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Caroline Worrell
Mrs. Pettay 3B
ENG 111
4 November 2015
The Type of People You Gossip About at the Airport
Its safe to say, no one likes the airport. Its a place filled with germs, too many
people, and inevitably, disappointment in some way, shape, or form. But the people that
never fail to disappoint are in fact, the people you gossip about at the airport. They may
be aggravating, but chances are, theyre a far better source of entertainment than the
terrible movie youve probably seen a thousand times being played on the plane.
The Security Breachers are typically the first of your many encounters at the
airport. Youve confirmed your flight, retrieved your seat assignments (aisle seats
hopefully), checked your bags, and its time to tackle the ever-so daunting task of
Security. Just as expected, the line is endless because for some inexplicable reason, only
one of the four lines is actually open. After waiting for what seems like an eternity, the
security conveyor belt is just in sight. But wait. As you look to the person ahead, you
notice a few things. Their shoes have an assortment of buckles and laces that will most
definitely take 10 times as long to take off and put on than your simple slip on shoes.
Somehow theyve managed to completely stuff all of their airport regulation sized carryons and on top of all that, they chose today, of all days, to put on every single piece of
metal jewelry they own. Queue eye roll and exaggerated sigh. By the time they condense
all of their unnecessary commodities into 15 different bins and have gone through the

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metal detector four times, youre glad you got to the airport 30 minutes early. The next
group of aggravating fliers is left wishing they were as proactive as you in this situation.
This group is the Late Arrivals. This panicky pack of travelers have all
successfully slept through every alarm, forgotten their boarding passes on the kitchen
table, and hit every bit of traffic possible on the way to the airport. These people are
already 45 minutes behind schedule, and they havent even had to deal with the Security
Breachers yet. You can catch them sprinting from gate to gate in complete disarray,
desperately trying to catch their flight out or next connection. Theyre the reason youve
been waiting on the runway for 25 minutes, because somehow theyve sweet-talked the
flight attendants into keeping the door open long enough for them to grab the wallet they
forgot all the way back in Security. When they finally get into their actual seats on the
plane, theyre sweaty and panting and already attempting to regain their strength to do the
routine all over again when they have to make their connection at the next stop. Both you,
and your seatmate say a little prayer that they dont coincidently have the same one as
you (they probably will). The Delayed Arrivals are similar to this next category of fliers,
in the fact that they both are always in a constant state of panic.
These freaked-out fliers are better known as the Valium Vacationers. While
other passengers are boarding, theyre probably in the bathroom taking a few relaxers
and talking themselves into getting actually walking into those death traps, we call
planes. Once they get into their seats, these travelers fasten their seat belt as tightly as
possible, make sure their oxygen masks are functioning, and read the manual thoroughly
before assuming a Death Grip on the arm rests next to them. You want to hand them a
barf bag (or three) as you walk by them on your way to your seats, and see that they

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already look green and the pilots have yet to even flip on the engines. Luckily for them,
and you for that matter, those pills they took in the bathroom are finally starting to kick in
by the time the flight attendants make it to them with the refreshments cart. Its hard for
both you, and the passenger next to you to disguise the shock on your faces when they
order 3 mini-bottles of chardonnay, and its barely 9:30 in the morning. The thought even
makes you a little queasy. Unfortunately for you and everyone else on the plane, the
Valium Vacationers drinking habits arent the only thing giving you a weak stomach.
As you walk back to the bathroom, this next category of horrendous commuter is
tough to miss. They are the Exhausted Explorers. Youll usually hear them much
longer before you see them, as their incessant snoring roars through the cabin. You cant
help but feel badly for the strategically placed petite young lady, who of course, was
lucky enough to be seated next to this 200+ pound man, passed out cold. As if the snoring
in her ear wasnt enough, hes slouched over just enough so that his head is gently resting
on her bony shoulder, with his mouth propped open catching flies like a slimy swamp
toad. As you tiptoe by him, you see a tiny dribble of drool slide out of the corner of his
mouth onto the floor. You regret ever grimacing at your neighbor for leaving their
overhead light on when you see your other options. Just as you finally settle into your
seat for the remainder of the flight, you close your eyes ever-so softly, only to be jolted
into consciousness with the sound of a high-pitched shriek; a shriek that can only be
made by none other than our final group of flyers.
How could anyone forget the Troublesome Toddlers? You remember seeing
them run around airport on those strange baby leashes and prayed for dear life that they
werent assigned to the seat behind you. But of course, they were and now youre

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spending the remainder of your flight reconsidering your entire trip, while a tiny David
Beckham giggles and kicks the back of your chair. When the kicking stops, and you think
its all over, youre reminded that the universe is actually out to get you today and the
baby decides that it is the perfect time to start crying. And not just a little crying either.
Rather an incessant, piercing screech, that makes everyone on the plane groan in
annoyance. Not even your headphones can block out this special pitch of shriek. All you
can do is sit in your seat, breathe deeply, and pray for some relief. At this point, youre
trying to think of all the terrible things you may have done in the past week that have
induced this plague of bad karma.
Despite this series of unfortunate travelers, airports are not as terrible as they
seem. They represent exciting excursions and memorable moments. Often times youre
there because youre visiting family, taking a trip to see a long-lost friend, or maybe
finally going on that dream vacation youve waited your entire life for. You may just have
to grin and bear it past all these groups in the airport to get to your final destination. Just
remember that at the very least, youll get a good chuckle and silly story to tell youre
friends once you get there.