Its 2am on Sunday 16th March 2013 and I cant sleep.

My insomnia is keeping me awake and

I havent contemplated going to bed. I dont want to lie awake not able to sleep so I sit at my
laptop and try to pass the time. I havent taken my meds yet which is possibly contributing to
my insomnia and my sullen and slightly irritable mood. Most of my flat mates are possibly
asleep by now so I dont need to worry about snapping at anyone. I want to shave my beard
again and Im not sure why, I get this urge to just shave it all off every so often so I think I
will. Then watch it grow back. Im a little bit strange like that. I dont know why I wrote this,
I just felt compelled to write so I did. Early morning can be a lonely time when everyone else
is asleep but there is a peace to it as well. As I write this the beginning of tiredness is making
my eyes itch a little. Perhaps I will sleep this morning after all. Perhaps I should take my
medication and attempt sleep, salvage some sleep before daylight comes. I wish something
could treat my insomnia and allow me to sleep through the night, and not wake up constantly
throughout, tossing and turning to get some sleep. Sleeping pills dont work and nor will the
doctors give me any, I get addicted to them too easily. My bipolar meds act as a sedative but
it doesnt keep me asleep, only allows me to get to sleep in the first place. Im starting to
yawn now so I think tiredness is taking hold. Perhaps Ill go to bed now.
Its now 3:30am on the same morning, an hour and a half later. Although its still dark out I
can hear sea gulls outside so daylight cant be far away. I dont know if I will sleep this
morning but I should at least try. Once I finish writing this Ill take my meds and see if sleep
hits me. It might just be one of those mornings where I struggle to sleep. Which is frustrating
as hell.
I cant get him out of my head. No matter how many years pass, where I go and what I do,
hes there in my mind. Perhaps not all the time, but when the night is quiet and I get to
thinking, hes always there just waiting to come back into my conscious. I look for him in the
faces of other men, seek out his familiar eyes in a sea of strangers. I look him up on Facebook
and see his face, see glimpses of his life and wish I was still part of it. Wishing that I still
mattered to him. I know I dont though, that he moved on years ago whilst Im still stuck in
the past. If someone told me that one man could make me feel like this I would have
dismissed it. To care so much for someone and feel so much pain at their absence. Is it love?
How can it be when I never really knew him, when he gave away so little of himself.
Infatuation and lust, thats closer to the mark. Mingled with obsession and longing. If I could
spend one more day with him, what would I do? What would I say? Doesnt matter really as
that day wont come.
He has a new life now and I wont be part of it either. The way this writes sounds like he is an
ex-lover, someone who I lost and am still hurting over. He wasnt a lover but I did lose him
and I still hurt. I wish I could pack him away and be done with it. I wish this feeling would
just end and let me go. I used to enjoy feeling like this, feeling for him how I did, now it just
hurts. No happiness, just pain. I cant stop waiting, cant stop searching and cant stop
hoping. For what I dont know but Ive been doing it for years, four years to be precise.
Maybe one day the cycle will end and Ill cast him from my thoughts but for now hell be in
my mind and bring forward pain. Pain and longing. Emotions were never easy, huh?
3/4/2014

Had a strange dream last night. I was at the top of this circular building, the inside surrounded
a huge gap with only a platform running around the edge looking down. The building was to
be torn down, however people protested by staying inside. I was trying to figure out how to
escape and couldnt find a way out. As I tried to figure it out the building began to fill with
water, with people starting to drown and die. As I was submerged and began to drown, I woke
up. For some reason my friend Kaz, from my course was there and the building had the
Staples store sign on it.
10/5/2014
How is it that certain people come into your life, without it being planned and just like that
worm into your mind and emotions? People who you meet by chance and pretty soon you
cant imagine them not being there and the thought of not being able to see them, to talk to
them scares the shit out of you. And then the obsession starts, the desperate infatuation, and
you want to scream it at them and have them understand but you know you mustnt. So you
bottle it up and hope it goes away, even though you know it wont. So you pass each day
feeling the same damn feelings and know you dont mean the same to them. And then the
fucking guilt starts because you have your partner, who youre in love with and who is in
love with you. And you feel that you shouldnt feel that way for other people. And then he
reminds me that its ok and I stop feeling guilty, because its always him I come back to and
him I want to make my future with. That whilst different people make me feel different
things, its his face and his love that my future is with.
11/5/2014
I have been having strange dreams the last couple of nights, dreams I dont quite understand
the meaning of. The first dream was on Sunday evening and in this dream I was taking care
of a young girl of around 7 years old. She wanted me to drive her somewhere but as I dont
drive I made up an excuse that the car that was there wasnt my car and I didnt have the
keys. The second dream was me at a motorway service station, where I was waiting for a
friend to arrive. An old teacher from secondary school turned up and started talking to me
about how he recognised me somehow but didnt know where from. I told him he had taught
me and we ended up talking and walking around before he left. At that point my friend Alfie
arrived.
27/5/2014
I had another dream last night. I am wondering if these dreams are reflecting thoughts in the
back of my mind which Im not even aware of having. I was in a large manor house, about to
enter one of the upstairs rooms. Before I entered I walked past some people from my youth
group in Plymouth. They were about to attend the funeral of someone they had known. Inside
the room, in the centre of the floor was a Nintendo DS and games case, which was the
belongings of the girl who died. We gathered around the items to pay respects when the girl
next to me started jerking and twitching, looking how people in films do when possessed by
an evil spirit. That was when I woke up.
28/5/2014

I hate clichs about feelings, but I cant stop my mind from returning to them when thinking
about the object of my latest obsession and infatuation. I walked into my first seminar for a
module last week and when my eyes fell onto the tutor, it happened in an instant. I felt my
eyes drawn to him and I realised that I couldnt stop staring at him and acutely aware of how
shy I felt. Throughout the seminar I found myself covertly checking him out, running my
eyes over his body and trying to familiarise myself with him. I noticed the dark eyes beneath
dark, messy hair, the square framed glasses and his soft yet masculine jaw. His voice was
deep but had the inflections at the end of sentences which I note is common in those from
North America. Today in my seminar he was listening to us read work out loud, and at one
point he had his eyes closed as he listened. I couldnt stop myself imagining lying next to him
as he slept, seeing that same peaceful expression he had in class next to mine. I long for
Monday to come so that I can see him again, hear his voice and see his eyes deep in thought
and laughter curl that mouth into a smile.
13/10/2014
I can feel it build up and strengthen the desire and longing to be around him, to see him, to
hear him. To just be close to him and take in everything about him. Hes like a drug and I
need my fix, anyway I can get it. I breathe in his scent when he is near me, scrutinise his face
and try to focus on every single detail. I had a meeting with him and as we spoke he had a
look of pure intensity in his eyes, which drew me towards him even further. His eyes were so
intense that I wanted to both keep looking and look away, as I felt I would blush if I
continued looking. I crack jokes just to see him smile or to hear his laugh, and so that he will
like me. I feel like a besotted teenager, trying to gain approval. He is my new obsession and
infatuation and I know Ive got it bad.
30/11/2014