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Originally published by Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited in paperback in 2004, 1-905102-02-X This edition published in 2007 ISBN 978-1-906051-07-5 Copyright 2004, Crombie Jardine Publishing Limited All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Original concept and compilation by Crombie Jardine Printed & bound in China
Proverb
a short sentence based on long experience
CONTENTS
School Days Chinese proverbs Life Professions Work Drink Getting Old Death Wise Men Fools Bravery & Cowardice Its All in the Mind Tomorrow Patience Pessimism Truth & Lies Money Happiness Friends & Foes Women Men Marriage God & the Devil P.C. Proverbs page 1 page 7 page 11 page 37 page 45 page 51 page 61 page 69 page 73 page 81 page 87 page 89 page 93 page 97 page 99 page 103 page 109 page 115 page 119 page 127 page 131 page 133 page 141 page 149
:
SCHOOL DAYS
1
A secondary school teacher made a list of some well known proverbs and gave the class the first half of the proverbs, so that they could complete the sayings. Heres what they came up with:
:
As you make your bed so shall you . . . mess it up. Better to be safe than . . . hit a teacher. You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Dont bite the hand that . . . looks dirty. A miss is as good as a . . . mr. You cant teach an old dog . . . maths. The pen is mightier than the . . . pigs. An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax. Theres no smoke without . . . pollution.
A penny saved . . . is not much. Twos company, threes . . . the musketeers. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and . . . you must blow your own nose. Children should be seen and not . . . smacked or grounded. When the blind leadeth the blind . . . best get out of the way.
4
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites. No news is . . . impossible. Love all, trust . . . me. Dont put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed. None are so blind as . . . Stevie Wonder. If at first you dont succeed . . . get new batteries.
People in glass houses shouldnt . . . run around naked. Theres no fool like . . . Uncle Johnny.
5
CHINESE PROVERBS
5
Baseball wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
8
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who live in glass house need to change clothes in basement. Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
9
Man who want pretty nurse must be patient. Man who push piano down mineshaft get A flat miner. Passionate kiss like spiders web: soon lead to undoing of fly. Virginity like bubble: one prick all gone.
10
t
LIFE
11
t
42% of all statistics are made up.
(Anon)
Ability is what you are able to do, motivation determines what you do, attitude decides how well you do it.
(Anon)
12
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Remember that the next time you cant get an appointment.
(Anon)
As long as your mistakes are new ones you can argue that you are making progress.
(Anon)
Discipline is making the choice between what you want now and what you want most.
(Anon)
15
Do not follow the path; go where there is no path and begin the trail . . .
(South Africa)
Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river.
(Haitian)
Do not walk behind someone for they may not lead. Do not walk ahead of them, for they may not follow. Do not walk beside them, either. Just leave them alone.
(Anon)
16
17
18
v
Experience is a comb nature gives to men when they are bald.
(Eastern)
19
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes directly from bad judgment.
(Anon)
20
If at first you dont succeed, parachuting is not the sport for you.
(Anon)
22
23
If you really want to do something, youll find a way; if you dont, youll find an excuse.
(Anon)
If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be appreciated, Just shut up.
(Anon)
Just before dawn is the darkest hour. So if youre planning to pinch your neighbours milk, thats the time to do it.
(Anon)
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. Its called fair-weathered.
(Anon)
25
@#
Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean they arent after you.
(Anon)
26
Listen to your conscience the inner voice that tells you someone might be watching.
(Anon)
Mediocrity has certain attractions; its much less demanding than success.
(Anon)
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
(Erma Bombeck)
27
Reality is merely a crutch for people who cant cope with drugs.
(Anon)
28
a
Sex is like air: its not important unless you arent getting any.
(Anon)
29
Sometimes you are the insect; sometimes you are the windscreen.
(Anon)
Stretch your hands as far as they reach, and grab all you can grab.
(Nigeria)
The eyes believe what they see; the ears what people tell them.
(German)
30
u
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel really is an oncoming train.
(Anon)
31
Sometimes youre the pigeon, sometimes youre the statue.
(Anon)
32
Theres an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is.
(Calvin and Hobbes)
There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.
(Chinese)
33
Too many cooks spoil the broth. Let someone else prepare dinner.
(Anon)
When the door is closed, learn to slide across the crack of the sill.
(Nigeria)
34
zz
zZ
35
You have three choices in life: give up, give in, or give it your all!
(Anon)
36
h
PROFESSIONS
37
s
A bad compromise is better than a successful law suit.
(Spanish)
38
Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggie, whilst looking for a bigger stick.
(Anon)
Doctors clean the body, ministers the conscience, and lawyers the purse.
(German)
39
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and have you actually looking forward to the trip.
(Anon)
40
41
r
Politicians are like diapers and need to be changed for the same reason.
(Anon)
42
Virtue is in the middle, said the devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.
(Danish)
s
43
R
WORK
45
R
A desk without paperwork is a sign of one born to delegate.
(Anon)
Hard work never hurt anyone. But then why risk it?
(Anon)
Make sure you are not irreplaceable: if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.
(Anon)
46
R
Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
(Anon)
47
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
(Thomas Edison)
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs and people who dont work here any more.
(Anon)
48
o
When you own your own business, you only have to work half a day. You can do anything you want with the other twelve hours.
(Anon)
49
n
DRINK
51
n
A cask of wine will work more miracles than a church full of saints.
(Italian)
Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
(Ernest Hemmingway)
52
O
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
(Anon)
53
'
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit about in a boat and guzzle beer all day.
(Anon)
55
One drink is enough, two drinks are too many, three drinks are not enough.
(Portuguese)
56
The church is close but the road is icy; the bar is far but Ill walk carefully.
(Russian)
P
The drunken mouth lets slip the hearts secrets.
(German)
57
7O [
The first drink with water, the second without water, the third like water.
(Spanish)
58
59
There are more old drunkards than there are old doctors.
(French)
n
60
u
GETTING OLD
61
u
Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
(Anon)
Age is just mind over matter: if you dont mind, it doesnt matter.
(Anon)
62
Be nice to your children; theyll be choosing the old folks home.
(Anon)
63
By the time you are old enough to appreciate your parents you will have children of your own who take you for granted.
(Anon)
64
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
(Cora Harvey Armstrong)
The difference between adults and children is that adults dont ask questions.
(American)
The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life.
(Muhammad Ali)
65
q
Its never too late to learn. But then if youve made it this far . . . why bother?
(Anon)
66
We do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing!
(Benjamin Franklin)
u
67
W
DEATH
69
W
Death is hereditary.
(Anon)
70
W
71
d
WISE MEN
73
d
A bad excuse is better than none.
(Spanish)
74
[
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
(Chinese)
75
Anger is the outcome of the tongue working faster than the brain.
(Anon)
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. (Then when you do criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes.)
(Anon)
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
(Anon)
d
Wisdom should not be like money, tied up and hidden.
(Ghana)
77
A
When you open a door, dont forget to close it. Treat your mouth accordingly.
(Jewish)
78
$
The tongue weighs relatively nothing, but so few people can hold it.
(Anon)
79
You have two ears and one mouth. It is best to use them in that proportion.
(Anon)
80
FOOLS
81
82
83
f
He who laughs last laughs longest. And has probably only just got the joke.
(Anon)
84
85
86
&
BRAVERY & COWARDICE
87
&
A coward will always think with his legs.
(Anon)
Its not the size of the dog in the fight that matters, its the size of the fight in the dog!
(Anon)
88
S
ITS ALL IN THE MIND
89
S
A closed mind is like a closed book: just a block of wood.
(Chinese)
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
(Albert Einstein)
90
|
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
(Anon)
91
92
P
TOMORROW
93
P
Manana is often the busiest day of the week.
(Spanish)
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done today. Dont you know that tomorrow never comes?
(Anon)
Dont put off till tomorrow what could be done today. Why not give yourself another week?
(Anon)
95
The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.
(Abraham Lincoln)
96
D
PATIENCE
97
All things come to those who wait . . . but the best things will be taken by those who get there first.
(Anon)
D
Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
(Abraham Lincoln)
D
98
PESSIMISM
99
The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.
(Winston Churchill)
100
101
Youll never know the worth of the water till the well goes dry.
(Scottish)
102
$
TRUTH & LIES
103
$
A lie travels round the world while truth is still putting on her boots.
(French)
104
d
History is a catalogue of lies compiled by those in charge.
(Anon)
105
Once in a while you will stumble upon the truth but most of us manage to pick ourselves up and hurry along as if nothing had happened.
(Winston Churchill)
106
$$$$ $$$
A rumour goes in one ear and out many mouths.
(Chinese)
107
Truth and oil will always make their way to the surface.
(Spanish)
108
s
MONEY
109
s
A pig bought on credit is forever grunting.
(Spanish)
110
If you think no-one cares whether youre dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
(Anon)
9
If rich people could hire other people to die for them, poor people would make a wonderful living.
(Yiddish)
111
9
If you lend someone 10 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
(Anon)
112
113
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
(Anon)
114
8
HAPPINESS
115
8
Happiness is all about liking what you do and doing what you like.
(Anon)
116
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have.
(Anon)
Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you dont you will be wise.
(Anon)
You can turn dollars into cents, or sense into dollars, but not dollars into sense.
(American)
8
117
(
FRIENDS & FOES
119
(
Better a friendly refusal than an unwilling acceptance.
(German)
Both your friend and your enemy think you will never die.
(Irish)
Feed your horse as you would a friend but mount him as an enemy.
(Croatian)
120
(
Friends are like fiddle strings; they must not be screwed too tight.
(English)
121
Good fences make good neighbours (they keep the sods out!)
(Anon)
122
t
Love your enemies; its guaranteed to piss them off!
(Anon)
123
_
When your enemy falls, dont rejoice. But dont pick him up either.
(Yiddish)
124
_
Yes, forgive your enemies whenever you can, but always remember their names.
(Anon)
125
a
WOMEN
127
a
A bad labour, and a daughter after all.
(Spanish)
As the best wine makes the sharpest vinegar, so can the truest lover turn into the worst enemy.
(Anon)
128
a
A beautiful woman belongs to everyone but an ugly woman is all yours.
(Indian)
129
Fortune is like a woman: If you neglect her today, do not expect to regain her tomorrow.
(French)
There are two theories about arguing with women. neither works.
(Anon)
a
130
d
MEN
131
d
A man is a person who takes out the rubbish, then makes out he has just cleaned the house.
(Anon)
d
132
V
MARRIAGE
133
V
A deaf husband and a blind wife are the perfect happy couple.
(Anon)
134
V
A good husband is healthy and absent.
(Japanese)
135
A wife is frightened of her first husband. A husband is frightened of his second wife.
(Serbian)
A wifes advice is not worth much, but woe to the husband who refuses to take it.
(Welsh)
136
Marriage is like a ground nut, you must crack it to see whats inside.
(Ghana)
Grief for a husband is like a pain in the elbow sharp and short.
(English)
137
4
The first marriage is a dish of honey, the second a glass of wine, the third a cup of poison.
(Serbian)
138
V
Never marry for money; you will borrow it cheaper.
(Scottish)
139
GOD & THE DEVIL
m
141
Be neither intimate nor distant with the clergy.
(Irish)
Better the devil you know than the devil you dont.
(English)
142
<
God supplies the milk but not the jug.
(German)
143
144
If the patient dies, the doctor has killed him; if he gets well, the saints have saved him.
(Italian)
145
$
The devils boots dont creak.
(Scottish)
146
$
The devil never grants long leases.
(Irish)
147
$
148
o
P.C. PROVERBS
149
o
A journey of a thousand sites begins with just one click. Dont byte off more than you can view. The email of the species is far deadlier than the mail.
150
o
Fax is stranger than fiction. In Gates we trust. You cant teach a new mouse old clicks. The message is in the modem.
151
o
The geek shall inherit the earth. Too many clicks spoil the message. Users and their leisure time are soon parted.
152
o
Virtual reality is its own reward. What boots up must come down. Windows will never cease.
153
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154