[Roar]

{SANTA}

Ladiesandgentlemen,andorganicchemistrystudents,backdespite
multiplefuckyous,itsthemost#CANCELLEDbandintheworld,the
ColumbiaUniversityMarchingBOOBOOTRASH!

[Fanfare]

{RON}
Featuring:
J.DonaldTrump:BuildingaWall
J.BarnardLibrary:Tearingdownawall
J.Activists:ShitpostingallovertheFacebookwall

[Fanfare]

{SANTA}

Welcomesitselfbacktospirited,saccharine,strangelyantiseptic,sedulous,
sententious,sesquipedalian,semicircular,semi
centennial,solipsistic,
recentlyrenovated,yetstillinneedofrenovation!CollegeLibrary,where
theshelvesarelong
lasting,butsadlynotthemen,andthewomenare
checkedoutbutlongoverdue.Aswellasstudentminimumwagegoingup,
studentsleephoursgoingdown,andtemperaturesatanall
timesolowits
illegaltofuckit,theBandnowpresentsits63rdconsecutive,69th
semi
annualdrivetolowerthecurveinOrganicChemistrywhile
consummatingtheworldslargestsimultaneousOrgo!Andso,inthe
interestofeveryonesenjoyment:

{SANTA}
SEASstudents,pleaseturnoffyourAndroiddevices.

{RON}
GSstudents,pleaseturnupyourhearingaids.

{SANTA}
CCstudents,pleasesetyourcellphonestovibrate.

{RON}
Barnardstudents,pleasesetyourvibratorstophone.Letsstarttheshow!

[WhoOwns]

{JOKE1TAMPONGATE}
{SANTA}
Studentgovernmentwasmoreeffectivethanusualthissemester,whichis
tosay
itachievedonlyslightlymorethantheOscarswouldletanyblack
actorachieveduringawardsseason
.Barnardsoutgoing
SGApresident
wroteanopedbeggingtobefreedfromthehumancentipedethatisthe
Barnardadministration.ESCdebatedwhetherdiversityshouldtakeup50%
ofitsagendaor80%ofitsagenda
.Butallthatpalesincomparisontothe
efficiencyofCCSC,
whichwasdeterminedtoprovethatfratboyscan
organizethingsotherthanbeerpongtournaments.Likewaterpong
tournaments!


FirstcamethenewsthatBenMakansihadjokinglyappointedDeantinias
HeadofPublicSafety,whichactuallymakessense.DrinkingaDeantiniwill
makeyourvisionasblurryasthosephotosintheClerycrimealerts.And
probablyjustasracist.

Then,CCSCvictoriouslyannouncedthattheyhadplaced3plytoiletpaper
inHartley,availableforpickupforColumbiastudentswhoseassholesare
assensitiveastheirfeelings.Butwhatdoyouexpectfromastudentbody
thatissolazythatitcantfoldtoiletpaper3times?

However,themostoverblownofallCCSCpolicieswasTampongate,oras
itsalsoknown:MenstrualBloodgazi.
Thisshould'vebeenanobrainer.
Afterall,peoplehereactuallyhaveaneedforfreetampons,unlikefree
condoms
.
ButthenCCSCmovedtogivestudentsfreepadsaswell,which
wasregardedbyHealthServicesasanunnecessaryupgradefrom
extraprivilegedtoMAXIprivileged.

The
bloodbath
beganwhenCCSCpresident,Ben
Macantseewhatpadsarefor,andESCpresident,CarolineDidnt
bothertoexplainPark,postedintheClassof2016Facebookgroupasking
forreasonsHealthServicesshouldalsoprovidepads.LittledidBenrealize
hissubtlywordedreminderthathehasapeniswouldannoystudents.The
seniorclasscouldhavebeenhelpfulandactuallyansweredhisquestionso
theycouldjustgetfreepads.Instead,theytooktheopportunitytocreate
someextradramatoalleviatetheterrorofenteringtherealworld,where
identitypoliticsandfightingonFacebookwon'tgetyouanapologyandfree
shit.Peoplecurrentlyontheirperiodwerepissedthattheyhadtoexplain
whytheymaynotwanttoshovea$0.25cardboarddildouptheirvaginas,
cismenwerepissedthattherewasadiscussionthatdidntexplicitly
requiretheiropinion,andCatholicswerejustworriedthatusingtampons
countedaslosingtheirvirginity.

ButforalltheattentiongiventotheFacebookskullfuckery,thereal
questioneveryoneshouldbeaskingis...WHYdoesHealthServicesknow
lessaboutperiodsthanaRepublicanPresidentialCandidate...orTed
Cruz?

BetweenMakansi,Park,andthatnursewhoextractedyour2weekold
tamponfromyouruterus,you'reseriouslytellingusnoneofthembothered
toGooglewhysomepeoplewithvaginasmightpreferpads?

ItsliterallythejobofHealthServicestounderstandthestudentbodys
bodies.Period!Andshockingly,someofthosebodieshaveuteri!Thisbegs
thequestion,whatelsedoesHealthServicesnotknowabout?Dothey
thinkthateverystudentoncampusisactually21yearsold?Dotheythink
thatHerpesissomenewmessagingapp?Dotheythinkthatthebestcure
forasprainedankleisalemonwedgeandinstructionstowalkitofflikea
man?

AtleastnowthatColumbiafinallyhasfreetamponsandpads,wecansay
forsurethatthestudentswillbebitchingaboutthelackofdivacupsnext
year.

Inhonoroftampons,thebandnowformsanamputatedlegandplays
ToxicShockSyndrome

[TOXIC]

{JOKE2CDCJ}

{RON}
Columbiahasasmanyshittytraditionsasyourinboxhascourseevaluation
reminders.Theres
PrimalScream
,whichisknownintheneighborhoodas
whentogetawaywithmurder.TherestheannualcelebrationofBarnard
studentsgettingtobetheDom:
BigSub.
Thentheres
VarsityShow
,
whichthisyearcelebratedits122ndHowManyTimesCanWeSayDead
WhiteManperformance.Andofcourse,whocouldforgetColumbias
longstanding(orlongsitting)traditionoftheDaysonCampusProtest.

Threeweeksago,whileyoufossilfuelenablersspentyourweekditching
class,watchingNetflix,andbitchingabouttheadministration,Columbia
DivestforClimateJusticeheroicallyfoughtthesystembystormingLow...
ditchingclass,watchingNetflix,andbitchingabouttheadministration.

Thatsright,afterpostponingtheircivildisobedienceplansfromlast
semester,thesewannabeLoraxesspentfivemonthsdevelopinganew
strategy:theywouldSeamlessDigInnratherthanSw

etgreenbecause
aseveryhippieknows,organicmac&cheeseconstipationismuchmore
tolerablethankaleshits.Tobefair,theyalsospentthattimediscussing
important,substantivepolicyissues,likewhetheritstillcountsassaving
theenvironmentifyouleavehalfwaythroughforyourSaturdaygymclass.

Afteralltheirplanning,CDCJenteredLowwithamissionforcePrezboto
submittotheirdemandsthroughchanting,signage,andegregiousbody
odor.LeadingthefighttoridLowoftheprotesters,armedwithabottleof
Febreeze,wasSuzanneGoldberg,RulesAdministrator,ExecutiveVice
PresidentforUniversityLife,and~Masterofallthatshesurveys~.But
Goldbergsoonrealizedthatasimplesquirtwithawaterbottleandyelling
BADCDCJwasntgoingtocutit.Soshecameupwithaplotmore
contrivedthanVShow122andimmediatelyshutdowntheentirebuilding,
atoncerenderingtheineffectiveprotesteffective.

Meanwhile,conspicuouslyabsentfromtheprotestwasPrezbohimself,
whowasawayinCaliforniamourningthelossofbelovedsoupinventor,Bill
Campbellwhosedecadeslongfighttosavethefootballteamfinally
climaxedwhentheywontwowholegamesthisyear.

Bytheendoftheiroccupation,CDCJsomehowonlymanagedtopush
back
theirscheduledmeetingwithPrezbo,provingthemselvestobeabout
asineffectiveastheirclimatechangeproposals.

Butwhatelsedowe
expectfromaschoolwherepostingfuckyouonfacebookcountsas
actualthoughtfulactivism.

Tobeclear,weinthebandagreewithCDCJ's
goalstheonlyclimatechangethatwewanttoseeisitFINALLY
GETTINGFUCKINGWARMOUTSIDEAGAIN.

AllCDCJseemedtoreallysuccessfullyoccupywasSpec,whichtooka
breakfrombeatingthedeadhorseofwhateverthehecktheywriteabout,
tocovertheprotestwithaliveblog,livestream,twophotoessays,ahandful
ofopeds,andanairplaneovercampusdraggingabannersaying
PLEASEREADUSacrossthesky.

ButCDCJatleastachievedamoralvictorywhenBernieSanderstweeted
insupportoftheirefforts,theonlyBernierelatedvictoryinNewYorkall
semester.

Inhonorofslacktivism,thebandnowformslowstepsandplaysDrowsy
Together.

[HAPPYTOGETHER]

{JOKE3SORORITY}

{SANTA}
Everyyear,whenitgetswarm,twothingsbecomeabsolutelycertain:
swampassishappeningineverySEASboyscargoshorts,andsorority
girlsaretakinggraduationphotosonthesteps.Unlikeswampass,sorority
girlsarenotinaSEASboy'spants,butmuchlikethemuskyboginand
aroundtheasshole,sororitygirlsarehugelyirritating!

ItallstartedwhenKappaAlphaThetaalsoknownasKantaAholda
TheirliquorshowednewmembersavideowhereDeltaSigboysroasted
thesororityDeltaGammaalsoknownasDongGuzzlers.Tobeclear,
theresnothingwrongwithbeingaDongGuzzlerinfact,itsarelieftohear
aboutColumbiastudentsusingtheirbigmouthsforsomethingotherthana
selfrighteousrant.

Inthevideo,oneDeltaSigboysays:FuckDG.Andhismale
escortsorry,fratbrotherrespondsIvealreadyfuckedhalfofthem.
Because,again,nothingscreamsIm
totally
notintosocraticgayboylove
likepayingmoneytohangoutwithothermenforfouryears,andthen
braggingloudly
andtotallynotselfconsciously
tothemabouthowmany
girlsyoufuck.

Andyet,somehow,immediatelyafterthis,ThetalandedaNewYorkTimes
articleabouthow
feminist
itis.ThatslikeJayZgettingahusbandofthe
yearaward,orBernieSanderssayingheswinningtheDemocratic
nomination,oraSyrianchildpassingColumbiasswimtest.Sororities,the
articlesaid,havethrownofftheshacklesofthedarkertimes,whenthey
focusedon,oh,Idontknow,stufflikepettilyslanderingothersororities.
Afterall,thearticleexplained,sororitiesarenowjustfeministbreeding
grounds.Bythatlogic,Barnardisthebiggestsororityoncampus.

ButThetasfeministrebrandingranintoproblemsonaccountofits
Prohibitioneraalcoholpolicies,writtenwhenliquorwasneitherseennor
heard,justlikethewomen!Butthisrulebreakingcouldhavebeenkeptas
secretasMartinOMalleyspresidentialcampaignifithadntbeenfor
ColumbiaspremieresourceforFacebookreposts,Bwog!

Thatsright,Bwoggotthedirtbyputtingupanarticlefeaturingasnapchat
ofacheekyThetamembernexttobottlesofvodka,rum,andthesemenof
pastconquests.

WhilesomeweresurprisedthatBwogsomehowstillexists,mostpeople
weresurprisedthattheyneglectedtobluroutthegirlsname,orherclearly
identifiableasscheeks.Infact,theuproarinthecommentssectionwasso
greatthatBwogputtheEditorinChiefoutofhismisery,which,knowing
BwogsrevolvingdoorofEditorinChiefs,isaboutassurprisingas
sororitiesdrinkinginthefirstplace.HeresatipforBwog:justhirethe
sororitygirltobeyournextEIC,sinceshesalreadycallingtheshotsabout
yourcontent.

ButatleastthisscandaldistractedColumbiafromthebiggerissueof
sororityrecruitment.Intheunfortunatelyalliterativeandperhapsculturally
appropriativeSpecoped,WhyIsaidSayonaratoSororities,theauthor
accusedrecruitmentofbeingshallowandbasedonlooksandsmalltalk,
which,incidentally,perfectlydescribesthe
JarredFogelBigBrother
program
.Imean,whatdidshefuckingexpect?Claimingthatthesisterhood
youpay$400asemesterforisfakeislikeclaimingthatthere
might
be
pukeintheCarmanelevatorsduringNSOP.Theonlythingworsethana
friendwhotagsyouinuglycandidphotosisasisterwhoscreenshots
youruglycandidphotosandtipsthemtoBwog.


Still,wehavetoask:Howthefrickfrackareanyofthesescandalous!?The
factthatsororitiesdrinkbooze,flashass,andcantstandeachotherisnt
exactlynew.But,sororityhijinksaresocommonthatwesomehowcare
lessaboutthemthanwedoaboutwhateverthefuckApartheidDivestdid
thissemester.Maybenextyear,sororitieswillbeabletoadmitwhat
theyrereallyabout
givingIvyLeaguenerdstoopportunitytopretendtobe
hot
.

Inhonorofsisterhood,thebandnowformsabigolbottleofboozeand
playsIllmakeaSororityWomanOutofYou

[MULAN]

{JOKE4STATUE}

{RON}
Guys,wereabouttoreadthestatejoke.Butwejustwanttotakea
momenttosayFuckallofyouformakingthisabigenoughdealwehadto
actuallywriteaboutthisshit.YouguysareallmassiveDumDumIdiotsfor
makingtheNewYorkTimeswriteaboutthispieceofshit,insteadofan
actuallyimportantissue.

Okay,letsgetthisoverwith

Firstoff,someoneintheadministrationmusthaveafetishforsculptures
thatlookliketheyweredesignedbyhornygarbagecompactors.Imean,if
walkingintotheLawLibraryunderneathasculptureoftangledsexwith
magicalhorsesistheircupoftea,fineweinthebandwillneversay
nay
tohorsesex.Butthatdoesntmeantherestofthestudentbodyenjoys
passingbyamonolithtotheirweird,creepykinkseverytimetheywantto
gotoECandgentlymakelovetotheirsuitesfireextinguisheruntilit
sprayswhitegoo,likenormalpeople.


Thisnewsculptureisnoexception,sinceitlookslikethestainleftonthe
sheetsafterthePansculpturehatefuckedtheTooth.Butaccordingto
ColumbiaFacilitiesunread,unheardof,andunnecessarysculptureblog,
RecliningFigure
depictsawomanwithherlegsspread,waitingtoget
fuckedbytheadministrationjustliketherestofus.Columbiasomehow
sawnoproblemwithputtingthisfemalefigureinfrontofButler,abuilding
withlessgenderdiversitythanaHarvardsocialclub.Anditsnotlikethere
cantbeagoodsculptureofawoman:wereprettysureeveryoneon
campusrespectsAlmaMatermorethanPrezbo...notjustbecause
studentsactuallyseeheraroundcampus,butbecausesheswaycooler
aboutdrunkstudentsclimbingontopofher.

ButwehavetoaskhasHenryMooreeverevenseenwhatawoman
lookslike?Whyistheonlyfeaturedistinguishingthiswomanfromapost
JJsbowelmovementthetapedontitty?Washespurnedbyamiddle
schoolcrush,vowingnevertolayeyesonawomanagain?Whohurtyou,
HenryMoore?

ButHenryMooresmommyissuesdontlettherestofyouassholesoffthe
hook.Whilethereissomethingtobesaidaboutputtingavaguelyfemale
sculptureinfrontofsomestronglyphalliccolumns,mostdetractorsofthe
sculpturewerebusyyelling,Itsugly!,andIhateit!,andImafraidof
anyminorchangesinmylife!

Forallthetalkaboutneedingthosefivesquarefeetofgrasstoplayfrisbee,
thelawnshaveemptierthantheywereduringBacchanal.Butbecauseyou
insistedonyourrighttoapatchofgrassyoudidntgiveashitaboutbefore,
StudentCouncilactuallyhadtosendoutasurveyaskingDoyoulikethe
statue,asiftheadministrationwouldeverlistentoouropinions.CCSC
couldhavesavedthemselvestheeffortifstudentsjuststoppedgoing
outside!Thinkofallthefunthingsyoucandoindoors,likeslowlymelting
intothefabricofyourmattressasyourbodywithersanddeconstructsin
therank,fartmoistair.

Theonlypeoplewhoseemtobeinfavorofthesculpturearearthistory
majors,thethreeofyouwhodidntsleepthroughArtHum,andSpecs
rick131.Tobefair,maybewerebeingabithardonthearthistorymajors.

Afterall,ifyouregoingtopayaquartermilliondollarsforadegreein
unemployable,youshouldatleasthaveasayinwhatshittyartis
displayedoncampus.

Inhonoroftapedontities,thebandformsapileofbreastsandplays
GameofThrones.

[GAMEOFTHRONES]

{JOKE5BARNARD}

{SANTA}
ThisyearforBarnardwaslikeafreshmansfirstfratpartyhookup.Inother
words,fullofinitialexcitementandultimatelyfloppydisappointments.

First,theresOverheard@Barnard,whichwasoriginallymeantassome
sortofsafespaceforbothBarnardstudentsand50commentthreads
aboutMarxism.

ThegroupwasdiscoveredandcolonizedbyColumbiastudentswhena
BarnardstudentpostedapictureofherselfinbedwithhalfofRae
Sremmurd,whichwouldhavebeenreallycoolifanyonehadactuallycared
aboutBacchanalthisyear.Weinthebandhavetosay,foragroupcalled
"overheard,"it'sweirdthatitsmostfamouspostisapicture.

Yetthepeakof
OverheardatBarnardwasalsoapreviewofitsfallfromgrace,as
argumentsaboutconsentandtriggerwarningsdividedthecollegefaster
thananOrgoNightsurvey.

Next,theBarnardadministrationtriedtoimprovestudentlifebygivingits
studentsaccesstoJJsplace.
Unfortunately,thisisstillacrisisinthe
makingWhatincentivedoBarnardstudentshavetotalktoColumbiaboys
nowthattheydontneedaswipeintoJJs??IfColumbiaboyscantbribe
theirdateswithacharredhockeypuckbetweentwobuns,theyllhaveno
waytocompetewithSwaeLeeonTinder.

ThenwasthenewsthatMaliaObamawasconsideringgoingtoBarnard.
TheBarnardClassof2020wasalreadyfightingovertherighttohold
MaliashairbackthefirsttimeshehastopukeintoaSulztoilet.

Unfortunately,Maliachosetotakeagapyearandgoto
Harvard,which
madeDonaldTrumpimmediatelyskepticalanddemandtoseealongform
acceptanceletter
.MaybealloftheJJsdramaiswhatturnedMaliaaway
fromBarnard,NewYorkspremierschoolforcorporate,white
commencementspeakers.JJsPlaceprobablyseemedunattractiveto
MichelleObama,consideringherWaronFatKids.WhenBarnard
announcedthatJJswouldbeavailabletoallstudents,Michellemusthave
usedtheexecutivevetoandtoldMalia,youhavetogotoschoolin
Boston,wherethereshealthyfood,likeBostonMarket,andboston
cremepie,andyouknowwhat,maybejustdontgotoschoolforayear.
Regardless,MaliaObamachosenottocometoBarnard,probablybecause
Obamacare,butBarnardnocare.

Inothernews,whileanewlibrarymayseempromising,constructionis
displacingprofessors,annoyingtheshitoutofneighborhoodresidents,and
leavingsomestudentswithouttheirculturalcenteritslikeamini
Manhattanvilleinourownbackyard.

AndasBarnardsfoundationwaspoundedbyjackhammers,itsstudents
weregettingapoundingoftheirownwithathick6..percenttuition
increase.GoingtoBarnardnowcosts$66,000peryear,officiallypushing
thepriceoftuitionabovethepriceofabackrowHamiltonticket.Andthe
risingtuitionapparentlywasntenoughforBarnardsmoneyguzzling
administrationwhichjustlaunchedarevolutionarycampaigntoraise
moremoney.TheBoldStandardssororityrecruitmentvideoistryingto
reminduswhyBarnardisworthkeepingaroundinsteadofjustslowly
witheringawaylikeMaggietheMagnolia.Ultimately,thisjustprovesthat
themoremoneyBarnardtakes,themorefuckedupitbecomes,justlikea
highprofilehooker..OrHillaryClinton.

InhonorofBarnardandColumbiasupport,thebandnowformsthesingle
mostunifyingsonginthehistoryofmusicandplaysWereAllinThis
Together.

[WEREALLINTHISTOGETHER]

{SANTA}
Well,thatsallforustonight,folks.Butbeforewego,wedliketoleaveyou
withafewstudyhintsforthebigOrgoexamtomorrow:

{RON}
Ringsofcarbonarecalledaromatics.Ringsoffratboysarejustaromatic.

{SANTA}
Uncombustedmethanefromanimalmanureisamajorsourceof
greenhousegas.
AnuncombustedBarnardgirlafterChipotlewasrecently
amajorsourceoflibrarygas.

{RON}
Carbonspropensityforinfinitebondingcouldcausesomeproblemswhen
carbonsNSOPgroupinevitablystopstalkingtoeachother.

{SANTA}
Andfinally,inchemistry,elementsthatarenotpartofthesolutionarepart
oftheprecipitate,whereas,atColumbia,studentswhoarenotpartofthe
solutionarepartoftheBand!

{RON}
Thanksandgoodnightfolks!Trynottobreakanybookcasesonyourway
out!

[Raw]