MY LIFE ~ MY STORY

A Legacy of
My Footprints in the Sands of Life
Capturing those special unique moments in your life

This is the life story of

_______________________________________________

Prepared by Dr. James Oliver

Contents
Prepared............................................................................................1 Forward.............................................................................................3 Getting Started on your Legacy Journey.................................................7 SECTION ONE: PUTTING OUR LIFE PIECES TOGETHER.............................8 1. How the Environment Affects our Lives..........................................9 2. Understanding and Balancing our Life Dimensions..........................11 3. Have you ever felt your life to be out of balance? In what way?........12 4. Empowering your Life.................................................................13 5. Understanding Your Natural Development Cycle.............................14 6. What makes you Functional?......................................................15 7. What makes you Dysfunctional?..................................................16 8. Acquiring Self-Esteem................................................................17 9. Name an experience in your life that lead to higher self esteem.......18 10. Acquiring Human Esteem...........................................................19 11. How Others Affect You..............................................................20 12. Why you should record your Legacy............................................22 13. Understanding our Life Stages...................................................23 14. The Life Flow from Childhood to Adulthood..................................25 15. Questions to Ponder.................................................................27 SECTION TWO: THE EARLY YEARS UP TO ADULTHOOD...........................28 Questions from my Grandson...........................................................29 Formative years.........................................................................29 Junior High School Years.............................................................33 High School Years......................................................................34 Additional Questions...................................................................35 SECTION THREE: ADULTHOOD............................................................38 1. Entering Adulthood (18 23)......................................................39 2. Early Adulthood (24 29)...........................................................43 3. Early Adulthood Transition (30 33)............................................48 4. Last Stage of Early Adulthood (34 38)........................................51 5. Entering Middle Adulthood (39 44)............................................57 6. Middle Adulthood (45 60).........................................................60 7. Middle Adulthood Transition (61 65)..........................................63 8. Older Adulthood (66 80)..........................................................66 9. Older Adult Transition (81 +)......................................................68 10. Family Tree.............................................................................70

Forward
When you were born, you took your place in a time line that marked the beginning of your life. As you continued along the time line, you began to move toward the discovery and affirmation of life as you experienced it. Your life has probably had a normal flow as you moved through various stages of growth, similar to others who are from the same time period. Toward the end of your life, you may reflect about what you have done and accomplished. You may also want to make peace with the loose ends that still exist. When your time line is complete, the epitaph on your tombstone will try to sum up in twenty-five words or less what the essence of your life was and how others think you should be remembered! That, folks, is the life flow for most peoplesomeone else will write your epitaph! But shouldnt you be the one who determines what is written on your epitaph? The fact that you were a nice person doesnt quite cut the ice! And a dash between the date of your birth and the date of your death says even less! Life is captured in our memories that internal time machine that never turns off from the time we are born until we breathe our last breath! Our lives are colored with the streams of our emotions, punctuated with moments of happiness, sadness, anger, surprise, disgust and fear. So its up to us to highlight the points of our life, and tell the story that is uniquely our own. Our children and grandchildren, friends and family, even the stranger, will know us better and perhaps by some chance, we might provide inspiration and insights that will help others along their time line! Your story is waiting to be told! The title of this book stems from my memories at the beach. I have spent a good part of my life as a child and as an adult with my children at the beach, building sand castles and walking along the shore. I noticed that as I walked along the water's edge, my footprints (small or large) made an impression in the sand. Then, one strong wave or the change of tide removed my sand castles and footprints and they were no more. Similar to our life experiences, if we fail to leave the record of our life in some written form, its like we never existed and our life is gone like footprints in the sand, washed away by the tides of time. Two recent events in my life got me to thinking about how individuals preserve or lose the important moments of their lives, that dash between the day were born and the day we die, and why its so important!

The first event concerned a neighbor who recently passed away. He was 98, a lawyer by profession, and a friend and former classmate of Supreme Court Justice Warren Berger. Over the course of his career, he was highly active and involved in presidential campaigns for over half a century. In addition, he was a salesman of professional law books, which took him into various judicial scenes across the country, winning the respect of lawyers based on his timely knowledge in the field of law, his sound insights and a practical mindset for resolving issues that would make all of our lives run a little smoother. He was also an accomplished entrepreneur with a strong knack for doing business in a very visionary, successful way, such as the ice cream business he started from scratch and sold a of a century later for enough money to comfortably retire on. His secret? He took ice cream parlors from areas far away from where people worked and lived, and relocated them to where people shopped and worked in more congested downtown areas. He made ice cream easy to buy no matter where you lived, worked or shopped, and he made a fortune. His wife of some 50 years was a constant companion who enriched his life. She died five years before, leaving him to live out his remaining years alone. He coped with his loneliness by staying busy managing his stocks and finding other things to do that kept him involved in the daily activities that took place in his local community. I dined with him several times a week. He was highly intelligent with no children, well-liked and warm in his relationships with people. Many of his conversations were filled with information, experiences and stories that covered close to a century, one of the most dramatic times in American history. His intention had always been to record some of the highlights of his life, but he slipped away without as much as a note. In time, I am afraid, he will pass into oblivion and his life will be lost to us forever. Sadly, he failed to leave a valuable legacy that could be an inspiration and of value for those reading his story in years to come. His footprints will be washed away by the tides of time! The second event concerned my own grandson. He sent me a letter, requesting a little help on a school project. Strange as it might sound, he wanted to know about my childhood and youth, you know, way back when I growing up. He also added a few questions about my adult life, questions he always wanted to ask but never did. Life is full of surprises.

I was delighted to try to answer my grandsons request and rather flattered that he should ask his grandfather. I found myself both surprised and satisfied with the way I had to wrestle with the questions he posed to me and doubly surprised at the amount of information that was triggered by his questions. When he received the answers, he was happy with the delivered product and ended up getting an "A" on his project. Both of these events stirred and triggered a desire in my thinking to see if I could use the professional skills I had developed over my life to assist people in getting their story told in a meaningful way. I thought that using the various stages of our development would offer a structure for people to fill in the pieces and share how they lived, in that part of history. I also thought that as a psychotherapist I would be able to walk people through some of the expectations within the life stages we all pass through. Perhaps with some prompts I can help people recall what impacted and shaped their lives at that moment in their life. As I was answering my grandsons questions, I began thinking about the other segments of life adolescence, the many phases of adulthood, and finally the epitaph I would write. The question of my epitaph piqued my curiosity about how we put our life stories together. The first thing that I realized in my early adulthood was that I wanted a profession that would allow me to help people achieve quality life experiences and a sense of personal well-being. A further concern was how I could weave the various disciplines of my profession to interpret the various expectations of my life cycles so they could be of benefit to those who were trying to remember and recapture what went on in their lives. My professional training touches on the fields of education, theology, psychology, psychotherapy and holistic medicine. What I will share in the legacy book is knowledge that I gained from my teachers, mentors, university associates, and those I have counseled over the years. My teaching and learning experiences are meant to assist you in the telling of your life story. Hopefully, as you weave these events into meaningful life experiences, your unique lifestyle will reveal what you believe life is all about. What I have in mind is to tap into various life phases we all move through in order to provide individuals with prompts reminding them where they possibility were at points in their legacy journey. In addition, I will raise question about events that were happening in your home environments as

well as events in the world (wars, travel, education, cultural and ethnic differences, life and death issues, etc.). At every period of our lives, we have a chance to express how we handle the personal, family, vocational, organizational and social aspects. As young adults, we were faced with an immediate learning curve in order to survive the demands put upon us. It is a learning period, and we all learned in one way or another that we need to give ourselves some slack as we move through stressful times. There is a great deal to be learned and passed on to others from our personal experiences.

Getting Started on your Legacy Journey

Most people do not give much thought to writing except for that occasional paper to fulfill a class assignment or a Christmas letter that hopefully will bring people up to date on what has happened in the family over the past year. Old letters are often valuable resources into the past and trigger events that have affected our lives. What I have found about writing is that if I let my mind freely associate with what part of my life journey I am working on, the result is that a lot of thoughts and ideas begin to surface that I was previously unaware of. Feelings related to a particular event in my life surface, and I find myself reliving that moment again with the same kind of enthusiasm as if it had just happen. Something that was inside on my mind has suddenly come into consciousness and become visible to my thinking, feeling world. I have stopped being surprised at what shows up; all I know is that it is exciting and real and a part of who I was and who I am. What is happening in the process is our ability to tap into the minds "lifetime recorder" and retrieve legacy information. The word "legacy" means to bequeath or to freely give something to another. It could be money or a treasure handed down from parent to child or grandchild. It could also be a possession of stories, thoughts and experiences from one's life that helps others understand how the pieces fit and contribute to their pattern as they live life in their days. The satisfying thing about the overall experience is that it is willfully done by the one whose life story is being told and therefore is authentic in its content. It is also presented by the author, as a gift, to others for their edification and well-being. We should think of writing as a story that is unique because it is our story and can only be written by the one who walked in the shoes of the writer. It does not have to be perfect; bad grammar and spelling should not hinder your writing. It can start anywhere you choose and end anywhere you choose. If you desire a finished product, then you can come later and put it all together. If you follow the process suggested, it will be a short jump to put it into book form.

SECTION ONE: PUTTING OUR LIFE PIECES TOGETHER

1. How the Environment Affects our Lives

We live in environments where certain events happen that influence our responses to life. As we all know, life is not always a smooth ride, and sometimes the bumps and bruises are painful and hard to accept just as we learn to accept praise when we achieve a particular milestone in our life. Unfaltering support and encouragement are appreciated in both areas of failure and success. To recall our past is to roll back the mind tape and extract those meaningful experiences that are lingering around and waiting to be found. Recalled events will trigger "memory spots" that open up those important and forgotten times in your life. Lets dip into environments and events to test what we have been saying. Change in the last three decades has been phenomenal. It drives the way we respond to conditions that no longer hold meaning for us. The following chart illustrates common paradigm shifts:
Old Response Against New Response For Action Assume a pro-active stand and advocate what one is for. Seeing the whole picture rather than just the individual pieces. Surviving with meaning and intention. Connections are made and equality is recognized. Recognizing a quality relational policy. A winning profile! Achieve a balance of the human-ecology system. Team work! The public option.

Mechanistic

Holistic

Survival of the Fittest Institution Quantity Win/lose Product or Environment Competitive to Health care for the privileged

Survival of the Wisest Network Quality Win/win Product and Environment Collaborative Health care for all

2. Warm-up Exercises (its fun comparing notes with a close friend or relative)

Recall what you were told was happening in the world when you were born and as you were growing up that affected your life in one way or another (i.e., wars, state of economy, depression, trends, presidents and their achievements and disasters, technology, changes in communications, in travel.....Those Paradigm Shifts What do you remember about your playmates when you started school (i.e., birthday parties, games you played, trouble you got into, seasons of the year that were special to you, ) Are you in contact with any of your friends today? What are your early memories of your parents and special things you shared (county fair, the circus, the farm, visiting grandparents, family gatherings, swimming holes). Special Events that meant a great deal to be stored in your memory Bank! What interesting experiences happened to you during the first six years of grade school (favorite and disliked teachers, sports you played, hobbies, vacations, train and bus trips, the first time you traveled alone, sleepovers at friends homes, etc.) What pops into your mind about junior high and high school (girlfriends, boyfriends, what you excelled in, embarrassing moments, what you are remembered for, awards and gifts you received, gifts you gave to others, etc. Who were the people that most influenced you up to age of 18

We will get into the life stages in a few minutes... this was just a warm up....how did you do?

3. Understanding and Balancing our Life Dimensions

To balance the dimensions of our life is to create the possibilities of a new life flow.
10

The first dimension is the physical and equates to our personal energy and stamina levels necessary to make us fully functional in our everyday living. Having good health and being in balance with the other three dimensions of your life gives you a favorable advantage to pursue your dreams and fulfill your life expectations. Without sufficient energy and stamina, we have difficulty advancing our lives. What kind of energy did you have? The second dimension is the emotional and equates with our well being and sensitivities to and about life. Our well-being is satisfied when we experience positive vibes about our life purpose and a sense of happiness and fulfillment in what we are about and who we share life with. Our sensitivities alert us to the values of being connected, available and in harmony with our own needs as well as the needs of others. Were your life connections supportive for you? The third dimension is the intellectual dimension and equates with our personal understanding and creativity. Understanding is the ability to apply information we have acquired and act in ways that affirm the principles by which we live to enhance our pursuit of excellence and the quality life we seek for ourselves and others. Creativity is the way we envision solutions to issues we confront to provide resolve and further our own well-being and the well being of others. How did you use your intellect to improve your life? The fourth dimension is the spiritual and equates to our relatedness and life perspectives. The spiritual perspective is about people and relationships evolving into better human interaction that moves beyond distrust, fear and hostility. Spirituality offers relationships that move beyond the boundaries of the human experience that can be connected to what a person believes life can become through positive belief and faith, This evolves into a life perspective that sees and envisions what is possible, instilled with a belief in what they can be achieve. The balance in the dimensions of your life makes a new life flow possible by introducing: Quality over appearances Ethics over rules Knowledge over achievement Integrity over domination Serenity over acquisition Have you ever felt your life to be out of balance? In what way?

4. Empowering your Life

11

To advance your life purpose, you need a process to empower your life. To begin empowering yourself requires a safety net in all the dimensions of your life and relationships. How How How How and and and and when when when when do do do do you you you you feel safe intellectually? feel safe emotionally? feel safe physically? fee safe spiritually?

To empower yourself is to establish positive regard within you and others. Do you affirm positive regard for yourself? Do others share positive regard for you and you for them?

To empower yourself is to establish open communication between you and others. Do you find it easy to communicate with others? Does communication freely flow when you are you in groups of people?

To empower yourself you need to experience productive activity in your life and with others. Most important is that the activity has a meaningful end result. As a result of your levels of safety, regard and open communication, do you experience greater productivity and personal satisfaction in what you have done? Do groups you are with have a sense of sharing and pride in what has been done by individuals alone and the group as a whole?

To empower yourself is to be able to celebrate personal achievement and the success of others. What does celebrating a personal achievement mean to you? Do those you spend time with find meaning in celebrating a success and what does it do (or not do) to increase the morale of the group?

4. Understanding Your Natural Development Cycle

12

According to human development theory, human beings healthfully grow, develop and become fulfilled in a natural cycle of attachment, bonding, separation and individuation. Stated another way, healthy life follows the natural cycle of coming together harmoniously; uniting with one another, with nature, or with an experience; exchanging what we have to offer and receiving what we need; and moving off to do our own thing. Each successful completion of the cycle provides a way to exchange commodities that nourish growth and development. Regular repetition of the cycle culminates in the fulfillment of your life's purpose. This natural cycle advances in a logical progression, but it does not occur without effort. The more effort you put into advancing the cycle, the easier it becomes to move through it. Whenever you experience positive energy that nourishes your life's purpose coming from yourself, others or the environment, you feel safe. Safety enables you to make positive connections that lead to open communication. This, in turn, stimulates productive activity, culminating in success and rewards and celebration. Rewards and celebration reinforce and affirm your purpose and strengthen your sense of safety. Thus, the empowering cycle parallels the natural growth cycle and advances your purpose. With each repetition, your life's purpose emerges like a blooming flower. Recall some of the life cycle experiences you have passed through!

6. What makes you Functional?

13

To become functional, you must nourish yourself through an empowering cycle that builds energy and leads to a level of increased comfort and creativity. Typically, human beings are nourished by praise, understanding, acceptance, realistic performance expectations and incorporation. Here are the five levels of human functionality:

(LEVEL ONE)
SAFETY ESTABLISHMENT OF SELF PROVIDES IDENTITY AND LEADS TO ATTACHMENT AND BONDING

(LEVEL TWO)
POSITIVE CONNECTIONS ATTACHMENT AND BONDING OF SELF TO PEOPLE AND GOALS PROVIDES ATTACHMENT AND BONDING, LEADING TO ENGAGEMENT

(LEVEL THREE) OPEN COMMUNICATION ENGAGEMENT OF SELF WITH OTHERS AND THE ENVIRONMENT STRENGTHENS BONDING THROUGH ENGAGEMENT WITH OTHERS AND THE ENVIRONMENT (LEVEL FOUR) PRODUCTIVITY ACTIVITY ACTUALIZATION THAT LEADS TO FULFILLMENT PROVIDES CREATIVITY AND LEADS TO INCORPORATION

(LEVEL FIVE) REWARDS & CELEBRATION INCORPORATION THAT BUILDS EMOTIONAL SAFETY PROVIDES INTIMACY AND LEADS TO ESTABLISHMENT AT DEEPER LEVELS

List some of your most functional experiences and the results from those experiences

7. What makes you Dysfunctional?

14

To be dysfunctional we are dis-empowered through an energy buildup that leads to discomfort and frustration. Our dysfunctionality is nourished by blame, ridicule, humiliation, unrealistic performance expectations and alienation Here are the five levels of human dysfunctionality:

(LEVEL ONE)
DANGER/THREAT DIS-ESTABLISHMENT OF SELF THREATENS IDENTITY AND LEADS TO DETACHMENT FROM PEOPLE AND GOALS

(LEVEL TWO)
NEGATIVE RELATIONS DETACHMENT ISOLATION REINFORCES DETACHMENT AND LEADS TO ISOLATION

(LEVEL THREE)
UNCLEAR OR CLOSED COMMUNICATION DISENGAGEMENT WITH OTHERS REINFORCES ISOLATION AND LEADS TO ALIENATION

(LEVEL FOUR)
UNPRODUCTIVE/DESTRUCTIVE ACTIVITY ALIENATES AND ISOLATES SELF AND OTHERS PROVIDES FALSE SENSE OF SAFETY AND POWER

(LEVEL FIVE)
CONFUSION/CONFLICT/VIOLENCE DESTRUCTION OF SELF VENTILATES PAIN AND HEIGHTENS ISOLATION AND INTENSIFIES DANGER

List some of your most dysfunctional experiences and the results stemming from those experiences

8. Acquiring Self-Esteem

15

Self-esteem is your personal signature to others about who you are and what you are about. There are four basic steps essential for acquiring high selfesteem: attitude, action, achievement and acknowledgment. Attitude Have a good attitude about yourself and take pride in your achievements. To accept yourself as you are is to have high self-esteem. To reject yourself is to have low self-esteem. Appreciate your own worth and importance. Learn to filter out the critical and bad thoughts and input the constructive and good thoughts. Dont accept only the input coming to you from others; take control and purposely input your own positive thoughts. Create the best model you can of yourself. Acknowledge that you are the one controlling the assembly line of your development. Remember you are what you think. Our words are our personal language that describes what we think about ourselves. Words define you. The more we take charge of the words that describe us the more we put self into self-esteem. Remember the major sources of the thoughts we have about ourselves are what we hear and experience, and what we say to ourselves. Action Be accountable for yourself. Act on your decisions and accept the consequences of those actions. Talk without action will not solve problems. Self-esteem is built on a step-by-step progression of successes, and successes are the result of meaningful actions. Achievement Think of those things you did that lead to compliments or promotions or recognitions in your life. Recall how you felt at those moments of success. Wasnt it pure contentment and a sense of pride about what had been achieved? Achieving and maintaining that happy, satisfied feeling of success is what were talking about. Acknowledgment When you accomplishment a task be it baking a cake, signing up a customer, or bringing a new representative into your organization you begin to feel better about yourself and more confident about your next plan of action. This is acknowledging your success, which leads to higher self-esteem. Your task is to structure successes into your life; to create a success cycle by performing tasks you know youll perform well. Remember: Attitude leads to Action, which leads to Achievement. Which, when Acknowledged, leads to higher self-esteem.

16

9. Name an experience in your life that lead to higher self -esteem;

17

10. Acquiring Human Esteem

Human esteem is the mutual valuing that occurs between people based on a comprehension of our a likeness and relatedness, regardless of culture, the historical era in which we live, or our sex or race. It is something that occurs within and between people. Self-esteem, on the other hand, is determined by the qualities ones culture values. The Concepts of Human Esteem Every human being is born a princess or prince. Early experiences have convinced some that they are frogs. Individuals start off in an autonomous state that is the power we possess, used or unused, to direct our energy to create our individual lives. Human esteem is the recognition that healthy beliefs about ourselves are equally true for others. The difference between whether we function autonomously or as victims is determined by what we believe about ourselves. Fight, flight and resolution are options available when faced with problems and issues. Gentleness is a powerful human resource that is often neglected, particularly in dealing with the self. There are two primary ways that we relate and feel about ourselves and about others: being for or being against. We choose how we relate. Behavior patterns established in early experiences and reinforced throughout life can cause us to be on our case (against) when we need to be on our side (for). Positive self-confrontation is the most effective way to stimulate change and using it intentionally strengthens our sense of autonomy. Establishing core beliefs are the foundation of the belief systems we use to direct our lives. Energy is always moving either toward creativity or defensiveness. Affirming that we are adequate is the first and essential step in accomplishing our goals. Whether we view self, others and the world as okay is determined by our core beliefs. Examining our Core Beliefs I and all people are I and all people are I and all people are I and all people are I and all people are capable powerful loveable valuable equal

11. How Others Affect You

18

How have you experienced actions that changed how you felt about yourself or others? Here are some examples of self-confirmation you may recognize: Someone speaking words of encouragement Giving or receiving a loving hug Feeling the gentle touch of another human being Supportive action instead of condemnation in something you were struggling with Being thanked for your kindness when you helped someone in trouble Inclusion in a decision, activity or game where you felt needed An invitation to a party when you were feeling alone or isolated Being called by your own name in the presence of new acquaintances Offering of understanding when things are not going right for you Affirmation of ideas that you shared with a friend Recognition of your time and energy spent in completing a task Trust within a relationship that is free of pre-set conditions Recognition by others of your achievements Freedom of space that others grant you to do your thing

In your life, someone or something made you feel different about yourself. We often experience a serendipity event where we have an awareness about ourselves and begin to believe in ourselves and better understand what it is we are called upon to become. We begin to distinguish between the good vibes of life and the bad vibes that do us in. As we flush these vibes out of our life ,encounters, we begin to find a way to tell our life stories and gain understanding about what has given us meaning and what we want to pass on to others.

19

Each of us is worthy of creating a eulogy of our own life, to be passed on rather than left to someone who at our demise is called in to say a few words, yet knows nothing about us. The sadness of such an event is that someone else has determined our eulogy and, like the footprints in the sand, we are soon forgotten and passed into oblivion. So lets get on with the discovery and recording of your life experiences!

20

12. Why you should record your Legacy

Recording our own life legacy has several advantages. For one, no one can penetrate our mind and life experiences unless they are given permission by us. Your life history is locked up until it is released by you. If a person should die without a legacy, their life for the most part is lost and gone. All those important events evaporate into nothing. Second, the family those children born to you and the children of their childrens children want to know about you and how you grew up and made decisions about the direction your life took. They can not re-run the mind tape it belongs to you. How are they going to know you if the message on the tape has been lost? Third, a written legacy should reflect the feelings, thoughts and adventures of the person being spoken about. The legacy, like history, can be passed on for generations to enjoy if one takes the time to record it. Fourth, those who write their own legacy share the excitement they feel as they begin to recall things that, until that moment, remained hidden and waiting to be called out. Each life is a wonderful mixture of both the low and high points. For those that have survived, the award should be a legacy that inspires and encourages others to achieve the best they are capable of being. Fifth, the recall of ones legacy should be fun. Invite others to remember with you. Have them share what they recall. Exchange tapes, pictures, videos, etc., of your time together. It is hoped that the legacy outline will be used to trigger those spots on the mind tape that reflect a period in your life that you will recall, often much to your surprise. The adventure is never finished. Remember what baseball legend Yogi Berra once said: When you come to the fork in the road, take it! Explore the forks in the road. Its your adventure take it!

21

13. Understanding our Life Stages

Lets take a look at what research has found as similar patterns of behavior at various stages in our lives. I am going to list the various life stages we past through and then give you some prompts to prime your recall of what might have been going on in your life at that particular time. These prompts are a resume of activities that are likely to happen in normal growth periods of ones life. It is designed to help you discover your essence and what it is that makes you that unique human being that others have experienced and want to know better. THE LIFE GROWTH PROCESS BY AGE (on following page).

22

Stage
Child

Age
0 - 12

Behavior & Activity Patterns

0-4: From a new-born child to pre-school Totally dependent on others for survival Primary environment of influence: home Secondary environments if influence: church, pre-school, neighborhood 5-12: Grade school to pre-teen Learning basic skill levels for survival and beginning social development Primary environment of influence: home, school Secondary environments of influence: church, youth organizations, neighborhood groups, other peerstructured relationships Adolescent to young adulthood Advanced skill levels and testing social skills Individual competence and self efficacy First phase of young adulthood Strive toward social maturity Open to marriage; Testing of personal skills in vocational settings; Sorting out of life dimensions Setting goals and objectives Determining primary life focus and purpose Experimentation and testing Young to middle adulthood Major appraisal of goals established for the early young adult stage Settle into realistic expectations for your 30s based on the success or failures experienced in your twenties Family demands challenge personal time allocations Vocational work needs to satisfy financial needs Life purpose needs to be clearly defined Strive to find a balance against the many demands made upon you Middle adulthood Time of reality testing as to whether you are going to meet the expectations of marriage, family, vocational, social and personal development goals Need to balance the dimensions of your life Usually a career or job change Address physical and mental state and issues Strive to settle self efficacy issues Older middle adulthood You accept your role and accomplishment, and strive to make it count toward retirement Most of the children are gone and the empty nest syndrome is present with spousal adjustment necessary Question of survival options are considered in future plans Opportunity to establish social life and free-time activities Older adulthood Retirement income is evaluated Income determines the mode of retirement that will fit the pocketbook Retirement is balanced against necessities such as extended care insurance, medical coverage, inflation and other critical life issues; Planning retirement is necessary to fulfill a quality life experience Facing the reality of a longer life span requires additional monieswhere are they going to come from Later older adulthood Good nutrition and physical exercise ensures life into the 90s and beyond Fragility becomes an issue when the body starts breaking down Putting your life in order making sure wills and trusts express desires Seeking to resolve issues, find solace and enjoy a quiet existence Living alone becomes a reality with the loss of loved ones Residential housing with patient care becomes viable option

Critical Transitions
4-6

12 - 14

Adolesc Young

13 - 17 18 - 29

18 - 21 29 - 31

Young

30 - 38

39 - 42

Middle

39 -52

51 - 53

Middle

53 - 65

64 - 67

Older

66 - 80

80 - 85

Older

81+

90+

23

14.The Life Flow from Childhood to Adulthood

The life flow is what we all go through. It's like learning to eat. A baby starts out with milk, moves to strained food, then solids. To do it otherwise is disastrous. Maturity represents the adult flow that allows us to move from total dependency to self-sufficiency, which helps us become capable of handling our own affairs in an efficacious manner. We use the flow to trigger events in our life that have meaning and contributed to our growth and the story of our life. The Child A childs life is centered on the home and influenced by play, school and church. From these influences, the child begins to learn the building blocks necessary for getting along in life and with others. Dr. Robert Philips, M.D., has outlined some healthy core beliefs that should be regularly taught and reinforced in children as they progress through normal developmental stages. The basic ascription messages are: Survive. Take care of yourself. Be competent. Be close to others. Learn by trial and error. Have fun. Take care of others. Think for yourself. Feel what you feel.

The Adolescent The adolescent moves from childhood and away from home control toward adulthood accountability. To become an adult, the adolescent needs to achieve: Independence from parents and others adults. Mature attitudes and positive relations with the opposite sex. Individual competence economic and otherwise. A working philosophy by which to govern their life.

24

The Adult The adult is a self-directed individual who has: Achieved individual independence and self efficacy as a person. Accountability and responsibility for the relational lifestyle favored, be it single, same sex relationships, or marriage and a family. Developed skills for effective social living. Attained a state of economic independence. Earned recognition as a citizen of community. Established principles and values to guide their life.

25

15. Questions to Ponder

Of the ascriptions mentioned, which of the above were you encouraged to develop and how successful were you in achieving these goals when you were a child? What would you say are the most important things a child should experience before they enter school? What would you say, reflecting on your early years, that a young child should experience between ages of 5 - 12-years-old? Can you recall any time in your early life? An awareness within you that you were not alone in life that you found meaning in sharing your life with others you trusted or others who shared their life with you and perhaps influenced you in different ways (schoolmates, teachers, parents, family members, etc.)? As a child, can you remember those secret places in your life where you felt secure, safe and comfortable? As an adult do you still find those places of retreat, reflection and meditation where you can reflect about your life and some things you want to achieve or change in your life? If you were able to go back in your life to when you were a child, what would you change? What were those novel events in your young life those special books, stories, plays, concerts, songs, singers, speakers that captured your imagination and allowed you to enter other worlds and other times? Is day dreaming a pleasure you still enjoy at times in your life?

26

SECTION TWO: THE EARLY YEARS UP TO ADULTHOOD

27

Questions from my Grandson

Now, lets have some fun answering my grandsons questions. Give it a whirl like you were answering questions from your own grandchild. Do it in your own comfortable way. Remember that you are just a special person responding to someone who is special and wants to know more about the person they have come to love and respect! I think you'll enjoy remembering events that have long been forgotten; and even more fun will be had when you begin sharing them with your kids and grandchildren. Maybe when youre through, you can bind your work of art. The questions range from my early family life, activities and friendships to my schooling and working life. Give it your best shot. Formative Years I know that when I think of my great grandparents on both my mother and fathers side, I imagine them as living during the early history of our country. What can you tell me about them? I have often wondered about some of the immediate family that came before me. Can you tell me about my grandparents on both sides? How big were their families? Do I have any distant cousins and are any of them living? Were the families close to one another? How can I trace some of my ancestors? Who were your parents and where did they come from ? Where did they grow up? How did they meet? What kind of work did they do? Did they show a lot of affection for each other? What did they do for each other that was special?

28

Where were you born? Where did you live after you were born? Did you live in the country or the city? Do you remember anything about the house or the rooms you lived in? What do your parents recall about your birth? When you were born, did you resemble your mother or father? What physical characteristics were passed on to you? What can you tell me about the world when you were born and growing up (wars, depression, good times, U.S. presidents, family difficulties, etc.) How did these events affect you? What where the most memorable events you experienced when you were growing up? Did you have any frightening memories or scary times when you were growing up? How did you entertain yourself when you were young? Did you have special friends with whom you played? Did you play more outdoors or indoors? Was it cold where you lived? What games did you play in the winter time? Who were the heroes in your life? Did you have favorite hiding places? Did you have any favorite books?

29

Special times when you could be alone? Did you have any idea when you were young what you wanted to do or be when you grew up? Can you recall your first Christmas? Do you remember your presents? What do you remember about the friends you played with before you started school? (birthday parties, games you played, trouble you got in to, seasons of the year, etc.) What are some of your favorite memories from before you started school? What are your early memories about starting school? What did you like best about school? What interesting experiences happened to you during your first six years of grade school (favorite or disliked teachers, sports you played, vacations you took, train and bus trips, the first time you traveled alone, overnight stays at friends houses, etc.) Can you remember your teachers? Did you have a favorite teacher? What games did you play at school and at home? Did you participate in any special events like school plays? Did you go to any special places when you were in school (museums, plays, etc.)? Do you still remember classmates that you went to school with? Do you still correspond with classmates from that time? What values and beliefs did your parents pass on to you?

30

What were some of the philosophies and values your parents had about life? Where they acceptable to you? Do you practice any of them today? What religious training did you have when you were young? Was it helpful to you? Did you pass your religious beliefs on to your children? Did your parents follow their religious beliefs? Do you resemble any of your parents patterns (i.e., the way they did things) or traditions that you passed on to your family? What fun things did you do with your family that brought you happiness? What chores or responsibilities did you have when you were growing up? What are your early memories of your parents and special things you shared? (the fair, the farm, visiting grandparents, family gatherings, swimming holes, etc.) Do you have pictures from those days you could share with others? What were the best memories that brought you joy when you were a child? Were there moments when you experienced special love with a special friend, a pet or someone who reached out to you? When a person says they are your best friend, what does that mean? What does it take to be a good friend?

31

Junior High School Years

What did you do in junior high school that was new and different then grade school? What world events were happening that affected your life? What sports did you play? What were your favorite studies or activities? Which subjects were your most difficult? Did you have a job of any kind when you were in junior high? When did you do for fun? Describe the kind of parties you attended or had, and with whom? Did you have any girlfriends, special friends and buddies? What were some of your favorite memories of your junior high years? What were some of your most difficult times? Are there things that you feel were disrupting to your life (i.e., verbal or physical abuses of any kind)? Were your parents supportive of your activities? Where you restricted in any way by your parents? What do you wish your children or grandchildren could experience that you experienced when you were in junior high?

32

High School Years

Did your life change much from when entered high school? What additional responsibilities were added to your schedule? What special privileges or events were you involved with in high school? Who were your friends and what did you do together? Separately? What secrets did you keep from your parents during this time? Who among your teachers influenced you the most? Who were your heroes and those you most admired? What were you favorite subjects? What kind of groups did you participate in? Did you feel wanted? Did you have a lot of family functions during this time? Did you invite your friends? Did you have any part-time jobs when you were going to high school? If so, what did you do? What did you learn from them? Was your high school a pleasant experience for you? When did you graduate? What were your best moments in high school? What were your worst moments in high school? What did you want to do when you graduated from high school? What dreams did you have and how did you set out to achieve them?

33

Additional Questions Can you recall any exceptional experiences you had as a child or adolescent that helped shape who or what you wanted to become in your adult life? What were the most important choices you had to make as you were growing up and moving through adolescence? Did you feel you had a lot of self-esteem as a teenager and young adult? Who were the people that most influenced your life? How did you choose your first vocation? How many vocational job changes have you had so far in your life? How did you choose your girlfriends? What does one look for in selecting a special mate? When I begin to love somebody, what should I know about love? Have you traveled a great deal? Where have you traveled? What are your memories about your trips? Are you still active in sports? Are you healthy without a lot of aches and pains? You and grandma look happy living together. What do you think keeps you happy and staying together? What do you think about society today? What are its good points? What are some of its bad points? What do you think of the world today? How has it changed from the time you were a child my age?

34

What would you change if you had the power to change it? Do you have a favorite color? What is your favorite pie? What are your favorite songs today? Are any of the old songs from when you were growing up still popular today? Did music affect you when you heard a song played? Does music make you feel better? Can you remember how you felt when you sang or played a favorite song? What did you want to do when you retired? Are you doing it? What are the important things that I should know about myself? What are the most important things I should practice and do to make my life happy and successful? I want to live a quality life! If you were to give me a list of things I should do in order to be well balanced (like you) and fulfilled as a young person what would they be? What can you pass on to me from your life experiences? Are there still things you would like to accomplish?

35

How did you make out answering the questions?

Those writing their legacy will realize that they have lived in one of the most dramatic times in the history of the earth. We have lived through the horse and buggy stage to marvels of putting men and women on the moon. In the 20th century alone, more technology has evolved than ever before. You have lived to tell the story from your perspective and how it has shaped your life and the direction it has taken. We will now move to the adulthood stages of your life. The prompts and guidelines of each life phase will provide you with the necessary recall to remember events that were important to your life and the shaping of your destiny. Feel free to go back and examine some of the things we were meant to achieve in order to have a full and valued life.

36

SECTION THREE: ADULTHOOD

37

1. Entering Adulthood (18 - 23)

Issue Entering the adulthood stage

Situational Needs Establishing an independent lifestyle and support system: o What were your thoughts about the kind of life style you wanted to establish at this stage in your young adulthood. Testing male and female relationships: o What are your memories regarding how you chose your early adulthood relationships? o How did your chosen relationships contribute to your overall life purpose and goals? Exploring educational and vocational choices: o Why did you feel the need to (or not to) have further educational experiences? o What did you want to achieve from your education? o How did you decide which vocation would be right for you? o What did you want from the job you were seeking? o Was there any connection between your job and your life purpose? Discovering the roles one plays in individual, group and institutional settings: o What did you discover about yourself in your new adult role? o What roles can you remember playing in different social groups in which you were involved? o Did your image change in regards to what you wanted from each group?
38

o How did your role change when you were involved with institutions or organizations? Discovering what it is to be accepted and belong: o What did you do to be accepted by others? o What was involved in belonging to someone or some group of which you wanted to be a part? Growth Tasks Finding a place to live that has an element of safety and security: o Where was the first place you lived as an adult in an adult environment? Finding meaningful places and events to encounter male and female companionship: o Where did you like to hang out? o Why did you like it? Thinking about what it will take to accomplish a desired lifestyle and an economic base to support it: o How did you support your lifestyle? o What did you learn in addressing this issue of getting what you want to succeed? Applying balance to the principles of personal give and take requires skill in mature adult relationships: o How did you balance the give and take in your new role as a young adult? Discovering how you are needed and valued through your unique contributions and attributes as a person: o What particular attributes and skills enhanced your value as a person? Determining your fulfillment of self-efficacy (ability to complete what you set out to do): o How did you recognize your feelings of fulfillment?

39

o How did you empower yourself to achieve the things you wanted to accomplish and change in your life? Assessment of Individual Resources Matching your acquired life experiences to jobs that provide basic support to your needs: o How do you feel you matched or mismatched yourself to your jobs? o Did you find the support needed to fulfill your expectations in the job? Experiencing high levels of self-esteem for self as well as human esteem toward others in working relationships and opportunities of community service: o How did you achieve or experience personal self-esteem during these years? Understanding and developing the core values of human esteem, which nurture personal well- being: o What were the core values you believed enhanced human esteem for you and others? Evaluating job positions to see if they fulfill your personal purpose and what it is you want to achieve: o How was your purpose defined as a young adult and how did you use it to achieve your goals at this time in your life? Assessing your skills and talents that best serve your development and connections in the adult world: o Who were the people you encountered at this time that could help you advance your life purpose and goals? Testing what it is that makes others like you and whether this is in agreement with your valued self: o Is what others liked about you and wanted you to be what you wanted to be and liked about yourself?

40

Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks Summary Basic tasks to complete in the early stage of young adulthood: o The ability to begin and sustain a satisfactory lifestyle o To develop close relationships with members of the same and opposite sex o The satisfaction and experience of newly acquired skills and job experiences o The sense and confidence of ones ability to move ahead o The feeling of good self-esteem and human esteem and acceptance by others o The sense of being valued, recognized, and rewarded for one's effort and work Additional Questions Do you feel as a young adult starting out that you satisfactorily completed the above tasks? Were there areas in which you struggled? What memorable things happened to you as you moved through the transition years from adolescence to young adulthood? Can you tell others about other meaningful encounters that shaped your early adulthood? Are there things you wished you could have done but didn't do? What ascriptions (worthwhile advice) do you have to pass on to the next generation regarding this transition from adolescence into young adulthood?

41

2. Early Adulthood (24 - 29)

Issue Establishing adulthood structure

Situational Needs Identifying and establishing a vocational focus with appropriate skill levels: o How did you develop your vocational focus with the skill levels you acquired? Identifying further educational goals necessary to accomplish your vocational dream: o What vocational or educational goals did you need to achieve to accomplish your dream? o How did you accomplish your educational or vocational task(s)? o How were you mentored? o From whom did you receive the most help and support? Testing relationships and life experiences with significant others that would ultimately lead to a meaningful and stable life structure: o What did you look for in that significant other to complement your life? o Of all the good advice you received from others, what was most helpful to you? Looking at your life structure from the following perspectives: o A definition of your life purpose and its harmonic resonance with: Your job and its meaning in fulfilling your life purpose and well-being The balance between your personal intrinsic needs and the external demands placed on you by others

42

A determination of how much energy you want to spend on issues of society and the larger needs of community o How successful were you in dealing with the above perspectives? Establishing a meaningful life structure between the valued self and the adult society: o How much help did you expect from the following segments of your adult society in achieving your life structure: Peers Neighbors Work associates Organization people Clubs Church Others people or groups you associated with Testing the adult role in a variety of initial choices: o How did you handle issues of personal safety in the following dimensions of your life? Emotional well-being Physical well-being Spiritual well-being Intellectual well-being o Were you open and trustful of other people? o Were you open to sharing and exchanging ideas and information? o With whom did you share with most? o What did you feel you learned from others? o Did you become more productive because of the sharing? o How did you celebrate your successes? Growth Tasks Evaluating your work experiences to determine which ones provided a sense of fulfillment: o Did you have good work experiences?

43

o Is so, why do feel they were successful? o Did you have bad work experiences? o If so, why were they bad? o Which ones needed to be dropped? o How did these experiences advance your life purpose? o Who were the significant others in your life that challenged and supported what you wanted to do? Addressing the lifestyle changes that you are experiencing in your midtwenties: o Were you satisfied with the earning power you were able to generate? o Did your earning power provide for what you wanted to do? o What memories (both enjoyable and bad) can you recall from this period of your life? o Did you wrestle with the choice between marriage or a career at this time in your life? o As you look back on the choice, did you the make right one? o What activities, issues, causes and/or events compelled you to take personal action? o What was the outcome of your actions? o Do you feel you successfully entered the adulthood with satisfactory recognition and support from those who were your peers or adults that were older than you? o In what parts of the adult world did you feel rejection?

o What did you do to overcome rejection?

44

Assessment of Individual Resources State how you feel you had developed a healthy structure of living by the way you were: o Connected to yourself and others. o Available to yourself and others. o In harmony with yourself and others. The triad of connection, availability and harmony frees us to pursue meaning and purpose with determination, support, enthusiasm and clarity: o What personal triad relationships and experiences can you recall that added meaning to your young adulthood experiences? o Were the time, effort and money spent to achieve your vocational goals rewarding to you? o Did you experience any awards or monetary compensation for your efforts? o How did you arrange the priorities in your life pursuant to your goals and personal needs? o Were you successful in achieving your goals? o Do you believe that marriage was a personal asset or deficit to what you wanted to accomplish at this point in your life? o Has marriage, or your choice to remain single, increased your effectiveness as a person in the adult community? o What activities have brought recognition, satisfaction and celebration to your life structure? o What organizational structures that you worked in created openness and support for the development of your adult person? o Who were those special people or mentors that encouraged and inspired you through their lives and actions to pursue your

45

dreams and use the talents and abilities you had to fulfill your expectations and dreams? Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks Summary Evaluate your work as personally satisfying as well as raising your status and recognition within the adult structure. The acknowledgment of valid contributions by significant others to your personal development, well-being and happiness. Achieve sufficient earning power to support the lifestyle and causes that you are involved with. Sufficient self-esteem to cope with situations in which your vulnerability or novice position may be exposed. Believe that you can make significant contributions as an adult within the adult structure. Pursue new experiences that contribute to personal growth and the pursuit of excellence. Recognize that experimentation and failure are part of our growth and accept that failing in a task does not make you a failure but gives you courage to adjust, to be open in trying again.

Additional Questions Do you feel as a young adult in the first phase of young adulthood that you have satisfactorily completed the above tasks? Were there areas in which you struggled and needed help? What would you do differently? What ascription would you offer to those who follow?

46

3. Early Adulthood Transition (30 - 33)

Issue Determining with greater clarity how dreams of your twenties can become realities and what changes are necessary to bring this about

Situational Needs Recognizing the flaws of the first adult structure and begin to correct them: o What were some of the flaws you recognized in your first adulthood development structure? o What were some of the significant accomplishments you achieved in the first adulthood structure? o How did you feel you could improve on what you had accomplished? o In evaluating groups and organizations that you belonged to, what were some of the expectations required from you? o Were these expectations reasonable to you? o In your serious relationships with significant others, what demands and commitments were asked that would satisfy the relationship? o How did you handle demands that were unreasonable and detrimental to the relationship? o What kind of a statement did your lifestyle make about your personal purpose and intentions regarding what you wanted to accomplish in this part of your life period? Growth Tasks Making adjustments to ensure the outcome of personal choices will enhance the realities of achievement and success during the crucial years of the thirties.

47

Assessing the dreams of work, family and relationships to see where they are in development and in response to the expectations you hoped to achieve: o What adjustments did you feel were necessary to keep things on track for what you wanted to see happening in your life structure during this period of development? o What organizations benefited from your personal, career and social development in your thirties? o What new skills did you feel you needed to assist you in handling relational, family and career development?

Determining in spousal relationships the needs of each person and the mutual support that is necessary to ensure commitment to the continuing relationship and the attainment of the adult life structure that is satisfying to each: o What adjustments did you feel were necessary to achieve a harmonic relationship in the marriage? Determining how your lifestyle affects your relationship with your spouse and whether it is mutually beneficial or detrimental to your and their life goals and pursuits: o What things did you need to retain or change in your lifestyle to make you more effective in the relationship with your spouse?

Assessment of Individual Resources Personal repeated observations of other peers in similar life pursuits is a good indicator of where and how you stand in relation to them: o What effect or entrainment did you have on others that would encourage them to copy your behavioral manners or achievements? Assessing individual and group learning experiences and the application and effectiveness of personal skill levels within your social-economic world as well as the development of self in the life adult structure: o How did you feel others contributed to your learning experiences and personal skill development?

48

Personal priorities and deliberate commitments of your time are good indicators of where you want to belong and what you will make a serious commitment to: o What did establishing priorities and commitments tell you about whom and what you wanted to belong and be part of? Exploring group encounters and personal counseling in evaluating relationships that make heavy demands and what is expected in sustaining the relationship: o Where have you sought support for personal answers to questions that are sometimes too complex or heavy to manage by yourself? Committing to persons, causes, events and institutions make a statement about your beliefs and value systems that are considered essential to an adulthood life structure: o How do you think your beliefs and values served you as you carried out your lifestyle process?

49

4. Last Stage of Early Adulthood (34 - 38)

Beginning the correction of things in the first adult life structure that are not in line with your dream or how you envision the good life to be developing. Making goals and objectives attainable from the first life structure by developing and applying ones abilities and resources to achieve the desired end. Assessing how my life is enhanced by the presence and experiences of others and how these good experiences can be exploited into my own experience. o Who has influenced your growth and development because of who they were and what they accomplished? o Did you entrain people you admired to enhance your life style and image? o Can you recall who these people were? Adjusting goals and objectives so as to make a new statement about what is your new agenda and what it is you want to achieve: o How strong is your statement about your purpose and the things you want to do in this time period of your life? Understanding the conceptual development of beliefs and values and the formation of life principles and actions resulting from these beliefs and values: o How much of what you believe and value is a truly reflective statement of what others know as your essence (that unique self) and character (the marks that distinguish you) of who you are?

Issue Building a second adult life structure (i.e., a settling down and "reality testing" period)

Situational Needs

50

Highly motivated to establishing yourself in the adult world and making a major investment of time and energy in this pursuit: o What motivated you to advance your social and economic position in your thirties? o What steps did you take to achieve this?

Gaining recognition as a valuable person and an asset to the socialeconomic world: o What new things did others expect of you? o Were you able to respond to their requests? o Did you feel any new pressures related to your work and family?

Building a solid financial future: o How did you plan to build your financial future? o Did you have anyone that you could talk to regarding your plans?

Achieving the highest level of competency in your chosen vocation is a mindful goal: o Wanting to be number one but sometimes ending up in the number two position is disappointing. If you were in this position, how did you handle it? Feeling needed by others: o How did you establish the process of bonding with others? o In wanting to feel needed, was there a sharing of mutual experiences that lead to deeper relationships and openness of communication?

Feeling a sense of effectiveness in reaching your goals and objectives: o How did you monitor your goals and objectives to know when you had reached your desired objective? o How did you celebrate your accomplishments and victories at this time in your life?

51

Believing that what one is doing is building a future: o How did you sustain your belief that what you were doing was able to be achieved? Accepting the different roles assigned to your successful development: o Were the roles you found yourself assuming satisfying to you? o Did you feel helpful or useful in fulfilling these roles? o Did you ever feel the need to leave your role and become someone else?

Acquiring a strong sense of self-esteem: o How did you sustain your self-esteem? o Did you ever experience depression, placing your self-esteem into question? o How did your regain your self-esteem when you were down? o How did you develop the power and capability to achieve a desired change in your life?

Growth Tasks Determining what organizations are essential to the development of your goals and objectives before joining and embracing their work: o How did your life purpose and vocation purpose come together to create a strong harmonic resonance about what you were doing? Contributing to the work organization connected to your career choice that lead to suggestions for efficiency and effectiveness in accomplishing goals and objectives: o How did you achieve the art of self-efficacy (the power and capacity) to get things done (or changed) that needed to be done and changed? Establishing merit in your work with expectation of a salary commensurate to the task: o How were you rewarded for your pursuit of excellence and outstanding performance?

52

o Was there ever a time when you were overlooked for something you felt your superiors should have recognized? Accomplishing those extra things that set you aside as being a leader and not simply a facilitator: o What were those things you did that determined your leadership style? o Do you feel others recognized your leadership and followed your leads? Establishing authentic working relationships with co-workers that facilitates a more effective way to do the job: o As a leader, were you more task-oriented or people-oriented? Monitoring the expectations of your goals and objectives in measurable terms and making sure this reflects smart thinking to assure satisfaction with the outcome: o What assurances did you receive that the job you were called upon to perform was satisfactory? Discovering how you fit into the structure and how to get promoted into the decision-making responsibilities of the organization: o How did you promote yourself to others? Be aware of new role development where relational responsibilities shift with age and experience such as in parenting, relationships, chairperson and administrative responsibilities, etc.: o When relational paradigm shifts were presented to you, how did you adjust to these required changes? Assessing the qualities of self-esteem you experience as you are elevated to higher positions of responsibility: o How have you been able to handle success and recognition in your adulthood growth?

Assessment of Individual Resources Organizational contacts are used to further your goals and objectives. People in mentoring positions begin to open doors to new opportunities.

53

Members of the various organizations experience your leadership abilities and reference others to your potential abilities. Your peers share information regarding opportunities that become available. Vocational choices are sharpened because of ones increased abilities and training experiences during the thirties. Acquiring the skills necessary for the job you are seeking adds a new sense of purpose, personal esteem and confidence in what you feel is your next constructive move up the social-economic ladder. Compensation and added value packages such as stock options and health care are part of the total job consideration when seeking a career change. Matching personal skills and abilities to the compensation package while taking into consideration ones life purpose and the fulfillment one expects to add to their life purpose through this particular choice of employment. Renewal and personal recognition of your achievements is directly related to your effectiveness and productive ability to achieve in personal, relational, family and organizational settings. Personal renewal comes about in the discovery of ones essence and life purpose. You are encouraged to have the dream, share the dream and, with the support, encouragement and communal effort of others, celebrate the fulfillment of the dream. Realizing the value and rewards shared with others in the authentic process of attachment, bonding, separating and individuation from which you learn your self-esteem as well as the esteem of others. Docking with others allows us to take on nutrients, let off toxic wastes, renew our purpose and then get on with the job of healthful and creative living. Individual resources personal and monetary are measured and assessed in relationship to the future and not the past.

54

The question of whether the dream held in the twenties and thirties can become a reality now and endure through middle adulthood up to 65 years old. What do I need to acquire, give up, or change in order to satisfy my dream?

Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks How much of an investment of time and energy will be required to achieve your goals and objectives? What are the important priorities at this point in your life and what are the trade-offs to support your priorities? Is the lifestyle you have established satisfying to what it is you want to be in fulfilling your purpose, to deepen your relationships, and achieve monetary freedom and a quality life? What changes do you anticipate at this time in your life related to personal growth and fulfillment, relational companionship, family transitions, organizational needs, and job security and fulfillment? What are the dreams and awards you have achieved thus far in your life? What are the next opportunities that you see as possible avenues of adventure? In building a future, what are the things that you want to achieve and what will make a significant difference in your life and the lives of others if you make these choices? In presenting yourself to others, does it truly reflect the person I am and does this become a basis for greater self-esteem and personal value for you?

Summary Additional Questions

55

5. Entering Middle Adulthood (39 - 44)

Issue Entering into the mid-life transition, a critical turning point in the life process

Situational Needs Raising difficult questions regarding the meaning, value, and direction of your life: o What have you done with your life and where are you now? o What do you get from or give to yourself, your wife, your children, your work, your friends and your community? o What is it you truly want for yourself and others? Developing a creative lifestyle in which you make choices and set priorities. Recognizing a culmination point at which you understand where you now stand and how far you can go in your pursuits.

Growth Tasks Evaluating the meaning of promotions or failures at work. Confronting major difficulties and affirm satisfactions in ones family life. Dealing with issues of personal health and related illness. Wrestling with the finiteness of life and the death of loved ones. Thinking of the possibility for self-renewal and creative involvement in your life as well as the lives of others. Working on the modification of your life dream.

56

Accepting the middle adulthood stage and taking the following actions: o Terminating the era of early adulthood after reviewing this era and reappraisal, what has to be done to fulfill my next life goals? o Taking first steps toward middle adulthood whereby you modify the negative elements of early adulthood and test new choices for middle-adulthood in the following way. o Deal with and resolving polarities that are sources of deep division within your life (i.e., young/old, destructiveness/creativity, masculine/feminine, attachment/separateness, etc.). o Reducing illusions, long-held assumptions and beliefs about the world and people that are not acceptable and, in some cases, not in line with your beliefs.

Assessment of Individual Resources Looking for human encounter groups that deal with vocational and career changes: o Marriage encounter groups are appropriate for shoring up marriages in this age range. o Family camps that deal with issues related to children/youth and young adults. o Study groups that deal with issues of morals/ethics. Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks Do you feel good about your vocational and career choices? Do you receive support and are you supportive of others in their career development? Is your family experiencing good parental/child relationships?

57

Do you feel support from your colleagues, family and friends? Do you feel good about your marriage? Do you know what to do if your marriage is faltering? How do you test yourself in engaging other adults in meaningful conversations? How do you evaluate what is exciting and challenging in your life? How confident are you about the future and your own well being? How do you evaluate that you can provide the support necessary to advance your family goals and educational achievements?

Summary Additional Questions

58

6. Middle Adulthood (45 - 60)

Issue Focusing on the future and becoming your own person

Situational Needs Making crucial choices, giving these choices meaning, and committing and building a life situation around them. Evaluating the success of life as measured by how you achieved: o Vocational goals. o Desired position on the social-economic ladder. o Affirmation within his occupational and social world. o Senior membership of that world with all the rewards and responsibilities that seniority brings. Resolving any relational issues and beginning to establish productive and positive results that enhance the well-being all parties. Creating and sustain higher levels of self-esteem and human esteem. Mastering selfefficacy, which retains the power or capacity to produce the desired effect you want to achieve.

Growth Tasks Examining family relationships and the lifestyle you want. Making necessary shifts related to occupational goals. Examining the satisfactions of your progress as reflected through ones creativity or upward mobility. Examining what it means to have children who are leaving the nest and becoming young adults on their own terms to establish their own lifestyles.

59

Concern over aging parents that are becoming more dependent thus changing your role within the family context. Determining the new paradigms that reflect changing times and conditions, and how you respond to the changes and demands of these changes.

Assessment of Individual Resources Re-evaluating yourself and your capabilities. Establishing a comfortable adjustment with limited goals and other satisfactions. Making your peace with the world by living with fewer illusions. Resolving midlife polarities and becoming more of an integrated person. Determining the price of job security. Developing family and leisure interests. Supporting spouse endeavors. Gaining control over your life purpose and work. Recognizing the value and softer aspects of caring for others. Developing a greater ability to reflect, integrate and plan with other members of the family. Experiencing less despair while generating more options for your life. Testing the priorities you hold in life. Establishing yourself in adult groups that provide emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical support to your wellbeing. Identifying with groups in the church and community that serve the needs of others.

60

Seeking travel opportunities that are growth experiences and expose members of the family to different cultures and lifestyles. Keeping the mind active through new discoveries and personal innovation.

Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks You feel you have the resources for: o Maintaining a solid quality of life balance. o Satisfying relationships with family members. o Developing a deeper relationship with your spouse. o Contributing to the needs of young and middle-aged adults. o Acquiring a profound sense of inner depth and peace. o Evolving expressions of yourself through various encounters with the arts. o Dealing with the issues of sickness and death and your own mortality. o Creating a legacy and a trust that can be recognized as a contribution to future generations. Summary Additional Questions

61

7. Middle Adulthood Transition (61 - 65)

Issue Transitioning into retirement or other vocational pursuits

Situational Needs Altering your lifestyle. Adjusting to biological, psychological and social changes. Acquiring a better understanding of mortality. Defining the meaning of old age. Dropping the responsibilities of middle adulthood & changing relationships with society and yourself. Reducing recognition and authority of yourself.

Growth Tasks Releasing the middle-adulthood responsibilities: o Do you anticipate what will have to be addressed during this transition period? Finding a new balance of involvement with society and self: o How do I plan to share my time when I am released from my nine-to-five schedule? Gaining a new sense of the integrity of your life plan. Moving from center stage to the side and letting children and middleaged adults take over: o What will it mean to shift responsibility and accountability to the next generation? Assuming a strong grandparent role and become a source of indulgence and moral support to the grandchildren: o How do I see myself in a grandparent or supportive role?

62

Valuing work from the source of creative energies rather than from external pressures and financial needs: o How are you going to use your internal resources and creativity to satisfy your personal expression and meaning? Assessing the freedom that comes from financial and social security: o What resources do you have to ensure that you have adequate resources (anticipating inflation issues), so that you do not have to work if you do not want to? Begin to deal with the human contradictions, creativity, and destructiveness that surrounds us all: o How do you see yourself involved with social change and peace keeping? The question of what will evolve out of the new retired self with a new life structure: o How would I describe my retirement plan if I could develop it according to my own specifications?

Assessment of Individual Resources Engaging and exploring activities that are supportive of what you want to do in the future. Acquiring new skills that you have not had time to develop such as artistic endeavors, travel interests, counseling others, educational opportunities, and the development of supportive roles that could be used within the family and community. Sharing time and the activities with the grandchildren. Testing areas of human development that improve your relationship with spouse, children and other adult relationships. Discovering where you would like to serve in a voluntary capacity. Centering on yourself with less emphasis on the rewards received from society and more attention on the utilization and satisfaction of your own inner resources.

63

Testing the creative nature that is within you through artistic expressions that are comfortable and filled with meaning.

Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks You feel you have the resources for: o Maintaining a solid quality of life balance. o Satisfying relationships with family members. o Developing a deeper relationship with your spouse. o Being needed by young and middle-aged adults. o Acquiring a profound sense of inner depth and peace. o Evolving expressions of yourself through various encounters with the arts. o Dealing with the issues of sickness and death and your own mortality. o Creating a legacy and a trust that can be recognized as a contribution to future generations. Do you feel as a middle-aged adult in the second phase of middle adulthood that you have satisfactorily completed the above tasks? Were there areas in which you struggled and needed help?

64

8. Older Adulthood (66 - 80)

Issue Managing your time within the dimensions of physical and social change

Situational Needs Choosing the agendas for your lifestyle. Altering the character of your lifestyle to suit your capabilities and energies. Sensitive to the biological, psychological, and social changes that are taking place around you externally and internally. Developing awareness of the meaning of growing older and its subtle implications for my life. Making adjustments to meet altered financial resources. Accepting the reality and experience of bodily and mental decline. Adjusting resources to meet major medical needs. Assessing the value of material possessions and residential requirements. Determining the legacy and values you want to be passed on to future generations.

Growth Tasks Affirming a sense of personal integrity regarding the management of your life. Affirming your essence and intrinsic meaning to life. Learning new ways to increase your intellectual, emotional and spiritual pursuits of life.

65

Accepting new roles regarding parent/child relationships. Accepting the grand-parenting role whereby you become indulgent in giving moral support to your grandchildren. Giving the reins of authority and power to the next generation. Finding mentoring opportunities for those requesting assistance in the young and middle adulthood stages of the life process. Seeking work that is valued because of intrinsic meaning that stems from your own creative energies rather than from external pressure and financial need. Learning to play and enjoy yourself. Finding a balance between yourself and your involvement with society.

Assessment of Individual Resources How are you utilizing your own inner resources to fulfill your needs and remaining life plan goals? What talents and skills can you physically share in day-to-day activities? What legacy and life experiences can be recovered and shared with family and friends? What things do you need to be mindful of on a daily basis to make life satisfying and fulfilled?

Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks Rate o o o o o o o your lifes achievements on a percentage scale (0-100%): Quality of life achieved is satisfactory to personal needs. Deeper relationships with family. Sense of being needed by others. Expression through various forms of communication. Relationships with friends are satisfying and desirable. Sense of inner personal depth and peace. Feeling of peace with the outside world

66

9. Older Adult Transition (81 +)

Issue Giving yourself a quality of life that is both dignified and meaningful

Situational Needs Dealing with the loss of close friends and family through death. Dealing with the inevitability of your own death and demise. Acclimating to increased changes in biological, psychological, and social functions. Isolating your lifestyle from family and friends. Adjusting your lifestyle due to physical demise and limited financial resources. Accepting the reality and experience of further bodily decline. Anticipating major medical needs. Arranging for the disposal of your material possessions. Accepting a life well lived and the peace that comes through faith and the acceptance of death.

Growth Tasks Affirming a sense of your personal integrity through the proper management of your resources and possessions. Affirming of your life goals and objectives. Making peace with yourself and others. Increasing the tasks of the mind to learn new things. Challenging your sensory skills by reading, participating in social events, and establishing relationships with others.

67

Creating objects that express your intrinsic values and meaning. Living in preparation of tomorrow with great fullness and thanks giving.

Assessment of Individual Resources How are you utilizing your own inner resources to fulfill your needs and remaining life goals? What talents and skills can you share with family and friends? What life experiences can be of value to family and friends?

Evaluation of Accomplished Tasks Rate the following for your life as satisfactory or unsatisfactory/needs to be worked on: o Quality of life achieved satisfactory to personal needs. o Relationship with immediate family satisfying and desirable. o Sense of personal inner depth and emotional peace. o Sense of spiritual well-being and expectation. o Applied the educational and/or field experiences.

68

10. Family Tree

Note: You can join Ancestry Jim click on here you earn 60% commissions of membership sign ups http://www.ancestry.com/home/partner/default.aspx There is one last thing that may be of interest to many, and that is the detail of those who preceded us. It is a lot of fun to begin tracing the genealogy of our ancestors. Beginning with your parents, you can discover where they came from and what they did to establish themselves in this country. The following outline should give you an idea of how to develop talking points and questions you share with living relatives. The rest will require the services of local libraries and possibly the professional skills of a genealogist who can search family trees for a nominal fee. Some things you might look for in your search include: Where your relatives came from. Where they settled and moved to in this country. How long they have been here. Who they married. The size and description of the family members and how they are related to you. Any known roles in public service. Their education and vocations. Their philosophies. Their political leanings. Their personal beliefs. Their religious beliefs. The kind of hardships they had to endure. What was going on in the world when they were around. Any mementos that have been handed down from generation to generation. Characteristics that have been passed down from generation to generation.

69

Mother's Family Structure Maternal Grandmother Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Maternal Grandfather Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Paternal Great Grandmother Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Paternal Great Grandfather Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Grandmother Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Burial location: Siblings: Children of siblings: Grandfather Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Burial location: Siblings: Children of siblings: Mother Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Burial location: Siblings: Children of siblings:

70

Father's Family Structure Maternal Grandmother Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Maternal Grandfather Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Paternal Great Grandmother Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Paternal Great Grandfather Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Grandmother Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Burial location: Siblings: Children of siblings: Grandfather Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Burial location: Siblings: Children of siblings: Father Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Burial location: Siblings: Children of siblings:

71

Immediate Family Record Mother and Fathers Children: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Children's Spouses: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death:

72

Mother and Fathers grandchildren: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Name: Date and place of birth: Date and place of death: Carry this on as far as you like. Its a wonderful past-time and very informative. When you finish you have an addendum legacy to pass on to your children and their children

73