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LUCY LAWRIE
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For Arlene
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Acknowledgements
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1
Janey
I cant even remember what I was thinking about, walking
along that corridor to the classroom in those last few
moments before everything changed. Pips meltdown over his
supermarket-brand fish fingers, perhaps. Or the fact that he
needed a new coat, now that the weather had turned. Did I
have an inkling of what was coming a tingling in the skin, or
an adrenaline swoop in the stomach? Surely there must have
been some part of me that knew.
Room 12 was the last on the right, brightly lit after the
gloom of the corridor, with paintings and collages crowding
the walls, and a stretch of windows overlooking a rainswept
playground. Twisty wire creations hung low from the ceiling,
casting filigree shadows on the surface of the large square
table that stood in the middle of the room.
Four people were sitting round it already.
Oooh, hello! said the woman nearest me, who looked
vaguely familiar with her rounded cheeks and long front teeth.
Are you new? Sit down.
She motioned to the stool beside her.
I edged my way round, past a lifesize papier mch goat
and a row of newly painted Punch and Judy-style puppets,
gazing from a shelf.
The woman shot me an appraising look. Youre very smart.
I was wearing my one still-presentable work suit grey with
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No, really...
Were down a couple. A coopell. The Smythes have
dropped out.
Oh well, if the Smythes have dropped out...
I took the form out of my bag. Um ... I was looking for
How to Write a Killer CV and Ace that Interview.
He peered at it and shook his head, frowning. Thats C808.
That runs from November sixth. This is C806. The Art
of
Yes. Yes, I know.
The admin staff arent the best. They cant work the new
website. Sorry about that.
Its fine, honestly, Ill
He gestured towards Jody and Tom, cutting me off midfluster. His hands seemed too big for his body, white and
knuckly.
Were just playing around with materials today. Would you
like to stay? Sorry, I didnt catch your name?
Janey.
He looked me straight in the eye then, and something
happened. It was as though thered been a buzzing in the
room, through my body, my mind, so constant that I hadnt
noticed it. For months. Years. A whole weary lifetime, maybe.
And hed just flicked a switch and turned it off. Stillness.
Silence. Just my own heart beating.
And now I think about it, maybe that was it: the stillness
made way for what was about to happen, letting it rise like a
bubble to the surface.
But in that moment, all I could do was watch as he crossed the
room, reached into a cupboard and came back to the workbench
with a sheet of A3 paper and a packet of colouring pens.
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about this bloody government and how theyd singlehandedly ruined the country.
I looked down. What was this Id drawn? Another figure, a
black scribble, stood at the end of the skipping rope. She was
smaller than the first, with straight hair, and a wavy line where
the mouth should have been.
A little crawling sensation down my neck.
Oh, I said.
There must have been something in my voice, because
the half-mummified Jody stepped off her plastic sheet and
moved, haltingly, over to my bench. She stood close enough
that I could smell the gluey tang coming from her bandages.
So if thats you, she said, pointing to the first girl. Whos
that other one?
I gave a tight little laugh. I have absolutely no idea. I didnt
mean to draw this.
Steve craned his head round to see the picture straight on.
And then he moved, right round beside me so his shoulder
was almost touching mine.
I stared at the paper.
Hey, said Steve, tapping my arm gently with the end of the
pale-blue pen. You might want to breathe.
My left hand lifted the pen and stiffened as I tried and
failed to take control of it.
Who are you, little girl? boomed Jody.
Thanks for that, Jody, began Steve. I think
Who are you? I repeated, in barely a whisper under my
breath.
My hand wrote five spindly words:
YOU KNOW WHO I AM
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2
Hatties Diary, 1989
Authorised readers: Janey Johnston
Unauthorised readers: STOP and think how you would
feel if an unauthorised person read your most private,
intimate thoughts. YES JUST STOP.
Thursday, September 7th
My new piano teacher, Miss Fortune, gave me this notebook
today. Its meant to be so I can record moments of musical
inspiration. So if I hear something interesting, going about
my everyday life, I can write it down and make up a musical
composition about it later. The examples she gave were (1)
a blackbird singing in the garden, and (2) a man dropping
stones in a well.
But I dont want to be a composer. So Im going to write
about strange happenings in everyday life. Starting with HER.
The lesson didnt get off to a good start, because I
heard Mum being rude about me when Miss Fortune was
showing her out. Theyd left me in the music room a big
room at the front of the flat that smelled of cigarettes and
cats. Miss Fortune said something I couldnt hear, and then
Mum laughed and said, Im not expecting miracles. Shes
not going to be another James, we know that. Just do what
you can. Thank you so much.
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Then the door of the flat clanged shut and Miss Fortune
came back into the room. She was wearing a dress with
flowers on it, kind of belted in at the waist with a long,
sticking-out skirt. Shes quite old-fashioned, looks like she
should have oven gloves and be smiling and taking a pie out
of the oven. That kind of old-fashioned.
I suddenly thought of her sitting on the toilet, having to hold
that big skirt out of the way. The wheesh-wheeshing sound.
I stared down at the music case on my lap and tried to
think of Amadeus with his hairball, dying in surgery. But in
fact I didnt even have to think about that, because I hate
my new music case so much. Its brown, with a leather
handle that feels like a rats tail.
Miss Fortune sat down next to me and lifted her
eyebrows.
So! You are Hattie. Ha-ri-e-tta. You and I are going to
have the most wonderful time. While were in this room,
were on a flying carpet. It will take us wherever we want to
go. All around the world! Back in time for tea! Anywhere!
All we need is our imaginations.
She raised her hands, as though to say, What are you
waiting for? And thats when I noticed it. Her right hand
was all withered. Some of the fingers were too small, and
twisted inwards.
I looked away quickly down at the rug, which didnt
look anything like a flying carpet. It was green with gold
stripes through it, faded at the end nearest the window.
What can you play? she said.
I did my grade four last year. I did pieces by... They
were all so boring, I couldnt remember. Theyre in my, er,
music case.
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