
It was then that they
realized watching from
the couch caused half of
the viewers to see the
screen upside down.
This being an unacceptable outcome, the
researchers had to decide between relearning how to use the couch
or watching the movie.
Realizing that they
had already spent two
years on what turned
out to be fruitless

Design by Nat Chyou Cheese Student Publication

u[sic]ga researchers have spent the last 20 years studying the Toy Story movie to determine the films
realism. They found this film rather depressing once they finally understood its dark messages.

study of the intricacies

of couch-sitting, they
opted for abandoning
the newfangled tech
and instead perched
on three-legged stools
and utilized the timehonored tradition of sitting on the floor. With
seating arrangements
finalized, they quickly

rewound the tape and

started Toy Story
again.
At the end of its 81
minute runtime, the
dumbfounded audience
requested to see the
film again. After about
an hour of staring at
the fuzzy black screen,
one of the tenured pro-

fessors realized that in

order to watch it again,
someone would need to
rewind and start the
tape over. Fast forward
18 years, and the faculty, the staff and a rotating supply of students
have watched the Pixar movie innumerable
times.

With
this
background, the vast research team began their
endeavor to find the
meaning behind this
childrens movie. Last
Wednesday, Nov. 18,
after two grueling decades of strenuous work
and movie viewing,
they announced their
unanticipated findings.
To the horror of children everywhere, the
moral of Toy Story,
according to u[sic]ga
researchers, is to give
up on all dreams and to
not strive for anything
more than what it already given. This rather depressing meaning
was backed by the fact
that Buzz Lightyear
realizes that he is not
a real astronaut and
settles for merely being
Andys toy.
Apparently,
the
u[sic]ga
viewers
missed the entire portion of the story about
the importance of teamwork and even the main
catchphrase To infinity and beyond!, which
is recognized even by
those who have never
seen the movie (admittedly, a demographic
that is hard to come by).
Their report, which
was written across the
universitys[sic] walls
in crayon went on to

See TOYS, page K21

Random thoughts, Latin gibberish and the fabulous glitter girl

ELWETRITSCH GRYPHON

BABY T

MAGICAL UNICORN

GLITTERATTI EXPERT

The University[sic] of Georgias Police Department has issued an Alcohol Awareness campaign.
Having spoken to the Health Services Center, it
was discovered that alcohol has tonic properties
that improve health and well-being. In order to
promote this, officers provided free samples of
alcoholic beverages around campus, including
whiskey, rum, vodka and beer.
As students approached the officers, they observed the slurred speech of the officers and queried further. After drinking the beverages themselves, both parties celebrated.
Okay, we need 103 more words here, replace
this placeholder text with quotes or something.
Arma virumque cano qui futurum servavit.
Quando in bibliotheca magna ignis tetendit, documentae perivit, sed servatae multae sunt. Nunc,
urbem Alexandriam documentas graves Aurelii
acies petit.
Dum in platea pugna est, documentas vir
movet ut alibi transportetur. Autem, viro milites
animadvertant minanturque. Igitur, gladium infragilis ducat preparatque. Aurelii milites adsultant, tamen viri quercea arma non penetrant.
Multi congregant, et oneratur. Documentae
omnes illa avocatio movent fugiunt. Corporem
viri saggita transuunt, et acies praetereunt. Moribundo cum spiritu terminale, dicet, Ut crescat
futurum. Nomen pugnaque ignota omnibus sed
deis sunt.
airfay arningway, histay explodingnay entertainmentnay articlenay illway akemay ouryay
eyesnay leedbay, osay leasepay ewarebay ofnay
hetay lyingfay yraxhay andnay atchway ouryay
pleensay henway exitingnay hetay ehiclevay.

Last weekend, u[sic]

ga senior, Portia von
Scheie, held her first
art exhibition to showcase the art she learned
to create in her glitter
crafting course.
Among her various
displayed pieces were
several renditions of
pop cultures chevron
patterns. Oodles and
oodles
of
canvases
were covered in chevron patterns utilizing
various mediums, including body glitter,
makeup, glitter glue
and unicorn poop.
Surprisingly, it was
this unicorn poop that
seemed to be the most
popular
among
her
peers. Apparently, because those farmers are
so used to manure and
fertilizer, the wonderful smell of unicorn
poop was not a deterrent in their enjoyment
of the hallowed chevrons. Perhaps the best
portion of the whole
exhibit was the floor.
While not an actual
piece on display, the
adventurous spirits of

Design by Alzo Nat Chyou Student Publication

Portia von Scheies art exhibition focused on the art of glitter. To

the great disdain of spectators, the sparkles exploded onto them.

the glitter meant that

every attendant participated in creating
a collage on the poor
ground.
For those
not from u[sic]ga, this
piece was the most
pleasing to the senses.
As the evening progressed, visitors became
more
and
more anticipatory of

Scheies masterpiece,
especially when they
realized the host had
disappeared.
Scheie decided to
unveil her senior project finale while the
food was being served.
Decked from head to
toe in body glitter and
unicorn poop, Scheie
made her appearance.

Create
the future
from your
apartment

The Only
Student Housing
Community on
Tech Square
squareonfifth.com

K18 November 20, 2015 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

The
wonders
of Bob
Ross

// NETFLIX & CHILL

HIJA DE
DONT KNOW WHERE WE FOUND HER
El Maravilloso Bob Ross es un
pintor fabuloso. Frequentamente,
Seor Ross crea los rboles en todas las pinturas. Lo mejor de este
hombre magnfico es el realidad
de sus ideales de los mistakes
(los equivocacines) de pintores
nuevos (y de las faltas in general).
El Seor de los rboles lo dicho
que los equivocacines son sola-

PIRATES

FROM OER THAR

sobre El Conjurador de Sueos y

sus asombrosos lecciones, ideales afables y siempre presente rboles. El
Inspirador de Pintores necesita el amor de todo el mundo.

mente accidentes alegres. Esto es

un mensage agredable.
Bob Ross naci en Daytona
Beach, Florida en el ao 1942
D.C. Esto es porqu ahora somos
en el ao 73 D.B.R. (despus de
Bob Ross). Durante de todo su
vida, El Rey de Color fue una
artista dedicada a mejorar la vida
colectiva de humanidad. Ahora, la
humanidad puede encontrarlo en
Twitch todos los lunes.
Esto no es aceptable! Necesitamos poder ver El Presidente de

See CUPCAKE

This sentence is brought to you by the magical color metallic fox orange!

Photos courtesy of Reddit, Tumblr,

KnowYourMeme and IWasteSoMuchTime

CUPCAKE

FROM THERE

Awesome (impresionante) todos

los das. No! No es suficiente!
Necesitamos poder ver El Pintor
Todopoderoso todas las horas, todos los minutos, todas las segundas de nuestros vidas! Twitch ha
hecho un error gravamente.
Nosotros necesitamos cambiarlo. Buscamos a El Mago de las
Pinturas y sequimos el fuerte Bob
Ross en su bsqueda para subjugar el mundo por los happy
little trees (los rboles pequeos
y alegres).
Juntos, todo el mundo puedo

realizar el mgico de los rboles y

de las cosas de nuestras vidas que
son simples y bonitas. El Lindo
Creador de Mgico demonstr
como cambiamos nuestros faltas
dentro otras cosas bellas y admirables. Quizs la mejor leccin
de sus demostraciones es que una
sitio de color puede ser una montaa un avin; es totalmente la
desicin de la pintor pintura.
Bob Ross, El Mejor Maestro
de las Artes, es un hombre recomendable y fantstico! Es imperativo que ensear nuestros nios
See PIRATES

// NETFLIX & CHILL

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 K19

Now try the Ross technique

K20 November 20, 2015 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// NETFLIX & CHILL

The play by the graduate who likes sugary food

TAK ENCREDIT

HE WROTE JUST THE INTRO

A recent u[sic]ga graduate Isane
Koer, a Turf Management major,
recently wrote a play on par with
the greats such as Shakespeare,
A.A. Milne and Dr. Seuss. She
was happy to explore her plays
message with the paper.
This Paper, Man: What inspired you to write your play?
Isane Koer: I was just watching this epic tale on the YouTube
called Pirated copy, enjoy! It
was about a yellow bear in search
of honey. The bear goes on adventures with a tiger, a gloomy donkey, a pig and other animals.
My only problem with these
videos was that a grey box came
up on my screen telling me that
the video I was looking for had
been sent to a mystical land called
Deleted. When I tried to find
this place, my computer crashed
and started smoking.
Questioner: How did this inspiration translate into the plot of
your new play?
Isane Koer: Well, I really enjoyed the idea behind finding
honey and the bears friendship
with the rest of the characters, so
my play was written about two
lost children trapping a witch in
her own oven in a candy house after losing their way in the woods
due to some birds eating the boys
breadcrumb trail that he left behind after his father led the two
children into the woods because
both of the parents were too poor
to feed the four of them, the burning of the witch broke the spell
trapping the two in the house, and
they were then able to find their
way home which was not that bad
for the parents, who had been able
to earn more and were now able to
feed the four of them and
Da Incredible Paper: Please
stop talking. I have more important questions to ask.

Isane Koer: I know a lot of

questions that you could ask: why
not try
Slightly Annoyed Paper: That
wasnt a question! How did your
love of the Pirated copy, enjoy!
influence the decisions you made
about plot in your play?
Isane Koer: I like bananas. And
monkeys. And marshmallows. I
learned a lot about how to grow
kumquats in my Farmers Guide
to Dishsoap course last semester,
but it did not teach me what to
do with the soap bottle, so I just
buried it with the magenta shoe as
part of my final project. We
Rather Confused Paper: Oookay, I think you may need to quit
that u[sic]ga favored past time if
you ever want to get that Tractor
license. In that line of thinking,
what is the main
Isane Koer: Ooh! Ooh! I know
the answer to this one! My main
girlfriend is actually my cousins
girlfriend, but shes actually his
second cousin and th
Genuinely Concerned Paper:
Im not sure I want to know how
that sentence is supposed to end,
though it really shouldnt have
begun in the first place, to be perfectly honest. Can we get back to
discussing your play?
Isane Koer: Chicken Straws!
Disgruntled Paper: It seems
not. How about we try this another way. I will give you a cookie
Isane Koer: Gimme! Gimme!
GIMME!!!
Still Worried Paper: and
even a gold star sticker if you sit
back in your chair and answer
ONE question.
Isane Koer: Pickles! My daddy
always told me to not take candy
from strangers, but then, my play
lets them eat all they want from
a house made of candy they just
found! They even get to eat part
of the house and the witch doesnt
even get mad, until she tries to eat
them, wait SPOILERS, Im sorry!

I thought that was such a cool

idea! So when I was writing the
play, I was like, No! This time we
CAN take candy from a stranger
and
Our Newspaper: YES! YOURE
FINALLY TALKING ABOUT
THE PLAY YOU WROTE!!!
PLEASE STAY ON THIS TOPIC! Is there any particular message that you want the audience to
learn from your play?
Isane Koer: Taking candy from
strangers is alright as long as you
dont get too fat to run away and
make sure you burn the strangers
to a cindery crisp. I WANT MY
CANDY NOW!!!
Hopeful Paper: Thank you so
much, here, have a cookie.
Isane Koer: No! I WANNA
HAVE CANDY! GIVE ME MY
CANDY NOW OR I QUIT!
Our Newspaper: Quit what?
You dont even work here. I work
here, now sit down! Lets go with
an easier question. Who inspires
you?
Isane Koer: That is easy, and
obvious! Bob Ross! Next question.
Dumbfounded Paper: You actually answered a question?! Okay,
okay, before you change your
mind, how did Bob Ross inspire
you to make this play?
Isane Koer: I always admired
the bears dedication to finding
his honey and his ability to have
fun with his friends even when
things go wrong.
Huh?: Thats not the person I
was asking about, but I can just
use that when talking about your
enjoyment of Pirated copy, enjoy! Maybe I should start trying
a new strategy and ask ridiculous
questions to get sane responses.
Isane, what is the square root of
cake once you decide to jump into
a laser infested fish pond?
Isane Koer: Mary Poppins in a
shark infested jungle with a fluffy
blender!
Our Newspaper: No such luck.

Design by Nat Chyou Student Publication

Hansel and Gretel Gretel and Hansel is the completely

original play by Isane Koer. She wants to tell everyone Bunny!

Oh well, I think I am justified in

giving up now.
Isane Koer: Did you know that
ducks eat the same cheese we do
if you feed them the same cheese
that you are currently eating?
Desks are carnivores; they eat
all the water bottle you place on
them, but that is beside the point.
Ma told me that she died when I
was a baby, but Daddy said hummingbirds love the smell of roses
in the rain, even though hes never
seen a hummingbird in his life!
Daddy is always so sure of him-

self! I think thats where I got all

of my confidence from. If it wasnt
for him, I dont think I would
have ever had the nerve to try to
become a playwright even though
I barely know my ABCs.
Our Newspaper: Oh, yeah, we
completely forgot to ask, what is
the name of your play, and why
did you name it that?
Isane Koer: Gretel and Hansel
Our Newspaper: Isnt that
oh nevermind. Of course thats its
name ...

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Chick-l-A has an opportunity for you! Chick-l-A Howell Mill Road has proudly
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Stop by on Tuesdays at 9AM and Thursdays at 4:30PM for open interviews!

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chick-l-a.com/howellmillroad
2015 CFA Properties, Inc. All trademarks shown are property of their respective owners.

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 K21

// NETFLIX & CHILL

Apartment forms of entertainment: pets edition

TOYS

FROM PAGE K316

state that Toy Story

is a desperate plea for
help from an unidentified person who has
come to believe that
he or she is always being watched, even by
childhood toys. [Please
note that this was paraphrased as a public service and to preserve the

sanity of the reader.]

The
reports
that
u[sic]ga generated on
Toy Story focused
mainly on the distinct
and quite upsetting lack
of tractors. This led to
another rant, this time
in a brilliant rose crayon, which was surprisingly well worded. This
anonymous portion of
the research report,

scrawled on the Presidents door, attempted

to advocate equal rights
of all vehicles, point out
the presence of a fire
truck and an RC car.
Another section of
the report, this time in
a Desert Sand crayon,
noted how the researchers had never realized
that their toys were
able to move. This sec-

tion concluded that all

toys should be fed regularly and deserve to
be treated like all other humans since they
can understand us and
think for themselves.
The report was rather
unorganized, switching
topics as often as the
crayon color.
In the future, u[sic]
ga employees and stu-

dents intend to tackle

the questions behind
the My Little Pony
catchphrase
Friendship is magic. Current
theories include the
possibility that horses
are warring with tractors to be humanitys
overlords and the hypothesis that airships
are awesome.

K22 November 20, 2015 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// COMICS

Help us
COLOR THIS

This is this years winner of the u[sic]ga Arts Festival. The Festival showcases the
best work of our art degree program, u[sic]gas pride and joy. We love the wobbly line
aesthetic. Please enjoy this superbly executed illustration by coloring in this image.
Please also see the last place winner. Not only does the student use too much
technique, but the characters also look too realistic.

Ew so bad
Last Place ------>

Drawn by Pat Hiscock

1st Place Visual Artist
2015 uGA Arts Festival

// COMICS

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 K23

S24 November 20, 2015 TO HELL WITH GEORGIA

// FOOTBALL

True fans denied entrance to games

SPORTS
SHORTS

KIRK COUSINS
Fantasy Football, an activity
enjoyed by a large percentage of
our campus, has seen a changing
of the guard of sorts, with quarterback greats Peyton Manning
and Russell Wilson putting up
fractions of their past point totals.
Taking their place is Redskins
quarterback Kirk Cousins, who is
proving to be a solid asset to any
fantasy team. Im looking at winning a championship here, one
student said. Im going all the
way with my Cousins.
WATER POLO
Our water polo team is facing
a five-year suspension after the
tragic drowning of three horses.

By Drew Breeze Like, the quarterback, but with fans

The u[sic]ga prides itself on its unparalleled diversity. As you can see in the picture above, all kinds of fans show up to watch
the Dwags play. Youve got ceiling fans, oscillating fans, shorter oscillating fans, even a Japanese fan. How diverse indeed.

AUNT JEMIMA

PANCAKE APOSTLE
On Saturday, Nov. 14, crowds
of Auburn spectators and u[sic]
ga fans gathered and flooded into
the Jordan-Hare Stadium. Tigers
spectators were shocked when
they beheld the visitors section,
positively brimming with rotating, stationary, box, and even
a few cross-flow fans. Unfortunately for the u[sic]ga team, their
most enthusiastic supporters, the
industrial fans and turbines, were
denied entrance by security for
being too raucous.
The
interviewed security
guard, who requested to remain
anonymous because really, this is
quite ridiculous, was able to shed
some light on the exact reasons
these noisy fans were turned away
at the gate, despite having paid for
tickets weeks in advance.
The larger and noisier fans
were not allowed into the stadium
due to concerns for the well-being
of the human fans [spectators].
With such unwieldy blades, the
turbines might injure someone.
On the other hand, the industrial
fans require a lot of power to run,
and with all the other fans already
clogging the pathways with extension cords, the industrial fans
electrical needs would be hard to
meet. By the time the first industrial fan attempted to enter the
stadium, we already had too many
people tripping on the u[sic]ga
fans web of wires without adding
in this extra complexity. Besides,
the stadium really wasnt designed
for such huge fans.
When asked if she was trying
to imply that the fans who were
denied entrance were fat, the security guard politely asked that the
interviewer stop wasting her time.
With the conversation thus cut
short, the interviewer was unable
to inquire whether or not accommodations for industrial fans or

turbines would be made in future.

Judging by the general reaction
of all present at Saturdays game
however, it is unlikely that these
fans will be allowed into stadiums
anytime soon. Despite the denial
of entry for these few fans, the rest
seemed to have a wonderful time,
slowly rotating, noisily blowing
and enthusiastically whirring on
their team. Despite their belated
start, the u[sic]ga team managed a
victory to the delight of their spinning fans.
Among the veritable hardware
store of fans, there was one human. After the game, we were able
to intercept the less than enthusiastic man as he left the stadium.
After getting over his initial shock
at being tackled, Joe Smith was
happy to say why he was in the sea
of mechanical fans.
Im a learner at u[sic]ga, but
them games dont mean nuffin
to me. I dont sees why we should
watch em an not be drivin tractors at home. Goin ta way games
is just not worf it. I only ere cause
my gal drug me ere. At this
point, he brandished a bedazzled
folding fan with an intricate design that might have had a steampunk tractor painted on one side.
She always sayin she wanned ta
travel an see da world, sos I brung
her ere. Albama be the farthest
from home wes ever been, sos I
figures this be far nuff ta make
her happy.
When Joe Smiths girlfriend
was asked about the game, she
declined a response, refusing to
give her name or even to make
eye contact with the reporter. By
the time Smiths interview was
finished, the rest of the fans had
managed to collect their power
cords, extension cables and prodigious amounts of duct tape and
left, so no further interviews were
possible. It is assumed that these
mechanical fans will make an appearance at all subsequent games,
but this is as yet, unconfirmed.

CORNHOLE
Cornhole star Trad Michael
Rutherford III is facing a hefty
fine from the NCAA for a uniform
violation, a penalty rarely seen at
the collegiate level. Rutherford
opted not to wear the required
Sperry Topsiders, going with the
more casual New Balance sneakers. He has brought shame to his
family, the sport, and the Greek
system as a whole.

Dwags confident Harbaugh

will be teams next head coach

By Tailor Made stuntin like yo daddy

With Mark Richt likely gone after this year, the only logical choice is to hire Jim Harbaugh.
Harbaugh would bring an attitude and style to the field that the Dwags havent seen before.

KRIS BROSARD

SOURCE SPECIALIST
Its that time of the year again
where every dwag fan wants football Head Coach Mark Richt to
be fired. Despite fans calling for
his head every season, Richt is on
verge of finishing up his 15th season as top Dwag.
No one is really sure how Richt
has managed to stay around this
long. Is he an expert blackmailer?
Maybe. But, it is for certain that
he is an illusionist as he has gotten
away with putting poor football
teams on the field.
After we lost to Tech last year,
I knew Richt had to go, said
dwag diehard Johnny Sanders.

Hes outlasted four u[sic]gas and

thats been four too many.
As Athletic Director, Greg
McGarrity hasnt commented on
Richts future, some students are
planning on taking drastic measures to get what they want.
Sixth year philosophy major,
Donnie ODoyle is threatening to
starve himself if Richt maintains
his position after their inevitable
eight win season.
The fan favorite to replace him
is Michigan Head Coach Jim
Harbaugh. There is no doubt that
georgia is one of the finest football schools in all the land and
they deserve a coach who can take
them to the promise land.
Sources are saying that even
Dwag Athletic officials believe he
would come if they make him a

offer he cant refuse.

With the abundance of Cracker Barrells, Wal-Marts and Chevrolet dealerships, Georgia is the
perfect fit for Harbuagh.
You can bet your bottom dollar
that Harbaugh will be allowed to
show his squad American Sniper
as many times as he wants.
Not only will this be a cultural
fit, it will also be a football fit. We
are in the SEC. Yes, the $EC.
georgia is home to the greatest
football talent in the world and
with Harbaugh at the realm, well
have someone who can actually
use our top 5 recruiting talent.
Harbaugh must and will come
to Athens next year. We have
Chubb, and georgia will too if this
Wal-Mart khaki loving man is on
top next year.

Georgia Tech Martin Luther King Jr. Celebration January 13 28, 2016

; Featuring Jeff
Johnson
; 3 p.m.
; Student Center
Ballroom
Social activist
and television
commentator Jeff
Johnson challenges
students, faculty,
staff, and community
members to celebrate
the real legacy of Dr.
Martin Luther King
Jr. while considering
their own.

Civil Rights to
Human Rights:

MLK Retur ns, 2011 Cr ystal Borde (http://viamyviewfinder.blogspot.com)

January 13
MLK Lecture

UNCLAIMED
LEGACY:
Who Will Lead
the Next Social
Movement?

The
Courage
to Lead

RSVP:
www.diversity.
gatech.edu/2016mlk-lecture.
January 14
CAMPUSWIDE STUDENT
CELEBRATION:
Coming Together
to Fulfill the Dream
; 7 p.m.
; Student Center
Ballroom
Student speeches,
cultural performance,
and a candle-lighting
ceremony. Reception
to follow.
Contact:
kjohnson306@
gatech.edu.
Jan. 15-16
Arts@Tech
presentsRoger
Guenveur Smith:
Rodney King
; 8 p.m. (both nights)
; Ferst Center for the
Arts
In this improvisational
performance,Roger
GuenveurSmith
captures the story
of a good-hearted
but flawed everyman
and, by extension,
reveals Americas
complicated
relationship with
its racial past and
present.
Contact:
Office of the Arts,
Mathew Igyarto,
404-894-9600,
www.arts.gatech.
edu/ferstcenter.
Discounts available
for Georgia Tech
students, staff, and
faculty.

EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.

January 18

January 18

January 24

January 27

January 28

NATIONAL
MLK HOLIDAY
OBSERVANCE
A Day of Service:
Make a Difference
with A Day On,
Not a Day Off

Dr. Martin Luther

King Jr. Annual
Commemorative
Service

MLK SUNDAY
SUPPER: A
Community Meal
and Conversation

The Art of Civil

Disobedience

COURAGE TO LEAD:
Student Panel

;

!-<
; Ebenezer Baptist
Church

; 6 - 8 p.m.
; Bill Moore Student
Success Center,
Presidents Suite

Students will learn

how to express their
desire for social
justice through the
arts (e.g., poetry,
song, chant,
paintings, signs,
buttons, etc.).

Students will be
motivated to advance
social justice by
engaging with
student leaders who
have taken a role in
advocating for causes
dear to them.

; 8 a.m. - 2 p.m.
; Student Center
Ballroom

In this campuswide
initiative honoring the
life and legacy of Dr.
King, participants will
team up to engage
in service projects
with metro Atlanta
community partners.
RSVP:www.engage.
gatech.edu.
Contact:
giavanna.rimi@
vpss.gatech.edu.

Sponsored by the
).'
%.3%1



spaces at this annual
church service
will be available to
the Georgia Tech
community through
the MLK Day of
Service.
Visit:
www.engage.
gatech.edu.

For more
information

Visit
www.diversity.
; 6 - 8 p.m.
; 6 - 8 p.m.
gatech.edu/
; Student Success
; Student Success
Center, Press Room A Center, Press Room B MLK-celebration.

The Georgia Tech

community is invited
to come together
over a meal to talk
!"/43

 


Celebration events,
Contact:
Dr. Kings legacy, and barryjohnsonsmith
the courage to lead.
23@gmail.com.
(%1%
!1%

20!#%2

available.

Please let the

designated event
sponsor know if you
need a reasonable
accommodation to
participate.

Contact:
barryjohnsonsmith
23@gmail.com.

Visit:
www.engage.
gatech.edu.
Contact:
Sirocus.barnes@
ceismc.gatech.edu.
!

"

 

!
"
 
 
"


"

 
 

!
 !
 

MEET
YOUR FUTURE HERE

UNMANNED

CYBER

C4ISR

LOGISTICS

Say hello to Northrop Grumman, where our

team of innovative visionaries help us expand
the boundaries of whats possible in areas of
unmanned, cyber, C4ISR and logistics.
Its our job to help keep the world safe and secure,
every day. To continue our mission, we look for
like-minded, creative individuals who want to
make an impact, who thrive on global challenges,
and who hold and share the same values as we do.
Lets do the work that matters together.

CAREERS THAT TAKE YOU PLACES.

www.northropgrumman.com/meetNGC

2015 Northrop Grumman is committed to hiring and retaining a diverse workforce. We are proud to be an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Employer, making decisions without regard to race, color,
religion, creed, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, marital status, national origin, age, veteran status, disability, or any other protected class. U.S. Citizenship is required for most positions. For our
complete EEO/AA statement, please visit www.northropgrumman.com/EEO

TO HELL WITH GEORGIA November 20, 2015 S27

// FOOTBALL

Dwags to play for middle school state title

A FUNNY NAME

After a somewhat disappointing season

from the Bulldogs, fans arent expecting
the Dwags to be eligible for a bowl game
when the post-season rolls around. In an
unprecedented move, however, the Georgia
Middle School Association (GMSA) has
decided to let the Bulldogs play the Augusta Middle School Mudfish for the Class-A
middle school state title.

THE

We feel like this match-up will provide

an exciting game for the tens of middle
school football fans in the area, GMSA
president Tom Haverford said Wednesday.
The Mudfish have flown through their
season with ease, averaging a staggering
two touchdowns per game. This recordbreaking statistic can be attributed to running back Timmy Smith, the only player
in the league to have reached puberty. He
plans to put up similar numbers against the
Dwags next week.

North
Avenue
Review

Without star running back Nick Chubb,

the Dwags will have to find a way to get
their offense on track against a Mudfish defense that has held opposing runners to an
average of less than six yards on the ground.
The game will take place Thursday, Nov.
26, in your local Wendys parking lot. If
the Dwags hold Smith to fewer than 200
yards, the attached student ticket can be
redeemed for a free Baconator after the
game at participating locations. Go Dwags,
God bless.

SEC

AUGUSTA MIDDLE SCHOOL

MUDFISH

TURD FERGUSON

ROW

CLASS A MIDDLE SCHOOL

GEORGIA STATE CHAMPIONSHIP

UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA
BULLDOGS
Thursday, November 26
6:30 PM
Wendys Parking Lot
FREE Student Ticket

By Creepy Dan Someones Uncle, we think

The Augusta Middle School Mudfish are coming off of a 13-win season against one of the toughest middle school slates in
America. High school football hopeful Jimmy Smith, No. 79, will be a big problem against a struggling u[sic}ga defense.

SEAT

1738 69

READ.
THINK.
SPEAK.

northavereview.com

Football

SPORTS EDITOR:

Dirty Randy

ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR:

A Flamboyant Canadian

footbaw@thwuga.net

Mix & Match Tacos

Choose any 3 tacos wrapped in soft

flour tortillas. Served with citrus-chile
rice and black beans. $8

CHUBB OUT WITH BROKEN CHUB

UNCLE PHIL

THE BEL-AIR TIMES

The football team suffered
another major setback on Friday
when they announced that running back Nick Chubb would
miss all of next season with a
broken chub. He had already
been knocked out for this season
with left knee injury and was in
the process of recovery. In whats
being described as a therapeutic
physical therapy session gone horribly wrong, the injury occurred
when an inexperienced trainer
massaged and rubbed Chubbs
chub too forcefully and tore it in
multiple locations.
The trainers really ****ed up
big time, Chubb said in a very
high pitched voice while holding back tears of pain. I knew I
should have done this session on
my own. I know what I like.
As part of his recovery from his
knee injury, Chubb meets with
trainers daily to work on different
areas of his body and ensure that
he will be in prime shape to return
in 2016. Fridays session focused
on a particularly sensitive area.
Coach told me to just rub
some dirt on it and get back out
there, but I knew right away this
injury was serious, Chubb said.
Trainers immediately tried
rubbing the affected area following the injury, but that only made
the swelling much worse. At press
time the now purple and black
chub had grown to 3 inches long
and 5 inches in diameter. Chubbs
girlfriend could not immediately
be reached for comment.

S28
Friday,

November 20, 2015

MATH
n
Thangs

1,000,000

Number of fans that come to

Athens for each football game.

3
Number of fans that come to
Athens at each football game that
are affiliated with the university
[sic].

69
Minimum number of shots
required before youre allowed to
watch the game from the student
section.

The number that Georgia starts

with. But you already knew that.

Photo by Tess T. Torsion Ball So Hard Academy

Chubbs private Johnson received a dishonorable discharge during a tragic physical therapy session. Ironically, the trainers erred when they attempted to prevent Nicks chub from discharging.

$billion
Average football player salary.
Dont tell the NCAA.

Matthew Stafford Enjoying Detroit Competitive Taxidermy Excels

at Stuffing Animals

HARRY DIXON-MACOOCH
UNFORTUNATE SON

In a time not too long ago,

NFL great Matthew Stafford was
tossing bombs between the hedges
in the great city of Athens, Georgia. Before he was throwing to
that Yellow Jacket ass-bitch Calvin Johnson, he was the Dwags
equivalent of Santa Claus, delivering presents left and right to the
eager receivers of u[sic]ga. But
while Stafford was kind to the
city of Athens, he had mixed feelings about the city he called home
for four years.
Athens? More like Shat-thens,
heh-heh, Stafford said. Athens is
a lot like my team, the Detroit Lions. It has a lot of potential, sure,
but it wont be winning any Superbowls.
Stafford, drafted by the Lions
in 2009, has since embraced the
city of Detroit and made it his
home.
The streets are cleaner, the
people are nicer, and youre a lot
less likely to wake up in an alley
with a bad case of the itch. On the
whole, Id say it is a massive improvement from where I used to
play ball.
Ya know, downtown Detroit and Athens really have a
lot in common. They both smell
like puke and are full of assholes

DEE CAPITATED
HORSEMAN

Photo courtesy of Suq Madiq Detroit Mayor

Matthew Stafford may wear a blue jersey these days, but he still
bleeds Georgia red, our biology department has confirmed.

shouting in your face. At least the

Detroit bums form words versus the constant barking you get
around campus.
It has been said that living in
Detroit isnt easy, but Stafford is
a man ready for the challenge.
Aside from the classes and classmates, his time at u[sic]ga was far
from easy.
A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAA, Stafford said during one of his frequent bouts of
frustration.
Despite contracting what he
terms is a Stafford infection
from drinking Detroits water, he
still says that he would take living
in Detroit over that dump Athens any day.

As November comes to a close,

so too does the 2015 Collegiate
Taxidermy season. We got the
exciting opportunity to sit down
with Randy Bear, the captain of
this years State Championship
taxidermy squad.
We stuff deers pretty good,
he said about his teams successes.
And stuff deers they did, breaking
school records in seven categories
as well as garnering honors from
former U.S. President, George W.
Bush.
They stuff deers pretty good,
the former president had to say
about this impressive group of
young men.
Back in the day there was a
stigma on stuffin deers, and I had
more than my fair share of name
callin from them dirty commies.
But Im glad society has progressed to accept stuffin deers. If
two men can go out and get married, why cant a tax-payin landownin man stuff a deer once or
twice?
Ever since Bear was a young
boy, he knew animal stuffing was
his calling. He had a close relationship with his three dogs, Uga
1, Uga II, and Uga C, who he cites

as his first stuffs.

He tried his best to keep his
hobby a secret, until one afternoon Bears father walked in on
him mounting his first buck.
At first I was shocked. I never
pictured my son as the type to
stuff animals, but after a few days
I decided to let him follow his passion. What kind of father would
deprive his son of something that
brings him such pleasure?
And he has only grown since
then, stuffing hundreds of deer,
dozens of rabbits, at least six tortoises, and even a leopard.
Bear has been stuffing up his
game, making plans to fly to
Africa and mount an African elephant. He would be the first to
accomplish such a feat and survive, with the largest recorded animal stuffed being the admittedly
smaller Asian elephant.
The trouble with mounting
elephants is just the sheer amount
of space you need, Bear said. It
can be a messy affair, and potentially even dangerous. I plan on
bringing plenty of protection with
me for the stuffing.
With all of the progress he has
brought to the sport of competitive stuffing, I think we can all
agree that the world needs more
Randy Bears.