AStepBackInTime

HannaNopar

WhatAmIReading?
Whatyouwillseewrittenonthesenextfewpagesareacollectionof
vignettesaboutsuicide.Eachvignetteisbasedinadifferenttimeperiod
andtheydescribehowsuicidewasthoughtofandhowitwasdealtwithin
thatspecificsociety.Eachvignetteisalsointheperspectiveofdifferent
characters;asibling,andcousin,anoutsideperspective,andeventwins.I
knewthatthetimeperiodsareanimportantpartofthestoryandwithout
accuraterepresentationoftheerathereisnostoryatall.Sopleasesit
backandIhopeyoulearnsomethingnew.

TableofContents
TheHistoryofSuicide|AncientGreece..2
TheHistoryofSuicide|AncientRome..2
TheHistoryofSuicide|FourthCenturyAD,ChristianityandCatholicism.....3
TheHistoryofSuicide|MiddleAges3
Atels|AncientGreece.4
Dedecus|AncientRome...7

|FourthCenturyAD,ChristianityandCatholicism9
Insanus|MiddleAges....11
AuthorsNote..15

TheHistoryofSuicide
AncientGreece:
InAncientGreece,suicidewasnotnecessarilyconsideredwrong,
buttheyhadtohaveareasontotaketheirownlives:i.e.painfulor
incurableillness,intolerablemisfortune,stronggriefduetoafamily
member,andtoavoidtortureandthedisgraceofrape.Doctors
themselvesdidntapproveoftheprincipleofsuicidesotheytreateditas
insanebehaviorinthedevelopmentofthementaldiseases,ofmelancholia
andmania.Mostpeoplethoughtthatwomen,youngpeople,andelderly
peopleweremorelikelytoattemptsuicide.Especiallyfortheelderly,the
despairofthe[ability]inconjunctionwithphysicalillnessandcachexia,
wereimportantfactorsforthesepeopletodecidetheesuicidal.

AncientRome:
InAncientRome,suicidewasonlyforbiddenforslavesforeconomic
reasons,andsoldiersforpatrioticreasons.TheRomanstypically
supportedtheconceptofsuicide,butonlyundercertaincircumstances.
Forexample,ifoneweretopreferdeathtodishonor,orhe/shewantedto
avoidoldage.SimilartotheChineseculture,Romanswerebigonhonor,so
ifyoubroughtdishonortoyourfamilyyouwouldmostlikelyturntokilling
yourself.Theonlypeoplewhowerenotallowedtokillthemselveswere
slavesandsoldiers.Thismakessensebecauseassumedlyslavesdidnt
necessarilyliketheirjoborthefactthattheywereforcedintoit.
Therefore,ifalloftheslaveskilledthemselvestherewouldbenooneto
dotheslavework.Samethingwithsoldiers;ifallofthesoldierskilled
themselvestherewouldbenoonelefttofightwars.

FourthCenturyAD,ChristianityandCatholicism:
CatholicsandChristiansbelievethatsuicideisasin.Butitdidnot
alwaysusedtobelikethat.Infact,thereisnoactualpassageintheBible
statingthatsuicideisasin.Thereare8passagesrecordingsuicideinthe
OldTestament.Thereligionpreachedofanamazingafterlife,oneso
amazingthatitsoundedwaymoreappealingtotheliving.Thismade
suicideverypopularamongChristiansandCatholics,threateningthe
existenceoftheChurch.So,inthefourthcenturyAD,St.Augustine
persuadedtheChurchtoputaprohibitiononsuicide,thussuicide
becomingamortalsin.Thebigpicture:Suicidewasnotasinuntilthe
Christianpopulationbegantodiminish,thustheChurchmadeitlawthatif
youtookyourownlifeyouweregoingtoHellforthesin.

MiddleAges:
Ifyouthinkthatssurprising,waituntilyouhearaboutsuicideinthe
MiddleAges.IntheMiddleAges,suicidewasoftencausedbydespairor
madness.Butifyoudiddieastheresultofselfinflictedinjury,the
consequenceswerebrutal.Thebodywasoftendraggedthroughthe
streetwherethedeceasedhadlived,thenhung.Thedeceasedpersons
estatewasconfiscatedandaChristianburialwasforbidden.Oftentimes
thebodywasburiedatabusycrossroadsmeanttoconfusethespirit
pinneddownbyastakeinthechest,thuspreventingthespiritfrom
hauntingorharassingtheliving.

1
Atels

The sky is so clear today. Bright blue and not a cloud in sight. Little girls are
2
playing outside with their toy horses and little boys are playing
monomchos
with

wooden sticks. Everyones so happy and joyful and full of life. It seems so
inappropriate at a time like this.
Its been two days since Halina killed herself, and I have no idea how Im
going to get past this. I had no clue that she was insane, that she wasnt complete.
The doctors say she had melancholythat she was depressedbut I dont think
thats what this was. She must have wronged Zeus and was going to be tortured,
she probably couldnt handle the shame she brought to her name. Or maybe she
was too heartbroken over her ex-suitor and decided to end the pain. Its a
possibility, she was 14 years old. Or maybe she was raped and couldnt handle the
disgrace. I dont know. It could have been caused by anything. What I do know is
that I lost my only sister to her own actions.
I think back to when I found her, the memories stabbing at my heart as they
flood back. I had just come home from the market, excited to tell Halina about the
new beanstalk seeds I got. Halina loves, I mean,
used
to love plants and gardening.
She had a little section of the farm reserved for her own garden. The family runs a
farm that usually grows wheat and barley, but Halinas garden ranged all over. She
grew grapes, olives, and vegetables, along with barley and wheat. The one thing
she didnt have were beans. So you can imagine my excitement when I traded half
a sack of barley for 15 beanstalk seeds, such a great deal!
When I got home I called for Halina, but I heard no response. This didnt
surprise me, she was probably studying agriculture in our room. She always got so
engrossed in her reading that Lord Zeus could have thrown a lightning bolt right
next to her head and she wouldnt have been fazed. I went to our room and found
no sign of her, strange. I figured she must have been outside in her garden, if she
was there would have been no way she could hear me. I walked back outside and
headed around the house. I could already picture her hunched over on her knees,
her hands covered in dirt, her brow sweaty from the hot sun, a smile on her face
from a good days work, her body full of life.
1
2

T
ranslation: Greek,
Incomplete

T
ranslation: Greek,
Gladiator
4

But when I got there, I saw a completely different side of Halina. I saw her
usually tan skin, grey as a ghost. I saw her beautiful green eyes staring far off into
the distance. I saw her cheeks filled with dried up tears. I saw her usually plump
and color filled lips cracked and colorless. I saw her head limp on her shoulder. I
saw a rope tied around her neck, a neck that had turned red and blue and purple. I
saw her limp body elevated above the ground. I saw my only sister hanging from a
noose by one of her olive trees in her very own garden.
I cried out her name and ran to the shed and grabbed the saw. I ran back to
my lifeless sister and cut her from the tree. Her body slumped into mine and we
both fell to the ground. I held my sister as I cried out her name, shaking her,
hoping desperately that she wasnt completely gone. After several more minutes of
hoping and pleading for her to wake up, the truth finally set in. Halina was no
longer with us.
After that, nothing even mattered any more. A sob of agony ripped from my
throat. I hugged her so tightly she would have suffocated were she still alive. I
couldnt believe my sister, my own flesh and blood, had brought this upon herself.
What made her think this way? Who was responsible for this? It was then in the
midst of my pain that I realized I was the one responsible. Why didnt I see the
signs? She always said to me late at night that if she were ever to die, she hoped it
would be in the place she loved most. Of course the place she loved most was her
garden. She had seemed to be a little more distant for the past week. Why didnt I
ask if she was okay? I could have helped her! But of course, I didnt.
I lifted my head up from Halinas chest and looked up at the olive tree from
which she hung herself. Through my tears I saw something engraved in the tree.
Sap was dripping from the cuts so I knew it was fresh. I looked around the tree
trunk and saw a small knife resting at the foot of the trunk, just out of sight from
when I found Halina. On the knife was fresh tree sap. I realized that Halina left
behind a message. Those engravings were her last words. I circled back around the
trunk to the engravings. With a shaking hand I wiped away the sap so I could read
the message:
ego eimai Syngnmi
It read, I am sorry.
The memory of that day haunts me every single day and night. Sometimes
Ill just go out to the garden and sit in the middle of it. It has so much of her in it;
5

her sweat probably watered half the plants alone. I never sleep anymore; I never
feel the need to. I never eat anymore; I never have the appetite. That day has
ruined all other memories of her. Now when ever I think of her, I will see her
lifeless body in my arms. Ill hear my sobbing voices pleading with her to wake up.
Ill remember how helpless I felt. Ill remember my despair and my desire to join
her in Hades realm; to tie that rope around my own neck so she wont be alone
any longer.
I lost my will to live and to love, and I dont think Ill ever get it back.

3
Dedecus

The Senate calls the Son of Cato to the stand.

I get up shakily, adjusting my toga, and walk over to the witness stand where I
will tell them what I know of my cousin. I still dont know why were debating this.
Hes already dead. Its not going to bring him back. Maybe our family will earn back
some honour we lost. I sit down on the stool and await the first question.
Son of Cato, I turn my head towards the asker, tell us what you know of
your cousin, Demarcus. Its the lawyer the Senate hired to question us about
Demarcus. What was his name again? Oh thats right, Ellery.
I shift in my seat. Demarcus was a cousin of mine. A little older than I am. He
was very honourable, always wanted to do the right thing. He trained his whole life
preparing to become a soldier. It was his lifes dream. It was just a coincidence that
he was the first born son. I pause, taking a shaky breath. When he finally got the
scroll drafting him to the army, he was ecstatic. I look over at Demarcuss parents,
Quincy and Livia. Livia has tears in her eyes and running down her cheeks while
Quincy sits there, stoned face, not moving a muscle. He packed his bags and
headed out at dawn. That was the last I saw of him.
I see, replied Ellery. So Demarcus never showed any signs of melancholy?
Not when I was around, no.
Did Demarcus ever write to you?
Every once in awhile I would receive a letter from him. It basically said how
he was highly ranked out of all the new recruits. Talked about how well he was
doing and all of the new things he was experiencing.
Did Demarcus ever mention the people he met while he was there?
Yes, he mentioned someone by the name of Renatus, descendant of Vulcan.
Said that they would have these friendly competitions with each other. They would
each push each other to become better soldiers, stronger men he would write. I
thought it was good he was making friends. Back home he was either training,
working, or spending time with family, he didnt have time to socialize. I wondered
where Ellery was going with this.
I see, so while he was home, Demarcus showed no signs of melancholy. But
when he goes off to war, he kills himself.
3

Translation: Latin,

Dishonour
7

May I ask where you are going with this?

Yes, said a Senate member, where are you going with this?
If I may think out loud, says Ellery, before leaving home, Demarcus didnt
have that many friends, he only spent time with family and his coworkers. Then
when he moves away, he meets new people and experiences new things, new
customs. A couple weeks later, Demarcus falls on his own sword; he kills himself.
I shift uncomfortably in my seat. So?
You say he became very close with this Renatus fellow, correct?
Correct.
Do you think its possible that Demarcus didnt make this decision on his own?
What do you mean? I was sweating now.
Do you think Renatus pressured him into committing suicide?
I look down at the hands in my lap. He had trapped me. He set me up. I
should have seen it coming. Thanks to me, I brought dishonour to Renatuss family. I
feel ashamed, but not for dishonouring someone elses family. But for being a part of
a family thats so screwed up. Because of Demarcus, people will look at me, whisper,
make assumptions, and I resented him for that. From now on I will be associated
with a disease that has nothing with me; its not like its genetic. Im just so tired and
want this all to be over with. But its not my fault, or my familys fault, or even
Demarcuss fault. Im going to end this, one way or another.
Son of Cato, Ellery says. Are you going to answer my question? Do you
think Renatus is to blame for Demarcuss death?
I look up and look at Ellery straight in the eyes.
I guess you can say that.


4
His Holiness Pope Gabriel walks into the church, the Bible in the
crook of his arm and a Hematite Rosary beaded Cross wrapped around his
hand. His black robes sweep across the floor as he walks down the aisle
towards his visitor.
Your Excellency Augustine, says The Holy Father Gabriel. What
brings you to this Holy Sanctuary? How may I be of service?
Most Holy Father Gabriel, responds his Grace Augustine, I have
news that may come as a shock to you.
Let us go to my office so we can discuss without fear of
interruption.
His Holiness Pope Gabriel leads his Excellency Augustine to a door at
the back of the Church. They walk down a corridor towards a door at the
end. The Holy Father Gabriel opens the door and his Excellency Augustine
walks into a clean and orderly room. Paintings from the Last Supper, the
Creation of Adam, and the Birth of Christ cover the walls. A Cross takes
up half of the wall His Excellency sees when he first enters the room. In
front of it sits a desk with two chairs for guests. To the right are four
chairs adorned in purple felt and embedded with diamonds and rubies
surrounding a central wooden table. To the left is another Cross hanging on
a wall and below it a basin of Holy Water. His Holiness Pope Gabriel
gestures to his Excellency to take a seat in the felted chairs across from
him. His Holy Father Gabriel sits and rests the Holy Bible on the table in
front of him. He sits back in his chair.
So, starts his Holy Father Gabriel, what news do you bring me,
your Excellency?
His Excellency Augustine shifts in his seat. Most Holy Father, our
followers are diminishing.
I am afraid I do not know what you mean, replies His Holiness Pope
Gabriel.

Translation: Biblical Hebrew,

Sinner
9

The common people live very simple lives, this is why we follow
God, so that we can hope for something better.
You mean Heaven.
Yes, exactly. We preach of an afterlife where God meets us at the
gates and everyone is happy and at peace.
Your point, your Excellency?
Well, Heaven is starting to sound more appealing to the living.
People are killing themselves and my guess is so they dont have to deal
with their mortal lives.
His Holiness Pope Gabriel is shocked. He had noticed that there was
a decrease in attendance at the Church, but he never would have thought it
was because the common people were committing suicide.
What do you suggest we do? Asks His Holiness Pope Gabriel.
The only option I see working is if we make suicide a mortal Sin.
His Holiness Pope Gabriel shakes his head. How do you suggest I
convince the public? There is no text in the Bible saying of such things, so
how would I go about this?
Say that God spoke to you in your dreams, or something like that; I
do not know. What I do know is that Christianity is on the brink of
extinction, and we need to stop this madness before it is too late.
I do not know if I want to deceive the people. This is not the way
God would have wanted it.
But your Most Holy Father, we have no choice. His Excellency
Augustines eyes were pleading now. Unless you can think of something
else, this is the only solution.
His Holiness Pope Gabriel turns his head to the left, gazing upon the
Crucifixion that hangs above the Holy Water.
Please Most Holy Father. His Excellency Augustine is begging now.
His Holiness Pope Gabriel closes his eyes, his head still turned to the
side. He mumbles, God help us all.

10

5
Insanus

Ashton
Its a day like any other. Winter is in full swing with snow packed on the
ground, and smoke billowing from chimneys to keep families warm inside
their homes. Its early in the morningthat special time where the sky is the
same color as the snow, so when you look off into the distance, you cant tell
when the earth stops and the heavens start. This is my favorite time of day;
when a better place and a worse place come together and everyone seems
equal. When Heaven and Hell unite as one and there is no separation. This is
the time I most feel alive; the time I feel like everyone else, and I am normal.
But it only lasts a momentand after that moment is gone, I feel hollow again,
like it never even existed.
Im staring out the window of our two bedroom cottage, contemplating
life and death when I am interrupted by my stirring twin brother.
Ashton? he mumbles, rubbing his eyes as he sits up on his bed. What
are you doing? Its not even dawn, the chickens havent cooed yet.
I peel my eyes from the window to look at him. He is so similar to me,
yet so different at the same time. His dark brown hair is misshapen from
sleep, like mine. His golden skin is paled from resting, like mine. His bright
hazel eyes are dialated from having just opened them, unlike mine, which are
constricted from having just been looking out the window. The only thing
that differentiates us is our height, which is not saying much; he is only an
inch taller. Although we are twins, we are known as different things. He has
always been more outgoing and friendly to others then I was. Even though
we never leave each others side, I know that people prefer him to me. I see
the looks people give me when Im with him; theyre very subtle, almost like it
didnt even happen. But it does, and every time I get more and more sure of
what awaits my future.

Translation: Latin,

Insane
11

Ashton? he asks again. I was staring at him, lost in thought. I blink

and bring my eyes away from his face.
Sorry, Kelton, I say to him. I was daydreaming. I was just looking out
the window. I love this time of day, er, night. Everything is so peaceful. Dont
you think?
Yes, he says, the concern in his eyes lessening. It is beautiful. But
we should not be up at this time. Mother and Father will be disappointed. But
then again, it is almost ortus.6 We might as well get up now.
I smilehe always over analyzes things before making a decision.
Sometimes I wonder why people prefer him to me, hes kind of a nerd. But in
a way, Im glad he does this. It balances him out and keeps him more human.
It lessens the diversity between us so I dont seem that much different than
him. He is my twin after all.
But it doesnt help much. Not only do friends prefer him, but my
parents do as well. Everything thing we do together, Kelton gets the praise.
When we were five, Kelton and I were fishing in our pond. We were up to our
knees in water with a net stretched between us. We were both perfectly still
when a fish came out of hiding. Kelton and I lunged and the fish almost got
away, but I made a desperate grab and ended up catching the fish. When
Mother and Father came outside, they praised Kelton for it, not me.
Then when were were seven, Kelton and I were harvesting crops.
When we were bringing in the corn, Kelton was helping me carry them to the
cart where we stored the crops. Father scolded me for not harvesting as
many crops as Kelton had, when he was just helping me with my load.
And then when we were eleven, a horse had gotten loose from the
stables. Kelton and I were running after it when I saw that it was turning
towards the pond; taking the long way. As Kelton continued to chase the
horse, I took a short cut, thinking I could corner the horse. When I got to the
pond, I was ready to meet the horse. When it came into view I jumped in
front of it and successfully stopped it in its tracks. I had the horse calmed
6

Translation: Latin,

sunrise
12

and content when Kelton came into view huffing and puffing. I let him ride
the horse back to the stables so he could catch his breath and not over exert
himself. My parents had thought that he was the one who had tamed the
horse. Kelton tried to object and give me credit but they were too busy
lecturing me on how Kelton is always pulls his weight and how Im a lazy
ungrateful kid. I knew right then and there what my fate was.
The coo of the chickens stir me from my thoughts. I get up from the
windowsill and walk to the chest at the foot of my bed. I get dressed and pick
up a note that I had written in advance. I put it on Keltons bed and join him
in our makeshift kitchen. We make breakfast and get ready for work on our
farm.
Kelton and I head out to the barn to feed the animals. We fall into our
regular routine: Kelton starts cleaning the pens while I refill the food banks.
After that I milk the cows and Kelton brushes the horses. After we are done
with the animals, Kelton and I start shoveling snow. This takes up the rest of
the day, because all crops are dead during winter.
Im clearing a path from the barn to the frozen pound when I come to
big oak tree that sits next to the water. I set my shovel down against the tree
and pick up the rope I had placed a day earlier. I climb the tree to a strong,
sturdy branch. I tie the rope around the branch as the memories of my
parents play through my mind. All the memories of their disapproving looks
and hurtful words race in my mind. I tie the other end of the rope around my
neck, and sit toward the edge of the branch. Everything hurts and I need a
way out. I lean my body weight forward and fall towards the ground, but I
never make it. Everything now feels peaceful like how it felt this morning. A
single tear falls down my cheek as I slip into unconsciousness, unsure of
what awaits me on the other side, but ready for what is yet to come.
And then there is nothing.

13

Kelton
Its a day like any other. The sun reflects off of the snow that has piled
on the ground from last nights snow fall. But everything is not like it used to
be, and it never will. Not after what Ashton did.
I remember that day like it was yesterdaybut it wasntit was two
weeks ago. I remember seeing him off in the distance, just a dark blob in the
midst of white powder. We were shoveling snow, I was by the house and he
was by the frozen pond. He was standing unusually still, too still for comfort.
I called out to him. No response. I called out again. Still no response. I walked
over to him, my shovel still in my hand. A stone formed in my stomach as I
got closer;
something wasnt right about this
, I remember thinking. I started
to pick up the pace because he still wasnt moving. I called out again, fear
creeping into my voice. No response. I started to sprint when I noticed that
his feet werent even touching the ground. I screamed his name, tears
running down my cheeks with every leap. I lost my shovel at some point, but
that was the last thing on my mind. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground,
holding my dead brother. I dont even remember how he got on the ground,
or how I got on the ground. I just remember shaking his limp body, prying at
any life that might have been left.
I stumble out of my daze and look around, trying to remember where I
am. I am standing in the street, with what is left of my family. The town has
blocked off the busiest crossroads for the final stage of Ashtons
departure
.I
recall the previous stages. I recall Ashtons listless body as they dragged him
up and down our street; yelling slurs and taunts as he passed. I recall his
lifeless body as it was hung in front of our home; people throwing rocks and
their hurtful words at his body. I recall being kicked out of our home,
everything being taken from us. I recall every pastor in town forbidding a
Christian Burial for Ashton. I recall every malicious term that was thrown at
our family; thrown at me because
I look just like him.
But its time for the final stage. The townspeople have finally finished
digging their pit. They grab my brother maliciously and beckon my father
forward. Since he is the man of the house, it is his job to drive the wooden
14

stake through his heart. After all, we cant have Ashtons spirit haunting us
all. My father does it without even looking remorseful. As he turns his back
on my brother, two towns men throw Ashton into the pit. This is the end of
Ashton, but it will never be the end of my sorrow.

AuthorsNote
Thiswasmyindependentprojectthatisapartofamuchbigger
project.Forourbiggerproject,ourclasschoseatopicthatwefeelneeds
tobeaddressedandworktowardscreatingthatsocialchangeinour
communities.ThetopicourclassisaddressingisTeenMentalHealth.Iam
theHistoricalDataofficerandindoingallofmyresearch,itwasonlybeing
usedforourActionPlan.IdidntwantmyresearchtogotowastesoI
decidedtocreatefictionalvignettestorepresentallofthishistory.Ifeel
thathistoryplaysabigpartintohowsocietythinksandviewssuicide
today.IcertainlydidntknowthatsuicidewasnotasinuntilFourthCentury
AD.Ibelievethatinordertounderstandandchangesomethinginthe
present,wehavetounderstandhowitcametobefromthepast.

15