Relationship Help: Passive-Aggressive

Behavior is Crazy-Making!

It leaves you with that yucky feeling, the feeling of just

being sucker punched. It leaves you shaking your head in disbelief. It’s like a
nightmare where you try to run away and all you ever find are cul-de-sacs
with no escape. It’s crazy-making. It’s infuriating. It’s passive-aggressive
behavior!And, it requires relationship help.

It’s covert, stealthy even! You’re really not sure when or if you were hit, or when you may be
again. It causes you to question your words, your actions and your motives, as if something were
always your fault. You’re dealing with passive-aggressive behavior!

Trying to actually confront passive-aggressive behavior is also often crazy-making. Passive-

aggressive behavior is based in deep-seated anger and resentment. Unfortunately, the passive-
aggressive person is often unaware of what s/he is doing, and when confronted, refuses to
acknowledge either the behavior or its results. S/he can be quite upset that you would even think
they were the problem, or contributing to it.

And, yes, passive-aggressive people can drive other folks around the bend. They lack the insight
into their own behavior that would allow them to see what they are doing, and therefore they
think others simply don’t understand them, continuously misunderstand them, or want more from
them than is reasonable.

What is Passive-Aggression?

Here’s the actual psychological definition from the DSM-IV, the Diagnostic & Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders:
“A. A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate
performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by
four (or more) of the following:

1. passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks

2. complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
3. is sullen and argumentative
4. unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
5. expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
6. voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
7. alternates between hostile defiance and contrition

B. Does not occur exclusively during major depressive episodes and is not better accounted for
by dysthymic disorder” (a depressive mood disorder.)

It actually is a personality disorder that is documented in psychological research. You might

recognize it when you’re affected by someone’s passive-aggressive behavior by the feeling of
insecurity it creates in you, or by the person’s seemingly intentional inefficiency. They are late,
forgetful, or punishing, all covert ways of trying to assert control over you or the situation.

Passive-aggressive people are fearful of competition, dependency, and, yes, intimacy. You might
recognize that as the “push me, pull me syndrome.” Another way of expressing that is the mixed
message of “Come close but stay away.”

A passive-aggressive person can make chaos out of thin air, and they are secretly delighted in
their ability to do so. It feels like control to them, and that is what they long for. Because they
cannot approach situations, feelings, relationships or communication directly, they do so
indirectly. That causes the chaos.

Oh, yes, at work as well as at home? They make endless–seemingly rational (that’s the crazy-
making part!)–excuses for why they cannot, or did not, do things that were expected of them.
Because they have difficulty playing nicely with others, they tend to drag their feet in any work
team project. From not feeling well to not feeling included, from not having the information
given to them to not knowing what was expected of them, passive-aggressive people have a
reason for everything. They believe these reasons and will actively work to disparage anyone
who will not accept their reasons.

Not only are they obstructive, but they are also experts at procrastination. Of course, they always
have a reason. And, they love to play the victim. Passive-aggressive people will go to great
lengths to avoid recognizing their own weaknesses, but love to blame others for their own
failures. This is a hallmark of the passive-aggressive personality.

Passive-aggressive behavior is crazy-making! But, once you understand it, you

can keep your sanity. Once you learn how to respond to and recover from it, you
will feel more competent and confident when it arises, too.
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor, makes it easier to talk about difficult things.
Founder of Sow Peace® and The Optimize Institute & Center, she works with couples and teams
worldwide to improve conscious communication and collaboration. Trained as a psychologist and
professional mediator, Dr. Shaler offers clients the insights, skills, strategies and solutions to sow
peace. Learn more and follow her blog at http://www.SowPeace.com