MAYBERRY GAZETTE

A Plummer Newsletter

February 14, 2016

[Edition 1, Volume 1]

WATERING HOLE INVESTIGATION

Bag of Bones are not Human

By Alexandra Kantanavicius

Yesterday in the local watering hole, a bag of

bones was collected and placed under investigation. It
was initially thought that there had been a series of
mass murders. DNA has been linked to Creepy Joethe local butcher shop owner.
After investigating, Joe confessed that he did

Divorce lawyers have been contacted, and the

local investigation department is suffering a loss in
funds. Creepy Joe will be charged for wasting the
counties effort and time. State investigators are still at
a loss as to how Mayberry officials did not detect that
the bones were from an animal, and not human.
Some folks may lose their jobs over this.

place the bag of bones in the water hole. But he has

admitted they are NOT human bones, but cow bones.
Seems his wife asked him to become a vegetarian
and he was hiding his addiction to meat.

NEW SHERIFF IN
TOWN!!
By Taylor Lesko

Taylor's town. The man to try and make these

changes happen is the one and only RICK GRIMES.
News has got out that in Georgia all these 'walkers'
have started to roam the streets, and it makes it hard
to live.

SHERIFF TAYLOR TELLS THE PEOPLE OF

MAYBERRY NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE
THERE IS NOT AND WILL NOT BE ANY
ZOMBIES COMING TO EAT OUR BRAINS.

It is going to be a fight, as Officer Grimes and

Sheriff Taylor battle it out for control. The people of
Mayberry are just as confused as to
why these fellas have come to our
neck of the woods. The people are

News travels fast in a small town, and words

scared. They have heard rumors

that Rick, and his group of friends

got out that there are going to be new visitors coming

are willing to do ANYTHING to stay

to Mayberry, this weekend. February 14th everything

alive. Sheriff Taylor tells the people

is going to change for us folks here.

Its crazy to think that the man, the myth, the
legend, is going to come try and change Sheriff Andy

of Mayberry not to worry because there is not and will

not be any zombies coming to eat our brains soon.
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By Kaitlyn Jones

Tragedy at the
County Fair

WANTED

By Jessica D. Wood
Mayberry residents attended the Patrick County
fair this week. Everyone had a great time until tragedy

1-800-CAP-HOOK

struck. While showing his prized Watermelon, farmer

Sam Jones, was accosted by Otis Campbell.
Good ole Otis had a few too many drinks and just
as it was about to be pinned with the blue ribbon, tripped
on a vine from Sams watermelon. Assuming that Sam
had tripped him, Otis confronted Sam. Sam defended
himself, although it was reported that things would not
have gotten as out of hand if not for Gomer and Goober
adding to the bickering.

Kidnapper on the Loose!

The four were involved in uproarious

fisticuffs. On top of that, the Pyle brothers, having come

to Sams side, got lost in the confusion, as well. This caused the boys to begin pushing each other. They, in turn,
bumped the table holding Sams beautiful 50 pound watermelon. The table began to fall, and the watermelon to
started rolling downhill like a giant green snowball.
Thats when it happened! You see, Otis had never gotten untangled from the vine that had ensnared his
leg. After the watermelon began rolling downhill, it gained enough momentum to drag Otis with it.
Dont worry though folks. Hes a little bruised and abraded, but he didnt feel a thing. Sadly, the
watermelon did not fare as well. Halfway down, it hit a rock and created an avalanche of pink pulp all over the
side of the hill. The fair citizens of Mayberry may have to wait a while before showing their faces at the County
Fair.

HOT DOG EATING

CONTEST
By Christine Ghisoiu

It is that time of the year again!!!

Our annual Mayberry Hot Dog Eating Contest is in

VS

full effect. If you would like to participate we have

two spots left. HURRY it will fill up fast! Lets give
our all time winner John Hicks a run for his money
this year. He has won for the past six years. Is there
anyone out there that can beat him? It will take

Remember to

place in Center Park at 3:00 pm. Make sure you

VOTE

apply your sunscreen, drink plenty of water, and

enjoy our favorite competition!

By Katia Flores

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Root Beer Banned from Mayberry

By Kelli Aston
At the annual Mayberry 4th of
July celebration, people were
lined up along Main Street with
banners, American flags, and ice
cold root beer. Barney Fife and
Andy Taylor were on hand to
keep the crowd under control, as
they know how root beer can
really start a party in our town!
Halfway through the parade
Barney spotted Otis speeding

along the street in his pickup

truck. He quickly pulled out his
water gun and demanded Otis
get out of the vehicle. He obeyed
and jumped out with a root beer
in hand, but the truck kept
moving! Barney, Otis, and Andy
were seen chasing the truck,
trying to stop it from mowing
down the entire town. Andy was
quick on his feet and was able to

jump in and stop the truck before

it reached the bake sale table
and ruined all of Aunt Beas pies.
An angry Andy climbed on top of
the truck and announced that
root beer was now banned from
Mayberry, so everyone will have
to pick another poison from now
on.

The Mayberry Weather Report

By Kirstin Sanchez
The town of Mayberry is famous for their unusual weather but
todays weather changed it all. This morning it was raining cats
and dogs! Ever since the town was established the whole month
of September would rain different breeds of cats and dogs.
Never has the town of Mayberry had a day outside of the month of September where it would like that,
until today. Residents of Mayberry were extremely confused on why there were cats and dogs on their
front yards.
This isn't the first odd thing to happen to our town. Meteorologists have predicted that we are in for a
whole week of abnormal weather. Tomorrow there will be a black portal appearing in the town parkwhere it leads to, nobody knows.

Animal Festival Escapee!

By Austin Strayer
As most of the citizens of Mayberry may already
know, the pandas that have been recently shipped
into town for the upcoming animal festival have
escaped from captivity. As they are mostly harmless
and lazy, officials have not made any official effort
to obtain the pandas from the city. So for the
upcoming week, please try and stay out of the way of these bears and please do not let your children
approach the bears. There has only been one recorded case of violence from the pandas, but this one
case only occurred because local Andy Shoomer tried to ride the panda down the street. Also, please
keep in mind that the pandas will make any attempt to steal food from your trash cans or even from
inside your stores, and although they are lazy, they can be crafty if not watched closely. In any regard,
please keep the peace with our new neighbors and enjoy the upcoming animal festival!
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The Water Thief

By Jesse Sanchez-Serge
Breaking News in Mayberry today, the water
thief has struck again- seven homes in one night. All
found broken into, with all of the water faucets
running, including the outside ones. Nothing was
stolen except the people's security and privacy. Just
a strange occurrence for the past few evenings;
leaving home owner's with monstrous bills.
After last night's string of water robberies,
the Water Company has posted a notice stating,
"Whatever on the bill is what must be paid- no
exceptions." This has led home owner's to believe
the water company themselves are behind this
scandal. Homeowner's are warned to lock all their
doors, even bathroom and bedroom doors. They
have also been advised to secure all faucets with
locks and chains, if possible, or to turn off their water
completely before leaving their house.
The city will be taking no cases or
complaints against the water district at this time, and
has told homeowners there is no problem with
paying a little extra. The water prices were going up
anyways.

Something in the Food?

By Heather Picardo

The town of Mayberry has been oddly happy

these days with all the laughing, and an unusual
amount of laziness. After investigations from Sheriff
Andy Griffith and Deputy Barnie Fife, they found that
the spaghetti being made for the cook-off contained
marijuana.

The sheriff and deputy were in need of some

extra help to figure out who the culprit was. After
many people came to tell what they knew, it was
found that there were marijuana plants mixed in with
the plants at the gardening club. It turns out Wiz
Khalifa convinced Betty White that she should add
the marijuana in place of the basil: knowing that
Aunt Bee would pick the leaves for her famous
spaghetti to take to the cook off. Wiz Khalifa and
Betty White are now in custody at the Mayberry Jail.

Bake Sale Success!

By Emmi S. Hartzell

The Mayberry Community Bake Sale was

a success, with the exception of a few mishaps.
Thelma Lou and Aunt Bea managed to salvage
what was left of the pies after a very intoxicated
Otis Campbell made his way through their wares.
Deputy Barnie Fife tried to help, but it was too
late.
Otis smashed through Aunt Beas
fresh baked Georgia peach pies. Oh, what a sight
it was! Otis and Deputy Fife were scrambling to
get up; slipping and sliding one way and the other.
Floyd Lawson, the local barber, tried to help but,
boy- did things sure get messy. Thelma Lou
was screaming for the sheriff before it got any
worse. And of course, here comes Goober and
Gomer thinking it was all fun and games, as they
decided to join in on the chaos.
Thelma Lou and Aunt Bea were trying to
save the cream pies, but Goober and Gomer got
to them first. Pies were being thrown in the air
and all of a sudden... smack!!! Aunt Bea ducked
and the sheriff walked right into Goobers cream
pie. Everyone froze. Sheriff didnt seem too
happy, but thank goodness he was still calm
enough to get everything under control. Everyone
chipped in and cleaned up the mess. Luckily
enough, Thelma Lou and Aunt Bea still managed
to sell enough pies and raise money for the towns
new picnic table.
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