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BAILLY_PAPER3.DOCX (20.89K)
T IME SUBMIT T ED
19-APR-2016 01:25PM
WORD COUNT
1489
SUBMISSION ID
662027733
CHARACT ER COUNT
7716
Is this paragraph
your review of
opinions? While
there isn't much
research, it
seems a little like
that type of
paragraph.
probably
w
ill
Forty
When
numbers
start
sentences,
spell them
out.
Develop your
conclusion a
little.
Telematics and
Informatics 33.2 (2015):
This citation isn't
493-499.
accurate. See the
changes and make
the same ones to
the Montgomery
source.
Bailly_Paper3.docx
GRADEMARK REPORT
FINAL GRADE
GENERAL COMMENTS
/100
Instructor
As I mentioned in D2L, the main reason f or your low
score is that this paper does not f ulf ill the word
count required. Right now, your paper is 1341 words
(without the Works Cited page). T he assignment
asked f or a paper between 1400 and 1800 words.
Since the syllabus states that papers must reach the
minimum length and because we are so close to the
end of the semester, I won't return this f or revision
bef ore I grade it. Rather, you'll get a grade and then
you can work on this missing requirement in revision.
Please be aware that simply adding to a short paper
isn't considered "signif icant" revision.
Aside f rom not f ulf illing the assignment, lack of
develop also hinders your argument f rom being as
strong as it could be. It also probably results in not
setting a strong context f or your ideas (see more
below). T he point is that developing your ideas
wouldn't just f ulf ill the assignment; it would add
strength to your argument and the explanation of
the issue.
Outside of the problem of development, you have
some nice points here. T he research that you did
shows promise! But there are a number of smaller
issues and at least two large issue to consider and
revise bef ore the whole paper is raised to the quality
of those nice points.
Let's discuss the "big issues" f irst. Notice how
abruptly your paper starts. It just isn't clear what the
issue you were trying to investigate through your
research is. Even if your issue changed a little, that
issue has to be clear f rom the beginning. For
example, I'd suggest writing a whole other paragraph
bef ore the one you currently have as the f irst
paragraph. In it, you might talk about the anxiety
adults of ten have about teens' use of social media
and what they worry about, specif ically and what
actions are taken to control social media use.
T hen, you can announce your thesis. Ultimately, the
thesis that you have right now really isn't that clear,
nor does it include the ideas that you include toward
the end of the paper--that controlling social media
PAGE 1
Text Comment.
Text Comment.
no comment
Comment 1
Hours spent online? Hours spent on Facebook, Instagram, and etc.?
Text Comment.
Is this paragraph your review of opinions? While there isn't much research,
it seems a little like that type of paragraph.
Comment 2
What type of connection?
Comment 3
Meaning?
PAGE 2
QM
Text Comment.
Text Comment.
probably
PAGE 3
Comment 4
T o what? Your paper is generally hard to f ollow, and this is a prime example of that. T his
statement implies that you've just mentioned a specif ic question. Maybe that question was
"what is social media" or "how many social media sites do you use," but that really isn't clear.
Text Comment.
Comment 5
Yes, this makes sense, but what is this pattern? Just that it becomes habitual? Because you
haven't made your issue very clear f rom the beginning, it's hard to really see why this
development of a habit or pattern is meaningf ul.
Comment 6
Explain the meaning of this quote more f ully af ter the quote. Specif ically, clarif y f or readers
what "positively associated" means. I imagine this means a positive correlation...?
Text Comment.
Text Comment.
Comment 7
Doesn't this contradict the f irst sentence?
QM
WC
Word choice error:
Sometimes choosing the correct word to express exactly what you have to say is very dif f icult
to do. Word choice errors can be the result of not paying attention to the word or trying too
hard to come up with a f ancier word when a simple one is appropriate. A thesaurus can be a
handy tool when you're trying to f ind a word that's similar to, but more accurate than, the one
you're looking up. However, it can of ten introduce more problems if you use a word thinking it
has exactly the same meaning.
Additional Comment I'd suggest "matched up with..."
Comment 8
Since this is a block quote, you don't have quotes within quotes, and the single quotes here and
in the rest of the block quote should be double quotes. Make sense?
QM
Page
Page number?
Text Comment.
will
Text Comment.
Text Comment.
Forty
PAGE 5
Text Comment.
Well-said! Again, because of the beginning of the paper, it's hard to tell
how meaningf ul this point is to an argument, but it is a nice point.
Text Comment.
PAGE 6
QM
Article Title
T his is an article title. What needs to change about the f ormat?
Text Comment.
QM
Ital.
Italicize
Strikethrough.
Text Comment.
T his citation isn't accurate. See the changes and make the same ones to
the Montgomery source.
QM
Ital.
Italicize
QM
Article Title
T his is an article title. What needs to change about the f ormat?
Comment 10
You need a separate citation f or each individual that you interviewed. T he sources should start
with "Participant 1," "Participant 2," and so f orth.
QM
Ital.
Italicize
QM
Ital.
Italicize