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Bad feeling i want to avoid Feeling closed-in, trapped by people Guilt about divorce Intimidated by people watching me Guilt and depression about growing apart from my wife Fears of injury and disaster Worry about kids getting hurt Fear of criticism and scrutiny by others Fear of failure or inadequacy Afraid of getting robbed or raped Fatigue, exhaustion Excitement, rapid pulse and breathing Sexual arousal, which feels like panic Depressed and lonely
short-term avoidance strategy Stay out of crowded elevators, subways Avoid my son No eye contact or public speaking Distracting sexual fantasies Push the mental images away Constant ritualized prayer Perfectionism, overdoing everything Procrastination, cant get started on papers Purse stocked with cell phone, whistle, and mace Never exert myself Downplay every success, stay negative Dont go on dates Bingeing on food
long-term consequences Cant work downtown Becoming strangers to each other People think Im antisocial and shifty Never deal with the relationship Getting even more fearful Distracted and alienating my kids Exhausted, criticized for perfectionism Flunking out and depressed Maced my neighbor by mistake, lawsuit Garden and marriage dying People ignore or avoid me Loneliness
Cognitive:
avoidance of certain thoughts, images, or memories
protective:
avoidance of risk through checking, cleaning, perfectionism, procrastination, or carrying lucky charms, a cell phone, mace, and so on
somatic:
avoidance of internal feelings like fast heart rate, palpitations, being out of breath, overheated, tired, excited, sexually aroused
Overweight, depressed, seeking stronger, more and lonely tolerable emotions, Boredom, guilt, and Drink too much, then DUIs, poverty numbness, alcohol, drugs, drive and gamble bingeing on food, gambling, shame risk taking, video games, Anxious about nearly Get lost in computer Girlfriend left me pornography, and so on everything gaming, eBay, porn
substitution:
long-term consequences
Cognitive:
avoidance of certain thoughts, images, or memories
protective:
avoidance of risk through checking, cleaning, perfectionism, procrastination, or carrying lucky charms, a cell phone, mace, and so on
somatic:
avoidance of internal feelings like fast heart rate, palpitations, being out of breath, overheated, tired, excited, sexually aroused
substitution:
seeking stronger, more tolerable emotions, numbness, alcohol, drugs, bingeing on food, gambling, risk taking, video games, pornography, and so on
Values in Action
The worksheet below was filled out by Phil, a fifty-four-year-old technical writer for a software company, whos been feeling depressed, anxious, and guilty. Phil has been married to Anna for fifteen years, and theyve both put on weight and arent feeling very interested in each other sexually or otherwise these days. Phils dad died two years ago and Phil was the executor of his dads will. He borrowed $4,000 from the estate without telling his two brothers and hasnt paid it back, and he feels guilty about it. On top of all this, he was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, but he hasnt managed to get on top of checking his blood sugar and changing his diet.
Spirituality
Other:
Other:
Values in Action
What you will do exactly: actions and words Whom you will do this with Where and in what situation you will do it When you will do it
Next, visualize yourself doing each of your intentions. Close your eyes and really imagine what it would be like, using all your senses: see yourself and any other people, watch what you do, hear the sounds, smell the smells, feel temperature and textures. Imagine what will be running through your mind and what will be happening in your body. Concentrate on the thoughts and feelings that will be barriers and tend to stop you from following through on your intention. When you have a good sense of the typical barriers to each intention, write them in the Barriers column. Finally, commit to putting your values and intentions into action. Use the log to record the number of times you acted on each of your intentions each week. At the end of ten weeks, youll have a record of how you did. Heres a blank worksheet for your use, followed by an example filled out by Phil. We recommend that you continue using the log for other values and intentions in the future, so make several copies and leave the version in the book blank for future use.
10
Domain: value:
Domain: value:
Values in Action
10
Domain: Check blood sugar Physical daily. self-care and health No more morning donut. value: Surviving my diabetes Domain: Family of origin value: Integrity
Feeling depressed, 4 I need a treat. One wont hurt. Make a salad and Hungry, dont want 5 veg for dinner. to take the time. Figure principal and interest on my loan from Dads estate. Sell coins and railroad collection on eBay. Send money to my brothers. Guilty, rather not 1 even think about it. Im greedy. Feeling of loss. I love this stuff. Ashamed, embarrassed. 0