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Why Forgive?
Chase Hawker
Communications
5/4/16

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During day to day communication or conversations that may happen on a deeper level,
conflict will occur. Conflict and misunderstandings are something we need to learn to deal with.
Whether at home or at work. Although difficult to totally avoid, there are things one can do to
find a solution to these problems. Conflict is natural and is bound to happen. If you havent
experienced it yet you will! There are a few things that make situations more conflicting than
others but hopefully from this paper we can make it go more smoothly. Though it may seem
crazy, the easiest way to resolve conflict is to resolve yourself, and that is the main point I will
try to make in this paper. By putting others first and putting away your pride, one can show
forgiveness. An apology and reconciliation can result in little or no conflict. This paper will
discuss my personal experiences along with views from a book called, After the Conflict
Forgiveness and Reconciliation by Cahn and Abigail. I will explain the many reasons to forgive
and reconcile and why it makes for a happier life.
Forgiveness seems like a hard word to swallow. For some reason, it seems to be
associated with horrible tragedies one must struggle to forgive another for causing. While that
that may be true in some cases, most times we are dealing with seemingly insignificant
occurrences. They arent life altering and they arent something thats going to be remembered
next week. Then why do we let these little situations cause so much conflict in our life? In my
scenario the answer is simple, people are stubborn. Most people want their way whether they
know it or not. Let me give an example to explain. Tonight I was making plans with my fianc.
She wanted me to go to a dinner with her friends and I wanted her to come play soccer with my
friends. What should have been an easy situation to solve, turned into a silly argument about
whos going where and why it was more important to do the other activity. When honestly in two
days it wont really matter what we do tonight. In the moment, it seems important to have it our

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way and its difficult to have eyes that look towards the future to make decisions now.
In scenarios like the one I presented it would seem logical to start off our discussion by
compromising, but that wasnt so important at the moment. It seemed absolutely necessary on
both ends to share with each other our vision of how we saw the night going, rather than
listening to how the other saw the night going. We soon figured out how silly this was and came
to a conclusion quite fast. By seeing how important this dinner was to her I was able to apologize
and she did the same. Once we got off our high horses, so to speak, and listened to the other
person, the conflict of the situation went away. As I stated in the introductory paragraph the
easiest way to resolve conflict is to resolve yourself. Rather than pin pointing why someones
plan isnt full proof, it would be beneficial to direct that focus back on yourself. Am I doing
something to cause fault to their plan? Am I aware of my pride and am I okay with doing things
their way? Usually, a few self-reflecting questions can solve the problem and help the evening,
like Im having tonight, go smoothly. After careful consideration of their ideas if you still feel it
necessary to suggest a change to their plans do just that, suggest it. Dont attack or make them
feel stupid because of their ideas. Believe that they are trying to make the best plan for the
situation they have and kindly open their eyes to what you see.
One thing to keep in mind in daily communication is the core relational rules. That is,
our expectations about the way we should behave toward others as well as the way they should
behave toward us.1 The way we would handle a conflicting situation with a co-worker or
roommate will be much different than with a friend or significant other. These social rules we
have developed and understood over time guide our life. The experiences we have teach us what

1 C., & A. (n.d.). After the Conflict - Forgiveness and Reconciliation.

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behavior is appropriate in certain situations and what behavior is out of line. From the time we
are little, our parents tell us to go say were sorry to the friend we hurt. Reconciliation is
engrained in us from the time we are young. I knew that the situation I was in tonight called for
reconciliation. Reconciliation is a behavioral process in which we take actions to restore a
relationship or create a new one the following forgiveness.2 I knew we needed to make
restitutions to restore and preserve our relationship. Restitution and forgiveness are difficult
things to develop, but when we execute them effectively into our relationships it will solve many
of the conflicts that occur.
Studies show that forgiveness not only helps with physiological health but physical health
too. Cahn and Abigail discuss this idea by explaining the fight or flight response. Anger and fear
are emotions triggered when in a fight or flight emergency. Similarly, the effects we feel when
we do not forgive are anger and fear. Fear underlies how we respond to a situation, which turns
to anger as our unmet needs are frustrated.3 When we fail to forgive we are harming ourselves.
This short-term mechanism of fight or flight is damaged and becomes an ongoing feeling in our
lives. Sometimes forgiveness is going to be hard but by moving past the state of victimization,
one is able to forgive. Whether they speak to the transgressor or not, they can still move forward
with their lives and not harbor ill feelings.
As I was writing this paper it was difficult to do. I was indebted to forgive and I didnt
want to. For the record, we compromised and apologized and found a way to make both work.
Every word I read about forgiveness seemed like it was written just for me. Honestly, it didnt
help. I put the computer down multiple times because it would create great frustration to me. I

2 Ibid 1
3 Ibid 2

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wasnt upset at my fianc but at myself, because I knew it was such a small thing, I wondered,
why couldnt I let it go? There are multiple reasons why one would not want to forgive but the
reasons why you should forgive are few. Life will be more pleasant. You will be at peace and
generally more happy in everything you do. When there arent ill feelings towards others stowed
away inside yourself, it will only leaves room for the good. As one is able to communicate
effectively to someone they are in conflict with, they can resolve problems and solve issues with
little or no distress. Stress is relieved and anger dissolved. Forgiveness will make one grow
beyond what they are, anger will hinder us and keep us from becoming something greater.
Ultimately, the choice is ours.

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References
C., & A. (n.d.). After the Conflict - Forgiveness and Reconciliation.

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