Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Reviewed by Vicki Hayman, WELD III Intern, University of WY Cooperative Extension, Weston County CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS: TOOLS FOR TALKING WHEN STAKES ARE HIGH is a book by four cofounders of a corporate consulting firm who present their formula for effective communication. The book is based on the trial and error of years spent as corporate trainers made from observing literally thousands of people from all walks of life, as well as employees across major industries. What the authors found among certain people was a willingness to speak up when they objected, addressing issues head-on rather than giving the silent treatment, and diving into potentially risky discussions without fear. Underneath these topics run the same main point - think twice before speaking. Care and thought are needed to make a crucial conversation work. As a guidebook for compromise, it teaches ways to think about what to say, be aware of context and conditions of a discussion, and maintain respect even if there is a disagreement - skills perfect for individual, team and organizational success. 'Crucial' conversations are interpersonal exchanges at work or at home, that we dread having but know we cannot avoid. How do you say what needs to be said while avoiding an argument? Day-to-day conversations and interactions affect your life. Crucial conversations can have a profound impact on your career, your happiness, and your future. Dialogue is an important component to crucial conversations because it encourages free flow of meaning between people. When stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, you have three choices: Avoid a crucial conversation and suffer the consequences; handle them poorly and suffer the consequences; or handle them well by reading Crucial Conversations and discover how to communicate when it matters the most. This guidebook provides an approach to those conversations in life that are both difficult and necessary. The authors give you the tools you need to step up to life's difficult and important conversations, say what's on your mind, and achieve positive outcomes. By outlining specific strategies that can create mutual respect and understanding, they seek to open channels of communication, which would otherwise remain barred. Crucial Conversations offers readers a seven-step approach to handling difficult conversations with confidence and skill. The arrangement of handling these conversations has different sets of steps and embedded memorization tricks. The book summarizes the key lessons into ACRONYMS like STATE and ABCs. The techniques are geared toward getting people to lower their defenses, creating mutual respect and understanding, increasing emotional safety, and encouraging freedom of expression. Among other things, readers also learn about the factors that characterize crucial conversations, and the technique that prepares them to work through any high impact situation with confidence. This book provides a breakdown of why conversations fail and how to keep them on track. It not only has a outline for how to approach and conduct yourself in these conversations, but has details on how others are likely to react and examples of conversations. Readers will learn principles and skills that will help them master crucial conversations. Lesson Principles: Power of Dialogue Spot the conversations that are keeping you from what you want.

 Avoid moving to silence or violence during crucial conversations. Share facts, ideas, feelings, and opinions candidly and honestly. Discover how better information helps identify problems earlier and keeps them from getting out of hand.

Principle 1: Start with Heart Stay focused on what you really want and maintain dialogue. Learn what dialogue is and how to work on me first. Understand how motives change when conversations turn crucial.

Principle 2: Learn to Look Spot the warning signs that indicate safety is at risk. Notice various forms of silence and violence. Take steps to rebuild safety and return to dialogue. Step out of a conversation and notice how to make it work. Identify your own Style Under Stress and manage it.

Principle 3: Make It Safe Talk about almost anythingwithout silence and violence. Increase candor and decrease defensiveness Use specific skills to keep everyone sharing information. Establish and maintain mutual purpose and mutual respect. Recognize when you are at cross-purposes.

Principle 4: Master My Stories Stay in dialogue and learn how to master emotions that destroy dialogue when you are angry, scared, or hurt"think" your way to the root cause of negative emotions. Discover your storieshow do you justify your behavior? Eliminate victim, villain, and helpless stories, and improve your results.

Principle 5: STATE My Path Speak persuasively, not abrasively. Get your meaning across even with potentially threatening messages. Share strong opinions without shutting down contrary views. State your mind while making it safe for others to do the same.

Principle 6: Explore Others' Paths Use exploring skills to make it safe for others to speak up. Diffuse others' violence and eliminate silence - keep listening when others blow up or clam up. Encourage others to share issues they fear bringing up. Get safely to the meaning behind others' emotions.

Principle 7: Move to Action Put Crucial Conversations principles and skills together. Learn how to make decisions and improve accountability Move from healthy dialogue to taking action and achieving results.

You can save time in reading and understanding the book if you look at figures 10-1 through 10-4 beginning on page 182, as it's a helpful overview of the authors' point of view. If you normally handle tense situations by running the other way, screaming or slamming the door, this book will help you develop constructive habits that will leave you feeling better about yourself. With the skills, you learn in this book, you'll never have to agonize about the outcome of a crucial conversation again. Make Crucial Conversations skills your best practices and conversations get better. The exercises and approaches are useful, and I'd recommend the book.