Running Head: THE CONCEPT OF SELF-ESTEEM

The Concept of Self-Esteem

Dewi Blanco
April 11, 2015
Pacific Oaks College
HD 341: Communication for Empowerment
Theresa Rochambeau

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Introduction

In this paper I will explore the topic of self-esteem. As a teacher of young children the
concept of building identity and self-esteem comes up often. In early childhood education we set
the foundation for the childs learning. Developing a healthy self-concept begins in the early
years of exploration and wonder. I believe that by understanding the concept of self-esteem I can
better help children develop their own. However, I have also learned the importance of building
my own self esteem and grounding my identity in order to provide a healthier example for the
children I am learning with.
I began my research asking myself three questions: What is self-esteem? What lowers
self-esteem? And, what raises self-esteem? I was clear on the definition of self-esteem. I defined
it as an inner understanding of self, our own abilities, talents, interests and even our faults. Upon
answering the questions of what lowers and raises self-esteem, I became aware that a lot of my
self-esteem is contingent on external sources. I also realized that my assumptions about the way
others see me affect the way that I see myself. Whether my assumptions are correct or not, I still
feel affected by them.
After processing my own responses to these questions I proceeded to interview five
people. The participants in my study varied in age, gender and professional occupation. I saw
myself reflected in these interviews, I learned a lot from each of their responses. I also related
the answers to their questions to literature available on the concept of self-esteem, on parenting
and communication. Studying self-esteem allows us to learn about peoples perceptions of
themselves, of self-esteem as a concept and about the effect that others can have on a persons
self-esteem.

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Literature Review

Virginia Satir in The New Peoplemaking defines self-esteem as the ability to value ones
self and to treat oneself with dignity, love and reality (Satir, 1988, p. 22). Every person has a
feeling of self-worth, positive or negative, however, Satir recognized how difficult it can be to
open up the conversation of our self-esteem, or feelings in general. She uses a metaphor of a pot,
one that she related to a pot from her youth. She explains how one could say my pot is low on
a day when they are not feeling confident on themselves, this as a way to be more comfortable,
released from our cultures taboo against talking about ones feelings (Satir, 1988, p. 21).
The question of what lowers self-esteem brought to my attention how external sources
have a deep effect on a persons image of self. This brought me to Alfie Kohns book,
Conditional Parenting, he argues that when the love is earned those on the receiving end of
such love come to disown the parts of themselves that arent valued. Eventually they regard
themselves as worthy only when they act (or think or feel) in specific ways (Kohn, 2005, p. 20).
He speaks of children who turn into praise junkies who even as adults continue to rely on
other people for validation, feeling thrilled or crest fallen depending on whether a spouse, a
supervisor or someone else in whom they have vested power tells them theyve done a good job
(Kohn, 2005, p. 40). He then goes on to say Contingent self-esteem seems to result from being
esteemed contingently by others. [] When children feel theyre loved by their parents only
under certain conditions a feeling typically evoked by the use of love-withdrawal techniques
and positive reinforcement its very hard for them to accept themselves (Kohn, 2005, p. 45).
In relation to low self-esteem, Satir comments that feeling low and not admitting it is a form of
lying to yourself and others. Devaluing your feelings this way is a direct link to devaluing
yourself, thus deepening the conditions of low pot (Satir, 1988, p. 24).

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Virginia Satir recognized that family dynamics and parenting can have an effect on how
people learn to see themselves. However, she recognizes that happily, it is possible to raise
anyones self-esteem, no matter what ones age or condition. Since the feeling of low worth has
been learned, it can be unlearned, and something new learned in its place. [] at any point in a
persons life, she or he can begin to learn higher self-worth (Satir, 1988, p. 27).
Body image is a relevant aspect of a girl/womans self-esteem. According to the
Womens Sports Foundation, a New York- based advocacy group for womens athletics, girls
who are active in athletics have higher self-esteem, more confidence, higher achievements test
scores, less depression, improved mental health, more academic success, and as if that werent
enough, greater lifetime earning potential (Martin, 2007, p. 41). In accepting body image the
book The Complete Idiots Guide to Enhancing Self-Esteem says that some of your attributes
you can change, but dont change in an attempt to be accepted by others. Accept yourself and
recognize your own attractiveness (Warner, 1999, p. 150).
Finally, in order to raise our own self-esteem, Satir shares steps to begin accepting our
imperfect selves, then you need to forgive yourself for past mistakes and give yourself
permission to change, knowing that things can be different. Third, make a decision to change
things (Satir, 1988, p. 18).

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Methodology

The people I chose to represent my study of self-esteem represent people who are
important to me, but also people different enough from each other I thought could explore selfesteem from different perspectives. I enjoyed the conversations that stemmed from the initial
interview and found myself using the questions as the opener for further conversation. I
interviewed nine people and chose five to include in my study.
Participant A is a good friend of mine. He is single, 43 year old male, he has one adult
stepson and 2 teenage kids. Through conversations I became interested in learning more about
his perceptions of self-esteem as a concept as well as the way he saw himself. I found that our
interview started and made him a little tense, as the conversation continued he became more
open and relaxed. However, I worried that he was feeling self-conscious about answering
questions or that he might be judged for his opinions of himself. I tried my best to make him feel
comfortable and we moved out of the conversation and went back as he would bring the
conversation back up.
My next participant, Participant B, was a 14 year old boy, he is in the autism spectrum. I
babysit him and I chose to interview him because I was curious if being in the spectrum would
impact the way he sees himself. He took the questions very seriously and formal. He wanted to
get through the questions as fast as he could. I tried to make him as comfortable as I could, but it
was obvious that he felt the tension of having to talk about himself.
Participant C is a 26 year old male. He is single and a preschool teacher. He is my
coworker and a good friend. I have talked to him in the past about the subject of self-esteem, he
is very reflective and has helped me in dealing with my personal issues with the subject. In this

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interview we talked for over 20 minutes on the concept of self-esteem. I was curious to see how,
as a male in close proximity to many children, he saw himself as a person and as a role model for
the children that he cares for.
My fourth participant, Participant D, is a twelve year old girl. I am her babysitter and
have been caring for her since she was four years old. I have seen her changing her attitudes, way
that she dresses and was wondering if she would be open enough to talk about her personal
feelings as well as her perspective of self-esteem as a concept for her and her demographics. We
talked in her room, we had one of our tea parties in which we usually take the time to talk to each
other about life in general. I hoped that having that rapport of conversations would allow her to
feel free to enter the conversation openly. I noticed that even after the official interview ended
she came back to the conversation and brought things up, she needed time to process the
questions as we continued to share time together.
For my last participant, Participant E, I chose one of my close friends. She is 32 years
old, single female. I was curious to see the way that she could relate to the concept of self-esteem
as a single female who has been making changes to her appearance by working out. I wondered
if her changes in appearance and lifestyle had changed her view of herself and self-esteem as a
concept.

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Results

In my conversation with my first participant, I began by asking what his definition of

self-esteem. He shared that he felt that he thought self-esteem is a double edged sword, he said;
the definition is how you feel about yourself, but most self-esteem is based on how you feel
other people feel about you. When I asked him about how to lower self-esteem he replied that
this is part of his definition, he mentioned that one of the things that lower your self-esteem is
how others perceive you, he used the word self-loathing. I questioned that word, it seemed like a
very strong word. He replied that a person who has a low self-esteem has the capacity to hate
themselves or hate things about themselves. He said that being unhappy in your life, or seeing
people who are more successful than you are, but that you think you are equal to also lowers
self-esteem. I asked if this meant making comparisons to others, he said yes. My next question
about what raises self-esteem allowed him to talk about other things that were more positive, he
said that success and even the smallest endeavor will raise your self-esteem, being able to
complete objectives or overcoming adversity. This is when he began talking more candidly, he
said I think we put too much emphasis on self-esteem. It allows us to put blame on the
intangible, it exists but doesnt really. Coping mechanism allows us to put the blame somewhere
else, other than ourselves. We dont look at it as part of ourselves.
My next participant answered the questions very directly. His definition is that selfesteem is the way you think about yourself, he called it ego. He asked for the next question,
wanted to move on from question to question. I asked for what lowers self-esteem. He said,
like if someone said trash to you, someone made you feel bad for something, or you thought
you could do and then you go and try it and you fail horribly, stuff like that. When I asked about
what could raise your self-esteem he began saying things like winning the FIFA world cup in

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soccer, so I asked him specifically for himself. He said that if you get something you have been
waiting for or complete something really hard. You are really good at doing something
compared to someone else. If I win an event on a video game, or finishing school, knowing that
Im good enough to go to college. When people think about me positively in general, they know
that Im a nice guy and not a complete asshole, and they respect me for that.
Participant C gave me direct answers, his definition of self-esteem was: the way that I
think of myself and the merits and strengths that I have whether it is viewed from a weak
perspective or from a place of pride. His answers for what lowers self-esteem were
introspective, misunderstanding failure, moods, and connections both social and personal. Our
views through societys lens can lower self-esteem. The media. Whether it is internal or not,
nobody is perfect, so ultimately there will be time where the way we view ourselves will be
skewed by the way we notice others perception of us. Next I asked what can raise self-esteem
and he replied: finding the positive, doing positive actions, keeping boundaries, selfactualization, maintaining healthy relationships, both personal and social. Self-affirmation.
My next participant was a bit reluctant at first. When I asked what her definition of selfesteem is her answer was short, believing in yourself. When I asked what she thinks lowers
self-esteem she just said it is when you are not impressed with yourself, or if people make fun
of you. Next I asked what raises self-esteem. She began saying that getting compliments about
yourself and your personal appearance, then you want to look at yourself more. The
conversation ended and a few minutes later she brought it up again, she said there are songs that
raise your self-esteem, the lyrics can make you feel better about yourself. She mentioned the
song All about that bass as one of those songs, because it says every inch of you is perfect
from the bottom to the top I asked her about the boy part of the song, she replied that it just

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makes the song more rude, but she likes that it says you are perfect no matter what, you are fat
but its okay cause boys like the fat booty, but then she calls skinny girls the b word, so then if
you are a skinny person then you dont feel so good. Its targeting only certain people, and
Megan Trainor just likes fat butts, even in the other songs, so I dont know, I guess it only works
if you are fat, but then if you are skinny then you might wish you had a big butt. So I guess it
contradicts itself, it raises self-esteem but it also can lower it.
My last participant has made many changes in her life, but coincidentally she had just had
a difficult day which affected her self-esteem, she mentioned that when I sent her the questions
she was affected and gave me very brief answers. She said she would tell me about the
experience at another time, but she needed to process her experience first and was self-conscious
to have it be a part of my paper. For her definition she said that Self-esteem is selfappreciation, respect and honor. When I asked what can lower self-esteem she said: when
someone or something you value does not see the value in me. Her response to what could raise
self-esteem was different, she described it as an introspective work, learning the type of person I
am and accepting it despite what others might feel or think.
The varied answers all came from different perspectives, but with similar themes. They
all mentioned an appreciation of self, while also the way that there are outside factors that can
also affect the way that a person will sees themselves. The literature shone some light about how
everything relates for me. I asked myself the three questions and wondered how I could change
my own point of view about the concept of self-esteem as well as my own self-esteem. I
compared the study questions with the literature to find the relevant issues.

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Analysis

This research allowed me to find some interesting common themes on self-esteem as a

concept and make a distinction with the experiences of each person. The experiences of their
own self-esteem could be related to comparisons to others, negative messages from outside
sources, spoken or perceived and finally the media as a factor.
My own responses to the questions in the survey, as well as some of the answers from my
participants showed me that there were discrepancies between the understanding of self-esteem
as a concept, and their personal experience of self-esteem. The interviews with others showed
that when being asked what the definition of self-esteem is, a person can generally give a
positive more objective response, one which is in line with the definitions I found in the
literature. There were answers like self-appreciation, believing in yourself, the way I see
myself. When being asked for details about what can lower and raise the persons self-esteem,
the answers were more related to their personal experiences with their own self-esteem. There
was the theme of external input, what others say or think about you affecting the way you see
yourself, the media as presenting an ideal, looking for reinforcements and praise from others to
feel your work is valuable.
The recurring theme in the answers of external input having an effect on self-concept,
something that should come from within, brought me to the family structure. Alfie Kohn
expressed how those on the receiving end of [conditional love] come to disown the parts of
themselves that arent valued (Kohn, 2005, p. 20). Seeking the approval of the adults in the
family could raise us to believe that we are only valuable if we are appreciated by others, even as
adults we continue to search for that external approval. It seems to me that self-concept is

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internal point of view, therefore, our feelings of worth shouldnt fluctuate depending on
accomplishments or acknowledgements by others.
Media as an ideal of beauty and image has affected my self-image and was mentioned by
some of my participants. I was fascinated by the answer by participant D who brought up a song
that is meant to be an acknowledgment of beauty, empowering body image, irrespective of what
your appearance is. I appreciate how she was able to connect like that she made the relationship
to how, regardless of what the song said, someone would feel left out. I had thought about this
song as well, but what was interesting to me in the song was the part where it says cause a boy
likes a little more booty to hold at night, which vests a man the power to think her body is
valued (Trainor & Kadish, 2014). About this the literature showed there are different, more
positive ways to empower womens self-image, particularly athletics which surprisingly not
something usually encouraged in women.
I think the misconceptions of self-esteem were very well articulated by Participant A who
expressed how self-esteem as a concept can be used as an excuse for certain failures, just the way
that those failures can cause lower self-esteem. It seemed like a vicious cycle difficult to break. I
could see how this would happen, we are raised to seek approval and when it is not found we dig
ourselves deeper into depression and self-loathing, which in turn makes it more difficult to
value our own perceptions, thoughts and even the faintest glimpses of what could grow to be
improved self-esteem. I find that the language we use, which we think is helping children have a
healthy high self-esteem, praising them for being so smart and so talented, and how we love what
they do, may be helping continue that cycle. By emphasizing how smart and talented they are,
we may indeed be damaging the way they see themselves in the long run. If, like Participant B
expressed, they try something and fail, they might think their entire identity is on the line,

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perhaps they are not as smart and talented as they were told they were. They might refrain from
trying new things, or exploring their creativity fearing failure. In my own experience, even when
I may find encouragement in the words of others, praise even, I find it difficult to believe that I
am worthy of those compliments, and the opportunities I receive in my path to learning and
professional development.
This study is significant to me personally as it has allowed me to reflect on my own
experiences through the lens of the literature and the conversations I had with others. It could
also be eye-opening to others who may still be looking for ways to improve the way they see
themselves. This research opened my eyes to the holes in reasoning in my own low self-esteem,
it is empowering me to seek ways to improve my own self-concept. When I looked at the
answers that each of my participants gave me, I could see their personalities being reflected, the
same way that my own answers reflected my personality and self-esteem issues. I am reassured
by Virginia Satirs words it is possible to raise anyones self-esteem [] since the feeling of
self-esteem is learned, it can be unlearned, and something new learned in its place (Satir, 1988,
p. 27). I would be interested in learning more about how our self-concept is affected by external
sources and how to empower each person to seek for self-realization starting from within.
In conclusion, I think that learning and understanding self-esteem as a concept, and
reflecting on our own experiences of self-image can aid in the improvement of self-esteem by
unlearning the negative messages and learning new ways to view the person. As a teacher,
reflecting on my own identity can allow me to be more open and prepared to support the building
of identity in the children I care for. In self-actualization I can better balance, a role model and
teacher supporting the continual learning process.

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References

Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and
reason. New York, NY: Atria Books.
Martin, C. E. (2007). Perfect girls, starving daughters: the frightening new normalcy of hating
you body. New York, NY: Free Press.
Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent communication. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.
Satir, V. (1988). The new peoplemaking. Mountain View, CA: Science and Behavior Books, Inc.
Trainor, M., & Kadish, K. (2014). All about that bass [Recorded by M. Trainor]. Nolensville,
Tenessee: Carriage House Studios.
Warner, M. J. (1999). The complete idiot's guide to enhancing self-esteem. New York, NY:
Macmillan Publishing.