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REPORT OF
THE OMBUDSMANS COMMISSION ON THE
UNAMERICAN ACTIVITIES AT
INTRODUCTION
OMBUDSMAN BIFFORD F. DIDDLE, by the power vested in him as
sovereign citizen and watchdog of truth, established this
Commission to investigate the events leading up to 16 October
2015, when media outlets first reported on the scandal that
would come to be known as #HatGate. THE OMBUDSMAN (and sole
member of the Commission) endeavored to evaluate all the
facts and circumstances surrounding #HatGate and to report
its findings and conclusions conclusively.
The subject of the Commissions inquiry was a chain of events
that saddened and shocked the employees of the WASHINGTON
FREE BEACON and citizens of the free world and DYLAN BYERS.
The potentially treasonous actions of FREE BEACON digital
managing editor ANDREW STILES, resulting in a significant
monetary donation to the DONALD J. TRUMP presidential
campaign, allegedly tied to the online purchase of Make
America Great Again headwear, necessitated this
investigation.
Among members of the FREE BEACON staff and the broader
community of Internet users, these events evoked universal
demands for an explanation, and stimulated a seemingly
endless array of conspiracy theories and baseless rumors.
The goal of this Commission was as follows: Find the truth.
Its conclusions are contained herein.
Yours in freedoms flame,
Biff F. Diddle
[Dictated but not read.]
THE OMBUDSMAN
FINDINGS
The findings of the Biff Diddle Commission are as follows:
1) WASHINGTON FREE BEACON digital managing editor ANDREW
STILES did knowingly and deliberately purchase a bunch
of hats from the DONALD J. TRUMP campaign website:
2) MR. STILES did knowingly and deliberately list his
occupation as #1 TRUMP FAN for submission to the
(unconstitutional) govt authority in Washington, D.C.:
was easily one of the most beautiful women I have ever
loved, which is really an extraordinary statement when
you take into account my extensive track record. We
used to spend long, rainy Saturdays on her couch in
London smoking cigarettes out the window and talking
about Satre. Ive never been fan of the French, but we
quickly bonded over our hawkish attitudes towards life
and the Viet Cong. Our lovemaking was nothing short of
ADAM KREDO
there was mediocre at best, but the liquor was strong.
On more than one occasion, I found myself floating faceup in the Mediterranean, stripped of all my clothes,
pondering the ancient glow of galaxies long dead. Id
lose track of the simple details of my own life: Name,
birthplace, 40-yard dash time, how many women Id
married, etc. It doesnt take a man long to figure out
that you can wash the blood off your hands, but it never
really comes off.
Lucius Gladfoot, and he was never wrong. He died
tragically in 1985 commanding a Bedouin calvary brigade
near
and I quote:
New Orleans must exist alone in my memory,
for it is far too much to write of here.
Had I stayed, as I might have, through
February and the Mardi Gras season, it
would be worth the novel. Those of you who
experienced it with me will know, or know
in part, what I mean. It was true living,
life lived to the limit of human flesh and
blood, and I will hold it with me forever,
until I return.
BYERS wrote that. He also broke the STILES story. We
might disagree on the definition of true living,
but I wont argue with the facts. When I published my
acclaimed memoir DIDDLE ME THIS back in the late
1990s, a lot of people thought it was a novel because
it was so rich and compelling and sexy. I pulled the
plug on the screenplay version because some skinnylegged suit in a studio out in California insisted on
a sympathetic protagonist, but Im getting off
track. Over the course of my investigation, I was
able to
fever dream,
clinging to shadows, outgrowing myself and this planet.
Slept-through summers. Winters on the pier. Arms deals
run awry. The America I knew no longer existed. It was
polygons and warning signs. Sweaty hordes of shiteating lawyers. Everyones genitals gone digital.
CONCLUSION
In the expert opinion of your humble OMBUDSMAN, there is
sufficient evidence to conclude that MR. STILES
treason.
terminated
immediately and delivered to the custody of BIFF DIDDLE.
the truth, commanding no armies but the facts, letting go
of daydreams sculpted out of great nothings, understanding
what it means to be a man.
D as spelled out in the
CONSTITUTION. I have towered in the valley. I have cowered
on the highest peaks. I have known love, and said goodbye.
I have committed terrible acts. For example:
Sadasdasda
ADDENDUM
MR. STILES submitted the following statement for the record
in response to the contents of this report:
Ive only been given 140 characters to respond, so Ill just say
that I would never question Ombudsman Diddles integrity. I am
grateful for
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
BIFF DIDDLE is the OMBUDSMAN of the WASHINGTON FREE BEACON.
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NOTE: PLEASE PROORFEAD FOR ERRORS