Moore |1

Text from my initial

WP submission:
(a phrase, sentence,
paragraph, idea,
move, punctuation,
piece of evidence,
etc.)
The album review
genre is widely in its
subject matter but is
connected through
their similar
conventions, tone, and
style.

An observation or
question I received
from De Piero or a
classmate:

The change(s) I
made to what I
initially wrote: (ie,
the change[s] I made
to column 1)

How this change

impacts my paper:

I know your genre

(album reviews) and
your topic (about J
Cole's album), which
is great. However, I
need more of a
specific, driving
thesis statement,
Chad.

The album review

genre is varied in its
subject matter, but
connected through the
emphasis of voice
specifically toneand
similar organizational
patternssuch as the
use of images at
beginningthat
combine to create a
defense of opinion for
readers

This change provides

my paper a stronger
direction. By having
the thesis be more
specific than it
previously was, a
reader can better
understand what will
be argued. The
detailed thesis also
makes my points
easier to connect to
the thesis.

One way these

arguments take shape
is the writers voice
or original writing
style.

Organizing my paper
by idea instead of
source made my
argument unfold
better. By going from
idea to idea instead of
source to source, I

What, exactly, are you

going to be arguing
here? What are you
trying to convince me
of? What ABOUT
conventions, tone, and
style? What about the
conventions within
this genre will you be
emphasizing? Also:
do you think itd help
your reader
(technically, me) to
lay out which specific
sources youll be
using to make your
case
The Speeding Bullet Chad, Im wondering
to Heaven album
if your paper would
review by Adam Yivel benefit from reis
structuring the
organization. Instead
of
-Source #1

Moore |2
-Source #2
-Source #3

was able to expand

more upon an idea
without making a
paragraph too long.
This makes the
reading a smoother
read.

Could your
paper/argument
unfold a more
integrated/interwoven
way if you did
something like:

I believe that the

differences exist
because of preexisting site formats
and the varying
writing voices of
writers

With little promotion,

J Cole released his
long awaited
sophomore album

-Idea #1 (and then

incorporate sources 1,
2, 3)
-Idea #2 (and then
incorporate sources 1,
2, 3)
-Idea #3 (and then
incorporate sources 1,
2, 3)?
Voice is huge! Is this
an underlying theme
in your whole paper?
Seems to me like it
could be -- if you
think it is, you might
wanna consider
"promoting" this idea
into your thesis
statement, and then
touching upon the
different aspects that,
together, comprise
voice. (You did a lot
of that already.
Apologetic voices.
Pop cultural shoutouts...)
This phrase is tripping
me up a bit, Chad -- I
had to read it a few
times to understand it,

The album review

genre is varied in its
subject matter, but
connected through the
emphasis of voice

This makes my
argument stronger by
making it more
specific. This change
opens up the
discussion to a
recurring theme in my
paper. By adding
voice to the thesis
statement I am able to
refer back to it in my
argument through the
paper.

With little promotion,

J Cole released his
long awaited
sophomore album

Changing the intro

makes the paper more
readable. The
previous intro was

Moore |3
Forest Hills Drive
2014. The project
quickly charted,
nominated for a
Grammy, and earned
platinum status
shortly after. The
albums release was
noteworthy for its
lack of features and
quiet announcement
with Cole
announcing the album
with no singles
available prior to sale.
This release was
dissimilar to other
album releases, but
still garnered the same
question as every
album before it. Is it
any good? To answer
this question album
reviewers present
their argument on the
value of the album.
The album review
genre is widely in its
subject matter but is
connected through
their similar
conventions, tone, and
style.

which is generally
something you want
to avoid as a writer.
The issue might be the
two "with's."

Forest Hills Drive

2014. The project
charted quickly,
earned a Grammy, and
added platinum status
to its list of accolades
shortly after. The
albums release was
noteworthy for its
lack of featuresan
uncommon decision
as featured artists can
help split the load
of an albumand
quiet release, with
Cole announcing the
album through
offering pre-orders.
This release was
dissimilar to the
conventional
approach to album
releases, but still
garnered the same
question. Is it any
good? To answer this
question album
reviewers present
their argument on the
value of the album.
The album review
genre is varied in its
subject matter, but
connected through the
emphasis of voice
specifically toneand
similar organizational
patternssuch as the
use of images at
beginningthat

clunky and did not

read as smoothly as I
originally hoped. The
revision hooks a
reader better than the
last and transitions
into the thesis
smoothly.

Moore |4
combine to create a
defense of opinion for
readers.
The scoring system
Again, I'm wondering Album scores are
can vary with some why this is "scoring
always present in a
systems being out of
info" paragraph is
review. Although the
5, out of 10, or use a
coming at the end of
scale differswith
unique word such as
your paper. Do you
each publication using
spins one is always
think it'd help to know their own preferred
present. The scoring
this earlier on?
scoring be it out of 5,
system is an important And/also, do you
10, or letter grade
and universal aspect
think this would be a
one is always present.
in album reviews.
good place to
The scoring system
Regardless of what
compare the scores of exists to provide a
the range is, it is the
each review? Could
quick reference to the
final say of the album. that be a good place to reader to ascertain the
The scoring system
THEN dive into
worth of an album,
provides a quick
aspects about the
with a high value
reference for the
reviews -- how/why
corresponding to a
reader to ascertain the each review was a
high score for the
worth of an album,
good score or a bad
album. The album
with a high value
one (ie, the D+)?
scores vary due to the
corresponding to a
differing opinions of
high score for the
the writers. Since the
album.
genre is so
individualistic, the
scores can vary
widely even when the
same album is
covered. This is
evidenced by the
difference between
Pitchfork and HNHH
scores for the same
album. Pitchfork gave
the album a 6.9 while
HNHH gave the
album an 85% (can be
considered an 8.5 for
comparisons sake).
This varied score is

This change was made

to further explore the
meaning of album
scores to album
reviews. This change
provides an
exploration of why
scores differ, noting
the individualism in
album reviews.

Moore |5

Quotations are an
integral part of any
album review and this
rule is especially true
in rap album reviews.
The quotes are used
for the reviewer to
make a claim about a
part of the album
(probably about an
impressively creative
or abhorrent line). For
example, Kivel uses
quotes from Kid Cudi
albums in his review.
The use of quotes
allows readers to have
an excerpt from the
album to judge the
quality of the lyrics in
the album (something
important to many
hip-hop fans).
I believe that the
differences exist
because of preexisting site formats
and the varying
writing voices of
writers. The album
score placement is
arbitrary and only
placed where they are
because someone
decided to put them
there. The styles shift

Quotes about what?

And such as?

Evidence, evidence...

evidence of the
convention, although
universal, still has
individual expression.
This paragraph was
removed completely

I believe that the

differences exist
because of preexisting site formats
and the focus on
individual expression
in the genre. The site
formats affect where
the album scores
appear, font, layout,
etc. These specific site
conventions are
unique to each source

When I was working

on the revision I
found that this did not
require its own
paragraph. For the
new thesis I wrote, the
discussion of
quotation was not
needed and took away
from the other
analyses. This
removal allowed me
to expand more on
other ideas while
staying within the
page limit.

Throughout the
original draft, I was
noted for a lack of
evidence. For the
portfolio draft I aimed
to change that, citing
from the sources and
course readings more
frequently than
before. I even
switched the textual
sources to reviews of
the same album to

Moore |6
because different
people have differing
opinions and writing
methods. Some
writers prefer to write
more casually, others
more formal, these
differences are to be
expected in a genre
based on defending
ones opinion. I
believe the heavy use
of adjectives and
descriptive language
exists because the
nature of the genre is
describing sound.
Since they are
describing something
to a reader who has
possibly not heard the
album, the language
must be detailed
leading to descriptive
phrases such as
spaced-out blur of
astral horns
(Breihan).

and create a difference

between each review.
The album score
placement is arbitrary
and only placed where
they are because
someone decided to
put them there. The
styles shift because
different people have
differing opinions and
writing methods.
Bazerman noted that
voice has its
source in an
independent self
(Bazerman 657). This
independent self is
integral to the genre
and is the primary
cause of the stylistic
differences. Some
writers prefer to write
more casually, others
more formal, these
differences are to be
expected in a genre
based on defending
ones opinion. I
believe the heavy use
of adjectives and
descriptive language
exists because the
nature of the genre is
describing sound.
Since they are
describing something
to a reader who has
possibly not heard the
album, the language

make comparing and

contrasting clearer.
These changes make
the papers argument
stronger; the evidence
serves as a necessary
support to what is
being argued.

Moore |7

When covering the

same topic, each
source focuses on
building ethos and
aiding readers in
understanding
information with
academic sources
using uniform
organization
conventions, while
pop sources focus on
creating a simple read.

Chad, I thought you

did a solid job of
laying out the scope
of your paper in your
Intro. However, this
thesis statement
doesn't give me much
direction.

The articles to be
examined are from the
Journal of Applied
Psychology, a study
by Karakowsky and
Siegel (K&S) on
leadership emergence
in mixed gender work
groups, the Academy
of Management
Journal, a field study
by Jennifer A.
Chatman and Charles
A. O'Reilly (C&O) on
asymmetric reactions
by men and women in
relation to gender
demography in work

This is definitely
"small potatoes' but I
think you might
wanna maintain
consistency here in
terms of first and/or
last names. Pick one
and stick with it.
I don't see a need to
know their first
names, do you?

must be detailed
leading to descriptive
phrases such as
coyly referential
samples through
milky instrumental
embellishments
(Jenkins).
When covering the
same topic, academic
sources tend to use
similar conventions
and rhetorical choices,
while non-academic
sources sway towards
a comparative
uniqueness.

The new thesis

provides a stronger
focus for my paper.
The last thesis was too
vague, how can you
argue against the use
of similar
conventions? To stand
up to the arguability
test I shifted into one
that brought up what
will be argued,
effectively laying
down the scope of the
paper.
The articles to be
This change makes
examined are from the the paper more
Journal of Applied
readable. By having a
Psychology, a study
consistent naming
by Karakowsky and
structure layed out
Siegel (K&S) on
early on in the paper,
leadership emergence a reader is better able
in mixed gender work to understand the
groups, the Academy information presented
of Management
to them later.
Journal, a field study
by Chatman and.
O'Reilly (C&O) on
asymmetric reactions
by men and women in
relation to gender
demography in work
groups, and an article

Moore |8
groups, and an article
from the Fiscal Times
by Maureen Mackey
that covers men and
women working
together.

The articles to be
examined are from the
Journal of Applied
Psychology, a study
by Karakowsky and
Siegel (K&S) on
leadership emergence
in mixed gender work
groups, the Academy
of Management
Journal, a field study
by Jennifer A.
Chatman and Charles
A. O'Reilly (C&O) on
asymmetric reactions
by men and women in
relation to gender
demography in work
groups, and an article
from the Fiscal Times
by Maureen Mackey
that covers men and
women working
together. Each piece
save Maureen
Mackeysis an
empirical study
published in an
academic journal and
as such share striking
similarities. The
journal sources follow
similar conventions,

When I see this

even before I start
readingI think,
Ahhhhhhh! Attack
of the page-long
paragraph!

from the Fiscal Times

by Mackey that
covers men and
women working
together. Each source
focuses on a different
aspect of mixed
gender work groups
The stringency of the
academic sources
conventions begins
with organization,
with each using the
IMRAD
organization method
IMRAD meaning
intro, methods,
results, and
discussions. The use
of IMRAD
encourages uniformity
in the genre. With a
uniform organization
readers will better be
able to find the
relevant section of
any article. These
sections make it easier
for the reader to find
what they are looking
for in an article that
could become quite
lengthy.
To further aid the
reader in finding
information, academic
sources separate ideas
into clear sections
through the use of
headers. Headers keep
a reader on track so
they can always know
what is coming up

The paragraph was

broken into three
smaller paragraphs to
make it easier to
follow. The page long
paragraph made it
difficult for a reader
to follow the entire
essay, losing
themselves in the
block of words. By
having another
paragraph, each idea
can have its own
section where its the
focus.

Moore |9
opening with abstracts
that provide a brief
overview of the text.
Footnotes are also
present and serve to
elaborate on points
made, list a citation,
or provide thanks to
contributors. Data is
visualized through the
use of tables and
graphs, with K&S
(Psychology) using
tables to organize
their statistical
findings. New ideas
are separated into
headers, with the
headers always being
in a separate font such
as bold and/or italics.
Conventional
similarities continue
with the organization
of both scholarly
sources following a
similar pattern, each
using the IMRAD
organization method-IMRAD meaning
intro, methods,
results, and
discussion.
Conventions are
similar with no
discernable
differences due to the
genre of scholarly
journals tending to be
limited in variation.

ahead. Headers like

Men's and women's
expressions of the
likelihood of leaving
their work groups.
(C&O) inform a
reader about what will
be discussed. The
stringency of
academic sources
organization is done
in order to ensure
efficient reading of
the piece. Even under
a section of IMRAD
the sections can
become quite lengthy,
possibly losing a
reader. This focus on
a uniform
organization in
academic sources is
done with the readers
comprehension in
mind.

M o o r e | 10
Headers are in
different fonts, with
the Management
Journal using bold
italics instead of just
italics, but are
uniform in use. These
conventions exist with
the reader in mind.
Through opening with
an abstract a reader
can enter the text and
know what will be
covered, as the titles
can be quite vague.
The footnotes offer an
aside for the writer to
add personal notes
that can further
explain what is being
said or provide a
citation that could
break the flow of the
writing. The headers
work as another way
to clue reader in to
what will be discussed
while the graphs serve
to visualize evidence
provided. These
conventions combine
to create an efficient
organizational pattern
that makes
understanding the text
simpler for the reader.
Diction varies
between each piece
with the academic
sources focusing on
the use of high

OK, they've got

jargon. So what?
What does this tell us?
Why is it worth
knowing?

Ethos is built through

more than just
citations with the
word choice, or
diction, playing a key

This revision makes is

a stronger focus on
the analyzation of
jargon and its effect
on the reader. The use

M o o r e | 11
language and jargon
whilst the pop source
leaning towards
accessible language.
In the Academy of
Management article,
for example, six
syllable words such as
demographically
and organizational
are present throughout
the piece. Jargon is
used, according to
Boyd in Murder!
(Rhetorically
speaking), to exclude
those outside of the
field and create an
insiders club (89).
This insiders club is
deserving of
credibility and
explains the scholarly
focus on its use. This
jargon is expressed
through references to
theories that must be
known before reading.
Again from the
Academy of
Management, C&O
speak heavily on the
Similarity-attraction
theory citing it as a
possible influence for
gender in work
groups. A definition
for this theory is never
provided, leaving the
reader to learn the

role in building the

credibility of authors
in both disciplines.
Diction varies
between each piece
with the academic
sources focusing on
the use jargon whilst
the pop source leaning
towards accessible
language. Jargon is
used, according to
Boyd in Murder!
(Rhetorically
Speaking), to exclude
those outside of the
field and create an
insiders club (Boyd
89). This insiders
club is deserving of
credibility and
explains the scholarly
focus on its use. An
example of this
insider club
knowledge is C&Os
skimming of topics
while using jargon.
C&O speak heavily
on the Similarityattraction theory
citing it as a possible
influence for gender
interaction in the
workplace. A
definition for the
theory is never
provided, reflecting
the writers
forethought of their

of jargon is an
important device in
academic sources and
needed a paragraph
analyzing how and
why its used. This
change provides a
stronger focus on
diction that connects
back to the thesis.

M o o r e | 12
term on their own or
already have prior
knowledge. This use
of long, complex
words is combined
with technical jargon
to build credibility. By
using high language
and jargon they
appear more
knowledgeable and let
a reader know what
field the text is from.
The jargon is also
used with their
audience in mind,
peers of their field
who possess offhand
knowledge.
Comparatively,
Mackey writes for the
layman and as such
uses approachable
language devoid of
jargon. Unlike the
academic sources,
Mackey avoids
excessively long
words or vague terms.
She instead uses
common words such
as different, with
the most complex
word appearing to be
dubious. Diction
affects how a reader
interprets the piece
with the authors of
each respective source
deciding to use

audience. Since their

audience is other
managers, they are
able to use specific
terms to communicate
their knowledge
effectively. Jargon
allows them to build
ethos and
communicate clearly.

M o o r e | 13
language reflective of
their audience.
Science is based upon
the evidence
presented and as such
academic papers focus
on it. Ethos is also
present in Fiscal
Times, with Mackey
quoting leaders in the
field and past studies
for most of her
statements. Her rigor
with ethos is
comparatively lacking
as the scientists cite
for nearly every
statement while
Mackeys opening
statement of millions
quitting due to
difficulties of working
with the opposite sex
is not defended
These conventions
exist with the reader
in mind. Through
opening with an
abstract a reader can
enter the text and
know what will be
covered, as the titles
can be quite vague.
The footnotes offer an
aside for the writer to
add personal notes
that can further
explain what is being
said or provide a
citation that could
break the flow of the

Two thoughts:
1, Show me. What
are the quotes?
2, What are they
saying? What's their
significance?

Theres a lot going on

here. How do all
these ideas fit
together? Why bring
all of them into the
discussion? If I'm
(your
reader/"audience")
having trouble
understanding why, it
might be useful for
you to explain
how/why you're using
them in more explicit
detail.

Mackey makes many

claims in her article,
defending them
through citing outside
sources in lieu of
providing her own
data. This reliance on
quotes is due to the
low authority that
Mackey has as an
outsider to the field.
Mackey makes
statements such as
Strong leadership is
required to deal with
these conflicts, a
statement made as a
solution to issues
between men and
women working
together (Mackey).

My original paragraph
did not provide
evidence to defend the
claims I made. By
adding a quote from
Mackeys article, my
statement now has
some weight. The
change also reads
better than the last,
removing words that
were too fluffy.

These sections make

it easier for the reader
to find what they are
looking for in an
article that could
become quite lengthy.
The stringency of
academic sources
organization is done
in order to ensure
efficient reading of
the piece
By organizing her
paper in this way the
article becomes
simpler to read

My WP2 did not do a

solid enough job of
answering so what,
who cares. This
excerpt only shows
part of the changes
made, with the entire
revision stressing how
ideas connect. By
pushing how ideas fit
together and being
explicit about the
why, the argument
becomes clearer. A
reader is less likely to
miss the point if it is
openly presented.

M o o r e | 14
writing. The
headers
The forms of rhetoric
are another similarity
between the scholarly
sources. The scholarly
sources focused on
using ethos and
diction to form their
argument. Ethos is the
credibility of the
authors statements,
something key to a
researcher as if the
reader does not feel
they can trust them
they will not read it.
Due to this, heavy
consideration to
building ethos is
shown with both
writers showing
frequent citations and
quoting of outside
sources, with C&O
(management) making
their first of many
citations early on in
their work (195).
Science is based upon
the evidence
presented and as such
academic papers focus
on it. Ethos is also
present in Fiscal
Times, with Mackey
quoting leaders in the
field and past studies
for most of her
statements. Her rigor
with ethos is

What, specifically, are

their sources doing for
them? How does their
*use* of sources
contribute to the
piece?

Ethos is the preferred

rhetorical device in
academia. Ethos is the
credibility of the
authors statements
(something key to a
researcher) as if the
reader does not feel
they can trust them
they will not read it.
Due to this, heavy
consideration to
building ethos is
shown with both
writers showing
frequent citations and
quoting of outside
sources, with C&O
(management) making
their first of many
citations early on in
their work (195).
These outsides
sources are cited to
uphold the
observations made by
the authors. By
quoting an outside
source, a reader can
be given context from
the field and be
provided more
evidence for their
observations. Science
is based upon the
evidence presented
and as such academic
papers focus on it.
The focus on ethos is
not exclusive to the
journal sources.
Mackey makes many
claims in her article,

Ethos was brought up

in my original WP2,
but its analysis was
lacking. The effect of
ethos on the reader
was not given enough
attention. This rewrite
gives proper attention
to ethos and its effect
on the reader, all
while tying back to
the thesis.

M o o r e | 15
comparatively lacking
as the scientists cite
for nearly every
statement while
Mackeys opening
statement of millions
quitting due to
difficulties of working
with the opposite sex
is not defended.
Another separation in
ethos is where the
data that every source
cites comes from. The
journals provide
original data that is
later detailed in their
data and methods
section while Mackey
only cites--providing
no data she found
herself. This
separation in the
approach to ethos is
due to audience
expectations; casual
readers do not expect
the author to perform
a peer reviewed field
study for their
information, only that
the information is
clear and
understandable. Ethos
is built by each source
through the use of
citations with the
difference being how
the data was acquired.

defending them
through citing outside
sources in lieu of
providing her own
data. This reliance on
quotes is due to the
low authority that
Mackey has as an
outsider to the field.
Mackey makes
statements such as
Strong leadership is
required to deal with
these conflicts, a
statement made as a
solution to issues
between men and
women working
together (Mackey).
Mackey as a journalist
does not hold the
authority to make
these claims, so she
quotes people who do.
They are significant
because they stop her
statements from being
unsubstantiated
claims, instead
making them
defended statements..