ACTONE1

LIGHTSHOWOVERTURE Music(Pianoandortape)isheard.Itisanorchestrationofthesoundsandsongs oftheperiod(18601900).ImagesoftheAmericaofthateraappearontheMEDIA SCREEN.Theyrangefromthegreatphotographsandpaintingsoftheepochtothe famousfacesnewspaperheadlinesandslogans.Thehousesofthe"wealthy families"decoratedinalltheirglory(furnituredisheswallpaperartworks) willbeshown.TheviewerswillseevisionaftervisionofMrs.Astor'sparlorthe StuyvesantFiskgrandhallwayCommodoreVanderbilt'scoachhousetheJ.P. MorgandiningroomtheJayGouldresidenceandmanyofthearchitectural splendorsoftheAmericanGoldenage.Theaudienceshouldbeinundatedbythe ironworkspearlmarblehorseflesh;theexcessesofconspicuousconsumptionby themakersandinheritorsofthegreatfortunes. (Silence.Darkness.OnMediascreenAnArmyhospital1865.)) ThevisitingAmericanChautauquaisscheduledtoentertainthewoundedCivil Warveterans.Lightsup.Thestageisopenbare.Slowly,afewWORKERS wanderin.Theybegintosetupatraditionalcircuscarnival.Abannermakesits appearanceannouncingTHEHORATIOALGERSHOW.Signsbearingthetitlesof Alger'sbooksareposted.BOUNDTOWIN,UPTHELADDER,ABOY'S FORTUNE.LUCKANDPLUCK, AN.RISENFROMTHERANKS.ACanvasdrapedcageisrolledon.Thecageis uncoveredandthesignsidentifythosewithin.TheANIMALSarerevealed. BULLSBEARSVANDERBILTSMORGANSDREWGOULD ROCKAFELLER.Theyshakethebarsandrattlethecages.TheysingMONEY) (MUSICANDLYRICMORGANADDEDLYRICLIEBERMAN) ANIMALCHORUS WHENWEWEALTHYFINANCIERSKNEELDOWNTOPRAY TOOURGOLDGODWEWORSHIPNIGHTANDDAY ITISONLYTOEXAMINETHEGOLDTHEREISINMAMMON TOSELECTTHEBIGGESTLUMPTOTAKEAWAY WHENWEMONEYKINGSPRETENDITWOULDBERASH TOADMITTHATALLWEWORSHIPISGOLDCASH WHENTHERAGEOFTHEGOLDFEVERHASSIEZEDUS WEWONTLEAVEHER WHILEWEPRAYFOROURBANKSTOPLEASENOTCRASH ITISMONEY,MONEY,MONEYALLTHETIME WEAREAFTERALLTHEGOLDATMAMMONSSHRINE INTHETRUSTANDINTHETRADE INTHEMARRIAGEWITHTHEMAID ITISMONY,MONEY,MONEYALLTHETIME WHENWEMONEYBARONSTRAVELONTHISEARTH WEGOINOURPRIVATECARSANDPRIVATEBERTHS

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WEMUSTHAVETHEBESTHOTELS,WHEREWEHOBNOBWITHTHE SWELLS WHILEOURWORKERSSTAYATHOMEANDWORK,ANDWORK THEREAREMANYWHOHAVETRIEDINVAINTOTAME THEBULLSANDTHEBEARSINTHEWALLSTREETGAME THEMARKETGOESDOWNANDDOWNANDDOWN ANDTHEYWEARASADFROWN BUTYOUALLKNOWTHATWEARENOTTOBLAME ITISMONEY,MONEY,MONEYALLTHETIME WEAREAFTERALLTHEGOLDATMAMMONSSHRINE ANIMALCHORUS(cont) INTHETRUSTANDINTHETRADE INTHEMARRIAGEWITHTHEMAID ITISMONY,MONEY,MONEYALLTHETIME (AYoungVeteran,HECTORenters,goestoVanderbiltcage) HECTOR Mr.VanderbiltI'dliketobefilthyrichlikeyou.How'dyoumakeyourfortune? (Voiceinsidecagecallsout0 GOULD(ACTOR) Hey,Joe,aguyoutherewantstoknowhowyoumadeyourmoney. (Vanderbiltsoundsanoteonpitchpipe. (MEDIASCREENWILLSHOWALLLYRICS) ALL(JOHNSWINTONSPAPER1873) Dimesanddollars,dollarsanddimes Anemptypocketstheworstofcrimes VANDERBILT(ACTOR) Ifamanisdown,givehimathrust Tramplethebeggarinthedust DREW(ACTOR) Presumptuouspoverty'squiteappalling Knockhimdownandkickhimwhilefalling MORGAN(ACTOR Ifamanisdowndon'tlifthimhigher Hissoulsforsaleandwe'rethebuyer ROCKEFELLER(ACTOR) Stealbynightandstealbyday Butdoitallinalegalway ALL Dimesanddollars,dollarsanddimes Anemptypocketstheworstofcrimes

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(AllrattletheircagesVanderbiltmotionstoHectorto comeclosertohiscage.Hectorhesitates) VANDERBILT(ACTOR) Comehere,Iwontbiteyou. (Hectorapproachescage). Wantthesecret,doyou?

v Rulenumberone:Yougottoloveyourneighbor'sgoodslikeyoudoyourself. (Laughsuproariously) Andtwoneverletprincipleinterferewithinterest. (Casuallyopenscageandwalksout.Wearinglargeanimalhead andashoulderplacardwithVANDERBILTwrittenonit) HECTOR Hey,yourenotsupposedtoleaveyourcage. VANDERBILT(ACTOR) Youlooklikeasnitch.Goingtotelltheboss?

HECTOR Maybe. VANDERBILT(ACTOR)

Listenkid,whatdoesthissay?

HECTOR Vanderbilt. VANDERBILT(ACTOR) DamnrightandIcandoanythingIdamnplease.Getthat? HECTOR (Goestocage) Theresnolock.Thiscageisfake. VANDERBILT(ACTOR) Youreasmartone,huh.Thinkwerefakestoo? (Takeshismaskoff,Hectorhesitates.) Weaintmillionaires,wereactors..Knowwhatanactoris? (HectorNods). Algercantgettherealthingsoheshiredus.Hehasthiscrazyideathat thattherealANIMALScanbecontrolledbyREFORMERSlikehimso dontgotellinganyoneoryoullmakeMr.Algermad.. (LoudSoundsoffstage.ANURSEnamedAMY,bringsinseveral

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CivilWarVETERANS.OneofthemSETHapproachesHector) SETH Hector,Mr.Algerlikedwhatwedidandwantstohireyouandme. HECTOR Thatsgreat,Wellbelike.. (Stopsnotwantingtorevealsecret) Wellbeactors,Seth.Aintthatthelimit, (HORATIOALGERJR.Ashort,stockymanwithalarge moustacheenters.He'sdressedinacircusringmastersuniform andcarriesawhipinonehand.HectorimmediatelyleavesSeth andapproachesAlger) HECTOR Mr.Alger,canIshakethehandthatwroteallthosewonderfulbooks. (Algeroffershishand.Hectorshakesit) ALGER

Whichonedidyoulikethemost?

HECTOR (Unsureofhowtorespond.Sethpointstobooktitle) OhIjustlovedBoundtowin.Imnotaloser.Nosirree.Betyouhadsomeone likemeinmindwhenyouwroteit. ALGER Goodday,MissAmy.StillhangingoutwiththatradicalcrowdattheNation? (Shesmilesandnodsherhead) Idlikeoneofyourboystointroduceme. HECTOR MayIplease.I'vereadallhisbooksatleast3times. ALGER

Whatdoyousay,MissAmy?

AMY Goahead,Hector. (AlgernodsandheandHectorexit.Lightsout.Drumroll.Lights up.Hectorboundsonstage) HECTOR Shucks,noneedtoapplaudme,fellers,I'mjustlikeyou,goodoldHector,aplain ordinarytwicewounded...' SETH

Onlyonce.Andthatonewas...

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HECTOR Ithoughtyouhadtroubleremembering. SETH ThatfogaroundRichmondisclearing...andsoismyhead. HECTOR Seth,here,savedmylife,stormingthathellfirecity,solet'sallgivehimagreatbig hand,forwithouthim VOICESOFFSTAGE Iwouldn'thaveany. VOICE

How'dyougetthisjob.Hector?

VOICE Hearditcostyouadollar.Ain'tthatso? HECTOR IfIhadadollar,Idsureuseitformybestfriend,myself.Successformeisnever lettingprincipleinterferewithinterest.AndnowmayIpresenttoyoutheman wholightsupeveryyoungman'sdreamwithshinybanknotes,Mr.HoratioAlger, Jr.ofthe"AmericanSuccessCircus" (EnterAlger.whipinhand.SingsTHEALGERSONG) (MusicNorrisNewLyricsLieberman) ALGER THESETOFMENICHUMWITHARETHEBESTKNOWNSETINTOWN ANDINTHATSETIMNOTEDASASCRIBEOFGREATRENOUN MYWORDSTURNINTOHEAPSOFCOIN IDONTKNOWWHATIMWORTH ALGER(cont) ANDALLTHENEWSBOYSSAYTHATIMTHEKINDESTMANONEARTH IMVERYWELLKNOWN,H.ALGER FORPOORLADSIMTHERAGE JUSTASKACHAPWHOSHUNGRY HEEATSUPEVERYPAGE KNOWWHYMYBOOKSSELLLIKEHOTCAKES ITEACHBOYSHOWTOBEGOOD IMVERYWELLKNOWN,H.ALGER IWRITEFORLADDIESWHOLOVEME NOTFORTHEIRDEAROLDDADDIES ALGER,THATSME Ican'ttellyouhowproudwearetobringourallAmericanshowtothisgreat VeteransHospital.Andtoshowourgratitude,you'llgettoseeeveryanimal asifyouwerepayingforit.

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(Animalsjeerathim) Thesebeastsareverydangerous.Theyllsqueezeyouwiththeirmonopoliesand stockschemesuntiltheyveshakeneverylastdollaroutofyou. (Continuetojeer.Crackswhipandtheyaresilenced) Imademymoneybymyownhardwork.Notlikethesethievingscoundrelswho madeitthroughtheworkofothers. (Ashe'sspeakingalargeblowupoftheRAGGEDDICKbookis wheeledout.) Don'tyourheartgoouttothatgoodladRaggedDick?KnowwhyIwroteit? CauseIwantedtoshoweverybodywhat'shappeningtothousandsofhomeless youngboysinourcities...andgetourrepresentativestodosomethingaboutit. (Algergoestobookcoverknocksonit,andoutcomesastage frightenedSeth.HelooksaroundasHectorcomesboundingthru. AlgermotionsoffstageandaJUGGLERenterstossing3GOLD BRICKSintheair.Jugglingcontinuesduringtheskit.) SETH

Where'dyougetsucharing?

MaidenLane.

HECTOR (Polishingringonhisshirt)

SETH Musthavecostafortune.Didyousaveitoutofyourwages? HECTOR

Wages?Ionlyget$6aweek.

SETH Howcanyouaffordaringlikethat? HECTOR Madeitbyspeculating.PutitallonPacificMail. (Snatchesgoldbrickfromairandtossesitintoair,Brickcomes crashingdowntofloor) ALGER Knowwhathappenedtotheboythatspeculated?PacificMail didn'tdeliver.Failurekeptitfromitsappointedroundsandthat youngmanisnowpenniless. ALGER(cont) (TakesringforcefullyoffHectorsfinger) Hewantedeasymoneyandit'sveryhardtomakeeasymoneyinAmerica. (OpensVanderbiltcageandheenters.Musicup.. THEBOODLEMUSICBRAHAMLYRICHARRIGAN) VANDERBILT

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THELITTLEGREENNOTETHATKEEPSUSAFLOAT. ISEQUALTOSILVERANDGOLD ITSMADEIND.C.OHGIVEITTOME OH,LETITBENEWORBEOLD TWILLBUYANYTHING,ITSJINGLEANDRING ISHEARDONTHELANDANDTHESEA WHEREVERIGO,ILLHAVEYOUTOKNOW THEBOODLE,THEBOODLEFORME THEBOODLE,THEBOODLE,THEBOODLEFORME HOLDONWITHAGRIPANDNEVERLETSLIP THEBOODLE,THEBOODLEFORME (MotionstoHectortotakechorus) HECTOR OHTWICETWOAREFOURANDSOMETIMESITSMORE INBANKINGONFINANCIALSEAS THEREASONISWHYWEREALLONTHETRY AMILLIONAIREBANKERTOBE EACHMANWANTSITALLTHOMANSWANTSARESMALLL INTHISGLORIOUSLANDOFTHEFREE OHEVERYWHERE,THECRYSINTHEAIR THEBOODLE,THEBOODLEFORME THEBOODLE,THEBOODLE,THEBOODLEFORME HOLDONWITHAGRIPANDNEVERLETSLIP THEBOODLE,THEBOODLEFORME ALGER Andnowladiesandgentlemen,thefiercest"Animals"onthefaceoftheearth. BullsandbearsvulturesandsharksgoldbugsandstalkinqhorsesTammany Tigersandtheotherbigcats. (TheANIMALScomeoutoftheircages.Algercrackswhip) MayIpresenttoyoutheNewWorldMenageriethesurvivorsofthe"battleofthe fittest"redintoothandclawfromtryingtoscratchouteachotherseyestobefirst inlineatplundertime.Watchyourstepandbeonyourguardforifyougive themtheslightestopening,they'llbiteoffyourhead. (MusicupAlgergoestoeachcageandintroducesalltheanimals.) VANAMBURGH'SMENAGERIEMUSIC&LYRICWETMORE NEWLYRICSLIEBERMAN) ALGER INMEYOUSEEABRAVEMANWHOISSETTORUNTHISSHOW I'LLGOINTOTHETIGER'SDENANDTELLYOUALLHEKNOWS ISTICKMYHANDINTHELIONSCAGEANDHOLDITTHEREAWHILE THENIPULLITOUTAGAINANDGREETYOUWITHASMILE BULLSANDBEARSAREAPRETTYPAIRWHOWILLLIEANDCHEAT THEJAYGOULDBIRDANDMORGANGORGONLOVETHOSEHOGSTO EAT

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THEVANDERBATISNERVOUSANDRATTLESHISCAGEDOOR ALGER(cont) WHILETHEMELLONELEPHANTISABOUTTOROAR THEANIMALSWILLWATCHYOU THEMUSICBEGINSTOPLAY THEBOYSAROUNDTHEMORGANCAGEHADBETTERKEEPAWAY LOOKATTHEDREWPOLARBEARWHOSELLSTHEMARKETWATER HESNEAKSAROUNDANDMAKESAKILLINGONASHORTORDER HISNEIGHBORTHEHYENA,HISTALEIMUSTRELATE GOTSOHUNGRYTHEOTHERDAYHEATEHISFEMALEMATE HERE'STHEASTORCONSTRICTORWHO'SCALLEDBOABYHISPREY HESWALLOWSWHOLECITYSTREETSTHUSRAISINGTHERENTYOUPAY ANDTHERE'STHEMONOPOLYBEAST,WHOTHUSFAR'SKEPTATBAY HOWLONGWECANKEEPHISTRUST,IREALLYCANNOTSAY THEBULLSANDBEARSWILLSTARTTOCLAW THEMARGINBEGINSTOGROW THEBOYSAROUNDVANDERBILT'SCAGEHADBETTERWATCHTHEIR DOUGH LASTLETUSMEETJOHND.VULTUREFROMTHEOILYSEA HEBITESINTOTHERAILROADSTILLAREBATEHEDOESSEE THISPERFORMANCEWON'TGOONIFTHERE'STOOMUCHCONFUSION PLEASEDON'TFEEDTHEANIMALS.ITWILLRUINYOURCONSTITUTION THEANIMALSNOWWILLSHOW THEYLOVERAWCOMPETITION MAKESURETOSTAYOUTOFTHEIRWAY CAUSEEACHTHINKSHEWILLWIN (Ashesings,hedisplaysthebeasts,crackinghiswhiptoputthemthrutheirpaces. HemotionsforRockefellertocomeforward.Algerspeaks) ThisRockefellerisnofool. Forlongagohewenttoschool Andlearnedtoreadandwriteandspell Andthewordhelikedbestwas0IL. (MusicupRockefellersings" I'VESTRUCKI'LE".MUSIC&LYRICWILDER ROCKEFELLER DOWNINPENNSYLVANIA,THEREISPLENTYOILTHEYSAY PETRROLEUM,PETROLEUM,WEMUSTALLHAVESOME THEOILYFEVERDONTYOUSEEINFECTSMOSTEVERYLIVEYANKEE FROMNORTHANDEASTANDWESTTHEYCOMEFORPETROLIUMOIL OIL,OIL,OILOPETROLEUM OIL,OIL,OILOPETROLEUM SPECULATIONSALLTHEGOWITHRICHANDPOORBOTHHIGHAND LOW

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ANDEVERYBODYSINABOILFORSOMEPETROLEUMOIL LOVEFORGOLDWILLLONGINCREASEWEALLWAGEWARANDTALK OFPEACE BUTBESTOFALL,TISWORTHYOURWHILETOCOMEWHEREIVESTRUCK OIL OIL,OIL,OILOPETROLEUM OIL,OIL,OILOPETROLEUM (Algerdrivesthebeastsbackintotheircagessnappinghiswhip andhurlinghisbooktitlesatthem.) ALGER(cont)

BoundtoRise DoorDare SlowandSure SinkorSwim LuckandPluck WaitandHope

(Theyarenowsecurelybackintheircages.Adrumroll) Andnow,foralittlehilarity,hereareAmerica'stwogreatclowns,Mr.Dooleyand hissidekick,Mr.Hennessey. (DooleyandHennesseyenterDooleypointstothecages) DOOLEY There,Hennesseyresidethetitansoffinance. HENNESSEY Willyoupleaseexplaverate? DOOLEY

IsthereaDooleyamongthem?

No.Shouldtherebe? (Musicup.MISTERDOOLEY)

HENNESSY

DOOLEY&HENNESSEY COLUMBUSHECAMEOVERHEREIN1492 WHENNEWYORKWASAVACANTLOT,IFHISTORYISTRUE TWASDOWNATCASTLEGARDENHEFIRSTPUTHISFOOTONLAND, ANDASHEDID,THEFIRSTONETHERE,TOGRABHIMBYTHEHAND WASMR.DOOLEY,MR.DOOLEY, ANDHETOOKHIMUPCOLUMBUSAVENUE WITHHEADUNCOVERED,SAIDWE'REDISCOVERED, DIDMR.DOOLEYOOLYOOOLYOO HENNESSEY

Dearme,IwishedIhadmoney.

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DOOLEY No,youdont.Youdbefooledandlosesomeofitandthenyoudtightenup. Youdbeinacoldfearnightanddaythatyoulostyourfortune.Youdgobackto IrelandandputonairsforcousinMike.Youdbeaclosefisted,unscrupulousold curmudgeonandwhenyoudied,itdtakeyourfortunetosingrequiemsforyou.I donteverwantyoutospeaktomeaboutgettingrichever,Hennessey. (MusicupMisterDooley) HENNESSEY WhenIleftIreland,IthoughtIdfindgoldinthestreets,buttheonlymineIstruck wascoalinPittsburgh DOOLEY&HENNESSEY WHOSETTLESALLTHELABORSTRIKES WITHOUTAWORDORBLOW ANDSEESTHEMENWHOWORK DOOLEY&HENNESSEY(cont) RECEIVETHERIGHTAMOUNTOFDOUGH WHOCAUSESTHEMTOARBITRATE WHOUSESALLTHEGREASE TOKEEPTHEMENOFCAPITALANDLABORBOTHATPEACE WHORANGTHEBELLONOLDANDREWMELLON WASMR.DOOLEYOOLY,OOLYOO (Theyexit.Algerenters) ALGER AndnowourtwoyoungsoldiersboyswillhelpmecuremyOILONTHEBRAIN (Musicup.OILONTHEBRAIN MUSICANDLYRICEASTBURN) ALGER THEYANKEESBOASTTHATTHEYMAKECLOCKS THATBEATALLCREATION THEYNEVERMADEONECOULDKEEPTIME WITHOURGREATSPECULATION OURSTOCKSLIKECLOCKSGOWITHASPRING WINDUPRUNDOWNAGAIN BUTALLOURSTRIKESARESURETOCAUSEOILONTHEBRAIN ALGERSETHHECTOR STOCKSPARSTOCKSUPTHENONTHEWANE EVERYBODYSTROUBLEDWITHOILONTHEBRAIN SETH YOUMEETAFRIENDUPONTHESTREET HEGREETSYOUWITHASMILE ANDTELLSYOUINAHURRIEDWAY

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HESJUSTGONEINTOILE HEBUTTONHOLESYOUHALFANHOUR OFCOURSEYOUCANTCOMPLAIN FORYOUCANSEETHEFELLOWHASOILONTHEBRAIN HECTOR THELAWYERS,DOCTORS,WRITERS, CLERKSINDUSRTIOUSANDLAZY HAVEPUTTHEIRMONEYALLINSTOCKS INFACTHAVEGONEOILCRAZY THEYBETTERSTICKTOBRIEFSANDPILLS. HOTIRONSINKANDPEN ORTHEYWILLKICKTHEBUCKET FROMOILONTHEBRAIN ALGERSETHHECTOR STOCKSPARSTOCKSUPTHENONTHEWANE EVERYBODYSTROUBLEDWITHOILONTHEBRAIN HECTOR Isn'tthisshowthegreatestthingyoueversaw? (Applauseandwhistles.) Nowthoseofyouthatstillgotlegsouttherewe'llletyoustretchthem.It's intermissiontime. HECTOR(cont) (Algerstartstoexit.Hectorfollows.) Wasn'tIgoodoutthere,Mr.Alger? ALGER Thatremarkaboutprinciplewasaspoorasarat.Ifyouworkforme,Ineverever wanttohearyoutalkoflettingyouridealsgodownthedrainforadollarortwo. Letyourprinciplesleadthewayandthedollarbillswillmarchrightalongsideyou (MusicupandAlgersingsADOLLARORTWO MUSIC&LYRICPEASE) WITHCAUTIOSHSTEPASWETREADOURWAY THISINTRICATEWORLDASOTHERFOLKSDO MAYWESTILLONOURJOURNEYBEABLETOVIEW THEBENEVOLENTFACEOFADOLLARORTWO THRUCOUNTRYORTOWNASWEPASSUPANDDOWN NOPASSPORTASGOODASADOLLARORTWO DOLLARORTWO.DOLLARORTWO NOFRIENDISASGOODASADOLLARORTWO (MotionstoSethandHector.Theyjoinhiminsong) WOULDYOUREADYOURSELFOUTOFABATCHELORSCREW ANDTHEHANDOFAFEMALEDIVINITYSUE YOUSHOULDALWAYSEXPECTTHEHANDSOMETODO

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ALTHOITSHOULDCOSTYOUADOLLARORTWO LOVESARROWSARETIPPEDWITHADOLLARORTWO NOAIDISSOGOODINADVANCINGYOURSUIT ASTHEELOQUENTCHINKOFADOLLARORTWO DOLLARORTWO.DOLLARORTWO NOFRIENDISASGOODASADOLLARORTWO (Amyenters,ToSeth) AMY Youlookedlikeyouenjoyedbeingintheshow. SETH Itwasfun.Iwaslaughingsohardbackthere,thatIshooksomeoftheclean forgottenfrommyhead,andIsawlotsofmyyesterdaysliketheywashangingon aclothesline. AMY Iloveyoursmile.It'sbeautifullikeyou. (Seth,embarrassedstepsintoanimaldroppings.) Thoseanimalsknowhowtomakeamessallright. SETH Theydon'tknownobetter. AMY Whattheyknowisthatthey'llalwayshavesomeonecleaning upafterthem. SETH Somebody'sgottokeepthisplacethiscountryclean.

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AMY Notaslongasthosemoneymencandowhatevertheydamnwell please,forgivemylanguage. SETH Nousegettingexcited.Thatsthewayitsalwaysgoingtobe. AMY Thenyoucanhaveyourselfasteadyjobfollowingafterthem withabroom. SETH Wouldn'tbothermenone.Backhomeweusedtosayhorses dropmanureandfarmersstoopforsure. AMY Thenit'stimeyoustoodupstraightandtall.Canyouread? SETH Sure.CanevenreadtheBible. AMY (TakesoutcopyofTHENATION,) Everreadthis.ItsadifferentkindofBible. SETH

(Lookingitover) TheNation.Whatsitsay? (MusicupNOWELTHWITHOUTLABOR,MYBOYS MUSICBRAHAMLYRICHARRIGAN) AMY THEHANDANDTHEHAMMERARETRULYFRIENDS BETWEENTHEMNOQUARRELARISE OHEACHONTHEOTHERFOREVERDEPENDS TOGAINLABORSSWEETGOLDENPRIZE THEFARMER,THEBLACKSMITHANDEACHWORKINGMAN WHILETOILINGFORCOMFORTANDJOY REMEMBERTHEMAXIMOWORKALLYOUCAN NOWEALTHWITHOUTLABORMYBOY THENCHEERFORTHEWAGEWORKERANDTOILER HESTHEBUILDEROFHOMEANDJOYS ALLRICHESMUSTCOMEAFTERHARDLABOR THERESNOWEALTHWITHOUTIT,MYBOYS,MYBOYS AMY IhaveacommissiontodoastoryforthemonAlgerandhisAnimals.He

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thinkshecantamethemlikehedoesintheshow.Itsallmakebelieve. SETH

Youmeantheyrenottherealthing?

AMY Yourecatchingonmightyfast. (Hectorentersexcitedly) HECTOR How'dyoufeelinfrontofallthosepeople,Seth? SETH JustlikebeforeRichmond.Alittlescaredbutwilling HECTOR How'dyouliketodoitformoney?. SETH

Willwereallygetpaid?

HECTOR Andgoodtoo,.Mr.Algeraintnoskinflint. SETH Gotnoplaceelsetogo.Familysallgone AMY I'msorry,Seth. HECTOR Don'tdonofretting,causeHoratioislookingforayoungUncleSam,andhe kindaletitbeknownthatonlyyouandIareintherunning. SETH

He'llchooseyouforsure.

AMY MaybeIcouldhaveawordwithMr.Alger. HECTOR Anurseoughttokeepherheadintheicebucket. SETH Sheain'tjustanurse.Amy'sarealwriter.AndMr.Algerthinksenough ofhersothathe'sgoingtoletherwriteabouthim. HECTOR

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Aboutwhat? AMY. Abouthimandyou,andthe"Animals". HECTOR Icouldtellyouaboutthoseanimals. AMY What,thattheyareactors.Imgoingtoexposetherealhogsthatare runningwild. HECTOR Ihopeyoudon'tputdownanythingbadaboutme.

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AMY Ipromise...ifyoupromisetobefairwithSeth. HECTOR Well,inthatcase,maythebestmanwin.Onlyrememberthe frontseatcomesbeforethebackone. SETH Youmeanlikethedirtbeforethebroom, (Hectorletsoutaforcedlaugh) HECTOR

UncleSam?You?Wellseeaboutthat.

SETH I'llmissyou,Amy. AMY I'llmissyou,too.ButI'mleavingtoo...goinghome. SETH Where'sthat? AMY

Newport.

HECTOR That'swheretheshow'splayingnext...Foralltherichfolks..Horatio Wantstoconvertthem,You'renotoneofthem,areyou,Amy? AMY YouknowIneveranswerquestionsaboutmyprivatelife. ButIwilIcometotheshow.. HECTOR (TakespaperfromunderSeth'sarmandlooksatit) Whathavewegothere?My,my,Ineverthoughtyou'dbereading thiskindoftrash. SETH I'lltrashyouifyouevertalkaboutAmy'spaperlikethatagain HECTOR (ToAmy) Soyou'reoneofthoserichSocietyladieswhoseheartnever stopsbleeding?

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Youtakethatback. SETH

HECTOR Comeonnow,Amy,whoareyou,really?Areyouanactor,too? AMY ImaWOMAN,whowantstovote.Justlikeyou AMY(cont) Musicup,AmysingsSHE'SGOODENOUGHTOBEYOURBABY'SMOTHER. MusicPaleyLyricBryan) NOMANISGREATERTHANHISMOTHER NOMANISHALFSOGOOD NOMANISBETTERTHANTHEWIFEHELOVES HERLOVEWILLGUIDEHIM WHATOERBETIDEHIM SHESGOODENOUGHTOLOVEANDADOREYOU SHESGOODENOUGHTOBEARYOURTROUBLESFORYOU ANDIFYOURTEARSWEREFALLINGTODAY NOBODYELSEWOULDKISSTHEMAWAY SHESGOODENOUGHTOWARMYOURHEARTWITHKISSES WHENYOUARELONESOMEANDBLUE SHESGOODENOUGHTOBEYOURBABYSMOTHER ANDSHESGOODENOUGHTOVOTEWITHYOU.YOU! (WhenshefinishesHectorapplaudsinmockingmanner) HECTOR MissAmy,Ilikemypieinthefaceandnotinthesky. (Musicup.Hectorsings"I'MTHEGUY) WHENTHEYHEARMETALK WHENTHEYSEEMEWALK PEOPLETURNAROUNDTOSAYWHOSTHAT ALLTHEPEOPLECRY ALLTHELADIESSIGH TILLTHEYKNOWEXACTLYWHEREIMAT DANIELDREWSHINESMYSHOES JAYGOULDPOURSOUTMYBOOZE ANDMISTERVANDERBILTCUTSMYHAIR IEATABALEOFHAYFORBREAKFASTEVERYDAY IMHEREIMTHEREIMMOSTLYEVERYWHERE IMTHEGUYTHATPUTTHESALTINTHEOCEAN IMTHEGUYTHATPUTTHEBONESINFISH IMTHEGUYCANTTELLALIE ILLALWAYSLIVEILLNEVERDIE INTHEWISHBONEIMTHEGUYTHATPUTTHEWISH IMTHEGUYTHATPUTTHEHUMPONTHECAMEL IMTHEGUYTHATPUTTHECOUGHINCROUP

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WHATSTHAT?WHOAMI?DONTYOUKNOW IMTHEGUY.IMTHEGUYTHATPUTTHENOISEINNOODLESOUP (ToSeth) Bereadyinthemorning,Seth.AndMissAmy,IdontthinkAmericaisready toletwomenvote.Sorry.. (Hectorexits.SethturnstoAmy) SETH Thinkthere'sachanceforme? AMY You'rehiskindofman,notHector.Alger'getsmadwhenheseeschildren workingintheminesandmillslikeyoudo.Hectorcouldn'tcareless. SETH I*abeginningtobelieveIcouldbeagoodUncleSam,someday. AMY Weneedyoustartingnow...andyou'reready. SETH

Everthinkofgettingmarried?

AMY Everygirldoes.Butit'snotforme. SETH

Youain'tthetypetoplayanoldmaid.

AMY Icouldn'tbefairtoamanorchildren.NotwithwhatI wanttodo... SETH LastnightIdreamtyouwasmywife. AMY Itcouldonlyhappeninadream.You'reagoodman,Seth, andIdolikeyou,butbeinganyone'swifeisnotforme.. SETH

Willyoubemyfriend?

AMY Alwaysnomatterwhat. SETH DidIscreaminmysleepagainlastnight?

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AMY Onlyonce.Yourewellontheroadtorecovery, SETH Wouldyousingmyfavorite?AboutsayinggoodbyetoLincoln, AMY OntheMediaScreenweseeportraitsoftheLincoln assassinationandphotosofthefuneral) Youliedown,now. (Heliesdown.Lightsdarken.Amylightsacandle. Musicup"FAREWELLFATHER,FRIENDANDGUARDIAN".) MusicRootLyricDawn) ALLOURLANDISDRAPEDINMOURNING HEARTSAREBOWEDANDSTRONGMENWEEP FOROURLOVED,OURNOBLELEADER SLEEPSHISLAST,HISDREAMLESSSLEEP GONEFOREVERGONEFOREVER FALLENBYATRAITORSHAND THOPRESERVEDHISDEARESTTREASURE OURREDEEMEDBELOVEDLAND FAREWLLFATHER,FRIENDANDGUARDIAN AMY(cont) THOUHASTJOINEDTHEMARTYRBAND BUTTHYGLOIOUSWORKREMAINETH OURREDEEMEDBELOVEDLAND (Whensongisfinished,sheblowsoutthecandleandexitssinging intothedistance.Thestageisdarkforamomentandthena nightmarespotcomesup.Inthedistancewehearbattlefieldnoise. ThesteadytattooofadrumbeatbringsSethawakeandtohisfeet. Sethstandsatattentionandbeginstomarch.FromoffstageHector andanotherVeteranjoinhim.Afewfrozenimagesofdead soldiersinMathewBradysphotographsremainonthescreens.A MOTHER,stepsintotheCenterRingandbeginstosingthesong "THEYHAVEGRAFTEDHIMINTOTHEARMY". (MUSIC&LYRICBYWORK) MOTHER MYJIMMYHASGONEFORTOLIVEINATENT THEYHAVEGRAFTEDHIMINTOTHEARMY HEFINALLYPUCKEREDUPCOURAGEANDWENT WHENTHEYGRAFTEDHIMINTOTHEARMY ITOLDTHEMTHECHILDWASTOOYOUNG.ALAS ATTHECAPTAINSFOREQUARTERSTHEYSAIDHEWOULDPASS THEYDTRAINHIMUPWELLINTHEINFANTRYCLASS WHENTHEYGRAFTEDHIMINTOTHEARMY

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OHJIMMY,FAREWLL,YOUREBROTHERSFELL WAYDOWNINALABARMY ITHOUGHTTHEYWOULDSPAREALONEWIDDERSHEIR BUTTHEYGRAFTEDHIMINTOTHEARMY (LightsuponTHREEDEADSOLDIERS,whoarelyingdown.; Sethtapsthemandtheyriseandsinandsings) COVERUSOVER) MUSICORMSBYLYRICCARLETON) DEADSOLDIERS COVERUSOVERWITHBEAUTIFULFLOWERS DECKUSWITHGARLANDS,THESEBROTHERSOFOURS LYINGSOSILENTBYNIGHTANDBYDAY SLEEPINGTHEYEARSOFTHEIRMANHOODAWAY YEARSTHEYHADMARKEDFORTHEJOYSOFTHEBRAVE YEARSTHEYMUSTWASTEINTHESLOTHOFTHEGRAVE COVERTHEMOVER.COVERTHEMOVER PARENTSANDBROTHERANDHUSBANDANDLOVER SHRINEINYOURHEARTSTHESEDEADHEROESOFOURS ANDCOVERTHEMOVERWITHBEAUTIFULFLOWERS (ThelightscrossfadefromtheMOTHERandDEADSOLDIERS toilluminateseveral"ANIMALS".GOULD,MORGAN, VANDERBILTDREW,FISK,ETC.,slither,prowl,crouch,and scurryaboutonsmall,dimlylitPERCHESusedhereforthefirst time.Theyeachtapoutmessagesonsharplyaudibletelegraph keysastheytalk.Astheytap,strandsoftickertapedescendfrom theirperches.Thisanimalimageryshouldnowreflectsomeofthe famousstyleofNast'scaricatures.Besidesthesemythicbeastsof preyweshouldfindahugegoldbugandatleastonecopperhead. Atthesametimeslidescreensbeginatattooofstockmarket quotations.Theincessantshiftofnumbers,futures,andfractions providesaquietbutmassivemagiclanternshellfortheentire DEADSOLDIERS(cont) arena.TheANIMALSchantthenamesofthefamousbattlesand thenumberofcasualtiesoftheCivilWar.ONTHEMEDIA SCREENweseethefigures.Sethcallsoutnamesandnumbers TheWilderness17,666 Spotsylvania,10,920 Drewy'sBluff,4,160 ColdHarbor,12,000 Petersburg,16,569 (Theexponentialprofits,togetherwiththeinfamousbodycount, giveusthecountinghouseofbloodandgold.Thecrueltyofthe juxtapositionbetweenthe"ANIMALS"andtheDEADSOLDIERS willintensifyasthesceneprogresses.TheDEADSOLDIERSwill ariseandbegintobothsoftlymarchandsing) WELLFIGHTITOUTHEREONTHEOLDUNIONLINE (MUSICROOTLYRICLOZIER

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DEADSOLDIERS WELLRALLYAGAINTOTHESTANDARDWEBORE OERBATTLEFIELDSCRIMSONANDGORY SHOUTINGHAILTOTHECHIEFWHOINFREEDOMSFIERCEWAR HATHCOVEREDTHATBANNERWITHGLORY THENRALLYAGAIN.THENRALLYAGAIN WITHTHESOLDIER,SAILORANDBUMMER ANDWELLFIGHTITOUTHEREONTHEOLDUNIONLINE NOODDSIFITTAKESALLSUMMER (MORGANimmaculatelydressedenters) MORGAN (SingsWANTEDASUBSTITUTEMUSIC&LYRICWILDER) WANTEDASUBSTITUTE,THREEHUNDREDI'LLPAY IFYOUKNOWOFONEWHOWANTSIT,SENDHIMALONGTHISWAY WHATGLORYHELLINHERITWHENREBELLIONISPUTDOWN NOGREATERMARKOFMERITCOULDANYMORTALCROWN WANTEDASUBSTITUTESHOWMETHEMAN WHOLLBUCKLEONHISARMOR ANDFIGHTFORUNCLESAM (Hectorappearsincivilianclothes.) HECTOR Whatareyouwillingtopay? MORGAN

Whatthelawsays$300.

HECTOR JustcauseCongressnamedaprice,don'tmeanithastobemine. MORGAN YouseeI'dgladlygobutIgetthesefaintingspells. HECTOR It'ssupplyanddemand.Ifyouwanttostayalivemyoffer stillstandsatfive. (Startstowalkaway,MORGANrunsafterhim,stopshimand takesoutrollofbills.Theyexit.Drewdressedinsuitandtieenters) DREW WANTEDAMALEPIGEON.SHOWMETHEMAN WHOLLLETMEKNOWWHOSWINNINGANDFIGHTFORUNCLEDAN WHATFORTUNEHELLINHABITWHENHELETSMEKNOWWHATS WHAT

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DONTCAREWHUCHSIDELOSES,JUSTSOICANRAISETHEPOT (Hectorenters.Drewcallstohim) Needtoknowwho'saheadandbyhowmuch... HECTOR Ineedmoneyrealbad.Cantmakeitbyfighting. DREW Youcansaythatagain."Patriotismisamightyslowwaytorollupafortune." HECTOR I'mwillingtostartrealsmall. (Drewreachesintopocketandtakesoutaquarterandgivesitto him.) HECTOR Aquarterain'tnowhere,sir. DREW DanielDrewain'tnoskinflintsonifyoucanfindaway... HECTOR Icouldwrite... DREW TooslowIgottohavenewswithinhours.Nowifyoucould developanunderstandingwithsometelegraphoperators... I'llsupplyyouwiththeunderstandingmoney. (Handshimrollofbills.Hectorstartstocountit.) AnddoyourbestnottogetkilledcausewithoutyouIcan'tmakeakilling (Bothexit). AMY (OnMEDIASCREENwereadMARKTWAINS(BATTLE HYMNOFTHEREPUBLIC ) MINEEYESHAVESEENTHEORGYOFTHELAUNCHINGOFTHESWORD: HEISSEARCHINGOUTTHEHOARDINGSWHERETHESTRANGER'S WEALTHISSTORED. HEHATHLOOSEDHISFATEFULLIGHTNINGSANDWITHWOEAND DEATHHASSCORED. HISLUSTISMOVINGON. INASORDIDSLIMEHARMONIOUSGREEDWASBORNINYONDERDITCH, WITHALONGINGINHISBOSOMANDFOROTHERS'GOODSANITCH. ASCHRISTDIEDTOMAKEMENHOLY,LETMENDIETOMAKEUSRICH; OURGODISMARCHINGON.

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(OntheMEDIASCREEN)ThePriceinBlood) TheUnion Battledeaths:110,070 Disease,etc.:250,152 Total360,222 TheConfederate Battledeaths:94,000 Disease,etc.:164,000 Total258,000 ANIMALCHORUS (ShoutsoutthenamesoffamousbattlesintimetosongofDead Soldiers.) BULLRUNGETTYSBURG!!CHANCELLORSVILLEVICKSBURGTHE WILDERNESSBIGMANNASAWILLIAMSBURG (AYOUNGmanrunsonstagewavingapaper.GOULDsteps fromtheranksoftheAnimals.) SON

I'mgoingtoenlist,father

GOULD Haaveyougonemad? SON

Sir,DoIhaveyourapproval?

GOULD Mostcertainlynot.It'sonlygreenhornswhoenlist. (Handshimenvelope.) Thisshouldmorethancoverthecostofreplacingyou. SON

ButIbelieveinthiswar...

GOULD AndIbelieveinmakingafortunefromthiswar.Youcanbeapatriotwithout riskingyourownlifeorlimbs.Thereareplentyofliveslessvaluablethanyours anddon'tyouforgetit. (GoestoDeadSoldiers.MusicHOWAREYOUCONSCRIPT MUSICANDLYRICWILDER.Gouldsings) HOWAREYOUCONSCRIPT? HOWAREYOUISAY? HAVEYOUGOTTHREEHUNDREDGREENBACKS TOPONYUPANDPAY IFNOTYOUAREAGONER NOWDONTYOUFRETANDCRY

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FORYOUREONLYGOINGTODIXIE TOFIGHTANDMINDYOUREYE HOWAREYOUCONSCRIPT HOWAREYOUTODAY (TheTELEGRAPHKEYSareincessant.TheDEADSOLDIERS YOULOOKGOODINYOURBURIALSHROUD(lineLieberman) ITSAVERYTIGHTPLACETHEYSAYsingandmarktime steadily.ANIMALSeachtaketurn) MORGAN Buy.Thewildernessisfalling.Buy,buy,buy,buy,buywheat. DREW Sell,.Sell,sellshort.Sell.Sellshort.Sellthedollarshort. GOULD Buy.Gettysburghasfallen.Buy,buy,buy,buybeef. ROCKEFELLER Sell.Sellshort.Sell.Sellshort.Sell,sellshort.Smashcopperonthecurb! MORGAN Buy,buy,buy,buysoybeans.Buy,buy,buy,buycoal. DREW I'mabullontheunionandGrantandabearonpork.It's$40abarrelnow,but withpeaceit'sgoingtohitbottom. GOULD

Buygoldgoldgold. (MusicupGOLD.MUSIC&LYRICHUNT) ANIMALCHORUS WEOFTREADOFTHEPOWER OFPRINCESANDOFKINGS WHOBUTSTRIPPEDOFALLTHEIRGRANDEUR AREBUTPOORMORTALTHINGS BUTTHERESAPOWERSTRONGER WHICHLASTSFORTIMEUNTOLD TOWHICHAALLMENMUSTBOW ANDTHATSBRIGHT,BRIGHTGOLD GOLD,GOLD,GOLD!IWELOVETOHEARITJINGLE GOLD,GOLD,GOLD!ITSPOWERISUNTOLD WEMENSTRIVEHARDTOSTOREIT ANDWOMANSHELLADOREIT THEBESTFRIENDAMANCANHAVEISGOLD,GOLD,GOLD! (LightsdownuponaBLACKsoldierOF3DEADSOLDIERS)

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BLACKSOLDIER Hallelujah,Lincolnisfinallygoingtoletusblackmenfightforourfreedom. (SINGS) WELLFIGHTFORUNCLEABEMUSICBUCKLEYLYRICPRATT WAYDOWNINOLDVIRGINIA,ISUPPOSEYOUALLDOKNOW THEYHAVETRIEDTOBUSTTHEUNIONBUTTHEYFINDITISNOGO THEYANKEEBOYSARESTARTINGOUTTHEUNIONFORTOSAVE ANDWEREGOINGDOWNTOWASHINGTONTOFIGHTFORUNCLEABE RIPRAPFLIPFLAP STRAPYOURKNAPSACKSONYOURBACK WEREAGOINGTOWASHINGTON TOFIGHTFORUNCLEABE (REPEATCHORUS)

Lightsdown.LightsuponDeadSoldiers (MusicupSing"TENTINGONTHEOLDCAMPGROUND" Music&LyricSmith) DEADSOLDIERS WE'VEBEENFIGHTINGTODAYONTHEOLDCAMPGROUND MANYARELYINGNEAR... SOMEAREDEADANDSOMEAREDYING, MANYAREINTEARS MANYARETHEHEARTSTHATAREWEARYTONIGHT WISHINGFORTHEWARTOCEASE MANYARETHEHEARTSLOOKINGFORTHERIGHT TOSEETHEDAWNOFPEACE DYINGTONIGHT.DYINGTONIGHT DYINGONTHEOLDCAMPGROUND MORGAN

PoisonedPork.Patriotism.Patriotism! (Thesceneisbuildingtowardthezenith.Themovementsofthem REALANIMALSandDEADSOLDIERSincreasetowardfast motion;thesongsandslogansaremorehoarse;OntheMedia Screenthestormoffiguresprofitsandcasualtiesisthicker, faster;thetelegraphkeysreport) GOULD

(Roaring) Buycarbinesfromthegovernmentfor17thousanddollars. MORGAN

(Roaring) Sellcarbinestothegovernmentfor109thousand.Whospreadtheinfamouslie thatmycarbinesshotoffthethumbsofthesoldierswhousedthem?

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ANIMALCHORUS (Inafrenzy) Lies.Lies.Lies! DEADSOLDIERS (Musicup"WHOWILLRULETHEAMERICANNATION?" (MUSIC&LYRICWORK)

WHOSHALLRULETHISAMERICANNATION?SAYBOYSSAY WHOSHALLSITINTHELOFTIESTSTATION?SAY,BOYSSAY DIDWEVAINLYSHEDOURBLOODINBATTLE DIDOURTROOPSRESULTLESSWINTHEDAY WASOURTIMEANDTREASUREALLSQUANDERED?SAY,BOYSSAY! ROCKEFELLER TheSouthisfalling.Thedollarrecovers.

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GOULD MissouriPacific,UnionPacific,TexasandPacific,NewYorkErie,Erie,Erie.Buy, buy,buy! (Musicup.WHOWILLRULETHISAMERICANNATION? MUSIC&LYRICWORKADDEDLYRICLIEBERMAN) ANIMALCHORUS WHOSHAILRULETHISAMERICANNATION?USWESAY WHOSHALLSITINTHELOFTIESTSTATION?USWESAY WESHALLDECIDEWHOWILLACTASOURSERVANT ANDWITHPRIDEASSUMEAREGALWAY WELLBREAKTHOSEWHOAREREADYTOFIGHTUS.YES,WESAY..." (Allchantsarecontinuousnow.Thestrobelightsbegin.A hystericallypatrioticfinale.Thestageisalightshownowofflags andmoney.TheANIMALSdescendontheDEADSOLDIERSto devourthem.TheRINGMASTER,Alger,isjustabletowhipthe halfmadANIMALSoffthestage.Theyretreathissingand snapping,draggingtheDEADSOLDIERS.TheSOLDIERSare pulledscreamingfromthestagebytheANIMALSwhoeatand singtriumphantly.Theflickeringstrobelighteffectsspeedupthe scene'sdangerousfinale.Thesongshavebecomescreams.Sethis alone,now,,screaming.Amyrunsinandpullshimdowntohis cot,rockinghimlikeababy.Shecroonstohimasthelights fade...OntheMEDIASCREENS:NEWPORT.Photosofexteriors andinteriorofthefabledNewportmansions.(LightsuponDooley andHennessey) HENNESSEY

SothisisNewport?

DOOLEY Whataplace.AmillionairefromMuskeegeethrewapartytheothernightand gaveeachguestalumbermillasasouvenir.InthemorningIridethehoundsand everyafternoonIgoforawhirlinmygoldandivoryyacht.Suchisthesporting lifehereanditgrowstiresomeafterawhile.Ifeellikegivingacoronationdinner tothepoorofthevillageandfeedthemmypoloponies.Inolongercarewhether thechampagnebarrelsarekepticedorwhetherthePolesinthecoalminesare strikingfor$1.47or$1.48aday. (GOULDentersandgoestoHennessey) GOULD WasityouthatIheardusingtheword"strike"? HENNESSEY

Beggingyourpardon,sir.

GOULD

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You'llgetnopardonfromme. (MusicupGOULDsings"THECOALBARON'SSONG") MUSIC&LYRICFRANK) LETTHEMSTRIKEASMUCHASTHEYLIKE TOUSTISAPERFECTBOON MERRILYHIGHTHEPRICESFLYONMONOPOLYSBIGBALLOON THOTHEYSTARVEBYBITSINTHEINKYPITS GOULD(cont) THOTHEIRCHILDRENCRYFORBREAD THEENDOFTHEGAMEMUSTBETHESAME KINGCAPITALKEEPSAHEAD THEENDOFTHEGAMEMUSTBETHESAME KINGCAPITALKEEPSAHEAD IMWILLINGTOADDTHEIRWORKISBAD ANDDANGEROUS,TOO,TOFACE BUTWHENONESTOPSANDREELSANDDROPS THERESANOTHERTOTAKEHISPLACE SUPPLYANDDEMANDTHROUGHOUTTHELAND BYTHATWILLWESTANDORFALL WEREDEALINGINCOALSBUTBODIESANDSOULS ARENOTINOURLINEATALL WEREDEALINGINCOALSBUTBODIESANDSOULS ARENOTINOURLINEATALL (Aftersongheaddressestheparty) Welcometo"NewportWeek".Forsevendaysyoushallbeentertainedwith music,livingpictures,dancesandtheoneandonlyHoratioAlgerAllAmerican Spectacular. (Drumroll) Now,ladiesandgentlemenIwanttointroducemybeautifulniecewhohascome backtousafterhavingselflesslygivenofherselftonurseourgallantsoldiersback tohealth.Heresheis,Columbiaherself,myveryownAmy. (Amyenters,dressedbeautifully,withSethonherarm) AMY Thankyou.MayIintroducemyescort,ayoungmanwhofoughttosaveusfrom beingacontemptiblecountrythathadtoleratedslaverymuchtoolong.Please giveawarmwelcometoMr.SethHawkins. (Sethbowsnervouslytoscatteredapplause.Hectordashes overtoSethandAmyallthreehugeachother. HECTOR Imhavingthetimeofmylife.ThewondersI'veseen.Thefinestofhouses. Restaurantswithladieswearingdiamondsandthemenwearingtheladies.And they'vefilledmyheadwithhowmuchmoneythereistobemadeoutthere (MusicupTISMONEYAFTERALL (MUSICBUSHEYLYRICORR)

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IMEETMENOFALLPROFESSIONS ANDISEETHEMEVERYDAY ANDTHEIRLIVESARESPENTINBUSINESS ORINPLEASUREASTHEYMAY WHOPROFESSACREEDINPUBLIC WHICHTHEYPRACTICENOTATALL FORTHEYALLAREAFTERMONEY FORTISMONEYAFTERALL TISMONEYAFTERALL TISMONEYAFTERALL FORTHEYALLAREAFTERMONEY FORTISMONEYAFTERALL AMY MR.Alger,Wouldyouanswersomequestionsnow? ALGER Fireaway.MissAmy. AMY WhatmostAmericanswouldliketoknowishowyougetalong withtheHOGS",therealMonopolyBeasts? (Takesoutnotebookandwritesinitduringinterview.) ALGER ItrytoshowAmericathekindofvulturesweredealingwithsowe togethercanholdthemincheck.ForifI.letthemgetoutofhand,they'll gobbleupeverythinginsight. (Soundsofgrowlsandgruntingfromthecages.) "Greedofgainhardenstheheartandbanishesallscruples.".Iwrotethat andIbelieveit..NowIveaquestionforyou.Howdyoudescribeyourself? AMY Aradicalsuffragetteagitatoristhatsufficient. SETH Pleasedon'tcallheranybadnames,Mr.Alger. ALGER I'donlycallher...honorable.Howeversheandthatbunch backtherehaveonethingincommontheybothcan'twait. (Musicuphesings"THELONGHAIREDKINGS"ANON) ALGER

INTHESUNNYLANDOFFRANCE ATHOUSANDYEARSAGO THERELIVEDARACEOFWARRIORKINGS

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WHOWEREVERYFARFROMSLOW THEYPOLISHEDOFFTHENATIVES INAHUNBDREDFIGHTSAYEAR ANDTHEMANWHOWENTAGAINSTTHEM FOUNDTHATHEFELTEXCEEDINGLYQUEER OHTHEWARRIORKINGSWEREGREAT INTHEFIELDANDINTHESTATE ANDTHERADICALSROUNDTOTHEIRSORROWALLFOUND THEYWERETOOFARAHEADOFTHEIRDATE AMY

(Callsout) Rockefeller.

(Hecomesoutofhiscage.Dressedwell)) JOHND.ROCKEFELLERISASMARTERMAN THANTHEWARRIORKINGSOFOLD HETAKESNOCHANCESONTHEFIELDOFBATTLE BUTIRULESTHISLANDWITHGOLD HEOWNSALLTHEOILANDTHESTEELALREADY HESTHEPRINCEOFMONOPOLYTOO ANDALLTHELITTLEROBBERSARESHAKINGINTHEIRSHOES TOTHINKWHATNEXTHELLDO MAKEHISCOMPETIONSCUM UNDERROCKEFELLERSTHUMB AMY(cont) BUTWERADICALSSMILEHA INOURSLEEVESALLTHEWHILE FORWEKNOWOURTIMEHASCOME (Rockefellerexitslaughing) ALGER Myboysknowthatiftheywaitaroundtothelastchaptertheyre usuallyrewardedwithgoodluck. AMY Butcanweallbelucky? ALGER Yes.Luckseemstofindthosewhodeserveit.Thiscircuswaslucky tofindme,becauseIkeepmymenagerieundercompletecontrol. AMY Meannodisrespect,sir,butmayIpointoutwhosreallyrunningtheshow. ALGER (Takenaback) Thatsamightybigclaimyouremaking.Canyoubackitup?

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AMY SurecanbutIllneedyourhatandwhip. (Hehandsthemtoher.Alger,SethandHectorgoto cornerofstagetowatch.Sheputsonhatsnapswhip.) AMY LadiesandGentlemen,MayIintroduceourmodernpirates andwatchthemplundertheErie.Mr.CorneliusVanderbilt. (Vanderbiltenters) VANDERBILT "WhatdoIcareaboutthelawaintIgotthepower?" AMY (Gouldenters) GOULD WhenitcomestolegislaturesorJudges,IoutbidVanderbilt everytime. AMY ColonelJimFisktheymadehimaColoneltomakesurehe nevercomesnearanyfighting. (EnterFisk) FISK WallStreetruinedmeonceandWallStreetwillpayforit. AMY Andlastbutstillabeast,theoldBearhimself,Mr.DanielDrew. (Drew,anoldmandressedinwornclothesand abatteredtophat,enters.Hedragsacart behindhim.Onthecartisapuppetstage inthreesections,marked:THETREASURY,THE LEGISLATURE,THEJUDICIARY) DREW PeoplesayI'vesqueezedtheEriedry,butwhatgood'sarailroadif youcan'tmilkit.NowifyoufollowmeI'veanappointmentwith Mr.WilliamTweedatTammanyHall. (LightsupontheTweedRinginthestyleofthefamousNast cartoon.LedbyBossTweedtheyallchant) THERING Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit? (Theydanceheavilyinacircle,eachpointinginblameattheother.

Mr.JayGould.

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TWEED (Janglingabunchofkeys) Dontyoulovethisjinglingsound Theseareabunchofmyprivatekeys Thatfitthepublictreasuries THERING "Whatareyougoingtodoaboutit?" TWEED (CATECHISMBYMARKTWAIN) Itistimeforthemorningcatechism.Shallwebegin?What isthechiefendofman? THERING Togetrichrichrich TWEED

Inwhatway?

RING Dishonestlyifwecanhonestlyifwemust. TWEED

WhoisGod,theonlyoneandtrue?

THERING MoneyisthetrueandonlyGod.GoldandGreenbacksandStocksthe holytrinity,andWilliamTweedishisprophet. TWEED Howshallamanattainthechiefendoflife? THERING ByfurnishingimaginarycarpetstotheCourtHouse.Apocryphal chairstothearmoriesandinvisibleprintingtothecity. (Musicup,Tweedleadsgroupinsinging'of"TAMMANY")

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TWEED HIAWATHAWASANINDIAN,SOWASNAVAJO PALEFACEDORGANGRINDERSKILLEDTHEMMANYMOONSAGO BUTTHEREISABANDOFINDIANSTHATWILLNEVERDIE WHENTHEYREATTHEINDIANCLUB,THISISTHEIRBATTLECRY TAMMANY,TAMMANY STICKTOGETHERATTHEPOLL YOULLHAVELONGGREENWAMPUMROLL TAMMANY,TAMMANY POLITICIANSGETPOSITIONS,TAMMANY RING WHENREFORMERSTHINKITSTIMETOSHOWACTIVITY THEYBLAMEEVERYTHINGTHATSBADONPOOROLDTAMMANY ALLNEWYORKERSTHINKTHATTAMMANYCAUSEDOLDADAMSFALL THEYSAYWHENABADMANDIESHEGOESTOTAMMANYHALL TAMMANYSBLAMEDFORALL TAMMANY,TAMMANY PAPERSEXTRABIGCHIEFSNAME CALLHIMGRAFTER;LOVESTHEGAME WILLIEHEARSWILLDOHISWORST;TAMMANY AMY (Amyimitatingamaningesture,SheconfrontsTweed) Youhavegotgifts,Tweed.Whydon'tyougetintoCongressagain? TWEED ImakemoreasaStreetCommissionerinthreemonthsthanIcanmakein Congressinahundredyears.AlltheydoistalkabouttheniggersandIain't interestedinthemnohow.k. AMY Well'I'minterestedingettinganappropriationfromCongress. Howmuchwillitsetmeback? TWEED

(MARKTWAIN) Well.Let'sstartwithamajorityoftheHouseCommittee,say$10,000apiece, $40,000.Alittleextratothechairman,say$10,000that's$50,000,forstarters. Thensevenmalelobbyistsat$3,000each$21,000.Onefemalelobbyist$10,000;a highmoralCongressmanthemoralonescostmorebecausetheygivetonetoa measure,say10at$3,000eachthat's$30,000;thenalotofsmallfrycounty memberswhowon'tvoteforanythingwithoutpay,say20at$500apieceis $10,000;lotsofjimcracksfortheirwivesandchildrenthesegoalongwaysay about$10,000,andpresto;youhaveyourselfanappropriation. (HectorTAPDANCESoutthetally.

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(TweedstepsforwardandsingsGRAFT.Musicup MusicRichmondLyricDavis) TWEED TODAYEVERYWHEREYOUHEARASIMPLELITTLEWORD BUTTHISWORDISBIGGERTHANITLOOKS ITSONEMISTERWEBSTERDIDNTKNOWANDNEVERHEARD WHENHEWROTEHISDICTIONARYBOOKS THESTEAMBOATLINESANDRAILROADS HAVEAMANTOTURNTHETRICK ANDDOCTORSSPLITTHEIRPROFITS IFYOUBRINGTHEMSOMEONESICK ALLPOLITICIANSKNOWIT BUTTHEYHATETOHEARITSOUND FROMMAINETOCALIFORNIA ITSAPOWERINEVERYTOWN LISTENIWILLSPELLITOUTNOWGRAFT INOURCITYHALLSANDLEGISLATUREYOUWILLSEE GRAFTERSBIGANDGRAFTERSSMALL THECOUNTRYSGOINGDAFT FOREVERYBODYWANTSTOGETTHEGRAFTGRAFT GRAFT LightsdownLightsup.VANDERBILT,enters,atopasmalltrain withabannermarkedN.Y.CENTRAL,) VAMDERBILT

BUYErie!BUYErie!BUYErie! (Imiitatingwritingaletter) Gentlemen:Youhaveundertakentocheatme.Iwillnotsueyouforthelawtakes toolong.Iwillruinyou.Sincerelyyours,CorneliusVanderbilt. (Makesflourish.withimaginarypen.Tossespaperaway) HowdidIgetintotherailroadbusiness?BygreasingthepalmsoftheNewYork CityCouncil.Itcostme$50,000butitwasabargainfortheygavemeperpetual, (Herollsitonhistongueagain.) ...perpetualrightsformyNewYorkandHarlemRailroad.Tweedismyman.Ijust havetosnapmyfingers. (HesnapsfingersandlightsgouponTWEEDholdingbothhis handsout.Now,DREWpeddlesinonatrainmarkedErie.He pullsupalongsideVanderbilt.) DREW SellErieSellErieSellErie! VANDERBILT Thedearesttiesonearthtomeareplainlyrailroadties. BuyErie,BuyErie,BuyErie! (Heexits.)

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DREW Vanderbiltistoobigtotakeonalone.NeedmoneymenlikeJAYGOULD AndJIMFISK. (TheysuddenlyappearndjoinDREW) (MUSICUPONTHEQUIET MUSICHOCHNALYRICBURTADDLIEBERMAN) TRIO (Drew)IVEALITTLEPROPOSITIONTHATMAYINTERESTYOUSOME (Fisk)APROPOSITIONANDWHATABOUT? (Drew)ITSAMATTERTHATYOUMUSNTBREATHETOANYONE (Gould)IFITSHONESTPLEASELEAVEMEOUT (Drew)IMGOINGTOTRYTOCORNERALLTHESTOCKINERIESNAME (Fisk)ISCORNELIUSINVITED (Drew)YES,HESTHEONETHATWEWILLTAME NOWICANTAKEYOUWITHMEIFYOURMONEYSONTHELINE (Fisk)WELLITMUSTBEONTHEQUIET (Gould)IFITISNTIDECLINE (Drew)WELLWILLYOUGO? (Fisk&GOULD)WEVEGOTTHEDOUGH (Drew)ITSONTHEQUIET (Fisk&Gould)WELLLETUSGO TRIO ITSONTHEQUIET.ITSONTHESLY ANDNONEMUSTKNOWBUTYOUANDI WEKNOWITSNOTEXACTLYRIGHTTODOIT SOWEDJUSTASSOONTHEPAPERSNEVERKNEWIT SOKEEPITDARKANDVERYMUM DONTSAYAWORDTOANYONE ANDIFYOULIEBESUREANDTRY TOALWAYSLIETHESAMEASI ITSENTRENOUSANDUPTOYOU (Theyallmaketrainnoises) DREW Gladtohaveyouaboard,boys.HaveyouheardthatRandyoldVanderbilt wantstobuyupalltheErieshares? FISK Heshallhaveallhewantsiftheprintingpressdon'tbreakdown. GOULD Foreverytwocentsworthofpaperhe'llpayus$60 (PRESSMANinoverallsbringsinstacksofnewlyprintedpaper. Vanderbiltentersonhistrain,shouting.) VANDERBILT

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GetmeaJudge,Tweed. (TWEEDgoestothepuppetstagemarkedJudiciary.Curtainspart revealingalargesizepuppetwithajJUDICIALrobeon.Tweed disappearsbehindthepuppetstagetoworkthepuppets.) VANDERBILT NowListentome.Judge,IwantaninjunctionforbiddingthesaleofEriestocks. TWEED'SOFFSTAGEVOICE (MovingtheJudgepuppetsmouth) ThisdayI,JudgeBarnardprohibitthesaleandissuanceofanyEriestock. FISK He'sagainstthefreedomofthepress. (Gouldgoestothepuppetstage,reaches inandpullsoutanotherpuppetjudge.) TWEED'SOFFSTAGEVOICE I,JusticeRansomBascombofBinghamptondeclarethatJusticeBarnard'sruling isherebydeclarednullandvoid..IamallowingErieinthenameoffreeenterprise toissuemorestock. (GouldandDrewdancesmerrily.) FISK Getoverhererightquick,youtwo.There'sawarrantoutforourarrest. (Drew,FiskandGouldsitonfloorand simulaterowingtotravellingmusic.) TRIO OvertherivertoJerseygreatPalisades,hello. DREW We'llbeoutofthewayofVanderbilt'sbite. GOULD ^CausehereinNewJerseytheycan'textradite." FISK Andwhoeverdon'tlikeitcangoflyakite. TRIO

NewJerseyherewecornel (Theyincreasepaceoftheirsimulatedrowing.Newsboyrunsin.) NEWSBOY Vanderbiltvowshe'llputtriobehindbars.Gouldsaysherepresentsthe poorerclasses. (GouldapproachesNewsboy,onkneesandblesseshim.)

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DREW Itsurelookslikeastandoff.Wheredowegofromhere? GOULD PackmeavalisewithahalfmillionforAlbanyandputin alittleextrafortheSheriffs. VANDERBILT Tweed,IwanttheEriecrowdstoppedandIdon'tcarewhatitcosts. (Hands,reachoutofthepuppetstage.Gouldand Vanderbiltcompetemadlytofilltheclutchingfingerswithbills. ThecompetingRobberBaronsgettooclosetothefingers,intheir frenzy,aatonepoint,Gould'sthroatisclutched,hestrugglesin silentagony.) NEWSBOY Extra!Vanderbiltwins!SenatedefeatsEriebill83to32. (Gouldtearshimselffree.Gasps) GOULD Nameyourprice...Money'snoobject...We'lltopVanderbilt...Shirtoffmyback... (Gouldbeginstofeedthefingersmoney,thentheshirtoffhis back.Vanderbiltpanics,getstooclose,fingerschokehim.) NEWSBOY Vanderbiltcrushed.EriebillpassesSenate! (SceneendswithVanderbilt'sscreamofrageandloss,.TheTRIO roarswithglee.;BlackoutLightsuponAmy,SethandAlger. AMY

Seenenough.Gentlemen?

SETH Howcomenobodystoppedthosebuzzards? ALGER Wewill.Giveustime.InthemeantimeI'llneverturnmyback.NowSeth... (Hectorcomesdashinginexcitedly.) HECTOR Mr.Alger,I'velearnedagreatsongfor...youknowwho. ALGER Youdon'thaveit...yet? HECTOR

Seth'snotrightforit.He'stooplain

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AMY Youmeanhonest,dontyou? (Hectorstartstoanswer.Algerstopshim) ALGER I'vedecided... (Hepausestheystareathim.) Tohavetheauditionrightnow.NowHectoryou'reaboylookingfor yoursoul.Youhaven'tdecidedifit'sgritorgraft... HECTOR Whydon'tyouaskSethfirstheaintnosaint. ALGER

Hector,areyouasinner?

HECTOR Notme. ALGER Didyoueverdoanythingsoawfulsoterriblethatthe Lordmightrebukeyoufor. HECTOR

NeverIswearit.

ALGER Andyou,Seth? SETH SureI'vedonethingsthatI'mashamedof. ALGER Sohaveweall.Eventhisgreatcountryofours. (Sethnodsinagreement.) MyUncleSamhasgottobesomebodywhoknowshowtocelebrate thegoodthingsaboutthisgreatcountry. (HectortriestointerruptAlgerquietshim.) Buthemustneverforgetthebadthingsthiscountrydidsohecantry tosetitrightand"washthosestainswhiteagain.". HECTOR UncleSamneverdidanythingmeanleastnotthatIcanrecall.Heknowsandso doIthatwerebetterthananyone. (Musicup,hesings"UNCLESAM"byHowardPaul.) ORATIONISEMAYANCIENTGREECEABOUTHERSHATTEREDGLORY

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ANDROMEMAYSPINACLASSICYARNSOMEFIERCEINFLATEDSTORY ANDFRANCEWITHHERNAPLEONSANDREVOLUTIONSMASHES ANDBOULEVARDINHABITANTSALLLINGOANDMOUSTACHES AREWELLENOUGHASCOUNTRIESGO,BUTILLTELLYOUTHENATION TISUNCLESAM,AFAMOUSCHAPANDHEBEATSALLCREATION ANDRUSSIAISOFNOACCOUNTNORMONARCHALEXANDER HELLNEVERSETTHESEAONFIRE,ILLRILEHIMWITHMYCANDOR ANDPRUSSIAINTOACOCKEDHATTHREESTURDYBLOWSWOULD KNOCKIT ANDASFORLITTLEBELGIUM,IDPUTITINMYPOCKET THEREISNOBACKINGOUTTHEFACT.ITNEEDSNOCOGITATION TOTELLTHATUNCLESAMINSIZEIDEMOLISHESCREATION Wereaperfectnation.Nowtryandbeatthat! AMY Showhim,Seth...youknowtheoneaboutthefarm. (Shekisseshimonthecheek.) SETH

Readywhenyouare,Mr.Alger.

ALGER You'dbetterbereadyboy.AndIhopeforalloursakesyoucan bringthebeardhome. SETH (Musicup.UNCLESAMSFARMANON) OFALLTHEMIGHTYNATIONSINTHEEASTORINTHEWEST INTHISGLORIOUSYANKEENATIONWEPUTFREESPEECHTOTHETEST WEHAVEROOMFORALLCREATIONANDOURBANNERISUNFURLED HERESAGENERALINVITATONTOTHEPEOPLEOFTHEWORLD THENCOMEALONG,COMEALONG;MAKENODELAY COMEFROMEVERYNATION;COMEFROMEVERYWAY OURLANDSTHEYAREBROADENOUGH,DONTBE ALARMED FORUNCLESAMISRICHENOUGHTOGIVEUSALLAFARM OURFATHERSGAVEUSLIBERTY BUTLITTLEDIDTHEYDREAM SEYH(cont) THEGRANDRESULTSTHATPOURALONG THISMIGHTYAGEOFSTEAM FORTHENATIONSMUSTREMEMBER THATUNCLESAMISNOTAFOOL FORTHEPEOPLEDOTHEVOTING ANDTHECHILDRENGOTOSCHOOL

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THENCOMEALONG,COMEALONG;MAKENODELAY COMEFROMEVERYNATION;COMEFROMEVERYWAY OURLANDSTHEYAREBROADENOUGH, DONTBEALARMED FORUNCLESAMISRICHENOUGHTOGIVEUSALLAFARM (Whenhe'sfinishedAlgerapplaudswildlyAnimals, starttogrowl) HECTOR Youmaythinkyou'retheboss,HolyHoratio,buttheyknowdifferent. (Pointstocages.) Ain'tthatright.Animals? (Shoutsofapprovalfrom"Animals".) Andthebandthey'rewithmetoo,aintyoufellers? (Soundsofinstrumentsorarpeggioifonlyapiano.) (MusicupHesings"THEMANWITHTHEDOUGH") MUSICTILZERLYRICSTERLING YOUMAYTALKABOUTTHEMANBEHIND THEMANTHAT'SINTHEFRONT THEMANTHATWEARSTHESUITOFBLUE THEMANWHOBEARSTHEBRUNT THEONLYMANTHATICANSEE THEMANTHATSTANDSASHOW ISTHEMANTHATRULESTHEUNIVERSE THEMANTHATHASTHEDOUGH ITSTHEMANWITHTHEMONEY ITSTHEMANWITHTHEDOUFH NOTTHEMANWITHTHEMUSKET ORTHEMANWITHTHEHOE THERESTHEMANINTHEOVERALLS WHYHESTANDSNOSHOW ITSTHEMANWITHTHEDOUGH,DOUGH,DOUGH (AshesingsnewstanzaheopenstheAnimalcagessothatbythe 2ndchorustheyjoinwithhim) . HECTORANDANIMALS WHENTHEWARISRAGINGTHROUGHTHELAND AMIDTHECANNONSROAR THEMANBEHINDTHEGUNISTHERE AROUNDHIMBULLETSPOUR HESFIGHTINGFORHISCOUNTRYSSAKE ONBATTLEFIELDSAFAR THERESAMANTHATALWAYSSITSATHOME ANDSMOKESAGOODCIGAR lTSTHEMANWITHTHEMONEY ITSTHEMANWITHTHEDOUFH

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HECTORANDANIMALS(cont) NOTTHEMANWITHTHEMUSKET ORTHEMANWITHTHEHOE THERESTHEMANINTHEOVERALLS WHYHESTANDSNOSHOW ITSTHEMANWITHTHEDOUGH,DOUGH,DOUGH (TheANIMALSadvancemenacinglyonAlger.Algercracksthe whiptokeepthematbay. ALGER "FreeenterprisemeansfreefromMonopoly" "Respectabilityistherealfortune" "RuggedIndividualismandtohellwithTheTrusts" "Anhonestwagemakestheworkercheerful" "Prosperitymustbedeserved" (Algercrackshiswhipandtheyallreturntotheircages.. Hectorrunsoff.) SETH YoudiditMr.Algeryoushowedthemwhosboss. ALGER Itsjustashow,Seth.Butoutthereintheeverydayworld AMY Theymeantorunthewholeshootingmatch.. (MusicupTHEMANWITHTHEDOUGH). INCOURTONEDAYTWOMEN BEFORETHECOURTWERESLOWLYLED ONEMANHADSTOLENMILLIONS ANDONEASTRIKEHADLED THEMANWHOWONTHEEIGHTHOURDAY GOTTWENTYYEARSINJAIL WHILETHEMANTHATSTOLETHEMILLIONS WASALLOWEDTOGOONBAIL ITSTHEMANWITHTHEMONEY ITSTHEMANWITHTHEDOUGH ITSTHEMANWHOBUSTSUNIONS TELLSTHEMJUSTWHERETOGO THERESTHEMANINTHEOVERALLS WHOSLEARNEDTOSAYNO TOTHEMANWITHTHEDOUGH,DOUGH,DOUGH .Areyoureadytosayno,UNCLE? (HestandsuncertainasLightsslowlydown.) ENDOFACTONE

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ACTTWO TheMediaScreenCartoonsphotosheadlinesthegreatdepressionof1873. Calendarriffsto1884.RepublicanandDemocraticpostersandpicturesofthe Presidentialcandidates.Lightsup.AlgerisonhiskneesfittingSethinan"Uncle Sam"costume.Hehasalltheparaphernaliaofthetailorathisside.Hegazesup admiringlyatSeth,hisfacebeamingwithpleasure,andtalkswhileperformingthe necessaryadjustments. ALGER TheveryminuteIseteyesonyou,IknewIhadtohaveyou,asmyUncleSam. Yougoteveryoneelsebeatacountrymilewithyourphysicalgoodlooks.Never knewamancouldbesohandsomeandsomoralatthesametime. SETH Yourconfidencefitsmeasfineasthisuniform,Mr.Alger. ALGER Yourface...it'samapoffreedom.,Andfromit,youemerge,shiningand radiantasthegreatcountryyounowrepresent. SETH Youmakemefeellikeamiracle,Mr.Alger. ALGER Thatyouare.You'rethegiftandthegiver.You'reaninvitationtotheworld. SETH (MusicuphesingsUNCLESAM'SINVITATIONTOTHEWORLD MUSICANDLYRICSA.TURNBULL) INTIMESTHATTRIEDTHESOULSOFMEN APEOPLETHENWEREFOUND WHOJUSTLYSCORNEDTOWEARTHECHAINS BYWHICHALLSLAVESWEREBOUND TOMAKETHISMIGHTYLANDOFOURS AHOMEFORALLTHEWORLD THENCOMEALONG,COMECROSSTHESEA COLUMBIAISTHENATION, FORTHEHONEST,BRAVEANDFREE THENCOMEYETOILINGMILLIONS LEAVETYRANYSCOMMAND HEREEVERYMANSAMONARCH ANDATILLEROFTHELAND (EnterHector) HECTOR Hey,Seth,takeawalk.I'vegotsomeimportantbusinesswith

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Mr.Alger. ALGER He'sstayingrightherewherehebelongs.I'msorryIcan't saythesameforyou. HECTOR FirsttimeIeverseenyouonyourknees,Horatio. ALGER Youruinedanychanceyoumighthavehad. HECTOR You'reawfullyhandywithasewingneedle.Didyourmother teachyouthingslikethat? ALGER Backofforyou'redueforamightybigfall. HECTOR YouknowallaboutthatfallingbusinessReverend. SETH

AreyouaReverendtoo?

ALGER Gaveitup.Wasn'tmycalling.Oh,inmyyoungerdaysIhadamomentof exaltedtranscendence.Butitpassed.AndIdecidedthatmytruevocation wastoministertotheyoungboysofAmerica. HECTOR

Yousuredidminister. (Sticksouttongueandwetslipsinobscenegesture) ALGER Don'tlikeyourattitude.Hector..Thepeoplepaygoodmoneytolookatmy menagerienotbeeatenbythem.Ihiredyoutotraintheanimalsbutthey seemtohavetrainedyou. HECTOR Wanttocompareyourmoralswithmine.Reverend? ALGER Getout.You'refired.Takeyourtalent,suchasitis,tosomecheap andtastelesssideshow. HECTOR You'dbesurprisedhowmanyentrepreneursoutthereare

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clamoringforaHectorsong (MUSICUP.CANTDOITYEKNOW? JUSTSHOWMEACOUNTRYWHEREWOMENCANVOTE BUTYOUCANTDOITYEKNOW SHOWATRUEIRISHMANWHOWILLWEARAREDCOAT BUTYOUCANTDOITYEKNOW AMARRIEDMANOFTENLOOKSLIKEAGAWK WHOCOMESHOMELATEATNIGHTWITHHISCOATFULLOFCHALK ANDTHINKSHECANSLEEPWHILEHISWIFEWANTSTOTALK BUTHECANTDOITYEKNOW HECANTDOITYEKNOW HECANTDOITYEKNOW WHENHETRIESLOUDTOSNORE SHEWILLTALKMOREANDMORE HECANTDOITYEKNOW HECTOR(cont) Wasntthatgreat? (SILENCE) Iwasthinkingoftakingavacationanywayandgoingtovisit Brewster,Massachusetts. ALGER (Startledbythename) Youknowanybodythere? HECTOR Everybodyismorelikeit.Igotrelatives...churchgoing... ALGER

AnyofyourkinUnitarians?

HECTOR Sure,andhowthatcrowdlovestogossip.TrustingaUnitariantokeep asecretislikeexpectingGroverClevelandtolovehisbastardkin.. ALGER TalkingaboutUnitarianshaseasedmyheart.I'mtakingyou back.Hector.Idon'tlikeactingoutofmeanness,soyou'll haveafewmorenumberstodoandaraise.How'sthat? HECTOR AndifsomethinghappenstoSeth,Imnext.Iwantitinwriting. ALGER Illdothat.Nowifbothofyouwouldrunalong,I'dbemuchobliged. (Theyexit.Stillonhisknees,hepoundsthefloorinfrustration;

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calmsdownandassumesaposeofprayer) OhGod,IthinkHector'isontosomething. (Lookingupward) IknowthatinthedistantBiblicalpastwhatIdidrousedyourterribleanger.ButI hopethatyouhavechangedalongwiththetimes.I'vereformed.I'vegivenitup. I'vebeenverygood.Soplease,I'mpraying,pleasedon'tletitcomeout,the shame...thescandal...Thinkwhatitwoulddotoallmyfaithfulboys.Take pity...havepity.Iaskitinyourname...amen. (MusicITWILLBESUMMERBYANDBY MusicWebsterLyricBates) CRUELANDCOLDISTHEJUDGMENTOFMAN..." CRUELASWINTERANDCOLDASTHESNOW DARKNESSANDTERRORLIETHICKONMYWAY MYFOOTSTEPSKEEPTIMEWITHTHEANGELOFPAIN WINDOFTHEWINTERNIGHT,ECHOMYCRY PRAYFORTHEDAWNOFTHESWEETBYANDBY WINDOFTHEWINTERNIGHTLONELYASI ISTHERE,OH!ISTHEREAGLADBYANDBY PARCHEDLIPSSHALLQUAFFAGAIN SADSOULSSHALLLAUGHAGAIN TRUTHWILLBEVERIFIEDBYANDBY ROSESWILLBLOOMAGAIN SWEETLOVEWILLCOMEAGAIN ALGR(cont) ITWILLBESUMMERTIMEBYANDBY (Lightsout) SCENETWO Onthemediascreen.AstreetinNewYorkCity.PhotographsofNewYorkCity Amyisonasoapboxonwhichasignistacked,WOMENDEMANDTHERIGHT TOVOTE. AMY "Menlovetoseewomenpickupthedrunkandfallen.Thattheywillinglygrant us.Buttobemasterofourcircumstances,thattheyforciblyforbidus".Thoseare thewordsofSusanB.AnthonywhospeakstonightatCooperUnion. Musicup.MARCHINGONTOVICTORY MUSICMOTZANLYRICGREENE) LOBEHOLDAWONDROUSMORNING DAYLIGHTHASCOMEATLAST SEETHOSEBANNERSVOTESFORWOMEN HARKTOTHETRUMPETSBLAST ANDWITHTHEDAWNING THERECOMESAWARNING WOETOTHERULEOFKNAVES WEGAVETHENATIONITSSOLDIERS

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WHYSHOULDWETHENBESLAVES WEAREMARCHINGONTOVICTORY EVERYHEARTISLIGHTFOROURCAUSEIFSRIGHT ANDWEREHERETOFIGHTWITHALLOURMIGHT EVERYMOTHERSSONEVERYLOYALONE SINGTHEPRAISEONLANDANDSEA OFALEGIONMOTHERARMY MARCHINGONTOVICTORY!VICTORY! (WhileAmysings,advancepeoplefromtheAlgershoware tackinguppostersannouncingtheperformancethatnightatthe Hippodrome.EnterHector,dressedlikeadandyoftheperiod, andSethasUncleSam.Amyisangeredbytheirappearance IseetheAlgershowisbackintown.Mr.Algershouldbeondisplayastheman withtwoheads.Withonehepreacheshaaaardworkastheonlymeanstoget ahead,whilewiththeotherhehashisheroesprosperbygoodfortune.Alast minutewillisfoundorabenevolentoldmanshowsupinthenickoftimein shortanythingbuthardwork. (Hectorrecognizesherandapproachessoapbox.) HECTOR MissAmy,comeoffathereandsayhellotoyourtwoboys. AMY Hector?AndisthatSeth?WhatasightSethasUncleSam. SETH

Ilookthepart,don'tI?

HECTOR Hehasthejob...temporarily.We'reinformightybigdoingsandthen we'llneedaSamlikeme. AMY Thatdaywouldbeamightysorryone. HECTOR Onlyforthosesocalledradicalslikeyou. SETH (StartsatHector..Shemotionstoignorehim) I'vethoughtlotsaboutyou,Amy. AMY Alltheseyears? SETH

Andyounever...

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HECTOR Married?Nowcousin,can'tyouseewhatshe'shitchedto? (Musicup.HectorsingsPUTMEUPONANISLAND) MusicandLyricbyLETTERS) ALLTHEBOYSARELONGINGTOBEPUTAMONGTHEGIRLS OHBLESSTHEIRLITTLECURLS THEYREALLRIGHT,ARETHEGIRLS THATSWHENTHEYKEEPTHEMSELVESASGIRLSBUTVERYSADTO STATE THERESSOMELIKEAMYGOTINTOAFIGHTINGMOODOFLATE SOWHENTHEWOMENOFTODAY COMESNEAR,LETMEBEFARAWAY PUTMEUPONANISLANDWHERETHEGIRLSAREFEW PUTMEAMONGSTTHEMOSTFEROCIOUS LIONSINTHEZOO YOUCANPUTMEONATREADMILL ANDILLNEVER,NEVERFRET BUTFORPITYSSAKE,DONTPUTMENEARASUFFRAGETTE (AsinisterlookingMANentersandwavestoHector,whoturns toAmyandSeth . HECTOR Seth,Igotsomeimportantbusinesstoattendto. (Hectorapproachesfellow.SpotonHECTORandMAN)) MAN Haveyougotit? HECTOR It'saknockout.He'llhavenojismleftcomeelectionday. (Makesmasturbatorymotion) MAN You'reamightyfasttunesmith.Nowmum'sthewordcause we'rebothbeingpaidbytheotherparty.

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HECTOR Goeswithoutsaying.Anybodythatwantedtohiremetospreadmanureabout candidateGroverCleveland'shasgottobeaRepublican. (Musicup.HesingsMA,MAWHEREISMYPA?} (Music&LyricROSENFELDNewverseLyricLieberman) T'WASINEIGHTYFOURTHATTHEDEMOCRATSSWORE TOBEINTHEWHITEHOUSETHATYEAR THEYLOOKEDFARANDNEARFORAMANTHEYCOULDCHEER ANDCLEVELANDWASALLYOUCOULDHEAR THENITCAMEOUTTHATTHEIRCANDIDATELOUT HADABASTARDCHILDHEDIDFEAR HECONFESSEDITWASHIS ALLMINE,SOITIS ANDITHURTSMETOHEARHIMSAY;OH MA,MA,WHEREISMYPA UPINTHEWHITEHOUSEDARLING MAKINGTHELAWS WORKINGTHECAUSE UPINTHEWHITEHOUSEDEAR (Speaks) HehasnowbecomeourPresident,showingthattheAmericanpubliccaresmore aboutitspocketbookthanhispotency. (Sings) HISPAWONINSPITEOFHISCONGRESSTHATNIGHT BUTFORTOMTHERESNOWHITEHOUSEDUE HESAIDWITHAGRINTHATWASBRIMFULOFSIN WHATSAPOORLITTLEBASTARDTODO HESSOFULLOFGRIEF,NOHOPEOFRELIEF HECALLSFORHISGROVERINVAIN;OH MA,MA,WHEREISMYPA UPINTHEWHITEHOUSEDARLING MAKINGTHELAWS WORKINGTHECAUSE UPINTHEWHITEHOUSEDEAR (Whensongisover,ManhandshimmoneyandHectorgiveshim songsheet.LightsdownquicklyanduponAmyandSeth) SETH Everthinkofsettlingdown? AMY Notwhentheressomuchtodo:Women'ssuffrage,the8hourday,therightsof theformerblackslaves. (EnterJim,FiskandJayGould.TiptheirhatstoAmy) FISK&GOULD

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Goodmorning.MissAmy AMY Whoareyoufleecingtoday,gentlemen? FISK&GOULD Financiersneverfleecemydear.Theymayonoccasionforceafailureortwo.N. (Hectordashesin.Recognizesthem) HECTOR Iknowwhoyoutwoare.JimFiskandJayGould. ( (Takestheirhandandshakesit). ImHectorandyou'relookingatsomeone,whowilldoanythingyoumightask. GOULD Anything?Tellmehowyou'dtameawildbear? HECTOR I'dgethimabullhecouldsettledownwith. (GouldandFiskchuckle.) GOULD

Whodoyouworkfornow?

HECTOR Mr.Alger,sir. GOULD HecranksthemoutfasterthanIprintdollars. HECTOR Excepthedon'tthinkbig.Infacthehates"big". FISK Butbigiswhat'scomingdownthetracks. GOULD Ihopeheknowsenoughtogetoutoftheway. AMY Whathappenstothosecaughtonthetracks? FISK Oh,thosepoor.Welltheymustbelookedtoifyoucantell whoarethetrulypoor. (Musicup.FiskandGouldsingJIMFISK) (Music&LYRICBYJ.SGOULDLyricLieberman)

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LETMESPEAKOFTHISMAN,THISMANTHATYOUSEE ASGOODAMAN,ASEVERWASBORN JIMFISKISMYNAMEANDMYMONEYIGAVE TOTHEOUTCAST,THEPOORANDFORLORN WEALLKNOWTHATILOVEBOTHWOMENANDWINE BUTMYHEARTITISTRUE,TAKEMYWORD BUTCHICAGSGREATFIRESHOWEDTHEWORLDTHATJIMFISK SHAREDMYWEALTHANDREMEMBEREDTHEPOOR IFAMANISINTROUBLEILLHELPHIMALONG TODRIVETHEGRIMWOLFFROMTHEDOOR ISTROVETODOTHERIGTTHING THOIMAYHAVEDONEWRONG BUTINEVERWENTBACKONTHEPOOR

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GOULD JAYGOULDISMYNAME,NOHEARTONMYSLEEVE ANDDONTCAREWHATPEOPLEMIGHTSAY THEDIFFERENCEILLSHOWTWIXTMYWORKERSANDME ISTHATTHEYHAVENOPOWER,YOUSEE IDIDALLOFMYDEEDSBOTHTHEGOODANDTHEBAD ANDDIDITMYVERYOWNWAY ILIVELIKEAPRINCEINMYPALACESOFINE HERESFREEADVICEIPRACTICEEACHDAY DONTDOANYFAVORS,FORFRIENDORFOE ANDMAKESURETOSHOWYOULOVEGREED WHOEVERSTANDSINYOURWAY MAKESURETHATMANWILLPAY ANDALWAYSGOBACKONTHEPOOR (FiskandGouldarmandarmexit) HECTOR Amy,willyoucometoourshowtonight.Please,foroldtime'ssake. AMY I'llgotoyourshowifyouletmeescortyoutomine. HECTOR Andwhat'sthenameofyourlittle AMY Mylittlebigshow?It'scalledWallStreet. (OntheMediascreenweseephotographsandadvertisements aboutNewYorkCity.Wallst.Stockexchange) WhereHogsrunwildandspeculationisthestyle. (Musicupshesings"INOLDWALLSTREET" ` MusicHOCHNALyricBURT) INOLDNEWYORKTOWNTHERESASTREETOFRENOWN THATISONLYASTEPFROMBROADWAY YOUMUSTALLKNOWITSNAMEFROMFRISCOTOMAINE THEYWATCHWHATITSUPTOEACHDAY SOWHENBUSINESSLOOKSBADANDTHEBANKBOOKLOOKSSAD FROMTHISQUIETLITTLESTREETKEEPAWAY INWALLSTREEYOULLFINDYOUCANLOSEBOTHYOURMIND ANDYOURMONEYASWELLINADAY FORITSUPANDDOWNINWALLSTREET INWALLSTREET,INWALLSTREET WALLSTREETISWHERETHEBULLANDTHEBEAR INVITEMR.LAMBTOSTEPINTOTHEIRLAIR ANDTHEYFLEECEYOUGOODINWALLSTREET ITSUNDERSTOODINWALLSTREET

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UNLESSHESABULL,THEYWILLGATHERHISWOOL DOWNINOLDWALLSTREET (Atendofsonglightsout,anduponAlger..Hepacesbackandforthnervously occasionallystoppingtocheckhisringmastercostume.Sethenters.) ALGER Theshow'sgoingoninacoupleofminutes.Wherehaveyoubeen? SETH

VisitingAmy.

ALGER Yousoundlikeyou'regettingreadytoleaveme. SETH

Whatgaveyouthatidea?

ALGER Tobehonest,I'mtheonethat'sthinkingofleavingyou.. SETH

IsitbecauseofHector?

ALGER Partly.Butit'salotbiggerthanhim. SETH Doesithaveanythingtodowiththatplacehetalksabout? ALGER Hashesaidanythingtoyou? SETH No,butyourfaceturnedwhitewhenhementionedBrewster. Why,Mr.Alger? ALGER

That'showshamelooks,Seth.

SETH Ashamedofwhat? ALGER Ijustfinishedabookmylastoneandinitthere'saboywho'skidnappedby acoupleofscoundrels...whodresshimlikeagirlsohecan'tberecognized.And thentheytellhimthathe'llbecommittedtoaninsaneasylumifanyonefindsout thathe'saboy.Whatdoyouthinkofthat,Seth?

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Whyadress? SETH

ALGER Sohedlookdifferent. SETH Ifitwasme,Idfeelterribleandashamed. ALGER Supposethatboygottolikeputtingondresses? SETH

Youmeanactinglikeawoman?

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ALGER Whatifhecouldnthelpit?Wouldyoulockhimupinaninsaneasylum? becauseofthat? SETH Ifthat'swhatittooktocurehim,sure,Idhelphim. ALGER

You'remyUncleSam,allright.

(HeputshismouthtoSeth'searandbeginstowhisper.Hegoesonforafew momentsasSethlistens,hismouthopeninamazement.Lightsslowlyfade. CenterstagelightsupasHectorentersfortheintroduction.) HECTOR Andnow...thatgrandoldtimer.Thekingofyesterday,HoratioAlger,Jr. (AlgerentersOnTheMediaScreenweseephotographsthat reflectthefeminineidealoftheday.) ALGER Tonightisladiesnight,ladiesandgentlemen.Americassweetheart.Godblessher! (Musicup.Algersings"WOMANLOVELYWOMAN" (Music&LyricbyMcGLENNON) THEREISANOLDFAMILIARTHEMEWOMANLOVELYWOMAN SUBJECTFORPOETSORPAINTERSDREAMWOMANLOVELYWOMAN WHOMDOWETHIBNKAREWITHOUTSPECKORFLAW THEPRETTIESTCREATURESTHATEVERWESAW WOMANLOVELYWOMAN BUTWHOHASFARMORETHANHERFAIRSHAREOFJAW WOMANLOVELYWOMAN WHOSALWAYSTRUETOUSWOMANWOMAN WHOSTICKSLIKEGLUETOUSWOMANWOMAN SINCETHEWORLDBEGAN WHOLOVESTOCUTADASH WHOLIKESTOSPENDTHECASH BUTWHOHASTOPAYTHEDAMAGE MANPOORMAN MAN(GARDNER) (Singlespot.Maninwhitecoatappears.Hestandsbeforean anatomysketchofawoman,withgenitalsdraped.Hehasa pointerandputsitunderneaththedrape) Theerethismofthewomanknowsnoboundaries,andifImaybesoboldtoput mywarninginlayterms;theexcitementofthefemaleorgansisendless. MAN(GRAHAM)

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(Lightsout.Uponanothermaninwhitecoat) Iwouldliketoofferthispracticaladvicetomarriedcouples.Sexualactivityis bestpracticednomorethanonceamonthorthefollowingisboundtooccur. Muscularrelaxationdepressionofspiritslossofappetiteindigestion faintnessandsinkingatthepitofthestomachheadachehypochondriahysteria impairedvisionlossofsightweaknessofthelungspulmonaryconsumption disordersofthegenitalorgansspinaldiseasesweaknessofthebrainlossof memoryepilepsyinsanityapoplexymorbiddispositionsandearlydeathof MAN(GRAHAM)(cont) offspring.These,alas,arethetoocommonevilswhicharecausedbysexualexcess betweenhusbandandwife." (LightsoutandontheMediaScreenweseevariousadsforthe LydiaPinkhamCompound) MEDIASCREEN LYDIAE.PINKHAM'SVEGETABLECOMPOUNDISAPOSITIVECURE FORALLTHOSEPAINFULCOMPLAINTSSOCOMMONTOOURBEST FEMALEPOPULATION.ITREVIVESTHEDROOPINGSPIRITS,GIVES FIRMNESSTOTHESTEP,RESTORESNATURALLUSTRETOTHEEYE, ANDPLANTSONTHEPALECHEEKOFTHEWOMANTHEFRESHROSES OFLIFE'SSPRINGANDEARLYSUMMERTIME.REJOICEA PAINLESSREMEDYISFOUND. (TwoWomen(Meninwomensclothesenterwithapicketfence pieceoverwhichtheywilltalktoeachother) FIRSTWOMAN

(Drinkingfrombottle) Thisstuffsuretastesgood.Itakesomeeverynight.

SECONDWOMAN Evenmyhusbandlikesit.Saysittastesjustlikewhisky. FIRSTWOMAN (Readslabel.) Tellhimhe'scrazy.There'sonly18%alcoholinit. SECONDWOMAN Eighteenpercent! (Bothdrinkheavilyaslightsdown.NewadonScreen) MEDIASCREEN THEGREATESTMEDICALDISCOVERYSINCETHEDAWNOFTIME, THEHEALTHOFWOMENISTHEHOPEOFTHERACE. (InallcornersofstageappearmendressedasWOMEN) MRS.SMITH IwasneardeathtillItriedyourCompound!

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MRS.JONES I'mgladtobeawomanagain! MRS.JACKSON Myhusbandlovesmeagain! (Voicesarespedupuntilitbecomesacackle.LADIES stepforwardandinchorusspeak) LADIES(MEN) Elsiehadnochildren Therewasnothinginherblouse Soshetooksomevegetablecompound Nowtheymilkherwiththecows. (Musicup.WE'LLSHOWYOUWHENWEGOTOVOTE} .MUSICANDLYRICBYW.SPENSER LADIES(MEN)(cont) OHHOWWESUFFER,MAIDSANDWIVES ALTHOUGHOURWANTSAREVERYSLIGHT SADANDDREARYAREOURLIVES NOWWHOCANSAYITSRIGHT WERESNUBBEDATNIGHT,WERESNUBBEDATMORN ANDLOOKEDUPONTHESAMEASSLAVES WERETREATEDOFTWITHCONTEMPTANDSCORN BYTHEMEN,THECRUELKNAVES OH,SADISTHELIFEOFWOMANKIND TRODUNDERFOOTWEVEALWAYSBEEN BUTWHENWEVOTE,YOUWILLFIND THATWELLFIXTHESETERRIBLEMEN ALGER Andnow,heresyourveryownUncleSam. (SethentersinUncleSamcostume Musicup.ANAMERICANALWAYSPANSOUT MusicandLyricSPENSERRevisedLyricLieberman) SETH ANSMERICANALWAYSPANSOUTPANSOUT SENDSADEADLOCKWITHEASEUPTHESPOUTTHESPOUT FORHESAILSRIGHTINANDISSURETOWIN HESSUBLIMEFORHEALWAYSPANSOUTPANSOUT THEAMERICANWAYTOPANOUTPANOUT ISNEVERTOSHOWANYDOUBTNODOUBT YOUCOMEINWITHGUNSBLAZING.GIVETHEBADGUYSAHAZING WHENYOURUNCLESAMWINSWEPANOUTPANOUT OHJAPANHASBEGUNTOPANOUTPANOUT COMMODOREPERRYBROUGHTITABOUTABOUT

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TWASANAVYGAMEWHILEOURBOATSTOOKDEADAIM FORBIGCANONSARESURETOPANOUTPANOUT HESAIDOPENYOURDOORFORTRADEFORTRADE JAPANSROYALTYNOWHASITMADEITMADE FORNIPPONSAGREATCATCHANDNOSHOOTINGMATCH ANAMERICANALWAYSPANSOUT (WhenthesongisoverthemediascreenblinksINTERMISSION. Sethexits.HectorburstsinonAlger,whouponseeinghimgives Hectorapainedlook.Hectorstartstoputblackmakeuponface) HECTOR

Doyoulikethismakeup?

ALGER It'samockery.Takeitoff. HECTOR Nottillyouveheardmysong. (Musicup.HectorsingsCOONCOONCOON (MusicFriedmanLyricJefferson) ALTHOUGHITSNOTMYCOLLAR,IMFEELINGMIGHTYBLUE IVEGOTALOTOFTOUBLE,ILLTELLITALLTOYOU IMCERTAINLYDISGUSTEDWITHLIFEANDTHATSAFACT HECTOR(cont) BECAUSEMYHAIRISWOOLYANDBECAUSEMYCOLORSBLACK MYGALSHETOOKANOTIONAGAINSTTHECOLOREDRACE SHESAIDIFIWOULDWINHER,IDHAVETOCHANGEMYFACE SHESAIDIFSHESHOULDWEDME,THATSHEDREGRETITSOON ANDNOWIMSHOOK,YES,GOODANDHARD BECAUSEIAMACOON COON!COON!COON! IWISHMYCOLORWOULDFADE ALGER Thatsit.Iveheardenough. HECTOR It'stheverylatestinTinPanAlley.Coonsongsallovertheplace.There's onecalled"EveryRaceHasaFlagButtheCoon."Ain'tthatascream ALGER That'senough.Hector.Thisshow'sdrawingthelinewhen itcomestothatkindoftrash. HECTOR

Areyoucallingmysongtrash?

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ALGER Idon'tliketorepeatmyself. HECTOR AndIlikedoingit.Brewster...Brewster...Brewster.Ithink Igotmearealhitthere."IOnceKnewaRoosterinBrewster ALGER Stopyourcrowing,boy.It'llbeyourwordagainstmine. HECTOR Imlikeyou,sir.Isettleonlyfortheprintedpage. (Takesoutpaper.) ALGER Whathaveyougotthere? HECTOR Somethingyouwouldn'twantanyoneelsetosee.Sobea goodfellowandsay,"Hector,Ilovethattune.I'mgoing tofeatureitintheshowwithyouasUncleSam". ALGER Thesongisout.IsthatwhatyoufoughttheCivilWarfor,soyou canplayatbeingblack? HECTOR Itsgoodcleanfun.Notlikeyours.Doingthingstolittleboys,Reverend. ALGER Boysmakethingsup.Iwastryingtobenicetothem HECTOR Theydon'tthinkyouwereniceatall.InfacttheUnitarians ALGER

Givemethatpaper. (Snatchesitandtearsitup.Hectortakesanotherout.) HECTOR Theprintingpressisalovelything.It'sagoodtoolofjustice.Forinstance, this...HoratioAlger,Jr.hasbeenchargedwiththeabominableandrevoltingcrime ofunnaturalfamiliaritywithboys"whichhedidntdenyandhastilyleft townonthenexttrainforpartsunknown. (AsHectorreadsthechargestoAlger,ourfamousauthorforboys unabletohearanymore,putshishandstohisearsandrunsoff withHectorinpursuitreadingfromtheUnitarianChurch

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resolutionadocumentwhichcanbefoundintheirarchives. Lightsout.ONTHEMEDIASCREEN1898weseeheadlines announcingtheSpanishAmericanwar.Headlinesphotosof andaboutthewarappearAninstrumentalversionofthesong "DEWEYATMANILA"isheard) HECTOR Forthefinaleofourextravaganza,letuswelcomeSenatorHenryCabotLodgeas headdressestheCongressontheAmericanfuture. (LightsuponSenatorLodge) LODGE "Wehavearecordofconquest,colonizationandexpansionunequalledbyany peopleinthe19thcentury.Wearenotabouttobecurbednow.FromtheRio GrandetotheArticOceanthereshouldbeoneflag.Andforthesakeofour commercialsupremacyinthePacificweshouldcontroltheHawaiianIslands." (Thereisloudapplause,followedbyanuptempointroof"THE MANWITHTHEDOUGH",andoncomeSethandHector) SETH Isn'tfreetradewonderful? HECTOR HeardyoujustvisitedtheJapsHow'dyoufindthem? SETH Undertheirkimonos. HECTOR

Didtheircolorbotheryou?

SETH Ohno.Yellowgoesverywellwithgreen. HECTOR Towhatdoyouattributetheirsuccess? SETH Theyknowhowtocutoverhead;thatswhytheyresoshort.

HECTOR Butarenttheyabitqueer? SETH

Onlywhenyoulookatthem. (HectorpullsatSethscheekstogethimtosmile)

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HECTOR Andnow,heresourtemporaryUNCLESAM. SETH (Musicup.SethsingsAMERICA'STHEBABY Music&LyricKINSBERGEN) DIDANYLANDGIVEBIRTHTOAMANOFSTERLINGWORTH LIKEWASHINGTON,WHOSENAMEWESOREVERE THEFATHEROFOURCOUNTRY,THEBRAVESTOFTHEBRAVE IMMORTALINOURMEMORYEVERDEAR WEVESHERMAN,GRANT,ANDSHERIDAN,THEIREQUALNEVERSEEN WEREEVERFIRSTANDFOREMOSTINHEFIGHT ANDEDISONWHOSESCIENCEISTHEWONDEROFTHEAGE ILLUMINATESTHEWHOLEWORLDWITHHISLIGHT STILLAMERICASTHEBABY OLDENGLANDISITSSIRE WHILEOLDERNATIONSARETHEGRANDPASTRUE BUTTHEBABYWITHITSFAME ANDITSPUREUNTARNISHEDNAME CANTEACHPAANDGRANDPASJUSTATHINGORTWO (Lightsdown.OntheMediaScreenweseeheadlinesonthe sinkingofthebattleshipMaine.Photosofperiodshowingagitation forwar,Anewsboyrunsonstageshouting"ExtraExtra".) NEWSBOY OhSpain,OhSpain;CowardlySpain WhydidyoublowupourbattleshipMaine? (AtsoundofExtraallANIMALSinbusinessdresscomeonstage andsurroundSethwhilethenewsboyisspeaking.Theystart tospinhimaround) ANIMALS ComeonUncleSam,whatareyouwaitingfor? (MusicupUNCLESAM,TELLUSWHYYOUAREWAITING?) MUSICANDLYRICROSENFIELD) UNCLESAM,TELLUS,WHYYOUAREWAITING? HEARYOUNOTTHECALLTOARMS FOROURNOBLELANDHASBEENBENEATH THETYRANTSSWAYANDPOWER THATBINDPOORCUBASSONS LETTHEMHAVETHEAIDOFFAIRCOLUMBIA THROUGHTHEMIGHTOFYANKEEGUNS DOWNWITHTHEFOESWHOSLEWOURHEROES DOWNWITHTHESPIESOFTREACHROUSSPAIN DOWNWITHTHEIRSHIPSINSHELLANDFIRE LETSAVENGEOURGALLANTMAINE

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ANIMALS(CONT) THOWEDIEUPONTHEFIELDOFBATTLE LETOURCOURAGENEVERLAG ANDSTRIKE!STRIKE!STRIKE!INFREEDOMSNAME,LADS FORTHEHONOROFOURCOUNTRYANDOURFLAG (SethasUNCLESAMlooksattheAnimalsandstands bewildered.TheAnimalspushhimtowardsoneanotherasSeth keepsshakinghishead.Hectorrunsoffstageandcomesbackwith anAmericanflag,Musicup. WELLBETHEREUNCLESAMMY (MUSICPRYORLYRICDEVEREUX HECTOR WEREJUSTWAITINGUNCLESAMMYWEREAWAITINGYOURCOMMAND ANDWEREREADY,UNCLESAMMY,JUSTTOSHOWYOUWHEREWE STAND WEREWATCHINGFORYOURSIGNAL,WHENYOUFLASHITWELLBE THERE RAISEYOURFINGER,WELLNOTLINGER.WELLBETHERE WELLBETHERE,UNCLESAMMY.WELLBETHERE WELLBETHEREUNCLESAMMYWELLBETHERE TELLTOUSTHEOLD,OLDSTORY THATYOUNEEDUSFOROLDGLORY WELLBETHEREUNCLESAMMY.WELLBETHERE (Lightsdown.OntheMediaScreenweseeheadlines.War Declared,PhotosofTeddyRooseveltandarmymarching. AbuglesoundsandaSAILORenterswithhisGIRLFRIEND. Lightsup.) SAILER Don'tyouworry.Thiswarwillbeoverinawink.AndI'llbringyouback somethinggrandapalmtreeormaybeabeach. (MusicupHesingsMYFAREWELLDON'TMEANGOODBYE. MUSICWALTERSLYRICFEIST SAILER FAREWLLSWEETHEARTMINEIMUSTGO MYHEARTACHESTOLEAVEYOUBEHIND MYBOATSINTHEHARBORYOUKNOW ANDCALLSMETHOFATESEEMSUNKIND IVEBUTONEREQUESTEREILEAVEYOU ANDTHATISREMEMBERYOUAREMINE WHENTHESHIPRETURNSINSPRING THEENTIREWORLDWILLSING ASIDIDINAULDLANGSYNE MYFAREWLLDONTMEANGOODBYESWEETHEART ANDIWILLCONSTANTBE

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MYLOVEFORYOUWILLNEVERDIE WHETHERHEREOROUTATSEA ASAILORSHEARTISSTAUNCHANDTRUE,SWEEHEART YOULLSELDOMHEARHIMSIGH BUTFORYOUILLYEARNTILLMYRETURN MYFAREWELLDONTMEANGOODBYE

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(SailorandGirlFriendexit.EnterHectorpullingareluctantSeth. Onvariouspartsofstagefiguresappear.Theirnames appearontheMEDIASCREEN) CHARLESELLIOTNORTON Andnowofasudden,withoutcooldeliberation,withoutprudentpreparation, thenationishurriedintowar,andAmerica,unsheatheshersword,compelsa weakandunwillingnationtoafight,rejectingwithoutdueconsiderationher earnestandrepeatedofferstomeeteverylegitimatedemandoftheUnitedStates. Itisabitterdisappointmenttotheloverofhiscountry;itisaturningbackfromthe pathofcivilizationtothatofbarbarism. (Sailorenters..MUSICUP)) SAILOR (Musicup.DEWEYATMANILA MUSICTREVELANLYRICVAIL) OURUNCLESAMSBRAVEDEWEYSAILEDWITHAVALIANTBAND TOCAPTURESPAINSDOMINIONSTILLPEACETHEYCOULDCOMMAND OLYMPIALEDTHESQUADRONINTOTHEBAYTHATNIGHT THEYPASSCORREGIDORISLAND,NOTASPANISHSHIPINSIGHT ALLPEACEFULLYTHEYGLIDEDUPONTHESILVERYDEEP ANDEVERYEYEWASUPONAVIGILANTWATCHTOKEEP HARKHARKASHOTFROMTHEENEMY ASQUICKASLIGHTNINGSPED THENTHEDEWCOMMENCED AFALLENFALLINGFROMOVERHEAD OREMEMBERTHEMAINEWHENYOUSINGTHISREFRAIN SINGTENDERLYOVERAGAIN ONTHEFIRSTOFMAYINMANILABAY TWILLALWAYSBEDEWEYTHEYSAY (EnterAmy.Lightsout.OnMediascreen) MEDIASCREEN TotalnumberofmenandofficerssenttothePhilippinestoJuly16,1902,127,938 Diedofdisease,2,582 Diedofaccidents,131 Drowned,263 Suicides,82 Murders,92 Totalofficersandmenkilledanddiedofwounds,1,005 AMY GeneralBellreportedthemortalityintheislandofLuzonalonefromslaughter anddiseasewasover600,000.Wehavebeenmischievouslymisledandhavebeen keptintherealmoffancyinsteadoffact.Weneednothererehearsethechapterof tortures,whichhasmadeussick,northeshamefuldetailsofparticular

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engagements;buttheseimpressivesumtotalsitisimportantforallofusto remember.Thehourissurelynearwhenthehistorywhichwehavebeenmaking intheseyearswillcomeupforsternandjustreviewbeforethereturningsanity andconscienceofthenation (Lightsdown.Musicup.Hectorenters.YANKEEBOODLE MUSICJEROMELYRICSCHWARTZ)

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HECTOR YANKEEDOODLE,DOODLE WASONCETHEPROPERTHING BUTNOWITSYANKEEBOODLE ITSTHEONLYSONGWESING WITHYANKEEDOODLEDANDY THEWISEONESNOWARETHROUGH WITHOUTTHEYANKEEBOODLE WHATWOULDYANKEEDOODLEDODO (Lightsout.LightsuponMckinley.NameonMEDIASCREEN) PRESIDENTWILLIAMMCKINLEY IdidntwantthePhilippinesTheycametous,asagiftfromthegods,Ididnot knowwhattodowiththem....IwentdownonmykneesandprayedtoAlmighty Godandonenight,itcametome..:WecouldnotgivethembacktoSpainthat wouldbecowardlyanddishonorable;wecouldnotturnthemovertoFranceor Germanyourcommercialrivals.Wecouldnotleavethemtothemselvesthey wereunfitforselfgovernment.Therewasnothingleftforustodobuttotake themall,andtoeducatetheFilipinos,andupliftandcivilizeandChristianize them,andbyGodsgracedotheverybestwecouldbythem,asourfellowmenfor whomChristalsodied.AndthenIwenttobed,andwenttosleep,andslept soundly. Lightsout.HectortriestotakeSethoff.Hedoesnotbudge.Amy entersMUSICUPGRAFT(Reprise) AMY OURFLAGNOWISFIRMLYPLANTEDINTHEPHILLIPINES THEBOYSINTHEARMYPUTITTHERE. THEPOINTISTOEDUCATETHENATIVES,SOITSEEMS ANDALSOHELPTHEMILLIONAIRES. WE'REBUILDINGSCHOOLSTOHELPTHELITTLENATIVESHOWTOREAD THEDAILYPAPERSSOTHATTHEYCANHEAROFGRAFTANDGREED. THEYGETANEDUCATIONFROMYOURUNCLESAMMY'SHAND WHILEUNCLE,WITHHISOTHERHAND,POLITELYGETSTHEIRLAND THEPLACETOGETTHEMONEYNOWISTHEPHILLIPINES, WHAT'STHEDIFFERENCEIFTHESOLDIERSLIVEONPORK ANDBEANS? THEYCANDOTHEFIGHTING,GETTHEGLORYORTHE WOE, WHILETHEMILLIONAIRSAREGETTINGALLTHEDOUFH, DOUGH,DOUGH. SETH (ToAlger) Mr.Alger,youchangedmypart.ThisAINTmyUncleSam.Ican'tsaytheselies anymore.Itsticksinmycraw.Iquit. (Hestormsoffstage)

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ALGER Theremustbesomemistake,folks.Youknowallthisisnewtome;havingtodeal withmonopoliesandEmpire,andall...ThisisnotmyAmerica. (MORGANentersandapproachesAlgermenacinglythenslaps himonback.)

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MORGAN Gotsomethingforyou,Horatio. (TakesoutwatchandhandsittoAlger,) Solidgold...forailthegoodworkyou'vedoneonourbehalf. ALGER (Readinginscriptiononwatch.) ForH.Alger,onhisretirement.It'snotright.Whatwillhappentomypoorboys. GOULD (MotionsforHector.Putsarmaroundhim) Heresoneofyourboysthatllbeourfuture. HECTOR Forallthemothers,whogavetheirsonsasanactofpatriotism. (MusicupHectorsingsTHEBLUEANDTHEGREY.) MusicandLyricDRESSER) AMOTHERSGIFTTOHERCOUNTRYSCAUSEISASTORYYETUNTOLD SHEHADTHREESONS,THREEONLYSONSEACHWORTHHISWEIGHTIN GOLD SHEGAVETHEMUPFORTHESAKEOFWARWHILEHERHEARTWAS FILLEDWITHPAIN ASEACHWENTAWAYSHEWASHEARDTOSAY HEWILLNEVERRETURNAGAIN ONELIESDOWNINAPPOMATOXMANYMILESAWAY ANOTHERSLEEEPSATCHICKAMAUGUA ANDTHEYBOTHWORESUITSOFGREY MIDTHESTRAINSOFDOWNINDIXIE THETHIRDWASLAIDAWAY INATRENCHINSANTIAGO.THEBLUEANDTHEGREY HECTOR (GoestoAlgertriestoputArmaroundhisshoulder.Alger pusheshimaway) Timeandthenewagehavefinallycaughtupwithourgreatscribbler.Nowoldage isgrandinMr.Morgan'swinecellar.Butforthoseofusthatarenotbottles, growingoldmeansgettingoutoftheway.Andsolet'ssendthispriceless Americanthoroughbredtopasture. (Applauseisheard.Algerstepsforwardandholdshishandsup forquiet.) ALGER Imnotgoing.Anddontyouthievingbullsandbearstrytomakemeyourversion oftheAmericanMythbecauseImgoingtoendyourshamefuluseofyoungboys andgirlsinyourminesandfactories. (SethentersandshakeshandswithAlger

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AMY Thankyou,Horatio.NowLadiesandGentlemen,letuscelebratethenewcentuary byrededicatingourselveswithNINETYANDNINE ALLIANCEANDLABORSONGSTER1891)

AMY(cont) BYTHESWEATOFTHEIRBROWSTHEDESERTBLOOMS ANDTHEFORESTBEFORETHEMFALLS THEIRLABORHASBUILDEDHUMBLEHOMES ANDCITIESWITHLOFTYHALLS BUTTHEONEOWNSCITIESANDHOMESANDLANDS WHILETHENINETYANDNINEHAVEEMPTYHANDS WHILETHENINETYANDNINEHAVEEMPTYHANDS (AstheysingHectormotionsfortheMaestrotostartplayinghis musicandhesingsachorusofTHEBOODLEtotryanddrown themout). HECTOR ITSMONEYMYBOYSMAKESTROUBLESANDJOYS INPOLITICSCHURCHORTHELAW THEWORSHIPOFGOLDASTORYQUITEOLD ASTORYTWICETOLDOSABORE NOWSOLDIERSMAYCRY WEREWILLINGTODIE FORLIBERTYJOYOUSANDFREE WHILEWEEVERYWHERE ALLCRYTOTHEAIR THEBOODLETHEBOODLEFORME (AnimalsentertojoinHector) HECTORANDANIMALS THEBOODLETHEBOODLETHEBOODLETHEBOODLEFOR ME HOLDONWITHAGRIPANDNEVERLETSLIP THEBOODLE,HEBOODLEFORME (HectorandtheANIMALSsurroundAlger,SethandAmy.Alger crackswhiptotrytokeepAnimalsatbay.TheAnimalsturnon Algerandcirclearoundhim.Algercrackshiswhipfuriouslyin ordertoensuresomeorderinthedevelopingchaos.Seth,sensing thedangerraiseshisvoice.) SETH YouleaveMr.Algeralone.Allheevertriedtodoisgivesomehopetoyoung boys. (AstheAnimalsadvanceonAlger,hecrackshiswhipagainand

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again.Ashedidearlier,hedrawshispistolandbeginstohurl hoarseverbalslogansattheattackingAnimals.) "FreeenterprisemeansfreefromMonopoly" "Don'tletprosperityhardenyourhearts" "Respectabilityistherealfortune" "RuggedIndividualismandtohellwithTheTrusts" "Anhonestwagemakestheworkercheerful" "Greedhardenstheheart

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(SlowlytheAnimalscompletetheiradvance.Thelightsgrow lowerandlower.Finally,withascream,Algerfallstothefloor, deadafteronefinalshudder.SethandAmyliesprawledouton thefloor.TheUncleSamhatliesonthefloorSilence.Shadows. TheAnimalscrouchattheedgeofthestage.Suddenlyoutofthe silence,webegintoheardeepAnimalbreathingoverthe loudspeakers.Hectorwho'swatcheditall,humsthechorusofthe BOODLEashelooksatAlger'scorpse.HetakesAlger'sgold watchfromhispocketandlistenstoitsticking.HepicksupSeth's UncleSamshatandputsitatophishead. HECTOR (MusicupYANKEEBOODLEREPRISE) MONEYMAKEOUREMPIRE MONEYRULESTHEEARTH PEOPLEONLYSEEYOU JUSTFORWHATYOUREWORTH IFYOUHAVENTMONEYSIMPLYFADEAWAY MONEYISTHEONLYTHING THATSINDEMANDTODAY YANKEEDOODLE,DOODLE WASONCETHEPROPERTHING BUTNOWITSYANKEEBOODLE ITSTHEONLYSONGWESING WITHYANKEEDOODLEDANDY THEWISEONESNOWARETHROUGH WITHOUTTHEYANKEEBOODLE WHATWOULDYANKEEDOODLEDODO (Inthegatheringdark,theunblinkingeyesofthestaringAnimalsbegintoglow likesilverdollars.Lightsout). THEEND

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(MUSICUPIWISHIDBEENBORNAGIRL MUSIC&LYRICBYH.ANGELO ALGER IWISHTHATIDBEENBORNAGIRL YOUDBESTBELIEVEITSTRUE IWOULDNTPUTONAIRS.OHNO! ASMOSTOFYOUNGGIRLSDO IWISHTOBEAPLAINYOUNGMISS WITHLOTSOFBOYSTOKISS ANDNOTAFIXEDUPSHOWYFLIRT LIKESOMEINASHORTSKIRT IWISHTHATIDBEENBORNAGIRL YOUBELIEVEITTRUE IWOULDNTPUTONAIRSOJNO! ASMOSTYOUNGGIRLSDO

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WHENARUNONABANKCANTPANOUTPANOUT THEDIRECTORSALLDOWNWITHTHEGOUTTHEGOUT THEIRDELMONICODINNERSTHENFALLTOBEGINNERS ANDANEWBANKISHATCHEDTOPANOUTPANOUT HERESAPOPULARWAYTOPANOUTPANOUT LETTHEOTHERMANSTORMTHEREDOUBTREDOUBT YOURESETONAPINNACLETHELIGHTSONTHEBINNACLE WHILETHEOTHERMANSTORMSYOUPANOUTPANOUT (Heexits)

(DIMESANDDOLLARSJohnSwintonspaperApril11,1866) ANIMALCHORUS Dimesanddollars,dollarsanddimes Anemptypocket'stheworstofcrimes MORGAN Ifamanisdown,givehimathrust Tramplethebeggarinthedust VANDERBILT Presumptuouspoverty'squiteappalling Knockhimdownandkickhimwhilefalling MELLON Ifamanisdowndon'tlifthimhigher Hissoulisforsaleandwe'rethebuyer ANIMALCHORUS Dimesanddollars,dollarsanddimes Anemptypockets'theworstofcrimes GOULD Sogetyouwealth,nomatterhow Noquestionsaskedbyusrich,youknow DREW Stealbynightandstealbyday Butdoitallinalegalway MULDOON Jointhechurchandneverforsakeher LearntocantandInsultyourmaker ROCKEFELLER

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Beahypocrite,liar,knaveandfool Butdon'tbepoor,remembertherule ANIMALCHORUS Dimesanddollars,dollarsanddimes Anemptypocket'stheworstofcrimes. (Aftersongisover,heturnstoSeth) What'11ItellMr.Alger?Hesaidhewantsyoutoplaythe partofhisUncleSam. AMY You'rerightforthepart,Seth,butnetintheirshow. SETH WhenwouldIstart? HECTOR You'llgetrehearsedthisafternoonandmakeyourappearancein theeveninglikeastar.AndwemightevenpersudeMissAmy tocomewatchyou. SETH Wouldyoucome? AMY Ifthat'swhatyouwant. (Algerenters)

AMY I'mMissAmyMuldoon,andyourememberSethfromtheshow, Hewantstotryoutfor

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ALGESETH That'smightypleasing,Mr.Alger. (AMANdressedasaBUMenters) Peoplelikeyouruinedmebutyouwontpayforit.

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(MusicupSEKKINGFORGOLDINWALLSTREET MUSICANDLYRICHOMER)