Академический Документы
Профессиональный Документы
Культура Документы
Prologue
Throughout this essay I explore my experiences with the military,
and others experiences in relationship to mine. I use the tools of
creative nonfiction, which I have developed in a few of my literature
courses. I also use the Military Decision-Making Process (MDMP), which
I learned in my ROTC courses at Michigan Tech, in order to organize my
story.
In this personal essay I use creative nonfiction elements
including personal presence, self-discovery and self-exploration,
reflection, and veracity. I attempt to bring you into the scene with rich
description of characters and setting. I use dialogue to help explain the
setting and to put emphasis on the scenes. I use exposition in areas
that need more detail in order to get the point across and ensure
understanding, while throughout I analyze and reflect on the events.
The material is organized into seven different parts; those being
the parts of the MDMP, which include:
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
commander translates his vision of the end state1 into action (Chapter
5, 1). We use this decision-making structure in the military in order to
better plan and organize missions to make the best decision possible in
a certain situation. It allows the commander to propose a plan to the
rest of the staff in an organized way and get input from his/her fellow
soldiers. I used this structure to organize my essay because it helps
examine my situations and decisions. Some events show up in more
than one part, depending on the type of development and decisionmaking that it ties in with. The piece is about my journey and how I
developed and grew throughout my experiences with the military. With
the help of my English and Army courses I am able to explore it in a
creative way.
*
exposed to all the creepy crawlies, making sure I kept my eye on all of
their movements, flicking them away if they came too close.
Our whole squad2 was so stealthy and quiet. We had our combat
uniforms on, helmets stuffed with leaves and moss for extra
camouflage, vests with all the fixings (canteens, compass, eye
protection: thats what we call full battle rattle. Its not like we were in
a war zone or anything; we were on the Tech Trails. Mountain bikers,
runners, and walkers with their dogs would pass by us often. Some of
them would see us, but those that didnt at first got the daylights
scared right out of them. The funniest part for me was when we finally
did see the enemy, who happened to be our senior ROTC cadets
dressed in all black, we would take our fake rifles and shoot at them
with our mouths.
BANG, BANG, BANG! everyone yelled.
I wanted so much to laugh. That was, until someone saw the shiteating grin on my face.
Be loud! Engage! Shoot at them!
So I went for it, Bang! Bang! Bang! I shot at the enemy.
Pew! Pew! Pew! someone yelled. I smiled and refrained from
laughing while continuing to yell bullets.
Our Cadre member3 didnt think that was too funny, WHO said
pew?! His cheeks got red as he yelled through the huge dip of
chewing tobacco in his lip. He was looking back and forth, searching for
the smartass. I dont think he enjoyed being mocked by his own
cadets. No one had answered him, we were too busy engaging the
enemy. The mission was moving too fast now and it seemed like he
had forgotten all about the incident. We searched the bodies and got
the intel that we needed and the mission was over.
At the end of that first day in Army ROTC, I didnt understand the
point of it all. Why would they make us waste our time staring at the
trees for and hour and a half? I didnt understand, but week after week
I continued to show up. I followed orders, and I learned to keep my
mouth shut and lay in the dirt.
All the older cadets would tell the freshman, We had to do it
when we were freshman. Thats the only answer I could get. I would
have to wait and see.
3 Cadre member: another word for military instructor. Includes Noncommissioned officers, Officers, and contractors.
5
when my teacher got a call. As all of us students watched his face turn
from smiling to devastation, we knew something was wrong. Our
cursive lesson stopped and we turned on the T.V. and watched the
news. All I remember is how confused and terrified I was. I didnt
understand what was happening, but I knew it was bad and I knew it
was serious. I was terrified about where my dad was and if I would ever
see him again. My principal came out on the loudspeaker and
announced that we would be joining the rest of the school in the
courtyard around the flagpole. As we made our way down the hall, our
usually loud and spunky class walked silently without a word. Two
hundred students circled around the flag as we stood and listened to
our principal explain what happened, and the flag was lowered to halfstaff. We all sang in unison the Star Spangled banner and recited the
Pledge of Allegiance. That was something that we did every day before
class started, but when we sang this time it was different. It wasnt the
fact that there were more people; it was the fact that we all shared this
same sorrow in those moments. In the middle of us singing, three
fighter jets flew directly over us. Everyone sang and looked up toward
the blue sky in awe, eyes wide, jaws low, but hearts hung lower.
When I arrived home, I got news from my mom that my dad was
okay and that he was safe. All I wanted was for him to come home and
be with us. We sat on the couch watching the news on the T.V.,
anxiously engaged with what was happening to our country. All I saw
7
was rolling grey smoke and debris flying around everywhere. It was
something Id only seen in the movies. They played the vision on loop,
over and over again, like a bad song that you just cant seem to get
out of your head. The visions, the sounds and the look on my moms
face said it all. This was bad, and the problem wasnt going to be
solved for a long, long time. As I watched the footage I felt that I
wanted to change how other people in this world treated each other, or
at least try to make a difference. I felt that the way to do that was
through the military. Also, I thought that if I did what my dad did, I
could protect him from all the evil that was happening around the
world.
I come from a long line of veterans; both of my grandfathers, my
parents, aunts and uncles, and my brother all have served in the
military. My dad and my brother were the biggest influences on my
decision to join the Army. All throughout high school my dad was the
one person who constantly pushed me to get good grades, stay
physically fit, and eat healthily. My parents also taught me discipline,
respect, and integrity. My brother, though, was the one I looked up to
and always strived to be like. Connor is about three and a half years
older than me, and four years ahead of me in school. He was a model
student, something I never was, but I tried to be just like him. He not
only was a good student, but he was one of the best cadets in the
Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) at Michigan Tech and he
8
10
11
am. I have a voice and I say what is on my mind; that is who I actually
am. Only my close friends and family see that real side of me because I
know its safe and they wont get offended. Half the time I have to be
in Army attire, the other half I like to look girly and throw in my nose
ring and curl my hair. Ive found that people seem to treat me
completely different if they have only seen one side of me. I have
witnessed people looking at me when I am in uniform, being
intimidated and avoiding eye contact. When in classes, it makes the
difference between who strikes up a conversation. Most students dont
talk to me when Im in uniform, or if there are enough seats they will
leave at least one in between them and me. A lot of the time they will
just stare, but on rare occasions someone will actually have the guts to
say something to me.
Why are you wearing that? a girl asked me, pointing to my
Army Service Uniform5 (ASU) as I sat next to her in class. I was wearing
a button down short sleeve blouse tucked into my blue polyester skirt,
pantyhose, and one-inch heels. Not something I particularly wanted to
wear in 30-degree weather and a foot of snow.
So I can freeze my ass off, and have people stare and point
fingers at me all day while Im walking to class. Thats what I wanted to
say, in my most sarcastic tone possible. But, she was just curious so I
15
she was bored of school and wanted to do something else with her life.
She and a friend that she was attending college with decided to talk to
a Navy recruiter one day to see what he offered for them. He must
have been convincing because my mom and her friend agreed to
enlist. Not only that, my mom also got both of her sisters to join her.
When I asked her how she managed to persuade my aunts to join the
Navy with her, she explained to me that they were at the point in their
lives when they didnt know what they wanted to do. So they signed up
and at the end of boot camp my mom got a pay raise for recruiting.
When making the decision to join the military you want support,
but even if you dont receive the support you want, you might join
anyways. Everyone was generally supportive of my decision. In fact,
they were ecstatic. But, my mom had a different experience: her father
was not supportive of her decision to join the Navy. Its not like
enlisting was something completely random she decided to do; she
had actually been thinking about it for quite some time, but shed put
it on the back burner because she knew that her father wouldnt
approve. With my grandfather being a Korean War Marine veteran, he
had his reasons for why he didnt support her. Stereotypes of women in
the military were one of those reasons. My grandpa had known women
in the military to be two things, promiscuous or lesbians. He didnt
want his daughters to have to deal with those stereotypes, or become
them. Another reason that he was unsupportive was simply because he
19
21
happen if I did turn back to look at him one more time, because I sure
as hell didnt. My eyes were glued open like my face had gotten stuck
after someone scared the living crap out of me. Even when I handed
the security lady my ticket and identification she made a double take.
She wearily handed my things back to me, as I continued through the
security checkpoint. Im sure I scared a few more people that walked
passed me. Their stares were enough to confirm their thoughts but I
didnt care because I was preoccupied. There was nothing much going
on upstairs, but there was a whole lot of activity going on in my
stomach. I wasnt sure if I was going to projectile vomit, or if I was just
hungry. So just to be cautious I chewed on some chalky Pepto-Bismol
tablets that dried up my throat and made me even more
uncomfortable.
The plane I took from Traverse City to Chicago was comparable
to a short bus. The thing was miniature. I sat on the side with only one
seat and threw my head back as I buckled up. I had to close the blind
on the window because the sun was fiercely beaming into my wide
stuck eyes. Not only was the plane short, but so was the flight. I had to
duck my head lower than usual as I stepped off. Next was Chicago to
Louisville.
When I entered OHare, there was an explosion of camouflage
backpacks. We looked like a cloud of grasshoppers among a colony of
ants. I didnt know any of these people, but I definitely would know
24
the waiting area, and how ironic was it that Teen Mom was playing. It
was almost like they planned it out. Sneaky bastards.
It would suck to find out of you were pregnant at LDAC, one girl
yelled out.
Another looked at her, I heard it has already happened.
Well, what happens if you are?This one looked worried.
Then they send you home, of course!
They called our names one by one and told us our results. No
one got escorted away so I assume all of the tests were negative. The
next station was blood pressure and blood extraction. I was running on
hardly any sleep so I had been eating these caffeine mints that I had
gotten in my MRE. As I sat and waited I was tapping my foot up and
down as if a fast-paced jazz band was playing. No music, just nerves
and caffeine. The nurse that grabbed my arm and wrapped the Velcro
clothe around my arm.
How you doin today, honey? she asked in her southern twang.
Im doing fine maam, and yourself?
Oh, Im just peachy, she looked around and we waited for the
machine to beep. Dear lord, girl, your blood pressure is so high it
wont even register! Ive got to try it again. What have you eaten
today?
I answered her quickly, Some peanut butter and caffeine mints.
I dont know why I was so worried; I felt like they were looking for
30
anywhere but in that chair. They took seven vials of my blood. These
tests made me feel like we were all there competing for most perfect
human, and I was happier than ever when it was over.
Sleep was one of the only times that I kind of had to myself while
I was at LDAC, and I wasnt even alone. I was in a room with twelve
other females and I knew none of these girls. I also got placed into a
room late so I wasnt able to be with the girls in my platoon13 because
their room was already full. On day four of training, after all of the
medical testing, poking, and evaluation, we were told that we were
going to be woken up at four oclock in the morning for a fire drill. After
finishing up all of our tasks for the daywhich was around eleven at
nightwe all set our alarms and started getting ready for bed. I was so
exhausted from all the medical stuff that I dont even remember falling
asleep, but I sure as hell remember waking up.
WAKE UP, LADIES! Turn the lights on, get your tennis shoes,
dont even think about opening your lockers, and get out here now! No,
you cannot use the bathroom so dont even think about asking.
I sat up so fast it was like my bed was spring loaded. What in the
actual fuck is going on? My heart was pounding out of my chest so
hard that I could hold it in my hands. The lights flashed on and I was
blinded.
males had at least twice as much as we did, which made me feel bad
for the ones who were at the end of the line.
If you absolutely cannot wait your turn, move to the front of the
line, but you better have to go when you get in there because we
arent putting up with the stage fright thing. Girls moved up to the
front of the line and the rest of us continued to stand in formation in
the pitch dark. The captain came back about 10 minutes later.
What did I tell you ladies? If you dont have to go, dont come to
the front of the line. One of you just went in talking about how bad she
had to pee, and then when its her turn she cant go. This is your last
warning so you better be sure. So thats what she meant about stage
fright. This worried me; I didnt want to be the girl who suddenly lost
the urge to pee when the pressure was on.
An hour later, it was my turn. I walked into the building and stood
in line. The Cadre kept yelling at me because I didnt clearly
understand the directions about what they wanted me to do. Touch
this, no this, dont touch that! I had never participated in a drug test
before, so this whole process was foreign to me. I stood there holding
the cup over my head waiting for the next available female Cadre
member. This is so stupid. I cant believe they are making me hold the
cup I am about to urinate in over my head. Then it was my turn now.
I walked into the stall, the cup still placed on my head like I was
going to gather water and bring it back to my fellow cadets. The
34
bathroom was bright and white; I could hear the girl next to me in the
stall and I could see the Captain staring in at her. I looked at the Cadre
member that was assigned to me. Well, go on, she barked. Nice to
meet you too, excuse me while I just pee in front of you now. She was
staring at me with this scary look on her face, like she wanted to beat
the shit out of me mixed with disgust. She must just love her job right
now. Her eyes dug into me as I finally got the courage to let go what I
had been holding for over an hour. At that moment I decided the fear
of what would happen if I couldnt pee was far greater than the
awkwardness of doing my business in front of a stranger. I couldnt
help but think that I would have to do this one-day. Watching people
pee wasnt in the job description! As I quickly found out, there were
various physical challenges that we had to go through. First it was all of
the medical stuff with the poking and prodding, then the pee test, and
most importantly there was the heat and field training that we had to
do, which was the longest and most challenging of all.
We were on our second week of training and they moved us
from the barracks to the tents out in the field. We lay there on our cots
under the canvas, sweating, groaning, and trying to keep our minds off
the heat. We werent allowed outside the tent because the heat was
dangerous. I was convinced that it was hotter under the tent, but it did
get us out of the direct sun. Being in the tent was like going to the
sauna with your friends, except our sweat was evaporating with
35
training camp. It got so bad that the cadre made it a rule that we
werent allowed to wash and hang our clothes anymore. They were
definitely living conditions I wasnt used to, and it made me appreciate
something as simple as a washing machine and a dryer.
Over the course of the month I was Platoon Leader, Platoon
Sergeant, and Squad Leader. Not only was I putting to use my
leadership skills, but I was observing others as well. I would observe
when we were doing our missions, when we were eating, when we
were getting ready for bed, all the time. There were so many different
personalities and perspectives in one small area; at times it was hard
to handle. You put forty trained leaders in an area together; you are
going to get forty different opinions. As the days passed, we learned
that that wasnt good leadership. Those who chose to keep quiet when
it wasnt their turn to shine were the smart ones of the group. In order
to be a good leader, you must first be a follower. LDAC put a lot of
pressure on cadets, some more than others. Once we got to know one
another, we learned what the others could handle stress-wise. Some
people cracked. They just couldnt handle the pressure. I helped one of
the girls who had a hard time, and I tried to guide her back on track
the best I could. She had told me that she didnt think Army is what
she wanted to do anymore. She just didnt want to. We were five days
from graduating and she decided that all the stress and pressure and
evaluating just wasnt what she wanted anymore. Her dad was a full37
38
was. She might have grown up in a military family, but being an Army
leader just wasnt what she was ready for at that time in her life.
Join the Army, travel the world, and meet interesting people!
This is the slogan that a lot of recruiters use to get people my age who
dont know what they want to do with their lives yet, to join the Army.
A lot of the time its not what its cracked up to be. You have to deal
with difficult people, see and hear things you dont want to, and make
difficult life-altering decisions. I might not always be a great journey,
but it is a journey nonetheless. Other times, the slogan is right; you
travel, meet great people, and have the time of your life.
My second ROTC journey took me through happened directly
after I graduated from LDAC. It was another training opportunity that
was offered to me called Cadet Troop Leader Training (CTLT)17. I was
going to get hands-on learning in a real Army unit, with real Army
soldiers, and real Army equipment. For this trip I was a little more
excited, not only because Id been successful at LDAC, the biggest test
of my cadet career, but also because I was on my way to Hawaii. I
would be shadowing a UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter pilot, which is
exactly what I wanted to be.
Its a completely different experience seeing something on the
television or in a brochure, and actually seeing it in real life. You dont
believe it until you see it. At least I didnt. The beginning of my
them up. It was so surreal. The ocean was all different shades of deep
blue leaking into each other, with cliffs and mountains surrounding the
coast of Oahu. The mountains were shaped with cuts up and down, like
vertical stripes. The waves turned into whitecaps as they crashed into
walls of the island. There were yachts in the water that looked as small
as paddleboats and left white streaks in the water like jets leave
streaks in the sky.
My eyes were scanning as much area as they could as fast as
humanly possible. We took a sharp turn into the mountains, twisting
and weaving, dodging and ducking. My stomach tickled and I laughed
as it jumped up and down with the movements. We cut through clouds
like butter, and when we were above them the sun shone so bright it
was like a light from heaven. I couldnt believe this was a job. Those
people actually got paid to fly around that beautiful island.
I though of my dad and what it must have been like for him. I
imagined him in the crew chief seat, peering out the window, smiling
and enjoying the ride. He always told me how much he loved his job.
He used to say, If you love your job, you never work a day in your life,
and I loved my job. I looked down at the water and envisioned him
jumping out of the helicopter to go rescue some poor soul. He was a
search and rescue swimmer. He flew in helicopters and he saved lives.
What a job. This is why I wanted to be in the helicopter so bad. I
wanted to feel the way my dad felt. I wanted to love my job, I wanted
41
best thing and I didnt mind getting my hands dirty one bit. I was
finally able to act on my passion, and ask all the questions that I
wanted. My stomach would get butterflies, my heart would speed up,
and my palms would sweat just at the possibility I might be able to fly
that day.
By the end of my time with the Aviation MED EVAC unit, I had
been on roughly nine flights, three of which went to Kauai (hardly
anyone gets to do that). Id also learned how to take care of soldiers by
counseling them and helping them adapt into becoming better leaders.
I had an up close and personal view of the marriage problems that the
soldiers were facing. I heard my mentors talk about young adults my
age getting married and divorced faster then they could turn the legal
drinking age. It was a situation that I had a hard time comprehending,
mostly because I was older then these soldiers but they were
experiencing things that I couldnt even fathom. Often I thought to
myself; how am I supposed to help these soldiers when I havent
experienced marriage? Or, what if I say the wrong thing? These were
issues that I was going to have to deal with once I graduated, and it
made me nervous. The thought of divorce scared one young mans
wife so much that she informed him that she was going to commit
suicide if divorce was the answer. Like most people would be, he was
terrified and had no clue what to do. He was unhappy in his marriage
but the situation now just horrified him. As I listened and observed
43
these stories, I snapped out of my fairytale and life got a little more
real. Being a leader wasnt all fun and games and going flying every
day. Looking out for your soldiers and finding the help they need, is
what happened every day.
44
out of the house as quickly as my little legs would take me. I saw his
little green truck kicking up dust as he reached the end on the gravel
driveway. I ran after him crying hysterically, Daddy, please come
back, I didnt mean it! It was too late. He couldnt see me. My mom
ran after me and scooped me up into her arms. I had missed my
chance.
That night he called when he reached the hotel where he was
staying for the night to let us know that he made it safe. I was crying
and my mom handed me the phone. I was too young to realize, but
later I found out he was crying too. I cried to him and told him how
much I loved him and how sorry I was. I begged him to come back and
give me a hug, but he was too far away. My heart stayed in my throat
for weeks. Every time he called the house after that day, I reminded
him over and over again how much I loved him. Not only did I break my
dads heart that day, but mine broke too.
I didnt understand it then, but that could have been the last
time I saw my dad. I let the anger of his absence and leaving consume
me. I loved him so much that it made me angry I could never have
enough time with him. I worried every single day after that day that I
would never see him again, until the day he returned home eighteen
months later. If something would have happened to him on that
deployment I would have never been able to forgive myself.
47
on the white background that the big, black, bold letters burned into
my eyes, like when you stare at the sun too long. Divorce Here, is
what it read. From its size, it seemed almost like everyone was
searching for divorce. I always thought it was something people tried
to avoid and hide from. I had heard stories about young kids joining the
military making so-called stupid decisions, deciding to marry the first
woman/man they had ever laid eyes on. Later I would learn that in
most cases this was true. When I saw this sign it was my first time
living around an Army base. I was in Fort Benning, Georgia, living with
my boyfriend at the time had been sent there for Army training. His
name was Jarod we had actually met in ROTC. I decided to follow him
down to Georgia the summer after my second year.
When I saw that sign, it wasnt just something I shrugged off for
the evening; it made me think a lot more about my decisions in life and
how I didnt want to end up being one of those people frantically
searching for those two big, black, bold, and terrifying words; Divorce
here.
Divorce was something my family avoided talking about for the
most part. I didnt even know what it meant when kids would talk
about it in elementary school. I just assumed that everyone had a mom
and dad, and if they didnt they must be on vacation, at work like my
dad, or dead. I finally learned the meaning of divorce when my parents
started thinking about getting a divorce themselves. My dad was
50
always gone and being away for that long is hard on relationships. I
just remember how tense and uncomfortable it was in the house
during this time. Especially when my dad was home on leave. I would
tiptoe around the house and be as quiet as I could, so that I would
have a better chance of not being seen. I didnt want to have to face
my parents, or their problems. That is why that sign is molded in my
brain. Now that Im old enough to get married and decide who I want
to spend the rest of my life with, it terrifies me. Left and right I hear of
couples in the military getting divorced, or hear stories of infidelity.
How could I not be scared? Is it just the military that has these
relationship issues or is it just a part of life? Since both of my parents
were in the same branch of the military, and so were Jarod and I, I
couldnt help but think that we would be put in that same situation one
day, our obligations to the military pulling us apart. So I tiptoed around
that also, and eventually ended my relationship out of fear of the big,
white, pasty sign.
I was sitting on my bunk, wiping away at the carbon that covered
the parts of my rifle and having a deep conversation with my
bunkmate. At this time I was happy in love with Jarod. He wrote me
letters about how much he loved me and sent me packages with my
favorite things, but I had noticed that my bunkmate never really got
anything in the mail. I knew she had a daughter but I never heard her
saying anything about any kind of boyfriend/partner/spouse. Since they
51
had taken our phones away, mail was the primary form of
communication, so her not getting anything concerned me, considering
I knew how good it felt to receive mail once in a while. So I popped my
head over the edge of the bed and looked down at her, Hey, you got a
boyfriend at home?
No, she replied. She didnt seem to upset about my asking so I
decided to proceed with the questioning. We had gotten pretty close
over the last couple of weeks; she was thirty-three years old, priorenlisted and someone that I turned to for advice often. She never
complained, always worked her hardest and looked to lend a helping
hand to others. Driven and beautiful, how could she not have someone
waiting for her at home? I didnt believe her, even though I knew she
wouldnt be lying to me either.
Well, I mean, were you ever married or anything? Like when you
had your daughter?
No.
Oh, well, what happened?
I have had a bad history of relationships, honey. She kind of
half smiled and let out a quick sigh. Almost a look of disappointment
mixed with amusement from a young kid like me questioning her about
her life.
What she told me that day really shocked me and made me see
her a whole new light. She not only raised a child on her own, but
52
sacrificed everything to make her daughters life a great one. She had
been deployed to Afghanistan, cheated on, lied to, abandoned, and still
managed to keep everything together. She juggled taking care of her
daughter, her full-time active duty job in the Army, and going to school
full-time for two years. I respected her and thought she was a great
person before that conversation, but after she told me all the bullshit
she put up with and went through, it made me respect her and look up
to her even more.
Im done searching for a loyal and trusting man. Ive been done
for a long time. Ive been disappointed, heartbroken, and let down. All I
need is my babies; my daughter, my dog, my cat, and thats it. I take
care of my babies, go to school, and do my job.
I didnt exactly know what to say to her after a story like that. I
admired her for everything she had gone through, and how shed
handled it. I sat on my bunk and continued to scrape the carbon off my
rifle as I imagined how my life would turn out. Even though my
bunkmates life turned out to be okay, and the events in her life made
her into the amazing person that she was, I never wanted to
experience that kind of pain. The pain of being alone after your
significant other leaves you for getting pregnant, and never seeing or
hearing from then again. The pain of spending two years of your life
with a man and letting your daughter get close to him. Thinking he was
the one only to find out that he was living a double life. Her ex had a
53
wife and three kids thousands of miles away, and he lied and kept this
from her for so long. I couldnt believe I was so stupid and nave. This
is what happens when you travel around as much as we do, she had
told me, there are men like him everywhere, and women, too. They
call themselves geographical bachelors. It just makes me sick.
It made me sick, too. I had to pick my jaw up off of the ground
because I was surprised that this shit was still going on in the world, let
alone the military. It is against the Army values and goes against
everything we stand for. If caught and charged for adultery in the
military, it is the end of your career and service. This doesnt happen
all the time. What goes around comes around, and they will get
caught. This wont be me. This wont happen to me. I wont let it. I had
to tell myself that because all her stories did was add to my fear.
In my senior year at Tech, I lie awake many nights staring at my
wall. The only light is the glow of the streetlamps outside my window,
dimmed by my curtain. I rethink over my failed relationships and think
of what I could have done differently. If they actually failed or if I was
looking for them to fail so I had an excuse to leave and push away. I
know that is how my last one ended. I try so hard not to but its almost
an instinct now. I have this barricade with barbed wire fence at the top
and I just cant escape. It makes me sleepless. I want so much to let go
of my fear and have hope that someday I will be happy and that I
wont be alone, but that hope is just the dim glow of the streetlamp
54
55
Epilogue
July 16, 2014. 0300 hours.
This time I was in Kentuckysitting on security during a mission
lying in the wet grass. This time I had a real rifle but fake ammo that
made real noises. I liked not having to scream Bang, bang, bang!
Unfortunately I never got to shoot my rifle, because once again, I was
58
on security, not part of the mission itself. I could hear the rest of my
platoon was making contact the enemy in the distance. My squad
was in the safe spotwhere they would return to after the mission
guarding the equipment. Three years later, there I was, doing the exact
same thing I was doing my first day. Still hated the creepy crawlies, but
for some reason they didnt bother me as much.
After all of those years I finally realize why they made us lay on
security. Its about discipline and patience. I had to learn to stay awake,
not flinch and move every time a bug crawled on mebecause in a
real-life situation a sudden movement could be your lastand most
importantly I had to learn the importance of securing an area to ensure
the safety of the soldiers and sensitive equipment. The missions
werent just about the flashy stuff but about being thorough, alert, and
prepared. I came to realize that being patient and observant was
significant, and it not only applied to missions and security, but also
being an overall leader. Even though I didnt understand the orders I
was given at first, I learned to highly value those orders and trust the
people that are in charge of me. To be a leader, I must first learn how
to follow. Someday I will likely be in a position of giving orders, and
some soldier will be thinking exactly what I was on day one. In ROTC
I've learned how carefully orders are developed, and Ive seen what
values that good leaders need to posses in order to be successful.
Decisions and issuing orders arent made or given out of impulse; its
59
Bibliography
60
61