RLM530:M.

DivPracticumI
PhilNellis&BethanyGardener
VocationalReflection
December2,2015

Storyteller,Storyhearer
Godwhisperedpoemsandstoriestomeasachild.IheardtheVoicethroughmy
mothersprayers,myfatherslessons,myteachersguidance.IlistenedtotheVoiceatnight
withmyheadundertheblankets,readingmyChildrensBiblewithaflashlightandstudyingthe
colorfulpictures.Theworldoutsidemywindow,inthetreesandbirdsongandcloudsplayedin
thestorytoo.Fromchildhoodtonow,Ihavedesperatelyclungtothatvoice,yearningforitand
relishingit.
IgrewupknowingthatJesuslovedme.Isangandreaditandknewitwastrue.At
church,Iwascherishedandbeloved,aprecociousandspiritualchildwhoreadthroughBibles
storiesliketheywereNancyDrewmysteries,whoalwaysvolunteeredtoprayandwholoved
everyaspectofbeingatchurch.AsIgrewolder,theyplacedmeoncommitteesandmademethe
starofnativityscenesandChristmasplays.IledBiblestudiesformypeers,taughtchildren,and
studiedwithadults.IknewIwouldbecomeamissionaryorayouthministerbecauseIflourished
here,andIlongedtobewhereIcouldbloom.
Butsoon,verysoon,Irealizedtherewerelinesnottocrossandlimitsfencingmein.
AskingSundaySchoolteachersabouthowevolutionfitinwiththeCreationstory,ifthe
dinosaursdidntmakeitontheark,orwhythefourGospelsweresodifferentthesewere
dangerousquestions.AskingmyyouthministerhowIcould
know
Iwassavedthisexpressed
toomuchdoubt,anddoubtdamagedmeintheireyes.Andatchurchandatschool,Ishined.

Affirmationshowereddownonmylikeagentlesummershower,andIwasdesperatetostay
drenchedinit.Imustnotwondertoomuch,fortowondermeanttowanderacrosstheline.
ThelimitsIfoundbyblindlyfeelingoutalltheboundariesaroundme,andIdiscovered
soonthatthisfencewasnotnamedyouthlikeIoriginallythought.Ithoughtthegatewould
opentomeasIgrewup,butnot.ThisfencewascalledwomanandIdidnothavethekeyto
escapeit.Mychurchandthepeople,nomatterhowmuchtheylovedme,wouldnotletmeout
forGodplacedmethere,andintheireyes,Godbuildthefence.Awomanmayteachchildrenor
otherwomen,butneverthemen.Awomanmayteachneverpreach.Awomandoesnot
shepherdtheflock.WhenIrealizedmyintellectandmygendermademedangerous,Ileftthe
SouthernBaptistchurch.Ididnotreturnduringoraftercollegebecausebythen,Iidentifiedas
feminist,asliberal,asprogressiveandthesewereevenmoredangerousthanbeingfemaleor
askingquestions.
AndsoIwandered,finally.IleftmycallingtoserveGodandGodschurch,theoneId
feltsincechildhood,behind.Ibecameahighschoolteacher,immersedinmyloveofteaching
andlanguageandliteratureandcommunity.IimaginedIwouldwritenovelsandpoemsoneday
too.Butmycalldidnotsufferabandonmentwellitfollowedme.Godpursuedme.
Yourcall,theVoicesaid,isnotsimplytoteachbeautifulwordsandtheartof
craftingthem.Youwillnotbecontenttoremainhere,readingstoriesbyothertellerslongdead.
No,yourstoriesmustbesharednow,andyouwillnotonlybeMystorytelleryouwillbeMy
storyhearer,andastoryhearerformany.Forasyouknow,dearchildthereisnogreaterjoy
thantobeseenandheardbysomeonewhoLoves.

WhenIleftteaching,IleftwithallthecertaintythatleavingwasexactlywhatIwas
meanttodo,butwithallthestaggeringuncertaintyofwhereIwouldendup.AsIleftteaching,
Idjustgottenengaged,andIhadjustlostalifelongfriendtocancer.SowhenIfoundmyselfin
myfirstsemesterofseminaryinAtlanta,Georgia,IresentedmyBaptistrootsandthechurchfor
historicalexclusionofwomen.Iwasstillactivelymourningatragicdeathandaskingterribly
difficultquestionsofaquietGod.AndIwaspassionatelysearchingforwheremyvoice,my
story,andmylisteningwouldbeofservicetoothers.Bytheendofthatyear,mygriefandmy
loveofstoriesplacedmeinhospitalchaplaincy.
Thechurchhadnotbeenasafehavenformeinmydoubtandgriefbutinsittingwith
thegrievingandthesickoutsideofthechurch,listeningtotheirstoriesandtellingmyown,I
couldhelpothersfindandfeelGodinthemidstofcrisis,asIhadsodesperatelylonged.Prayer,
pastoralcare,andpresencebecamemycallinvocation,asIhadfoundmyselfcaringand
listeningtomyfriendsandfamily.
WhenIfirstexperiencedCPEinsummer2014,Iwasnotsure.Itooktheinternship
becauseIhadtoseeifIcouldhandlethetraumaandgriefofothers.Ihadnoideathepersonal
workandgroupworkIdbedoinginadditiontothat.Butbytheendoftheexperience,Iknew.I
knewmyministrywouldbetobewiththesick,togrievewithfamilies,tolistentounheard
storiesandbeapresenceinthehospital,oneofGodsthinplacesinthisworld.Andby
remaininginCPEwork,theopportunitytoteach,topreach,andtocarewouldremain.Ifeltso
lonelywhengrievingLeeIyearnedtoshowthepresenceoftheHolySpirittoothersbyserving
asavesselofthatpresence.Mycertaintyinthishasnotshaken.

Yet,whenImovedtoWashingtonstate,cametothetheSeattleSchool,andbegan
attendingSt.PaulsEpiscopalchurchinBremerton,somethingunexpectedhappened.Ifellin
lovewithchurchagain.Ourritualsandpracticeswereancient,butourideologieswere
progressive.Mypriestwasawomanatattooed,mystical,introverted,passionatewoman.Inher,
IsawaglimpseofwhoIcouldbe.AsIimmersedmyselfintothecommunity,peoplelearnedI
wasaseminarianandsaid,Willyoubecomeapriest?Therewasnohesitation,noconditions
intheircuriosity.AndwhenIcamebeforethebishopandarchdeaconstobeconfirmed,people
listenedtomyquestionstoBishopRickelandthenapproachedMotherKathleentoaskabout
me.Weseesomethingspecialinher,theysaid.Therewerenolimitsbasedonmygenderthe
PresidingBishopatthetimewasfemale!Therewasnoshameinbeinganintellectual,amystic,
acontemplative,or(gasp)aliberalwithintheEpiscopalchurch,therearemanyofeach!
Themorepeoplewondered,themoreIimagined.Iservedatthealtarbesidemypriest,
andwatchedher.IfeltsomethingholyandjoyfulwhenIservedtheEucharist.IfeltGodspeak
throughmewhenIpreachedwordsandtearsflowedalmostalmostbeyondmywill,andmy
communitylistenedandweptwithme.WhenIfacilitatedaCommunionservicehereatschool,it
wasthehighlightofmyweek.FinallyIfoundmyselfwitnessingchurchstillflawed,still
human,stillmessybeingwhatIhadhopeditwouldbe.AndforthefirsttimeIwondered,could
thereberoomformehere?AndIdiscoveredIwantedit,desperately.
MypeersandleadersinPracticumhaveaffirmedtomethattheyexperiencemeas
gentle,welcoming,caringpresence.Myguidanceinacontemplativeexercisewasreceivedwell,
andIfoundthatgavemeasurprisingamountofjoy!Notonlytobeaffirmed,buttopracticeitat
all!MyPracticumcommunityhasalsohelpedcautionme.Beawareofyourvoice,they

suggested,anddonotbeafraidtosayno.Donotgivesomuchthatyouhavenothingleftfor
yourself.Donotfindyourcallingonlyinthevoiceofothersaffirmingyou.Listenforyourvoice
andthevoiceofGodasyoudiscern.Theseendeavorshavebeenongoing,evenbeforetheyarose
inourpracticumsetting.Iamacaregiver,ahelper,alistener,astorytelleranddreamer.Ihave
roomtogrowasaleader,aspeaker,administrator,andorganizer.Somanyspiritualpractices
bringmejoyandpeace,butIneedmoredisciplineandconsistencytocraftandlivemyRuleof
Life.Imustdiligentlyaccess,experience,andexploremyowntraumaevenasIhelpothers
throughtheirs.
Atthistime,IamsoearlyintheordinationprocessthatIdonotknowwhetheritisin
myfutureornot.ButIampassionateaboutmyrighttobeconsidered,andconfidentinGods
call,whetherIreceiveordersornot.Iknownowthereisroomformeinsidethechurch,whether
Ifindmyselfleadingitornot.AndIknow,finally,whattheDivineVoicehasbeenwhispering
tomeallalong.Tellyourstories,Hillary.TellMystoriesAndlistentostoriesaroundyou.
Peoplegathertohearstories.Storieshealandexciteandprovoke.Storiescanchangetheworld.