Upon reflecting on my own adolescence I recall a generalized but strong sense of uneasiness

within myself as an individual, and even more specifically in regard to how I was supposed to
navigate the territory of social interactions at all, but especially when it came to boys.
During my middle school years, my main resource for cues on this type of interaction came
from my immediate and extended family, who were not particularly healthy or skilled at any
form of successful relationships-at all. I received the most direct messages and examples from
my older sister, either through our conversations, her implied dos and donts, or through my
daily observations of her and her friends, then eventually between her and her boyfriends.
Unfortunately, since we had active alcoholism in our family, many of those suggestions or
behaviors were painfully misguided, and did nothing to permit healthy, well-adjusted interactions
(with anyone, in any capacity).
Aside from my sister, I had one close, long time female friend in middle school that provided
suggestions as to how to date, but relying on her for relationship advice and instruction was not
so wonderful. In all fairness, how much can be expected from a twelve-year old girl?
Our process was based on the fact that everyone-meaning girls-somehow, intuitively just
knew that it was necessary to have a boyfriend. This was accomplished by surveying the
population and then selecting someone in school who looked like a suitable match. From there,
gossip ensued, mostly second or third party messages which were directed at said target
boyfriend and his friends, so that he would know that somebody liked him. That indicated
that his duty was to then take that information and act upon it, in order to make a boyfriend and
girlfriend idea into a reality (I am laughing, shaking my head and feeling a little queasy

simultaneously, as I write this). This was the way it went, and sadly, that is how I ended up with
my first boyfriend (whom I hardly knew at all, really) in the seventh grade.
Most of the people I knew fulfilled these expectations. I did not feel pressured to participate,
so much as I understood that it was just a given, and so it was merely accepted. I really am
uncertain as to how or why this was true, but it was simply the culture and social scaffolding
which existed for us.
At that point, I was still a good student; this was just about the time in my life where I had
not yet started drinking alcoholically. I was frequently experimenting with alcohol, sometimes
smoking cigarettes, and very rarely smoking marijuana, but boys were not present for any of this.
Remarkably, I was something of a Miss Priss type then: very shy, uncertain of myself and
in many ways, emulating my older sister. I even dressed like a highly conservative adult, in
office attire: glen plaid pencil skirts with fuzzy sweaters and high heels; so bizarre (I am again
feeling icky, as I write this)! I was like a miniature woman, at twelve years old. I looked like a
secretary (in those days, there were no administrative assistants-only secretaries). I wanted to
be grown up, so I was dressing and acting the part, the best I could.
Just as is stated in our text in terms of identity and self-consciousness, I was most certainly in
a stage of trying to find a social identity for myself. I was also worried about what people would
think. There was no sexual activity then-if a boy even wanted to hold my hand, I was very
resistant due to anxiety and self-consciousness. I specifically remember thinking that passers-by
would see us and think it was ridiculous: two little kids, walking down the street hand in hand.

Looking back now, I can also identify a quieter undertow to my resistance; of not wanting to
venture into anything that could lead to sexual behavior-it was not appealing to me then, and I
felt it was vaguely wrong to do. I now believe that I innately knew that I was not ready, and it
did feel like pressure. I still felt like and perceived myself as a kid in many ways, and so I was! I
was only twelve.
So, in terms of romantic interactions at that time, none really existed. The
boyfriend/girlfriend status was essentially in name only. There was a brief time period where I
did get to moderately know this boy, after we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend, but it
was not a mature, meaningful, connection-we were in no way, developmentally or cognitively at
that level. It was a more childlike friendship with some curiosity about romantic relationships,
but I was not ready to investigate that. Nothing went beyond the realm of walks home followed
by a hug, or some non-intimate kissing. I do not even recall how or why we inevitably broke
up. It was a short-lived, temporary experiment of little substance and no consequence.
Upon examination now, I know that I was not comfortable in the roles that I was expected to
take on. There was no sense of having power over myself. I naturally, automatically and without
question assumed the societal roles that existed for girls. Never did it occur to me to question or
address my discomfort-which I could not clearly identify anyway. I did not have any trusted
adults present to listen to me or offer sound advice.
These feelings seemed to accelerate my inclination toward alcohol. Drinking was one of the
ways I silently, secretly acted out and escaped the discomforts of my adolescence. I enjoyed
being bad, and covertly rebellious. I had a deep, subtle anger and a vague, slowly brewing
discontentedness, but I did not know why it existed or how to describe it.
3

This dual-identity also served to quell feelings of anxiety at trying to be socially accepted.
The group that I was involved with fell within the middle of the extremes. We were not the wild,
hard partiers who had sex, overtly drank and used drugs, ran with gangs and did very poorly
academically; nor were we among the super innocent, nave and socially awkward kids. I was in
limbo, experiencing both the need to fit in, but also trying to find some measure of quiet within
myself and my mind.
My personal biological makeup may have made things a bit different for meI felt a lot of
inner turmoil, but had no coping skills or awareness. I was unsure of how to resolve any of this
and I generally attempted not to outwardly exhibit it. I can also see now that I was experiencing
mania and extreme changes in mood. Interacting with boys affected this, frequently prompting or
increasing my mania. There was no way of knowing then that I was a merely a burgeoning,
undiagnosed bipolar alcoholic (!), but by this stage my mental health was certainly not within a
normal range.
Our text discusses issues of this nature to some degree. It may have been helpful if the
authors elaborated on the diversity of mental health problems beyond the topics of unipolar
depression and anxiety, although I can also understand how this goes beyond the scope of our
book. Still, the information on p. 55 was entirely applicable to my adolescence: prolonged
stress (and my response to it, which was drinking) rendered emotional disturbances, and
These coping strategies can become harmful if chronic symptoms of anxiety or depression
develop, or if behaviors such as overeating, self-injury (cutting), alcohol or other drug useoriginally started to distract from uncomfortable emotions-become compulsive or habitual. This
all became my truth, and would remain so throughout my later adolescence and adulthood.

At fourteen my parents (astonishingly) allowed me to briefly date an eighteen year old boy.
Shortly thereafter, I dated a nineteen year old-later that same year. Dating older boys made
access to alcohol much easier. That was a prime motivator, and I truly believed that I was mature
enough to handle dating boys older than I was. I felt sophisticated and that I had outgrown boys
my age as well as most of my female friends. I can see now too, that the expectation for girls was
to behave and carry themselves in a more mature way than boys. The concept from our book,
that the physical appearance of maturity as a female was incongruent to my emotional maturity,
was completely true. It seemed to also serve to alleviate any concern regarding the age
difference, or provide an excuse which made it acceptable for a minor child to date an adult.
Fortunately for me, the eighteen year old was extremely religious so he did not ever press for
any sexual activity-he wanted to get married-how alarming is that!? Oddly, I felt no real
closeness or connection with him. I was disconnectedly going through the motions of what I
thought I was supposed to be doing: dating. It was very short term and not at all memorable.
The relationship with the nineteen year old was much more serious, enmeshed and for a
while, included my uninformed, adolescent ideals of love and sex. The impropriety of this is
making me a bit nauseous as I look back upon it; it was illegal, but no one seemed to take issue
with that-which is truly disappointing. The relationship lasted steadily for about a year and a half,
then became on and off (he cheated).
I ended up meeting a new boyfriend with whom I forged a much closer, deeper, intimate
relationship bond and connection to when I was accepted to an arts high school in Los Angeles.
In this school, the social rules and structure of a normal high school were completely
nonexistent, experimental, and very fluid amongst the students. It was truly a wild, free-for-all
5

with few consequences, partly because administrators, teachers and staff rarely provided or
enforced structure. The demanding, rigorous curriculum, long travel time there and back and a
standard for excellence that was fiercely elevated was very stressful, especially for adolescents.
We got away with a lot (too much) and once again, I was given more than I could cognitively or
emotionally handle. My drinking increased steadily and that, combined with my relationship
with my boyfriend provided a lot of opportunities for emotional escape.
The expectations of a sixteen year old girl at that point/at that school in addition to having a
social life were: to prove her intellectual and artistic worthiness, and to actively plan for future
education/career, setting very high goals. Physical attractiveness was important to an extent, but
individualistic personal styles of clothes and overall appearance were absolutely anything-goes
and students were unusually accepting of each others differences.
Girls there were also not hyper-sexualized, for example: there were no cheerleaders because
there were no sports teams of any kind; there were no school colors or pep rallies. The popularity
contests which are notoriously common in normal high schools did not exist at my school, and
the number of students was very small and driven by their artistic disciplines.
There were different personalities and groups, but there was no baseline expectation for peer
relationships. Remarkably, it was a very close-knit, supportive community. There was an unusual
level of kinship and lack of snarkiness, even though it was all teenagers. I think that was largely
due to most students previously feeling unable to fit in at normal high schools, where they felt
completely at odds and unable to relate. The need to audition for admission somewhat equalized
the student body and gave them a sense of all belonging there. In this school, they were no longer
weirdoes or in the misunderstood minority of artists, dancers, musicians or actors.
6

As I write, I am thinking back and trying to identify my close high school friends, but I
am realizing that I kept most people at a distance. My boyfriend and I created our own, small
reality, which revolved very closely around each other, and we enjoyed keeping people out and
focusing our energies on each other. It was not so much a conscious decision as a natural
inclination which I think existed due to both of us having alcoholism and emotional
imbalances/mental illness. We had an intensity for art, drinking and each other-that was about it.
We both felt completely abandoned and stranded, which is sadly true, as we were completely
on our own at early ages. We both came from families that had bitter divorces and alcoholism
present for years, and these sicknesses within us forged a strong bond of trust and intimacy,
however troubled we were individually. It was at times, difficult, painful and beautiful, even
though we did not have the emotional maturity or fortitude to successfully deal with life or
participate in successful, mature adult relationships. We knew that we were unfailingly loyal and
drawn to each other, and naively believed that this fact would suffice.
We moved to Boston after high school where he was accepted to art school, lived together,
and stayed gainfully employed; we were semi-functional/successful at carrying out adult
responsibilities, despite the fact that we were still adolescents. Unfortunately, I suffered a lifethreatening assault there, and in addition to that, our individual problems became
insurmountable. Our already turbulent relationship became even more chaotic and we were both
growing worse in terms of alcoholism and progressing, untreated mental illness.
We broke up and reunited repeatedly over the next several years until we were eventually
engaged, but when we were both twenty two years old, he died from a heroin overdose. I had no
idea whatsoever that he was involved with using that drug, and it was absolutely devastating.
7

SoI feel fortunate for the resources that are availed to me at school, because, it is no
exaggeration to say that I am, in my own experience, completely ignorant to healthy adolescent
development.
My family and other circumstances which are specific to me presented other issues and ways
in which I processed much of my life for years, but definitely and especially during my
adolescent development-which is hard enough for those who are normal. I missed out on a lot
of learning at the usual or more appropriate times, but I now know that it is never too late.
I know with unshakable clarity how fortunate I am to have made it to this point at all; people
die from alcoholism and drug addiction constantly, and bipolar disorder can certainly complicate
an already difficult path. My life was utterly meaningless until I began actively treating my
alcoholism and bipolar disorder. I am beyond lucky and tremendously grateful to have gotten and
stayed sober since 2003; all of my experiences were necessary for me to arrive to the present day.
More and more, I feel compelled to work in some capacity with adolescents, and hope that
my purpose may be even more sharply defined and contoured by my own experiences, which
give me a specific set of qualifications. I made it beyond some difficult times, and have healed in
a large part due to the incredible empathy, generosity and help of professionals-both medical
doctors and therapists. The education that I am getting now is the perfect supplement to help me
find ways to be useful, and it is my hope that my experiences can serve some semblance of
assistance to others. OH, and thank godadolescence is long over!

Bibliography
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McNeely, C. & Blanchard, J. (2010). The Teen Years Explained, A Guide to Healthy Adolescent
Development. Baltimore: Johns Hopkins University.