MANAGING BUBBIE

A memoir
By Russel Lazega

Copyright 2014 Russel Lazega

All rights reserved.
ISBN: 1499126298
ISBN 13: 9781499126297
Library of Congress Control Number: 2014907052
LCCN Imprint Name: City and State (If applicable)

For Bubbie, the yentas, and

the president, who never made it to brunch
with the family.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, Im from
the government, and Im here to help.
Ronald Reagan

MANAGING BUBBIE
By: Russ Lazega
PROLOGUE
It was the last thing she said to me before I left for college. I vant you should
write these tings down, she told me. Mine storiesmine lifeI vant you
should make a book from these tings, a book to tell vhat I did to bring mine
children here to this country. I didnt pay her suggestion much mind at the
time. Who had time for books?What with entrance exams and fall fraternity
rush coming up. Besides, I knew that in another week or so shed be off on
some other crusadesuing Ed McMahon or planning my wedding without
even introducing me to the bridetheres always something. Shes a page
right out of a Neil Simon play, my grandmother, a true Miami Beach Jewish
bubbie. Silver hair, tortoise-shell glasses two sizes too big, and that
unmistakable Yiddish accent, I vant you should make this book. Youll be my
storyteller, my manager. Youre a smart boy, Russel. A million dollars theyll
pay you for this book! I know from these tingsIm no dumb bubbie. I told
her, somewhat insincerely, that Id give it some thought. Youve got to
understand that once Bubbie has her mind set on something, theres no
stopping her. All my life I have miraclesA little angel on the shoulder that
keeped me alive from these tings I seen. Do you know from vat Im sayingan
angel? Again, insincerely, I told her yes. But it wasnt for another ten years
that I finally listened and understood what she meantten more years before I
finally knew from angels.

A FAMILY AFFAIR
Summer 1987. Another holiday brunch at Moms. My dads cousin
Leon is entrenched in another of his debates with my grandmother.
Hes not a bad guy, Leonwhat you might call a characterhes loud,
bald, and abrasively Russian. Right now hes playing a classical piece
on an ebony piano with sticky keys. His gift for music was his fathers
legacy. The strained melody seems to smother an odd discussion that
has turnedwell, downright peculiar.
Leon:
Let me get this straight, Lea, youre telling me Ronald
Reagan is your long-lost half brother?
Bubbie: Ya. I have a theory this vas the son from mine father. Dont
laugh. I have proof from these tings.
She reaches into her bag, fumbling through half-eaten Belgian
chocolates and packets of Sweet and Low until finally, she pulls out
an old photograph. Its black and white. Creases run down the middle.
A date is scribbled on the back1902.
Bubbie: Look on this picture of mine father, and you tell me.
The resemblance to the archconservative is noteworthy, but hardly
cause to call the six oclock news.
Bubbie: Just look on this face.
She places the photo beside a tabloid clipping of the president with his
arm around the Close Encounters alien. The headline reads, Reagan
Consults with Extra-Terrestrial Ambassador.
Bubbie: It must be. Look on the pictures. I tink this is my long-lost
brother.
Leon:
What, ET or Reagan?
She remains steady in the face of a hostile brunch crowd.
Bubbie: I have proof. Look, I vas born nineteen hunderd eleven.
Reagan, he was born nineteen hunderd ten, almost the
same time as me.
Leon:
Yeah, you and about a million other people.
Bubbie: No listen, theres more. Mine father, he liked to chase
women. He vas charming. How do you call it?A card

shark, a hustler. He used to make games and fighting

matches in the park. He called it show business. Vell,
anyvay, I tink he met this womanthis Mrs. Reaganin
one of these fights.
Leon:
Oh for crying out loud, Lea, your father barely spoke two
words of English.
Bubbie: This doesnt matter. He vas very handsome. Believe me,
hed find a vay.
Leon:
Right, it was a magical romance between a wealthy
American woman and a piss-poor Polish JewNever mind
that he couldnt speak English and lived halfway around the
world in Poland.
Bubbie: No, no, no. Mine parents were here in America. They came
here nineteen hunderd six.
Leon:
Your parents immigrated to America?
Bubbie: Ya, they vent to California to look for gold.
Leon:
Gold? In 1906?
Hes puzzled for a moment, and then, strangely, it makes sense.
Leon:
Sure, naturally, it probably took fifty years for the news to
hit Poland.
Bubbie: Mine parents came to America nineteen hunderd six, and
then nineteen hunderd eleven they moved back to Poland.
My mother vas pregnant mit me vhen they left here. So,
mine sister vas born here a citizen, but I vas born in
Poland.
Leon:
Sure, why stay in Americathe land of opportunitywhen
you can live with the anti-Semites in Poland? Who wouldnt
miss the lootings, the burnings, the cossacks, the
pogroms
Bubbie: Ach, vat can I tell you, when they finally got here mine
father didnt like it. He said it vas because he didnt find any
gold and because Jewish show business vasnt good here.
But I tink it vas because he made this Irish girl pregnant,
and they chased him out from the city.

My green-haired teenage sister enters the room.

Leon:
Hey, Betsy, guess what, the president is your long-lost
great uncle.
Betsy:
Cool.
Shes not impressed with her newfound political roots.
Leon:
Hey Lea, hows this? I say we take the whole family on a
trip to Washington to break the news to Reagan that hes
Jewish. His wife will love it. Well bring an orthodox rabbi
with a black hat and a beard to make a conversion. Ill even
book Sife the knife to do the circumcision.
Bubbie: I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but vat can I tell you? My
lifeoy!my life is full of crazy stories.