There were sixteen relatives in four bedrooms. Christmas’5 11 in all was a pretty exciting Christ- mas, what with the relatives and the presents and the fun and the copa and Aunt Hazel’ dog blowing up in oar living room, Mom ‘and my Aunt Martha wanted to have one of those fun old-fashioned Christmases that people on TV hav. ‘where everybody wears tis and sweaters and sits by the freplace and makes Christmas-tree ornaments out of food, But as Dal said, the only reason those people hase fun i they're petting pad for it Tas just about positive T wns getting skis and boots andl poles for Christmas. 1 was the only thing I asked for, and when a kid asks for only one thing, it awfully hard for parents not to buy it, beau of hove Alisappointed the kid would be Unless the bought hin, ADB gun ora horse instead, anal the only way Td get & [BB gun was over my mom's dead boy and we did't have enough room in the garage fora horse. But it too Fuad we didn't havea horse inthe garage, lense Then Grandpa Pete and Grandpa Swenson would never have gotten into their big fight about wo got to keep his ear inside My sisters and 1 spent most of the afternoon of the Alay before Christmas Bie sitting in the front window Watching the road for oar grandparents. At about four eloek we heard what sounded like a drag race. And sure enough, it was a drag race, and it was between Grandpa Pete and Grandpa Swenson. 1 was prety cool to wateh that Rambler Ambassador and that St Acbaker Regal whip around the eorner and into the driveway so fast that the grandmas were sereaming ‘and holding on to the dashboards “God darn you, Pete!” Grandpa Swenson yell at Grandpa Peve."Yon drive likes maniae!” “Met” Grandpa Pete yelled back, as the two of them satin their ears parked in front of the eloed garage oor, “Judas Priest!” Mom said, running out the front Aor. “They leave from two different houses in two dif ferent cities, three hundred miles away, racing Hike iots—itisa miracle they got herein one pie Anyway, Mom told the to grandpa to pick whieh side of the garage they’ thought the empty’ space as ‘on, and they both pieked the same side, So Mom made by JOHN HUGHES: ‘hom lip a coin and Grandpa Pete lot “wu ott of three! he demanded. But Grandpa Swenson wasn't about to risk his parking space, exper cially with al the rain we were getting We'd liad about five inehes of snow the week befor, ‘bat the rain hal washed it all away. Tnstend of looking Tike a Christnas card, with snowy tree and icles, or house looked Tike a gular house, on: wore, bea ‘of how terrible the Furleys' dog's stuf lke defrost ingall over the lan. 1t nal taken Tot of work to kee rexel off oar snot and Leven had to threaten my” Title sister, Amy: to keep her from serewing up the snow by making angels. Oh, well. It was just mud and brown grass now, Also, the manger scene in the front yard looked pretty stupid siting in the rain, ep ‘ally when it was thundering and lightning. ‘Grandpa Pete and Grandma Alice made a big fase bout having to carry their packages into the house in the rain, Grandia Allee complained about how the raindrops were staining the wrapping paper, and Grandpa Pete said, “It typieal, Mama What did you exyectt All Grandma and Grandpa Swenson had to do was carry their packages right into the kitehen from the rage, and they had help, too. His name was Xeung ‘Wo, and he was this guy who went to college at Michi gaan State who spent a lot of time at my grandparents? Thouse heeause he wax from ‘Thailand and was very lonely: Grandin Swenson invita his to come along 10 our fan old-fashioned family Christmas s0 that he ‘wouldn't have to st all by himself in his dormitory on 2 holiday’ and feel sad about World War TE and how terrible it was to his family. Mom said she was de lighted to have bim, and she shook his hand and talks inher phony, "How do you da” voice. Tl srwop in your basement.” Xun. Wo sad, bow: ing to Mor ‘Don't be ily Johnny's room.” "That was bad news for me. Not only was he all grown up, but he had huge beaver teeth, glasses Tike my Grandpa's and he buttoned his shirt all the way up to the tup, He als had his sweater on backward and he wore red socks with sandals, Mom said. “You can sleep in RAFIONACTARIRSGHI5——Your grandma has tond me you are an hase-a-bore pitehex” Xeunge Wo said to me pray for Detroit Rions one day!” ‘Then he laughlin this hysterical, high-pitebed, Wuaaly Woetpecker voiee and nodded his head andl die played his tiant teeth “Hub? Huh? Huh?” he said, rubbing: my head, Tadidn't get mush time 10 worry about Xeune. Wo sping in my’ roo because my cousins arrived just after my grandparents, There was my Unele Dave and Aunt Martha and my eousins, Darby. Kate, and Dale. ‘The only one I realy liked was Aunt Martha. Unele Dave was ery all the time, and his dea of joke was to yank your underpants up your eraek and when you trie! to get them out ask yon if you were going tothe shows, because you were picking your seat, My cousins would whine all the Gime and wouldn't eat anything unless they’ ashe @ million questions about achat it ‘was, what asin if, how Hf as prepared, andl what it tas Like “Ion't this just the greatest?” Aunt Martha said, we her arms around Mom snd Grandma Swen: he whole family together for Christmas” rare Mama anal me sleeping?” Grandpa Pete Interrupted. *Not in any darn bunk beds!” ‘Mom quieted down everybody and explained the sleeping arrangements. My sisters started to ery Deeauwe they wanted to be in their own room for Christmas, “Lat the girls sheep in their rooms” Aunt Martha sd. “Dayeand 1 sleep in the family room” “Phe hell we will!” Unele Dave sail as he reached for the back of ‘Just hefore Dad got home, Mom and Aunt Martha ‘went into the kitchen and drewa diagram ofthe house and rearranged everyone, and it wus just about the seep Dale and I were in the Family room an Wo wax in the basement, Mom seemed very happy to yet that all taken care of before Dad got Thome, beeunse he was in a bad mood when he had to park on the street, He algo had gotten some bad news rom work ‘The company really found that old Christmas spirit this sean” hess to Mons in the ktehen, “You ol your bonus” Veal” he said, renehing rette lighter with my name on it” “Iviespelled wrung” Mom notice, ad took of his coat and hat and tossed them on hair He openca the liquor cabinet and started taking ‘out bottles. Xun Wo must have heard the eink of the lass because he stuck his hend around the eorner and ‘sid, "Vola martini, two ores, prease!™ fter a dinner of ham, whieh made every body thirst, we all went into the living room. Mom and Aunt Martha brought in ise bones of cranberries and popeorn and neve and thread, “Weve going to make fun old-fashioned ( ‘Maybe ‘tree trimmings!” Mom announced. Nobody seemed to care very much, Grandpa Pete and Grandpa Swenson ‘were mad at each other again, beause Grandpa Swen- son accused Grandpa Pete of skipping dessert just s0 hhecould get dibs on the hig wing chair Mom and Aunt Martha really put on the pressure for us to havea good time making the deeorations. Bat it was hard getting-a necdle through # cranberry. and it was hard not to eat the popeorn, even thou it dit have salt or butteron it. “Can you pt on some Christm ‘Mom asked Dad He looked at her ike she was ‘Letssing ourselves!” Aunt Martha suggested, Great!” Mom said, elapping her hands ‘Phen she ra Aunt Martha broke into “Deck the Halls “Deck the halls with boughs of holly!” they sang “Come on!...Deck the halls... Bverslaaly! Sing! Deck ‘the hatte with ‘ut nobly exeept Xpuye Wo joined in “Put on a recond, Clark Mom said in a voice that was half ange: half sad Dad grumbled something and turned on Amy's Ne ‘Mom had brought dovenstains. He wears and put on “Single Bells he Singinge Dogs anal turned it wp real lon “Everybody bark alon shouted, He and Unele Dave started barking, Then the kids joined in, It was fun, but Aunt Martha and Mom just sat there and Tookad mad Then they quietly took the bowls of pop- ‘corm and cranberries into the kitchen and made cole. ter the song was over, Dad and Uncle Dave went into the family room. They stopped off in the kitehen toapolagize to Mom ancl Aunt Martha and to tell them how mueh fun they hal making old-fashioned decors tions, Then Dad mixed dink, “Gung Hot” he called to aeinkin'™ The pre-Christmas activities concluded with every bw erammed into the family room watehing Christ- mas la Perry Commo. H.é the onlys.o.b.ssho has fun at Christma ssid, referring wo Me Com, Fuad ll that night. Ay cousins ane my k= ters and I waited until everybady went to bed, then we went downstairs and looked at our Christmas presents. Dale was kind of a clad about presents, just rattling them and trying to guess the contents, “Nor [told him, “You earefuly take the tape off and Tool inside. Then you put the tape ack” 1 demonstrated on a package that was on the top shelf ofthe downstairs hall elt “Holy coe!" said Ita BB gun” Twas gettingea BB yun! Dale vanted to take it out right away and yo outside and shoot a bird ora ear but | told him it was one thing to peekat your presents and continue on page 46 smunie, Clark” ung Wo, “What're you :'Dadfara look in his ees, put on his ha, and went ino the garage You want ate? You'll havea age ee!” he yelled rom the ag: “Morn tied co cover upall thea suing by gathering everybody into the {ive room to make achain out of construction paper Itwas kind of fn texcept for al the plue on the carpet, Uncle Dave was il laughing about Dad falling on his but, and he kepe showings exaetly how Dad fell and landed. He seared lasghing twice es hard when he saw Dad out the socom the door and flung open, Get inside ere ight ne?” You want ae? Yul get a darn Dad was chopping down one of the pine tres in the front yar. Mewn ran ‘upstatserying and Aunt Martha went vupsith hr “What an irresponsible gotball” Grandpa Swenson sai, shaking hi bead "Wel if your damn daughter hade’t hounded him so bad all these years he wouldn't he ou there now!™ randpa Pete sai, delertng Dad Dad brousht the toe into the go rage ad attached the stand. He was in ‘much better mood. He alway ie sft He does something really pi had to take that ree down ay he tod me. "May aswell ave five Bucks, huh” "se got lt of pine ces, Dad "What do you think the pioneers and old-timers did? Go toa church CChristmas-rce lo! Heck, no, They ‘wed one of thee own tec” ‘Aca while Morn came down: sie, end the tee was to prety and Dad'talk about pioneers end old- timers fis well with the ka of fan ‘kifachioned Christina that Moms fan him kiss and said she wae sorry, anda the cheer and stuff come back tnd lasted uel the bid few out of thet “I dd'e pik a toe with a bird in ie" Dad shouted at Mom ashe chased the bind around the living rocen with paper bas, "Ate you te" Uele Dave sid "You'll never catch bid ina bag. You need a broom! ‘Dont kill, Daddy! Darby shrcked. "I's somebody's state bind” "Eli Cover your hai!” Audrey screamed. "Tell ay ea" “That's a bat” {ld hes "Tm wot taking chances!” ontinued on page 72 “Jeremiah and me wuz surveying together for 2 months. He never said aword.That’s what Icall good company” Pappy McCoy, Railroad Surveyor, Chicago & Ouray Railroad Jeremiah had quiet spells Really quiet. Usually, he had been havinga fight with a lady. Or with himself Then, he’ be flamboyant. Show off. He was much better when he was quiet. == Jeremiah Weed isn’tjust a lag Ita tribute toa 100 oot meratii dei 100 Proof Jeremiah Weed Jeremiah Weed® Oourton Lest € 580 Helen ne. Harte, CrmHnISTIAS 59 “Open the windows Dad yelled as the bid swooped back apd forth ose the living room. "We Freceingcold ours!” Gran Swenson sd “Wel go upstate!” “Don'tbe a soc!” [Uncle Dave came running into the lieing room with a boon ann 2 mate of seconds pur three big broom smorks onthe walle Mon grabted the ‘heaom sway from ie just had these walle painted! Darn you "He was ust erying to help!" Aunt Martha si "Wels help he did't” "We're sry! If Clark had been socheap, you woukin't have a bird in your livingroom!" Dad hear that, and he turned eo ‘Aunt Marca and gave ber dirty Took that was diter than the marks on the wall, And Aunt Martha gave him one ck “There he goes!” Grandpa Swenson, yelled asthe bird flew out the living oom window “Here he comes” yelled Grandpa Powe ‘Tio bi had flown big loop from the font ofthe house aria tothe fuck and in through the opposite windows and wa Back inthe house gin, swooping up and back. Here he comes” Dad yelled to Grandpa Swenson, The bird ‘whooshed across the living room. Grandpa Stenson slammed the wit dove shut jst x phe seread het the byt goc all the way ou Ching By the time the problem was ll ‘ver andthe bid Ha bee Micke ot Inthe yard twas jt about me for Dad an Uncle Dave voto pik op ‘Aunt Hazel Aunt Hae bythe wa ‘wns oblr chan even my grandparents, tnd nobody ws wally sue how she got co he an aunt of outs, but she'd been around for so many Chriemases that edie mae any diffrence any more. She was very neta jus sont ‘of sa there her eat aa watched ‘everything. She always lrousht over present that nokeny lke think shejust wrapped up st she had ‘ound the house. When Tas seven she gave me a bb. a rattle and a box of harsherchits "Anyone for oyster ste?" Mom called fom the kitchen, Everyexly made faces exeepe Grandes ard Tarps Swenson They bth skh "Traber eat die Grandpa Pee said over the top of his newspaper "You don't know good eatin Grandpa Swenson sai "The Swedes do?” Grandma Alis asked “Hell, yes, we do!" Grandpa Sven son said." You Norwerians don't [know your mouth from y Dad” Mom si rp cr hands loner apron. "I wonder where Clark could be? les heen over an hou “He's probably having a drink iemeviere? Grandma Swanton said theo her nose ‘Mom area her, Don't kok ate ike that! He's had a smoot everynight we've been pe nt imagine what happened ro thems Anne Martha sid, Biting thetip of her thumb "Tm geting worried” ‘Grandpa Swenson to her that she nh tostart worrying about the tute ey the oven He saudi looked Like Few abour ro blow is stig into the next county. Aune Martha is real sel person anda eal cool aunt, bat shesa terible cook: Nobody could Figure out what she di vo the eurkey romake explode, bu it dd No one was hurt or anything like thats just thar the turkey kine of came apart dknethe male anda lot of the dressing ended up onthe wireows of theoven, "Oh, for heaen’s sake” Aunt Martha sail as she scraped dressing ‘toa plate. "What did Td ony" “ell be fine” Mom said to make ‘Aun Marcha fel beter, even though Tsou ell she wanted to cry. Shed ‘bought parsley and everything to make the dinner look like a page ut of Baer Homes and Gardens. But instead, as my cousin Dale sat looked ikea dinner that got cortured bythe Apaches. ‘Mean aul Grandma Swenson had jus nse sewing up the turkey with string whe Dad and Uncle Dave aad Ant Hane arrived “Oh That was fun!” Aunt Hast said "ove riding car!™ "Where on earth have you been? ve chewed my nals to the quick wor- tying? Mom said in the ice/ angry ‘voice that she uses around company. “isall my fault, dear” Aunt Hazel confessed." moved across the tect in September, January and i ompletcy slipped my nial tll you shen you called ‘Dad made the cuckoo sign behind Aut Hazel: head and aout, ‘Nutty’ and Mom gave im a dirty look, ‘Wher’ Dave?” Mom asked jus as Uncle Dave came inthe front door with an armload of presents Shei” he mumbled as be strug under the weight of the Shull "Oh, Aunt Hazel, you shoukle't hans coainne on page 80CHRISTMAS ’59 theSanta Claus on the font andthe | We laughed so hard we had to hold minnie 72 —_| eindeer on the back. Xgungeame up | our things to keep from wetting our "What did Ido, dewe?™ Aunt Fazal | from the basement and erathed into | Christmas Eve pat. asked. Aunt Hazel was wht you'd | Aune Hazel He apelogaed about ren | Aftrdinner, he women cleared the alla cue old woman. Even someone | times and told Aune Hazel that she | table and di che dithes while the men Sssyourgas I wascalled her cute-No | had skin ike ory, She told him that | abe the kids went ingo the living, fone ever minded when she gave out” | his sweater was on backward and wary: | room. The two grandpa flipped coin iss twas jusvashamethat she | dered into the dining oom. Xgung | tose who gor the wing chal, ‘waert lite more on th ball. picked upone of Aunt Hasels ea | Grandpa Swenson won, and he sai ie "The presents. You shouldn’e have | tinge that gor knocked offher ear | was justice in ation, because Grandpa broghe present Mew said ‘when he ershed into her He stared | Pete cheated his way through if, i tout itin hie pocket, but when he | Xgung mixed seve after-dinner swavinghereiny white hand, se that Twas watching him he drinks. Audrey said she overheat ‘very day that someone moves intoa | laughed and putton the couner, | him ell Grandma Alice that he was few house Dinner was just as tribe taswal-_] only having a Coke al thatthe boos “Hah low as twas to Took at. Aunt Marcha | drinks were for Dad andl Uncle Dave, "This new house sjustlovely. e's | fad gree the sting recipe out ofa_| estar wo bother me tae such 2 so much biter than che eld house” | magazine and shad bacon and rad- | sneaky uy, who Histo pranpurents Dad leaned over and whispered in| ishes in cand i was wwf. Everybody | and who wasn’t even related to me, Mom's ca, "She thought Dave and |_| prescaded to enjoy i, though, because | would witness my personal Chesenas were trick-oreaters ether chey wanted ro be polite or they | glee when we opened presents. Hoy. wha about this uf?" Unele | sere xo excited about Sants Cats ‘Mm and Ane Martha's insta: Dave sakd."Where should Idump i | coming that chey didn'ccae. Bu kt | ons were that we were supposed to “In the livingroom, Dave!” Mom | wasahard dinner tocat,especally | ger che ree ready for rimming and said after Dad found the waxed paper bag. | when they were all done in the kitchen "Win one of che bees sad fallof gus and gizerds thaw Aunt | they would pur on records and turn Aunt Hazel wandered intothe | Martha forgot rotake aut of the | off the lights and we woul all rim the Leichen complimenting Mam on whar | rurkey. twee. Then the kids would go upstairs aswell new kitchen our regular ok “Well hon? Unele Dave sai "At_| and wat for Santa Claus icin was. Uncle Dave set down the least you had the good sense co take | "Where che heck ae ail he lghts?" packages. thebird out ofthe shopping hag be- | Dad aid counting strane of "Either ies moor the Scotch, but | fore you cooked ie” "There's only thre, There were ‘one of thee damn boxes barked” “The dol lowe i? Mom sid si Woof tbe package sa agin. | ingat Aunt Hazel He looked! at me and I shrugued my "Jesus. Smith!" Dad said shaking |” "Did you gta dog?” she ssi, shoulders, aboxaboutthe six ofahatbox.He | About che only incerestinathing |" "Don’t ask me? Usa, finned iropen and a dachshund that happened at dinner wae that "Don't get smart!” jumped outandran around incircles, | Grandpa Pete got some pepper uphis | _ We looked all ove, but we couldnt pp ae yappion nose aa sneezed, aad when he fina cher, We alo cou fala bax "She weapped up her damn dog” | sneezed he ble «huge fr. of tinsel and the cookie snowmen thet Dad sad urader his brent, “Hall, Mary! he sd witha big | Aune Martha mace fr the tree. “L wonder what else she wiapped | smile Grandma Alice poked him and | " "Well hell's bells!" Dad said a he sp! Ts excitedly Gransmna ard Granapa Swenson took | sarted putegup dhe dee strands of Mom went upseirsand changed | ther plats tothe kitchen. Everybody. | lights, Uncle Dave sat ina che and sna hr big hue Ch irwexcept Dalearal me.” | rokd Dad that he was puting any light atthe top "Would you like to do?" Dad sid iy. "You're doing fie, exc putting too many lights on top and ‘you won't have enough when you get tothe boxcar” ‘After Dad ended p with too many lights at che bottom, he sad «swear ‘word and Uncle Dave gave it ry. He fot almost as mad ae Dad when Grandpa Pee to him he was puttin too many lights in che middle. Uncle Dave was in the Marine Corps and be him thatthe lights weren't working “Ae you ready” Mom sad asthe women fled into the livingroom tinue on ue 87i you had enough lights, we'd be ready” Uncle Dave sid on his fourth ‘orfifth attempe ot maki the three Ssrauscover the whole tee. "We have four stands Mom said sa she beyan directing people ice a trafic cop. “Aunt Have, you si here onthe coud "That was delicious ham, Elen?” ‘Aunt Hazel said sitting on one ofthe cane chai by the door, it under the eee so that can ass our its" Mom ai, "That i, if Santa Claus comes? Grandpa Pee joked. "Thea onthe acho that Santa fell out of his sleigh ‘over the ocean andthe Coast Guard ie Tooking for him right now, bu the Dac” Mom sid as Amy ane Darby burst int reas. telling you there aren enough f.lishes fr this eee!” “Just put up what you have, Dave” ‘Aunt Martha snarled. "Led yt the show on the roal!™ Grandpa Swenson Said, ligheng a cia "You and your stinkeroos!P-U!" Grandma Alice grumbled "ls so darn dak in here, Lean't ‘make outa thing” Grandpa Pete sid, “e's supposed to he dark, "Well, we have light balbs now; lees ue them” He teaches ove ana pale the chain on the table lamp edit go fo. He ele around on the float for the Plog "es not plugged in "You can't decorate a tee with only the stan of lights” “Ie doesn't have to be pret!” "Then whac the hells the point of Aig i” "Finger bers, inger bere, ing att the way” Keung began eo sing "Join fn chidsen!”| "Everybody was talking and singing ac once was lke how China muse be during a major eatastropbe. Then Grand Pete found a cord an plugged iin. There was a crackling Sour the lights in the whole house immed, ad from under the couch came a temendous yelpand aloud "Hoty Jesus! You blew a fut! Soke started to seep ont rom under the couch, and it smelled hor- rib. Everyboay got up ofthe couch, Tews dark and there was smoke and ‘smells aad the gels were shrieking. "Whats cooking?” Aunt Hazel ake. "Get flashlight, Clark™ Ofcourse, we couldn’ find the ‘ashlighe, and when we dd, the ba teres were dead, so Dad had 0 90 sven inthe lsement and open ip presents toot buteies Out Of toys "This is why gee 30 mad when you fool around wth the Mashlight™ he yelled at me. ""Why dc’ you jst pac ina new dumbbdumb? Unele Dave sai, "Because they're all blown, smart ae "Welliputone'n, Don’t tell me you doriekecpextrafses?™ Dad told Uncle Dave that he had an extra fse, he woul puis the fase box, hed pur up Uncle Dave's f ur, Joie), HE'S YOUR, Son He's REAUY eRYING OUT tear end, Uncle Dave sid it was 00d thinwhe coulda’ se Dad inthe fark or else he'd pound hie, They ‘went back and forth unl Morse minded them about the smelly smoke ‘user the couch, Dad and Uncle Dave lifted up the while Mom held the fazhlight. jad! No” Aunt Marcha yelp. Then everybody started screaming and theirs ried even louder, Dale and T yelled, Grandia Alice fainted on the ouch, and Darby heaved her Jell-O, til, olives and dessers, igi the dustballs onthe carpet where the couch used toe was what twsed tobe Aunt Hazel’ dachshund, He was ying stretched outwith the missing strand of lights gona in his. ‘mouth ae coming out his "There's the damn ight Dave said calmly, “Out! Out! Everybody out said between gag "What terrible Chestnas diss! Grandia Alice muttered ‘Dad and Uncle Dave put on oven nits and picked up the dog. He was [ind of meted tothe carpet and there was a realy disgusting sound when they had 0 pel im of Like if you pura microphone co abi knee sea "How would you ike two-hundred- amp sevice shooting out your burg hole? Theand Uncle Dave whisper to Dad. "I could areange i ‘Alte Dad ara Uncle Dave go bac feors burying the dachshund inthe stage can and Mom anc Aune Mar- the ad swept up the balls of dog hair and pices of gins ad the tinsel the sdogate and had opened the windows toletout the smell all che kids went ‘upsets co wait for Santa Claus ‘We were al ving in ou beds listen ing tothe parents an grandparents bring the presents fom che garage ana basement. fe was ike other ats, when Dad would whistle and there woul! be lots of pleas chatter Tewas quiet and serious. Ie as sort of ike listening co guys a the grocery store stock the shelves, Bur sil al ould think about were my skis ‘Then the ol sleigh bells that Grandpa Swenson broughe fom home cvery year jngled and we all leaped out of our beds and raced to the mies. We were halfway down the stats when Grandpa Swenson shined the flashlight on us and said, "Hale Preeures™ ‘Wehad to get in oer, with the shortest a the bottom and tallest at the top. Then my cousins had ro get eoninuedon page 89 NATIONALTAMPOONSCHRISTMAS 59 ‘out of the picture. Then we had to twat for Dad tet out the movie mer, ant he was 0 crabby that he ‘woul Tet anyone ell hin be Couldn't run the movie lights because theelecrieiy was out, sole go ial sceup realized there wasn’t elec fd got mad and threw the camera in the closet and went in the ving room snd sat down. Then Aunt Hal fell ‘hon the basement stairs, “Troll you nor to lee her wander around inthe dark!" Mom yelled at Aunt Martha Leon see he! ‘What do you mean, you cou sehr Tecan con't se he!™ Shall we let her He dow in the Insement while you damb broads Vicker! Dac said "When are we going to open our presents?” Audrey whined Yeah? Darby aed Ane Hazel didn'die or anything, although Grandpa Swenson pointed fou that falling dowe sats is ust about x dangrron for edeey fk a8 Its a Game. It's The Record Game. Play the Hit. eeaay Even if you dort have ay tala you canbe aig stot inthe musi nausty. You could be "Emertainer ofthe bear attacks and damp weather Dad ‘earor you could bom out in levolana. Make amiion of and Uncle Dave had pt the euch in ice'a mon ta aepenat on Row you play The Record the basement bocause tad the ex ane pextng-dog odors all over hewn You prosuerecores,promtecanceris spend magabues weedcan AcecHocllaridon'c You can shoot up he charts or end inthe ides tn i ‘depends on how you play The Record Gam Won you play the board game ofthe music Businass, you call the shots, take the ist, and make te profits takes hl instead ofthe eement face Mm ex- plained ater talking to Aunt Hasel thac what hal happened was Aut ning. an ick, tie al ne el wor Hise had opened the dor thinking fectlren if enttaning Ws wchalenge The Record wes the uthvoom. She yo rey to st Gama tone worn raving partons he Bosra Game dws on the toilet and of cour Sine Sita te Recor Games Mt thore wasn ollet os on and she Prox up yur plainum coy at our tarot recor oof {el beckovard, She thought she landed _i in te counon below. aber heatand hen hit the couch, vas to dark Bu any she a she Ter fine excep for no nga to inves Call fire depaent* Mon = aeftECono . 2 {$250 Same toll Dal. “And make your brother in oun oPestege Nantes @ $22.00 o, lew shar up™ ara aneloseg. "anting) © $9200 ea Une Dave hough that Aunt ase thking se win siting on che tole was the funniest thing he vee fee "Tm ory bt, ob, hoa! he Inge, unt Gradina Semon smacked him onthe Llc with theslene her "We better not move ex! Dad sid to Mom after heeled the fre dear trent "The ambulance wl be here at fom ae team, Ther ot of emer. facies tonite” Conte on age 92 aneCHRISTMAS °59 | sek peng Agr alow Aunts ete Mi ee doi bot ee presents! Dad said. "The hid ae gs After dein that would be t00 noch rouble to move Chris down tothe basement and too dif ifs Aun Hast nthe aemen wi we hurled up aed opened our pre seat, Mors ct el be lenin her aloe down there, but Aut Hazel fail dd be lay. ial mponie tahoe ark, you wanted tse what you {you had towat forthe Rashi. ‘What id ge that els wooly?” Dad ashe sweat tea warf? Mom answered ea! hin ta oll” Amy shouted Heres presen for Xgung Wes? Moe sad ashing the ht ona sal reckage."Xung Wor "He's probbly nthe bathroom! ‘rey mapped: Keep ging” "Audrey wae nervous because the total eatimated retail price of he gifts was far behind that ofthe other kid" and she fearel that she ight ome shore "What the hells this?” Uncle Dave said “Shine the light over her, Ellen W'sa shorty bathrobe? Aunt Mar tha sid "Tucss so, This would hardly cover help of ey. “Dave!” Here's another present for Xguni” Mor flashed the lit aroura the room, There was no Xgunt. Granda Swenson stor up and fee hee way £0 the foyer. probably downstairs in hs room, feeling homesick she said You he earful, Mother? Mon called Dad gota rack eo hang his ties on anda pai of sacks fom me. Grandpa Pete gor fruitcake from the Swen sons anda shoe frm Aunt Hazel “Then Mom handed the BB-gun bos to Dale. Ireached up and interceped “Thanks? Tsai to Mom Thi sf Dale? she said. "No, is noe” ecertainly i. e's for Dale from Dad? Dale went crazy when he gor the BB fun: Herp open the Boe a Bs "A gun! gota gun! A rel gun! Connect! Tel lke somebowy'd hit a golf ball ‘off my head. What a shock! Thanks. abel of alot! Uncle Dove sald to Dad *Ljust hope Dale enjoys the BB gun smh ohn no the boa Grandma Swenson bangs her way inte the living room. "Ellen? she said, "Ellen? Xun Wot anywhere He has to be somewhere, Mother Mor answered. His coat i gone" Granclma Swen- son sid, "Well, to heck with him! Grandia ‘Alice grumbled, "If he can’t even soy ood: bye "Mom eased under her breath and totup. She and Grandma Swenson ‘went int the foyer total Thea anda Swern tll Mom that not only was Keung’ coat pone buts seas her parse She had checked continued on age 94 20 SECONDS OF ALLSOP 3 COULD HAVE KEPT THESE TAPES ALIVE. How many times have you seen your favorite tape eaten up. mangled beyond repair? And you probably cursed the tape and your cassette player No more. Now you can attack the primary cause of tape damage with a revolutionary new kind of non- abrasive audio cassette deck cleaner called ALLSOP 3. ALLSOP 3 thoroughly removes oxides and other residue from your ‘cassette deck’s head, capstan and inch roller the parts responsible for top sound quality and smooth tape flow. When pollutants coat these parts, poor performance and tape damage result ‘Simply moisten the ALLSOP 3 cleaning cassette with special formula ALLSOP 3 cleaning solution. Insert into your deck as you would a regular tape-Press the “play’ bution and two separate non- abrasive elt pads go to work, one cleaning the capstan and pinch rolles the other the head with 2 patented cleaning action. 20 to 40 seconds is all it takes to keep your cassette components clean ..20 to 40 seconds that could ‘mean lf or death to yout tapes. ookron nis xussop 3 pewoxsrnaroNCHRISTMAS '59 Svernee ‘wound and dicovered that Mom's parse and Aunt Martha's purse were tlko gone. She wasn't sure but she thought maybe our good forks and lenvos and the diieg-room caale- sucks were gone, t00. "Thave an announcement to make? Mom said angrily. "It seems as though Xqung Wo has taken advantage of our hospitality and has robbed us ‘Aunt Marcha screamed. Uncle Dave and Dad jumped up and seared swearing, Grandpa Pete slapped his Knee aa yelled, "tok yal tod yal” Grandma Alice tated sputtering And Grandpa Swenson went ove € ‘comfort Grandia Swenson. "We've good people, Mama? Grandpa Swenson Said s Grandma, whimpered sfdy. "We try our best” ‘As tturned out, Xgung didn’t get very far Asa mater of fact, he hardly ot out of the driveway I guess over in ‘he Orient guys don’t lok over the shoulders when they back up, because ung crashed rght into the abu lance that was coming to pick up ‘Aunt Hazel Inside the house we'd heard the siren grow louder and louder and then ban! ‘Weall ran outside and sa the am bbulance upon the Laven apd Grandpa Pete's car sting sideways in the set. ‘Xgung climbed out ofthe ear and ‘arced running away with the chree purses over his arm and the old suit- {se From the basement. Bur he must Ihave been stunned of something, be- cause he ran lke a football player forgout ore pss sizanngdown "Give me the ua Uncle Dave yelled to Dae, Dale ran over with his ew BS “Davel” Aunt Martha shouted, "You can put an eye out wih that thing" “Righty-l" Uncle Dave chuckled ashe pumped and fred. He hit Xgune In che neck, and Xgung dropped the suitcase andthe purses and started jumping up and down, hollering in Oriental. Uncle Dave took off across he lawn and eackled him and put him int headlock, "Chop, chop!" Uncle Dave said as beled Xuny back co the house. ‘The ambulance drivers weren't hurt too muth, except for some bloody ‘odes and fingers "Would you like some hot coffee?” Mor asked them a they administered treatment tothemeelver "Not right now, malar’ one of them said. "Bur you might wan call the police” ‘While Dad elle the poliee, Uncle Dave took Xgung into the livingroom and held the BB gus agin his lef ore. one move a muscle!” he told Xun. “Tm nota ciminal!” Xgung said “Tm underplivileged™ Granda Swenson dt ike che way Unele Dave was treating Xeung and she tld im ro pe che gun down. Gracy ect eto mi er nasines. "why don’t you sick it in your check: book ad write me outs check fora "You're not going o tak to my wife that way! Grandpa Swenson sai, “Then he slapped Grandpa Pete on the top of his bald head. Grandpa Pete reached back and socked Grandpa ‘Swenson in the eur. ‘Meanvile; Mom and Dad were fighting out on the front lawn about why Mom wanted to have afar ld fashioned Christmas in the fir place. Darby ar Audrey were arguing about something, and Darby chased Audeey ‘ut the font door and hit her in the back with the board to her new Ce sgime, and Audrey turned around ard ‘ented Darby's Braces with her elbow. ‘Aun Havel had a hallcination or something and started wandering sound the basement. She split open her shins on the hot-water heater ata «oded up thinking she was talking 20 ‘Arthur Godfrey on Audrey's old toy phone, Aunt Martha tort of snapped the wae siting on the font porch tg singon her wedding ring and mur bling about how nothing in lie ever works out As fr che sis Iwas hop: ing get they were out in the see. Xgunghad stolen them, too, and when hecrached up theca, they fll out ‘When the cops showed up they parked on top ofthe. Iejusdida'e The. litle. pegp/e who Mate aif this powible. xem ike Christmas could got any sworve Iwas a0 terrible sround our house tha the injured ambulance guy said they ay in thet ca in Sead of going inside ‘Mam was ust about to stare eating pert the manger scene inthe Front ‘ard when she noticed something in the sky "Look!" she yelled. "Everybody! Look" ‘She pointed to dt of light inthe north sky. Do you sce 2" Weall gathered around her. Uncle Dave led Xgurg outside. Grandma and Grandpa Swenson and Grandpa Pete and Grandma Allee, the cops and ‘Aunt Haze, Darby. Dale, Kate, ‘Audrey, Amaral made a eiele round Mom. She pointed up tothe shy, "De you sce it?" she asked, brush {ng he aie feora her eyes. Sofas began to fall. "Do you see that sar Nineteen hundred ity-nine years go, three wise men saw a stat ike "The Star of Bethlehem! Aunt Marcha said ‘Weal studied the sa. "Lets set aside our biter feelings? ‘Mog sid. "This is Christmas. The trials and tdbulacons of our daly life, the chaos ofthis gathering, the auto theft and the burned turkey, the petty Fights and pointless hostilities mean so lee on this might. We ae family sd we ae together on this mos im ‘portant night ofthe whole year. Les Ieeour love shine through the hatred sothat in the light ofthat distant sar tne may embrace the true epkitof Christmas” “Mom bowed her head and ben 0 soit: es, Lord, egret thee, "Bor hs haphy maming, "eau 0 Thea lory gi, "Wad ofthe Father, “Now in lsh appearing, "O come lt us adore Hin, "O comele us adore Him, "\eniteadoremus Dominur, "Christ the Lord” ‘Weal joined together, puting our arm around each othe: Uncle Dave ‘put his am around Xgung, Grandpa Pate put his around Grandpa Swen son, Dad huge Mom, kissed ‘Auaiey, We stood staring at the point flight, the snowfakes melting on fur checks and miing with ou tars, “You know somethin, lady” one of the policemen sad. "That aa ‘That's analrplane”