Brooke Erickson

COMM 2110
Personal Change Project
Date: November 29, 2015
This paper outlines my personal change project. My goal was to be more assertive when
articulating my views, feelings, wants, needs, and requests. By increasing my level of
assertiveness I will have healthier, happier, and more honest interpersonal relationships. Through
this project I became more aware of my ineffective communication style and the negative effects
of it. I researched and verbally practiced assertive statements. I then slowly put myself in mild
then moderate tense situations where I need to assert myself. I have noticed that I feel more
confident in my ability to control the things in my life. I still have work to do; I plan to visualize
myself being assertive in tense situations with positive results. I will continue to practice my
strategies until I am comfortable in high-risk situations.
Unwanted Communication Pattern
My communication habit (being passive, sometimes passive-aggressive) is inefficient
because it is holding me back from having the ability to stand up for myself, communicate my
wants and needs, express how I feel, and state my thoughts and opinions. Im at the point that I
dont obtain certain things because I cant build up the confidence to ask for them. I deal with
things that Im not okay with because I get apprehensive about displeasing others or causing
conflict.
Here are two examples:

I am on a student government scholarship here at Salt Lake Community College (SLCC).

They typically expect you to stay on student government for the full academic year. I
have finished my associates and I decided to not stay at SLCC for the spring semester. I
know of people who have left halfway through the year and I know its something they
will work with you and understand. However, I was very nervous to speak to my advisor
about it and tell her the bad news. Being passive, I avoided the situation for a good
amount of time. One day, my advisor approached me telling me that she had heard from
another member on student government. She didnt seem too upset, but I know that she
would have liked it if I had went to her directly when I knew. Im mad at myself for
procrastinating and clearly avoiding the situation.
I work at a nutrition shop. We sell supplements directed towards health and fitness. Part
of the job is making protein shakes and pre-workouts, which requires a kitchen area.
Some mornings when I came in to open the store would not be cleaned or stocked
satisfactory. Im a super clean person and would get irritated to come in and have to
spend extra time stocking and cleaning the store, essentially doing the closing shifts job.
After a few mornings of this happening I wanted to calmly assert how he is not meeting
the requirements for the closing shifts duties and how it was affecting me. I told myself
that I would do it, but when it came time to do so I got nervous and didnt say anything. I
was disappointed in myself for not following through.

Strategies
There are different types of assertive messages. Which type of assertion you use depends
of whether your motivation is to: maintain the relationship with the other person, achieve your
objective, or maintain your self-respect. As I extensively researched and read through different
types of assertions I figured out what specific strategies I wanted to learn, practice, and apply.
I decided to work on my:
Body Language
Basic Assertions (I Feel Statements, I Want/I Need Statements)
Empathic Assertions (Emotions in Check)
I Language Assertions (Avoiding You Statements)
Confrontive Assertions (Constructive Criticism)
One of the most important strategies I used while trying to be more assertive was
practicing verbalizing assertive statements (Beebe, 2008, p. 183). For each of these assertion
styles I found applicable assertive phrases and verbally practiced them before implementation.
By memorizing some polite yet firm statements I could feel more confident going into situations
where I needed to be assertive because I had some verbal sayings to resort back to if I got
nervous.
Constraints
Being assertive is not always easy, especially if youre a people-pleaser like me. The
biggest constraint for me during this project was working through the fear of displeasing people.
I dont like being on bad terms with other people and I dont like the thought of other people
talking about me rudely behind my back without my knowing. I get nervous that I will displease
someone while being assertive and they might no longer like my or, even worse, talk about me
negatively to others. I also dont like being a burden to other people, which makes it hard to
assert my needs or wants.
Another constraint for me during this project was working through the fear of causing
conflict that I wouldnt know how to respond to. I get apprehensive before asserting myself
because I am worried that I wont be able to handle whatever comes afterwards. What if they get
mad and it causes a fight? What if they react emotionally and start yelling or being mean to me? I
would be more assertive if I knew that the conversation will stay calm and pleasant, but you
cant control how other people respond to you.
Implementation
Practicing Assertive Statements
Many people are not assertive simply because they do not know what to say in given
situations. I decided that in order to avoid that dreadful deer-in-headlights feeling, I would be
advantageous to have a mental collection of assertive phrases to choose from in the moment. A
good start in becoming more self-assured is to role-play scenarios you will or often encounter
and practice your verbal and nonverbal messages (Beebe, 2008).
Throughout this project I practiced verbalizing assertive statements before I ever used
them in real situations. This technique helps you develop more confidence in your abilities. I
kind of talk to myself in general, so doing this wasnt that awkward. I practiced what I was going
to say before I said it to someone and even thought about the possible replies they could say and
how I would react and handle them. I made sure to be aware of the nonverbal messages I was

conveying when I rehearsed in the mirror. The more you practice, the more ingrained in your
memory it is, and the more involuntary it becomes!
Body Language
Communication isn't just verbal. It is important to be aware of the nonverbal messages
you are sending. You must make certain the verbal and nonverbal components of the message are
consistent with each other (Veniez, 2012). Your body language says a lot about how you feel.
When being assertive, you should come off as confident and calm.
Overall, your body language should be open. This signals that there is no threat and you
are welcoming to a response. It is best to try and keep your face relaxed, neutral, and positive.
Speak in a normal, composed voice. To show confidence you should have an erect but relaxed
posture and engage in regular eye contact (Beebe, 2008). I practiced this body language around
my family and boyfriend. I noticed when I keep my voice calm and at a reasonable pace that it
keeps the conversation I am in more calm and peaceful. I paid close attention to my nonverbal
communication while rehearsing and executing my strategies.
I Feel Statements
Its your right as an individual to look after your emotional health. Expressing your
emotions and feelings (without attacking the other person) can have major benefits. By
communicating how we feel we also enable and motivate others to respond to our needs. People
are less likely to get defensive when you let them know how their behavior is affecting you, not
how their behavior is wrong or bad. In addition, its a healthy way to clarify misunderstandings.
A suitable instance of when I used an I feel statement is when I spoke with my sister
about always borrowing and mishandling my clothes. Instead of being hostile and shouting at her
I decided to focus on and reveal to her the way her actions made me feel. I expressed to her, I
feel upset when you wear my clothes and leave them on the floor because I have paid for them
myself and it makes me feel like you dont care for me or my belongings. This was a much
better approach than me saying, You always steal my clothes! You dont understand how
annoying it is to buy my own clothes and have my sister wear and mistreat them! Instead of
criticizing her and making her feel bad, I let her know how her actions were affecting me. She
could then see my point of view and agree that something like that would bother her as well.
I Want/I Need Statements
Ive realized that you should never assume that someone will instinctively know what
you want or need - people unfortunately (and fortunately) cant read minds. With that being said,
its your responsibility to speak up when there is something you need. Be reasonable with your
requests. Be clear and precise to eliminate any misunderstandings (Beebe, 2008).
I dont like displeasing people and I especially dont like when I feel like Im a burden to
others. For that reason, I have the hardest time voicing my wants and needs to others. I
acknowledge that being passive though is giving others the authorization to neglect my wants
and needs. This can lead to resentment, helplessness, and unease.
My boyfriend is really assertive. He knows that I struggle with asserting myself and he
also knows that I have been working on this project, so he has been assisting me. In our
conversations he reminds me that we equally have the right for our needs to be known and
hopefully fulfilled, but those needs cant begin to be fulfilled until the other person is aware of
them. Im practicing and getting better at being honest and open.
Empathetic Assertion
Empathic assertiveness conveys warmth and compassion to the other person. It
customarily contains two parts: a recognition of the other persons feelings, wants and/or

opinions; followed by a statement in which you state your feelings, wants and/or opinions. If
your display of empathy is sincere, the listener may be more likely to accept your assertion. In
addition, feelings of empathy may improve understanding, facilitate communication, and allow
us to care for others (Robert, 1998).
When I started rehearsing and (unknown to them) using this type of assertion on my
family, close friend, and boyfriend I realized that I feel more comfortable asserting myself after I
have recognized the other person first. I also noticed that when I recognized their situation,
feelings, wants, or beliefs I could then grasp their perspective a little more and was less angry
and aggressive with them. In order to understand and identify their perspective I had to listen
more attentively and ask more questions. By doing so, they felt that I was more concerned and
engaged.
Emotions in Check
Emotions can both cause and escalate conflict. Very strong emotions get in the way of
resolving conflict. You should work on remaining as collected as possible. By sticking to the
facts and logically expressing the concern, you are more likely to keep your emotions in check
(Purkey, 2010). Furthermore, assertiveness requires an understanding that while you can make a
request, others are well within their rights to say no. At times you may not get exactly what you
want or even get flat out rejected, dont get upset or angry.
Conflict in intimate relationships can be messy with all of the emotions that are involved.
I know myself and I know that I am not good at cooperating or compromising when I have high
emotions. My boyfriend has been in New York working for a few months now, we have lots of
chats on the phone. Ive gotten better at communicating to him when my emotions are too
extreme for us to continue our conversation. I make sure to not put blame on him by using my Istatements. Something like this, I want you to know that I am dedicated to resolving this
problem. However, I feel like my emotions are getting in the way of being able to reason
correctly or think logically. I would like to take a small amount of time to calm down and
continue this conversation later. How do you feel about that?
Ive found that this approach works successfully! He usually either tells me that he thinks
his emotions are elevated as well and acknowledges that time for both of us to calm down could
be constructive, or he asks me to better explain my emotions and how Im feeling. You shouldnt
let your emotions negatively control you. If you cant breathe and relax in the moment, being
able to sensibly exit the conversation is a worthy skill to have.
I Language Assertion
An essential skill in being assertive is to know how to get your message across neutrally.
You dont want to make people feel like they are being blamed, disrespected, or criticized. An
effective way to do this is to adopt the use of I-language. I-language maintains a respectful stance
toward the individual while enabling you to say how you feel and think.
I recall a week during this project that I was super stressed about a super close
approaching deadline for application at the university I want to go to. I had a lot on my plate at
the time, school and work wise, and I felt like I needed some extra help. I felt frustrated with my
mom that she wasnt doing much to help me. I was emotional, so initially wanted to be
aggressive with her. Of course, I refrained from doing so and decided to be assertive and tell her
how I was feeling and what I wanted.
I approached my mom in a calm demeanor and expressed myself by using I statements,
it went a little something like this: Mom, I dont think I have made it observable to you how
much stress I am under right now. I could use a little extra help and support from you right now. I

get really anxious when I feel like I have to do all of this all by myself. My mom hadnt realized
that I needed more assistance and support from her. She let me know that she is very proud of me
and all I have accomplished, she expressed that she wanted to be there for me and help in any
way that she could. This approach worked so much better than if I had gotten mad at her for not
helping me. The fact that this situation went so well made me more confident in my ability to
assert my needs to others, not just my family that I am comfortable with.
Avoiding You Statements
You-statements are statements that begin with the pronoun "you" and imply that the
listener is personally responsible for something. Such statements, more often than not, sound
like accusations and blame. No one likes to be judged or evaluated; in fact, any form of
evaluation creates a climate for defensiveness (Beebe, 2008).
Confronting my sister about her wearing my clothes and leaving them on the floor could
have had a completely different outcome if I used You-statements. If I challenged her saying,
You always take my clothes and leave them on my floor! You never respect my things! she
would have immediately gotten self-protective. You-statements encourage the listener to deny
wrong-doing and blame back. Most likely, my sister would have frantically denied her actions or
come-back with the fact that I borrow her clothes as well. All lines of successful communication
would probably be shattered.
Confrontive Assertion
You should use confrontive assertive statements when what is said is inconsistent with
what is done. There are three parts to a confrontive assertion. First, demonstrably describe what
the other person said would be done. Second, describe what the other person actually did. Third,
express what you want. Try to point out the behavior rather than provoke the person. When you
simply describe the behavior/problem, others are less likely to react defensively because they are
not being personally attacked.
While in the process of researching about confrontive assertions I found myself in a
perfect scenario in which to use this assertive strategy. I ordered some Caf Rio online, drove to
the location, picked up my food, and drove home. To my surprise, when I got home and opened
my meal I realized that they had given me chicken instead of steak. I contemplated being passive
about the ordeal and just dealing with the chicken, but they charge extra for steak and I didnt
want to pay for something that I did not receive. I decided to call the location and ask what they
could do. I explained the situation: I paid for steak and I expected to get steak; I received
chicken, I did not receive steak; and I would either like to receive what I ordered and paid for or
be endorsed the money I was over-charged. I was alarmed at how willing they were to resolve
my problem.
Constructive Criticism
One important feature of being assertive is to be able to take constructive criticism. We
need to remember that there is value in constructive criticism. Even the harshest comments teach
us something about ourselves or at least teach us how others may view us. As someone is sharing
feedback with you, listen attentively. Resist getting defensive and let them share their complete
thoughts. Focus on their perspective. Ask for clarifications if needed. Even though it may be
tough, thank them for their time and feedback.
The strongest relationships are those in which the partners are willing to both share their
perceptions and to be receptive to the perceptions of the other (Beebe, 2008). During this project
I asked a few people that I am very close with to give me some helpful criticism; this way I could
practice staying composed and handling the critique in a positive way. Of course my close family

and friends didnt go too harsh on me, but overall I think I did a decent job at listening to and
trying to fully understand their perceptions. I practiced beforehand saying, I didnt realize I
came across that way. Thanks for sharing your opinion. From my perspective... in case I
disagreed with anything I could let them know my outlook.
Results
As I implemented the strategies outlined above I realized that there are so many positive
consequences that come with being assertive. Every time I was clear and respectful about what I
was thinking or how I was feeling, I felt proud of myself for having the courage to do so. I also
felt like others around me thought higher of me and respected me for doing so. I could see a
change in not only myself, but how others saw me as well. This change in communication has
made me feel more self-assure. I feel more confident in my ability to control myself and
influence the world around me. I understand that I only have control of what I say (not how it is
received) but I now feel more confident in saying what I want to say.
Being assertive can occasionally lead to confrontation or conflict, which some may view
as a negative consequence. As I see it, even if it does result in conflict, articulating how you feel
or what you want is a positive thing and you will still feel proud afterwards. Honestly, through
doing this project I can easily see that there are way more negative consequences in having a
passive communication style. Ive learned more about how being passive adversely affects, but I
see this as a positive consequence of this project. Now, being aware, I can better focus on these
behaviors and continue to consciously implement more assertive strategies.
Recommendations
Through this project I have learned a lot about being assertive and how valuable and
useful this communication style is. I plan on continuing to practice being assertive, this is a skill
I really want to have for myself. With each little success I have had Ive felt more and more
confident in my abilities and it gives me motivation to continue implementing these strategies.
Ive made some progress in asserting myself in low-risk, mildly tense situations.
However, I still have trouble asserting myself in high-risk, moderately tense situations. To
improve, I will visualize performing well and completing my goal with positive results (Beebe,
2008). This will ease my apprehension about high-risk situations. I will continue to practice the
strategies I have learned until I feel fully comfortable with high-risk situations.
Works Cited
Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2008) Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Boston:
Pearson Education // Allyn & Bacon.
Purkey, William Watson, and John J. Schmidt. From Conflict to Conciliation: How to Defuse
Difficult Situations. Thousand Oaks, Calif.: Corwin, 2010. Print.
Robert S. Adler, Benson Rosen, and Elliot M. Silverstein, "Emotions in Negotiation: How to
Manage Fear and Anger," in Negotiation Journal, (14:2, 1998).
Veniez, Michael. "How to Use Body Language to Be Assertive and Appear Powerful." Demand
Success. 21 June 2012. Web. 13 Nov. 2015.

<https://demandsuccess.wordpress.com/2012/06/21/how-to-use-body-language-to-beassertive-and-appear-powerful/>.