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RaeQuan Peterson

Fall 2015

Professor.M.McCampbell
English 101
19 October 2015
RaeQuan this essay definitely shows you can write college-level
assignments. Now you need to focus on beating back the urge to
procrastinate. You know you can do it.
88/110

Wes Moore was a young African American boy who grew up on the west side of
Baltimore, Maryland. In his early life, Wes didnt have a positive male role model there for him.
His father was an alcoholic and wasnt around very much. Wes looked up to his older brother
Tony as a source of guidance of how to become a respectable man in society. Tony was a big
time drug dealer. He wanted better for Wes than for him to sell drugs and follow in his footsteps.
Wes had the potential to be someone great and powerful. Wes mimicked everything Tony did so
it was basically Wes brainwashing himself into becoming just like Tony because thats what he
thought was acceptable.

Around the age of 14 Wes begun to sell drugs and got involved with the wrong
crowd of people. Wes older brother Tony was around but he wasnt really around. Tony spent
most of his life in Murphy Homes with his biological father. He taught Wes how to fight and
defend himself. Tony didnt want Wes to be anything like him because he knew that he wouldnt
get far with that type of dangerous and risky lifestyle. Wes was actually putting himself in harms
way. Sibling relationships are a unique and powerful context for children's development,

characterized by strong positive features, such as warmth and intimacy, as well as negative
qualities like intense, potentially destructive conflict. For these reasons, sibling interactions may
be both a risk and a protective factor for the development and maintenance of emotional and
behavioral dysfunction (Science Direct).

Wes grew up in Dundee Village which was a very poor low income community
that was known for its popular location for drug and gang violence. The location polluted Wes
mind to think that living that type of lifestyle was the way to go even though Tony told him
numerous times its not the life he wants to be a part of. Tony warned Wes multiple times not to
get involved in the drug life but it didnt make that much of a difference on Wes outlook because
Tony was still out on the corners and in different communities selling drugs.

In 1990 Wes older brother Tony went over to his mothers house one day and as
he walked past Wess room he had noticed something was different. Wes had towers of new shoe
boxes all stacked against the walls, new untouched clothes and more. Tony suspected that he was
selling drugs so he pulled Wes up about the items hed seen in his room. Tony found his
younger brother and asked for an explanation for the leaning towers of Nikes. Wes stuttered out a
story: hed become a popular DJ in the neighborhood and was making incredible loot for DJing
parties (Moore 69). Tony knew it was a lie because no child that age could make that amount of
money to buy those things from just being a DJ. Tony asked Wes again and he lied to his face.
Before Wes could even open his mouth Tony punched him in his face. After the fight had ended
Tony told Wes he was done talking to him about selling drugs and he walked away.

Wes looked up to Tony even though he wasnt the picture perfect role model. Role
models demonstrate appropriate behavior and conformance. Role models are particularly useful
for roles requiring complicated behaviors and performances (Reference Groups and Role
Models). After this traumatic incident Wes felt like a disappointment to his older brother. Tony
told Wes to do whatever he wanted because he was done talking to him about selling drugs and
being involved with the wrong people. Wes was so disobedient to what Tony had been telling
him prior to the fight and it seemed to have taken them to fight for him to understand what Tony
had been telling him.

Wes surroundings played a huge part into the person he is today. Wes Moore isnt a bad
person he just made some bad decisions along the way which lead him to being incarcerated.
Dundee Village wasnt a very good place for Wes or any child to grow up. Tony tried to lead Wes
in the right direction but it didnt really work because he himself was still setting a bad example
by not being there for Wes and showing him how to be a man and do positive male role model
things. Tony just told Wes what not to do but he never showed him how to do positive things
with his life. Tony was a lot of talk but no action.You need a concluding sentence about Wes
Moore being adversely affected or not helped or something related to Tony being a lot of talk
and no action.

Works Cited
1. Dirks, Melanie A., et al. "Sibling Relationships As Sources Of Risk And
Resilience In The Development And Maintenance Of Internalizing And
Externalizing Problems During Childhood And Adolescence." Clinical
Psychology Review (2015): ScienceDirect. Web. 1 Dec. 2015.
2. Moore, Wes. The Other Wes Moore. New York: Spiegel & Grau Trade
Paperback, 2011. Print.
3. Flynn, Simone I. "Reference Groups And Role Models." Research Starters:
Sociology (Online Edition) (2015): Research Starters. Web. 1 Dec. 2015.
ENGL 101
M. McCampbell

Essay 2 -The Other Wes Moore

Scoring Rubric

Item

Does not meet C

Meets C standard

Exceeds C
Standard
8 - 10 points

Introductio
n
7

0-5 points

6 - 7 points

No intro device
Flat statement

Uses effective intro


device to connect
reader to topic
Identifies which Wes
Moore and influence

Thesis
7 connect
this to the
sentence
about Wes
brainwashin
g himself or
role model
Influencing
Factor

0-4 points
Flat statement of fact;
Broad influence
Thesis is not
completely developed

5 7 points
Assertion shows a clear
perspective of what
influenced the Wes
Moore of your choice
All ideas are developed
in the essay.

Uses specific detail


in introduction that
illustrates
significance of
influence and
broader social
implication.
8 10 points
Strong persuasive
assertion that
clearly connects
Moores outcome
with the
influence/s

0- 4 points

5 - 7 points

8 10 points

You show
the
connection
between
Wes and
Tony very
well. 10
Expanded
Social
Issue
7 you bring
up the idea,
but I think
you can add
more
specific
connections
to situations
between
Wes and
Tony.
Conclusion
6 Too
many
influences
(neighborho
od) start to
go off
subject.
In-text
citations
3 one
reference to
Wes Moore;
in-text
citations
should use
authors
names.

Incomplete
description, e.g. omits
who is affected and/or
how; topic is too
broad
No support from The
Other Wes Moore
0-4 points

Narrows down the


influence, provides
background and how
Wes Moore is
influenced. Includes
two cited examples
from the book.
5 - 7 points

Cites evidence
from The Other
Wes Moore and
interprets Moores
statements to the
essay.

Broader social
implications are not
clear or vaguely
referenced.
No broader social
implications are
mentioned.

Two researched details


are identified and
connected to the Wes
of your choice is clear.
Good details: RENNS

3 researched
details are
identified, detailed
(RENNS), and
cited. These
broader social
implications are
clearly connected
to the Wes Moore
of your choice. .

5 - 7points
Clearly summarizes the
influence/s on the Wes
of your choice and links
them with the broader
social implications.

8 - 10 points
In addition to
meeting criteria for
a conclusion, the
conclusion includes
a reflective
statement about
the significance.

1- 4 points
Restates thesis
or provides an
incomplete
summary

0-2 points
No references to
assigned reading;
Refers to sources, but
does not cite them;
Some material is not
cited correctly.

3 - 4 points
Uses two reference to
assigned reading; uses
correct in-text format.
Correctly used two
references from outside
sources.
Uses two different
ways of including
outside information.
Citations link correctly
to work cited entries.

8 - 10 points

5points
Uses two or more
references to
assigned reading
and cites them
correctly. Uses two
or more references
to outside sources
and identifies their
relevance to the
reader. Integrates
material into the

Minimum of two errors

Work cited
3

0-2points
No work cited list
Only one entry on
work cited list

Compositio
n
Structure 7
a stronger
thesis will
help you
create a
better TS
Coherence
10 a strong
point for
you in this
essay.

0-4 points

3 - 4 points
Three entries on work
cited list, correctly
cited and alphabetized.
One or two errors.
5-7 points

One or two topic


sentences missing;
Paragraphs lack unity

Clearly stated topic


sentences;
Paragraphs clearly
relate to thesis

Paragraph not related


to topic;
Organization does not
follow a clearpattern;
Abrupt changes;

Paragraphs arranged in
logical order;
Ideas follow logical
development
Employs transitions
when necessary
Uses appropriate
pronouns;
Avoids redundant
wording;
Uses words correctly
Avoids slang and worn
out cliches

text in a variety of
ways. No errors in
citation
5 points
More than three
entries on the work
cited list.
No errors
8-10 points
Topic sentences
are specifically
worded and link
thesis and all
supporting
material

Transitions move
ideas clearly
throughout essay;
Ideas build on each
other to emphasize
thesis;
Clarity 9 You Wording is vague;
Writers voice is
Words are confused
clear and
are
with
other
meanings
authoritative;
developing
Grammatical
Employs specific
a strong
conventions are
words; employs
writing
infracted;
active voice and
voice.
Uses second person
specific verbs;
prn;
Wording is concise
Spelling, grammar, and sentence mechanics errors 1 point for each error, prorated
by 500 words.
Errors: You begin with 20 points. You lose one point for each of the following errors:
Spelling

pronoun use

Capitalization titles should be italicized


Subj/verb agreement
Incorrect verb form

comma splice
run-on/fused sentence

sentence fragment

Verb tense

Begin sentence with coordinating conj.

Punctuation with direct and indirect quotations

Apostrophe errors

Comma error with coordinating conjunction

pronoun/antecedent agreement

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