I shoved a tampon up my ass

I’d always been interested to discover what would happen if I shoved a tampon up
my ass, so the other night, after getting really drunk, I decided to try it.

Fortunately I didn’t have to make an embarrassing trip to the store to buy any
tampons, because my ex-girlfriend left a box of them over at my apartment, and I
keep them in my medicine cabinet as sort of a reminder of her and all the times we
had together.

Anyways, after finishing my beer, I went into the bathroom, pulled down my
SpongeBob pajama bottoms, took out a tampon, and pushed it up my ass with a
single hard thrust. It felt a bit weird, and nothing crazy happened, but as I looked at
the box and read a warning about “toxic shock syndrome,” I became concerned my
anus might get electrocuted or catch fire or something.

So I reached back into my butt to pull the tampon out; however, in my drunken
state, it seems I’d put it in the wrong way, stringed side first... I fumbled around
with my fingers in my ass, trying to pull it out, but couldn’t and wasn’t sure what to
do. Should I ask my next door neighbor for help? I don’t know… that really is asking
a lot more than just having him jumpstart my car battery…

(This whole incident reminded me of a girl I knew back in high school who was
masturbating with a hot dog and had it break and get stuck in her vagina; she had
to go the hospital to have it removed. I thought about looking her up on Facebook
and requesting her advice, but there wasn’t time for that now.)

I called 911, told them what happened, and asked for an ambulance to come get
me as I was in no condition to drive, but they just hung up on me, thinking it was a
prank call.

Then I hobbled out to the street and attempted to walk to the hospital, though it
was tough, because having a tampon stuck in your ass really does inhibit your
range of motion.

So I decided to hitchhike, stuck out my thumb, and fortunately a strange car pulled
up, and its driver rolled down his window…

The car was a tricked out hearse, painted fire engine red, with bling bling, shiny,
spinning rims, hydraulics, and loud booming bass. Its driver was a dwarf wearing a
ski mask, sunglasses, and army fatigues. He yelled out to me in Portuguese to jump
in, and so I did, and he drove me to the hospital at breakneck speed, British style,
on the wrong side of the road, occasionally playing chicken with other cars, and he
even rode up on the sidewalk a couple times and ran over a few meter maids and
pizza delivery men. It was as if we were in the video game “Grand Theft Auto.”
He got me to the hospital quick, slapped me high five, and I limped out into the
emergency room.

The nurse at the front desk was taking bong hits from a medical device and didn’t
seem surprised by my story. She also didn’t believe that it was a tampon in my
anus and insinuated I’d been gerbiling and made thinly veiled references to Richard
Gere. She pointed me to the waiting room, but before I could even step foot in that
direction, I started seeing trails, my vision got blurry, my head started spinning, and
my shoes suddenly grew large ice skating blades and the floor turned to ice and I
began skating and pirouetting like a figure skater (or a Canadian) into the direction
of a large, vagina shaped operating room.

Upon entering the room, a doctor, who looked and talked like Borat, burst out of a
large freezer sitting in the back of the room, grabbed me by the arms, spun me
around, brandished pliers, and yanked down my pajamas and probed my anus with
the pliers and used them to pull out the tampon. It was surprisingly painless, and I
wanted to thank him, but the second I turned around, he instantly vanished into thin
air…

I skated back out to the front desk to settle up the bill, and the nurse told me my
insurance didn’t cover this sort of procedure, presented me with a bill for
$10,795.63, and chastised me for forcing feminine hygiene products and small fury
animals up my ass.

Upon exiting the hospital, the blades from my shoes disintegrated, and I saw the
dwarf in the hearse outside waiting for me. I stepped into the car and noticed he
had midget porn playing on a video screen mounted on his dashboard. He asked me
in Portuguese if I’d ever fucked a midget. I told that I hadn’t but probably would
under the right circumstances, just to say I did.