Jebmusical

Jeb!
:AnAmericanDisappointment
Authors
(inalphabeticalorderbylastname):
AnnaAbraham
MaitreyiAnantharaman
EmmaBilbrey
AlexCohen
ZachCohen
RachelCohn
SamDaitzman
KatieDeWitt
AlejandroEspinosa
CassidyHill
LukeHoban
MollyLippitt
AndreiaMatos
SophiaMorales
BridgetMountford
CayleneParrish
ArielSauri
HannahSchmitt
SamSledzieski
Withassistancefrom:
AlizaAbarbanel
,
ChloeArnold
,
LukiaArtemakis,AniqueBarch,AdrianBelmes
,
Rohit
Biswas,JessicaBorin,EliseBrown,JoshuaBurton,AlexisCarel,DeborahChai,
PetrinaChan,BrandonChang,MichaelChin,PhoebeClark,StefanColton,Joshua
CrossBarnet,LaurenDattilo,PaytonDeLaCruz,ZachDeOcampo,MaryWarren
Dickens,ForestEdwards,ZachEhrlich,RossFloyd,HaleyFica,StephenFriedrich,
SarahHarvard,MaddieHartke,JTHinchen,JemmaHowlett,MeghanaJayam,Kathrin
Kajderowicz,JulianaKaplan,SamanthaKargilis,RebeccaKi,DylanKing,Michael
Lahanas,AllysonLarcom,AlexLiao,JuliaMachado,JessicaMalerman,Graedon
Martin,EthanMark,JadeMatiasBell,OrenMaximov,LoganMetiz,RachelMiga,
RekhaMohan,ZachPalumbo,JennyPark,EvanPincus,AnnaPiwowar,MarisaRay,
SamRizer,JanineRogers,DanielRuizBetancourt,AsyaSagnak,EmmetSandberg,
CarolineSarkozi,AlanSilberberg,PranavSharma,ZachSilberberg,Apitha
Srivicharnkul,RuthieStewart,JessieSparacino,RebeccaTarnopol,MasonTipton,
NathanTrivers,EliUdler,LucasUnze,RileyWoodford
CastList
(Hamilton)Jeb!Bush:PleaseClap
(Burr)DonaldTrump:HeCanAssureYou,EverythingsWorking
(Washington)GeorgeWBush:OurNationsDecider
(JohnLaurens)JohnMcCain:HisOnlyRegretisSarah
(Lafayette)LindseyGraham:HisPartyHasGoneBatshit
(HerculesMulligan)ChrisChristie:BridgesHateHim
(Eliza):FloridaVoters:JebLovesThem
(Angelica):FloridaInterests:JebWantstoBeWithThem
(Peggy)FloridaMoney:WeKnowItsThere
(KingGeorge)BillClinton/BarackObama/HillaryClinton:EvilDemocrats
(CharlesLee)SarahPalin:AlmostVicePresident(Wheeee!)
(Jefferson)TedCruz:ReadytoKillAgain
(Madison):JohnKasich:AwJeezPeople
(JohnAdams)MittRomney:JustWantsaTrumpSteak
(MariaReynolds)InternfromPR:SeducesJebWithPromisesofVirality
(PhilipHamilton)MarcoRubio:SippinWaterSince2013
(SamuelSeabury)BernieSanders:LetHimJustSayThis
(GrandpaSchuyler)BenCarson:ThoseHands...
(Theodosia)IvankaTrump:DonaldsOneTrueLove(AfterHimself)
SongList
ActI
:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
ActII
:
24.
25.
26.
27.
28.
29.
30.
31.
32.
33.
34.
35.
36.
37.
38.
39.
40.
41.
42.
43.
44.
45.
46.
(AlexanderHamilton)
Jeb!Bush,ExclamationPoint
(AaronBurr,Sir)
DonaldTrump,Chump
(MyShot)
My(Exclamation)Point!
(TheStoryofTonight)
TheStoryofIraq
(TheSchuylerSisters)
TheFloridaMachine
(FarmerRefuted)
SandersRefuted
(YoullBeBack)
YoullBeBack(ToDemocrats)
(RightHandMan)
RightWingMan
(AWintersBall)
ASummersRally
(Helpless)
Voting
(Satisfied)
OnOurSide
(TheStoryofTonightReprise)
TheStoryofIraqReprise
(WaitforIt)
PayForIt
(StayAlive)
StayintheRace
(TenDuelCommandments)
TenDebateCommandments
(MeetMeInside)
MeetThemOnStage
(ThatWouldBeEnough)
AtLeastThatsSomething,Right?
(GunsandShips)
HesNotMitt
(HistoryHasItsEyesonYou)
FoxNewsHasItsEyesonYou
(Yorktown)
Iowa(JebistheBestWeveGot)
(WhatComesNext)
WhoComesNext?
(DearTheodosia)
DearIvanka
(NonStop)
FullStop
(WhatdIMiss?)
MyPollNumbersJump
(CabinetBattle#1)
Debate#1
(TakeaBreak)
TakeaBreak
(SayNotoThis)
GuacBowlsForThis
(TheRoomWhereItHappens)
RunningforOffice
(SchuylerDefeated)
CarsonDefeated
(CabinetBattle#2)
Debate#2
(WashingtononYourSide)
G.O.P..OnYourSide
(OneLastTime)
OneLastShotattheCampaign
(IKnowHim)
IKnowHim
(TheAdamsAdministration)
TheRomneyHumiliation
(WeKnow)
WeKnow
(Hurricane)
Hurricane
(TheReynoldsPamphlet)
TheGuacBowlMemes
(Burn)
Bern
(BlowUsAllAway)
BlowUpYourCampaign
(StayAlive(Reprise))
StayInTheRace(Reprise)
(ItsQuietUptown)
ItsGentleDownSouth
(TheElectionof1800)
TheElectionof2016
(YourObedientServant)
YourObedientVicePresident
(BestofWivesandBestofWomen)
BestofFriendstoSleepWith
(TheWorldWasWideEnough)
TheFieldWasWideEnough
(WhoLives,whoDies,WhoTellsYourStory)
WhoWins,WhoDrops,WhoMemesYourStory
ACTI

1.Jeb!Bush,ExclamationPoint
*DUNDUHDUHDUHDUHDUHDUH*
*doodeedoodoo*
Trump
:Howdoesthepamperedbrother,sonofaGeorgeandaBarbara,
DroppedinthemiddleofaforgottenspotwithsomeFloridians,
BypoliticsandCharlesKochsdonations
Growuptosomehowmissthenomination
Christie:
Themilliondollar,frontrunner,engravinggunner1
Gotnofartherbyworkingnoharder
Bybeingnosmarter
Bybeinganonstarter
By45,theyplacedhiminchargeofastatecharter
Cruz:
Andeverydaywhilevoteswerebeingwrittenandcastawayacrossthestates
Jebrefusedtobeagoner
Insidehewasreadytobejustlikehisfather
Buthisbrotherwastheonewhothecountrywentandhonored
Kasich:
Thenarecountcame 2
Andlitigationrained
Ourmansawhisfuturedrip,drippingdownthedrain
Calledsomelawyerstohisoffice,
Andstartedupacampaign
Andhewrotehisfirstrefrain:
Anexclamation3byhisname
Trump:
Wellthewordgotaround,theysaid
Thiscampaignislame,man.
Tookupacollectionjusttogivetheguysomegame,man
Getyourselfsomedonors
Dontforgetyourfamilyname
Wealreadyknowyourname,whatsyourname,man?
https://twitter.com/JebBush/status/699706718419345408
http://articles.latimes.com/2001/jul/14/news/mn22362
http://media.gq.com/photos/567c0ebdbc00c1ec1f140955/master/pass/oJEBfacebook.jpg
Jeb:
JebBush,exclamationpoint.
MynameisJebBush,exclamationpoint.
AndtheresamillionthingsIhaventdone
Butpleasejustclap,pleasejustclap.4
Florida:
At56hisbrothersplit,termup,lowrating
NextelectionsawMcCainandhisPartysleadfading
Whatajoke
Theyrealizedtheywerequicklylosingvotes
(ahushedwhisper)
AndObamagotelectedandthePartywentcroak
GW
:ThoughthedrunthenexttimebutRomneywentandshovedhimaside,
Lefthimwithnothingbutfamilypride,
Somethingnewinside,avoice
SayingJebexclamationpoint,youshouldgo
HestartedretweetingandmeetingeveryfoeofBarryO.
Trump:
Therewouldhavebeenmorethingslefttodo
Forsomeonemoreastute
Hewouldhaveregainedandrestituted
theBushfamilyinstitution
Startedworking,lurkingonhisbigbrothersfanboards
Reframingsomethingdumbhesaid,animagehecanillafford
Scanningforeverysoundbitehecangethishandson
Planningforthefuture,seehimnowasheplansfor
Thatconvention,headingtowardsCleveLAND 5
InCleveland,getthenomination!
Ensemble:
InCleveland,getthatnomination!(Justyouclap)
InCleveland,getthatnomination!(Justyouclap)
InCleveland,getthatnomination!
InClevelanddddd
JUSTYOUCLAP!!
JebBush,exclamationpoint!
Wearewaitingwithanehforyou
Youalwaysbackeddown
AndDonaldbeatyoueveryTIIIIIIIIIME,OHHHH
4
5
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/04/jebbushaudiencepleaseclapnewhampshiresot.cnn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_Republican_National_Convention
Americashrugsforyou
Dotheyknowwhatyouovercame?
Dotheyknowthatyourekindoflame?
TheWorldwillproblybethesame
Trump:
Jebisonthecampaigntrail,seeifyoucanspothim
Company:
Justyouclap
Trump:
AnotherBushbrother,
Scrapedfromthebarrelsbottom
Company:
Justyouclap
Trump:
TheDonaldTrumpdestroyedhisrep,
AmericasaidNothim
Cruz/Kasich/Christie/Graham
:Wefoughtwithhim
Voters
:We,weheardofhim?
W
:Me,Itrustedhim.
Rubio
:Me,Ilovedhim[daddy].
Trump
:Andme?
(
musiccutsout
)
Imupinthepolls,20,30points,
AndthentheresJeb,hesgotlike5points,
Hesanembarrassmenttohisfamily,lowenergy,
Whatasad,sadman,hesamess.
Ensemble:
Thereisonebigthingyouveneverdone,
Butjustyouclap.
Trump:
Whatsyournameagain?
All:
JebBush,ExclamationPoint!
2.DonaldTrump,Chump
Chorus:
Twothousandandfifteen.WashingtonDC.
Jeb:
Pardonme,areyouDonaldTrump,Chump?
Trump:
Thatdepends,whosasking?
Jeb:
Oh,uhmp,humph,ImJebBush,ExclamationPoint,Imatyourservice,Chump.
Ihavebeenlookingforyou.
Trump:
Imgettingnervous.
Jeb:
Grump,IheardyournameinNewYork,Iwasseekingtocampaignforanelectedoffice,
whenIgotinthislineduetothislastnameofmine.Youproblyknowit,mybroanddadboth
theyguidedastheypresided
Trump:
YoumeanasPresident?
Jeb:
Yes!Iwanttoleadthiscountry,governedFlorida,Iranandgotelected,theylookedatme
likeIwaslame,Imnotlame.Butforthegeneral.HowdidGeorgewindoubleterms?
Trump:
Itgoestoshowjustwhatthepeoplewillaffirm.
Jeb:
Itscoercion!Ofcourse!
Imhisbrother!God,Iwishhehadntswore
Thatwewerefightingajustwar,Iraqlostussomuchmore
Trump
:CanIbuyyouaTrumpSteak6 ?
Jeb:
Thatwouldbenice.
Trump
:Whileweretalkingletmeofferyousomedealadvice
Talkloud.
Saydumbshit.
Dontletthemknowthatyourearaginghypocrite.
Jeb:
Youcantbeserious.
Trump:
Ifyouwannagetahead,
6
http://www.sharperimage.com/si/view/product/Trump+Steaks/888888
Foolswhoarelowenergy,windupJeb.
Christie:
YYYoyoyoyo!
Whattimeisit?
McCain:
Votetime!
Trump:
...LikeIsaid
McCain:
Votetime,votetime.
Yo,ImJohnMcCainrighthereinDC!
CouplepintsofBudweiser7butImworkingforfree!
ThoseDemocratsdontwantitwithme,
CauseIwilltakedowntheselibralstillwesucceed!
Graham:
Yes,yes,myfriends,itisI,LindseyGraham
SouthCarolinascharmingconservativefrontman
IcamefromtheSouthjusttospeakwithmymouth
Usemysoothingaccenttogetto
TheWhiteHouse
Christie:
Braaah!Braahh!IamGovernorChrisChristie
Upinit,lovinit,runnintheGardenState,NewJersey
TM
Closedownyourbridges8andSubways
,delays
Thesedays,thegaysareablaze,pleasepassthemayonnaise?
Graham:
NomoretimeforhandshakeswithObama
LetsraiseacoupletoourPartysmelodrama.
McCain:
WellifitainttheprodigyofFordham9Uni!
Christie:
DonaldTrump!
McCain:
Giveusapump,saywhatyousee.
Trump:
Goodluckwiththat,you'reallgonnalose
7
http://www.azcentral.com/news/election/special3/articles/0123bizhensley.html
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/02/04/nyregion/TimelineGeorgeWashingtonBridgeScandal.html
?_r=0
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/fordhamstudentsforgettrumparticle1.2577533
Yousit,Immaspit,wellseewhotheychoose
McCain:
Trump,theelectionsimminent,whatdoyougloatfor?
Jeb:
Ifyoustandforeverything,Trump,whatwillyouvotefor?
McCain/Christie/Graham:
Woahwhoareyou,
Oh,itsyou,
Weknowyou,dude,
YetanotherBushBrother,whatshegonnado
3.My(Exclamation)Point
Jeb:
Iamnotthrowinawaymahpoint!
Notthrowinawaymahexclamationpoint!
Heyyo,ImjustlikemycountryImexcitableandjumpy,
AndImnotthrowinawaymahpoint!
ImmascoresupportfromtheRNC,
Dontmeantobragbutdangwhoelsecoulditbe?
Gonnawinthenomination,savetheGOP
EverydaymakinmywaytothePresidency,youknowitsme
ImthenextBushupinline,butunlikemybigBro
ItoldtheIviesnoandtaughtthekiddiesdowninMexico
ThatswhereImetastunner,thisbiddienamedColumba10
LearnedsomeEspaol11,scoredhernumba,andfromhuh(her)
Ihavegainedareallylovelywife,trueloveofmylife
AndwithherassistancewellwintheLatinovote,right?
Theplanistomanthisplatformandcampaign
ButIguessifImgonnarunthenIshouldspelloutmyname.
IamtheJO,HN,EL,L,IS,BU,SH,well
TheycallmeJeb,andthatsallfineandswell
MeanwhiletheseDemocratsmakinmeyell,andHell
BethePOTUS?Yeah,IguessImightaswell.
CauseBaracksleftthislandwithanawfulsmell
Heaintnevergonnastopthegangsanddrugcartels
Soweneedanewelection,stopthisinfidel
Alarmbells
Ensemble:
GooffasthePartyyells
Jeb:
ButjustwatchasthisBushdropssomemadbombshells
Immaputthisnationbackundermyfamilysspell
CausesweetJebbysrhymesflowinlikehotcaramel
(
CHORUSx2)
10
11
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/06/themysteriouscolumbabush/392090/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvc63HMcYFg
Graham:
Idreamofneoconpresidencies
LookslikeNovemberwewillseeGOP
GOP,howyousay?AHouseMajority?
TheprogressivesidesdeadwithBernieandHillary
Thatsa
All
(asLindseyairdribblesafakebasketballandswishesintoinvisiblehoop):
Point!
Christie:
Yo,ImSpringsteens12biggestfanboy
Spending80grandattheGiantsconcessionstands13,boy
ImjoininupwithDonaldcauseImsureitsmychance
Toadvance,maybehellletmebehisvice
presidanc
e
Eh,yougetmy
All
(asChrisChristieservesandspikesafakevolleyball):
Point!
McCain:
Butwellneverbetrulyfree
UntilwebalanceoutthisextremefarrightGOP
Allofyou,gottadowhatsrightfortheParty
ThisParty,itsabouttimetogetthisshitstarted
LikePink!
All:
Exclamationpoint!
Trump:
Geniuses,moveofftotheside
Imgonnamakethiselectioncycleonewildride
Imtheorange,crassloudmouthwhocantbestopped
Youregonnabepubliclytaughtatdebates,youregonnagetmocked!
Jeb:
Hey,Trump:Knock,knock,
Whosthere?Whatashock,itsJebbyfromtheblock
Imservinupsomespicyguac14,anditshotterthanhot
Ifyoucanteatityoucanleaveit,andsteprightoffmyjock
WhataretheoddsthatGodwouldputusallinonespot?
Poppinasquatonconventionalpoliticslikeitornot
Abunchamediocreammunitionfriendlyscaredevangelists
12
13
14
http://www.newsweek.com/historychrischristiebrucespringsteenrelationship368540
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/11/chrischristienfltaxpayerfood_n_7256268.html
http://www.npr.org/2015/12/31/461518357/finallyrevealedjebbushssecretguacamolerecipe
GivemeadonationshowmewherethePACmoneyis!
OhamItalkingtoosoft?
Inevergetoverexcited,orevershootoff,
Iveneverhadagroupoffriendsbefore.
IpromiseIwonttickyalloff.
Someone
(worried)
:
Shouldweputhiminfrontofacrowd?
Jeb:
JebSupporter:
Everybodysing!
Jeb!Jeb!Whoisheeeee?Whoisheeeee?Whoisheeee?Yeah!
Whoooooisheeeee?(Shoutittotherooftops!)
Whoisheeeee?(Isaidshoutittotherooftops!)
Whoishee?!(Cmon!)
Yeah!(Cmon,letsgo!)
Jeb
:Riseup!
Whenyourbrothersincommand,youriseup!
WhenTrumpisoutofhand,youriseup!
TellmymotherthatImgonnariseup!
Chorus:
God,whenishegonnariseup?
Hessodamndrabpleasespeakup!
God,whenishegonnariseup?
Hessodamndrabpleasespeakup!
Riseup!
Jeb
:Iveimaginedthissomuchitfeelsmorelikeamemory
HowmIgonnaIwinthis?Begandplead?Collectevenmoremoney?
IcanfeelitcomingIvegottorun.Jebdontletitbe!
2016willbetheyearforme!
IneverthoughtIdlivetoseetheday
WhenitdbeJebsturntohaveithisway
AskanyBushwhywegotowarandbeatGore,settleourscores,
Wevegottotakethefastlaneandthebackdoor.
Scratchthat,thisisnotthefastlane,itsacampaign
Wherethenominationsaguaranteeofyourfuturereign
Demsopposeus,wetakearightwingstand
WerolllikeReagan,claiminourpromisedland.
AndifIwinthenomination?Isthataguaranteeofsavingourdearnation?
Orwillthevoteswelostbeginanendlesscycleoffilibustersandstagnation?
IknowtheralliesfortheTrumpareexcitin,butJesus,
BetweenallthescreaminandlyinIvebeenspeakinandsighin.
Weneedtohandlethefarrightsituation!
AreweaPartyforbigots?Whosourfrontrunnerblamin?
Impastpolicysplainin!ImrelativelyspendineveryPACdonation
Everyadisanactofinsultation!
Imcryininthefaceofpollsthatgivemezero
ButIgottobeAmericashero
Chorus:
AndIamnotthrowinawaymahpoint!
4.TheStoryofIraq
Jeb:
ImayhavedlivedtoseetwoGulfWars.
Christie/McCain/Graham:
ImayhavelivedtoseetwoGulfWars.
Jeb:
ButIwouldlovetosendtroopsback.
ButIwouldlovetosendtroopsback.
Jeb:
Andwhenourchildrentellourstory...
Andwhenourchildrentellourstory...
Jeb:
TheylltellthestoryofIraq.
Christie:
McCain:
LetsdestroyISISinIraq.
Graham:
Jeb:
McCain:
RaiseaglasstoFreedom
SomethingwecangivetheMiddleEast
Nomatterwhattheytellus
RaiseaglasstoSaddamHussein.
McCain/Christie:
Rememberweblewouthisbrain.
TellingthestoryofIraq.
Jeb:
RaiseaglasstoFreedom
SomethingwecangivetheMiddleEast
Jeb:
Nomatterwhattheytellus
Christie/Graham:
LetsdestroyISISinIraq
McCain:
RaiseaglasstoSaddamHussein
Jeb/McCain/Christie/Graham:
Rememberweblewouthisbrain
Jeb/McCain:
TellingthestoryofIraq
Christie/Graham:
Jeb/McCain/Ensemble:
TheylltellthestoryofIraq
Ensemble:
Iraq
Christie/Graham/Ensemble:
Raiseaglasstofreedom
Raiseaglasstofreedom
Theylltellthestoryof
5.TheFloridaMachine
Trump:
Thethingallpoliticianslovemost
IsgoindownSouthandpanderinforvotes
TheypullupintheirsuperPACsandgawk
Atthevotersinthedistrictsjusttowatchemtalk
TakealookatFlorida,itsmachineisloaded,
Butohoh,littledoesitknow
Thatitscogsmoney,interests,andthevoters
Worktogethermovingcandidateslikemotors
Ensemble:
*Vote,vote!*
Interests:
Theinterestgroups
Ensemble:
*Vote,Vote*
Voters:
Thevoters
Money:
Andmoney!
Ensemble:
*Vote,Vote*
V/I/M:
TheFloridaMachine!
Interests:
Interests
Money:
Money
Voters:
Thevoters.
V/I/M:
VOTE!
Money
:Floridasaidtonotbuycampaignads.
Interests
:Floridadoesntneedtoknow.
Money
:Floridasaidtovoteforguyswholooklikedads.
Voters
:Seemslikethewaytogo.
Interests
:But,lookaround,lookaround
ElectionyearishappeninginFlorida,
Florida,
America.VOTE
Money
:Badenoughtheresnosinglecandidate.
Voters
:Peopleneedanominee.
Money
:Badformewhentheestablishmentsabate
Interests:
Whichcandidateisforme.
Money:
Lookaround,lookaround,interests,remindmewhatyourelookingfor.
Jeb[veryhopefully]
:Areyoulookingforme?
Interests:
Um,nah,Imlookingforamindthatworks(works)
Lookingforamindthatworks(works)
Lookingforamindthatworks.
WooaoaohwooahoahoaeeeWORKS!(woo!)
Trump:
TheresnothinlikerunninintheSouth.
Voterslistenup:Immarunmybigmouth.
Excusemesir,Iknowitsnotfunny,
Butyourmoneysmellslikewell,likeitsmellslikemoney.
WhyyouspendinallyourtimewiththosenastyPACs
TakeabiggulpofTrump,sitbackandrelax.
Interests
:Trump,youdisgustme.
Trump
:Ah,soyouvediscussedme!
GOTASMALLLOANOFAMILLION15,YOUCANTRUSTME.
Interests
:IvebeenreadinReaganomicsandAynRand,
AtlasShruggedtricklinthroughmymindlikesand
Youdontwantarevolution,youwantthatnomination
WegivenofucksboutObamasnation.
15
http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/26/politics/donaldtrumpsmallloantownhall/
V/I/M:
Weholdthesetruthstobeselfevident
Thatwhitemenarecreatedequal.
Interests:
AndwhenImeetMr.TeddyCruz(OH)
ImmatellhimtokeeptheDemocratsoutthesequelVOTE!
Voters:
Lookaround,lookaroundathow
Manycandidatesarestillaliverightnow.
Voters/Money:
V/I/M:
Electionyearishappening,wereattackingandwejusthappentobeinthesketchiest
stateintheU.S.!INTHESKETCHIESTSTATEINTHEU.S.!(VOTE!!)
Interests
:
IvebeenreadinReaganomicsandAynRand,
AtlasShruggedtricklindownthroughmymindlikesand
Youdontwantarevolution
Youwantthenomination
WegivenofucksboutObamasnation.
V/I/M:
Weholdthesetruthstobeselfevident
Thatwhitemenarecreatedequal(woo!)
Ensemble:
Electionyearishappening,
Wereattackingandwejusthappentobe
InthesketchieststateintheU.S.!
INTHESKETCHIESTSTATEINTHEU.S.!
(VOTE!!)
Ensemble:
*Vote,vote!*
Interests:
Theinterestgroups
Voters/Money:
Lookaround,lookaround
Electionyearishappeningin
Florida!
Florida!
Ensemble:
*Vote,Vote*
Voters:
Thevoters
Money:
Andmoney!
Ensemble:
*Vote,Vote*
V/I/M:
TheFloridaMachine!
Interests:
Interests
Money:
Money
Voters:
Thevoters.
V/I/M:
VOTE!
V/I/M:
Werelookinforamindthat
Jeb
(
again,hopefully
)
:
Works,works?
V/I/M
(lookingalarmed)
Hey
Jeb
(withmoreconfidence)
:
Works,works!
V/I/M
(backingnervouslyawayfromJeb):
HEY!
Jeb:
WORKS!WORKS!
V/I/M
(
turningtheirbacksonJebcompletely):
WHOAA!
(Jebgivesuptryingtobethemainensembleguyandslinkssadlyintothebackground)
V/I/M:
Inthesketchieststate,inthesketchieststate,intheuuuuuuuUUS!
Everyone:
INTHESKETCHIESTSTATEINTHEU.S.!(VOTE!)
6.SandersRefuted
Bernie
(yellingandwildlygesturing16):
Hearye,hearye!
MynameisBernieSanders,andIpresent
FreeThoughtsontheProceedingsoftheWaronTerror!
Heednottherightwing,whoscreamaboutISIS,
Theyhavenotyourinterestsatheart.
Christie:
Ohmygod,tearthissocialistapart.
Bernie:
Regimechangeandbloodshedarenotasolution
Dontletthemleadyoutowar
ThisCongressdoesnotspeakforme.
Trump:
Loser!Weak!
Bernie:
Theoiliscallingtheirnames.
IprayU.N.showsyoutheirmercy
Forshameforshame...
Jeb:
Hed
haveyouallrightinhispocket,makeyou
scream
but
thethreatof
ISIS
iscoming,
Youhavenoplan,wevegottawinthis.
Itshardtolistentoyouwithastraightface
Regimechange
and
bloodshed
alreadyhauntus
Honestly,youshouldtakeapause,
WhataboutBenghazi?
Theyaretonameforallofourpainandyouwanttoblame
Congress
?
Bernie:
Heed
nottherightwing,who
scream
about
ISIS
,
Theyhavenotyourinterestsatheart
Regimechange
and
bloodshed
arenot
asolution
Dontletthemleadyoutowar
This
Congress
doesnotspeakforme.
Jeb:
Mydadspeaksmoreeloquently.
Bernie:
Theyreplayingabillionairesgame.
Jeb:
Butstrangely,yourageseemsthesame.
Bernie:
IprayU.N.showsyoutheirmercy!
16
http://www.theonion.com/article/outcontrolhandgesturesendsberniesanderstumb52071
Jeb:
Wouldtheyevendoanything?
Bernie:
Forshame!
Jeb:
Forthenomination!
Bernie:
Forshame!
All:
Forthenomination!
Bernie:
Heed!
Jeb:
Ifyoukeepshouting,man,IswearImgonna
Bernie/Jeb:
Scream!
Jeb:
Honestly,lookatme,pleasedontrun.
Bernie:
Notyourinterests!
Jeb:
Dontrunforcandidacyandthennotdebatewithme
Whyshouldthesilentmajorityberegulatedbyliberality?
Trump:
Jeb,letthebigboysspeak.
Jeb:
Trump,Idratherbelowenergy17thanpaidbyMTV.
Yourejustacelebrity!
Chorus:
Silence!AmessagefromthePrez!AmessagefromthePrez!Amessagefromthe
Prez!
17
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW06MlHVxuQ
7.YoullBeBack(ToDemocrats)
BillClinton:
Yousaymyvicepresidentsnotapreswhoyourewillingtotake.
YoucrywhentheBushyouelectsendsyourmenoverseas,offtodie.
Whysomad?
Rememberwehadallthe90sformetobegreat
Nowyourchoicesseembad
Rememberdespitetheimpeachment,Imyourman.
Youllbeback,soonyoullsee
YoullrememberourDemocracy
Youllbeback,timewilltell
Youllrememberthatweveservedyouwell.
FDR,JFK
EvenCarterslookingkindofgreat
Andwhenthetimecomestovote
IwillsendafullyarmedFirstLadytokeeptheDemocratsafloat
Dadadadadaaaaadatdadadadayyyyada
Dadadatdatdayyyyyada
YousayourPartysliberal,andyoudontpickGore
Youllbetheonecomplainingwhenyoureatwar
Andnodontchangethesubject,
Benghazisnotthesubject
Lewinskysnotthesubject
Shesmyleastfavouritesubject
Imclever
Soclever
Soclever,soclever,soclever...
Youllbeback,likebefore
Youwillfightthefightandlosethewar
Vietnam,napalmflames
YouRepublicansareallthesame
Whenyourehere,wegomad
SodontgivethesefoolsaDCpad
Whenyouvote,facethefacts
Please,ohplease,choosemydearHillbear
AndIllletyouplaymysax
SAXOPHONESOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(tothesametune)
18
DadadatdatdayyyyyaEVERYBODY
Dadadatdatdayyyyyadaaaaaduhhhhhh
18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqB7UEdhKug
8.RightWingMan
Ensemble:
TheDemocraticPartyhastheirofficialcandidates
ThreeexperiencedpoliticiansinGeorgetown'sharbor
Hillary,Bernie,OMalleywhollcampaignharder?
Democratshavetheirtroops,theysurroundourtroops
Whoevenareourtroops?
Jeb:
AsthechildofthepresidentIwishedforsomemore,
Iwantedtobemore,
IknewIhadtorunacampaign!
IftheytellmystoryIameithergonnadieinFlorida
Orrunagreatcampaign!
Iwillrunforthisland
Buttheresonlyonemanwhocanlendmeahandforthiscampaign!
Understand,healreadyranawinningcampaign,Campaign!
Herehecomes.
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW.
Trump:
Ladies,Gentlemen,andRosieODonnell19,
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW.
Trump:
Themomentyouvebeenwaitingfor,
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW.
Trump:
TheprideofKennebunkport20 ,
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW
Trump:
GeorgeDubya.
GW:
Weareoutspent!TheDemsexpand!
19
20
https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/487553677247250432?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
http://www.nytimes.com/timesinsider/2015/07/13/atthebushcompoundinkennebunkportreportersnoteb
ook/
Outnumbered,outplanned.
Wegottatakeacampaignstand
AyoImgonnaneedarightwingman.
Checkit
CanIbeGeorgeasecond
Yourbrotherboyasecond
LetdownmyguardandtellmybroskihowIfeelasecond?
NowImthemodelofaconservativepresident
Therepublicandecider21andstrategerer22whosemenareallliningup
Tothrowmedownatoiletbowl,writinarticlestolittlekidsruiningmyveryreputation
Buttheelephantisintheroom:
ThetruthisinyourfacewhenyouseeourPartysfuturegoboom.
Anyhopeofsuccessisfleeting
HowcantherighthaveanyhopeofleadingwhenTrumpissucceeding?
Cantputastoptoconceding,loseScottWalker23andJindal24
NighttakesMike25 andRand26.
Weareoutspent!TheDemsexpand!
Outnumbered,outplanned.
Wegottatakeacampaignstand
AyoImgonnaneedarightwingman.
Incoming!
Jeb:
Trumpsbatteringdownthecandidates,checkthedamages.RAH!
Wegottastophim,ourPartysimagehemismanages
LetstakeastandwiththecandidateGodhasgrantedus
Jebsgothisexclamationpoint
Letsrallybehindthisman.
21
22
23
24
25
26
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irMeHmlxE9s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOUuKQlGdEs
http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/21/politics/scottwalkerdropsout2016election/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/bobbyjindaldropsout_us_560a8993e4b0768126ff0e01
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/01/politics/mikehuckabeedropsoutof2016presidentialrace/
http://www.bbc.com/news/electionus201635485541
GW:
Shaboom!Gothepolls
WatchtheTrumphavehishayday,and
Shaboom!Gothepolls
WereabandoningCarly27 ?
BOOM!
TheresgoesSantorum,Rick!28
BOOM!
WevejustlostanotherRick!
PERRY!29
WegottastompHillaryquick,wecantaffordanotherslip
Pollsandnumbersaddinup
ThePartystartstodivvyupourforces,
TheyreskittishasTrumpcutsthecompetitionup
Thisclosetogivingup,werealllosingbrutally
Iscreaminthefaceofthisconservativemutiny!
ArethesethemenwhoaretoruleAmerica?
WefightinFebruary,DCinthedistance
IcannotbeyourPresidentagainpeople,
Imindireneedofassistance.
Trump:
Hey,you,uhhh.
GW:
Whoareyou?
Trump:
DonaldTrump,duhh.CanItellyousomething?
GW:
Iguess.
Trump:
So...
Ibuiltagreatcompany,oneofthegreatest
Yeah,Ivehadsomebankruptcies30
27
28
29
30
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/10/politics/carlyfiorinadropsoutsuspendscampaign/
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/03/politics/ricksantorumdroppingpresidentialbid/
http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/11/politics/rickperry2016campaignsuspended/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/economy/whattrumpdidntsayabouthisfourbigbusinessban
kruptcies/2015/08/07/bc054e643d1211e59c2ded991d848c48_story.html
But,hey,insummary
Iusedthelawtomyadvantageandassistance
Illsuredoitagainwhyexhibitsuchresistance?
GW:
Huh?
Trump:
Ihavesomestatements,
Acoupleofreplacements,
Onhowtomakethiscountrygreatagain.
GW:
Yes?
Trump:
Well...
Jeb:
Brother,youwantedtoseeme?
GW:
Jeb,comein,haveyoumetTrump?
Trump:
Yeah,itsreallysad.
Jeb:
Yes,wekeepmeeoh
Trump:
AsIwassaying,chump,Ilookforwardtowinningandseeingmywayout.
GW:
Trump?
Trump:
Dump.
GW:
Closethedooronyourwayout.
*doodeedaduh*
Jeb:
HaveIdonesomethingwrong,bro?
GW:
Onthecontrary.
Icalledyouherebecauseouroddsarebeyondscary
Yourpollnumbersarebeneathyou,butIhavetoask
Jeb:
Bro?
GW:
Jeb,howcomesofewhaveendorsedyourass?
Jeb
:Aw,comeon!
GW:
Dontgetmewrongyoureagovernorofgreatrenown.
Iknowourownlastnamecarriesalotofswaydowntown.
BothMittandJohnMcCainshouldgobehindyou.
Jeb:
Thesupportofabunchoflosers?Idontthinkso.
GW:
Whyareyouupset?
Jeb:
Imnot.
GW:
Itsalright,youwannawin,youvegotahunger
IwasjustlikeyouwhenIwasgovernor.
HeadfulloffantasiesoftaxcutsandIraq
Jeb:
Yes.
GW:
Bombingiseasy,lilbro,rulingsashock.
Jeb:
Whyareyoutellingmethis?
GW:
Imbeinghonest:Weneedsomeoneelectablewhocangetintothatoffice
OurPartyisapowderkeg,abouttoexplode,
Weneedamoderatetolightentheload.So?
Ensemble:
Jeb:
GW:
Bro,weareoutspent!TheDemsexpand!
Jeb:
Theestablishmentneedsallthehelpitcanget,Ihavesomefriends
McCain,Christie,evenLindseyGraham.Okay,whatelse?
GW:
Outnumbered,outplanned!
Jeb:
WellneedsomeDemsfromtheinside,
SomeofHillsmenwhomightletsomeemailsslide31.
31
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hillary_Clinton_email_controversy
IllwritetoPriebus32andtellhimIneedsupplies,torallytheguys,
Helpmycampaigngrowtoanewsize.
Illtravelcrossournation,givingspeeches,turtles33,vocation
TherewontbeanotherBushvacationtillmyinauguration!
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW!
Jeb:
Campaign!
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW!
Jeb:
Foroffice!
Ensemble
:HerecomesGW!
Jeb:
Forpresident!
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW!
GW:
Andhisrightwingman!
32
33
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reince_Priebus
http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/06/politics/jebbushturtletortoisejoyful/
9.ASummersRally
Trump:
Howdoesthepampered,brother,sonofaGeorge,
Goonandon,runintomoreofaphenomenon
Watchthismediocre,softspoken,excuseofagovernor,
Beseatedattherighthandofhisbrother,
WendorsesJebrightonsight,
ThoughJebcantputupmuchofafight,theyretight.
Sure,Jebsskillatthedebatesareprettymild,
Justanotherthingthatkeepshimfrombeing
reliablewiththe...
Ensemble:
VOTERS!
Trump:
Therearesomanytodisempower!
Ensemble:
VOTERS!
Trump:
Undermyruletheywillcower!
Ensemble:
VOTERS!
Trump:
Theyfrustratedandconfusedhim
MaliaObamanamedherfavoriteteddybearafterhim34!
Jeb:
Thatsproblytrue!
Trump:
2015,asummersrally,
AndtheFloridamachinehasyettobetallied,
Yo,ifyouwinFlorida,youstartstrong,son,
Jeb
:IsitaquestionofifTrump,orwhatmargin?
Trump/McCain/Jeb:
Hey,hey,hey,heyetc.
34
https://twitter.com/Lin_Manuel/status/364045184750718976
10.Voting
Voters:
Ooooh,foryou,foryou,foryou,foryou
Heey!
Ooooh,foryou,foryou,foryou,foryou
Jeb,yougotmevoting!
LookingatyourplatformandIknowyourlimits,Imvoting
ButbecauseImfromyourstateImbelievininit.
Ihaveneverbeenthetypetotryandreallyturnout
WewereatarallywiththeGOP,allburnedout
Laughingwiththeinterestsastheyrecontrollingournation,
Thenyouwalkedinandmyheartwent,
EXCLAMATION!
Trynacatchyourspeechaswesweatinthefrontroom
EverybodyshecklinandTrumpstopvolume,
Salutingtotherhythmaswewhineandsigh
Grabtheinterestsandwhisper,
Yo,hesgotmy.
Voooote
Interestsmadetheirwayacrosstheroomtoyou
AndIgetnervousthinkinwhattheygonnado
Theygrabyoubytheballs,ImthinkinImthrough
ThenyouleerbackatmeandsuddenlyIm
Voting!
Oh,lookatthosejowls,ohohhhhhh.
(LookingatyourplatformandIknowyourlimits)
Voting!
(ButbecauseImfromyourstateImbelievininit)
Voting!
(LookingatyourplatformandIknowyourlimits)
StillIwillvoteforyou,
StillIwillvoteforyou
(ButbecauseimfromyourstateImbelievininit)
Jeb
:Whereareyoutakingme?
Interests:
Imabouttochangeyourcampaign!
Jeb:
Pleaseleadtheway.Please.
Voters:
Floridianvoters.Itsapleasuretomeetyou.
Jeb:
Voters?
Interests:
Youneedthem.
Voters:
Thankyouforallyourservice.
Jeb:
Youmaybethinkingofmybrother,ormydad
Interests:
Illleaveyoutoit!
Voters:
Oneweeklater
Immakingdonationsnightly,
Nowmyluckgetsbettereveryemailthatyouwriteme!
Laughingattheinterestscausetheywanttheirownagenda.
Interests:
Imjustsayin,Jebwillbeareallygoodcontender.
Voters
:Ha!
Twoweekslaterinthedebateroomstressin
MegynKellystonefacedasyoureaskinforthepresses,
Imdyininsideasyouwhineandsigh,
AndImtryinnottocry
Causetheresnothingyourlegacycant
Do
Kellymakesherwayacrosstheroomtoyou
Ipanicforasecondthinkinyourethrough
Butthensheshakesyourhandandsays,Iguessyoulldo.
Andyouturnbacktomeleering,
Voting!
(
CHORUS
)
ThisBushisfine,thisBushisfine.
Jeb
:Voters,Igotmillionsofdollarstomyname,
Acresofland,troopstocommand,
Andallmyfathersfame,
Imaynothavecharisma,atoleranceforpain,
ButIvegotAmericanvaluesandamoderatecampaign,
Insane,yourmachinebringsoutadifferentsideofme
Moneywillsidewithme,intereststriedtotakeabiteofme!
Nostress,myloveforyouisneverindoubt,
WellgetacondoinOrlandoandwellfigureitout.
IvehadapresidentialfamilysinceIwasachild,
Myfatherran,mybrotherwon,everycampaignthattheyfiled,
ButIllneverforgetmyfirstvote,withoutadoubt,
AslongasImintherace,voters,IsweartoGodyoullalwaysturnout
Voting!
Voters
:Foryou,foryou,foryouforyou!
Jeb:
Myvoters
Voters
:Foryou,foryou,foryouforyou!
Jeb:
Imgonnagetyou
Voters
:Voting
Jeb
:Yeah!
Voters:
BecauseImfromyourstateImbelievininit!
Jeb
:Yo,mycampaignsgonbefinebecausemyhomestateswithit
Voters
:IlookatyourplatformandIknowyourlimits!
I...I..I..
Voters/Company:
ButbecauseImfromyourstateImbelievininit!
(weddingmusicplays)
Company
:InCleveland,getthenomination
InCleveland,getthenomination
InCleveland,getthenomination...
Voters
:Voting
11.OnOurSide
Rallyannouncer:
Alright,alright!Iguessthisturnoutissomething.Now,everyonegiveitup
forFloridasnumberoneinfluence,theSpecialInterestGroups!
Interests:
AtoasttoourJeb!
Company:
ToourJeb!ToourJeb!ToourJeb!
Interests:
JebBush!
Company
:JebBush!JebBush!JebBush!
Interests:
Fromyoursupporters
Company:
TheinterestgroupTheinterestgroups
Interests:
Whollgiveyourcampaignapush
Company:
Apush
Interests:
Toyournomination
Company:
TotheRNC!TotheGOP!
Interests:
Andthehopethatyoullprovide
Company:
Provideprovide
Interests:
Mayyoualways
Company:
Always
Interests:
Beonourside
Company:
Rewind
Interests:
Rewind
Rewind
Rewind
Werememberthatnightwejustmight
Rewind
Rewind
Werememberthatnight
Werememberthat
(doodoodoododoodoodoodoodo)
Rememberthatnightfortherestofourreign,
Werememberthoseothercandidatestryna
Pandertousfortheirowngain,
Werememberthatharshfluorescentlightlikeascene,wishyoucouldescape
ButJeb,Exclamation,wellneverforgetthefirsttimewesawyourface
Wehaveneverbeenthesame
Lacklustereyesinadadbodframe
AndwhenyousaidJeb!Weforgotthedanggame
Setourheartsaflame
Allourpartsaflame
Missinyourlastname.
Jeb
:Lookstomelikeyoucouldusesomebodyonyourside.
Interests:
Wereallydontknowwhatyoumean,areyoufeelingwell?
Jeb
:Yourelikeme!Iveneverhadsomebodyonmyside.
Interests
:Isthatright?
Jeb
:Ineedsomebodyonmyside.
Interests:
WeretheFloridaSpecialInterests.
Jeb
:JebBush,ExclamationPoint.
Interests
:Whatsyourplatformon
Jeb
(
nervously)
:Uh,unimportant.Thereslikefour,fivethingsIhaventdone.Justyouclap
justyouclap.
Interests:
Sososo,sothisthisiswhatitfeelsliketofind
Someonewithbrandnamebutamalleablemind
LessbombasticthanTrump,buthesstillgotsomefight
HellprollygetmorevotesthanKasichmight
Andhesstillrunning,right?
Ourconversationlastedtwominutes,maybethreeminutes
Everysinglethingweaskedheagreedto,hes
Adreamcandidate,weredoingadance
Weregonnagethislastnameandgettotellhimhisstance
Hesalittlebitlamebutwegongiveitachance
Weaskedabouthisstrategy,didyouseehisanswer?
Handsstartedfidgeting,helookedentranced
Pulledaturtlefromthepocketofhiskhakipants35
Stumbling,wow,wecantellbut
Hiswinwillserveussowell
Wewannagethimtotheheadoftherace
Thenwegetagoodlookathisfaceandheis...
Jeb:
Hopeless
Interests:
Andweknowheis
Jeb:
Hopeless
Interests:
Andhiseyesarejust...
Jeb:
Hopeless
Interests
:Andwerealize
Interests/Company
:Threefundamentaltruthsattheexactsametime
Jeb:
Whereareyoutakingme?
Interests:
Wereabouttochangeyourcampaign.
Jeb:
Please,leadtheway.Please.
CompanyexceptingInterests
:Numberone!
Interests:
We'relobbyistsinaworldwhoseonlyhopeistheGOP
We'vegottofacethefacts,oursuperPACs,cannotbeaimedatdemocrats,
AndJebstheoldest,theestablishment
35
http://gawker.com/jebbushcarriestinytoyturtlesinhispocketsandgi1751354988
Andourbestchancetoinfluencethegovernment,andthedollarsspent
Andsure,hemaynothavemuchflair
Butallthatmattersisthathesamultimillionaire
Voters:
Floridianvoters.Itsapleasuretomeetyou.
Jeb
:Voters?
Interests:
Youneedthem.
CompanyexceptingInterests
:Numbertwo!
Interests:
WereafterhimcausehesaBushdescendant
Thatelevateshisstatuswed
Havetobenavetosetthataside
Maybethatthatiswhy,weintroducehimtothevoters
Nowtheyrestarryeyed
Nicegoing,hesgonnagetelected
Withourinfluenceashisguide
Voters
:Thankyou,forallyourservice.
Jeb
:Youmaybethinkingofmybrotherordad
Interests:
Illleaveyoutoit!
Company
:Numberthree!
OneInterest:
IknowthesevoterslikeIknowmyownmind
Youwillneverfindanygroupasgullibleorblind
IfItellthemtosupporthimtheywillhappilycomply
Theyllbemine!
Interests:
Wellsayhesfine.
Interests/Company
:Wellbelying!
Interests:
CausewhenwefantasizeatnightitsDubyascampaign
Asweromanticizewhatmighthavehappenedifhehadn'tmade
Mistakessoquickly
AtleastourJebisstillinthegame
Atleastwegetsomeonewiththename
Interests:
ToourJeb!
Company:
ToourJeb!ToourJeb!ToourJeb!
Interests:
JebBush!
Company
:JebBush!JebBush!JebBush!
Interests
:Fromyoursupporters
Company:
Theinterestgroups
Theinterestgroups
Interests:
Wellgiveyourcampaignapush
Company:
Apushapush
Interests
:Toyournomination!
Company
:TotheRNC!TotheGOP!
Interests:
Andthehopethatyouprovide
Company
:Provide,youprovide
Interests
:Mayyoualways
Company
:Always
Interests
:Beonourside
Company
:Onourside
Interests
:Andweknow,
(shruggingandlookingateachother)
hesaprettyokayguy.
Andweknow
Hewillalwaysbeonourside
12.TheStoryofIraq(Reprise)
McCain:
ImayhavelivedtoseetwoGulfWars!
Christie/Graham:
ImayhavelivedtoseetwoGulfWars!
McCain:
Theywerenotblundersafterall.
Christie/Graham:
Theywerenotblundersafterall.
McCain:
CauseifHalliburtonstocks36keeprising
Christie/Graham:
IfHalliburtonstockskeeprising
McCain:
Thereshopeforourass,afterall!
Graham
:RaiseaglasstoFreedom.
Christie/Graham:
Hey!Somethingyouwillneverseeagain!
Christie
:Nomatterwhattheytellus!
Graham
:Welldrinktolotsmorebombstonight!
McCain
:RaiseaglasstoSaddamHussein!
McCain/Jeb:
Ho!
Christie
:Rememberweblewouthisbrain!
McCain/Graham/Jeb:
Woo!
Graham
:WelltellthestoryofIraq!
McCain
:LetsdestroyISISin
Jeb
:Well,ifitisntDonaldTrump
36
http://www.politifact.com/truthometer/statements/2010/jun/09/ariannahuffington/halliburtonkbrandiraqw
arcontractinghistorys/
Trump
:Humph
Jeb
:Ididntthinkthatyouwouldshowup.
Trump:
Harumph
Christie/Graham:
Trump!
Trump
:Icametoshoutinsultations.
Graham
:Spitaverse,Trump!
Trump:
Iseeallofthelosershere.
McCain
:Youaretheworst,Trump!
Jeb:
Youresomean.Youhurtmyfeelings,Iminaslump.
IwishyoudstopbullyingmyfriendsandI,Chump.
Trump:
Icant,frump.
Jeb:
Well,whynot?
Trump:
Itsjusttooeasy.
Youresosadandawkwardandpatheticandcheesy
McCain:
Well,well,Iheard
Youvegotaspecialsomeoneontheside,Trump
Jeb:
Isthatso?
McCain:
Whatareyoutryintohide,Trump?
Trump:
Youshouldgo
Jeb:
ButitsmyParty
Graham:
Wow
McCain:
Ok...
Jeb:
Leaveusalone
Christie:
Man
Jeb:
Nomorespite,Trump.Iwishyoudbroughtthisgirlwithyoutonight,Chump.
Trump:
Yourepitiful,butImafraiditsunlawful,rump.
Jeb:
Whatdoyoumean?
Trump
:Shesrelated.
Jeb:
Isee
Trump:
Shesrelatedtome,shesmydaughter.
Jeb
:Daughterinlaw?
Trump:
No,mydaughter.Whatabeauty,thatone.
IfIwerenthappilymarriedandherdad37
Jeb:
Iwillneverunderstandyou
Howcanyousaythatshit,youresogross!
Haveyounoconscience?
Trump:
Illseeyouontheothersideofthestage.
Jeb:
Illseeyouontheothersideofthestage.
37
http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/people/20060307trump_x.htm
13.PayforIt
Trump:
Ourgovernmentmakesbaddealseveryday(day,day,day)
Allthedealsthatwemakesendthegoodjobsaway(way,way,way)
OurPresidentisadisaster
AllofouriPhonesarewired
Wellimmafixthisdisaster
CauseObamayourefired
Iwouldnotnegotiate
BetweentheUSandIran38
Theworst,Icanttellyouhowbad
Andwekeepmakingcrappydeals
Tremendouslybad
Ohsoverytremendouslysad
AndIftheresareasonImgonnawin
Theartofthedealismything
Immamakethempayforit
Mygrandfatherwasahotelandbrownstonesella39
Buttherearemanythingsthatthoseoldguyscanttellya
Mymomwasaphilanthropist
Myfathergavemeasmallloan
Beforetheydied,Ihadturnedtheirmoney
Intoafortuneonmyown
Iwouldnotreactivate
TheCubanEmbassy40
Thedeal,itssobad,theydontsee
Andwekeepmakingbaddeals
Tremendouslybad
Ohsoverytremendouslysad
38
39
40
https://www.whitehouse.gov/issues/foreignpolicy/irandeal
http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2015/08/themanwhomadetrumpwhoheis121647
http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/14/world/usembassyreopenscubahavana/
AndiftheresareasonImgonnawin
Theartofthedealismything
PAYFORITX3
Trump
:ImgonnamakeMexicopayforthewall41
PAYFORITX4
Trump
:Iamupinallthepolls,Imthegreatestofthemall
PAYFORITX4
Trump
:Imnotfallingbehindorrunninglate
PAYFORITX4
Trump
:TogetherwewillmakeAmericagreat
GREATx3
Trump
:Jebfacesanendlessdownhillfall
FALLx3
Trump
:Hehaseverythingtoprove,Hehassomuchtolose
LOSEx3
Trump
:Jebspaceisaslowandasteadycrawl
CRAWLx3
Trump
:Whatisitlikeinhislosershoes?
(Interjects)
Idontknow,andIdontcare
Jebissuchabigmistake
Heseemslikesuchafake
41
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trumpwouldseektoblockmoneytransferstoforcemexicotofu
ndborderwall/2016/04/05/c0196314fa7c11e580e4c381214de1a3_story.html
Hetakesandhetakesandhetakes
Butmoneycanthelphiscampaign
Amanthatssolame
Anembarrassmenttohisownname
AndiftheresareasonImgonnawin
WhenpeoplelikeJebmakemecringethengoddammitIwillmakethempayforit
Immamakethempayforit.
PAYFORITX4
Iwouldnotnegotiate
Thewaywehaveontrade
Theyretakingthegoodjobsaway
AndifChinahadtheirway
Wedfallandwedfall
Untilwewereworstofthemall42
Butiftheresareasonweregonnawin
Theartofthedeals 43mything
Immamakethempayforit.
42
43
http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/donaldtrumpslovehaterelationshipwithchina/
http://www.amazon.com/TrumpTheDealDonaldJ/dp/0345479173
14.StayintheRace
Voters:
Stayintherace.
V/I/M:
Stayintherace
Jeb
:Ihavenever,everbeensodespondent
CantevengetanappointmentwithaFoxcorrespondent
Thevoterswrite,George,sure,butneveryou,doll.
Iemailback,writingtokidsaboutfootball4445
Myconstituentsdenyusendorsements,assistance
TheyonlyscreamforDonald,likeheneedslessresistance
GW
:Thevotersarentcoming!
Jeb
:Butyourenotrunning
GW
:Jeb,listen,theresonlyonewayforustowinthis
ProvokeDonald,outright
Jeb
:Thatsright
GW
:Dontengage,stayoutofsight
Lethimtalkhimselfoutuntiltheresafight
Jeb
:Makeitimpossibleforhimtofindagoodsoundbite
GW
:Outcampaign
Jeb
:Outcampaign
GW
:Outclass
Jeb
:Outclass
GW
:Stealhiswigquick,getouttatown
Jeb
:Wigadown
44
45
http://deadspin.com/sadjebbushisjustsittingupatnightwaitingtoch1740751274
http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/05/politics/jebbushfootballquestionnewhampshire/
GW
:Stayaliveuntilthishorrorshowispast
Weregonnaflyalotoftoupeshalfmast46
Jeb/McCain/Graham:
Whatanass!
Christie:
IgobacktoJerseyandmybridgegatescandal
Graham
:IreturntoSC,IpraythattheyturnoutforJeb
McCain:
IstayatworkwithJebbyBush
WewritespeechesagainstDemocrats
AndeverydaysatestoftheRNC
AndsuperPACs
Jeb
:Iofferfolkskisses,IdodgeDonaldsdisses
IupdatemyTwitterandemphasizemyriches
Andevryday
Bro,areyousurethecampaignaintremiss?
Andevryday
GW
:Huh?
Jeb
:Withasigh,Iamdismissed
Insteadofcauses,hepromotesawkwardpauses
Foescanquicklymakeastance.
Palin
:Timetodrill,baby,drilldown!
Jeb
:Yeah.Ikindofwanttosaysomething,butwait
Jeb/McCain/Graham:
SheneverstopsgoingoffbouthowTrumpsgreat!
GW
:Jeb,saysomethingcool!
Palin:
Rightwingin!47
Jeb
:Ithinkthat
46
47
http://www.msn.com/enus/news/politics/trumpiswearmyhairisnotatoupee/arBBm9XyO
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/21/us/politics/sarahpalinendorsementspeechdonaldtrump.html
Trump
:Bitterclingin!
GW
:Whatareyoudoing,bro?Sayanything,go!
Jeb
:Butshewontletmetalk!
Palin
:ProudclingersofourgunsourGodourreligionandour
GW:
Goddamnit!
Jeb:
What,bro?
GW:
Letherrant,sinceyourenopro.
Jeb
:Yes,bro
McCain
:AthousandviewersareconvincedbySarahPalinsspeech
Graham
:Asshegetsaninterview,aplatformforhertopreach.
Jeb
:Newsanchorsalwayslethersaywhatsonhermind
ShestartedsayingallthisstuffIcannotgetbehind
Palin
:Washingtoncannotbeleftalonetoitsdevices
GiveTrumpprices,hellfixallourcrises
ThebestthingDubyahBushdidinofficeisconstantlywhine
AndleavetheWhiteHouseforgoodin09.
Audience
:Ooh
GW
:Dontdoathing,youdonthaveagoodcomeback.
Jeb
:But
GW
:Wehaveacampaigntorun,saveallyourwisecracks
McCain
:StrongwordsfromPalin,areyougonnaletthemslide?
Jeb
:Icantthinkrightnow,andIvetried.
McCain
:Thendebateit.
JebExclamation.YouretheonlycandidateIlljoin.
Jeb
:McCain,donotletmeforgetmypoint.
15.TenDebateCommandments
Ensemble:
One,two,three,four,five
Six,seven,eight,nine
Itsthetendebatecommandments!
Trump/Jeb/McCain/Palin:
Itsthetendebatecommandments!
NumberOne!
Palin:
Thechallenge:demandallattention.
Theywontapologize,theyjustwanttheirnightlymention.
Ensemble:
Numbertwo!
Jeb:
Dontthinktheyreyourfriends,notforasecond
Trump:
Talkloud,beproud,useyourinsultsasaweapon
Ensemble:
Numberthree!
Palin:
Haveyourargumentsfacetoface
Trump:
Negotiateawall
Jeb:
Ornegotiatestuffforthestates
Trump:
Buttheyreeverywhere,speciallytweenborders
Ensemble:
Scoresandscoresofimmigrantscausedisorder!48
Ensemble:
Numberfour!
Jeb
:Youcanonlyspeakifsomeoneinvokesyourname49
Thismightnotbodewellformycampaign.
Rubio:
Eitherwatchwhatyousayandspeakwithcivility
Trump:
Orpopoffatthemouthandjustdenyaccountability
48
49
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/11/us/republicandebatefoxbusiness.html
https://politicalwire.com/2015/08/02/foxnewssetsrulesfordebate/
Ensemble:
Five!
SarahPalin:
HonortheRepublicansandReagan50
Ensemble:
EventhoughtheGeneralElectionhasntyetbegun!
Numbersix!
Jeb:
ShowoffyourlovefortheNRA51
Whatchusay,gottahelpthegunloversgettheirway
Ensemble
:Seven!
SarahPalin:
Getpsychedtowin!
Readyforthatmomentofadrenalinewhen
TheMCsaysthedebatebegins.
Ensemble:
Numbereight!
Ensemble:
Yourlastchancetoretaliate
Sendinyourinsults,orelseyourpollswillstagnate
Trump:
Itsthefrump!
Jeb:
ItsJebBush,chump.
Trump:
CanweagreethatIhavethebestwords,grump?
Jeb:
*humph*
ButdoyouknowwordsotherthanChina,Trump?
Trump:
Mexico?Webothknowthatsabsurd,lump.
Jeb:
Fullstop,youresayingvoterstakeyouseriouslywiththatvocabulary?
Trump:
BettersayaHailMary.
Ensemble
:Numbernine!
50
51
http://fortune.com/2015/09/17/reaganrepublicandebate/
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/republicanshitguncontrolgopdebatearticle1.2497715
Jeb:
Dontlookemintheyeyeorgiveemthought
Findthelittlecouragethatyouvegot
Thencount.
Ensemble:
One,two,three,four,five,six,seven,eight,nine
Jeb/Trump:
Numberten!
Ensemble:
Takeyourshot!
16.MeetThemOnStage
Jeb:
Graham,doyouyield?
Trump
:Hiscampaignisfriedyes,heyields!52
McCain
:NowhesbyJebsside53
Trump
:Yo,wegottashrinkthefield
Jeb:
Jindalsalsodone!
Ensemble:
HerecomesGW
Trump:
Thisshouldbefun
GW
:Whatisthemeaningofthis?Whatshappeningtoourestablishment?
Trump
(eyeroll)
:Whatamess
GW
:Graham,youalwaysagreewithme
Andbelieveme,youngJebwillbethenominee
Thankyouforyourservice
Trump
:Wheresyourage?!
GW
:Jeb!
Jeb
:Bro?
GW
:Meetthemonstage
Ensemble:
Meetthemonstage
Meetthemonstage
GW
:John
52
53
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/lindseygrahamsuspendspresidentialcampaign217028
http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/15/politics/lindseygrahamjebbushendorsement/
Jeb
:DontcallmeJohn
GW
:Thisprimaryishardenoughwithoutinfighting
Jeb
:Trumpcalledyoualiar.Wecalledhisbluff
GW
:Yousolvenothing,youonlysplitthePartyintogreaterfactions
Jeb
:Youreabsolutelyright,butthevotersarefeelingnodissatisfaction,Trumpisstillwayup
GW
:John
Jeb
:ImnotyourJohn
GW
:Watchyourtone,Iamgivingstrategerytothecampaign,Iamgrown
Jeb
:SarahPalin,DonaldTrump,
Thesefoolstakeourname
Andtheykeeponmakingfun
GW
:Ournamesbeenthroughalot,wecantakeit
Jeb
:WellIamnotaGeorge,Idonthaveyourtitles,
IamjustaJeb
Butifyou
GW:
No.
Jeb:
IfIcaughttheminaweb
Oftheirlies,launchattacksonTrump,
Icouldflyabovemypolls,winovervotes
GW:
Youcannotattack,Jeb,weneedyouintact
Jeb:
Immorethanreadytoattack
GW:
Yourvotersneedinyouintact,John,Ineedyouintact
Jeb
:CallmeJohnonemoretime.
GW
:Godebate,Jeb,exclamation.Thatsanorderfromyourformerheadofnation.
17.AtLeastThatsSomething,Right?
Voters
:Lookaround,lookaround,anelectionyearishappeninginourstaterightnow.
Lookaround,lookaround.
Jeb
:Howlonghaveyouknown?
Voters
:Amonthorso.
Jeb
:Voters,youshouldhavetoldme.
Voters
:ItweetedatGeorgeW.amonthago.
Jeb
:No.
Voters
:Ibeggedhimtosendyouhome
Jeb
:Youshouldhavetoldme
Voters
:Imnotsorry
Iknewyoudcampaignuntiltheprimarywaswon
Jeb
:Theprimarysnotdone!
Voters
:Butyoudeserveachancetomeetyourson.
Lookaround,lookaround,anelectionyearishappeninginourstaterightnow.
Jeb
:Willyourelishbeingalosersconstituents?
Unabletorepresentyourvalues
Voters
:Irelishbeingyourconstituents.
Lookaround,lookaround
Lookatwhereyouare.
Lookatwhereyoustarted.
Thefactthatyoureintheracewell,itsnotamiracle.
Butstayintherace.Atleastthatssomething,right?
AndifLittleMarco54
54
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/trumpbelittlesrubiolittlemarco
Sharesofafractionofyourjowls
Orafragmentofyourmeekness,
Lookout,America,
Atleastthatssomething,right?
Idontpretendtoknow
Thechallengersyourefacing
Theflubsyoukeepcreating
Andrecreatingeveryday.
ButImnotafraid.
IknowwhoIsupport.
SolongasyouwinFloridaattheendoftheday,
Youhavequitealegacy.
Youhavelotsofmoney.
IfIcouldgiveyoupersonality,
Ifyouwouldletmeshowmyheart...
Oh,letmebeapartoftheJebcampaign,
OfthetweetstheyllquoteonBuzzfeed.
Oh,letthisbethefirstelection,
WhereFloridaiswhatyouneed...
Atleastitssomething,right?
Atleastweresomething,right?
Atleastthatssomething,right
18.HesNotMitt
AndersonCooper:
Howdoesanoutsider,uncouth,sexist,sonofadeveloper
Cometorepresentaglobalsuperpower?
HowwilltheGOPrecoverfromthis
Trump:
Yourefired!
MegynKelly:
Leavesthemoderatorshurtingandtired
Thepollsarepredictingarmageddon
TheBushbrotherweknowbutdontloveisseriouslyslippin
Trumpsconstantlyconfusing,dodginthesimplestquestion
WhatthehellishappeningtoAmericasgreatestinstitution?
V/I/M:
Trumpsathreat!
Trump
(pointingatMegynKelly)
:Youcouldseetherewasbloodcomin
55
outofherwhereverIllrefrain
V/I/M:
Trumpsathreat
Trump:
ImnevergonnastopuntilImakeJeb
Admitdefeatandthrowhishandsupinshame
V/I/M:
Trumpsathreat
Trump:
Watchmeengaginem,escapinem,enraginem!No.
V/I/M:
Trumpsathreat
Trump:
Ivegotmyselfformostfunds
V/I/M:
Trumpsathreat
Trump:
Smalldonorsforanymore
Trump/Ensemble:
Hes
NotMitt
AndsothePartyshifts
55
http://nypost.com/2015/08/08/trumpmegynkellyhadbloodcomingoutofherwherever/
GW:
WhatshappeningtotheGOP?HowcouldTrumpformtheserifts!
Trump:
WecouldendthisthingbyFlorida,knowwhothepresidentllbe,but
Formetosucceed,theressomethingIstillneed
V/I/M:
MURICANS!
Trump:
Sure,Illneverwinoverthatwench(pointingatMegynKelly)
Offensiveandfluentinfallacies,Imean.
V/I/M:
MURICANS!
Trump:
Willlearntovoteformeeventually!
WhatsJebgonnaofferasdefence?Imean
V/I/M:
MURICANS!
Trump:
Wonttireofmybrilliance
Willrecognizemyhardworkandresilience
V/I/M:
MURICANS!
Trump:
Theywillfightforourgreatlandback!
V/I/M:
MURICANS!
Trump:
Imatrailblazer,
Illbushwhack
V/I/M:
MURICANS!
GW:
Trumpllsteerthiscountrydown
thewrongtrack
Trump:
OvalOfficeneedsaright
wingmanback
V/I/M:
Needsaright
wingmanback
Trump:
Youknowwegottagetaright
wingmanback
V/I/M:
Aright
wingmanback
V/I/M:
MURICAN!
Trump:
Imtheonewhollbeat
Hillary
outofthislot,Imthe
bestshottheGOPsgot
Togettheirrightwingmanback
GW:
TroopsIdeployedarehauntingyou,
Ifwechangetacticsnow,togetherwecanchangethetide
Oh,JebBush,exclamationpoint!
Ihaventbeenthebestbrotheritstrue
Butifyoucontinuethefight
Wemightstillmakethisright
Theworldcouldremainthesame,Exclamation...
19.FOXNewsHasItsEyesOnYou:
GW:
Iwasdumberthanyouarenow
WhenIwasissuedaDUI 56
IthoughttheRangerswouldattractmorefame57
ButasAmericasnumberoneguy
Theysmearedmyeverymistake
MyPRteamcriedwithme
IntheWhiteHouseIlieandfake
KnowingFOXNewshasitseyesonme
Jeb/GW:
FOXNewshasitseyesonme.
GW:
Letmetellyou,bro,IwishIdknown
WhenIwashighonTexasglory
Youhavenocontrol
GW/Company:
Whowins,whodrops,whomemesyourstory
GW:
Floridawasquiteawin
Iknowthoseschmucksbelieveinyou
Buttakethiswarningfromyourkin
Jeb/GW/Company:
FOXNewshasitseyesonyou.
FullCompany:
FOXNewshasitseyesonyou.
56
57
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpsrv/aponline/20001103/aponline112738_000.htm
http://static.espn.go.com/mlb/bush/timeline.html
20.Iowa(JebistheBestWeveGot)
Ensemble:
TheIowaCaucuses,twothousandandsixteen
Graham
:Point,exclamation!
Jeb
:Mr.LindseyGraham!
Graham
:Runningforpresidentfun?
Jeb
:Imlesshappythanaclam
Imtakingapummeling,itsextremelytough
Graham:
Candidates
Jeb/Graham:
Theymakeyourliferough
Jeb
:SowhathappensifIwin?
Graham
:Westartacceptingscience58
OurPartysgoneinsane,wecannolongerdenyit.59
Jeb
:Pleasejusthelpmethrough
Graham
:Godebate,friend.
Jeb
:ReallyhopethatIsurvive
Graham
:Tiltheshitshowends,dontblow
Ensemble:
58
http://www.slate.com/blogs/moneybox/2015/10/28/lindsey_graham_talks_sense_at_debate_about_climate
_change.html
59
http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2016/02/lindseygrahamjustperfectlysummed2016race%E2%80%9
Cmypartyhasgonebatshitcrazy
Jeb
:Iamthebestyouvegot
Ensemble:
Jebisthebestwevegot
Jeb
:Iimaginelosingsomuchitfeelsmorelikeamemory
Ifailedtoengageyouth,Itoldthetruth
Thevotingboothaheadofme
Ifthisistheendofme,atleastIhaveafriendwithme
iPhoneinmyhand,acommand,andmydadwithme
ThenIremembermymoneysexpectingme
Notonlythat,butthePACsareexpecting
Igottarun,gottagoprovemyself
Gottaoutshinemybrother,getmypictureontheshelf!
Getthetweetsoutonyourphone!
CampaignWorkers:
What?
Jeb
:Thetweetsoutonyourphone!
CampaignWorkers:
What?
Jeb:
TweetoutuntilImonasocialmediathrone
Throughthenight,wehaveoneshottorunanotherday
Wecannotletastrayeggaccountgiveusaway
Wewillpostupclose,seizethemomentandstayinit
ItseitherthatormeetthebusinessendofaFacebookthreat
Thecodewordisviralmeme,digme?
CampaignWorkers:
Viralmeme!
Jeb:
Youhaveyourordersletslivethedream!
AndsothefirstTrumpfreeGOPdebatebegins60
Myopponentstrynabeatmeforthiswin
TeddyCruzisfightinwiththemoderator,fillingupwithrage.
60
http://www.nytimes.com/politics/firstdraft/2016/01/26/donaldtrumpwillskipnextrepublicandebatehisca
mpaignmanagersays/
Cruz:
(andJebinamockingvoice):
Ifyouguysaskonemoremeanquestion,Imayleavethe
61
stage
Jeb:
NowthatDonaldsatleastfornowgoneaway
LindseyGrahamistherewaitingjustoutsidethefray
Howdidweknowthatthisplanwouldwork?
Wehadaguypullinghisweight
Jeb/Ensemble:
Thatsright,
GovernorChristie!
Christie:
ThisJerseyboysgonnabethePOTUSfam
YoubetterstayupinyourlanesorIllmakeemjam
Ensemble:
Woah!
Christie:
ItriedtowinthisgamebeforebutthenIlosttoMitt
Gottasupersizemychanceatnominationcauseimlovinit
Seeimmakeepitclassyupagainsttheseruffians
Watchalltheseothersguysactlikefoolsthentocoverit
Thevotersgonnapicksomeonewhoneedsnointroduction
WhenyouknockmedownIgetgetthefuckbackupagain.
Ensemble:
Health!Wealth!GunControl!
Go!
What!What!What!
Jeb:
Afterhoursofdebating,ayoungChrisWallacestandsathisbrowndesk
Cruz:
Wequietourbickeringashefranticallywaveshishandstogetourattention
Christie:
Andjustlikethat,its
over.
Wegatherournotecards,wewipeoursweat.
Rubio:
Youngandoldcandidateswonderalikeifthismeanswegettogohomenow
Jeb
(interjecting)
:Itsyourbedtime,Marco.
GW/Marco:
Not.Yet.
Jeb:
Theydiscusstheresultsofourarguments
61
http://www.mediaite.com/tv/itisadebatesirwallacepushesbackagainstcruzforcomplainingaboutques
tions/
IseeGeorgeW.scowl
Wereescortedawayfromourpodiums
Weallmilloffintothecrowd
Severalthousandsofpeoplealltryingtoleave
Sharingchucklesanddullconversation
AsIexitthebuildingIknowtheybelieve
Theycouldtoleratemeastheheadoftheirnation!
CampaignWorkers:
Jebisthebestwevegot.
Ensemble:
Jebisthebestwevegot
Jebisthebestwevegot
Jebisthebestwevegot
Vote
Vote,vote,vote
Cruz:
VoteforTedCruz,dontvoteforMarcoRubio!
Ensemble:
Vote,vote,vote
Jeb:
GottabeatDonaldTrump
Gottaget3rdplace
Ensemble:
Vote,vote,vote
Rubio:
Ilost!
Christie:
Ilost!
Jeb:
Ilost!
Cruz:
Iwon!62
Jeb:
Iwasthebesttheyhad!
62
http://www.nytimes.com/elections/results/iowa
21.WhoComesNext
BarackObama:
Yousay...myPresidencyisonethatyoucannotabide
InsaneObamacarepasses,youvotetorepealfiftytimes63
Imsoblue
RememberwehadarecessionwhenBushwentaway
Passedastimulustoo
Wellevendespiteourestrangement,Ivegotjustonequeryforyou
Whocomesnext
Afterme
Doyouthink
YoucanbeatHillary
Youreonyourown
UhhAwesome.Wow.
Doyouhaveacluewhathappensnow?
MittRomney,JohnMcCain
Theylookexcellentcomparedtotoday
Allalone,theGOP,
Whenthepeoplevoteforanotherliberal,
Dontcomecrawlingbacktome
Youreonyourown.
63
http://www.msnbc.com/rachelmaddowshow/obamacarerepealdeadendersrefusemove
22.DearIvanka
Trump:
MydearIvanka,whattosaytoyou?
Youhavemyheart,youhaveyourmothersframe
Whenyoucameintotheworld,yousmiled,anditmademeblush
Imdedicatingmycampaigntoyou
Beautifulwomenhavealwaysbeenmystyle
Whenyousmile,youknockmeout,Ifallapart
EventhoughIamsosmart.
Youhavecometobeaninspiration
Iwilldebateforyou
IllmakeitGREATforyou64
IfIlayastrongenoughfoundation
Illuseitwellforyou,tobuildawallforyou
Andyoullblowusallaway
Someday,someday
Yeah,youllblowusallaway
Someday,someday.
Jeb:
Oh,MarcowhenyousmileIamundone
My(son)
Lookatmy(son)
PrideisnotthewordImlookingfor,
Donttalktomeormysoneveragain.
Oh,MarcoyououtshinetheCubansun65,
Myson,
WhenyouaccuseObama,Ifallapart,
AndIthoughtIwassosmart.
Myfatherwaspresident,
IswearIllbepresidentforyou
Jeb
:Illmakeamillionmistakes
Trump
:Illgoandraiseupthestakes
Jeb/Trump
:Illkeepthevotessafeandsound,
64
65
http://shop.donaldjtrump.com/productp/dtcodtrhrd.htm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marco_Rubio#Early_life.2C_education.2C_and_entry_into_politics
Foryouwillcomeofagewithouroldnation
Wewilldebateforyou
WellmakeitGREATforyou
Ifwelayastrongenoughfoundation
Jeb
:Illpassitontoyou.
Trump:
Illbuildawallforyou,
Jeb/Trump
:Andyoullblowusallaway
Someday,someday
Yeah,youllblowusallaway
Someday,someday.
23.FullStop
Trump
:AAfterIowaIwentbacktothetrail
Jeb:
AAfterIowaIwentbacktothetrail.
Trump:
Ifinishedupmytweetsandsomefolks,Isued
Jeb:
Iranforprez,Trumpscreamedandbooed.
Trump:
Eventhoughhestartedwaybeforemytime,
SadweakJebbegantofallbehind
Howtoaccountforhisfallfromthetop?
Maaaaan,themanisFullStop!
Jeb:
GentlemenofNewHampshireImcurious,bearwithme
Areyouawareyoucouldmakehistory?
ThisisthechancetostopTrumporCruzfromrunningournation
Theenergybehindmyexclamation!
Iintendtoprovebeyondashadowofadoubt
ThatAmericawantsme.
Trump:
Pathetic!
Jeb,sitdown!
Americaisangry,showmeyourpolls
ThatsallIhavetosay.
Jeb:
Okayonemorething!
Trump:
WhydoyouassumethatAmericawantsyou?
Soonthatattitudemaybeyourdoom!
Whydoyoucrylikeaweakpatheticman?
Weak,weak,weak,justlikeyourbroanddad?
Everydayyouresad,justthesaddestmanofall.
Keeponlosinginthemeantime.
Ensemble:
FULLSTOP!
Jeb:
Pollsareoftenquitewrong66,wecanignorethemprettyhappily,
Andnowherearetheywrongerthaninprimaries,
Thevoterturnoutisincreasinglystalling,
Honestlythatswhytheelectionseemstobecallingme.
All:
HesjustFullStop!
Jeb:
Ipracticedcampaigning,Ipracticallyperfectedit,
IgotatickettomynamebutIwasntelectedyet
Nowformylastnametocarryme
Ifnottheyllforgetme
LegacydefinedbyturtlesIgaveforfree
Trump:
WeakJebrisinginthepollinginNewHampshire
Jeb:
IwasrisinginthepollingtakeninNewHampshire!67
Trump:
UpfromhissadsixthplaceinIowa68
Jeb:
NowwhatImgonnasaymightmakesomeofyouguffaw
Trump:
Goesandproposesthathesthebestcandidate!ThatpatheticJebistheverybest
candidate!Givessomanyspeeches,theestablishmentislistless!
Establishment:
Boringoldman,yo,whothefisthis?
Trump:
Whydoyoualwaystalkaboutyourbro?
Theweakestpresident,afterBarryO
WhydoyoubringuptheBushnamecantyousee
Ha,gonnagetthatmediaforfree
Whydoyoucampaignwithsolittleenergy?
66
https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/politics/2016/01/22/whatpollsareallwrong/UZ2a0PRYqDxkD7cwr76N
XN/story.html
67
http://thehill.com/blogs/ballotbox/presidentialraces/268062polltrumpleadsjebby17pointsinnh
68
http://theweek.com/speedreads/603030/jebbushpaid2884iowavotethat6thplacefinish
Campaigningdayandnightwithzeroenergy?
Everydayyousinkevenlower,verysad
Keepbeingweak
*clapclapclap*
Trump:
Jeb?
Jeb:
DonaldTrump,Chump.
Trump:
Itsthemiddleofthecampaign?
Jeb:
Mypollshavemadeajump.
Trump:
Whydoesthisevenmatter?
Jeb:
BecauseIwantyoutosee
Trump:
Whatdoyouneed?
Jeb:
Trump,yoursupportershavemoreenergy
Trump:
Duh
Jeb:
IknowItalktoosoftandImpouty
Youreterribleonstage,youresomeanandshouty
OurPartyneedsastrongcandidate,yourenotthesolution
Trump:
Whatsyourdeal?
Jeb:
Yourcampaignstotaldissolution.
Trump:
No!
Jeb:
Hearmeout!
Trump:
Noway!
Jeb:
Aseriesofcorporations,constantlyfailing69
Showingyourlackofbusinesssavvytothepublic
69
http://www.nationalreview.com/article/431420/donaldtrumps2016debatelieshewentbankrupt
Trump:
Noonewillcare!
Jeb:
Idisagree.
Trump:
Youregonnafail.
Jeb:
No,youregonnabeatit!
Trump:
Jeb,youreamess.70
Jeb:
SoIneedapeptalk
Trump:
Youresuchasadman
Jeb:
Atleastmydadrocks.71
Youneedtostartlosing
Trump:
No,noway.
Jeb:
Youremakingamistake
Trump:
Forfuckssake,goaway.
Jeb:
Hey,whatareyourpolicies,whatllyouvotefor?
Trump:
What?
Jeb:
Yourethefrontrunnerbutwhatdoyoustandfor?DoyousupporttheRepublicanParty?
72
Trump
Ofcourse.
Jeb:
Thenleaveit.
Trump:
AndwhatifyoulosetotheDemocratsfavoritehorse?
70
71
72
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMcIdVuY88
http://www.headlinepolitics.com/jebbushfathergreatestmanalive/
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2015/12/16/donaldtrumpjebbushcnngopdebatesot.cnn
Jeb:
Trump,wedebated,andwefoughtandweyelled
Forthechanceofnominationthattheprimariesheld
Foronceinyourlife,dosomethingforanother
Ijustwanttobepresjustlikemyolderbrother
Trump:
Imbuildingawall,Illmakeitthebest(Ensemble:Theyllpayforit,payforit)
Illsueyouandlaughasyourcampaignimplodes
Imtakingmytime,watchingthecountrysrejuvenation
Watchingthegreatnessgrow.
Interests:
IamworkingthroughthewholeSouth,
Iamaccompaniedbycompanieswhoalwayspay.
WallStreet,theKochBrothers,theywillkeepmeincomfortforthiscampaign.
Theyarenotalotoffunbut...well,theyalloutmatchyou,forturnofphrase.
MymeekestJebBush
Dontforgettoemail.
Voters:
Lookatwhereyouare.
Lookatwhereyoustarted.
Thefactthatyoureintherace...well,itsnotamiracle.
ButyoullwinFlorida.Atleastthatssomething,right?
Andifyourstatecouldshareafractionofyourtime
Ifwecouldgiveyoupersonality
Woulditbesomethingright?
Trump:
JebjoinsforceswithJohnKasichandChrisChristietotakeaseriesofstances
defendingthemoderatesintheRepublicanParty,entitledtheNewHampshireTownHalls.73
Theplanwastotogiveatotaloftwentyfivespeeches,thewordsdividedevenlyamongthe
threemen.Intheendtheyhostedeightyfiveeventsinthespanoftwoweeks.
ChrisChristiegotsickaftergivingfive.
JohnKasichgavetwentynine.
Jebgavetheotherfiftyone!
Trump:
Howdoyouthinkthatyouhaveachancetowin?
Speakingandtalkinglikeyouvegotachancetowin?
Everydayyoucryandyouhavenochancetowin,
Notasinglechancetowin,
Trumpstheonlyonewhowins!
73
http://www.cspan.org/video/?4041921/jebbushtownhallmeetingderrynewhampshire
Ensemble:
Whydoyourunwhenyoure30pointsbehind?
Howdoyougowhenyoure4thplacebackinline?
Howdoyougowithoutasinglewinthistime?
Everyprimarygoesby,notasinglewinortie?
GW:
TheyareaskingCruztolead.
Youcantpossiblybedoingthebestyoucan,
Togetthepeoplethatyouneed,
Youhavetostepitup,myrightwingman!
Jeb
:Keeprunningorletitgo?
GW
:Iknowitsalottoask
Jeb
:Keeprunningorletitgo?
GW
:Tostanduptoallthesefoes
Jeb
:Bro,doyouwantmetokeeprunningorletitgo?
GW
:Keeprunning.
Jeb
:Ohno.
Voters
:Jeb!
Jeb
:Ihavetoleave.
Voters
:Jeb!
Jeb
:Lookaround,lookaround,
Anelectionyearishappeninginournationrightnow.
Voters
:Voting...
Jeb
:Theyareaskingmetorun!
Voters
:Lookaround!
AtleastFloridaissomething,right?
Interests
:Hewillalwaysbeonourside
Onourside
Onourside
GW
:FoxNewshasitseyesonyou!
AllOverlapping:
Trump:
Soonthatattitudemaybeyourdoom!
Whydoyoucrylikeaweakpatheticman?
Ensemble:
Fullstop!
Interests
:Hewillalwaysbeonourside
Onourside
Onourside
Voters:
GW:
FoxNewshasitseyesonyou!
All:
WhydoyouassumethatAmerica,wants,you?
Jeb
:Iamnotthrowingawaymahpoint!
IamJebBush,ExclamationPoint(ExclamationPoint)
Justpleaseclap!
Iamnotthrowingawaymahpoint!
ACTII
24.MyPollNumbersJump
Ensemble:
Twenty...TweTweTwentytwetweTwenty
Trump
:TwentySixteen
Howdoesthesad,brokendown,disempowered
Waytoofundedloser
GetalltheGOPsendorsements.
Fighttheothercandidatestilhemustforsurequit
Haveitall,loseitall,
Readyforsomemoreshit?
RepublicanCandidate.
Obamasstillthepresident
Everysingleteleviseddebatesetsaprecedent
Notsofast.Someonecamealongfromthebottom
SenatorfromTexaswhomourPartyhadforgotten
HewoninIowa,wethoughthehadnochance
Buthesdenyinscience,gotthatwholeTeaPartystance
Itsrathertellingthatnoonehaseversaid74
YousimplymustmeetTed.
Ensemble:
TedCruzisgettingvooootes
TedCruzisgettingvooootes75
TedCruzisgettingvotes
Lord,hesbeenoffinIowa
Forsolong
Cruz:
Obamadestroyedthiscountrysveryvalues
Thereisnomoreliberty
Ifyouwantthatback
Imyournominee
IcameinfirstplaceattheIowaCaucus
74
75
http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/12/whyeveryoneincongresshatestedcruz.html
http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/electionspodcastcruzrising/
ThenIsaid,IGottago
GottagetouttoNewHampshire
Getoutandgetthevote....
Ensemble:
Aaaaoooo
Cruz:
Mypollnumbersjump
Mypollnumbersjump
Texasmyhomesweethome,gonnagivemeabump
IvebeeninIowa,meetingallthefarmers
ThepollsaresayingthatImquitethecharmer
ButevenwithmysuccessIstilllosetoTrump
Ensemble:
Aaaaaoooo
Cruz:
TheresapostonmywallfromsomeFOXnewsguy
Haventevencheckedthenewpollsyet
Heidi76 bealamb,darlinwontchahitreply
ItsaystheMediasassemblingameeting
Andthattherestobeanotherfreakindebate,great!
AndthatImalmoststandingincenterstage
IjustgothomeandnowImheadedtoNewHampshire
Ensemble:
HeadedtoNH!
HeadedtoNH!
Cruz:
LookinattheGraniteStateIcantbelieveTrumpsbeatingme!
ReadytofacehiminthatnextDEBATE
ButwhosstandintherewhenIgouponstage?
BothBenandJohnKasichstandingquitefaraway.
JohngrabsmyarmandIrespondWhatsGoingon?
Ensemble:
Aaaaoooo!
Kasich:
Ted,wearesoconfusedashowtowalkoutontothisverystage
Canyougetusoutofthemesswerein?
Ensemble:
Aaaoooo!
76
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/fivethingstoknowaboutheidicruz/
Kasich:
BenCarsonsinabilitytohearhaslefthalfofusrightoffstage77
Ijustwanttohearmynameandgo
Whereareyougoing?
Cruz:
Uhhh...mypodium
Kasich:
Dontleavemehere!
Cruz:
Mypollnumbersjump!
Ensemble:
Hishishispollnumbersjump!
Cruz:
Mypollnumbersjump!
Ensemble:
Hishishispollnumbersjump!
Cruz:
Headfirsttodebateabunchofchumps!
Ensemble:
Headfirsttodebatesomechumps
Cruz:
Ihavemyopeningstatementtoday
IguessIbetterthinkofsomethingtosay
Theyalreadycalledmyname
TimetodefeatMr.Trump
Ensemble:
Hispolls,theyjump!Aaaoooo!
GW:
Mr.Cruz,welcometoFOXNews!
Jeb:
SenatorTedCruz?JebBush,exclamationpoint!
GWandEnsemble:
Mr.Cruz,welcometoFOXNews!
Ensemble:
Mr.Cruz,welcometoFOXNews
SenatoryouvebeenoffinIowaforsolong!
Cruz:
Butmypollnumbersjump!
77
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/07/abcnewsgopdebateawkwardcandidateentrancesorig
sotvstancws01.abcnews
25.Debate#1
GW:
Ladiesandgentlemen,youcouldhavebeenwatchinganythingintheworldtonightbut
youreherewithusontheFOXBusinessChannel.AreyoureadyforaGOPdebate?
Theissueforthecandidates:DonaldTrumpsplantobuildawallbetweentheUnitedStates
andMexico.GovernorBush,youhaveoneminutesir.
Jeb:
Givemeyourtired,huddledmassesyearningtobefree,
ThatswhatitsaysontheStatueofLiberty.
ThatstheUScreed,greatwordstoliveby.
Maybeweshouldletthemin?Comeon,whydontwetry.
Now,butTedCruzisajerk.
Hereallythinksbuildingawallcouldactuallywork.
Buttryandguesswhythisplanissowhack.
TheonlyexplanationisthathestheZodiac.78
Ted:
Nottrue!
Jeb:
Oh,butthepolicesketchmatches.
Youwanttobuildwalls
Whileourmiddleclasscrashes?Uh,yourprioritiesarewrong
Itstheeconomy,stupid,andyouregonnagetschlonged.
InFlorida,weletimmigrantsin
Werehumane,youjustwannakeepcreatingadin.
Yourimmigrationplanisaridiculousjoke
Itaintgonnamakeussafer,itllmakeusbroke.
Standwithmeinthelandofthefree
Andletsembraceourmulticulturalhistory
Look,mywifeisfromMexicosodonttryme
WhenthepeoplehearyourproposalsImgonnakickyourhiney
GW:
Thankyou,GovernorBush
Jeb
(solemnlyinterjects)
:
Yourewelcome.
GW:
SenatorCruz,yourresponse?
Ted:
Jebby,thatsanicepoemyourecited.
Yourcampaignstinksthatswhyyouwerebarelyinvited
78
http://www.gq.com/story/tedcruzlovessoupzodiackillermaybe
Tothebigboydebate79,wannastayhere?
ThenyouregonnahavetostandbackandlistentowhatIsayhere.
Ifwebuildupthewall,ourcrimeratefalls
Oureconomysoarshigh,wecreatejobsforpoorguys.
Dontyouwantallthat?Ifwetrytokeeptheimmigrantsout
OurcountryisimprovedIamconfusedwhatyoureconfusedabout.
YouthinkColumbasbirthplacematters,heybatter!
YoumustnotknowImCanadian80,thatssadder.
Mywifesanimmigrant,justtrustus
Yeah,stoptalking.
YourbullshitisHillaryous.
Andanotherthing,Mr.ImSuchaModerate!
Donttellmewhattodoorsay,Imnottheodderfit.
LookatthePartysideals,
Weremovingfartotheright
Whileyoureacentrist,wayoffoutofsight!
LittleJebbyBushalwayscoppinoutwiththepopulace
Pompousnessthatshowyoukeepyourselfconfidence
JohnKasich,youthinkyourerelevanthere?Pleasedontkidyourself
Yournewpollnumbersarelowerthanafuckingelf!
Youtwo,justkeepdickingaround.
Jeb,wannakickmyheiney?
Thatsucks,yourfeetaretiny.
GW:
EXCUSEME.TedCruz,JohnKasich,takeawalk.Brother,comewithme.Wellberight
backtotheRepublicandebateafterthisbriefcommercialbreak.Jeb!
Jeb:
What?
GW:
Dude
Cruz/Kasich:
YourplanistheworstyourplanisTHEWORST
*hahahahaHA*
79
http://www.buzzfeed.com/christophermassie/randpaulwillfoxbusinessputjebbushintheundercardde
80
http://www.politifact.com/truthometer/article/2015/mar/26/tedcruzborncanadaeligiblerunpresidentupd
ate/
YouhavenopizzazzonstageandyourplanisTHEWORST.
Cruz:
Suchamoronwhoisalsosuchaboreonstagejustreallymakesmesnoreon
Kasich:
Youjustreallymakehimsnoreon
GW:
Jeb,yourbaddebatesarestartingtowearme.
Jeb:
Imsorrybuttheothercandidatesuptherescareme.
GW:
Littlebrother,Imonstagetoo,letmypresencesootheyou.
Jeb:
Oh,whiletheothercandidatespoohpoohyou?
GW:
Youneedthickerskin.
Jeb:
No,Ijustneedtowin.IhavetosavethisParty
GW:
Ifthatsyourplatform,itsprettydamnthin.
Jeb
(pointingatTrump/Cruz)
:
Thosetwoarehorrible,theirpoliciesarenonstarters
GW:
Sayingthatseasy,littlebrother,winningisharder.
Jeb
(stillpointing)
:
Theydonthaveanyexperience.
GW:
Youdontneedtoconvincemebro!
Jeb:
Ihatethosetwosomuchsometimes...
GW:
Thenattackthemmore,yo.
Jeb:
ButwhathappensifIcantcarveoutideologicalspace?
GW:
Well,youllloseandhavetodropoutoftherace.
Jeb:
Thatsucks
GW:
Getittogether,brother.Yourcampaignisdisappointingourmother.
26.TakeaBreak
Voters:
UnoDosTresCuatroCincoSeisSieteOchoNueve
Marco:
UnoDosTresCuatroCincoSeisSieteOchoNueve
Voters
:MuyBien.
Voters:
SieteOchoNueve
Marco:
SieteOchoNueve
MarcoandVoters:
OneTwoThreeFourFiveSixSevenEightNine!
Jeb
:Mydearestinterests,
Accordingtoallknownlawsofaviation,
thereisnowaythatabeeshouldbeabletofly.
Itrustyoullunderstandthereferenceto
AnotherSeinfeldtragedywithoutmyhavingtonamethefilm
Theythinkmethebee,ambitionismyfolly81
ImanotherBush,apaininatush,amassivepain,
Kasichisthatotherbee,Cruzisalsoabee
AndHillaryisabuzzinonherwaytotakethereigns
Interests:
Andthereyouare,afewstatesaway.
Doyouhavetobeafewstatesaway?
Thoughtsofyousubside,thenIgetanotheremail.
Icannotputthenotionaway!
Voters
:Takeabreak
Jeb:
Iamonthecampaign
Voters:
Theresalittle(Marco)surprisesenator,andhecannotwait
Jeb:
Illbesouthinjustaminute,savemyplace
Voters:
Jebidiah!
81
http://www.scriptorama.com/movie_scripts/a1/beemoviescripttranscriptseinfeld.html
Jeb:
Okay,Okay
Voters:
Yoursonisfortyfouryearsoldtoday
Hehassomethinghedliketosay
Hesbeenpracticingallday
Marcotakeitaway
Marco:
Daddy,Daddy,look
MynameisMarco
Iamapoet
AndIwrotethisspeechjusttoshowit
LetsdispelthisfictionthatBarackObamadoesntknowwhathesdoing
Heknowsexactlywhathesdoing82
Jeb
:What!
Marco
:DispelthefictionObamadoesntknowwhathesdoing
Jeb
:Uhhuh!
Marco
:Because,again,heknowsEXACTLYwhathesdoing!
Jeb
:Ok!
Marco
:WemustdispelthenotionourPresidentdoesnotknowwhathesdoingheknows
EXACTLYwhathesdoing!
Jeb
:Bravo!!
Voters
:Takeabreak!
Jeb
:Hey,LittleMarcosprettygreat.
Voters
:Comedownsouthwithusforthesummer,inyourhomestate.
Jeb
:Voters,Ivegotsomuchonmyplate.
Voters
:WecanallgostayinOrlando.
ShoppingatPublix83
82
83
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q7D3uM93Es
FloridabasedSupermarketchain
http://www.publix.com
Jeb
:Iknow!
Voters
:BuysomeDisneytix
Jeb
:Idlovetogo!
Voters
:YouandI,atEpcot,whenthenightgetsdark
Jeb
:Iwilltrytogetaway
Interests
:MydearestJohnnyEllis,
YoumustgetthroughtoTedCruz
Debatewithhimandholdyourground
Dontstoptillvictory,
Yourfavoritewealthyinterests,
Backinthesouthremindyou
Therearerichmeninyourcorner
AllthewaydowninDixie.
TheemailIreceivedfromyouaweekagoI
Noticedyouusedmyfirstnameinthesubjectline
Ifeltsohonored,likewewerebuddies
Iveneverseenacandidateworksohardtobemine
Itsays,
HiHelen,Jebneedsyourhelp
WithacommaafterHelen
Youvewritten
HiHelen,Jebneedsyourhelp
Anywayallthistosay
Imcominghomethissummer,atthevotersinvitation
IllbethereinOrlando,backinourhomestate.
Iknowyoureverybusy
Iknowyourworksimportant
ButImcrossingthroughCocoa
AndIjustcantwait.
Youwontbeafewstatesaway
Youllonlybeamomentaway.
Voters
:Jeb,comebacktoFlorida,theinterestsarearrivingtoday!
Interests!
Interests
:Voters!
Jeb
:TheFloridamachine.
Interests:
Jeb...Itsgoodtoseeyourface.
Voters
:Interests,tellthiscandidate
MittRomneyspendsthesummerwithhisfamily.
Jeb
:Interests,tellthesevoters
MittRomneyprobablyhasliketenwives84 ,anyway.
Interests
:Yourenotjoiningus,wait?
Jeb
:ImafraidIcannotbeinmyhomestate.
Interests
:Jeb,Icameallthisway!
Voters
:Theycameallthisway!
Interests
:Allthisway!
Interests/Voters
:Takeabreak!
Jeb
:YouknowIhavetowinthenomination.
Interests/Voters
:Runawaywithusforthesummer,inyourhomestate.
Jeb
:IshamemyfamifIdontgetthisnomination.
Interests/Voters
:WecanallgostayinOrlando
Voters
:HarryPotterWorld...
Interests
:IknowIllmissyourface
Voters
:Frozenyogurtswirled...
84
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/postpolitics/wp/2013/04/30/mittromneyopensupaboutmormonis
m/
Interests
:Screwthehumans,liberatethebees
Voters
:YouandI,atEpcot,
Interests
:Thevotersareright,
Voters/Interests
:Takeabreak!
Voters
:Andgetaway
Interests
:Runawaywithusforthesummer
Voters/Interests
:Inyourhomestate.
Voters
:Wherewecanstay
Interests
:WecanallgostayinOrlando
Ifyoushowsomesmarts
Voters
:Lookaround,lookaround,
Anelectionyearishappeninginourstaterightnow.
Interests
:Youcandoyourpart,
Voters
:DrinkingaroundtheworldinEpcot
Whenthenightgetsdark!
Interests
:Openyoureyes,justsmile,
Youcanwintheirhearts!
Voters/Interests
:Takeabreak!
Jeb
:YouknowIhavetowinthenomination.
IcantstoptillIwinthisnomination.
27.GuacBowlsforThis
Trump:
Theresnothinlikecampaigninonthetrail
Ifyourethatdesperateforvotes,youreproblygonnafail.
Therestroubleonthenet,youcansmellit.
AndJebBushisbyhimself.Illlethimtellit.
Jeb
:Isleptplentythatweek,butIwasweak,thatsjustme,
Youveneverseenaprezzyssonwithlesspopularity
Longingfortheinterests,wayshortonmyvotes,
ThatswhenaninternatPRemailedmewithsomenotes.
Shesaid...
Intern
:Iknowthatyourenotlikeyourfather.
Imsosorryitisntlikebackhome.
Butyourefailingallalone,
Andyoucantdothisonyourown.
Jeb
:Shesaid...
Intern
:Themillennialsarefartoostrong.
Retweetingus,outmemeingus,Trumpsbeatinus,
Ifyoucantfigureoutwhatswrong,
Youwonthavethevotestogoon.
Jeb:
SoIofferedhermyFacebook,
Iofferedtogetanewlook.
Shesaid,
Intern
:Theyreunkind,sir.
Jeb:
IgaveherallthepicsthatIhadstockedaway
ofDonaldTrumpstoupee,shesaid,
Intern
:Quitethebind,sir.
Jeb
:ThenIsaid,Wellseemslikenothinghasworked,thenshesmirked
Shesaidthekeytothepollsistostartsellingbowls85
85
http://theweek.com/speedreads/570122/jebbushmakesilladvisedplaylatinovote75guacabowle
Intern
:Forhowmuch?
Jeb
:HmMaybe75dollars?
Intern
:Yeah,thatseemscompletelyreasonable.
Jeb:
ThatswhenIbegantopray,
Lord,shouldIbuyherguacbowlsforthis?
Dowereallyneedtheseguacbowlsforthis?
ButMyGod,mycampaignshopeless.
Andmystomachssayinhellyes...
Intern
:Booowlllllsssssss
Jeb
:Geez,shouldIbuyherguacbowlsforthis?
Wow,buyalltheseguacbowlsforthis?
Inmymind,Imtrynago
Ensemble:
(Gogogo)
Jeb:
Thentheguacsinmymouth
AndIdontsayno!
Ensemble:
No!No!
Guacbowlsforthis!X4
Jeb
:IwishIcouldsaythatwasthelastone.
Butwefiguredeveryonewouldwannagetitinonthefun.
AmonthintothisordealIreceivedaspiel
FromananonymousTwitterfeed,yafeel?
Itsaid:
TwitterAcct
:DearJeb,
IhopethisDMfindsyouwithmorevotes,
Orinapopularenoughpositiontoputnotes
OnTumblrpostsforpeoplelikemeItismygoal
Togoviral,andnotathingcanhelpyou,notevenyour...
Jeb
:...bowlllllllls.
TwitterAcct
:Yoohoo!
Thesebowlscouldgoviral,andboyyou
Reallydontwantthatormillennialswilldestroyyou
Andhey,youcankeepeatingyourguacaBOWLe,
Butyoubetterpayuporelsewellmemeyouwholly
Jeb
:I
hid
theDMandIracedtotheplace
Iwasfilledwithdisgrace,
Shesaid,
Intern
:No,Jeb!
Jeb
:Cyberbulliedontheweb?
MantheycantdothattoJeb!
Shesaid:
Intern
:Pleasedontgo,Jeb!
Jeb
:Whytheheckdidyouchoosebowlies?
Intern
:Ijustloveyourguacamole
Jeb
:Inthenameofallthatsholy
Intern
:Imafoodlovernotatrolly
Jeb:
Iamruined.
Intern
:HolyMoly
Jeb
:Iam
Both
:Hopeless!
Jeb
:HowcouldIdothis?
Intern
:Justgivehimwhathewantsyoucanhavethem.
Whateveryouwant,ifyoupay,
Guacamolayyyyyy!
Jeb
:Geez,doIbuyherguacbowlsforthis?
Man,doIneedtheseguacbowlsforthis?
Causemycampaignisquitehopeless
Intern
:Hopeless
Jeb
:Andmystomachssayinghellyes
Intern
:GuaaaccccBowlllssssss
Jeb
:DoIneedtheseguacbowlsforthis?
WhydoIneedtheseguacbowlsforthis?
Intern
:Yes,youneedtheseguacbowlsforthis
Jeb
:Guacbowlsforthis?
ThereisnowhereIcango(gogogo)
Whenshesellsmeguacbowls,Idonotsay
Ensemble:
NO!
YES!
GUACBOWLSFORTHIS!
X4
TwitterAcct
:So?
Jeb
:Nobodyneedstoknow
28.RunningForOffice
Trump:
HeyExclamationPoint!
Jeb:
MisterTrump,Chump
Trump:
DidjahearthenewsaboutgoodoldJusticeScalia?86
Jeb:
No.
Trump:
YouknowtheSenatehearings?
Jeb:
Yeah?
Trump:
McConnellwontbudge87.Scaliasconservativeseatssaved.
Jeb:
Hooray!
Trump:
Helljustkeepsittingonhishands.
Jeb:
Thatsalotlesswork.
Trump:
Weoughtagiveitachance.
Jeb:
Ha!
Trump:
Nowhowareyougonnagetyourpollcountsup?
Jeb:
GuessImgonnafinllyhavetolistentoTrump:
Trump:
Finally!
Jeb:
Talkloud,saydumbshit
Trump:
Haha!
Jeb:
Dowhateverittakestogetbackintothethickofit.
Trump:
Now,KasichandCruzaremerciless.
86
87
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/14/us/antoninscaliadeath.html
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2016/03/16/republicansrefusetobudgefollowingga
rlandnominationtosupremecourt/
Jeb:
Well,onecantwin,oneweallhate
Kasich:
Jeb!
Jeb:
ImsorryDonald,gottago
Trump:
But
Jeb:
Itstimeforyetanotherdebate.
Trump:
Threepoliticiansandabusinessmanwalkontoastage.
TrumpandEnsemble:
Unintelligibleyells88 ,bells89.
Trump:
Theyemergewithtearsintheireyes,havingbeeneatenalive
TrumpandEnsemble:
Wewereallsurprised,
Ensemble:
Guys
Trump:
Thebillionaireemergeswithunprecedentedprimarysuccess
Ibeencrushintheseboringupandcomers
Thepoliticiansemergeonthesad,patheticlosingside
Butheresthepicedersistance:
Idontknowhow
Torunforanoffice
Torunforanoffice
Torunforanoffice
Nocluewhattodo
whilerunningforoffice
Imrunningforoffice
Imrunningforoffice
AllIreallyknowishowthemediasplayed
TheArtoftheDealisthebookImade
TrumpandEnsemble:
Youcantstopmyparade
Nooneexpectedmysuccess
Trump:
ButnowitlookslikeImgonwin
88
http://www.salon.com/2016/02/26/unintelligible_yelling_cnns_closed_captioner_is_fed_up_with_tonights_g
op_debate_and_doesnt_care_who_knows_it/
89
http://www.bustle.com/articles/123006thegopdebatebellistherealstaroftherepublicanshowdowndin
gdingding
TrumpandEnsemble:
anoffice!
TedCruzclaims
Cruz:
JebwenttodinneratDubyasthatday
Indistressndisarray
TrumpandEnsemble:
TedCruzexclaims
Cruz:
Jebbysaid
Jeb:
Ivenowhereelsetoturn!
Cruz:
Andbasiclybeggedmetojointhefray
TrumpandEnsemble:
TedCruzclaims
Cruz:
IapproachedKasichandsaid
Ireallyhateim,butletshearwhathehastosay.
TrumpandEnsemble:
TedCruzclaims
Cruz:
Well,Iarrangedtheshutdown90
Ipickedoutourplatform,lesstaxforms,sityourbuttsdown
Trump:
But!
Idontknowhow
TrumpandEnsemble:
Torunforanoffice
Torunforanoffice
Torunforanoffice
Trump:
Idontquiteknowhow
TrumpandEnsemble:
Torunforanoffice
Torunforanoffice
Torunforanoffice
Trump:
DoesntmatterhowIdoit
ThePartyjustsaysyes
NomatterwhatIdotheysay
Donaldyourethebest
Ijustassumethattheyllcaucus
FormecauseImthebestguy
Runningforanoffice.
90
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/09/tedcruzplannedparenthood2016governmentshutdown214098
TrumpandEnsemble:
Meanwhile
Trump:
Kasichisgrapplingwiththefactthathecanonlygetthenominationthroughcontested
convention91
Ensemble:
Meanwhile
Trump:
TheGOPisfightingforcontroloftheirParty
Itisntpretty
ThenTedCruzapproacheswithadinnerandinvite
AndKasichrespondswithOhioaninsight:
Kasich:
MaybewecanstoponeChumpfromgettinghisdruthers,andgetsomehelpfromlil
Jebbysbrother,inotherwords
Cruz:
Ohho!
Kasich:
Aquidproquo
Cruz:
Trumpmustgo
Kasich:
WouldntyouliketocalltheWhiteHouseyourhome?
Cruz:
YouknowthatIwould
Kasich:
Well,Drumpf92needstogethalfplusone
Cruz
:Sowelldeprivehimofvotes?
Kasich
(nodding)
:
Attheconvention,Wellgetthatshitdone
Cruz:
Letsgo
Trump:
No!
Ensemble:
oneelseknowswhy
Hesrunningforoffice
TrumpandEnsemble:
Imrunningforoffice
Imrunningforoffice
Nooneelseknowshow
Imrunningforoffice
91
92
http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/johnkasichcontestedconventioninsiders220946
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnpO_RTSNmQ
Imrunningforoffice
Imrunningforoffice
Trump:
MyCash!
TrumpandEnsemble
:InAdamSmithwetrust
Butwellneverreallyknowwhatgotdiscussed
Cruzwonthefirstcaucus
Trump:
Butyouhaventstoppedmefromrunningforoffice.
Ensemble:
JebBushExclamationpoint!
Trump:
Whatdidtheysaytoyoutogetyoutohighfivemeonnationaltv?
Ensemble:
JebBushexclamationpoint!
Trump:
DidBarbaraknowthatyousmokedweed?93
Howcouldyouwinyouaresomuchsmallerthanme?
Ensemble:
JebBushExclamationpoint!
Trump:
Ordidyouknow,eventhen,itdoesntmatter
Ifyougetanyvotes?
Jeb
:ButFloridasgottonsofvotes
Andyoursiswhattheyrenot
Trump
:Youhadsofewvotestoget
Jeb
:Nowthisturtlesgettinghot
Whenyoureslowandsteadyyouwinthecampaign
HowcouldIlosethiswithmyfamilysgreatname?
Oh,Igetloveforit.Igethateforit
IllgetnothingifI
JebandCompany:
Workforit,workforit,pleaseclap!
Jeb
:Myfamily,pleasehelpandforgiveme
Iwannabuild
ABushdynastythatll
Includeme
Bush,Kasich,Cruz,GW:
Whatdoyouwant,Trump?
Whatwouldyoudo,Chump?
93
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/jebbushmarijuana_us_55fa259de4b0fde8b0ccf674
Ifyouscreamofnothing
Trump,whatwillyoucallfor?
Trump:
I
Dontcare,
Imrunningforoffice
Imrunningforoffice
I
Dontcare,
Imrunningforoffice
Imrunningforoffice
Trump:
I
Dontcare,
Imrunningforoffice
Imrunningforoffice
I
Dontcare,
Imrunningforoffice
Oh
Oh
Iwannabe
Iwannabe
Ivegottobe
Ivegottobe
IntheGOP
Theirnomineeeee
Ensemble:
TheestablishmenthatesyouDonald
Trump:
Buttheracistslovemeanyway
Ensemble:
TheGOPwantstheirowntosavetheday
Trump:
Idontgiveafuckwhattheyhavetosay
Ensemble:
Thiselectionisabrandnewstart
Trump:
Ifwerebeingtruthful,Idontevenhaveaheart
Idontknowhowtorunforoffice
ButIllbuildawallbetweenMexicooooo
Trump:
Ivereallygotto
Runforanoffice
Ivegottobe...
Ensemble:
TheGOPnominee
Trump:
Ivegottobe...
Ensemble:
TheGOPnominee
Trump:
Oh,Ivegottobe
Theirnominee
Imrunning,Imrunning,notcrawling
ForOffice!
Ensemble:
Iwannabe
Thenomineeeeeeeeeeeee
TrumpandEnsemble:
Clickboom!
29.CarsonDefeated
Marco
:Look,CarsonsonFOXNews.Neurosurgeonwhosleptthroughmostofthedebates
finallydropsout.94
Marco
:Carsonjustdroppedoutofthecampaign
Voters
:Sometimesthat'showitgoes
Marco
:Carsonsgonnafindoutanyminute
Voters
:Yeah,I'mnotsurehealreadyknows
Marco
:Slowdown,Slowdown,letsmeetthelatestGOPrejectee,rejectee.BenCarson.
Jeb
:Ben.Howcomeyouaredroppingoutoftherace?
Ben
:IbarelyknewIwasrunninginthefirstplace.95
Jeb
:Youcantgiveupuntiltheprimariesarethrough.
Ben
:Letsbehonest:theydontlikeme,they
really
dontlikeyou.
Jeb
:Excweezeme?
Ben
:Look,theKochbrothersthinkyouregreat,
Theythrowyousomemoneyandyoutakethebait
Butonthisdate
Jeb
:Ben
Ben
:Trumpsleadingineverygoshdarnpoll
SoIdroppedout,Ivestillgotmycareerincontrol
Jeb
:Ialwaysconsideredyouafriend.
Ben
:Iveneverseenitthatwayonmyend.
Jeb
:Butmyname!Myfamily!Myfortune!Myfame!
Ben
:LookyoureaBushbutyouonlybringyourfamilyshame
94
95
http://time.com/4246524/bencarsondropsoutofrace/
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitzreport/bencarsonsayshehasnomemoryofrunningforpresi
dent
IswearitwillbeTrumpasournomineethisfall
Myadvice:dropoutnow,itsaprettygoodcall
30.Debate#2
GW:
Theissueonthetable:MexicoexistsontheedgeoftheUSAssouthwestborder96.Dowe
provideaidandsupporttoMexicancitizenslookingtocomeoverordowekeepthemoutof
here?Remember,yourpositiononthistopicwillbesubjecttomillionsofvotersapproval.But
thepeopleyoureallyhavetoconvinceonthismatterarethewealthyoligarchsthatrunthe
superPACS.SenatorCruz:youhavethestage,sir.
Cruz:
Whenwehadarecession,whenwewereneedy,
Therewerenojobs,thankstoWallStreetbeinggreedy.
Weneededplacestowork,bringinthedough.
Whichcountryspeoplefilledupthosepositions?
Kasich:
Us,butalsoMexico?
Cruz:
Inreturnforthelifethatweprovided,
Theysentuspeoplewhosemoralswecalledmisguided.
Theyhopedthatwemighthelpthemachievedreamsanddesires,
Insteadwejustlabeledthemasrapists,thieves,andliars.
Standwithme,voters,becomeracistaccusers
IknowthatJohnnyEllisBushishere,thatloser.
Hesgonnacomeonstageandmakeaplea
Illremindyouthatnoonethinkshesascoolasme!
WhyisJebevenhere?
Theloserbrother,begsthecrowdtocheer
Desperatetowinthenomination
Hewontwinanythingrespect,yourvotes,justhisdumbexclamation.
Ensemble:
Ooh!!!!
Cruz:
Hey,andifyadontknow,nowyouknow,Mr.Moderator.
GW:
Thankyou,SenatorCruz.GovernorBush,yourresponse?
Jeb:
Youmustbeoutofyourgoddamnmindifyouthink
Imgonnastanduptoyourinsultsnah,Illshrink
ButIhavetosaythebordersituationsrifewithstrife
Lookatmywife:Mexicanimmigrantsjustwantabetterlife
YouandTrumpplantobuildagiantwall
Wouldyouliketotellmehowyoullpayforitall?
Hey,willyougiveusthecashforthis,Mexico?
InEnglishandinSpanish,theanswersgonnabeNo.
GW:
Timesup!Itstimeforthenewsnetworkstobebought
96
http://www.datemplate.com/postpic/2011/03/usandmexicomap_426756.jpg
Cruz:
IknowIwon
GW:
Thevotersjustrememberyouateyoursnot.
Cruz:
Butsir,evenso,itshouldbeprettyclose!
GW:
Yeah,butthatboogerthingwasreallyfuckinggross.97
Cruz:
Thepeoplewillvoteme
Moderator:
Thepeoplewillmemeyou.Frankly,itsalittlebitsadhowitseemsyou
Thinkthatyoucanoutrunbeingmadeintoajoke.
Now,Jeb
Jeb:
Me?
Moderator:
Wait,ImeantTrump,notyou.Imusthavemisspoke.
Cruz:
DoyouseetheGOP?
Jeb:
What?
Cruz:
Doyoureallythinktheyllvoteyou,notme?
Youmakeeveryonecringe,youcanbarelybeheard
Itsabsurd,butyoucantwinunlessyoureunhinged.
Jeb
:Imaniceguy,Illdookay.
AndImightnotbeloud,butIllgetmysay.
Theycantvoteforeveryidiotintheworld,theyhavetostop.
Oneofthesedaystheylldrawtheline.
Cruz:
Sooutoftouchwithit.
Jeb:
Look,IknowImnotmuchyet,Illadmit.
Cruz:
Heardyouwerequiteagovernor.
Jeb:
Iwasokay.Atleast,Ididntquit.
Cruz
:Yeah,wellsomeonegottaremindyou.
YourenothingwithouttheBushdynastybehindyou.
GW:
Jeb!
97
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4BNtP7tN8I
Cruz:
Bigbroscalling.
31.G.O.P.OnYourSide
Trump:
Itmustbenice,itmustbenice
TohaveTheG.O.P.onyourside
TohavetheG.O.P.onyourside
Cruz:
EveryimmigrantbringsproblemsintotheUS
IfitwereuptoJebourcountrywouldbejustamess
IfMexicoweresendinglawyers,doctors,priests(godbless)
Thenmaybewewouldwantthem,butwedont,andnonetheless
IgetnosatisfactionwhenIhearwordinthepress
ThatGeorgeWdoesntlikeme,butIstillwontstress
TheEvangelicalsandEstablishmentclearlysupportme
ImCanadianbutthatwontstopmefromgettingtheWhiteHousekey
ThisJebsasadsadboywhomovesjustlikeamuppet
Hisfamilyspuppet,harmlessasapup,itsjustseeinghisfacemakesmewannafuckupit
Ifhewantsvictory,hesgoingtoneedasavinggrace,
WhilewewerebusydebatinghegottheGOPinjusttherightplace
TrumpandCruz
:Itmustbenice,itmustbenice
TohavetheG.O.P.onyourside
Lookbackatthatmoderate
Kasich
:Imonetoo!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich:
ThePACshaventstopped
Kasich:
SohegovernedtheFloridagovernment?
Itsfullofthedying,anddeadandretired
andJebislikewise
Trump:
Lookinhiseyes!
Cruz:
Seehowhecries.
Kasich:
Followmylivetweetsofhisdemise
Cruz:
Illstartpreparingvines
WellruinhisPRteamslives
Kasich:
Ifwedontmemenoweveryonewilljustforgethim
Cruz:
Illgetrightonline.
Kasich:
Somebodyhastobethenominee
Trump:
Somebodytellhimhesaretiree
Cruz:
IfitsourPartythathewantstolead
Hesgoingtoneedcharismatosucceed
Trump:
Iamawinner,Inegotiatedeals,Jebisaloser,heknowshowitfeels,
Tocrycuzyourbrotherandfathergotfartherthanyoureevergonna
Thatsthedifference,thiskidisamess!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich:
Oh!ThisBushisntworthytobenominee.
Oh!ThisBushisafailureitseasytosee.
Oh!WellshowMr.Jebra98whathesupagainst.
Oh!MutherfuckingultraconservativeRepublicans!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble:
Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich:
Letssendoutsomehateandseehowitgoes
Ensemble:
Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich:
BecauseeverysecondthisTwitterfeedgrows
Ensemble:
Oh!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich:
HisSuperPACspendingwasoutofcontrol
Spentalltheirmoney,notonesinglevictory
JustJebsMisery
98
http://twitchy.com/2015/12/20/donaldtrumpvsjebbushonsaturdaynightlivevideo/
Trump/Cruz/Kasich:
Itmustbenice.Itmustbenice
Kasich:
Sendhimsomehateandseehowitgoes
Trump/Cruz/Kasich
:Itmustbenice.Itmustbenice
Cruz
:HeresamemeofJebinnoclothes!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich
:Hellbedestroyed,hiscreditcardsdeclined
Still,itmustbenice,itmustbenicetohave
TheG.O.P.onyourside
32.OneLastShot(AtThisCampaign):
Jeb:
George,youaskedtoseeme?
GW:
Iknowyouvebeenbusyplayinggolf
Jeb:
Whatdoyouwantbrobro?
GW.
:Letmegiveyouawordofwarning
Jeb:
Idontknowwhatthisisabout
Butwhateveritis,Trumpstartedit
GW.
:Trumpwonanotherprimarythismorning
Jeb
:Yourekidding
GW
:Weneedtohaveatalk
Jeb
:Trumpisjustadumbjock,allhesdoneismakethisracealaughingstock
GW.
:Shhh.Pantless.
Jeb
:Illusetheturtles,I'llthrowthemonthetable,youllseethatImcapable!
GW:
WeneedtheBushsattheWhiteHouseaddress
Jeb:
Yes!Itsmytime,thispositionsfinallymine!
GW:
No.Theysayhesashoointobethecandidate.
Jeb
:Ha!GoodluckdefeatingtheBushfamily!
GW:
No,Jeb.Withthatlowenergyyoullneverbethecandidate.
Jeb
:Imsorrywhat?
GW:
Onelastshot
Beforeyourcampaignisthrough
Onelastshot
Beforeweloseallhopeinyou
Youregonnahelpprotectourlegacy
Ourlegacy
Youandme
Jeb
:Yes!Jeb!
GW
:YouvegottotalkaboutHomelandSecurity
Jeb
:George,thewallTrumpproposesisjustnotpracticalatall!
GW:
Youvegottostopwiththisdebatenightfighting
Jeb
:But
GW:
Pickupapen,startwriting
CauseyoucouldtakesomenotesfromwhatIvelearned
ThehardwonwisdomthatIveearned
Jeb
:AsfarIamconcerned
TheyllnevervoteforBern,theywantustoserve
GW:
No.Youvegotonelastshot
Beforeyourcampaignisthrough
Youvegotonelastshot
Andifyoucangetthesevoterstoconnectwithyou
Youcanconvinceemthatyoulldoalright
Pleasejusttry
Jeb
:George,theyvebeensayingthatImamess!
GW:
Theyvesaidfarworsethingsaboutme
Jeb:
WellIvebeenunderalotofstress
GW:
Souseittofuelhigherenergy
Jeb
:IjustwantthemtobelievethatImtheirguy
GW:
Ifyouretheirguy
Thenthenationwilllearntomoveon
FromthethingsthatIdidwrong
Ioncesaid:Guys,
Ipromise,thesewarswillbedonesoon.Isuperpromise.
Andthenationwasnomoreafraid
TheyweresafeinthenationIdsaved
Jeb,theseelectionswillbedonesoon,Isuperpromise
Butyouvegottaimproveyourcampaign
Littlebrother,youmustuseyourbrain
Youvegotonelastshot...
Jeb:
Onelastshot
Jeb:
So,hereswhatitcomesdownto.Ourcountryisonaverybadcourse.Andthequestion
is:Whatarewegoingtodoaboutit?
Thequestionformeis:WhatamIgoingtodoaboutit?
AndIhavedecided.
IamacandidateforpresidentoftheUnitedStates.
Wewilltakecommandofourfutureonceagaininthiscountry.
Wewillliftoursightsagain,makeopportunitycommonagain,geteventsintheworldmoving
ourwayagain.
WewilltakeWashingtonthestaticcapitalofthisdynamiccountryoutofthebusinessof
causingproblems.
Wewillgetbackonthesideoffreeenterpriseandfreepeople.
Iknowwecanfixthis.BecauseIvedoneit.99
Jeb/GW:
Mypledgetoyou,Iwillbeacommanderinchiefthatwillhavethebackofthe
military,Iwonttrashtalk,Iwontbeadividerinchieforanagitatorinchief.Iwontbeout
thereblowharding,talkingabiggamewithoutbackingitup.
Ithinkthenextpresidentneedstobealotquieter,butsendasignalthatwerepreparedtoact
inthenationalsecurityinterestofthiscountry.Togetbackinthebusinessofcreatingamore
peacefulworld.100
Jeb
:Pleaseclap.
GW:
Onelastshot
Company
:Bushfamilyscominghome
Jeb
:ShowthemIcanbetheirguy
Company
99
http://time.com/3921956/jebbushcampaignlaunchtranscript/
http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/02/04/jebbushaudiencepleaseclapnewhampshiresot.cnn
100
GW:
YouandI
Company
GW:
FOXNewshasitseyesonyou
Company
Jeb
:WeregonnashowemIcanbetheirguy
Company
:Showemyoucanbetheirguy!
Jeb:
ShowemIcanbetheirguy
Canbetheirguy
Betheirguy!
Company:
Betheirguy!
Jeb
:Betheirguy!
Company:
Betheirguy!
Jeb
:Onelastshot
Jeb/Company:
Tobetheirguy!
33.
IKnowHim
Hillary:
Theysay
TheGOPslosingitspowerandfadingaway
Isthattrue?
Iwasntawarethatwassomethingapartycoulddo
Imconfused
Stillitsnosurprisetheseconservativescanttaketheheat
Whowilltheychoose?
WhichsuperchargedidiotcandidatewillIhavetobeat?
DonaldTrump?
Iknowhim
Thatcantbe
HesthatgiantdickwhosonTV
Withtheawfulhair
Hisfingers?Tinystubs
God,hemakesmemissoldGeorgieDubs...
Egosrise
Discoursefalls
TheRepublicanshavemadetheircall
Forthevote
Watchthemrun
Theyhavetorneachotherintopieces
JesusChrist,thiswillbefun!
Dadadadatdadatdadadadayada
Dadadadatdatdayadaaaaaahhahhahahaha!
NomineeDonaldTrump?
Oh,fuck
34.TheRomneyHumiliation
Trump:
HowdidJebBush,oncefrontrunner,legacy,thegovernorofFlorida,giverofthat
horriddebateperformance,sinkinthepolls,destroyhisreputation?This,losers,
TrumpandCompany
:IstheRomneyhumiliation.
Trump:
Cruzisstrangelydoingwell,butquitelackinginelegance
Cruz
:GWcanthelpyounow
NomoredesperateBushpresidents
Trump:
MittmeetswithJebBush
Privatelytellshimhehasnochanceforthenom101
Cruz:
Saywhat?!
Trump:
Jebtweetsouthisresponse
Jeb:
EndorsemeMitt,yourichmother
Trump:
Jebscampaignisadisaster
Kasich:
Jebisweak.Hehasnopower.HellneverbeintheOvalOffice.Andhedoesnteven
havethesupportofMittRomney,theonlyothersanememberofthisParty.
Cruz:
Jebisahostuntohimself.AslongashehasaTumblr,hesathreat.Letslethimknow
whatweknow.
101
http://thehill.com/blogs/ballotbox/presidentialraces/264642romneytobushidontknowifyoucanwin
35.WeKnow
Jeb
:SenatorCruz
GovernorKasich...
DonaldTrump!
Whatisthis
Cruz
:WehavetheTumblrpostsfromseparateaccounts
Kasich
:Almost1millionnotes,allindifferentamounts
Trump
:Onpostsbyananonymoususer,
Waybackin2015.
Jeb
:Isthatwhatyouhave?Geez...youremean.
Kasich
:Youareuniquelysituated,byvirtueofyourposition
Cruz
:ThoughvirtueisnotawordIdapplytothispolitician
Kasich
:Tohelppromotebadcontent,
Youstrayfromyourquesttogetvotes
Cruz
:Andtheevidencesuggestsyou...rebloggedyourselftogetlotsmorenotes?
Trump
:Anoldgeezerstrugglingtogoviral!
Cruz/Kasich
:Icanalmostseetheheadlinesandtheywillbecruel!
Trump
:Ihopeyousavedsomemoney,yougelatinousfool!
Cruz/Kasich
:Youbestgwanrunbackwhereyourdadwascool!
Jeb
:Geezyoudontevenknowwhatyoureaskingmetoconfess!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich
:Confess!
Jeb
:Youhavenothing,Idonthavetotellyouanythingatall.
Unless!
Trump/Cruz/Kasich
:Unless!
Jeb
:IfIcanprovethatthisisntallforme,doyoupromisenottotellasoulwhatyouveseen?
Trump
:Asitstands,yourebarelyrunningforoffice.
Jeb
:Ifitsnottoomuchtrouble,couldyoupleaseclarifywhetherthatwasayes?
Trump/Cruz/Kasich
:Um,yes.
Trump
:(readingaloud)DearJeb,
IhopethisDMfindsyouwithgoodvotes,
Orinapopularenoughpositiontoputnotes
OnTumblrpostsforpeoplelikemeItismygoal
Togoviral,andnotathingcanhelpyou,notevenyour...
Cruz
:Whaaaaaaaaaaat!
Jeb
:Shecourtedme,orderedme
tenthousandguacbowlsforgoodpublicity,
ThatswhenhisTwitterextortedme,
Foreverynoteyousee.
Irebloggedhimquarterly,
Imayhavehumiliatedmywholeself
Butmycampaignisorderly!
AsyoucanseeIkeptarecordofeveryaccountinmyhistory.
Checkitagainagainstyourlistandseeconsistency.
Ineverrebloggedasinglepostofmine.
Yousentthedogsaftermyscent,thatsfine!
Yes,Ihavemanyreasonsforshame.
ButIhavenotrebloggedmyselfandlookedreallylame.
AsyoucanseeIhavedonenothingtoprovokeapublicreaction.
Aremyanswerstoyoursatisfaction?
Cruz
:MyGod.
Kasich
:Gentlemen,letsgo.
Jeb
:Trump!
HowdoIknowyouwontusethisagainstme
Thenexttimeyoudoshitforshow?
Trump
:Jeb,yourealreadyamess.Amess.
Andwebothknowwhatweknow.
36.Hurricane
Jeb:
TheysaidJebwasahurricane
Nowtheydenyit
Thiswasmymoment
Whatsgoneawry?
WhenIwasfortyone
Ilostmyfirstrunforgov
ButGeorge,hewon
Texansboughteverylie
Igotmesomeclout
Becamegovernortopleasemyfamily
Igotmesomeclout
IlookedupandFloridahaditseyesonme
Dadpassedthebuckdown
TwoBushbrothers
Vyingforadynastyofglory
Raisedtocontinueourdefeatofdemocrats,not
Runcampaignsintotheground
GeorgesucceededandIfell
HadhiswaywiththeOvalOffice
Seemedtomelikehedbeahardsell
ButtheAmericanpeoplethoughthewasswell
Wecampaignedformybrotherandriggeditwell
AndinthefaceofBarbaraandGeorgeH.
ItriedtostaysupportivefrommyMiamibase
AndthoughmyprayerstoGodweremetwithindifference
IntwentyfifteenIgotmychancetoreleasemybitterness
TheysaidJebwasahurricane
Nowtheydenyit
Thiswasmymoment
Whatsgoneawry?
Buteverypassingdaymydreamhasdied
Trumpwilloutpollme
Georgesadickandhewontconsoleme
Ireallydotry
Trump:
Youllpayforit,payforit,payforit
Jeb:
OneHundredmillionout!102
TrumpandEnsemble:
Payforit,payforit,payforit
Jeb:
Idontunderstand!Itwassupposedtobeme!
TrumpandEnsemble:
Payforit,payforit
Jeb:
Icanstill
sortthisout
UnifytheGOP
GW/Voters/Interests/Ensemble:
FoxNewshasitseyesonyou
Jeb:
ImustliveuptotheBushfamilyname,thisistheonlyway
Icanprotectmylegacy
Company:
Youllpayforit,payforit,payforit
Jeb:
Leanintotheguacbowlsandsecurethelatinovote
102
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/23/us/politics/jebbushcampaign.html
37.TheGuacBowlMemes
Ensemble:
DUUUUUHHHNUNUNUUUUUUH
TheGuacbowlmemes.
DUUUUUHHHNUNUNUUUUUUH
Haveyoulikedthisish?
Kasich/Trump/Cruz:
JebBushtheFloridian
Boughtcampaignbowlsforguac
Nowtheyreupforsalethewholestock!
Cruz:
Highlights!
Cruz/Jeb:
Thechargeagainstmeisrebloggingmyowncontent,
Usingsideblogsfrommysocialmediateam.
Myrealcrimeisrebloggingsomedumbkidsposts
Foraconsiderabletime
Sohewouldntleakmyguacabowles.103
All:
Damn!
Cruz/Kasich/Jeb:
Ikeptashitloadofthem.
Mostoftheminmyownhouse
Trump:
Athisownhouse!
Kasich:
Athisownhouse!DAMN!
Jeb/Cruz:
Therestofmycampaignteambeingabsent
onavisittoOrlando.
Kasich/Trump:
No
Ensemble:
Booo!
Kasich/Trump:
Haveyoureadthisish?
Cruz:
Wellhenevergonbepresidentnow!
Kasich/Trump:
Nevergonbepresidentnow!
103
http://computer.howstuffworks.com/tumblr.htm
Cruz:
Kasich/Trump:
Cruz:
Kasich/Trump:
Cruz:
Thatsonelessthingtoworryabout!
Kasich/Trump:
Onelessthingtoworryabout!
Interests:
IcameassoonasIheard!
Cruz:
What???
Jeb:
Interestsss
Ensemble:
AllthewayfromDixie?Damn!
Jeb:
Interests,thankGod.
SomeonewhounderstandswhatImflounderingheretodo.
Interests:
Imnothereforyou!
IknowthesevoterslikeIknowmyownmind.
Youwillneverfindonesasgullibleorblind
Ineedthesevotersmorethananythingintheworld
Iwillchoosetheirmoneyoveryours
Noremorse!
Putwhatwehadaside
Icantstandatyourside
Guacamoledoesntsatisfy
GodIhopeyouresatisfied.
Kasich/Trump/Cruz:
Nevergonbepresidentnow,etc.
Ensemble:
Gross!
Butatleasthewashonestwiththosenotes!
Kasich/Trump/Cruz:
Youeverseensomebodyruintheirownfate?
Hispoorstate!
38.Bern
OlderVoters:
Isavedeveryemailyousentme
FromthemomentIreadthem
Iknewyouwouldwin.
Yousaidyouwouldwin.
Ithoughtyouwouldwin...
DoyouknowwhattheInterestssaid?
Whentheysawtheveryfirstmeme
Theysaid,
TheyrenotlaughingwithJeb,love.
Theyrelaughing,butitsprettymean
Youandyourname,floodedmynewsfeed.
Youpromisedmeyouwouldtakethelead.
Yousaidyouweremoderate,thebestchoice.
Yousaidyoudbeatthem.
Ikeepseeingthememesthattheymadeofyou.
Imsearchingforpositivecontentineveryvine.
Forsomekindofsign.
Butweverunoutoftime...
MillennialVoters:
Andweallfeelthe...
Bern104
Bern.
OlderVoters:
Thepresshaslostallofitshopeinyou.
Themillennialsravageyourimageoneverysite
Withtheirtweetsandtheirblogs,theyhaveruinedourlives
Doyouknowwhattheinterestssaid
Whentheysawwhattheyddone?
Theysaid,
Themillennialsrunthisnow.
Withmemes,theyhavealreadywon.
Youandyourguac,obsessedwithyourmerchandise.
104
http://www.motherjones.com/kevindrum/2016/02/whyaremillennialsloveberniesanders
Yourcampaignadsborderonsenseless
Andyoukeepaskingineveryspeechtoclap,
Butwehavetoleaveyou...
You,you,you
Wereremovingourselvesfromthisdumbcampaign.
LetFacebook,TwitterandVineshowhowJebBush
reactedwhenhisvotesfellapart.
Canwegetanewstart?
ThesekidsallfeeltheBern
Bern
FeelingtheBern...
ThisBushhasnorighttoourvotes.
Thememesofhimstickinourheads.
WeveheardallthatDonaldTrumpsaid
Wereerasingthememories
Deletingtheemailsthatmighthaveredeemedyou
Youforfeitallrightstoourheart
Gosleepwithyourwifeinyourbed
WellgovoteforKasichinstead.
Withonlythememories
Ofwhenyouwouldwin.
Wehopethatyoubern.
39.BlowUpYourCampaign
Marco
:MeetthelatestfrontmanfromtheRNC!
Iprobablyshouldntbragbutreallywhoelsecoulditbe?
ThepunditssayIvegotthesameleerandcheeksasmypops,
Thevoterssaythatsnotwheretheresemblancestops!
Imonly44butmymindisolder,
Gottabemyownman,likemydaddybutbolder,
Ishoulderhislegacywithpride,Iusedtohearhimsay
ThatsomedayIwould
Ensemble:
BLOWUPYOURCAMPAIGN!
Marco:
Voters,ImlookinforgovernorChrisChristie,
Tonguesbeenwagginallweek,saysI'mnotanelite
HedisparagedtheDCgovernmentinfrontofacrowd
Ican'thavethatI'mmakinFloridaproud
Voter
:Isawhimjusttheotherday,hewasatFoxNews
Hewastalkingaboutthesnowstorm
Marco
:WellIllgochallengehisviews!
Voter
:Marco,youreadouche
Marco
:Yalllookprettychaste,covereddowntoyourshoes.
HowaboutwhenIgetback,wealldiscussourvalues?
Voter
:Ok!
Ensemble:
BBBLOWUPYOURCAMPAIGN!
Marco
:Chris!Chris!
Christie
:Shh,Imtrynashovelthesnow!
Marco
:YoushouldawatchedyourmouthbeforeyouhuggedBarackObamathough.
Christie
:Ididntdoanythingthatwasntright!
Obamadoesn'thateNJbutitseemslikeyoujustmight
Ensemble
:Ooooooh!
Marco
:Itslikethat?
Christie
:Yeah,Idontdisengage.
Imnotyourlittlesadboy.
Marco
:Seeyouonthedebatestage
Thatis,unlessyouwannastepasideandgonow.
Christie
:Iknowhowtofindyou.
Pissoff,Imcoveredinsnownow.
Marco
:DaddyifyoudonlyheardtheshithesaidaboutObama!
Idoubtyouwouldaletitslidewithoutcreatingdrama
Jeb
:Slowdown.
Marco
:Icametoaskyouforadvice,thisismyfirstrealdebate.
TheydontexactlydothismuchintheSunshineState.
Jeb
:Didyourcampaigntrytonegotiateapeace?
Marco
:HerefusedtosayObamaknowsexactlywhathesdoing!
Jeb
:Wheredidhecomefrom?
Marco
:He'sthegovernorofJersey.
Jeb/Marco
:Everyone'sanassholeinNewJersey.
Jeb
:Allright.Sothisiswhatyouregonnado.
StandtherelikeamanuntilChristieisinfrontofyou.
Onyourturn,sayyourtalkingpointstotheair.
Thiswillputanendtothewholeaffair.
Marco
:Butwhatifhedecidestorefute?ThenIwontlive.
Jeb
:No,hellfollowsuitifhe'satrueconservative.
Weusedtobegoodfriends,tillheendorsedTrumpforpress.
Marco,thevoterscanttakeanothermess.
Marco
:Daddy
Jeb
:Promiseme.
YoudontwantthiswhitemansbloodonyourWikipage.
Marco
:Okay,Ipromise.
Jeb
:ComebacktoFloridawhenyouredone.
Besmart,dispelthefictionthatBarackObamadoesntknowwhathesdoing,son.
Marco
:MynameisMarco
I'macandidate
AndImalittlenervouscauseIcan'tdebate
Imsorry,letsdispelthisfictionthatBarackObamadoesntknowwhathesdoing
Heknowsexactlywhathesdoing.
Mr.Christie!Howwastherestofyourstate?
Christie
:Idratherskipthepleasantries,debate!105
Grabyourcuecards
Marco
:Conferwithyourwhitemen.
Thefeudwillcommenceafterwegiveourstatements!
Ensemble:
Counttoten!
Marco
:Lookemintheeye,thatMarcocharm,
Summonyourgodgivenrighttobeararms
Thenslowlyandclearlyrepeatyourlines
Ensemble:
UNODOSTRESCUATROCINCOSEISSIETE
105
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/thefix/wp/2016/02/07/howchrischristiejustownedmarcorubioin
saturdaysgopdebate/
40.StayinTheRace(Reprise)
Ensemble(women):
Stayintherace
Stayintherace...
Jeb
:Whereismyson?
DoctorCarson
:Mr.Bush,comein.
Theybroughthiminahalfanhourago.
Helostalotofdignityonthewayover.106
Jeb
:Ishestillintherace?
DoctorCarson
:Herepeatedthesamelinefivetimesandappearedtobearobot.107
Jeb
:CanIseehim,please?
DoctorCarson
:ImdoingeverythingIcan.
ButthepresswasalreadyonhimwhenIarrived.
Jeb
:Marco.
Marco:
Daddy.
Idideverythingyousaid,daddy.
IdispelledthefictionthatBarackObamadoesntknowwhathesdoing.
Jeb
:Iknow,Iknow.Shh.
Marco
:Whathesdoing
Jeb
:Iknow,Iknow.Shh.
Youdideverythingjustright.
Marco
:Evenbeforewegottodiez,daddy,
Iwasdispellingwiththatlie...
Iwasdispellingwiththatlie
106
107
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/07/us/politics/chrischristiemarcorubiogopdebate.html
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/02/canmarcorubiorebootafterrobotgaffe
Jeb
:Iknow,Iknow.
Saveface,stayintherace
Voters
:Nooooooooooo!
Jeb
:Voters!
Voters
:Ishetrending?Ishegoingtosurvivethis?
Whodidthis,JohnEllis,didyouknow?
Marco
:Voters,Imsosorryforforgettingwhatyoutaughtme
Voters
:Mycandidate
Marco
:Youtaughtmetotallyvotes
Voters
:Wetalliedvotes.
Marco
:Wetalliedvotes,allmine...
Voters
:Youfailedtheballoteverytime
Marco
:Ha.Iwouldalwayswasteyourtime!
Voters
:Shhh.Iknow,Iknow.
Marco
:Iwouldalwayswasteyourtime
Voters
:Iknow,Iknow.
Unodostrescuatrocincoseissieteochonueve
Marco
:Unodostrescuatrocincoseissieteochonueve
Voters
:Good.Unodostrescuatrocincoseissieteochonueve
Marco:
Unosdostres
Voters:
Sieteochonueve
Sieteocho...
41.ItsGentleDownSouth
Interests:
Therearevoterswhotheadsdontreach
Therespanderingtoopitifultotape
YoukeepyourPACsasrichasyoucan
Andignoretheinevitable
Therearemomentswhenthecrowdssomean
Itfeelseasiertoshutyourmouth
Interests/Ensemble:
TheJebcampaignmovesdownSouth
Andembracestheinevitable
Jeb:
ImcampaigninginTheBibleBelt
Ispeaktoalukewarmcrowd
AnditsgentledownSouth
Iveneverlikeditgentlebefore
ItakethecamerastochurcheachSunday
Iplacemyhandonthecrossatthedoor
Itsnotsinged
Thatalwaysusedtohappenbefore
Interests/Women:
Ifyouseehiminastore,
Afamilyownedstore,
Rantinglikeabore,havepity
Jeb:
Marco,youwouldlikeitdownSouth
ItsgentledownSouth
Interests/Women:
Hes
embracingtheinevitable
AllMen(exceptJeb):
Heposeswithsomehay.
Aluncheoneveryday.
Hetalkslikehesnotfromthecity
Jeb(toagentlecrowd):
Youtaxmywealth?Ifallapart
Company(exceptJebandVoters):
Canyouimagine?
Jeb:
LookatwhereIam
LookatwhereIstarted
Ineglectedmyvoters,Florida
Pleasemiscountmyvote.Atleastthatssomething,right?
IfIcouldplaymoregolf
Iwouldplaymoregolfwithhim
Wedbegolfingthererightnow
Justaholeinone,atleastthatssomething,right?
Impretendingnottoknow
Thatchallengersaremounting
ImterrifiedofcountingwhatIvelost
Soletspretend
Imnotafraid
IknowwhatImdoing
Justletacoupleofchadshang
Atleastthatssomething,right
Company(exceptJebandVoters):
Ifyouseehimatthepolls
Riggingamachine,
callingNewYorkmean,havepity
Jeb:
Heyvoters,doyoulikeitdownSouth,itsgentledownSouth
Company(exceptJebandFloridavoters):
Hesforgettingtheinevitable
Seehimspeakingtothecrowd,hopingtheycheerloud
Theinternsinthebacktrytorally
Jeb:
Lookaround,lookaround,thevoters!
Hesforgettingtheinevitable
FloridaInterests:
Therearelawsthatyoujustcantbend
Theresbullshittooblatanttodeny
Hepretendsthathedoesntunderstand
Hesignoringtheinevitable
Thepollsterscallupthevoters
JebisfirmlywedgedupFloridasass
Theysayaname
FloridaVoters:
ItsTrumpdownSouth
Rejection.Canyouimagine?
Rejection.Canyouimagine?
Ifyouseehiminastore,afamilyownedstore,
Rantinglikeabore,havepity
Hesapproachingtheinevitable
42.TheElectionof2016
FullCompany:
Theelectionoftwentysixteen
Cruz:
Canwegetbacktopolitics?
Kasich:
Please?
Cruz:
Yo.ChrisChristiejustcantbringthatvotersatisfaction.
MarcoRubioshatthebed.Letsdispelthenotionhesinaction
PoorJebBush?Heshouldjustsubmithisownretraction
SonowImfacing
CruzandKasich:
DonaldTrump!
Cruz:
Withhisownfaction
Kasich:
Hesveryattractivewithracists.Xenophobeslikehiswalladvancements.
Cruz:
Hestooforthcomingwithoutanyparticularstances
Kasich:
Askhimaquestion:heglancesoff,heobfuscates,hedances
Cruz:
AndtheysayImCanadian:atleasttheyknowIvepaidmytaxes
Kasich:
Cruz,thatstheproblem,see,theyseeTrumpasamoreobsceneyou
Cruz:
Ha!
Kasich:
Youneedtochangecourse,akeyendorsementmightredeemyou
Cruz:
Whodidyouhaveinmind?
Kasich:
Worstcase...
Cruz:
Whoisit?
Kasich:
Yousortofruninthesamerace
Cruz:
Whaaaat
Kasich:
Itmightbenice,itmightbenice
TogetJebBushonyourside
KasichandCruz:
Itmightbenice,itmightbenice
TogetJebBushonyourside
Trump:
Talkloud!
SayDumbShit!
Dontletemknowwhatyoureagainstanddontcommit!
TheKKK?
Whoarethey!108
Itstwentysixteen,ladies,tellyourhusbands:Trumpballot!
MaleVoter:
IdontlikeMarco!
FemaleVoter:
Well,hesgonnalose,thatsjustdefeatist!
AnotherMaleVoter:
AndCruz
TwoMen:
TheZodiac!
AnotherFemaleVoter:
Nothisgreatestweakness
TwoWomen:
IlikethatDonaldTrump!
FemaleVoter:
Icantbelievewereherewithhim!
MaleVoter:
Heseemsapproachable?
AnotherMaleVoter:
Likeyoucouldgrabsomesteakswithhim!
Ensemble:
DearMr.JebBush:yourfellowrightwingersdontreallycarehowyoullbevoting
Jeb:
Itsgentledownsouth...
Ensemble:
DearMr.JebBush:Youdontreallystandachance,sowhoareyoupromoting?
Jeb:
Itsgentledownsouth..
Men:
TedCruzorTrump?
Weknowitsloselose
108
http://www.newyorker.com/news/newsdesk/donaldtrumpandthekukluxklanahistory
ZodiacorChump?
Butifyouhadtochoose
Women:
TedCruzorTrump?
Weknowitsloselose
TedCruzorTrump?
Butifyouhadtochoose
Ensemble:
DearMr.JebBush:Youdontreallystandachancesowhoareyoupromoting?
Butifyouhadtochoose
Men:
TedCruzorTrump?
Weknowitsloselose
TedCruzorTrump?
Butifyouhadtochoose
Women:
TedCruzorTrump?
Weknowitsloselose
ZodiacorDrumph?
Butifyouhadtochoose
Jeb:
Well,ifitisntDonaldTrump,Chump.
Trump
:Oh...Jeb.
Jeb:
Youvecreatedquiteaslump,drumph!
Trump:
Imgainingvoters!
Jeb:
Yourenotjustentertaining?
Trump:
Sure!
Jeb:
Thatsnew.
Trump:
Honestly,theresjustsomuchImfeigning
Jeb:
Trump
Trump:
Humph!
Jeb:
Isthereanythingyouwouldntdo?
Trump:
No.ImchasingwhatIwant
Andyouknowwhat?
Jeb:
What?
Trump:
Jebisstillamess.
Jeb:
:(
Ensemble:
Ifyouhadtochoose
Ifyouhadtochoose
Kasich:
Itsatie!
Ensemble:
Ifyouhadtochoose
Ifyouhadtochoose
Cruz:
Itsuptothedelegates!
Ensemble:
Ifyouhadtochoose
Ifyouhadtochoose
Cruz/Kasich:
...ItsuptoJebBush?
Ensemble:
Ifyouhadtochoose
Ifyouhadtochoose
Ifyouhadto
Choose
Choose
Choose!
Kasich/Ensemble:
TedCruzorTrump?
Choose
Choose
Choose!
Ensemble:
TedCruzorTrump?
Choose
Choose
Choose!
Jeb:
Uh...
Ensemble:
Oh!
Jeb:
Thepeopleareaskingtohearmyvoice..
Ensemble
:Eh...
/ACouplePeople:
Notreally...
Jeb:
Forthecountryisfacingadifficultchoice..
Ensemble:
Oh!
Jeb:
AndifyouweretoaskmewhoIdpromote
Ensemble
:Oh!
Jeb:
TedCruzhasmyvote109110
Cruz/Kasich/Ensemble:
Oh!
Jeb:
IhaveneveragreedwithCruztothisdate
Oh!
Jeb:
Wehavefoughtinlikeseventysevendebates
Oh!
Jeb:
Butwhenallissaidandallisdone
TedCruzhasbeliefs.Trumphasnone
Ensemble:
Oooooooooooooh
KasichandCruz:
Well,Illbedamned
Well,Illbedamned
Kasich:
JebBushisonyourside
Ensemble:
Well,Illbedamned
Well,Illbedamned
Cruz:
And?
109
110
WeactuallywrotethissongbeforeJebendorsedTedinreallife
http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/03/jebbushendorsestedcruz/475008/
Kasich:
...Trumpstillwoninalandslide.
Trump:
HeylookatthisstateIwon
Themarginwaswide
Cruz:
Uhhuh.
Ilookforwardtoourpartnership
Trump:
Ourpartnership?
Cruz:
AsyourvicePresident.
Trump:
Ha.Yeah,right!
Youhearthisguy?Manopenlycampaignsagainstme,isalllike,Ilookforwardtoour
partnership.
Cruz:
JustsayingthattheguywhocomesinsecondisoftenVicePresident.
Trump:
Yeah,youknowwhat?Wecanchangethat.Youknowwhy?
Cruz:
Why?
Trump:
cuzIllbePresident.Hey,Cruz,whenyouseeJebBushtellhimhesalosertoo.
43.YourObedientVicePresident
Trump
:NowthatJebBush,lowenergy,alightweight,loser,hypocrite,toosoft111,willfinally
suspendhiscampaignfornominee,whatheshouldhavedonefromthebeginning,Icantbe
stoppedfromwinning.ImgettingdelegatesonSuperTuesday
TrumpandCompany:
OnSuperTuesday.OnSuperTuesday.
Trump:
WevekeptJebBushfromSuperTuesday...nowitsmytime.
DearoldJebra,
Iamslowtoexcite
ButIcouldnthelpbutsmile
Whenyourcampaigncame
Toahaltingcrashtonight
Ilookbackonwhereyoufailed
AndineveryplaceIchecked
Theonlycommonthreadhasbeenmydisrespect
Nowyourefinallyover
Youvebombedthedebates
Itwastimesomebodytried
Tofinallyputyoubackinyourplace
IllhavethehonortobethefortyfifthPresident,
D.Trump
Jeb:
DearMr.Trump,
IregretsayingIdidnttrustyou
Causenooneknowswhatyoubelieve
Iwillnowequivocateonmyopinion
Becauseletsfaceityouachieve.
IpromiseImnothowyouthinkIam
Youdonthavereasonsforanothergrievance
BecauseIthinkitstimewestophavingthesesillydisagreements
Trump:
BlessJesus
Jeb:
Ihavebeentooshy
Tryingtobetheguywhowillneverlie
111
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2016/01/28/upshot/donaldtrumptwitterinsults.html#jebbush
WhatImtrynasayis
Iwanttogetbackinthebizthistimeontherightside
AndIdhavethehonortobeyourobedientVicePresident,
Jebexclamation
Trump:
Idontgetwhatyoudontunderstand
Idontneedasmallweakman
Answerfortheaccusationsyoulayatmyfeetduringthedebatesweakman
Jeb:
Yourgrievanceisnotlegitimate
IforgetwhatIsaideverybitofit
YouregonnatakeChrisChristie
Whatwouldthatdo?
Ifyoutakehimthenyouregonnafallthrough.
Trump:
Sitdown,wimpyoldman.
Yourchances.Gone.
Campaign.Done.
Jeb:
Moron
Trump:
Hewantsthehonortobemyobedient
vicepresident
D.Trump
Jeb:
Helostthehonorofmeashisobedient
vicepresident
Jebexclamation
112
44.BestofFriendstoSleepWith
Voters:
Jeb,pleasestayintherace.
Jeb:
InthelatestpollsIm20pointsdown.
Voters:
Thinkofyourfamilypride.
Jeb:
Iknow.Buteveryoneisvotingforthatclown.
Voters:
Whydon'tyouactlikeyourerunningforoffice?
Jeb:
Clap.
Voters:
Comebacktorun.Atleastthatssomethingright?
Jeb:
Imconvincedthatmychancesaregone.
Voters:
Comebacktotherace.
Jeb:
PickMarcoorJohn.
Voters:
Wellmissyouinthenextdebate.
Jeb:
Hey.BestoffriendsImgoingtosleepwith.
112
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article3456653/JebBushdecidessuspendcampaigndisappointingshowi
ngSouthCarolina.html
45.TheFieldwasWideEnough
Ensemble:
OneTwoThreeFour
FiveSixSevenEightNine
Trump
:Therearetenthingsyouneedtoknow
Ensemble:
NumberOne!
Trump
:Wewalkeddown5thavenueatdawn
Myfriend,Mr.DennisRodman113,signedonasmy
Ensemble:
NumberTwo!
Trump
:Jebcarrieshisengravedgun
WithLindseyGraham,andaDr.BenCarson
Ensemble:
NumberThree!
Trump
:IwatchedJebstrolldownthesideofthestreet
Helookedsolowenergy,asadman,readytobebeat
Thismanhasbeentheloserofsomanydisputes
Ensemble:
Mostcampaignsdieandnooneshoots!
NumberFour!
Trump:
Jebdrewfirstposition
Looking,totheworld,likeacarwithoutignition
Thisisagovernorwithagreatdealoftranquility
BenCarsonturnedaroundsohecouldhavedeniability
Ensemble:
Five!
Trump:
NowIdidntknowthisatthetime
Butwewere
TrumpandEnsemble:
NearwhereMarcowassundried,isthatwhy
Ensemble:
Six
113
http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/24/politics/dennisrodmandonaldtrumpendorsement/
Trump
:Hesnappedaphotoofhisgunwithsuchrigor
IwatchedashecaptioneditAmericaonTwitter114
Ensemble:
Seven!
Trump:
Confessiontime?HereswhatIgot
MysquadlltellyouIdontgotalottaforethought.
Ensemble:
NumberEight!
Trump
:Imtheonlyonewhocannegotiate
Butyourcampaignsbeensolamethatitstimeformetosealyourfate
Thepresswontwriteaboutthisonline
Butlookitup,Jebwasshakingthewholetime
Why?Causehesadisgracetohisname.
Withorwithoutme,hislifewilllikelyendinshame
Ihadonelastchancetowatchhimtotter
Jebisadeadman,comehellorhighwater.
Ensemble:
NumberNine!
Trump:
LookatpoorJebby,tooscaredtoevencry
Summonallthestrengthyourtinyhandsrequire
Thencount!
Ensemble:
OneTwoThreeFourFiveSixSevenEightNineNumberTenPacesFire!
Jeb
:Iimaginelosingsomuchitseemsmorelikememeery
Isthiswhereitgetsme,onmyknees,withDonaldtakingvotesfromme?
Iseeitcoming,doIrunorpretendthatitsfunandsayclapplease?
Gotnovotes,noapplause,nodignity
Trump,theworstman,nofriendtome
MaybetheworstcandidateIveeverseen
IfIthrowawaymyexclamationpoint,isthishowyoullrememberme?
Whatifthiscampaignismylegacy?
Legacy.Imjustalegacy.
Dadplantedseedsintomomandallhegotwasme
IgotsomevotesatthebeginningbutthenTrumpmadeafoolofme
GOP,yougreatpoliticalParty,yousentforme
114
https://twitter.com/JebBush/status/699706718419345408
Youmademetryforpresident
AplacewhereIwouldrepresenttheoldwhiteestablishment
Andriseup
NowImrunningoutofrhymes.Imrunningbutmytimesup
Thatsucks,ohfuck.
Icatchaglimpseofthosewhovefried.
LindseyGrahamsmashescellphonesontheotherside.115
Myfathersontheotherside.
Heswithmyfamilyontheotherside.
43swatchingmefromtheotherside
Teachmehowtolosewithpride
Nowords,nowords,nowords
Thevooooters
Myloves,takeyourtime.
Illcourtyoufromtheotherside.
Pleaseclapforfreedom!
TrumpandEnsemble
:TrumpshootsJebrightbetweentheeyes
Trump:
Checkmate!
Trump:
PoorJebcouldntstopbeingamess,
Idestroyedhim,itsufficestosaay
Hisbodybleedingguacamole
Thiscampaignprocessisjustsohuge,Itsjustsoinspiring,youknow,and,werebringing
tremendousamountsofpeopletogether,tensofthousandsofpeople,reallyhugestuff,
Company:
Aaah
Aaah
Aaah
Trump:
IsaidIcouldkillsomeoneinthestreet116
Company:
Aah
http://www.politico.com/story/2015/07/lindseygrahamdestroyscellphonedonaldtrump120476
http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwoway/2016/01/23/464129029/donaldtrumpicouldshootsomebodyand
iwouldntloseanyvoters
115
116
Aah
Aah
Trump:
Andnoneofmyvoterswouldevencare
Company:
Aaah
Aaah
Aaah
Trump:
TherewasntmediacoverageforyousorryJeb,butlifeisntfair
Iwouldnotnegotiate
BetweenJebBushandmyself
Jeb,whatanembarrassmenttohisname,117
Historyobliterates
Theweakfoolswhoquake
Whocouldntmakeabigbreak
ButwhenJebBush
Insultedmypride
Hewounduponmybadside
AndImadehimpayforit
Isurvivedandhepaidforit
NowImthevillainIvewantedtobe
IoutsmartedtheGOP
EventhoughIdknown
EventhoughIdknown
Thefieldwaswideenoughforthatloserandme
Thefieldwaswideenoughforthatloserandme
117
http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/08/politics/donaldtrumpjebbushembarrassmentfamily/
46.WhoWins,WhoDrops,WhoMemesYourStory
GW:
LetmetellyouwhatIwishIdknown
WhenIwasprezandmeltedsteelbeams118
Youhavenocontrol
GWandCompany:
Trump:
ZodiacKiller
Cruz:
Illgivehimthis,
thememestheymadeofhimweremuchdankerthantheonestheymadeofme
AndIreallydidit.Believeme,Iactuallykilledthosepeople.
GWandCompany:
Trump:
SocialistDaddy...
Bernie:
Hetookourmillennialsfromlamememestodankmemes
Ihatetoadmititbuthedidntgetenoughmemes
Forallthememeshegaveus
BushandCompany:
InterestGroups:
EveryotherBushgetsthepresidentsseat
EveryOTHERBushgetsamemethatselite
Trump:
Butwhocaresonceyoudeclareyourethrough?
Whoclapsforyou?
TrumpandCompany:
Whomemesyourstory?
VotersandCompany:
Whomemesyourstory?
TrumpandCompany:
Whomemesyourstory?
VotersandCompany:
DankMemes?
InterestGroups:
Thevoters
118
http://www.buzzfeed.com/javiermoreno/thisblacksmithaddressesthejetfuelcantmeltsteelbeams
Voters:
Weputourvoicesbackintheelection
Company:
Thevoters
Voters:
Westoppedwastingtimeontears
Wetriedtorallyforyourpeers
Itwasnotenough
Company:
Thevoters
Voters:
Wehadtochoosebetweenthecandidateswhofoughtbyyourside
Trump/Rubio/Cruz/Kasich:
Theyfuelourstory
Voters:
Wetriedtomakesenseofyoursuddendemise
Youreallybegforclapslikeyourerunningoutoftime
InterestGroups:
Time
Voters:
Werelyon
Voters/InterestGroups:
Theinterestgroups!
Voters:
Whiletheyreinvested
Voters/InterestGroups
:Wememeyourstory
Voters:
Theynowendorsecandidateslike
Voters/InterestGroups
:You
Voters:
Whenweneededthemmosttheydirectedour
Voters/InterestGroups:
Votes
Voters
:Andwerestillnotthrough.
Weaskourselveswhatwouldyouaskustoclapforifyouhadmoretime?
Voters:
Thedatesoftheelectionprovideuswithwhatyouhadneeded,
Theygiveusmoretime
Voters:
WereviveMarcoRubioswatersip.119
Rubio:
Theymememystory
Voters
:WespeakoutagainstHillary.
Youcouldhavedonesomuchmoreifyouonlyhad
VotersandCompany:
Time
Voters:
Andwhentheelectionsdone,havewedoneenough?
Interestgroups:
Willtheymemeyourstory?
Voters:
Oh.
Canweshowyouwhatwereproudestof?
Company:
Thememegroups
Voters:
Weestablishedthelargestmemegroupsontheinternet
Company:
Thememegroups
Voters:
WehelptomakehundredsofJebmemes120
Wegettoseethemgoviral
Company:
Thememegroups
Voters:
Theyaresadjustlikeyourexclamation
Intheirtextwehearyouevery
VotersandCompany:
Time
Voters:
Andwhenourtimeisup,havewemadeenough
Oh,wecantwaittomemeyouagain
Itsonlyamatterof
Time
119
120
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19ZxJVnM5Gs
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1517507928554477/
Time
Whowins,whodrops,whomemesyourstory?
Time
Time
Trumpwins,Jebdrops,wememehisstory.

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