LEGACY TRAINING & CONSULTANCY

How To Have People Mastery

Understanding and Knowing Yourself Developing Personal Qualities for Greater People Effectiveness

PEOPLE SKILLS AND MASTERY

LEGACY TRAINING & CONSULTANCY

Testimonials |
To God Almighty, who teaches us all things as His Word says, as we remain in Him.

Foreword |

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Preface |
The topic on People skills is a wide subject to write and talk about. The purpose of this book is not meant to cover every aspects of this tough subject, but to focus on the effective interaction with people when engaging in inter-personal communications.

Whether you are a sales person or a homemaker, a CEO, office executive or a clerk, you must be able to engage people well if you are to be effective. It is the people who are on the higher echelon in life and career, people who earn more, and in higher responsibility and authority that is seen to be endowed with such skills. I would like to suggest that the people who managed to climb up this ladder of success are the people who had either been taught since young, with good models in their lives, or people who had taken the trouble to learn and master the qualities mentioned in this book. The more you

internalised these qualities, the more you would be more effective. The masculine word is used entirely here solely for convenience purposes.

Great Quotes in Human Relations:

People dont care how much you know until they know how much

you care.

I will pay more for the ability to deal with people than any other ability under the sun. John D. Rockefeller

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Introduction |
People skills must certainly be one of the most important things to learn and master in life. If we are still alive, we should be with and around people daily, if not almost every moment of your life. Apart from the time spent when sleeping, or engaging in activities like reading, thinking or reflecting, we are most likely with people interacting one-onone.

Personal growth and self-development forms a very important part of life. What we are affects everything we do, from our family life to our personal, social and career life. We can do more when we are more. Our state of being is a very important component in our success and fulfilment in life. None of us are born to be great, though some people would like to disagree. All of us are what we are based on our past conditioning; inputs from our parents, our schools, our friends, our colleagues, our superiors, our environments. We get inputs from the people we meet and the books we read, the tapes we listen to and so on. We can grow to become what our potential is, provided we grow the most important person in our lives, ourselves. It is going to take work. It takes energy. It takes a purpose and a passion. A passion to a cause, at least to be effective in our lives. Only then will we realise that working with and through people is a great and important skill to acquire. We would then be able to practise what the gurus would say; be a human being, not a human doing.

The concepts and qualities shared here are simple, but as in most things worth learning, they are not easy. They deal with the inner aspects of being a human being. We are talking about our values, our principles, or attitudes, our beliefs, our character, our integrity, our congruence. These must certainly be the hardest things to learn and change in our lives. But if we dont embrace the right stuff, we are not really taking care of our lives. What we give comes back to us, so says all good books and teachings. We must give thought to what we give and do to our fellow human beings, and ourselves.

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Learning anything worth learning is never easy. It takes lot of work, especially on yourself. This book focuses on work on ourselves. It talks about embracing the right attitudes, outlook and principles. It is more of the heart than the mind. Thats why its an art. Thats why any jobs or careers involving great people skills are often described as an art. Lets be committed to personal growth so that we may be more tomorrow. So that we may be more effective in dealing with another person who may cross our path. This is a valuable skill to learn and master. For our own good.

It is to be noted that although the qualities listed are separate, the dynamics of people interaction are complex and spontaneous. We display, practise and exhibit these qualities very often some or many at the same time. Sometimes we switch from one to another easily and effortlessly. Sometimes it is a purposeful switch in order to get the desired results we want from the situation, ethically, without abuse of the person we are interacting with. It is a value-based system. It is principle-centered. It is lasting and of great value.

One important quality that must be emphasised here must be awareness, both for self, people and the world. Without the practice of this consciousness, our ability to be effective and willingness to practise these skills might not be enhanced. Only when we can truly see the big picture can we play a responsible and appropriate role, overcoming the expediency of the moment. If not, it might be impossible at all, for the overwhelming pressure of the situation would call for a similar response from us. The greater our selfawareness, the greater would be our consciousness of everything around us. The best way of practising this would be through solitude, reflection and thinking about our lives, and drawing lessons and principles from them. We can only do that for ourselves. Nobody can do it for us.

Another point worth mentioning here is that we are not talking about satisfying everyone we deal with. We are not talking about making people happy, regardless, always

showing a happy face and hoping to elicit a good response from them. In fact, there would be situations which warrant that we walk away from certain people because of

PEOPLE SKILLS AND MASTERY

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their unreasonable behaviours, wrong values and beliefs. These situations lead to winlose relationships. We each have a choice whether to live with such relationships. Im not talking about rejecting these people. Im talking about rejecting such unhealthy behaviours. Im not talking about impatience or even not caring for a person who struggles with himself. Im saying that we can choose whether we are to be abused unnecessarily. We should respect ourselves as much as we want to respect everyone else.

Finally, in all matters of life situations and human interactions, wisdom, knowledge and understanding cannot be missing if we are to be truly effective, to consider all the known facts, as well as the unknown. Only when we attempt to be holistic in this attitude could we then attain the people skills we need to charter through our life course.

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Part I: Attitude Towards Ourselves and Others |

I define integrity as the value we place on ourselves. Stephen Covey

When you are honest, you will surprised some people, and astonished the rest. - Mark Twain

Only when you are open, honest and transparent with others can God use you to change them. John C. Maxwell

To be trusted is a more important compliment than to be loved. George Macdonald

Integrity means being integrated, knowing ourselves and being ourselves, so that our actions are authentic, consistent with our highest intentions. Dan Millman

To thine own self be true. William Shakespeare

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1. Begin with integrity

A persons character must certainly be the first thing everyone is concerned of when dealing with him. Can I trust him? What is he trying to get out of this transaction? Will I be taken advantage of? Will I lose out in this deal? Is he a crook with a nice face? Can I be opened with him? How much should I tell him? Does he care about me or is he more concerned about getting something out of me?

Somebody once said that it is difficult to find people who are truly honest and of high integrity anymore. While it is true that we are living in a world which challenges us in this area all the time, it is only to our benefit in the long run that we exercise our courage to be people of integrity. It is an issue of the heart. Integrity simply means that your thoughts, feelings, words and actions so match that you live with congruence and without duplicity. Thats authenticity without deception, guile and malice.

The greater our integrity, the greater will be our power and authority. Our integrity demonstrates a trustworthiness that stems from our character (what we are) and our competence (what we do).

Be true to yourself and others.

I believe the way to work towards integrity and high purpose is to first examine our purpose in our lives and then work to be consistent each and every day in our dealings with ourselves and other people. We are to be consistent in matters of the heart. What we say, feel and act must be congruent. People would sense our sincerity and openness and would respond in kind. It is through such interaction that we position ourselves to be able to make a difference in this world. We would then be able to influence other people in areas which matters to them and ourselves, thus creating a win-win situation. We would not be powerless when

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we ask others for help, even to buy something from us. We had already dealt with the issue of to whose advantage it would be if I were to approach them for my products or services. We would have power in our interpersonal communication and relationship. Wouldnt that be wonderful! To take away any unnecessary stress and tension so prevalent especially in a sales career, or in any situations where we need to seek help from other people. Most of our jobs entail such a requirement, isnt it?

Be transparent.

If we are able to be so secured and strong to the extent that we share our vulnerability (of course when the situation calls for it), we would be able to bond deeply with people, especially with people we are trying to influence. They would see that you have nothing to hide and very often they themselves would open up and share things they would normally not talk and share with others. You would have earned the right to their private information. They would have found a friend in you. They trust you to tell you deeper things of their lives. Of course, our motive must be pure in that we dont get people to open up and then take advantage of their situation or abuse them in any way through our special knowledge. It is a great honour to be a special friend to people. We should be wise enough to preserve such honour, or the consequences would have been totally opposite and you would lose your trustworthiness.

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Pride goes before a fall. Proverbs

Be humble for you are made of earth. Serbian Proverb

Pride makes a man self-sufficient and unteachable. It blinds him to his own needs. It causes him to ignore the good advice and counsel of others. Leroy Eims

Wise people admit when they are wrong. Matthew Kelly

People with humility dont think less of themselves, they just think of themselves less. Ken Blanchard

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2. Be humble but not humiliated

Being humble means to place others above you. You give them the opportunity to feel important. All people has ego. Some have big ego. When you are able to display humility sincerely, people will see your pleasantness in your personality and character.

Put others in their right place.

When we do that, people normally react favourably to us. Most people are nice. They just dont have the knowledge and courage to display humility. When they meet someone who does, they will spontaneously respond well to them. Do not worry about those who do not respond well to you when you display humility. If they have a problem, they have to take responsibility for it. You might be tempted to feel rejected, as we are humans. But bear in mind that his bad behaviour has nothing to do with you, but only with himself. We dont have to be humiliated in the attempt to live with humility. It is different. But it would be healthy to learn to laugh at ourselves. Dont take yourself too seriously. Learning to deny yourself your rights makes things very much simpler too.

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You must feel worthy of the best, but not more worthy than the rest. Denis Waitley

Have more than thou showest; speak less than thou knowest. William Shakespeare

Reprove thy friend privately, commend him publicly. Solon

Recipe for having friends: Be one. Elbert Hubbard

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3. Be respectful
This is straight forward. When we respect others, we also put them in their right place. And this would elicit the right response from them. We would have favour. But this must be balance with a healthy self-respect or it would back fire!

See the beauty and dignity of another human being.

Why should we respect others? Only when we feel that they are a valuable human being, just like you. To begin with, you must feel you are a valuable human being as well. When you meet, it is two mature high-value people Of course, you

communicating, enjoying the interaction for mutual benefit.

should seek to be the influencer if you want to make a difference, or sell your products or services. We still show respect even if we do not get exactly the kind of respect we hope to receive.

Do not violate the rights of others, no matter who they are.

We might be tempted to respect only people who are of higher status and authority than us. Those who are lower in stature, income, position and authority we sometimes become careless. We should take care to be consistent with all people, treating all people with dignity. Then our personal power would then be displayed in our lives as we would have become a person of character and courage. We have a value system to guide us, unlike the rest of the world who are likely to fall into this trap of treating people inconsistently. We would have displayed personal power in dealing with all people.

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We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. Norman MacEwan

Acting unethically means taking advantage of the kindness, weakness, or ignorance of others for your own personal gain. Sam Deep & Lyle Sussman

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4. Have a crystal clear value system

A clear value system is a guide to light the path we should take in life. When you have clear values, you know what you need to do, what you want to do, what you should do, and so you become consistent. You are not subject to the different standards and values of the different people, cultures, systems, politics, etc.

Know what you stand for.

When you have that clear value system, you know what you stand for. You become a powerful beacon in your workplace, community and everywhere you go. You would become an influencer. You would speak up when you need to, for the benefit of the people and situations you are in. Of course, it is important that you know when to speak, what to speak and how to speak. That would be exercising wisdom and knowledge in the situation. discernment for the situation as well to be effective. You should practise

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Self-esteem is the single most important quality of a total winner. Denis Waitley

It takes a lot of self-esteem to be boss without being bossy. Ken Blanchard & Sheldon Bowles

No one can make you feel small without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

You cant lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. John Peers

Self-esteem is the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. Nathaniel Branden

The second disease caused by pride is insecurity. The leader with his eyes on himself has excessive concern about how he appears in the eyes of others. Leroy Eims

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5. Be secured
This is a critical element in the lives of all of us. When we are not secured, many things will happen in our lives not to our favour. Out of the many qualities

mentioned here, self-esteem must certainly be the first quality to talk about. You see, when you dont place value on yourself, it is very difficult for you to place value on other people. If you dont love yourself, it is difficult to love other people. How can you give away something you dont have? You simply cannot give away something you dont possess within!

It is said that we see things as we are, not as they are. We each have an individual filter place before our eyes. What we perceive to be is regulated by the personal filter. If you have a negative filter, you cant possibly see positive things. Similarly, if your filter is positive, everything you see in life have a positive slant! When our self-esteem is not good, this poor perception gets to our filter and affects everything we see. When people give us feedbacks or opinions, we get personal, feel threatened and so get defensive. The fears we have within does not allow us to listen

objectively. We would not be able to be objective in assessing our situation or the feedback as the hurts accumulated within does not allow us to do that. This would greatly affect our interpersonal relationship with everyone around us, including our loved ones. We would also not experience life to the fullest as there would be forces stopping us in our steps whenever we want to pursue success or happiness. We lack confidence and fulfilment in meeting the challenges of life. We also affect our loved ones in negative ways simply through living and interacting with them consistently. It is an unhealthy way to live, but many people are living this way.

We should learn to see our value within with the fact that we are created highest of all the creatures in the world. Someone once said that we were once a sperm. And out of the hundreds of millions of sperms swimming towards the one egg, only one will win! And you know what? You are the winner! Thats why youre here, if not it

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would be someone else! When we can appropriate our uniqueness and acknowledge the fact that we are created special, then we can then search for our unique talents we have and the contribution we can make to our world. We can then seek our purpose of living; finding our calling, our unique contribution to the world.

Have a good self-image.

To be able to do this, we must first settle the self-esteem issue. Then we would be able to work on having a good self-image; an image of unshakable belief in ourselves and what we can achieve. This would lead to us having confidence in ourselves. It will certainly help in the process of interaction with other people.

Put yourself in your right place.

This means that while you respect others and value them, you also do the same for yourself. It would be a natural outcome if the self-esteem and self-image is worked on faithfully.

Being cheerful keeps you healthy. King Solomon

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humour. Jennifer James

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6. Have a great sense of humour

In interpersonal communication, if you can bring humour into the dynamics, it would definitely release an air of fun and joy into the atmosphere. When you can be relaxed with people, they would feel the same with you. On the other hand, if you are tense and stressful, you bring the tenseness and stress into the atmosphere. Everyone in the communication would sense and feel this straight away, and the quality of communication would be impaired greatly. You would have lost your effectiveness, especially if you are supposed to be the influencer in the situation.

By being sharp-witted and seeing the good in others, with a sense of great purpose in life, it would allow us to not take ourselves too seriously, but to look for any situation and opportunities to make the people around us glad that we are with them, lifting them up and diffusing tension in their lives by focusing on the positive things in them, pulling their leg sometimes just to inject some humour and fun, knowing exactly how they would response to it and at times putting yourself on the spot, just for laughs! Leadership qualities are needed here to be effective.

People need to feel comfortable with you.

The purpose of doing all the things mentioned is to be a comfortable person to be with. When everyone is comfortable, then we can set out to do and talk about the important issues that need to be discussed or done.

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Faith, hope and love, and the most important is love

Ive been very fortunate to have great parents who love me to death. Tiger Woods

Love is being able to say youre sorry. Ken Blanchard

Moment to moment, you make the choice whether to give love and be loved. Jennifer James

God is love.

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7. Be loving
The great commandment in life is to love our neighbours as we love ourselves. First we love ourselves. Then we love our neighbours. Who are our neighbours? It would be anyone around us in our life, work, family, business, etc. To love is to reach out to another person. To see the value in them and the importance of their uniqueness, as an individual person.

When people sense and see we reached out to them through love, they will know and feel it instinctively. This great act should elicit like response from them. If we do the act sincerely, from the heart, we would be seen to be special, unlike any others. They would be more apt to listen to us and our advices, answer our questions sincerely, and share deeper issues which they might not share with anyone else. When this happens to our interpersonal communications, we would have advance a great step in making the communication fruitful and meaningful. Its the most important quality you can have.

Certainly it is! And maybe because it is not easy to achieve it. Who are the people who will do this? It is normally people who either know the importance of it or more likely people who places spiritual meaning high in their personal lives. If we can do this, we would have covered much ground. Most positive attributes arises from love. It would cancel any negative character trait in us when we truly practise loving from the heart.

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Listening is one of the most important and least refined communication skills. It is the first step to understanding another persons wisdom, perspective and feelings. Terry Orlick Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when youd have prepared to talk. Doug Larson You aint learnin nothin when youre doin all the talkin. Lyndon B. Johnson

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