Header info and page numbers please!

This is a draft of a students literacy narrative that has been through a peer response
workshop and has undergone further revision based on peer comments. You are now
giving feedback to the student so that the student can revise again for the final portfolio.

Cover Memo

The strength of my paper is that I developed my organization well because I

wrote it like a timeline. I also think I wrote according to the prompt and wrote how
each of my readings affected my literary development. However, I feel my
weaknesses in my paper is any missing content that may confuse the reader. Also
there are some grammatical and sentence structure errors that I may not have
caught. I also think that there may be some organization problems that I may have
not caught even though I think the organization is good. I also believe that I may
have lots of redundancy on my paper.

I want to know if I have any contents in my paper that are confusing to you. I

also want to know if there are any grammatical or sentence structure errors that
keep occurring. I am also open to any suggestions and advice.

My peer reviewers mostly are confused on how have my literacy developed

today because I started talking about the Internet and I didnt add details on how it
affected me as a reader. Another noticeable question came up was the peer
reviewers wanting to know more details about the books I read. So I went on ahead
to add a little summary to some books I read. I also noticed that I would confuse my
peer reviewers on the ending of my paper because I was not finished at the time. So
I went on ahead and finished the paper to talk about how the Internet affected me as
a reader. Sounds like youve taken your peer reviewers words to heart and already
improved the paper. Excellent start.

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:18

Deleted: well

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:20

Deleted: are
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:20
Deleted: s
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:18
Deleted: those errors

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:18

Comment [1]: yes, I can see that! What
could you cut from this paragraph?
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:21
Comment [2]: Subject/verb agreement
and countable/uncountable nouns issue
here. Review handout from class.
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:23
Comment [3]: You could also revise this
to say I want to know if there is anything
confusing for the reader in my paper. Its a
bit more direct and will help you avoid
repeating the same sentence structures
from above.

Header info and page numbers please!

Taking Literature to the 21st Century

I used to be a kid who loved the traditional 20th Century style of literature. I loved
to read books, especially ones with pictures, and write my own stories in little booklets
that I made from scratch. I would go to the library with my family and borrow books for
the enjoyment of reading. My parents would let me borrow whatever books I want to

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:25

Comment [4]: As a reader, Im confused
what you mean here. Can you unpack a bit
more about what traditional indicates?
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:24
Deleted: out of

read. At the same time, I participated in activities at the library, such as making my own
books with empty pages in them all waiting to be written on. Sometimes I would try to
start writing on these books, but I got too nervous to write anything on the blank pages. I
kept wondering, What would happen if I messed up? I dont want to ruin these books.
My love for reading started out with reading a Pokemon book that I found in the
library because I wanted to see if it was anything like the television show I loved to

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:27

Comment [5]: are these different than the
books from scratch above? unclear
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:24
Deleted: ,
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:24
Deleted: ?

watch, Pokemon. I really liked that the book had panels of images on each page with
each character talking with words in the bubbles like a comic book, but it wasnt a comic
book. After I finished reading the book, I went back to the library to look for more
Pokemon books in a different series. Once I started my early stage of elementary school, I
started to read Captain Underpants books and I enjoyed the graphics in the books along
with the jokes. The graphics would show pictures of a normal person in life that happens
to turn into a superhero with only underwear whenever a monster shows up. The stories
in these books made me laugh because the author purposely misspells words and I found
it ridiculous that the hero is just a guy in his underwear. I enjoyed the graphics in both

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:26

Comment [6]: repetition can you cut
this down to 3 lines instead of over 4?
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:28
Comment [7]: So good!
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:34
Comment [8]: word choice? images or
pictures might be a better fit here and
throughout your narrative.
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:27
Comment [9]: countable/uncountable
nouns
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:27
Deleted: an

Header info and page numbers please!

books because they helped me get a good picture of the story without needing to use
several words. These books were like movies on paper where the books provided my
imaginations for me.
In my later elementary school years I moved on to reading novels without
graphics in them. A book that I enjoyed reading for school was Holes by Louis Sachar. It
was mainly about a boy name Stanley who was forced to dig holes to find a treasure chest

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:29

Comment [10]: idea? understanding?
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:29
Deleted: graphics
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:30
Comment [11]: I think you mean lots or
many here. Several implies a small
number of words.
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:28
Comment [12]: countable/uncountable
noun

such as the part when he had Stanley having the last name of Yelnats. It took me a while

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:31

Comment [13]: See how changing the
sentence structure makes for a clearer, less
repetitive sentence? Can you do this trick to
other sentences in the paragraph?

to realize that his last name is backwards of Stanley until Stanley mentioned his name in

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:30

Deleted: There was a

the book. I really enjoyed the book to the point where I went to go see the movie version

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:30

Deleted: , which

of the book. However, my most memorable novels that I read during this time were the

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:31

Deleted: ,

for committing a crime he didnt do. I was fascinated with his cleverness in his story,

Harry Potter series. Ive never enjoyed such books in my life to the point where I bought

out. I would take a Harry Potter from the bookshelf under my bunk bed and sit under my

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:33

Comment [14]: This sounds like youve
never enjoyed books that are similar to
Harry Potter. Did the series change your
mind about fantasy stories? Or do you mean
that the books were so good you went and
bought them, something youd not done
before?

bunk bed comfortably just to enjoy reading fascinating story of magic and magical

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:33

Deleted: ed

the whole series. Unfortunately, only the first five books were out when I was in
elementary school, so I impatiently waited for the other two books of the series to come

creatures. Reading these novels without graphics helped me evolved as a reader because
they contained more descriptive words, which allowed me to create my own imagination
of the stories. These novels also allowed me to become a better reader because I learned
new words from them, I read more efficiently, and I learned what correct grammar
looked like in these books.
When I was young I read books for the joy of reading. I read books that I wanted
to read without any constraints from school assignments and read on whatever free time I

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:35

Comment [15]: Great description here of
how this reading changed you. You paint a
full picture of you as a kid reading and
reading.

Header info and page numbers please!

had. However, when I became a teenager my interest in reading books diminished. Id
met the Internet.
I moved to a new school in the Bay Area during middle school. Ever since I
moved schools, I had several assignments that required computers. From there I started
reading information online to complete assignments. In my free time during or after my
homework assignments, I explored the Internet until I discovered Facebook. My friends
at school always talked about Facebook and how they would connect and contact each
other through the website. Initially, I told myself that I wouldnt participate with such

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:35

Deleted: when I became a teenager once

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:35

Deleted: in
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:35
Deleted: my
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:35
Deleted: years
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:36
Comment [16]: tense?
Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:36
Deleted: O

social media. However, after being on the computer several times, I finally caved in and
made a Facebook account. I was impressed with Facebook because I can connect with all
my friends by reading their posts and by messaging them. I felt like I was in another
world where everyone was in a giant online circle where we can all communicate. People
dont just talk about how their days were going, but they shared news and articles on their
posts.
I came to realize that I have been reading peoples posts and comments more than
I have been reading books. At this point I was on the Internet frequently to the point
where I had no time to read books because now I can get all my information, news and
stories online. It seems as the Internet have taken over the world today, as the Internet has
not only emerged into computers, but also into cell phones. I have a cell phone with
Internet access and I have been on my phone accessing the Internet almost every minute
throughout my life now that Internet has gone mobile. Now I read the news and Facebook
every day to the point where I dont read books anymore.

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:38

Comment [17]: Youve got some rich
detail here! However, you keep moving from
past to present tense and its a bit confusing.
Perhaps cutting down some unneeded
words/rephrasing will solve this problem?

Header info and page numbers please!

Reading from the Internet, especially Facebook was different from reading books.
Many websites and social media had several informalities in the way the words were
written. In social media, such as Facebook, there were several misspellings and incorrect
grammar. These informalities led to me to start writing to my friends or on my emails

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:39

Comment [18]: Change your tense here
to present tense because still true today.

informally because I learned that in social media, it was okay to be informal with your
words. For example, people can write np instead of no problem as shorthand writing
and how some people write dis instead of this. Also now that I dont read books on
my free time anymore I feel as if I lost my imagination in reading because I read news
and posts from online which dont provide the same descriptive word as books. News and
post from online just informs me and I just read online just to know what is going in the
world.
I used to love reading books a lot just to enjoy the stories. As time goes on, my
evolution in my development in reading has changed. The journey from reading in the
20th Century style to the 21st Century style has created different aspects in reading. I went
from reading to enjoy stories to just wanting to know what is going on with other people.
It seems as though reading actually became more frequent in the 21st Century now that
the Internet has gone mobile. However, the style of reading books has become more
diminished today to the point if I wonder if there will be a loss in imagination in all of us.

Student,
Youve got a lot of great detail in this narrative. I especially like how you think about the
ways the internet has changed how people read and possible effects. You note in your
cover memo that you want to work on repetition and fixing repeated grammar errors, so I
flagged the major ones for your attention. Keep working on varying sentence structure
and that will help with repetition; for the tense errors, well be going over some tricks and
tips next week (youre not alone with these issues). I know weve reviewed

Bethany Qualls 6/4/2016 15:40

Comment [19]: good insight

Header info and page numbers please!

countable/uncountable nouns and agreement after you made these revisions, so let me
know if there are spots youd like to go over together. Youve got strong bones of a paper
here and seem to understand both your strengths and weaknesses as a writer at this
moment. With a little more polish this piece will be a strong part of your final portfolio.
-BQ