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Guys and Dolls

Scene 1
Fugue for Tinhorns

Nicely

I got the horse right here The name is Paul Revere And heres a guy that says if the weathers clear Can do, can do, this guy says the horse can do If he says the horse can do, can do, can do (Benny sings Im picking Valentine)
(Rusty & Charlie sings But look at)

For Paul Revere Ill bite I hear his foots all right Of course it all depends if it rained last night Likes mud, likes mud, this x means the horse likes mud If that means the horse likes mud, likes mud, likes mud I tell you Paul Revere Now this is no bum steer Its from a handicapper thats real sincere Can do, can do, this guy says the horse can do If he says the horse can do can do can do Paul Revere. I got the horse right here.

Benny

Im pickin Valentine Cause on the morning line The guy has got him figured at five to nine
(Rusty sings But look at) (Nicely sings, For Paul Revere)

I know its Valentine, the morning works look fine Besides the jockeys brothers a friend of mine Needs race, needs race, this guy says the Horse needs race If he says the horse needs race needs race, needs race I go for valentine, cause on the morning line The guy has got him figured at nine to five Has chance, has chance, this guy says the horse has Chance, Valentine! I got the horse right here.

Rusty & Charlie

But look at epitaph. He wins it by a half According to this here in the Telegraph
(Nicely sings For Paul Revere) (Benny sings, I know its..)

And just a minute, boys Ive got the feed box noise It says the Great-Grandfather was equipoise Show class, shows class, this guy says the horse shows class If he says the horse shows class, shows class, shows class So make it Epitaph, he wins it by a half According to this here in the telegraph Epitaph, I got the horse right here! Enter Sarah and the Mission Band 1

Follow the Fold

Sarah/Mission Band
Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more, stray no more Put down the bottle and well say no more Follow, follow the fold.

Sarah

Before you take another swallow

Sarah and Band


Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more, stray no more If youre a sinner and you pray no more Follow, follow the fold

Sarah

Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil and he will flee from you. That is what the Bible tells us. Here me, you gamblers! with your dice, your cards, your horses. Just around the Corner is our little Mission where you are always welcome to Seek refuge from this jungle of sin. Join me, Brothers and Sisters, in resisting the Devil, and we can Put. The Devil Remember, friends, the Save-A-Soul Mission is located at 409 West 49th Street, open all day and all night Oh, never mind.

Exit of Sarah and the Mission Band

Nicely Benny Nicely Benny

Poor Miss Sarah! I wonder why a refined doll like her is mixed Up in the Mission dodge. Too bad that such a doll wastes all her time being good. How can she make any money from that? Maybe she owns a piece of the Mission Yeah

Harry the Horse enters

Harry Benny Harry Nicely

Hey! Benny Southstreet Harry the Horse! How are you? You know Nicely Nicely Johnson. Yeah. How goes it? Nicely, nicely, thank you

Harry Tell me, what about Nathan Detroit? Is he got a place for his crap game? Benny
Hes still looking for a place. 2

Nicely

The heat is on

Harry Well, tell him Im loaded and looking for action. I just acquired five thousand potatoes. Benny Nicely Harry Benny
Five thousand bucks! Where did you acquire it? I have nothing to hide I collected the reward on my father. Exits Everybody is looking for action. I wish Nathan finds a

Brannigan Enters

Nicely Benny

Why lieutenant Brannigan! Mr Southstreet, it is Lieutenant Brannigan of the New York Police Department. A pleasure.

Brannigan Either of you guys seen Nathan Detroit? Benny


Which Nathan Detroit is that?

Brannigan I mean the Nathan Detroit whos been running a floating crapgame around here.
You can tell him for me: I know that right now hes running around trying to find a spot Nathan Enters

Nicely Nathan

Hi, Nathan Fellas, Im having terrible trouble. Everybodys scared on account of that lousy Brannigan, and I cant-

Brannigan Something wrong, Mr Detroit? Nathan


Oh, hello, Lieutenant. I hope you dont think I was talking about you. There are other lousy Brannigans.

Brannigan Detroit, I imagine you are having trouble finding a place for your crap game. Nathan Nicely Nathan Benny
Well, the heat is on, as you must know from the fact that you now have to live on your salary. Brannigan Exits Did you find a place for the game? I was just over to the Biltmore Garage. Joey says he might take a chance and let me use the place, if I give them a thousand bucks. A thousand bucks! 3

Nathan Benny Nathan

In cash. Nathan, cant you do something? What can I do? Im broke. I couldnt even buy Adelaide a present today, and you know what day today is? It is mine and Adelaides fourteenth anniversary. We been engaged fourteen years.

Crap shooters enter The Oldest Established

Benny Nicely Benny Nathan Nicely Benny Nathan Nicely Benny Nathan

Nathan, concentrate on the game. The towns up to here with high players. The Greeks in town! Brandy Bottle Bates! Scranton Slim! I know. I could make a fortune. But where can I have the game? The Biltmore Garage wants a grand But we aint got a grand on hand And theyve now got a lock on the door of the gym at public school eighty-four. Theres the stock room behind McCloskeys bar But missus McCloskeys aint a good scout

And things bein How they are The back of the police station is out So the Biltmore Garage is the spot

Nicely All

But the one-thousand bucks we aint got

Crapshooters
Why its good old reliable Nathan Nathan Nathan Nathan Detroit If youre looking for action hell furnish the spot Even when the heat is on its never too hot Not for good old reliable Nathan for its always just a short walk To the oldest established permanent floating crap game in New York. Wheres the action wheres the game

Nicely, Benny, Nathan


Gotta have the game, or well die from shame

All

Its the oldest established permanent floating (crap game) in New York. 4

Crapshooters exit

Nathan

Gentleman, do not worry. Nathan Detroits crap game will float again. My boys will let you know where it is.

Angie-the-ox
Say, Nathan, you know who else is looking for action? Sky Masterson! Angie exits

Nathan Nicely Nathan Nicely Nathan

Sky Masterson! There is the highest player of them all! Maybe you can borrow the thousand from Sky. Not Sky. With him that kind of money aint lending money. Its betting money. So why dont I bet him? Why dont I bet him a thousand on something? You would bet with Sky Masterson? I aint scared. I am perfectly willing to take the risk, providing I can figure out a bet on which there is no chance of losing. He likes crazy bets Ooh! Look run into Mindys Restaurant and ask Mindy how many pieces of cheesecake he sold yesterday and also how many pieces of strudel. How much cheesecake? How much strudel What do you want to know for? Just find out! Now beat it here come Adelaide. If she hears Im running the crap game she will never set foot on me again

Benny Nicely Nathan

Adelaide enters & the girls

Adelaide Nathan Adelaide

Hello, Nathan dear. Adelaide! Pigeon! You go ahead, girls. Order me a tuna fish on rye

Prue On rye? Adelaide


On rye?

Prue Why on rye? Chrissie Laura Adelaide


You on a diet? Shes always on a diet? And a chocolate sundae with tomato ketchup and mayonnaise.

Fiona Prue

There you go shes not on a diet. I never said she was on a diet.

Girls Okay, Adelaide, see you later! Exit girls Adelaide Nathan Adelaide
We gotta get back to the Hot Box You still rehearsing? Yeah. That slave driver Charlie hes been working us all day. Finally I says, look, Charlie, Im starving! I gotta get outta here and get something to eat. And he says, You dont want eat. You just want to sneak out and meet that cheap bum, Nathan Detroit! So what did you say to him? I told him. I says, Ill meet whoever I want! Nathan! Happy Anniversary! A present? For me? I hope you like it. A belt! Read the card! Sugar is sweet, and so is jelly, so put this belt around your belly. Thats so sweet. Look, honey about your present. I didnt get one. Im sorry. No, I kinda like it when you forget to give me presents. It makes me feel like were married. Dont worry, honey one of these days Ill be in the money, and youll have more mink than a mink. Nathan darling, I can do without anything just so long as you dont start running the crap game again. The crap game! What an absurd thought!

Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan

Benny and Nicely Enter

Benny Nicely Nathan Adelaide

Psst! Yesterday Mindy sold twelve hundred cheesecake and fifteen hundred strudel. More strudel than cheesecake. Thats great! Nathan! What is this? 6

Nathan Adelaide Nathan

Nothing, honey. Look, Adelaide, Im expecting a fellow, and I know youre hungry Nathan, are you trying to get rid of me? No, I just dont want your sandwich to get soggy. Fellows

Adelaide, Benny & Nicely Exit. Sky Masterson Enters

Sky Nathan! You old promoter, you! Nathan


How are you, Sky? Going to be in town long?

Sky Flying to Havana tomorrow. Nathan


Havana!

Sky Yes, theres lots of action down there. Want to come with me? Nathan
No, I got a lot of things to Tell me you hungry? Maybe we could go into Mindys and have a piece of cheesecake or strudel or something?

Sky No. I think Ill go get the late results. Nathan


But you will admit that Mindy has the greatest cheesecake in the country?

Sky Yes, Im quite partial to Mindys cheesecake. Nathan


Who aint? And yet there are some people who like Mindys strudel. Offhand, which do you think he sells more of, the cheesecake or the strudel?

Sky Well, I never give it much thought. But if everybody is like I am, Id say Mindy sells much
more cheesecake than strudel.

Nathan Sky Huh? Nathan

For how much?

I will bet you a thousand bucks that yesterday Mindy sold more strudel than cheesecake.

Sky Nathan, let me tell you a little story Nathan


Have we got a bet?

Sky When I was a young man about to go out in the world, my father says to me a very
valuable thing. Son, the old guy says, one of these days in your travels a guy is going to come to you with a brand new deck of cards and offer to bet you that he can make the Jack of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ear. But son, do not bet this man, for as sure as you are standing there you are going to 7

wind up with an ear full of cider. Now, Nathan, I do not claim that you have been clocking Mindys cheesecake

Nathan You dont think that I would do such a thing/ Sky However, if youre really looking for some action I will bet you the same thousand that
you do not know the colour of the necktie you have on. Well?

Nathan

No bet. (looks at tie) Blue! What a crazy colour. Only Nathan Detroit could blow a bet on a blue necktie!

Benny and Nicely enter

Nicely Nathan

We took Adelaide to the drugstore, and she says for you to be sure to pick her up after the show at the Hot Box and dont be late. Yes, dear. I mean yes

Sky Yes, dear. That is husband talk if I every heard it. Nathan, you are trapped. In Adelaide
you have the kind of a girl that is most difficult to unload.

Nathan

I dont want to unload her. I love Adelaide. And a guy without a doll well A doll is a necessity.

Sky Nathan, I am not putting the rap on dolls. I just say, figuring weight for age, all dolls are
the same.

Nathan Sky Yeah! Nathan

Oh, yeah?

Then how come you aint got a doll? How come youre going to Havana alone without one?

Sky I like to travel light, but if I wish to take a doll to Havana there is a large assortment
available . Mission group singing off stage

Mission Group
Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more, stray no more Put down the bottle and well say no more Follow, follow the fold.

Nathan

Not real high class dolls!

Sky Any doll! You name her! Nathan


Any doll? And I name her? Will you bet on that? Will you bet a thousand dollars that if I name a doll you will take her to Havana tomorrow?

Sky You got a bet!


Sarah and Mission group enters

Mission Group
Follow the fold and stray no more Stray no more, stray no more

Nathan
Sky Her!

I name her (points to Sarah)

Nathan

Sgt Sarah Brown

Sky Daddy I got cider in my ear! Scene Two - (In the Mission) Sky Do you take sinners here? Sarah
Indeed we do! Didnt I see you a little while ago on Broadway?

Sky Possibly. I have been wandering around, trying to get up the courage to come here. Sarah
Here are two of our pamphlets. They will give you a good deal of comfort.

Sky Thank you Sarah


And were holding a midnight prayer meeting on Thursday, which Im sure you will wish to attend.

Sky Im sure Miss Sarah Sarah


How do you know my name?

Sky Allow me to introduce myself: Sky Masterson


I hope you will not think I am getting out of line, but I think it is wonderful to see a pretty doll uh a nice-looking lady like you sacrificing herself for the sake of others.

Sarah

Here is another pamphlet that I think you should read.

Sky Thank you Of course I will need a lot of personal help from you. Sarah
Ill be speaking at Thursday prayer meeting.

Sky I need private lessons. Why dont we have dinner or something? Sarah
I think not. Tell me, Mr Masterson, why are you here?

Sky I told you. Im a sinner.


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Sarah

Youre lying.

Sky Well, lyings a sin Look, Im a big sinner. If you get me, its eight to five the othersll
follow. Why dont you let me help you? Ill bet I can fill this place with sinners.

Sarah

I dont bet.

Sky Ill make you a proposition. When is this big meeting of yours Thursday? I will guarantee
to fill that meeting with one dozen genuine sinners.

Sarah

And whats my end of the bargain?

Sky Have dinner with me. Sarah


Why do you want to have dinner with me?

Sky Im hungry. Here! Sarah


Whats this?

Sky Sky Mastersons marker for 12 sinners. If you dont think its good, ask anybody in town. IO-U one dozen sinners. Ill pick you up at noon tomorrow, for dinner.

Sarah

At noon?

Sky Itll take us some time to get there. Sarah


To get where?

Sky El Caf Cubana, in Havana. Sarah


Havana?

Sky Where else do you want to eat? Howard Johnsons? The plane gets us there in five hours
and back the same night. And the food is great.

Sarah

Please go away.

Sky Somewhere in the world there must be a guy who might appeal to the sergeant. I wonder
what this guy will be like?

Sarah

He will not be a gambler.

Sky I am not interested in what he will not be I am interested in what he will be. Sarah
Dont worry.

Ill know Ill know when my love comes along I wont take a chance 10

For oh, hell be just what I need Not some fly by night Broadway romance.

Sky Youll know at a glance


By the two pair of pants

Sarah

Ill know by that calm steady voice Those feet on the ground Ill know, as I run to his arms That at last Ive come home safe and sound And till then I shall wait And till then Ill be strong For, Ill know when my love comes along

Sky No, no no youre talking about love. You cant dope it like that. What are you picking,
a guy or a horse?

Sarah

I wouldnt expect a gambler to understand.

Sky Would you like to hear how a gambler feels about the big heart throb? Sarah
No!

Sky Well, Ill tell you


Ill know, when my love comes along Ill know in my heart Ill know, and I wont ever ask: Am I right? Am I wise? Am I smart? But Ill stop and Ill stare at that face in the throng Yes, Ill know when my love comes along.

Sarah

Ill know when my love comes along.

Sky Ill drop in again in case you want to take a crack at the other cheek. Scene Three (The Hot Box) Master of Ceremonies
And now for the Grand Finale of our round the world revue we take you down on the farm with our star Miss Adelaide and the Hot Box Farmerettes A Bushel and A Peck

Adelaide

I love you a bushel and a peck A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck Hug around the neck and a barrel and a heap Barrel and a heap and Im talkin in my sleep About you

Dolls About you


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Adelaide About you Dolls My heart is leapin, havin trouble sleepin Adelaide
Cause I love you a bushel and a peck You bet your pretty neck I do

Adelaide & Dolls


Doodle, oodle, oodle, doodle, oodle,oodle Doodle, oodle, oodle, oo Nathan enters

Dolls I love you a bushel and a peck


A bushel and a peck, tho it beats me all to heck

Adelaide

Beats me all to heck how Ill Ever tend the farm, ever tend the farm, When I want to keep my Arms about you

Adelaide, girls
About you The cows and chickens are going to the dickens cause I love you a bushel and a peck You bet your pretty neck I do Girls and Adelaide exit singing Doodle, oodle, oodle Doodle, oodle, oodle, doodle, oodle, oodle, oo. Good-bye now! All Exit

Nathan

I love you a bushel and a peck.

Adelaide enters

Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide

Hello, Nathan Hello, pie face. What have you got there? A book. A book. Youre always reading books. Youre becoming a regular bookie. Nathan darling, this is very interesting. The doctor gave it to me. I went to him about my cold. How is your cold? Its the same. So the doctor asked me how long I had had it, and I told him a long time, so he said to read this book, because he said it might be due to psychology. You havent got that, have you? Nathan, this is the psychology that tells you why girls do certain kinds of things. 12

What do you think I got in this box?

Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan

Sallys Wedding Shop. I cant guess. Its a wedding veil. Ive had it for three years. I wont show it to you, because its bad luck Would you like to see it? Its bad luck. So you see, Nathan darling, I got the veil. All we need now is our license and our blood tests. Our what? Blood test. Its a law. What a city! First they close my crap game, then they open my veins. Nathan, youre not planning to run your crap game again? Adelaide, how can you think such a thing! Why do you think I give up the crap game. Its because I love you, and I want us two to be the happiest married couple that there is in the world.

Mimi Enters

Mimi Can I borrow some earrings? Adelaide


It is customary to knock when entering the private dressing room of an engaged person.

Mimi As far as Im concerned you are here by yourself, may I borrow some earrings? Adelaide
Diamonds or pearls?

Mimi Diamonds. Adelaide


In the top draw of the trunk, try them on.

Mimi Arent they a little long dear. Adelaide


Remember you have a short neck.

Mimi Hes a tall man. You! Im all dated up tomorrow with Society Max and he breaks it on
account of your dopey crap game. Honest, Adelaide, I pity you Mimi Exits

Nathan

Adelaide. Look at me. Im down on my knees.

13

Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan

Oh, get up. It reminds me of your crap game. Look, youre getting yourself upset you and I are going to be all right after all, we love each other, and were going to get married I dont believe you any more.

Youll feel better tomorrow; come on, cheer up, honey Lets see that old smile Thats my girl. See you tomorrow. Nathan Exits

Adelaides Lament

Adelaide

It says here The average unmarried female, basically insecure Due to some long frustrations, may react With psychosomatic symptoms, difficult to endure Affecting the upper respiratory tract. In other words, just from waiting around For that plain little band of gold A person. Can develop a cold It says here The female remaining single, just in the legal sense Shows a neurotic tendency see note. Note Chronic, organic. Syndromes, toxic or hypertense Involving the eye, the ear, and the nose, and throat In other words, just from wondering whether the The wedding is on or off A person can develop a cough When they get on the train for Niagara, and she can Hear church bells chime The compartment is conditioned, and the mood Sublime then they get off at Saratoga for the Fourteenth time A person can develop La grippe La grippe La post nasal drip With the wheezes, and the sneezes And sinuses thats really a pip From a lack of community property and a feeling shes Getting too old A person can develop a bad, bad cold.

Scene four Benny Nicely


Hey! Nicely! What are you looking at?

Sky was just following Miss Sarah, and you should have seen her. She give him a look that would have cooled off a moose at mating time. Great! Just so he dont take her to Havana. 14

Benny

Nicely Benny Nicely Benny Nicely

Havana! He couldnt take this doll to New Rochelle wheres Nathan? He ought to start lining up the game. I dont know I suppose trying to see Adelaide. Shes mad at him again. That Miss Adelaide. Shes always taking his mind off honest work. Yes, its too bad that a smart businessman like Nathan has to go and fall in love with his own fiance. Benny, that is his weakness, and we should be tolerant, because I am told that it is a worldwide weakness.

Guys And Dolls

Nicely

When you see a guy, reach for the stars in the sky, You can bet that hes doing it for some doll When you spot a john waiting out in the rain Chances are hes insane as only a john can be for a jane When you meet a gent paying all kinds of rent For a flat that could flatten the Taj Mahal.

Benny

All

Call it sad, call it funny, but its better than even money That the guys only doing it for some doll. When you see a sport and his cash has run short Make a bet that hes banking it with some doll. When a guy wears tails with the front gleaming white Who the heck do you think hes tickling pink on Saturday night? When a lazy slob takes a good steady job And he smells from vitalis and barbasol

All

Call it dumb, call it clever, ah but you can give odds Forever that the guys only doing it For some doll, some doll, some doll The guys only doing it for some doll!

Scene Five - (Mission Exterior) Sarah Arvide Agatha


Well, we finally lost him. I do think you should have paid some attention to him. Yes, he attended every street meeting we had this morning. He must be very interested in our work. 15

Sarah Calvin Sarah General Arvide Sarah General Sarah General Arvide Sarah Arvide General

Very. By the way you spoke beautifully this morning, Sarah. No, I cant reach these people. I should never have volunteered for this post Well, lets go in to lunch. General Cartwright! Good morning, Sarah, Arvide. Good morning, General. We didnt know you were coming to town, General. Sarah, theres something I want to talk to you about. Wont you come inside have some lunch with us? No, I dont have time, dear. I have several other calls to make. Sarah, we at headquarters have decided to close this branch of the Mission. Close the Mission! General, please! Someone can do good here, even if I cant. Weve announced a big meeting for tomorrow night. But will anyone be here?

Sky enters

Sky Pardon me I couldnt help overhearing. General, my name is Sky Masterson, former
sinner.

General

How do you do?

Sky How do you do I wish to protest the closing of this Mission. I believe Miss Sarah can be
a big success here.

General

I am glad to hear you say that, but Im not so certain.

Sky A dollar will get you ten. General


What!

Sky General, might I make a suggestion Why dont you come to the meeting tomorrow
night and find out for yourself.

General Sarah

Well, if I thought the Mission had a chance General, I personally guarantee you one dozen genuine sinners. 16

General

Well, Hallelujah!

Sky Hallelujah! Sarah


Hallelujah!

Scene 6 - (Street off Broadway) Benny Nicely


You all got your carnations? Remember, no one will be let in to the game without they got red carnations. Its like a password.

Harry Okay, but wheres the game?


Nathan enters

Benny

Ill tell you in a minute. Nathan, is it all set? Can I tell the guys that its at the Biltmore Garage? Not yet. I got to stall em for a while. Joey wants his dough first. But its eleven oclock they wont stick around much longer. So sue me

Nathan Benny Nathan

Harry Detroit, if you do not have no place for your game, tell us, and we will seek elsewhere for
entertainment.

Nathan

Now take it easy, Harry

Harry I would like you to meet Jule from Chicago. Nathan Big Jule
Why, how do you do, Jule. I came here to shoot crap. Lets shoot crap.

Harry Nathan. If there is no crap game tonight I am sure Jule will be considerably displease;
and Jule does not like to be displeased.

Nathan

Jule, believe me when I tell you that when Nathan Detroit Nathan Detroit . When Nathan Detroit arranges something you can count on it that . Brannigan enters

Brannigan Well! Well!.... an interesting gathering indeed. The jails must be empty tonight.
The cream of society. Angie the Ox Society Max Rusty Charlie Liver Lips Louie. And someone I dont know? What do you do? 17

Jule Im a scout master form Illinois. Brannigan Whats the occasion, gentlemen? Nathan
Well, we er-

AngieIts a party. Brannigan Indeed! What kind of a party? Adelaide Benny Adelaide
Goodbye, girls, see you tomorrow. Its a bachelor dinner. Nathans getting married What!

Harry That is correct, Lieutenant! Its a bachelor dinner. Nathans getting married. AngieYes, sir! Group
Forhes a jolly good fellow, for hes a jolly good fellow, for hes a jolly good fellow

Jule Which nobody cannot deny. Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide
Nathan darling, Im so thrilled. Why didnt you tell me? It was a surprise. But when I saw you standing here with all these fine gentlemen, I never dreamed it was a bachelor dinner. I thought it was a Oh, its a bachelor dinner. Yes, sir! A bachelor dinner. Just think after fourteen years Im finally going to become Mrs. Nathan Detroit. Time certainly does fly.

Brannigan Tell me, Nathan. When is the happy day? Adelaide Nathan
When will it be, Nathan? Well

Brannigan Nathan, these good fellows are nice enough to give you a bachelor dinner. You
should at least tell them the wedding date.

Nathan

Well, we need time for a license

Brannigan You could elope. Nathan


What? 18

Brannigan You can drive down to Maryland theyll marry you right away. They dont even
ask you for a blood test.

Nathan Adelaide Nathan

Aint that unhealthy? Oh, Nathan, lets do it. Well what the heck.

Brannigan My congratulations too, Nathan. And I only hope there is nothing in heredity.
Exit Brannigan

Adelaide Nathan Adelaide

Nathan, I got so many things to do before we elope. Youll be at the Hot Box tomorrow night? Ill have a table reserved, and Ill be all dressed up in whatever you elope in. Oh, Nathan, Im so happy. Exit Adelaide

Harry Nathan, you are indeed a lucky fellow. A most beautiful doll indeed. Do you agree, Jule? Jule Lets shoot crap. Benny Nathan Benny Nathan
Nathan, youd better find a place! How can I? The money from Sky aint come yet. Maybe it wont come! Maybe he took the doll to Havana. He couldnt have! How could he? She couldnt have gone!

Band enters, one at a time, cross stage and exits

Scene Seven (Havana, Cuba a dive) Sarah


These are delicious. What did you call them?

Sky Dulce de Leche. Its Spanish for milk shake. Sarah


Dulce de Leche. Whats in it besides milk?

Sky Oh, sugar, and sort of native flavouring. Sarah


Whats the name of the flavouring?

Sky Bacardi. Sarah


Doesnt Bacardi have alcohol in it?

19

Sky Only enough to act as a preservative. Sarah


You know this would be a wonderful way to get children to drink milk. Two more Dulce de Leche!

Sky Are you all right? Sarah


Am I all right!

If I Were A Bell Ask me how do I feel. Ask me now that were cosy and clinging Well, sir, all I can say is. If I were a bell Id be ringing From the moment we kissed tonight Thats the way Ive just got to behave Boy. If I were a lamp Id light And if I were a banner Id wave. Ask me how do I feel Little me with my quiet upbringing Well, sir, all I can say is If I were a gate Id be swinging And if I were a watch Id start popping my spring Or if I were a bell Id go Ding, dong, ding, dong, ding. Ask me how I feel From this chemistry lesson Im learning Well, sir, all I can say is, If I were a bridge Id be burning Ask me how to describe this whole beautiful thing Well, if I were a bell Id go ding, dong, ding, dong, ding.

Sky I think wed better hurry if we want to catch the plane back to New York. Sarah
I dont want to go back to New York.

Sky Im taking you back. Sarah


Youre no gentleman

Sky Look, a doll like you shouldnt be mixed up with a guy like me. Its no good. Im no good.
You know why I took you to Havana? I made a bet! Thats how you met me in the first place. I made a bet.

Sarah

How else would a girl get to meet a gambler?

Sky I got to think whats best for you. Sarah


Oh, you talk just like a missionary. They exit

Scene Eight (Mission Exterior)


20

Sarah

Thank you for bringing me back. I must have behaved very badly. Adelaide and girls enter.

Sky No, you were fine. Adelaide Abi

Oh, golly, I dont know how Ill get home with all this stuff. Sky, hello!

Why dont you get a cab? Maybe she dont want to get cab

Tessa Abi

And who was asking you anyway. I just thought Id say.

Tessa

Sky How are you, Miss Adelaide? Adelaide


Oh, fine, Sky. Look! The girls just gave me a kitchen shower!

Sky Thats wonderful, Adelaide You know Miss Sarah. Sarah Adelaide
How do you do. Glad to meet you You know, Sky, were eloping tomorrow night right after the Hot Box Nathan and I.

Sky Good luck. Adelaide


Thank you, Sky Gee, I feel just like a housewife already!

Adelaide exits, followed by the girls.

Sky Miss Adelaide certainly seems happy. Sarah


Shes in love.

Sky Yeah. I guess so. Sarah


What time is it?

Sky I dont know. Four oclock. Sarah


Ive never been up this late before.

Sky How do you like it? Sarah


Its so peaceful, and wonderful.

Sky Youre finding out something Ive known for quite a while. Obediah!
21

Sarah

Obediah? Whats that?

Sky Obediah Masterson. Thats my real name. Youre the first person Ive ever told it to.
Ive Never Been In Love Before

Sky Ive never been in love before


Now all at once its you Its you forever more Ive never been in love before I thought my heart was safe I thought I knew the score

Sarah

But this is wine thats all too strange and strong Im full of foolish song And out my song must pour

Both So please forgive this helpless haze Im in


Ive really never been in love before. Arvide enters, Mission band enters

Sarah Arvide

Grandfather! I thought youd be asleep. Hello, Sarah dear. Good morning, Brother Masterson.

Sky Good morning. Arvide


We stayed out all night. And guess what?

Sky The streets were full of sinners. Arvide Sarah Arvide


Exactly! It was wonderful where have you been, Sarah? Ive been to Cuba Youre even more tired than I am. A guy dashes on.

Sky What the heck is this? Whats going on inside the mission?
Benny, Nicely and Nathan come out of the Mission. All Exit except Nathan

Sky Nathan! What is this? Nathan


Canasta! Nathan exits. Jule enters.

Jule Wait a minute! Im losing ten Gs.


Brannigan and two cops enter

22

Brannigan Someone must have tipped them off. Two cops exit
I seen a lot of strange things in my time but this is the first time I ever see a floating crap game going full blast in a Mission.

Sarah

Crap game!

Sky Sarah, you know I had nothing to do with this, dont you? Sarah. Sarah
This wouldnt have happened if I hadnt I never should have gone with you. It was wrong.

Sky No, it wasnt. You went to help the Mission. Sarah


Did I?

Sky Will I see you tomorrow? Sarah


Everyone is welcome at the Mission.

Sky Thats not what I mean. Sarah


Its no good, Sky. You said it yourself its no good.

Sky Why not? What kind of doll are you, anyway? Sarah
Im a Mission Doll.

Scene Nine (Hot Box)


Sky enters the Hot Box. Nicely enters the Hot Box

Nicely Sky Huh? Nicely

Sky, did you see Miss Adelaide?

I bring a message for her from Nathan.

Sky Whats the message? Nicely


Its this way. Nathans aunt in Pittsburgh was suddenly taken ill with

Sky A rare tropical disease. Nicely


Say, thats not bad.

Sky Nicely. Where is Nathan? Nicely


The crap game is still going on.

Sky Since last night?


23

Nicely

Big Jule, being a large loser, does not wish the game to terminate.

Sky Where is the game? Nicely


Are you looking for some action?

Sky No, Im leaving town tonight, but I do want to talk to some of the guys, I gave a marker to
well, somebody and Id kinda like to clean it up before Adelaide approaches

Nicely

. Ill meet you outside.

Sky What about Nathans message? Nicely


Oh! Miss Adelaide, Nathan is in Pittsburgh with a rare tropical aunt. Goodbye.

Nicely rushes out

Adelaide

What? I dont understand. Sky, Nathan has to come here tonight. Were eloping to get married. Is it the crap game again?

Sky You know Nathan. Why does it surprise you? Adelaide


But he promised to change.

Sky Change, change. Why is it the minute you dolls get a guy that you like, you take him right
in for alteration?

Adelaide

What about you men? Why cant you marry people like other people do and live normal like people? Have a home, with wallpaper, and book ends.

Sky Guys like Nathan Detroit, and - yeah, Sky Masterson we dont belong in a life like that.
So when dolls get mixed up with guys like us, its no good. See you in a couple of months.

Adelaide

Will you see Nathan before you go?

Sky Maybe Adelaide


Tell him I never want to talk to him again and have him call me here.

Sky Why dont you get another guy? Adelaide


Wait till you fall for somebody! Youll find out.

Sky Yeah. Sky exits


Adelaides Second Lament Adelaide In other words just from sitting alone at a table 24

Reserved for two A person can develop the flu Abi You can bundle her up in her woollies And I mean the warmest brand You can wrap her in sweaters and coats til its more than her frame can stand If she still gets the feeling shes naked From looking at her left hand A person can develop the flu Huh! The flu! A hundred and three point two So much virus inside That her microscope slide Looks like a day at the zoo Just from wanting her memories in writing And a story her folks can be told Both A person can develop a cold

Scene Ten (Street exterior) Arvide Sarah Arvide Sarah Arvide Sarah Arvide Sarah Arvide
Not so fast, Sarah, not so fast. I just want to get away from this whole place. To go some place Where where Where sinners are all respectable and well behaved? You saw what happened last night. They gambled in our Mission. And some day theyll be praying there. Even a man like Sky Masterson. He came seeking refuge. He came seeking me. Did you know that? I knew that the minute he started picking on you, but I didnt know you were going to get stuck on him. The man I love will not be a gambler. But if you love him enough Sarah dear

Sky enters with Nicely

Sky Good evening, Miss Sarah, Brother Abernathy, how goes it with the soul-saving?
Tonights the big meeting isnt it?

Arvide

Its supposed to be. The General is coming.

Sky The Generals a tough doll, eh? Sarah


Grandfather. Weve got to hurry. 25

Sky Miss Sarah. Youve forgotten something, but being a gambler, I never forgot things like
this. You hold my marker for twelve sinners tonight.

Sarah Arvide

Mr Masterson, last night the Mission was filled with your friends. Let us just say were even. Sarah exits If you dont pay off on that marker Ill tell the whole town youre a dirty welcher.

Arvide exits

Sky Nicely! Wheres the crap game? Nicely


Well, Sky, its about ten minutes walk from here.

Sky Which way? Nicely


This way. (Opens a manhole cover)

Scene Eleven (Crap game in the sewer) Jule Wait a minute. Where are you all going? I came here to shoot crap. AngieWe had enough Tommy Nathan
Lets go home. You see, Jule, the boys are slightly fatigued from weariness, having been shooting crap for quite a while now, namely twenty four hours.

Jule I do not care who is tired. I am out twenty five Gs. So nobody leaves. Nathan
Gentlemen, I begin to see the logic of Jule. It is not that Jule is a bad loser, it is merely that he prefers to win. Right, Jule?

Jule I will now play on credit. Give me the dice. Im shooting two thousand. And, Detroit, I am
going to roll you, willy or nilly. If I lose, I will give you my marker.

Nathan

And if I lose?

Harry You will give him cash. Nathan


Let me hear from Big Jule.

Jule You will give me cash. Put up your dough. Nathan


I just remembered. Im eloping tonight. Adelaide is waiting for me.

Starts to exit

Jule Get up the two thousand.


26

Nathan

Wouldnt it be more convenient if I put it right into your pocket?

Jule Get it up! Haah Eleven. I win. Nathan


That cleans me.

Jule Now I will play with you guys


Nicely and Sky enter.

Nicely

Here they are.

Sky Good evening, gentlemen. Jule Well, fresh blood. You looking for some action? Sky Not at the moment. I would like to talk to some of you guys. Jule We aint talking. Were shooting crap. Sky I am asking for only one minute. It has to do with Miss Sarah Browns Mission. Jule Say, who is this guy? Harry Its the fellow I was telling you took the Mission doll to Havana Jule Look, fellow, youre slowing up the action around here. Sky If you want action, would you care to make a small wager on a proposition? Jule
Whats the proposition?

Sky Am I right handed or left handed? Jule How would I know a thing like that? Sky Ill give you a clue.
Hits Jule with right. Jule tries to draw gun, Sky gets it & tosses it to Nathan.

Nathan

Kindly return this to Sears-Roebuck. Gives gun to Benny

Sky Look, you guys. Tonight in Miss Sarah Browns Mission at 409 West 49th Street they are
holding a midnight prayer meeting. I promised I would deliver to them some sinners, and when it comes to sinning most of you guys are high up among the paint cards.

Harry I dont want to waste no evening in a Hallelujah joint. Sky I guarantee you the air in the Mission smells cleaner than down here
27

And maybe it would not hurt you guys to learn something else besides the odds on making a four the hard way. Well, I tried See you around, Nathan.

Nathan

Okay, Sky About the Havana business, I regret I temporarily do not have the one thousand to pay you.

Sky You dont have to pay me. You won. Nathan


But I thought you took Miss Sarah to Havana.

Sky You thought wrong. Nathan


Come on Jule, get up. I have now got dough to roll you again. But with my dice.

Harry Nothing doing. With your dice he cannot make a pass to save his soul. Sky Whatd you say? Harry I says with them dice he cannot make a pass to save his soul. Sky Well, maybe I can make a pass to save his
And yours!... And yours and his I will bet each of you a thousand dollars against your souls. One thousand cash against a marker for you souls. If I win, you guys all show up at the Mission tonight. Okay? One meeting.

AngieOkay by me. Benny


By me too.

Sky You too, Nathan. A thousand dollars against your soul. Nathan
Me? I dont even know if I got one.

Sky You got one some place. Give me the dice.


And give me room. Ive got a little more than dough riding on this one. Luck Be a Lady

Sky They call you Lady Luck


But there is room for doubt At times you have a very unladylike way Of running out Youre on this date with me The pickings have been lush And yet before this evening is over You might give me the brush You might forget your manners You might refuse to stay and so The best that I can do is pray 28

Luck be a lady tonight, Luck be a lady tonight Luck, if youve ever been a lady to begin with, Luck, be a lady tonight. Luck, let a gentleman see

Crapshooters
Luck, let a gentleman see

Sky How nice a dame you can be Crapshooters


How nice a dame you can be

Sky I know the way youve treated other


Guys youve been with Luck be a lady with me.

Crapshooters
Luck be a lady, a lady, be a lady with me A lady wouldnt flirt with strangers Shed have a heart, shed have a soul.

Sky A lady wouldnt make little snake eyes at me


When Ive bet my life on this roll.

Crapshooters
Roll em, roll em, Roll em, snake eyes, Roll em, roll em, roll em

Sky

So lets keep the party polite

Crapshooters
So lets keep the party polite

Sky

Never get out of my sight

Crapshooters
Never get out of my sight

Sky

Stick with me, baby, Im the fellow you came in with, Luck be a lady

Crapshooters
Stick here baby, Stick here baby, Luck be a lady

Sky

Luck be a lady

Crapshooters
Luck be a lady

Sky

Luck be a lady tonight

29

Crapshooters
Roll will ya, Roll will ya, Whats the matter? Roll the dice! Comin out, comin out, comin out, comin out, Right. Ha!

Sky, Crapshooters
Ha!

Scene Twelve (A street off Broadway) Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan
Adelaide! Oh! What a coincidence! Adelaide, did Nicely explain to you about tonight? I hope you aint sore about it? Please! Let us not have a vulgar scene. After all, we are civilized people we do not have to conduct ourselves like a slob. Sweetheart! Baby! How can you carry on like this over one lousy elopement? Adelaide, please! Its no use, Nathan. I have succeeded in your not being able to upset me no more. I have got you completely out of my(Sneezes). Oh, Nathan! Adelaide, baby! Dont ever do that to me again! I cant stand it. Well get married. Well have a home, a little white house with a green fence just like the Whitney colours. Look, Nathan darling, we can still make everything all right. Look its not even midnight yet. Five minutes to twelve lets elope right now. Okay, Adelaide. (Benny and Nicely enter.) No, I cant. Why not? Come on, Nathan well be late. Come on! They exit Nathan, why cant we elope now? Because well, I got to go to a prayer meeting. Nathan. This is the biggest lie you ever told me! She begins to exit But I promise you its true. Adelaide!

Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Benny Nicely Adelaide Nathan Adelaide Nathan

She exits. Nathan exits in other direction

30

Scene Thirteen (Interior of Mission) General Sarah


It is now several minutes past midnight. Isnt anyone coming? Sergeant Sarah, something is very wrong. General, I know whats wrong. Im wrong. Ive failed. Ive spoken to these people day after day, but my words havent reached them I think you had better Mugs enter Welcome, brothers, welcome. Sky enters Nathan enters

Arvide

Sky Everybody here? Where is Nathan Detroit? Nathan


Present.

Sky Miss Sarah, here you are. One dozen or more assorted sinners. Sorry we didnt have
time to clean em up.

Arvide

Wont you gentlemen sit down?

Sky Sit down! All of you! And this is a Mission, not Roseland, so I suggest that you do not
indulge in any unpleasantness. Since I am required to depart for points West tonight I am appointing Nathan Detroit major domo in my place. Nathan, anybody who does not conduct himself according to Hoyle will answer to Sky Masterson personally.

General Nathan Arvide General Nathan Benny General Nathan Tommy Nathan Tommy

What a remarkable young man! So remember that, you guys. Brother Abernathy, your dice. Gentlemen, we are honoured tonight. The meeting will be conducted by the head of our organisation, General Cartwright. It is wonderful to see our Mission graced by the presence of so many evil looking sinners. Now, who would like to start the ball rolling by giving testimony? Benny! Give testimony. I aint no stool pigeon. Come, brothers I know it is difficult. But let one of you give testimony to the sin that is in his heart. Anyone. Tommy. No way! Tommy! Ahhh, Whats the pitch? 31

Nathan Tommy Nathan

Tell all the people all the terrible things you don but you aint gonna do no more, and watch your language. Well I used to be bad, real bad, when I was a kid, but ever since then I gone straight, as can be proved by my record 33 arrests and no convictions. Harry!

Harry Oh, no! Nathan


Harry the Horse!

Harry Ah, well, like when Sky was rolling us for our souls General
I beg your pardon?

Harry Sky Masterson. He rolled us a thousand dollars against our souls. Thats why were here. General Sarah General Sarah General
I dont think I understand. I do, General. He means that they are only here because Mr Masterson won them in a dice game. How wonderful! This whole meeting the result of gambling. It shows how good can come out of evil. Sergeant Sarah you have done remarkable work. Thank you Anybody else? Brannigan enters

Brannigan Ah ha! Nathan Nicely General


We will now hear testimony from Brother Nicely-Nicely Johnson Brother Nicely Nicely Johnson Well. It happened to me kind of funny. Like a dream. Thats it, a dream. Tell us, in your own words.

Sit down youre Rockin the boat

Nicely

I dreamed last night I got on a boat to heaven And by some chance I had brought my dice along And there I stood And I hollered someone fade me But the passengers, they know right from wrong For the people all said sit down, sit down, Youre rockin the boat

Nicely & ensemble


32

People all said sit down, sit down, Youre rockin the boat.

Nicely

And the devil will drag you under, By the sharp lapel of your checkered coat Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,

Ensemble Sit down, youre rockin the boat Nicely


And as I laughed at those passengers to heaven. A great big wave came and washed me overboard

Ensemble MmmNicely
And as I sank

Ensemble Ooo Nicely


And I hollered Someone save me

Ensemble Ooo Nicely


Thats the moment I woke up

Ensemble Ooo Nicely


Thank the Lord

Ensemble Thank the Lord, thank the Lord. Nicely


And I said to myself, sit down, sit down, Youre rockin the boat

Ensemble Said to himself sit down sit down Nicely


Said to myself, sit down, sit down, Youre rocking the boat.

Ensemble Said to himself sit down Nicely


And the devil will drag you under

Ensemble And the devil will drag you under Nicely


With a soul so heavy youd never float, Sit down, sit down, sit down

Ensemble Sit down, sit down. Nicely


Sit down

Ensemble Sit down, sit down Nicely


Youre rockin the boat

33

Ensemble Youre rockin the boat, sit down youre rockin Nicely & Ensemble
Sit down, sit down, sit down, youre rockin the boat

Nathan

Anything we can do for you, Brother Brannigan? Maybe you would care to testify?

Brannigan Ill do my testifying in court, where I will testify that you ran a crap game here in this
Mission last night. Miss Sarah, you were standing there when they came out. You saw them. Arent these the fellows? (All look worried)

Sarah

I never saw them before in my life.

Jule Theres a right broad! Arvide


Now if you would excuse me, officer, we would like to go on with our meeting.

Brannigan exits

Nathan

Thank you, Miss Sarah people, I also have a confession to make, and I got to get it off my chest. We did shoot crap here last night and were all sorry. Aint we boys?

Jule Im really sorry. Tommy Nathan


Me too. But I did another terrible thing. I made a bet with a certain guy that he could not take a certain doll away with him on a trip, and this I should not have done, although it did not do any harm, as I won the bet. You won the bet? Sure. The guy told me that he didnt take the doll. Well, that makes me feel a lot better. Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Gentleman, we will now sing No, 244. Follow the Fold

Sarah Nathan General Nathan Sarah General

The Guys Follow the Fold

Ensemble Follow the Fold and stray no more


Stray no more, stray no more. Put down the bottle and well say no more Follow, follow the fold.

34

Scene Fourteen (Night, street off Broadway)


The Happy Ending

Minister

Brothers and sisters as you all know traffic is very heavy this time of night, so our ceremony will be brief. Do you Sarah Brown take Sky Masterson to be your lawful wedded husband? I do. Do you Sky Masterson take Sarah Brown to be your lawful wedded wife?

Sarah Minister Sky I do. Minister Adelaide Minister

Do you Miss Adelaide take Nathan Detroit to be your lawful wedded husband? I do. Do you Nathan Detroit take Miss Adelaide to be your lawful wedded wife?

Nathan Sneezes

Adelaide Minister Nathan Minister

That means he does. Hes got t say it himself. I do. Then under the authority granted me by the state of New York county of New York City, I hear by pronounce you man and wife.

Photographs are taken & flowers get thrown.

The Company
When you see a guy, reach for stars in the sky You can bet thats hes doing it for some doll When you spot a john waiting out in the rain Chances are hes insane as only a john can be for a Jane When you meet a gent paying all kinds of rent For a flat that could flatten the Taj Mahal Call it sad, call it funny, but its better than even money That the guys only doing it for some doll Some doll, some doll The guys only doing it for some doll The End

35