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Text from my

initial WP
submission:

An observation or
question I
received from De
Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote:

How this change


impacts my paper:

1. Written by
journalists, the
articles contain
analysis on trending
news topics regarding
sports.

The fan site isn't


necessarily by
journalists exclusively
-- they've got a
Fanposts section.

In the sentence, I
added that the
articles are written by
fans as well.

Since I added the


addition of fans being
writers for the
articles, I was able to
incorporate a new
paragraph including
how the writers
connect with the
audience. This
allows the reader to
be more engaged,
and the spread of
opinions to happen
more often.

2. The topic of the


Lakers tanking this
season has been
explored in the three
sources I have
chosen.

Already told me this.


Keep the train
rolling.

I got rid of this


sentence.

By eliminating
unnecessary
repetition, the reader
would be more
anticipated of the
next move, instead of
having to read the
same sentence (in
different words) all
over again.

3. The styles contrast

Use your topic


sentences to preview
what's coming up in
the paragraph -- it's a
way to guide your
reader through your
thought process, one
idea at a time.

The content within


each article is
different, but they all
relate to the topic of
marijuana
legalization.

I made this topic


sentence more clear
and direct, so the
reader understands
what is going to
appear in the
upcoming paragraph
and how it relates to
the argument.

This is pretty huge.


What implications
does this have for
writers, readers, and
people -- like us -studying writing?

I made this more of a


central argument by
creating a paragraph
dedicated to this in
the final draft.

By elaborating more
in depth about this
topic, it was able to
create more support
for the argument

between the scholarly


article and the online
editorial, but the two
academic articles also
present their
information with
distinct techniques.
4. A section for
comments on the
article is often posted
at the end. Many like
to share their opinion
on the topic, or say
why they disagree or

Worth addressing
that? Could that help
layer your argument
in any meaningful
way(s)?

agree. People not


familiar with this
genre may ask,
What is the purpose
in creating these
online opinion-based
sports articles?

5. By analyzing the
structure of each
piece, one can tell
apart a scholarly
article from a nonacademic media text
in this case online
newspaper editorials.
The title is the first
thing[2] to appear in
most texts. It is seen
even before starting
to read, and the larger
font grabs the
attention of the
reader. It gives a
clue...

When I see this


even before I start
readingI think,
Ahhhhhhh! Attack of
the page-long
paragraph!

I got rid of information


unrelated to the topic
sentence and thesis,
and I separated the
two main parts of this
paragraph into two
paragraphs.

By doing this, the


reader wont get lost
in the long
paragraph. I was
able to present the
argument more
clearly by creating
multiple, shorter
paragraphs.

6. The title is the first


thing to appear in
most texts

My advice: steer
clear of thing and
things in academic
writing

I deleted the word


thing.

It is not precise or
specific, and there
are better words to
replace it with.

7. The use of

Could it enhance to
*compare'n'contrast*
the titles of the pieces
in 1 paragraph?
Could that give your
reader more of a feel
of how these pieces
differ?

I created a separate
title explaining the
significance of the
title.

By doing this, I was


able to shorten the
really long paragraph.
Also, I was explaining
a few topics in that
one paragraph, so it
would make more
sense to break it up
so I can elaborate
more on each topic.

alliteration in the title


also adds on to the
casual feel, as the
variation of the backto-back words with
the same first letters
captures the readers
interest and adds a
sense of creativity.
The author probably
includes this move to
lighten the mood for
the rest of the

editorial. As on[1] e
starts to read the
editorial, a picture of
marijuana plants is
displayed, as well as
advertisements on the
side.
8. The journals are
broken down into an
introduction, methods
and results, and
discussion sections,
with sub-sections
written within those
parts.

What journals? You


haven't really
mentioned anything
about them besides
their titles in the Intro

I originally explained
the content of the
journals after this
paragraph, so I
switched it so that the
information about the
articles was
presented right after
the introductory
paragraph.

By letting the reader


know what the
articles were about
right away, they
would be more
familiar with what I
was trying to explain.
Also, I would be able
to go more in depth
about the articles
later on.

9. Economics-related

Nice use of the


quote here, but I'm
wondering -- alright,
so what? The jargon
is different... and???

I explained why
subject-specific
jargon was used -- so
it could relate to the
more serious,
academic audience.

Without this
explanation, it would
leave the reader
wondering why the
jargon even matters.

10. Through this


economics scholarly
article, current data is
used to estimate
future numbers.

What kind of data?


What kind of stats?
Be specific

I added, ...current
data from marijuana
sales in the illegal
market is used to
estimate future
numbers.

Being more specific


allows the reader to
know what is going
on, and it keeps them
from guessing.

11. Since scholarly

Getting into
affordances and
constraints is a great
idea -- weaving this
throughout your
whole paper could
enhance your
paper/argument

I used affordances
and constraints as
part of my overall
argument.

By doing this, I was


able to introduce
specific moves I
would use throughout
the essay to support
my claim in the thesis
statement. My
original thesis
statement presented
no clear argument,
and it was super
vague.

diction is used in this


article, such as, In a
free market such a
profit margin would
be fleeting
(Flister, 97).

articles and
mainstream media
texts are tailored
towards a targeted
audience, each has
limitations and
constraints that a
reader not associated
with the specific
audience may find.

12. Each source is

written in a unique
style in terms of
context of each piece
and the data
presentation, while
offering different
insight in a way that
is effective and
appeals to each
targeted audience.

Id like you to have


a more deliberate
argument at hand -finding out what,
exactly, youre
trying to convince
me of might also
help you to think
about what kind of
structure/organizati
on would be best
suited to laying out
that argument from
the start to the
finish.

Although each
source has unique and
different contexts that
take a stance on the
legalization of
Marijuana, the
process of creating
scholarly articles is
constrained because
of its structured
format, collection of
data, and subjectrelated jargon they
have to abide to-moves that limit
scholarly articles to a
small audience -while the writers of
mainstream media
texts can afford to
have an attractive
format, the
acceptance of
opinions, and easy
access to the piece
that allow the genre
to appeal to a larger,
general audience.

I made this thesis a


lot more specific,
introducing moves
that I would use to
support the
argument. This way,
the reader would
know how the
argument plays out.

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