A Design for Living: the 11 Principles of Enlightened Relationship

1. The practice of 100% acceptance of self and other, exactly as they are, is fundamental. This entails the crucial act of granting to everyone, including yourself, the freedom to say no to anything which means the freedom from coercion or manipulation when they choose to say no. The only "yes" which is meaningful and authentic is a "yes" given when there is an option to say "no". It is in your own best interests to grant others this freedom, for when they freely choose to meet your needs out of the joy of contributing to your well-being, your needs will be met far more fully, effectively, and consistently. 2. At the same time, we offer our loved ones invitationsthat is, share what you are wanting or needing as an opportunity for your loved one to contribute to your well-being, not as an obligation. a) Remember that no-one has an obligation to meet your needs, and viceversa. b) If we find it difficult to meet all our own needs, we request our loved ones to meet some of them, by stating them clearly while being open to hearing a "no". c) Never expect a single person to meet all your needs; diversify. d) When others cannot or will meet all the needs we would like them to, we practice acceptance, and seek to reduce the quantity or severity of our needs through spiritual practice. 3. Engage in relationship with others not to gain advantage, but to learn how to love unconditionally, and to learn how to receive fully whatever is offered freely. If you are not satisfied with how someone is loving you, seek first a deeper fulfillment by loving them more unconditionally. If you remain unsatisfied, communicate clearly how you like to be loved, while simultaneously seeking to learn to receive love the way the other person gives it. 4. Do not do anything for another person with expectation of recompenseunless explicitly saying sobut rather for the joy of contributing to others' well-being. 5. Realize that growing closer to others comes from attuning to and being present with whatever is truly alive in each other, not from conforming to expectations or being validated by the other. What is truly real and asks your engagement is only that which is presenting itself in this moment as "alive" within you and within your loved one. This perspective does not, of course, invalidate present-moment feelings and insights and concerns about the past and future; they may well be worth addressing, if they can be extricated from the opinions, judgments, and stories that often accompany them.

6. Realize that "right" and "wrong" are illusory mental constructs, and debate within that arena is binding oneself to illusion. When someone says something about the "rightness" or "wrongness" of someone else, it is nothing but a disguised and distorted statement about what they themselves are feeling and needing. 7. Promises can short-cut a process and bind our freedom to change. Promises are often an attempt to assuage a present situation by making a prediction about one's behavior in the future. Given the impermanent nature of mind, body, and personality, we are often unable or unwilling to keep promises, especially when they do not accord with our nature. And since we are always changing, we cannot be certain what our nature in the future will be. Promises can create a false sense of security and are often cowardly attempts to secure someone's approval on false pretenses, for we are usually not prescient enough to know our future needs or whether they will be compatible with someone else's. Intentions, however, are not promises; they can be of great benefit, for they orient us and help us set a coursethough they are often best kept to oneself, lest they be mistaken for promises. 8. Discard guilt and self-hatred; attempts to change motivated by these are fruitless, as are guilt-motivated apologies. Like promises, most apologies serve to gloss over and temporarily relieve a painful situation. In reality, they only postpone and magnify the pain, for they create an expectation in the other person that you have "changed" and will now conform to their expectations. 9. See through your stories and digest them. [This point needs extensive commentary.] 10. Abandon should. It is disguised story, or disguised manipulation. 11. Give up on coercing anyone into holding these (or any) views. If you agree with these views, live them. Embody them. That constitutes your best chance of persuading others of their validity and their efficacy.