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Contents

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS/xiINTRODUCTION/xiii

1BEINGFOOLISH
C H A P T E R O N E

WAITINGFORTHEPRINCE/3

SearchingforthePerfectManWomenandRomanticFantasiesHistoricalForcesAffectingWomen
C H A P T E R T W O

DADDY'SLITTLEGIRL/19

I e arning to Be Cute Learning to Be Indirect The Powerful Father The Missing Father The UnresponsiveFatherTheSecretNeedtoBeRescued
C H A P T E R T H R E E

HowMENRESPONDTODADDYSLITTLEGIRL/40 HelplessnessGamePlayingHiddenDependencyNeedsTheHungerforLove
SMARTWOMEN/FOOLISHCHOICESC H A P T E R F O U R

HowMENRESPONDTOPOWERINWOMEN/63

TheAllPowerfulMotherTheNewImpotencyThePassiveAggressiveResponseTheFearofAngry Women
C H A P T E R F I V E

HOWEXCITINGMENCANMAKEWOMENMISERABLE/88

Who Is the Nice Guy? Sometimes Nice Is Weak When Nice Looks Weak but Isn't Nice Is Not RomanticLoveandLongingWhySomeMenSeemExcitingBadBoysCanBeFun...atLeastfora WhileWhoIstheRat?TheMagnetismoftheRatThePursuitoftheRat
C H A P T E R S I X

MENWHOMAKEWOMENWANTTOSCREAM/124

TheClamThePseudoLiberatedMaleThePerpetualAdolescentTheWalkingWounded

2GETTINGSMART
C H A P T E R S E V E N

MANYSPECIALWOMEN,FEWGOODMEN?/145

MarryingUpandMarryingDownWhyMarriedMenlookBetterSelfFulfillingProphecies
C H A P T E R E I G H T

RELEASEFROMENDLESSMOURNING/155

BelievinginMagicWoundedSelfEsteemReleasetoLoveAgain
C H A P T E R N I N E

FREEDOMFROMLOVEOBSESSIONS/168

FourTypesofLoveAddictsWhenLoveBecomesObsession TimeIsRunningOutGettingExcitementElsewhereBreakingOldPatternsCanBeExciting
C H A P T E R T E N

LETTINGGOOFEXPECTATIONS/191

HiddenAgendasExpectationsVersusIntimacyCJettinginTouchwithHiddenIllusionsExpectations ThatWorkc h a p t e r e l e v e n
FINDINGDIAMONDSINTHEROUGH/207

TheMaskofShynessReinvestinginLongTermRelationships
C H A P T E R T W E L V E

AFRESHLOOKAT"FEMININITY"/225

TheMagicofStrengthandTendernessTheCouragetoExpressYourself
C H A P T E R T H I R T E E N

WHATSMARTWOMENKNOW/239

TheAdventureofCourtship"Finding"TakesInitiativeMenLikeWomenWhoLikeMen MenRespondtoSensitivityVitalRelationships:TheParadoxofRomanticTensionandLoveMen DoCommitTheSmartWomanIsResponsibleforHerOwnExperience


C H A P T E R F O U R T E E N A P P E N D I X

RULESFORFINDINGTHERIGHTMAN/262

QUIZZESANDTESTS/267

PatternsofRelationshipQuizLoveAddictionTestSatisfactionofNeedsTest

Acknowledgments

We would like to express heartfelt thanks to our literary agent, Joan Stewart, for her abundant encouragement, energy, and infectious enthusiasm for our book. Thanks also to Carol Lacy and Laura Daltry for their sage comments and editorial assistance. And, finally, our gratitude to our editor, Carolyn Hart Gavin, for involving us in spirited and toughminded dialogues, which ultimatelyservedtomakethisbookasresponsiveaspossibletotheneedsofourreaders. DR. KINDER: I want to thank my children, Eric and Alexandra, for their curiosity, youthful enthusiasm,andpatiencewhiletheirfatherworkedsomanylonghours.AndtoSara,mywifeand best friend, I wish to express my love and gratitude for always being there for me, whether as toughandcaringcriticormoreoftenaswondroussourceofpowerfulandintuitiveglimpsesinto themysteriesofmenandwomen. DR. COWAN: To Caseyfrom whom I learned so much about women, and without whose borderingondisgusted,raisedeyebrowed,"youreallydon'tgetit"looksasaconstantbarome terIwouldhavewanderedmorefrequentlyintomymaleblindspotmythanksforhersupport, heroutspokensensitivitytotheseissues,andherwisdominleavingmealonetostrugglethrough thewriting.

Introduction

erhapsyouarewonderingwhoweare,andwhywethinkwehavesomethingtosaytosmart womenabouttheirrelationshipswithmen. Weareclinicalpsychologistswhomaintainindividualpracticesofpsychotherapyinadditionto our collaborative work, which began sixteen years ago while we were both completing postdoctoraltrainingatCedarsSinaiMedicalCenterinLosAngeles.Thoughtrainedintraditional psychoanalytic methods and theories, we have also felt a need to develop new ways to both understandandmediateoldhumandilemmasand"problemsinliving."Itwastorealizethisgoal thatweformedaclinictogetherinBeverByHills,California,wherewedealtwiththeproblemsof familiesindivorce,humansexuality,andmale/femalerelationships. While this is a first book for us, we have long been interested in the dissemination of psychological information. One of the wonderful, intrinsic rewards of working with someone in individual psychotherapy is the rich and intense relationship that is established, but one of the frustrationsofindividualworkisthatinawholelifetimeitisimpossibletotouchmorethanafew people.Thisbookallowsustosharewithmanymorepeoplethestrugglesandvictoriesofwomen whohavedealtwithdifficultrelationshipissues. In our individual practices, we have, through the years, worked with many men and women who, especially during the 1970s, found their attitudes and expectations about relationships dramaticallychanging,ofteninambivalentandconfuseddirections.Wefoundsimilarconfusions broughttolightinourlecturesandworkshopswithmenandwomen.Eventhoughsomuchwas being written about relationships and personal development, especially for women, we kept hearingthesamequestionscroppinguptimeandagainquestionsconcerning"loveaddictions," the"wrong''men,andthelackofinterestinsocalled"niceguys." Inthepasttenyearsmostbooksforwomenhavebeenwrittenbywomen.Yetinourindividual workwithfemalepatientswediscoveredthatwomenwantedtohearournotionsandpointsof viewnotjustbecausewewerepsychologists,butbecauseweweremen.Thesewomenwantedto exploretheirattitudesaboutrelationshipswithamanandgetfeedbackfromamaleperspective. Wewritethisbooknotonlyaspsychologistsbutalsoasmen:sons,husbands,andfathers.This book is written from our point of view: a male point of view. We've tried to be as helpful as possiblebymakingourmaterialashonestaspossible.Thisbookdealswithissuesbetweenmen andwomennotastheyshouldbe,butastheyare. Our book is really all about making relationships between men and women clearer, more realistic,andultimatelyhappier.Wearepainfullyawareofthetensionsbetweenthesexesthat have affected us all in recent years, tensions that stem from serious issues and have generated newquestions,feelings,andlevelsofawarenesses.Inthistransitionalera,weallarestrugglingto discoverwaystocreateandsustainmutuallyfulfillingloverelationships.Itisinthespiritofthis struggleformutualityinitsmostpositiveformthatwewritethisbook. Who is the "smart woman" to whom we address this book? She is careeroriented and actively involved in her personal development. She strives for a strong identity as a woman and as a person.Shehasassumedresponsibilityforthedirectionofherlife.Sheisconfidentandvaluesher selfesteem. She is curious about and involved in the changing nature of male/female relationships. Yet she is likely to feel that her love relationships with men are disappointing, frustrating,andveryconfusing.Shesensesherchoicesmaybefoolish.

We're optimistic, however. We believe there are a lot of good men out theregiving, caring menwhodeeplywantalastingrelationship.Asmen,webelieveweunderstandhowothermen think, feel, and react. We're going to tell you about strategies that work with men. We believe thatif wecancommunicatethese"insiders'tips"toyou,theycanhelpmake yourrelationships lessbafflingandfrustrating,morefulfilling. Though we initially were cautious about using the term "foolish" in the title of this book, for fearthatitmightputpeopleoff,weknewitfitwhatourfemalepatieritsfeltandexpressedtous with chagrin as well as puzzlement. We believe there is a paradoxical tendency on the part of women today, especially smart ones, to make even greater "errors" with the opposite sex than theymighthavedoneinpreviousyears,andthereisaveryrealreasonforthis.Today,formost womenthereisagreatergapbetweenunconsciousmotivationsthatistosay,oldprogramming andconditioningandnewconsciousaspirations,beliefs,expectations. Thereis,ineffect,oftenaclashbetweentheconscious,whichhasbeendramaticallyinfluencedby recent social change, and the unconscious, which still may be fueled by those early childhood learnings. It is because of this discrepancy that it is possible for "smart" women to occasionally behavein"foolish"ways. Wefurtherbelievethatforthemothersofourreaders,thecentraldevelopmentalissueswere relationship, intimacy, and nurturance. But for those women who matured during the feministinfluencedera,thecentralissueswerepersonalidentity,autonomy,andassertion.Now theissue formost women isthechallengingtask of reintegrating relationshipandintimacyinto oftenveryautonomousandcareerorientedlifestyles. As psychologists, we believe we can help you to clarify the underlying forces that may be compellingyoutomakefoolishchoices.Wewilltrytoprovideyouwithaclearerunderstandingof thewaysinwhichyounavigateinandoutofrelationships. We'reconfidentthatafteryoureadthisbook,moremen,moremenwhoare"right"foryou, will look attractive to you. And you'll have new strategies that will work to transform love defeatingpatternsintolovesustainingones. Weaskyouinreadingthisbooktobeopentothepossibilitythattherearenewwaysof lookingatrelationships,andnewwaystocreateandsustainthem.Thereareapproachesyoucan take to create excitement where none seemed possible, and strategies to look beyond male disguisesinordertodiscovertherightmanforyou. In Part One, "Being Foolish," we will discuss the causes and forces that lead to frustration in romance. In Part Two, "Getting Smart," we will reveal insights and strategies that we hope will convinceyouthatwhatnowmayappeartobeastandoffbetweenthesexescaninsteadbeyour opportunitytoclaimdelightful,fulfillingexperienceswithmen.

CHAPTERONE

WaitingforthePrince

ianeis28,single,anambitiousandsuccessfulfreelancewriter.Mostmenfindherattractive, and she is never without a relationship. Yet she always seems to attract men who are independent, selfcentered, emotionally closed, and unwilling to make a lasting commitment to her. Dianedecidedshewouldliketofindamoreopen,sensitive,andvulnerableman.Shethought shehadfoundwhatshewaslongingforinNeil.A30yearoldarchitect,hewasasopenandgiving asherpreviouslovershadbeenaloofanduncommitted.Astheygrewcloser,Neilconfidedinher about certain career insecurities. He frequently told Diane he cared for her and needed to feel closetoher. Rather than enjoying his openness, Diane found herself pulling away. Justifying her decision, sheexclaimed,"IguessIjustgotbored."DianeisnolongerseeingNeil.Sadly,sheisonceagainin anewrelationshipthistimewithaworkaholicattorneythatwillleaveherunfulfilled. Carla,42,isarealestatebrokerwhofoundedacompanythatnowemploysthirtypeople.From the day at age 23 whensheexperiencedtheexhilaration ofclosing her first million dollar sale, Carlaconsciouslyandenthusiasticallychosetoputhercareerbeforeamarriageandfamily.She hadbeeninvolvedwithanumberofmenovertheyears,butnothinglastingeverdeveloped.Now she finds herself feeling oddly melancholy in her private moments. When she thinks about her past love affairs, she remembers very few joyful moments. She is currently involved with a Europeanfilmdirectorwhosheknowsissecretlylivingwithanotherwoman. Samantha, 27, is a junior associate at a law firm. Eric, one of the partners in the firm, was immediately drawn to her intelligence, ambition, and independence. As they dated, however, SamanthawentthroughametamorphosisEricfoundprofoundlypuzzling:Shebecame increasingly dependent, possessive, and in need of constant reassurance of his love and com mitment. Although Samantha's behavior concerned Eric, they continued to see each other regularly,andtheirrelationshipgrew. Oneeveningacoupleofmonthslater,astheyfinishedaromanticdinneratherapartmentfor whichshehadspenthourscookinghisveryfavoritedishes,SamanthatoldEricthatshewantedto getmarried,stopworking,andhavehisbaby.Shockedbythesuddennessofherannouncement, Eric began to gradually withdraw from the relationship, leaving Samantha feeling confused and emotionallydevastated. These women are very different from one another. But they share at least one thing in commonthey haveallmadefoolishchoicesintheir romanticlives. Bychoices,we don'tmean simplytheirselectionofromanticpartners;wealsomeanhowtheychoosetoactwiththesemen. Howmanytimeshaveyouheardthesestatements,orperhapsevensaidthemyourselfatone timeoranother? "Ialwaysseemtoendupwiththewrongmen." "Ifthere'sone'rat'inaroomfullofnicemen,I'llfindhim." "AllthemenImeetareeitherboringorgay.IfI'mluckyenoughtomeetamanwho'sinter esting,warm,andattentive,sureenough,soonerorlater,Ifindouthe'smarried."

"Iknowit'snevergoingtogoanywhereandIknowhe'snevergoingtoleavehiswife,buthe hasthiskindofpoweroverme.Hewalksalloverme,andIjustlethim." "Myrelationshipsalwaysstartoutgreat,butsomethingseemstohappenthatcausestheman todriftaway." Aspsychologists,weheartheseremarkseveryday.Infact,latelyitseemsthereisarisingtide ofutterfrustrationamongwomenconcerningmen.Webecameintriguedbecauseweknewthese feelings and dilemmas reflect an almost epidemic attitude of disheartening resignation and pessimism. Butwomendon'tsimply"endup"withmenwhoarewrongforthem.Relationshipsthathave stronginitialpromisedon'tsourasaresultofinexplicableforcesbeyondhumancomprehension orcontrol.Rather,thewomenwhomakethesecomplaintshavemadefoolishchoices. We find, so often, that the more intelligent and sophisticated the woman, the more self defeatingandfoolishherchoicesandherpatternsofbehaviorwithromanticpartners.Webelieve thesefoolishchoicesaretriggeredandperpetuated,inpart,bymodern,destructivelyinaccurate mythswomenbelieveaboutmentoday. Moreover, women's expectations regarding relationships have been exaggerated by the belief theycan"haveitall."Itisourobservationthatsmartwomenstilllookforandhopetofindthe perfectmanthePrince.

SearchingforthePerfectMan
he man I'm looking for? Well, he's got Richard Gere's body, Dustin Hoffman's grin, Lee Iacocca's business savvy, Robert Red ford's charm, and Pat Boone's commitment to family. Oh,yesmostimportant of all,he'lltellmewithinthefirsthourthatI'mthewomanhe'sbeen lookingforallhislife." Soundextreme?Nottous!Wefindsomanysmartwomentodaysearchingfortheperfectman, a sort of Superprince. Of course they know, rationally, that he doesn't exist. Yet often lurking beneath this intellectual understanding is the unspoken but persistent belief that somewhere, somehow,theywillfindhim. Somewomeninsistthattheywon'tendtheirquestuntiltheyfindandcapturetheheartofthis perfect man. But more often, this wish for perfection is hidden behind any one of a number of masks. Andrea,forexample,wearsamaskofpassivity.At36,sheisstillwaitingforthe"right" mantocomealong.Shecandescribehiminexquisitedetailhisvalues,hisstrengths,hisgentle, undemandingpersonality.WhileAndreawaits,sheis"semiinvolved"withamarriedman,oneof alongseries.Sheisnotinlovewithhim,buttherelationshipis"convenient."Inreality,itkeeps her from facing the truth. What she refuses to admit to herself is that even if she actively put herself into situations in which she might meet single, available men, she would be disappointedherPrinceisnotmadeoffleshandblood. Anotherwaywomenmasktheirneedforperfectioninmenisbybeingoverlycritical.Elizabeth, whoat28runsherowngraphicdesigncompany,considersherselfemotionallystrongerthanand intellectuallysuperiortomostmenshemeets.Shealwaysseemstobejustendingarelationship, and always for a perfectly logical reason. Each man, no matter how interesting, intelligent, or considerate, is ultimately rejected.. Each sooner orlaterrevealsa flaw she seizes upon.Ted, an attorney, was too driven and rigid, consumed by his work. Paul, a newspaper reporter and amateurpoet,was"tooemotional."Atfirst,Elizabethwasattractedtohimforhissensitivityand vulnerabilitybutsoonsawhimasinsecureandweak.EveryonethoughtWill,ahousingdeveloper, wouldbetheonetowinherlove.Shere spectedhimdeeplyandwasstronglyattractedtohim,andshetoldherfriends,"Willmakesme laughmorethananyothermanIcanremember."Yetafterafewshortmonths,Elizabethslowly withdrewfromhim,complaininghewas"notimaginative"inbed.

Although she would never admit it to herself, Elizabeth wants perfectionthe flawless man. Elizabethdoesn'tperceiveherselfasoverlycritical,butsimplyasawomanwhoknowswhatshe wants. Whilethehypercriticalwomanisoftenunawareofhowshesabotagespromisingrelationships, the most cleverly disguised searcher for the perfect man is the woman who wears the mask of cynicism.Thecynicwouldobjectstrenuouslytobeingdescribedassomeonewho'savoidingtrue commitmentuntilshefindstheperfectman."Men,"saysthecynic,recitingthestoryofherlatest unhappyaffair."Whatcanyouexpect?" Joyce,a32yearoldnurse,isdivorcedandhasa5yearolddaughter.Duringhertwenties,she wasinvolvedinamarriagethatendedinapainfulandhumiliatingway.Herhusbandhadrepeated affairs until Joyce's spirit was finally broken and he left her for another woman. As if to try to protect herself now, Joyce looks for the worst in men and unfailingly finds it. Consciously, of course,shevehe mentlydeniesthatsheislookingforanythingatallinaman.Butbehindthatdenialliesahistory ofmenwhoneverquitemeasuredup.Joyce'ssearchforperfectionissostrong,herfearofbeing disappointedsodeep,thatshehidesherwishfortheperfectmaninsideashellofcynicismthatis allbutimpenetrable.

WomenAndRomanticFantasies
omentendtoromanticizemen.FromClarkGabletoJamesDean,fromFrankSinatratoElvis Presley,fromTomSelleck toBurt Reynolds,malecelebritieshavelongbeenthe objectof female fantasies. Certainly men also fantasize about beautiful or sexy women, but there's a difference. Most men's fantasies are sexual fantasies, and most women's are "relationship" fantasies.Why? Most adult men today were trained from earliest childhood for a life of action, mastery, and autonomy,whereaswomenweretaughttheimportanceofnurturanceandromance.Mentend, as a result, to rehearse and fantasize about what they will make happeny while women tend to rehearse and fantasize about things that will happen to them. And, most often, these fantasies aboutthefutureinvolveaman,romance,andlove. [to] Inworkshopswithwomen,weoccasionallyaskparticipantstowritedowntheirfantasiesabout men. Invariably, the stories they create include all the standard enticements, situations, and characters familiar to viewers of television dramas or readers of romance novels. There are wonderfulchanceencountersinforeignsettings,elegantrestaurants,sundrenchedbeaches,and misty morning walks. Then the mysterious stranger is encountered. He is usually unknown, fascinating,magnetic.Thewomanissweptupinthemoment,andtheconversationwithhimis witty, teasing, and seductive. Their eyes lock in visual embraces. Sometimes the woman is the seductress, but usually the man is in masterful control and leads her surely yet gently to the momentoflovemaking.Whetherinscentedbathsorinfrontofafirewithflamesmountingalong withtheirpassion,theactoflovebeginswithgentlecaressesandascendstolevelsofdesireand consummationneverbeforeexperienced. Thesefantasiescanemergefromtheheartsiindmindsofeventhebrightest,mostsophisticated women. But our point is not that smart women spend their time daydreaming of being swept away by dark and mysterious strangers, or that they have been permanently brainwashed by perfumecommercials.Rather,itisthatunconsciousdesiresdonotnecessarilychangealongwith conscious insights and attitudes. And it is the gap between the two that may lead to "foolish" choices. Inmanyways,womenhavebeenthevictimsofconcertedeffortstoshapetheirbeliefsabout, and behavior toward, men. Whether the message comes from parents, literature, television, movies,oradvertising,theinfluencesareomnipresent.Womenhavebeenencouragedtobelieve thattherereallyisaPrinceCharmingouttheresomewhere.

InherlandmarkbookInaDifferentVoice,psychologistCarolGilliganpointsoutthatawoman develops an identity that is a definition of herself, both as a person and more specifically as a woman,whileremainingclosetohermother.Thedevelopmentofpersonalidentityforamanis quiteadifferentstory.Amanmustseparatehimselffromthemotherwithwhomhehasfeltso close in order to begin the process of identification with his father. It is for that reason that closenessandrelationshipareaprimaryfocusforgirlsduringearlychildhood,whileseparateness andapushtowardautonomyarethenormalfocusofdevelopmentforboys. Thus, Gilligan notes, "Women portray au tonomy rather than attachment as the illusory and dangerousquest."Inessence,whatGilligansuggestsisthatmostwomen,despitedramatic contemporary changes in conscious attitudes and behaviors, continue to view independence as uncomfortable and anxietyproducing. It is our belief that the healthy path for women is not to deny this need for attachment but to understand it, put it in its proper perspective, and in so doing,makesmartchoicesintheirsearchforrelationships. Differences in early sexrole conditioning result later on in strikingly different expectations concerningrelationships.Weall,maleandfemalealike,haveaneedfornoveltyandrisktaking. However, while men seem to satisfy this need on the athletic field (or vicariously, watching TV sports)orintheworkarena,manywomentendtolooktorelationshipsforexcitementandthrills. Thisexplains,atleastinpart,whysomanywomenfindthemselvesirresistiblydrawntomenwho promiseachallengeandasenseofintrigue.Aspsychologistswhoworkwithmanymaleclients, we don't (ind as many men looking for mystery and intrigue in a relationship. And we certainly don'tfindthemlookingfordangerthere;infact,mostmenarefundamentallyafraidtolakerisks in the context of a relationship. If anything, men are drawn to women who are nurturing, predictablyaffectionate,andloyaltothem.

HistoricalForcesAffectingWomen
Inordertounderstandsomeoftheforcesoperatingonwomentoday,it'simportanttoreviewthe tremendouschangesthathaveoccurredbetweenthesexesinrecentyears. Thebeginningofthe1980ssignaledthethawofthecoldwarbetweenthesexes,arevivalinthe perceived value of the importance to the human experience of intimate, committed love. This latestswingofthesocialpendulumhasbreathednewlifeintotheimportanceofrelationshipsand family.Menandwomenarereconnectingwithtraditionalvaluesandintegratingnewones.Here areafewofthecommentswehavebeenhearinglatelyfromourwomenclientsandfriends. "I'dliketofallinlove,getmarried,andhavebabies...allthosethingsthatsoundedsocowardly andprovincialacoupleofyearsago." "I'm confused. I spent five years getting my master's and I'd like to continue to pursue my career.ButI'm34nowandIrealizeIhaven'thadadecent relationshipwithamaninsixyears. Duringthattime,mycompanyhasmovedmetofourdifferentcities.It'snotthatIdon'tlikemy workbuttherehasgottobesomethingmore." "IfeelasifI'mbeingtornindifferentdirections.Marriageisveryappealingtome,butI'malso awarethattherearealotofobligationsthatgoalongwithit.Thereisnoquestioninmymindthat Iwantababy.Icouldn'ttellyouexactlywhy;it'sjustthisstrongemotionalthingthatgrabsme whenIseeamotherandachild.IfeelIhavetohaveoneofmyown,butIdon'twanttobecome one of those women whose kids are the only highlight of her life. I'm also torn about my job. I enjoybeinganattorney,butIknowthattodoitrighttakesahugechunkoftime.Therejustisno wayIcandoallthethingsIwanttodo.Oh,andonemorething.I'mfeelingangrythatmenseem to get to do it allmarriage, family, and career. And the way they do it is by having a wife at home.Maybethat'stheanswer!DoyouknowwhereIcanfindmyselfanaffectionate,efficient, devotedwife?" Theseconfusionsandstrongbutdivergentforcesinwomenarenew.Smartwomentodaywant to reembrace many of thetruly substantive traditional values without relinquishing the gains of recent years. They are addressing complex questions both within themselves and in their

relationships with men. Today they want men in their lives and want to value and feel comfortablewiththeirfemininitywithoutcompromisingequality. TwodecadeshavepassedsincethepublicationofBettyFriedan'sTheFeminineMystique,which reactivatedthelongdormantwomen'smovementinthiscountry.Thecentralthrustoffeminism was to free women from the tyranny of sexist education, attitude, and practices. It sought to createmeaningfulreformnotonlyinthemarketplacebutalsowithinthecontextofmarriageand familyand,perhapsmostimportant,withinwomenthemselves. But,asthemovementhascontinuedtoevolve,importantchangeshaveoccurred,mostofthem involving a reevaluation of the traditional institutions of marriage and family. An unfortunate consequenceoffeminismwas,inouropinion,thatitcreatedamythamongwomenthattheapex ofselfrealizationcouldbeachievedonlythroughautonomy,independence,andcareer.Findinga mate and having a family were secondary goals. In recent years, many women have discovered that,withfewexceptions,workishard,stressful,andnottotallyfulfillingoverthelonghaul. Evenaswewritethisbook,thewarinesswomenhavefelttowardmenduringthelastdecade continuestodiminish.Yetwomenarestillconcernedaboutbecomingoverlydependentonmen orobsessedwiththem.And,wemightadd,thesearelegitimateconcerns. Anna,a33yearoldpublicdefenderwhohasnevermarriedandwhoseonlyliveinrelationship, twoyearslong,endedthreeyearsago,says,"Ihavedoneallthe'dating'Iwant.I'mreadytofind someone,getmarried,buyahouse,andhaveababyinthatorder,andwithlightningspeed.But I'venoticedsomethingcuriousabouthowIrelatetomen.I'vemetsometerrificguys,butasmuch asI'velikedthem,I'malsoawareofwaiting forthemtoscrewupin someway.It's asifIdon't wantthemtobeallthatimportantinmylife." Webelievethataneweraisnowemergingforbothwomenandmen.Theprizedindependence of the autonomous and divorced all too frequently pays off in loneliness, economic woes, and regret. While marriage might carry along with it new forms of obligation, it also promises new forms of freedom and fulfillment. Children can be incredibly taxing and exhausting, but they're magicalandrewardinginwaysthatdeepenandcompletetheirparents'lives. Thewomen'smovementgavewomenasenseofoptionsandaclearervisionoftheirownworth andpotential.Itmadethemawarethattheirneedswereimportant,thattheycouldandshould make important decisions about the quality and structure of their lives. But women today also want to establish love relationships with men. With that in mind, they are abandoning the residuesofangeranddistrustofmenandareestablishingrelationshipsonmoreconsciouslyand moreclearlynegotiatedfootingsofequality.Theyare feelinga greateracceptanceoftheir own capacityforloveandnurturance,andareexperiencingthebiologicalandemotionaldrivetohave children. More and more, we believe, smart women are discovering that selffulfillment cannot be realized through career and selfmastery alone. Neither can it be gained through love alone. Selfrealizationcomesfromtheachievementofbothloveandmastery.

CHAPTERTWO

Daddy'sLittleGirl

woman's wish for the perfect man has its roots in early childhood experiences, particularly the relationship between father and daughter. Fortunately, the women's movement has exposed the subtle yet harmful mechanisms and effects of sexist parenting; nevertheless, most single women between the ages of 25 and 45 were likely reared by parents with traditional attitudesandsexrolebiases. Ordinarily,thereexistsanaturalandhealthyaffinitybetweengirlsandtheirfathers.Butmany women had overly solicitous and dependent relationships with their fathers that created an emotionalconnectionwiththemthatishardtobreak.Theylovedtheirdaddies,wantedtoplease them, and most especially wanted to be loved back. Although their brothers were pressured to becomegraduallymoreandmoreindependent,theywerenot.Theirfatherslovedthefeelingof protectivenesstheyhadforadaughter.Theylovedhelpingherandevenmayhavefeltrejected and unneeded if she rebuffed an offer of assistance or "rescue." The same men who conscientiouslytaughttheirsonshowtoprevailindifficultsituationstraditionallycautionedtheir daughters to avoid such situations. Most often, fathers rewarded a daughter for being sweet, obedient,andpassiveandasonforbeingstrong,adventurous,andaggressive. Mothers, for their part, further influenced their daughters' attitudes toward independence through the examples they set and by their interaction with the father. Some women were fortunatetohavemotherswhocommunicatedasenseofcomfortwiththeirownindependence and a feeling of confidence and mutuality in dealing with their mates. Other, less fortunate womenhadmaternalrolemodelswhocommunicatedfeelingsoffearandanxietyassociatedwith independence and who had a tendency to be overly deferential to their mates. These mothers foundithardtopushtheirdaughterstodotheverythingstheythemselveswereafraidtotry,so the pattern of fear and dependency was perpetuated in another generation. Essentially, dependentmothersunconsciouslytaughttheirdaughterstolookforamantodotherisktaking andtoprotectandwatchoverthem. Paula,awomaninhermidtwenties,relates,"Mymotheralwaysgaveintomyfather.Hemade allthedecisions.Shehadtoaskhimformoneyandgetpermissiontobuyevenlittlethings.My motherlookedtomyfatherforeverything."Paulabecameayoungerversionofhermotherand haslookedforamantoprovide"everything."HadPaula'smotherbeenmoreselfassuredandin possessionofagreatersenseofentitlementforherownneedsandpersonalrights,shemightnot haveletPaula'sfatherbesuchaunilaterallycontrollingforceinthefamily.Inturn,Paulawould have had a more balanced role model who communicated a sense of confidence and pride in beingawoman. Sydney,a34yearoldgraphicsdesigner,describesherchildhood:"Ilearnedtofendformyself earlyandlikeit.MymotherworkedforaslongasIcouldremember,andwhileneithershenormy dadhadaterrificjob,theyalwaysseemedtoenjoyeachotherandworkedasateam.Momhad her own interests and separate activities, and Dad not only respected that but < ncouraged

hermaybeitmadehimfeelmorecomfortablepursuingthethings heenjoyedhimself.Inever thought of being anything other than independent when I grew up; that was simply the way everyone in our family was, and we all enjoyed it. I can remember as a kid trying to coax my parentstodothingsformethatwerehard.SometimesifIwasreallyovermyheadtheywould stepin,butotherwisetheypushedmetojuststrugglethrough.Ihateditatthetime,butfromthis perspectiveIknowitmademealotstronger,andIlikefeelingstrong."Fortunately,Sydneyhad thekindoflovingandselfcontainedmodelsathomethathelpawomancreateandfeelsecure withinanautonomouslifestyle. Leigh, a 32yearold architect, was the youngest child in a family that included four older brothers.Herswasatraditionalupbringing;shehadaworking,responsible,andcaringfatherand amotherwhoseentireidentityandrangeofactivitiescenteredupontheneedsofherlargeand activefamily.ThesupportandloveLeighreceivedfromherfamilyhelpedcreatetheconfidence andselfesteemsonecessarytomeetthechallengesshetookonandmastered.Itwasn'tsomuch thatchallengewasfrighteningasitwasthefearofdependencyandfadingpersonalidentityshe associatedwithfamilyandtradition. AsLeighrecalls,"IrememberwhenIwas15or16andMomwasinherearlyforties,mybrothers wereallleavinghome,workingorgoingtoschool.Iwasbusywithmyownfriends,andnoneofus had time for Mom any longer. I remember her as being very depressed and lonelyshe had devotedherselftoustotallyandwhenwedidn'tneedheranymore,herwholesenseofpurpose inlifewasstrippedaway.Itmademefeelterrible,andImadeupmymindthatIwouldneverlet thathappentome." Leighgraduatedfromcollegewithhonorsandwentontostudyarchitectureandstartherown thrivingbusiness.Leighnotes,"Icertainlybecameindependent,somuchsothatIfeltIdidn'tneed a manor I guess marriage, more accuratelyfor anything, money, security, sex. I really have enjoyedwhatI'veaccomplished,butlatelyI'vefeltagrowingneedtosettledown.Iwouldliketo getmarried,takesometimeofffromwork,andhavechildren. ButI'mafraidthatifIletmyself need somebody or let someone need me I'll lose my ability to be in control and feel selfcontained."Leigh'smotherwasn'tbadorinadequate;shetriedtodowhatshefeltwasbest forherchildren.Theproblemissimplythattheworldhaschanged,andLeigh'sinheritancefrom hermotherhasbecomeanachronisticandthereforeconfusing. LearningtoBeCute

ll children fuss and cry when they are lonely, wet, or hungry. Crying is not a selfconscious

responseinveryearlyinfancy,butchildrensoonlearntouseittoconsciouslymanipulatethose aroundthem.Theylearnthatiftheycryloudenoughandlongenough, theyusually canelicita reaction from their parents. Crying is a powerful tool, but essentially a negative onenot very enjoyableeitherforthechildorforthechild'sparents. Cuteness, on the other hand, is a child's first positive source of power and leverage. Parents loveit,andsodoesthechild.Beingcutegetschildrenattentionandaffection.Cuteisvulnerability madecharming.Cutewinsasmile,aquickhug,approval.Cutegetsitsway.Butitisindirectand baseduponmanipulationofsomeoneelse'sfeelingsandactions. At an early age, cute is captivating in both girls and boys. But when children brought up in traditional,sexstereotypedhouseholdsreachedtheageoffourorfive,somethingquitedifferent began happening to boys. Cute behavior began to be subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, discouragedinboysandencouragedingirls.Manyfathersinparticularopenlyreveledinthecoy and helpless manner that their daughters employed with them. Girls loved being able to make theirfathersmelt,andtheylearnedtopushalltherightbuttons.TheywereabletomakeDadfeel powerful and giving and enhance the feeling of maleness he associated with being a father. As timewenton,thesegirlslearnedtoactthiswaywheneveramanwaspresent,abehaviorpattern oftenunconsciouslypassedonfrommothertodaughter.Manywomentellustheyhavenoticed intalkingtoawomanfriendthatthewomanchangeswhenamancomesintotheroom.It'snot

solelywhatissaidornotsaid,butahostofnonverbalbehaviors,postures,andstylesofcommu nicating.Suchbehaviorsareoftensexuallyseductivethey'reareactiontoamalepresenceand aredirectedtowardgainingattentionandapprovalfromtheman.

LearningtoBeIndirect aura, an only child born to a professional couple in their late thirties, learned as a little girl nevertobedirectwithherfather.Iventhoughshelovedandneededhim,shefeltavaguebut persistentfearwhenevershedealtdirectlywithhim.Herfatherwasilltemperedandcontrolling in his relationships with his wife and daughter. In reality, there was little in his life he could actuallycontrol,withtheexceptionofLaura,sohewasn'tabouttorelinquishhisshortleashon her. In turn, she learned how to humor and manipulate him. She could extract pretty much whatevershewantedfromhimwithouteverhavingtobedirect.Overtheyears,Lauracameto dislike and distrust her father as a result of his inability to handle personal communication that wasdirectandhonest. Thesefeelingsandbehaviors,unfortunately,havecontaminatedtheintimaterelationshipsshe hashadasanadult.Shefindssheisnotverytrustingofmenandtendstobeindirectinherown communications.Sadly,Lauraisn'tuniqueinherdistrustofthesafetyandeffectivenessofbeing openwithmen.Manygirlslearnedsimilarpatternsofnegotiatingtheirneedsnotoutofchoice ordesirebutbecausethatwasthecommunicationpatternobservedbetweenparentsorbecause beingindirectwastheonlysuccessfulmeansofgettingwhattheyneeded.Howdothesepatterns develop?Somearelearnedbygirlsfromtheirmothers. Sandydescribeshermotheras"alwaysabletogetjustwhatshewantedfromDad."Sherecalls, "I think she probably could have gotten the same thing just by asking or telling him what she wanted.Butsheneverdid.Italwaysseemedlikeagametoher.Ithinkshereallyenjoyedgetting himtodothingswithoutknowinghewasbeingpositioned.Iendedupthinkinghemustbepretty dumbnottoseewhatshewasdoing." Karensawhermotherasweakaroundherfather."Momwouldputonthishelplessfrontwhen Dad was around. It was a real routine. She got him to do all the things she didn't want to do herself.Shecalledhim'Daddy/especiallywhenshewasabouttodooneofhernumbersonhim. It'skindoffunny,butwhenhewasn'taround,shewastoughasnailsshecoulddoanything." Karen says, "1 didn't really understand it until I was older, but Mom was very clever when it cametomyfather.Shewaseitheralloverhiminafakeaffectionatewayorcoldandcutting.She wasallpromiseorthreat,dependingonwhatshethoughtwouldworkbest." Fortunately,manywomenhadmotherswhocommunicatedmoreopenlyanddirectlywiththeir mates, providing models of communication that were clear and devoid of the painful and humiliating disguise of indirectness. In turn, such women bring those same patterns of communication into their adult male/female relationships. The mothers of many women, how ever, believed it necessary to be indirect in the expression of their needs and wishes and inadvertentlypassedonthatlessontotheirdaughters. Childrenhaveno wayofjudging whetherbehaviorsarehealthyandjustifiedordistortedand inappropriate.Theysimplyobserveandlearn.Boyslearnhowtobeamanandgirlslearnhowto be a woman from the likesexed parent. This process, called "identification" or "modeling," is virtuallyautomatic.Ayounggirldoesn'taskherself,"Arethereotherwaysofbeingawomanthan what I see in my mother, or is this how all women get what they want from men?" Later, such questions do emerge, but often after the most fundamental and lasting aspects of the identificationprocesshaveoccurred. Women blessed with mothers who related to their husbands in clear and direct ways are fortunate: Carla, a 30yearold pediatric resident, grew up in a tiny town in Arizona. The oldest of five children,Carlalearned responsibility at an early age, for shehelpedcare for the other children. Her father was an immigration officer, and her mother not only ran the household but had a timeconsumingbookkeepingjobforseverallocalbusinessesaswell.Neitherofherparentshad

muchformaleducation,butlearningwasahighlyvaluedandemphasizedpartofthedaytoday lifeofherfamily.Therewaslittleextramoneyforluxuryitems,but,asCarlanotes,"Mymother wasavoraciousreadereverythingfromtrashynovelstophilosophy.Booksweretreasuresinour house,andIcan'teverrememberwantingoneIdidn'tget.Weusedtopassbooksaroundfrom persontoperson,andeventhoughmydaddidn'treadallthatmuchhimself,healwaysjoinedin ourlivelydiscussionsandalwaysseemedtohaveastrongopinion.Lookingback,Momwasmuch moreliterate,muchmoretheintellectual,butshehadarespectandaffectionformydadthatwas consistentthroughtheyearsofmychildhood.Andhewell,Dadsimplyadoredher.Eventhough hediedwhenIwas16,Ithinkitwasseeingthemtogetherthatreallyletmelikeandtrustmen.I mean,notonlydidshelovehimfiercely,whichwasveryapparent,butshelikedhimshethought hewasfunny;sheevenenjoyedthekindoftough,macho,volatilepartsofhimthatweresucha contrasttohergentlenessandconsistency.MomwasalwaysstraightwithDadevenontouchy subjectsorwhenhedidn'treallywanttohearwhatshehadtosay.Sometimeshewouldreact and it could get pretty heated, but I know he respected and appreciated her honesty and liked howspunkyshewaswithhim." Carla,asanadult,genuinelylikesmen.She is neither intimidated by them nor hesitant to be assertive when necessary or loving when she feelslikeit. It is not just the mother who shapes styles of influencing. Manipulative techniques have also been taught and reinforced by fathers, although rarely intentionally or consciously. Many men tolerated, and some even secretly enjoyed, being manipulated by a daughter. Flattered by her helplessness, they felt protective, strong, and needed, the most powerful emotions in that mysterious link between father and daughter. Many a father found himself doing things for his daughterwhich,undersimilarcircumstances,hewouldforceasontodoonhisown.Thismodel oftheeverhandy,alwayswillingfatherhasconditionedmanygirlstoseekthesametraitsintheir mates. Lynngrewupinalowermiddleclassfamily.Shewastheonlygirl,thebabyofthefamily,andthe darling of her father's eye. Both parents focused their attention and adoration on Lynn, whose accomplishmentsweretogobeyondanythingtheparentshopedtoachievepersonally.Herfather was particularly doting, giving her the material things he thought befitting his "little princess." Lynn'sbedroomwasdecoratedandfurnishedfarbeyondthemeansoftheparentsandinsharp contrasttotherestoftheapartment.Herfathersawtoitthatsheboughtherclothesatonlythe fineststores.HeevendroveheracrosstowneachSundaysoshecouldattendchurchinawealth ier suburb.The more hegave, the more she wanted andthe more she got. It's no wonder that "littleLynnie"grewintoavoraciousadult. Initiallywarmandadoringwithmen,Lynnquicklybecamedemandingandcriticalofanything less than the Herculean effort put forth by her father. She was absolutely determined to find a manwhowouldalsothink,"There'snothingtoogoodformybaby." Lynn didn't hope men would give and do for her, she expected them to, without reservation, andwithoutanyrealisticconsiderationonherpartoftheman'sindividualcircumstances. Finally,whenWalt,akindandverytraditionalman,proposedtoherwithproperceremonyand a sizable diamond ring, Lynn gave him a qualified yes. Lynn did get married, but she has never receivedthefussandadorationshewasledtobelieveshedeserved.Herhusband'sresentment only increased as her demands mounted. Lynn's unrealistic expectations have led to chronic disappointmentforher,andforWalt,anaggingfeelingofinadequacy. Obviously,thehealthy,caringfatherisconcernedabouthisdaughter'sviewofmen.Hedoesn't allow his own needs for control and/ or adoration to overly influence his behavior toward his daughter. He wants her to grow up as strong and capable as possible. With growing enlightenment,we'reseeingmoreofthesepositivefatherdaughterpatternsemerging.

ThePowerfulFather

nother pattern that results from the powerful connection between girls and their fathers is

theproblemofoveridealization.Sometimesthefathertrulyisahardacttofollow.Alice'sfather, forexampleahandsome,dignified,successfuldoctormadefordifficultcompetition.Nomatter how hard Alice tried not to, she always ended up comparing her boyfriends to her father. Somehow,theboyfriendsalwayscameupshort.Herfatherislargeenoughinreallife,buttoAlice heisevenlargerbecausesheviewshimthroughtheeyesofanadoringdaughter. Sara's mother died soon after Sara was born. Sara was raised by her father, a dynamic, tem peramental,andfrequentlytyrannicalmovieproducer.Sarawasinaweofhim.Asanadult,she hasbecomedisdainfulofmenwhodon'tpossessherfather'sauraandpower.Thisunfortunately narrowstremendouslytherangeofmensheseesaspotentiallysuitableforherasmates. Oftenitishardforwomentobreakawayfrompowerfulfathers.Awomandoesn'tfreeherself frombondsofdependencysimplybyremovingherselffromherfather'sphysicalpresence.Going awaytoschoolorgettinganapartmentorajobdoesnotnecessarilychangeawoman'swishtobe takencareof.Thatneedissimplytransferredtothe"newman"inherlife. Breaking free of that dependent tie requires confronting and overcoming fears of indepen dence, working through the anxiety that inevitably accompanies the process of becoming independent. It also requires a more realistic acceptance of men as they are, not as childhood fantasieswouldlikethemtobe.

TheMissingFather
omenwhohavehadanincompleterelationshipwiththeirfathersornorelationshipatall have been deprived of normal experiences and expectations. These experiences are necessary to be able to clearly separate reactions toward the father from reactions to men in general. What effect does not having had the experience of a father's love have upon the way thesewomenviewmenasadults? Theconceptsofthefatherandthemotherareprofoundlyprimitiveandpowerful.Whenagirl lacksafatherinherlife,shecreatesafantasyfather.ThefantasyisconstructedfromwatchingTV andmovies,readingbooks,andobservingotherchildren'sfathers.Bitbybit,acompositefather takesform.Theimagethatemergesiscomposedofthemostinteresting,comforting,andloving ofelements.Thefantasized,wishedforfatherisinvariablystrongandprotective. Suchwishfuldreamingishealthyinthatthegirlisnourished,tosomedegree,bythevisionof whatagoodfathercouldbe.Butthereareoftendistortions.Rarelyisthereanyacknowledgment ofpossibleflaws. The powerfullonging for the father and his love oftenleadsa womanto continuethe search into adulthood. Anita, who at 34 has sadly not yet been able to sustain a happy, lasting rela tionshipwithaman,revealed,"MyfatherdiedwhenIwastwobutIalwayshadanideaofexactly whathewaslike.IdreamedabouthimasIgotolder.Hewouldcomeinandhelpmeorsaveme fromsomethingbad.Iknewthatifonlyhewerearound,I'dfeelsafe/' Anita'sfantasyaboutherfatherhascausedrealinterferenceswithmen.Shehasn'tyetfound anyonewithwhomshefeels"safe,"whomshecantrustnottoabandonherasherfatherdid.In addition,themenshehasbeenwithhaven'tliveduptotheimagesheconstructedsolongagoof whatamanshouldbe.

TheUnresponsiveFather
onniedescribesherfatherasa"blob.""Hewasthere,butweneverreallytalkedandhewasn't interestedinmeorwhatIwasdoing.Iguessyoucouldsaywehadanonrelationship.Nothing reallybadhappened,butwhatwasbadwasjustthatnothingatallhappened." The men Lonnie is attracted to are flamboyant, larger than life. She says, "I keep on needing somethingdramatic,alive,inmen.Well,I'vehadmyshareofdramatics.Theseguysareflashyand exciting at first but not much beyond that. I know they aren't what I need, but I keep picking them.IguessI'mjustscaredofRettingstuckwithamanlikemydad."

Nancy,a34yearoldlegalsecretary,lovedIterfatheranddesperatelyneededhisloveinreturn. He was a preoccupied manwithdrawn <ind unaffectionate. Nancy recalls trying to hug Iter fatherforthelasttimewhenshewas11. "Itwashisbirthday.MymotherletmestayuplatetowaitforhimhewasjustgettingImck from some business trip. When he came in the door, I ran to him and hugged him, but he just pushedmeaway.Iguesshewasalwaysuncomfortablewithaffection.WhenIwasolder,mymom toldmetheyhadalousysexlife." As a girl, Nancy could never understand why her love for her father wasn't returned. "I kept wonderingwhatwaswrongwithmeandIkepttryingtobeabettergirl,towinhislove."Sheis stilltryingtobea"bettergirl"wantingnowtopleasethemenshegoesoutwithinanattempt to win their love. Unfortunately, her overeagerness to please, her naked hunger for affection, sendsmenrunningandnotinherdirection. Linda'sfatherwasanalcoholicwhoneglectednotonlyherbuttheentirefamily."Icouldnever countonhim,"shesays."Hewasterrificwhenhewassoberbutverymeanwhenhegotdrunk.I neverfeltsecureevenduringgoodperiods.Hewasneverreallyabletotakecareofus."Nowa 39yearoldshopowner,Lindahasdifficultytrustingmen.Sheseesallmenasbeingasungiving andunstableasherfatherwas.Sodesperateisshetofeelsafeandcaredfor,andsoangryisshe aboutwhatherchildhoodlacked,thatshepushesmenawaybeforetheygettheopportunityto letherdownordisappointherinanyway. Searchingforthefather'slostloveisadistinctlylosingactivity.Noman,nomatterhowmuchhe wouldliketo,canmakeuptoawomanwhatshelackedasachild.Thatkindoflovecanonlybe giventoachildbyaparent.Longingsofthisnatureareseldomconsciouslydefined.Womenwho engageinthisquestknowonlythattheyalwaysendupfeelingdisappointedbymenbutit'snot becausethementheychooseareinadequate.It'sbecausetheirexpectationsaredistorted.

TheSecretNeedtoBeRescued
anywomen,nomatterhowstrongorcompetent,haveasecretneedtoberescued.Little girls,aswehavenoted,arenottraditionallyencouragedtobecomeautonomous.They're taughttogethelpratherthantohelpthemselves.AsLavonnarecalls,Ialwayscountedonguysto helpmewhenthingsgottough.Ineverrealizedhowhelpless itmademeseemand,Iguess,be." Lavonna learned to ignore her own problem solving skills and instead rely on skillfully ma neuvering a man to assist her. While men were learning to directly confront and solve life's ichallenges, Lavonna was learning how to get men to "rescue" her. The men gained experience withhandlingproblems,whileshelearnedhowto4'handle"themen. Theoverprotectivefathermaythinkheismerelybeingalovingfather,butheisreallyteaching hisdaughterthatsheneedshisprotection.Asanadult,sheislikelytoseekoutmenwhoprovidea similarsenseofsecurityandprotection. Whatisperhapsmostdangerousaboutrescuefantasiesisthattheyusuallyarenotconscious. Women know intellectually that they can't be "rescued" and sheltered from life's risks and insecurities.Butthisseductivefantasyisnonethelesssurprisinglyprevalent.Anditoperatesasa kindofradar,hominginonthekindofmanthiswomanpicks:"rescuers."Soofteninthecourseof psychotherapy we hear even the most accomplished and savvy women express the wish to be takencareoforrescuedfromtheirburdens. Hereistheproblem:Weallwanttobetakencareof,nurtured,andloved.Butwemustlookto ourselvesforsomeofthisnourishment.Unfortunately,alltoooften,womenhavebeentaughtto fulfilltheseneedsthroughmateselection.Amateshouldbemorethanasolutiontoaproblem. Only a clear understanding of early experiences with a father will enable women to free themselves from unconscious expectations that can cause problems in adult relationships with men.Failuretoachieveaseparationfromthefathercancausedeepconflictsandsabotageeven themostpromisingrelationship.
CHAPTERTHREE

HowMenRespondtoDaddy'sLittleGirl

enreallydopreferwomenwhoaren'tasstrongorintelligentastheyare,right?Wrong!But manywomenbelievethiscommonmyth.It'salmostanarticleoffaiththatmenwillmelt underthespellofcute,sweet,adoring,childlikewomen.Inthischapterwe'llshowyouhowmen respond to these'traits in women and what happens to relationships when the woman has not abandonedtheroleof"Daddy'slittlegirl."

Helplessness
e'vealreadydiscussedhowtheunfortunatebehaviorpatternsofhelplessnessandindirect communicationofneedsbecomeestablishedingirlsandthewaysinwhichthosebehaviors may be enjoyed and reinforced by fathers. As girls become women, it's only natural that some continue to use these same patterns to get men to respond warmly to them. Initially, men can findhelplessnessonawoman'spartfun,flattering,andattractive.Itbuildsinacomfortingpadof safety in the beginning stage of a relationship because it allows the man to feel as if he is in control. Ben, an architect in his midthirties, has been divorced for nearly a year after an eight year marriage.HedescribeshisfeelingsaboutCindy,awomanhehasbeendatingfortwomonths: "ItwasjustgreatwhenIfirstmether.Maybeitwasthewelcomecontrastwithmyexwife,but I loved how soft and feminine Cindy was. She made me feel strong and protective, which was greataftermywifewalkedoutonmeforsupposedlybeinganegocentric,unfeelingbastard. "ButI'vegottotellyou,it'swearingabitthin.Iknowthere'smoretoher,butIjustdon'tknow how to find it. Though I really do like a lot of things about her, now when I talk to her on the phone,it'sbeginningtosoundlikebabytalk." CindycaresagreatdealforBen,and,inlact,sheismuchstrongerthansheseems.Herfather dotedonher,especiallywhenCindywasinapparentneedofhisstrengthandprotection,andshe plays out these early learning patterns unconsciously with the men in her lifeselling out her considerablerealstrengthandcompetenceandultimatelydrivingawaythemenshewantsinthe process. WhatBenhasfoundisthatheneedssomeonewhoismoregrownupandless"helpless."What atfirstallowedhimtofeelsafeandvaluednowcausesannoyanceandresentment. Men don't resent helplessness in a child or a young daughter; it's appropriate. But men do resent helpless women. First, helplessness creates excessive demands on men, as we'll explain shortly.Second,menmayenvywomen'sgreaterfreedomtoindulgetheirhelplessness,something whichissociallyforbiddentomen. Barry,ajuniorhighschoolscienceteacher,speaksformanymenwhenhesays,"Idon'twanta woman to pat me on the back and then sit back and expect me to do everything. I need a real partner,notalittlegirltotakecareof.Whataboutme?Who'sgoingtocomfortmewhenIfeel hassled?" Mostmenarenotlookingforasurrogatedaughterorsomeonetopumpuptheiregos.Today, more thanever,they arelooking for partners.It'simportant to recognizethatmen have strong dependencyneedsoftheirown. When a woman appears helpless, the man often views her as someone who may not have the capacitytosatisfyhisneedsfornurturance.

Forwomenwhousechildlikebehaviorasadominantstrategyintheirrelationshipswithmen, their"perfect"manisalwayssomevariationoftheeveradoringfather.Whetherornotthemen areinfactfatherlyoradoring,thesewomenperceivethemassuch.

GamePlaying
nChapterTwo,wedescribedthewaysinwhichchildrenlearntogetwhattheyneedfromtheir parents.Howeverthesestylesofmanipulationarelearnedfromone'smotherorfatherthey definitelycanprovedisastrouswhenexpressedinadultman/womanrelationships. Whenachildgrowsupfeelingthatmanipulationisnecessaryforgettingwhatheorshewants, it's very unfortunate, for the adult can become caught in an intricate web of veiled threats and poses of helplessness. What's saddestisthat whenever we achieve anything in anindirect way, we feel bad insidesuch victories are hollow and don't really enhance our confidence or selfesteem.Stillanotherlegacyofthisgameplayingforwomenisthefearandbasicdistrustof menitcreates.Womencannotbetrulycomfortablewithmeniftheytryto"handle"theminindi rectways,backingintoimportantdiscussionsandnotexpressingtheirneedsanddesiresopenly anddirectly. "I don'tthink she's evergoing tobeconvincedthat Iloveher," says Lorenzo,31, an assistant districtattorneywhohasbeenlivingwithChristina,27,acourtreporter,forthepastyear."She's alwaysputtingmethroughtheselittletests.Likeaskingmetotakeoffworkearlytopickupher dogatthevetrightasI'mpreparingforamajortrial.AndIfindmyselfhavingtoaccountforallof mytimetoher.Iknowshedoesn'treallysuspectmeofanything,it'sjustherneedtokeeptabson me. She is wonderful in so many ways, but her insecurity is beginning to get to me. When she wentawayforaweektovisitherparents,Ifeltsorelaxed.Iknowshewantstogetmarried,butI can'timaginehavingtoplaytheseendlessgamesandgiveherproofsofmylovefortherestofmy life." Therearesome womenwhoconsciously believethatcoyness,cunning,and gameplaying are absolutely essential in their dealings with menthe only way they can hope to get what they want.But,sadly,mostwomenwhoemploymanipulativeorindirectstylesarenotreallyawareof doingso. "We had planned to go skiing over Valentine's Day weekend with another couplefriends of mine,"recallsMichael,25,agraduatestudent."DonnawasveryhappyandexcitedwhenIasked her to go. It would have been the first time we went away together since we've been togetheraboutfourmonths. "Well, as it got closer to Valentine's Day, Donna made some very critical remarks about my friend'swife,Lori.DonnafinallysaidIshouldgoaheadandgowithouthersoshecouldcatchup onsomeresearchovertheweekend.Iknewshewasn'ttellingmethetruth.Wehadalongtalk, andwhatfinallycameoutwasthatshewasangryatmeforwantingtospendaromanticweekend withtheothercouple.Shewantedtobealonewithme. "Insteadofjustsayingthat,she hadbuiltupthisrealhostilityforLori. Shewas forcingmeto choosebetweenherandmybestfriends.Weworkeditoutandhadagreattimeskiingalllour of usbut now I find myself wondering what she really wants sometimes when we're having a discussion." Patternsofcommunicationthatchildrenlearnearlyintheirlivesarewonderfullyhelpfulifthey remainrelevantandappropriatetocurrentlifesituations.Butusuallytroubleresuitswhenold solutions areappliedtonewsituations.Whatwasappropriatewithafathermaybedestructive withanadultlover. It's crucial to recognize that the underlying trigger of gameplaying behavior is a fear of not gettingwhatoneneeds.Everyonedeservestohavehisbasicneedsmet.Whatisatissueisnotthe needs themselves, but the appropriate ways to go about satisfying them. It is foolish to believe that gameplaying is a viable way to accomplish that goal. It isn't. It simply alienates men and drivesthemaway.

HiddenDependencyNeeds

oyce, a talented and ambitious commercial artist, lived and worked in a downtown Los

Angelesloft.Shehaddatedmanymen,butneverseemedtoformanysortoflastingconnection. Judgingfromherownpronouncementsthatsheneededherindependencetodevelophercareer, itseemedasifshewasn'tinterestedinadeepcommitmenttoaman.Atleastnotuntilshemet Gary, a real estate broker who seemed the most unlikely of matches for her. In contrast to the artistsandwriterstowhomshe'dalwaysbeendrawnbefore,Garywasstableanddependable.He wasfascinatedbyRoyce.Sheintroducedhimtoanartistic, creative world he had never before known. Just six months after they met, she gave up her downtownloftandmovedintohisluxuriousranchhomeinthesuburbs. Mary had worked for IBM for the ten years since she had graduated from Vassar. It was an indicationofherstrongdriveforindependencethatatage25shehadchosennottomarrythe man she was living with when she unexpectedly got pregnant. She had raised Lili, now 7, by herselfandwasadevotedsinglemother.Maryhadbeenpromotedtoamanagerialpositionwhen she met Tom. Their relationship was fast and intense, and Mary was thrilled. Not only did Tom careforher,buthealsohititofffabulouslywithherdaughter.Fourmonthsaftertheymet,Mary andTomweremarried. Sheryl was near completion of a residency in orthopedic surgery in San Francisco. She was pleasedbythetoughandaggressiveevaluationsshereceivedfromprofessorswhenshedecided upon a surgical residency.In spite of the grueling hours and the demands placed upon her, she earned the respect of her fellow residents and staff surgeons. She began dating David, a staff internist at the hospital. Before David, Sheryl had assiduously avoided love affairs with doctors. "When I leave the hospital, the last things I want to talk about are cases of hospital politics." Despite these longstanding aversions, her attachment to David deepened. The week after she completedherresidencyshemovedinwithDavid. What do these women havein common? Theyall seemindependent and selfsufficient. Each establishedarelationshipwithamanwhowasattracted,atleastinpart,tothesequalities.Now, let'stakealookattheevolutionoftheirrelationships. Shortlyafter Royce,the artist,moved in with Gary, she felt anenormous release of pressure. She began to realizehow anxious she had been, how hard she hadhadto pushherself to keep afloatfinanciallyonafreelancebasis.Forthefirsttimesinceleavinghomeshehadsomeonewith whom she could share living expenses. For the first time, too, she had a roof over her head regardlessofwhethershehadmoneycomingin.Roycefoundherselfspendingfewerandfewer hours in her studio in Gary's house and more and more hours puttering around the house and making fabulous gourmet dinners for Gary. She slackened her pace and stopped the energetic hustlethathadbeenherstyleforsolong.Shespentlazyafternoons readingandevenplantedavegetablegardeninthebackyard.Shedaydreamedaboutreturningto artschoolanddevotingherselftoseriouspainting.ButasRoycebecamemoredomesticated,Gary found himself pulling away from her. This wasn't the freespirited and ambitious woman he wanted.Hedidn'tseehimselfasafreerideorasubsidyforherartcareer.Inshort,Garyfelttaken inbyRoyce. Mary,theexecutive,hadneverbeenhappierinherlife.Shehadenjoyedherdaughterandher professional success tremendously, yet had always wanted a father for Lili and a partner for herself.Tomwasperfectawonderfulfatherandakindandlovinghusband.Soonaftersheand Tom married, Mary began to have a persistent and delightful fantasy about quitting work and reallybeingafulltimemother.Beforehermarriage,herprofessionalworkwasnotanoption,but

a necessity. But now she felt so protected by Tom that the fantasy of quitting became a real possibilityandshefeltlessmotivatedtopushforwardinherwork.Marydiscoveredshewastired oftheburdensandresponsibilitiesofherjob,thepressureofhavingtogooutandperformday afterday.Onenightafteranespeciallypassionatesessionoflovemaking,shesharedherfantasy withTomiboutquittingherworkforawhile.Tomwas furious. He didn't want to be the sole breadwinner in his new family. Tom wanted Mary to continuetowork. Sheryl,thephysician,feltasthoughshehadbeeninschoolherwholelife,andforallpractical purposes, she had. She had felt comfortable in an academic environment, but was quite apprehensiveaboutsettingupherownpractice.Sherylinterviewedwithanumberoforthopedic groups and received several attractive offers, but in each case she seemed to find at least one importantingredientmissing.Shefoundherselfquestioningwhethershetrulywasinterestedin orthopedics;itnowseemedsopreciseandmechanical.Incontrast,livingwithDavidwaseasy.He encouraged her to take her time to find the right medical group to join. He understood the pressureshewasunderandtheletdownonefeelsaftersomanyyearsofworkingtowardagoal. Afterall,hehadfeltittoo.Astheweekswentby,Sherylfoundherselfthinkingofchildren,either havingoneherselforperhapschangingher specialty and doingasecondresidencyinpediatrics or, better yet, pediatric orthopedics. The demands and uncertainty of private practice began to seem terrifying, and she longed for the structure and security of the familiar academic environment. She became increasingly confused, paralyzed. David's income was more than enoughtosupportthembothverycomfortably.Sherylfeltconfidenthewouldendorseherplan to take sometime off to find herself. But David didn't endorse her plan. Herindependence and admirable competence were part of what he had cherished in her. He was disappointed and resentfulthatshehadlosthersenseofdirectionandambitionandnowwantedtobetakencare of. How do these men react when the women they love change so radically? They are resentful. Let'sexploresomeofthereasonswhy. Firstofall,themenassumedthatthewaythesewomenpresentedthemselvesatthebeginning oftherelationshipwasthewaytheyreallywereandwouldcontinuetobe.Whentheychanged, themenfeltdeceived.Thesewomenhadexperiencedhowexhaustingandstressfulitwastobe on their own, and now that they had a man to lean on, they felt they could relax. They had relinquishedasignificantfacetoftheirstrengthandindependence.Fromamalepointofview,it wasasthoughahiddenlittlegirlhadgraduallyemerged. Actually, men feel the same urges to be dependent and to be taken care of that women do. However, most men suppress them for adaptive reasonsmen have little choice but to be selfsupporting.Butbecausemenhavetheirownfantasiesofdependency,theyopenlyresentand secretlyenvyawoman'sdesiretoexerciseher"option"tobetakencareof. Inaddition,menhavehiddenfearsconcerningtheirowndependencyneeds.Traditionally,they havebeentaughtthatsuchneedsarenotmasculineandaretobedenied.Iftheseneedsaretoo apparent,itcreatesdiscomfortinmostmen,evenshame. RayexpresseshisresentmentwhenhedescribeshisrelationshipwithDina,ahairstylist."Iwas attractedtoherbecauseshewaspretty,funny,athletic,andreallyherownperson.Wedecidedto livetogetherforayeartofindoutifwegotalongwellenoughtogetmarriedandhavekids.She saidshewantedherownbeautysalon,andwetalkedaboutsavingforitandahouse.Well,we got a nice apartment together, and things changed almost overnight. She had always worked threeorfoureveningsaweekbefore,butshestoppedtakingeveningappointmentssoshecould behometocookdinnerforme.Thenshestartedcomplainingthatshecouldn'tstandtheowner ofthesalonwheresheworked.Oneday,shejustquit.Nowshesaysshewantstogetmarriedas soonaspossible.Everymonth,Ithinkshe'sgoingtotellmeshe'spregnant.Eventhoughshe'snot workingnow,shecallsmea "sexistpig"ifIdon'twashthedishesandhelpwiththeapartment.Ithinkshebasicallywantsit bothwaystobetakencareoflikeachildandtreatedlikeawoman."

RayhaddifficultyadjustingtoDina'sneedforaliberatedmanwhileshestillhadthefreedomto choosewhicheverroleshedesired.AsRaydescribeshisfeelings,"Itseemsasifshe'sgotthebest ofbothworlds,andI'mstuckwiththeworst." Thereiscertainlynothingwrongwithwantingtoleanonsomeonethat'swhatlovers,families, andclosefriendsarefor.And,ofcourse,mostmentodayunderstandthatcareerwomenmusttake time off in order to bear children and begin a family. But when these needs are hidden and overpowering andthen suddenly emerge as a surprise ina relationship,they cancreate serious problems. Many women, particularly in recent years, have learned to conceal dependency needs from themselves and others. They think of themselves as selfsufficient and confident. They look for menwhonotonlyacceptbutalsovalueandappreciatetheirautonomy.Thesewomenareoftenas shocked astheirmen when their"strong woman" facadecrumbles. Naively,thenewly revealed littlegirlinthesewomenassumesthe"perfect"mantheychosenaturallywillbeabletohandle hernewsetof
fS3]

needs and emotions. After all, a "real man" shouldn't resent dependency. But most often, even the"realman"does.Hefellinlovewithanindependentwomananddidn'trealizethatalittlegirl wentalonginthebargain. Fortunately, there are early warning signs of such hidden dependency needs. Penelope Rus sianoff s Why Do I Think I'm Nothing Without a Man? and Colette Dowling's The Cinderella Complex explore these issues with fascinating insight. One obvious early warning sign is when dreams of marriage are linked with thoughts of total security, even when a woman is aware intellectually that marriage is not an absolute protection blanket from life's insecurities and problems. Dependency needs hide behind another disguise, the excessive compulsion to control a relationship. Jessica, a 26yearold department store buyer, relates, "Before Pete, I never had troublebeingwarmandaffectionatewithmen.Butwithhim,Ifeltthisterribleanxiety.Ihadto pushhim andtest himandmakehimshowthathelovedmemorethanIlovedhim,makehim give whileIheldbackandactedlikearealbitch.Iwasinconstantterrorthathe wouldgetthe upperhandandrejectme." Bynotgivingftillyofherlove,notopeningupemotionally,Jessicadidnothavetofaceorreveal to Pete her powerful, hidden need for him. When we allow ourselves to become soft and vulnerable,ourdependencyneedsshootrighttothesurface. Many women may find themselves suddenly longing to walk away from hardearned careers soon after they connect deeply with a man who offers economic security. They may fantasize aboutgoingbacktoschoolordevelopingtheircreativetalents.Whatmanywomenfailtorealize is that many men would like to do the same things. For the most part, however, men have to moonlightcreativeexpression.Formenwholackprivatefortunes,doingsomething"meaningful" (read:low orno pay)orcontinuingtheireducationhasto beaccommodatedaroundafulltime work schedule. Not surprisingly, the woman who wants to quit work to fulfill herself can spark deep resentment in the man who not only can't allow himself the same luxury, but also is expectedtosupporttheendeavor. Womencan'tmakeradicalchangesintheirgoalsandattitudesandexpectmentoautomatically supportthem.Changesinexpectations;indlifeplansmustevolveslowlyandmutually.

TheHungerforLove

ery young children are connected to their parents by an invisible umbilical cord of

appropriate,healthydependency.Achild'sloveisprimarilyaselfishandonesidedexperience.It isn't until the process of socialization gradually takes hold that children learn concern and

sensitivity for others and begin to experience the magical rewards of giving love as well as receivingit. Childhoodexperienceswithlovevarytremendously.Someofuswerefortunateinbeingmade tofeelvaluedandlovedbyourparents.Butmanyofuswereleftwithanincompleteexperience oflove.Thescarsofthisearlydamagetoone'ssenseoflovabilityandpersonalvaluemayleadto adesperationwhichinadulthoodactsasabarriertolove.Insteadofinvitingthecompassionand understanding we deserve from others, these old wounds frequently have the effect of actually puttingothersoff. It's a sad paradox that women who most need love often have the least chance of finding it, especiallywhentheyareunawareofthesignalsofdesperationtheysendthatmayalienatemen. Theydon'tnecessarilydenytothemselvesthattheyhavestrongneeds,buttheyareunawareof thewaystheseneedsarecommunicatedtomen. Awoman'sdesperationmaybeexperiencedbymenasanemptyhole,adeep,dark,bottomless pit.Itterrifiesthem.Desperationinnowaycommunicatesthecapacitytogivelove;itshoutsonly thefierceneedtobeloved.Desperationisanunspokenhungerthatrevealsitselfassurelyasifa womanhadamessagetattooedonherforehead:"Loveme!Pleaseloveme!" There is something very fundamental that women need to understand about men. Even the most confident and secure of our male patients report that part of what they look for in a relationshiparethequalitiesofnurturance,warmth,andsensitivitytheyexperiencedfromtheir mothers when they were young. Men will never casually inform a woman of this, but it is true nonetheless.Eventoday,whenit'ssupposedlyacceptableformentoacknowledgethese"softer" needs,theyarereluctanttoappear"weak"insodoing.Althoughtherearestillmenforwhomthe needtofeelwarmandcloseistosomedegreedenied,thematernalcomponentmostmensearch forinwomenisenormouslyimportant.Whenit'sabsent,menmayconcludethatawomanistoo selfabsorbedordesperate.Why?Becausemeninterpretitsabsenceinawomanasreflectinga needtotake,notacapacitytogive. Howisdesperationtransmited?Menaresensitivetocertainextremelysubtleclues.Men'sradar fordesperationbeginsflashingwhenwomengiveimportancetoarelationshiplongbeforeithasa chance to really develop. They pick up on expectations that are too quick, too intense, too demanding.Theysenseawoman'shungerwhenexpressionsofaffectionandendearmentcome too soon, or when "I love you" has a plaintive question mark tacked on the endan indirect request to be reassured. A desperate woman demands a commitment before the relationship seedhastakenroot.Desperationdoesn'tbelievethatlefttogrowatitsownmagicalpace,love willblossom.Desperationpoisonsarelationshiplongbeforeromancecanevengetstarted. Thewomanwhodeniesherhungerforlovefrequentlyisbaffledwhenmenabruptlyturnoffto her. Recalling their encounter, she can find nothing she said or didintentionally that would explainwhyhedidn'tphoneagain. Debbie is a 37yearold engineer. Abandoned by alcoholic parents when she was 5, she was raisedbyaharshlyreligiousgrandmother.Debbiehasnevermarried,norhassheeverlivedwitha mgn. She is active in several singles' groups, but she's rarely asked for a second date. Debbie describes her situation: "I've really only had three boyfriends in my whole life, and the longest relationshiplastedonlyoneyear.It'snotasifI'mlookingforthemoonjustanice,decentguy. I'dliketohaveatleastonechild,andIknowmytimeisrunningout.I'magoodlistener,I'mas niceasIcanbeondatesandtrytoactconfident,casual,andfun,butIkeepscaringthemaway. SureI'mfeelingdesperatewouldn'tyoube?" Debbienotonlysoundsnice,sheisnice.Heronlyproblemisthatherlackofsuccessinmakinga connectionwith a man hascreateda hungry edge,communicating what has vergedupon panic overnotfindingsomeonetoloveher.Nomatterhowshetriestohideit,thefearshowsandmen unfortunatelyfinditfrighteningratherthanappealing. Even though such women are oftenperfectly capable ofloving and beingloved by men, men tendtorecoilfromthem.Repeatedrejectionsreinforcedeepseatedfeelingsofunlovabilityand serveonlytointensifythedesperationanditssignalstomen. Ron, an insurance adjuster, talks about the reactions he had to Ginny, a coworker he dated briefly. "I don't know exactly what turned me off to her. I really liked her. Ginny is friendly and

outgoingandattractive.Ithinkmaybeit'slliatshetriesalittletoohard.Whenwewentoutafew times,tothemoviesorfordinner,sheactedsograteful.Shekeptaskingifshewasdressedright and really pushed me into bed with her the second date. Now, when I see her coming, I find myself kind of hunching my shoulders and physically recoiling, and all she's doing is being friendly!" AlthoughRonmaynotfullyunderstandhisreactiontoGinny,heisrecoilingfromherintense emotionalneeds.Womenwhocomeacrossasstarvingforlovescarethehelloutofmen.Andthe longer such women are deprived of love, the hungrier they get. If these women weren't so desperate, men would be more readily inclined to love them. It may sound as if we are saying, "Don't be so hungry!" to a starving person. That's pretty ludicrous, and we don't mean that. Desperation is a symptom of low selfesteem and pessimism about one's lovabil ity. The only lasting solution is for a woman to develop trust in her own worthiness, and to transform her selfimage so tkat she can perceive herself as a person worthy of being loved. The desperate womanlookstootherstovalidateherworth.Shefoolishlythinksthatthe"right"manwillbethe solutiontoherfeelingsofincompleteness.Notonlyistherightmannotasolution,butwhenthis womanactsaccordingtothesefeelingsshe'sboundtodrivemenaway. The first step for women in dealing with desperation is recognizing and accepting that their hungermaybeoutofcontrol,thenlearningtocontainitnotdenyorsuppressit,butcontainit. Thekeytodoingthisistobecomemoreselfconfidentandallowrelationshipstounfoldgradually andmutuallyinsteadofrushingcommitment. The containment of emotional hunger is not an easy task. It requires continued faith that success, and thus enhanced selfesteem, will certainly followand it does. In fact, the very decision to look elsewhere for ways of bolstering one's confidence acts to contain and diminish desperation. Dependencyneedsgetbothwomenandmenintotrouble,primarilywhentheyattempttodeny them.Itisthenthattheymanifestthemselvesasselfdefeatingandinappropriatebehavior.Asa relationship deepens, needs and insecurities should be talked about and healthily satisfied throughaneasygiveandtakewithmen. Itistruethatsomemendothriveonawoman'sdependencyonthemtobeneededsofiercely bolsters their own selfimage. In fact, such men feel comfortable only when they are in this positionoftherescuingknight.Thedarksideofthismanispettytyranny.Beware!Heislikelyto sabotageandthwartanyattemptonawoman'sparttobecomemoreindependentoftenwith suchsubtletyandfinesseshemaybebarelyawarehe'sdoingit. Webelievethatwomenarerealizingthattheycannotcapturewhattheyhad,orwishtheyhad had, with their fathers. They are assuming responsibility for their own selfworth and sense of completion.Bymasteringsuchfeelingsindependentoftheirrelationshipswithmen,womenare abletoengageinthesortofmutuallynurturing,yetindividuallyselfsufficientpartnershipthatis theemergingparadigmforlastingandsuccessfulrelationships.

CHAPTERFOUR

HowMenRespondtoPowerinWomen

n order to clearly understand men and how they view women, it's important to know something about the images, fears, and wishes that forge the unconscious male psyche. We believethatwomenoftenfeeltheyknowmenwheninfacttheyareoftenquiteunawareofthe deeper forces that shape male behavior. This understanding is critical to making smart choices withmen. Since the first stirring of civilization, men have been in awe of women's capacity to give life. Probablyafteragooddealoftrialandrrror,menhituponamasterfultactic.Theysimplyhidthe awesome dimensions of their need and deceived women into believing it was really they who neededmenmore.Thisstrategyservedanumberofpurposes.Mencouldfeelneededbywomen, ignore some of their own dependency needs, and thus feel stronger and more in control. Whenever men or women feel frightened, they create myths to assuage their anxiety. So men created myths about women. If you examine mythology and fables about women throughout historyandlookbeneaththethinveneerofposturedsuperiority,youwillseemaleenvyandfear. The variety of myths men have created about women and their power is truly staggering. They range fromwoman asearth mother to womanasinsatiable whore.There are fables about wild and uncontrollable women whose capacity for passion was far superior to any man's. In many, manyculturesthewomanhasbeendepictedasanenchantresstheseductresswholeadsmen astray.IntheBible,weseeEve'sfemininewilesleadAdamintotemptation.InGreekmythology, themostmysteriousandfearsomepowerswerethosepossessedbytheSirens;sopowerfulwere thesecreaturestheycouldlurementotheirdeaths. Duringthe Middle Ages and withthe rise ofChristianity, purity and virginity became the new virtues that women were supposed to uphold. This was not really an attempt to model women aftertheVirginMother,butacleverdevicedesignedbymentoensurethatwomenwerefaithful totheirmates. Perhapsyouaresayingtoyourself,"Comeon,wedon'tlivethatwayanymore."Eventhoughwe are more sophisticated about the nature of men and women and know a lot more than our ancestors did, our basic instincts, our deep unconscious psychology, have not changed all that much.Justastheearliestknownworksofart,created bymen,werefertility symbols,ourbasic perception of the opposite sex is rooted in the primordial ooze of early civilization the influencesmaybelargelyunconscious,butthey'rethereandaffectusall.

TheAllPowerfulMother
et'stakealookattheearlychildhoodexperienceofmentoseehowfearandenvybegin.And remember, as we go along, that many of these feelings are alive and well in men, even as adults. Fromthefirstmomentsoftheirexistence,menaredependentuponwomen.Itisthemotherwho traditionally recognizes and satisfies her son's every need. She is the one who nurses him, comforts him, and is attentive to the subtlest shifts in his mood and physical wellbeing. The father is often a mysterious and inconsistent figure. Traditionally, he has been the breadwinner

andconsequentlyhashadlesstimetospendwithhischildren.Sowhenachildfalls,forexample, thecryforhelpisfor"Mommy"ratherthan"Daddy." Although in recent years fathers have begun taking a much more active parenting role, most adultmalesweresurroundedbywomenduringchildhoodtheirmothers,theirfriends'mothers, and female teachers. This concentrated exposure to women combined with fathers' working is onereasonwhymenaresaidtobeoverly"feminized"atanearlyage. Amotherhasapowerfulandcentralroleinaboy'slife.Heisbondedtoher,yetheeventually must learn to disengage from his mother in order to develop and define himself as a boy and, ultimately,asaman.Ifboysfailtomakethisseparation,theycanbecomeconfusedandinsecure intheirsexualidentity. Boys are taughtto feel a threat or danger in staying toocloseto theirmothers because such initially pleasant feelings of closeness and dependency ultimately lead to fears of weakness, becominga"sissy"ora"momma'sboy."Fathersfrequentlymakedeprecatingcommentstotheir sonsabouttheirclosenesstoandneedfortheirmothers.Andpeersmakeitclearveryquicklythat dependencyonone'smothercanbeexpressedopenlyonlyattheexpenseof derisionandperhapsostracismfromfriends.Yetevengrownmencarrywithinthemayearningto embrace and to be embraced by that allloving mother figurea yearning which often finds expression during times of great danger, need, or even celebration. A poignant example of the depth of this yearning can be seen in men who almost reflexively cry out "Mother!" when wounded on the battlefield. Even during bouts of minor illness, many men revert to babyhood. They do this for two reasons. First, illness brings to the surface old, familiar memories of being taken care of by a concerned, attentive, loving mother. Second, illness can provide men with a justificationforindulgingtheiryearningtobemothered.Theycanletdowntheirguardandallow themselvestobefussedoverwithoutfeelingashamedoftheirenjoymentofbeingbabied. Inadulthood,whenmenaredrawntointimateattachmentswithwomen,theyexperienceboth pleasure and fearthe pleasure of being nurtured by a woman and fear that these deeply ingrainedfeelingsofhelplessnessanddependencywilloverwhelmthem. Rick,a36yearoldlandscapeartist,says,"EverytimeIletmyselffallinloveIendupwiththis sick,scaryfeelinginside.IguessIlorgethowneedyIcanbe.Atfirst,Ifeelterrificwithher,but afterawhileIstartmakingherthecenterofmylife.Whensheleavesforworkinthemorning,I don'twanttolethergo.Iletmyselfget soconnectedtoher thatIendup feelingprettyweak. Eventually,Ifindmyselfbackingaway.Idon'twanttoletanywomanhavethatkindofpowerover me," Rick's unresolved feelings toward his mother unfortunately influence his relationships with women. He is an example of the man who repeatedly runs from commitment. He had an overprotective and domineeringmother he wasclose to, perhaps tooclose.The intensity of his needforawomancreatesanequallyintensefearofbeingenvelopedbyher,andbeingweakened byhisownneedforher. Tosaythatmenareafraidofintimacyistomissthepoint.Webelievemendowantintimacy.But men are unsure of how to deal with the feelings of helplessness that accompany letting their guarddownandAllowingthemselvestoneedawoman.Theyareafraidthatthewomanwillnot beaswarmandlovingastheirmother,orastheywishedtheirmothermighthavebeen.We're notimplyingthatallmen seekoutsurrogatemothers,butas wenotedinthepreviouschapter, mostmendowatchforsignsofwarmmaternalqualitiesinawoman.Thetruthisthatmostmen don'twanttobetoughallthetime,andtheyformthestrongestconnectionswithwomen who understand and accept this, who feel comfortable enough with their own nurturing abilities to give to a man when the need arises. What we are saying is that ultimately for even short but sweet periods of time, men would like to and may need to make contact with the soft and maternalpartofawomannottoremainthereforever,butrathertoconfirmitsexistenceand theacceptabilityoftheiravailingthemselvesofitsgift. We believe that women who blind themselves to these needs in men are making a terribly foolish choice. Men do pay attention to a woman's maternal potentiala lot of attention. And cautionflagscomeupiftheydon'tseeevidenceofthatpromiseinawoman.Mark,a39yearold loanofficer,describeswhatheislookingforinarelationship:"AtthispointinmylifeI'maware

that I need a lot of different things in a woman. I really like a woman to be independent and strong, but as much as I like that, I know it's also important to find her to be soft and compassionate,sortofmotheringwhenIneedit.I'mnotnecessarilyproudofit,butIknowIneed tofeelthissecuritybeforeIcansay'Iloveyou'toawoman." Mothershaveapowerfulimpactontheirsons,whichinfluencestheiradultrelationshipswith women.Awomancan'tchangetheseinfluences,butshecanlearntounderstandthem.

TheNewImpotency

ith the sexual revolution, women recognized the right to express their sexual needs and

desiresopenlyandfreely;menlosttheirlongheldsexualcontroloverwomen.Butasbeneficialas thesexualrevolutionhasbeenforbothwomenandmen,itisunfortunatelytruethat,inrecent years,men'sperformanceanxietyhasgreatlyincreased.Calledthe"newimpotency,"itcanbeso severethatsomemencompletelywithdrawfromsexualcontacts. Although many men profess to enjoy a more sexually aggressive woman, in fact there are doubtsandfearsthatmaysurfaceinthemanregardinghisabilityasalover.Itisvitallyimportant forsmartwomentorecognizeandbesensitivetothesefeelings. Thewomen'smovementencouragedmentobelessrigidlymachoandmoreexpressiveoftheir feelings. But in so doing, men opened up a Pandora's box of anxieties. Suppression of their sensitivityprotectedmenfromthisnowdirectexperienceofcertainfears. Take Phil's revelation in group therapy, for example. One evening, he sarcastically noted his progressinlearningtobemoreopenwithhisfeelings. "I'mclosertomorewomen,I'mlearningtolettheminandgettoknowme,butnowthebad newsI'mbecomingalousylover,especiallywithaggressivewomen.Whenawomanapproaches medirectly,Ishrivelupandrunlikehell!"Let'shopethatmenarejustinatransitionstagebut therearemanyPhilsouttherenow,reconcilingnewandoldattitudesaboutlovemaking. Menhaveastrongneedtomaintaintheirsexualselfesteem.Sometimeswomenhavedifficulty making sense of the often subtle and complex nature of male sexuality, and the puzzling ways malesexualperformanceanxietycropsupinrelationships. Formen,theimportanceofsexualactivityofteninvolveswhatit"means"ratherthanwhatit feelslike.Whereaswomenprimarilyrelatetotheirsexualexperienceintermsofdirectemotional intimacyandsensualpleasure,sexualactivityformenalsohasanimportantsymboliccomponent involving accomplishment ind conquest. Men enjoy making love in the physical sense, certainly, butithasanotherimportantmeaningforthemvalidationofmas(ulinityormanhood.Tofeel humiliatedinthesexualarenaistosufferthegreatestanguishthatmostmencanexperience,for oftentheirveryidentityhingesuponsexualperformance. Asaresultoftheseanxieties,mostmenharl>orafantasywishfora"steelphallus,"theli.ird and instant erectionboth symbolically and literally. There is a desire to be strong, tough, to springintoaction,tofeelpotent.Justassomemenareafraidtobesoftoutsideofbed,theyare evenmorefrightenedofbeingsoftinbed! If a man is nervous during a sexual encounter, adrenalinelike substances are released which affectthefunctioningofhisautonomicnervoussystem.This,inturn,constrictshisbloodvessels. Thisconstrictionpreventstheflowofbloodtothepenis,makingitdifficulttogetormaintainan erection.Inotherwords,hisanxietyabouthisperformanceisaselffulfillingprophecy. Thefearofsoftnessisthreateningtomenbecauseitevokesaprimitivesenseofhelplessness. Men feel they must be "hard" and stay "hard" to be successful. Not to do so is to experience failureandshame. Howdomenrelatetotheir'sexualpartnerwhenthesedistressingeventsoccur?Incontrastto thepowerfulandreassuringfantasyofthesteelphallus,atthesetimesmenexperienceunfocused fearsoftencharacterizedascastrationanxieties.Whenweusetheterm"castrationanxiety,"what wemeanisthemalefearofopeningupandentrustinghimselftoawoman.Tosexuallyletgowith

awomanistoyieldtoher.AsCarolGilliganhasnoted,menfearentrapmentandengulfment,a feelingofhelplessness.Ofcourse,themandoesn'tfearactualcastration,buthedoesfearlosing somethinghis strength. He is most exposed and vulnerable tto the woman when he fears or actually experiences lapses in potency, for they are intimately linked with his sense of strength andmasculinity. Mikeisasinglemaninhismidthirties.Heissuccessfulinhiswork,confidentandselfassured with women. Nevertheless, he has nagging fears about performance. "There's always that moment in bed, no matter how lusty I feel, when I wonder whether my turnedon feelings are going to flow into my penis. It's like a little nagging doubt in my head. Thank (iod, I don't pay attentiontoitveryoften." Often in therapy with couples we encounter .1 man who insists that he wants his partner to initiate sex more often, but when she does, trouble frequently ensues. Suddenly, he feels unprepared,takenoffguard.Hemaybetiredorpreoccupiedwithcareerconcerns.Hemaynot beabletoachieveanerection.Heoftenrealizesthatwhathewantedwasnotthathispartnerbe moreaggressive,butrathermoredirectandexpressiveofherdesireforhim.Whatevermensay, mostofthemstillliketocontrolthetimingandfrequencyoflovemaking. Insustainedrelationships,somemenfindiheydon'tknowhowtotellapartnertheyarenotin themoodforsex.Theydon'trealizeitisperfectlynormaltofeelthiswayattimes,formanyof themhavebeenprogrammedtothinkthemanshould"alwaysbeready."Onemaladaptivebutall toocommonwaymenhavelearnedtohandlethisfeelingistoprovokefightstoobscuretheirreal desiretoavoidsexualactivity. Linda found her sex life with Marc seemed to have lost its fire and was slowly dwindling to nothing. After several frustrating months, they sought counseling. Marc protested they weren't making love because they fought too much at night. After some exploration, we unearthed the factthatMarcwentoutofhiswaytoinjectcomplaintsintotheirtalkjustastheyweregoingto bed.StartingWorldWarIIImadelovemakingoutofthequestion.Overaperiodoftime,Marcwas helped to understand how nervous he was about their sexual relationship and how that apprehensionpromptedhimtolookforwaystoavoidsexand,indoingso,toreducehisanxiety aboutit. Because of their performance concerns, when men say they want a woman who is sexually aggressive,whattheyusuallymeanisthattheywantawomanwhowillbeexquisitelyresponsive andpassionatewhentheymakeknowntheirdesiretomakelove.Wearenotimplyingthatthisis thewayitshouldbeorthatwomenshouldn'tbeaggressivesexually.Rather,wearepointingout thatsomemenareintimidatedbywomenwhoaresexuallyaggressive,afactorwomenshouldbe awareofandthenmakewhateverdecisionstheyfeelcomfortablewith. Notonlyaremenanxiousabouttheirabilitytogeterections,buttheyarealsounnervedabout the female orgasm. It wasn't all that long ago that the female orgasm was a mystery, poorly understood by either men or women. As the facts of the female orgasm were revealed, men foundtheyhadanewfascinationand,unfortunately,anewworry. Whereas in the past men didn't feel guilty when a woman failed to reach orgasm, now they realize that any woman can climax, provided she and her lover have the requisite patience, interest,andskills.Womennowexpectmoretimeandsensitivityfromtheirlovers,andrightfully so. Unfortunately, however, many men see the sensitivity and patience required of them in loreplay as work. And if a man feels it is an effort, the woman senses it. Then he notices her noticing his discomfort and they both be eome uncomfortable. Eventually, each becomes exhausted.Thetwoperformanceanxieties,hers.uidhis,feedeachother. Philhadexpressedhisfearsthisway:"I'm seeingawomanwhomIreallycarealotabout.Thesexwasgreatatfirst.Butnowitischanging. Usually,Icomefirst,andthenItrytosatisfyher.Iwantto.I'mreallyintoit.Butjafterawhile,I gettiredandlessexcited.Then|shestartstofeelguiltyandtriestoohardher*self,andthen shefinallygetsturnedoff." Inordertoremovesomeofthepressuretoperform,manymentrytohavethewomanreach orgasm first. But in the process, men often lose some of their own arousal. Any hint 1 of their

softeningtriggersconcern and may put a damper ontheexperience.When a man variesinthe degreeofhisarousal,itisusuallyreflectedinthequalityofhiserection.Thisiswhymanymenare uncomfortable with the normal waxing and waning of arousal during lovemaking. Only through acceptance of these natural rhythms of arousal can men learn to relax, be less hurried, and participate in satisfying lovemaking. Fortunately, men seem to be ^ learning this lesson. As one manexpressedit,"IalwayshadathoughtinthebackofmymindthatImightgetsoft,soI'drush love making. Now I take it all in stride; whatever happens is okay. I can relax, and if I lose my erection,IknowI'lleventuallyfinditagain!" To summarize, the need to perform sexually is at the core of some men's fear and defen sivenesstowardwomenwhoaresexuallyas sertive,andwomenneedtounderstandthistodealsensitivelyandsuccessfullywithmen.Many women have told us, for example, that when they have spent a wonderful evening and night togetherforthefirsttimewithaman,sometimeshenevercallsagain.Itmaybethathefeelshe can'tliveuptohisfirstpeakperformance.Theselfimposedpressureto"liveupto"somesexual standard causes many men to disappear, unfortunately leaving many women wondering what they did wrong. Or perhaps both the woman and the man were nervous, and the sex was not spectacular.Again,thewomanmaynothearfromtheman.Menhavegreaterdifficultythando womeninacceptingthatsexualdiscomfortisnormalinthebeginning.Suchamanisafraidthere willbearepeatofhisshynessandawkwardness. Ifwealljustlearnedtorelax,havefun,andenjoygivingpleasuretosomeoneaboutwhomwe care, there would be fewer problems. But too frequently, we fall prey to the notion that our selfworthisdependent,toasignificantdegree,onourskillsassexualpartners.

ThePassiveAggressiveResponse
omemen'ssolutiontofearsofstrengthandpowerinwomanistotakeapassiverole.Instead ofdealingwiththeiranxiety,suchmen totally succumb to the wish to be taken care of by "Mommy/' the powerful female who will nurturethem.Aswe'vepointedout,bothmenandwomenhavedesirestobe"takencareof,"but somemenchoosethispathexclusively.Theproblemisthatthefearisstillpresentinthesemen, exceptnowitishidden. Menwho,thoughnotoutwardlypassive,invariablygravitatetowardthestrongerwomanarein psychologicalterms"oral."Theyareinsatiableintheirneedtobenurturedandoftensupplement this need through alcohol or drugs. These men allow themselves to be taken care of by a "FlorenceNightingale"type,thewomanwhobecomesasavior.Unfortunately,thiswomangets taken in, feels he is only temporarily down on his luck, and fantasizes that he'll soon regain his strengththroughhercaringandcompassion. Bob is a sporadically employed salesman who is energetic when motivated, but soon loses interestinhisjobandeitherquitsorgetsfired.Thetruthis,heenjoysnotworking.There'smore timetoski,chasewomen,drink,dodrugs,andgenerally"partydown."MichellefellforBobright away,eventhoughhedidn'thidehisheavydrinkingfromher.Shesawhowpleasureorientedand basicallynonserioushe was about hislife, hiswork, and their relationship,but shebelievedhe hadpotential. Shewasdeterminedto"save"him.Eventually,BobmovedinwithMichelleandrevealedmoreof hisunderlyingneediness.Shebecameamotherorbigsistertohim.HerfriendswarnedherBob would never become the responsible husband she said she wanted, but Bob's problems all seemed temporary to Michelle. She insisted he would get back on his feet. Instead, Bob got worse, to the point where he was drinking heavily for days at a time and becoming more and more irritable and irrational. Michelle finally threw him out. It was only after she had suffered considerableabusethatMichellegaveupandfinallysawthatBob'sproblemsweremorethanshe couldeitherhandleorchange. Thepassivemaleisfrequentlyasensitivesoulwhohasagreatdealofrawabilityandpotential, butbecauseofhispassivityhefailstomakehismarkintheworld.Again,therearewomenwho will be inexorably drawn to this sensitivity. But rather than accepting his basic nature, many of

thesewomenwanttobe"good"mothersandhelphimrealizehispotentialbyencouraginghimto release his energy and power. This type of man often seems appreciative and usually allows himselftogoalongwiththeprogram. Unfortunately, some of these men are not merely passive, but passiveaggressive. What this meansisthatbeneaththeirpassivefacadetheyareangrilydiggingintheirheels.Theyreallydon't wanttobemoreassertive,andtheywillsabotageanyattemptstochangethem.Eventually,they willdrivethesewomencrazyjustthewaytheymayhavewantedtorebelagainsttheirmothers. Jimmy, 27, started his own accounting business right out of college. But somehow he just couldn'tseemtomakeagoofit.Helackedtheinitiativeandconfidencetogooutandgetnew clients.Whenhegotdepressedhewouldcomehomeearly,getintobed,andread.Hisgirlfriend, Cindy, had her own financial consulting business. By contrast, she was very enterprising and successful.Uponherurging,theyenteredcouplestherapy,inwhichatonepointshedeclaredthat shejustwantedtohelphim"learntobemoreaggressiveanddrumupbusiness."Hesatsmiling andnoddingasthoughhehadthesamegoal,butheclearlydidn't.ThroughoutJim'slifehehad been with powerful women who tried to help him. While outwardly compliant, he was secretly enragedthattheycouldn'taccepthimashewas.Cindyfinallyrealizedthatshewasn'taccepting hisbasicpassivityandifshetrulywantedhim,shehadtochangeherexpectations.Sheeventually admittedtoherselfthatsheactuallywasmorecomfortableandsecurebeingthestrongeronein therelationship. Notallrelationshipcrisesareresolvedsoneatly,especiallywhentheyinvolvethepassivemale withthemoreassertivewoman.Mostpassivemencometoacceptthemselves.Butthewomen theymarryoftenhavefoolishandnaivebeliefsabouttheessentialnatureoftheirmen.Forthese women, the task is to realize they chose such a man not because of his potential strength, but becausetheyactuallymayfeelmoresecureinadominantrole.Actingasthehelpmatecanbea potentwayforawomantobothmaintainasenseofcontrolandvalidateherselfasaconcerned andinvolvedpartner. Sometimes, however, a seriously passive man can come to envy and resent a woman. Nan, a woman in her late forties, has been divorced for three years. Her exhusband was fascinating becauseofhis sensitiveandcreativenaturebutwasnotsuccessfulinanyworldlyway.It'sonly beenrecentlythatNanrealizedhowheresentedher successintheentertainmentindustryand covertly sniped and clawed at her each time she had a success. Even though he did nothing to focushisownenergytowardspecificachievement,heresentedNan'sabilitytodosoeventhough shewasgenerousinofferinghimhelp,suggestions,andencouragement.Shewassadaboutthis rather than angry, for she also realized that he was probably unaware of the deep fury he held inside. It's critical for strong women to be sure of their mate's genuine support and unthreatened appreciation. In healthy relationships, mates tend to take turns parenting each other when needed.Awomanmustguardagainstfallingintothetrapofbeingendlesslymaternalwithaman. Boysresenttheirmotherswhenthedependencygoesontoolong,andtheyleavethemandfind girlfriends!

TheFearOfAngryWomen
neoftheeffectsofthewomen'sliberationmovementwasangerandoutrageonthepartof women.Anygroupthathasbeenhelddowntendstoeruptwhentheshacklesarereleased. Andthatisexactlywhathappened. Rape was a central issue. Women were furious that this act of degradation and violation had been treated so lightly not only in the courts but also in the minds of men. Rape became a metaphor, a general symbol of the manner in which women had been taken advantage of and oppressedbymenforcenturies. Another vital issue was the way women were, and unfortunately continue to be, depreciated and exploited in the work force. Such factors as unequal pay and sexual discrimination in the

workplace were finally given serious consideration. The injustices were obvious and well documented,yetattemptstorightthesewrongsarestillslowincoming. The male response to these outrages was complex. Some men were blind and insensitive to issues of inequality and needed to be educated even to become aware of them. In their hearts andprivatethoughts,though,manymencametoseethatinjusticesandinequalitieshadexisted. They realized that the core tenets of feminism were welltaken and just. But men were also alarmedby the anger they saw erupting from women evenas they attempted tobecomemore sensitivetotheseissues. In our discussion here, we do mean anger, not assertion. Assertion is a decisive and clear pattern of affirmative behavior, while anger is an intense negative emotion. Unfortunately, as sertion and anger sometimes become confused. This confusion arises in part because assertive behaviorcanbefueledbyoldfeelingsofangerorresentment,makingitdifficultforbothmenand womentoclearlyseeassertivebehaviorasseparatefromanger. We'renotsuggestingthatwomenbepassiveorkeepjustifiedangerunderwraps.We'remerely describingtheimpactofangerandnotingthatsometimesthelinebetweenassertionandanger gets blurred, for example, in the workplace. Melinda is a marketing manager for a large manufacturing company. She's bright, ambitious, and assertive. When she was new on the job, her male associates joked among themselves that she was "outmachoing them." After some time, these men felt progressively more uncomfortable with her. Her reaction was to become even tougher, and as she did, they withdrew. The chip on her shoulder became a selffulfilling prophecy:Theharderandmorecompetitiveshebecame,themorealienatedthemenwere.What shefailedtorealizewasthattheywouldhavereactedinthesamemannerifshehadbeenaman. Inaninterview,JaneEvans,executivevicepresidentofGeneralMillsCorporation,oneofthe highestrankingfemaleexecutivesintheU.S.,outlinedthetaskforwomeninthecorporateworld. Shesuggestswomenneed"wit,warmth,andasenseofhumor"andthattheybe"toughminded, nothardhearted"inorderformentolearntobecomfortablewiththem.InChapterTwelve,we willexplorethewaysinwhichthisbalanceofstrengthandsoftnesscanberealized. The confusion between anger and assertion is most damaging to women when it happens in loverelationships.Justasmendo,somewomenfeelpowerfulwhentheyexpressanger.Butitcan bedetrimentaltoachievingintimacy.Angrywomenfrightenmen.It'sthatsimple.Becauseofthe deep,nurturingconnectionmencrave,angerisevenmorefrighteningcomingfromawomanthan fromanotherman.Itneverfeelsgoodtobeonthereceivingendofanger.Soalotofmenturntail andrunfromangrywomen. Rhonda, a 33yearold actress, is absolutely convinced that her cynical and bitter attitudes towardmenandrelationshipsarewelldisguised.Sheiswrong.Shepossessesarazorsharpand irreverentsenseofhumorandcarvesawayatmen'sfrailtieswiththeskillofasurgeon.Atfirst, menaresotakenwithherbeautyandwitthattheydon'trealizesheactuallymeansthehostile things she says; they are couched in such hilarious terms that most men fall on the floor with laughter. Curt,a39yearoldinternist,wascaptivatedbyRhonda,whosofreelysaidanddidwhatevershe wanted,seeminglyeffortlessly.Curtwasusedtowomeninhislifemakingtheaccommodationsto hisdemandingscheduleandlifestyle.NotsowithRhonda,whosepacewasevenbusierthanhis own.Curtmadetheadjustments,wenttoherscreenings,andspentlimewithherfriends.Hesaw heraccordingto heravailability,whichfrequentlychangedcapriciouslyeventhoughhehadgonetogreatlengths tomakesuresomeonewasoncallforhim.Timeswhentheywerewitheachotherweretypically spentinthecompanyofherclosewomenfriends.OutofearshotofCurt,shejokedthatshewas now "working a doctor." Rhonda told Curt she didn't want to meet his friends because doctorsexcept for him, of coursewere too boring. And although Rhonda indicated that she likedandrespectedCurt,shealsowasquicktodisparagemeningeneralateveryopportunity. Oneevening,ataHollywooddinnerparty,everyoneincludingRhondawasinvolvedinaheated debateaboutanewdirector.Curthadlefttheroom,andwhenhereturned,hedidn'tknowwho theywerediscussing.Hepolitelyaskedwhothispersonwas.Rhondaturnedtohim."Honey,don't

youtrytokeepupwithusthisismovietalk."Curt,burningwithhumiliation,didn'tspeakforthe restoftheevening.HedroppedRhondaoffatherhouseandnevercalledheragain. "IguessIalwaysfeltoffguardwithher,"hesaidinsession."IguessIlikeditinthebeginning. She had this amazing way of throwing out hostile barbs cleverly and humorously, and she expectedmenottonoticeIwasbleeding. Shecertainlyneverexpectedmetopointouthowangryshewas." Itisimportantforbothwomenandmentorecognizethatweallcarryaroundpainfulemotions from the past. We've all been hurt, disappointed, and embittered by events in our lives. And anytime we encounter a new person or situation that even unconsciously reminds us of an old wound, we may react with guarded ness, anger, or bitterness. It's important to learn to discriminate between situations where that anger is appropriate and those where it really isn't deserved. If a man warrants a woman's anger, she should let him have it. We don't mean to suggest that she should ever stifle or suppress justified rage. But if he is merely a convenient target for old, unrelated resentments, such feelings are better contained. Their expression may hurtandalienatethemanforever.

CHAPTERFIVE

HowExcitingMenCanMakeWomenMiserable

hatrat!EverytimeIstarttobelievehereallydoescareaboutme,hestandsmeupordoes somethingequallyrotten.Everythinghappenshisway,onhisterms.IknowIshouldtellhimto getlost,butIcan't.BeingwithhimmakesmefeelaliveJnawayI'veneverfeltbefore." Variations on these feelings usually come from women who are embarrassed even to admit them.Theyoftenhavedifficultyfiguringoutwhytheyeverallowedthemselvestogetinvolvedin thesepainfulrelationshipsinthefirstplace. They feelvictimized, and yettheyconsistently seek outmenwhomakethemunhappy. Nobodywantstobemiserable,right?Wrong!Miseryandanguishcanfeeldelicious,whilethe predictabilityofsteady,supportivelovecangettiresome. Somewomencravethatwhichultimatelymayproveselfdefeatingbutwhichatthetimefeels novel,dangerous,andcompelling.Romancecanbeexquisitelypainful.Ithasalwaysbeenlinked with the powerful feelings of longing and sadness. These emotions have origins as deep and as primitiveasachild'sfirstemotionalconnection.Experiencesofneed,love,fulfillment,andwishes inarelationshipallinvolveastateoftensionoruncertainty.Suchfeelingsortensionsarestrong and exciting, however frightening they may seem. They set our internal alarm systems jangling. Theysignifylife,arousal,andintensity! Womentodayareinastateoftransition.They'recaughtbetweenthesometimesillusorysafety oftraditionalrolesontheonehandandthechallengetorealizetheirpotentialoutsidethoseroles ontheother.Womenarereexaminingandredefiningtheirideasaboutthemselvesaswellastheir relationshipswithmen.Theyareexpectinganddemandinggreatersensitivityonthepartofmen andarelookingformenstrongandflexibleenoughtobecomfortablewiththechangestheyare tryingtomake. Sowhythefascinationwiththe"wrongmen"

andthelackofinterestinthe"nice"ones?Thegood,stableproviderwhoworksexcessivelyand haslittleunderstandingofthegrowingspectrumofawoman's needsandinterestsisnolonger satisfying.Neitheraremanywomenenamoredofthesensitive,poetictypeofman,becausehis frequentlackofdriveandaggressivenesserodestheirconfidenceinhispotentialforachievement, protection,andprovidingagoodincome. Today,womenarelookingformenwhoareararehybridofglamour,excitement,andpower combined with sensitivity, warmth, and pro tectiveness. They are looking for nothing short of perfection.Whatisunfortunateisthatsomewomenactuallybelievetheywillfindit.Castingaside genuinely nice men who fall short of such perfection, these women propel themselves instead towardthechallengeandthesweetpromiseofferedinthemysteriousrelationship.

WhoIstheNiceGuy? itmeant"nerd."Theymightsay,"Oh,youmeanthatjerkykindofguywhokeepstellingyouhow beautifulyouareandimmediatelywantstospendtwentyfourhoursadaywithyou?" Manywomenreacttotheterm"nice"asifortheymayrespondto"nice"asatraittodistrust.As onewomanputit,"Heseemedsoconsiderate,honest,andhonorable.SoIletdownmydefenses. IwaswarmerandmorereceptivethanI'dbeenwithaguyinalongtime.HestayedthenightandI feltwonderfullyfreeinlettinghimknowIcared.Inthemorninghesaidhewouldcallthatsame evening.Itneveroccurredtomehewouldn't,sincehe'dbeeninsuchhotpursuit.Buthedidn't. Afterseveraldays,Icalledhim,andhelaunchedintosomephonystoryinthathighvoicemenget whentheylie.Iguesshecouldbeniceandsolicitousuntilhecapturedme." It'sclearthattherearewidedifferencesinwomen'sreactionstowhat's"nice"inmen.Whatwe meanby"nice"encompasseshonesty,sensitivity,trust,strength,andthecapacitytolove.Allthat sounds great, right? So why then don't women naturally gravitate toward these men and value thoseattributes? Let'stakeacloserlookatwhatthesemenarelike.Therearebasicallytwotypesofnicemen, those who genuinely are nice and those who pretend to be. One has natural qualities of giving while the other is fearful and dons a mask of niceness to protect himself. Many women are confusedbythetwo. SometimesNiceIsWeak
enhavegonethroughmanychangesinrecentdecades.Duringthe1950s,itwasacceptable formentobeinsensitive,cutofffromtheirfeelingsandcomfortablyrobotlikeandmacho in their aspirations. While the Beat Generation was praising the virtues of experimentation and sexual adventure, most American men read Playboy instead. It was the era of the crewcut corporationmanwhoworebuttondownshirtsandchinos,watchedalotofSundayfootballon TV, and worried aboutcommunism.Andwhilemennodoubtfelt burdenedbythepressuresof being the breadwinner, they rarely considered the possibility of their wives' also having steady careers. The 1960s and early 1970s were a time when men let their hair down, both literally and figuratively.JoniMitchellwassinging"IAmGolden,"andeveryonewasreadingErichFromm'sThe Art of Loving. Tired of clanking around in their armor, men began to discover and embrace the moresuppressed,vulnerable,emotional,"feminine"aspectsoftheirpersonalities. In the late 1960s, many women were increasingly discontented with the constraints of rigid gender stereotypes. They were activelyexperimenting withsexual freedom and becoming more assertive. Such revolutionary changes led men to channel their fear and mistrust of this new woman into an identification with her. Thus their fears were masked by a superficial understandingofandempathytowardwomen. Thismasked"niceguy"istrulyawolfinsheep'sclothing.Heisoftenhardtodetectatfirst,as heisquiteskilledatmaintaininghisdisguise.Butifonelookscloselyhecaneasilybeidentifiedby threebasictraits.First,this"niceguy"neverreallygetsangryatleastnotatfirst.Second,heis

wonderfullysensitiveandunderstandingagain,foratime.Andthijrd,heishighlymotivatedto be supportive and helpful provided the woman expresses, early and often, her gratitude and appreciation,andalsospendsallherfreetimewithhim. But,infact,this"niceguy"lacksconfidenceinhimselfandistornbetweenhiscompellingneed for women and his secret fear of them. So compelling is his need for women that he identifies withtheirstrugglesinordertoconfirmhissensitivityandsecuretheirtrust.Watchout!Thissame "nice guy" can be counted on to subtly sabotage the woman as soon as he senses that she is becomingtoostrongorindependent. Jimisonesuch"niceguy."He'sbeenhurtinthepastbyanumberoffailedrelationships.Hehas hidden his scars well, however, and outwardly doesn't seem to bear any grudges. He's bright, sensitive, but a bit controlled, especially on the first date. He tends to express humanitarian concerns,seeminglydiscusseswomen'sissuesinapositiveway,andissomewhatputoffbyloud andaggressivepeople.Hislastgirlfriendwasanartistwhowastoo"flaky"forhim,orsohesays. He becomes silent during a fight and tends to pout. He says he's drawn toward strong women becausehelikestheir"spirit."Butthemore"alive"thewoman,themorelikelyishetowithdraw, ortobecomesubtlycriticalorsuppressiveofher.UltimatelyamanlikeJimgivesonlytoget. Obviously,this"niceguy"isbetteravoided.Ratherthanbeinggenuinelysupportive,thisman tends to drain a woman, and when her frustration mounts, he confuses her all the more by denyingthevalidityofherperceptionsabouthim.Asmartwomanfrequentlywilltestthiskindof manbypushinghimtothepointwhereanyothermanwouldgetangry.Ifhedoesn't,shesecretly knowshisunderstandingdemeanorisafakeamaskoverhisfear.Unfortunately,however,some womendistrusttheirownperceptionsandmayfeelguiltyorbadfor beingso"suspicious."Ingeneral,niceguyswhostirupmixedfeelingsaretrouble.Hisnicenessis probablyafacade.

WhenNiceLooksWeakbutIsn't

s noticed previously, while men have been taught to deny or at least attempt to ignore

dependency needs, women traditionally have been taught to accept them and to look for their expressionandsatisfactioninrelationships. Jenny,a33yearoldsixthgradeteacher,wantedtobreakoffarelationshipshe'dbeenhaving withFred,anotherteacheratherschool.AlthoughFredwasintelligent,sensitive,andconsistent inhisinterestinandcaringforher,Jennywastakenabackwhenheconfessedtofeelinginsecure abouttheirrelationship,fearfulthatshewouldtireofhimandrejecthim. Eventhoughitwasdifficultandembarrassingforhertoadmit,Jennyfeltvaguelyuncomfortable with Fred's vulnerability. She viewed it as a sign of weaknessjust as she saw her own vulnerabilityasweakness.Inhermind,a"strong"manshouldalwaysfeelselfassuredandbethe onetoconfidentlytakecharge. Fortunately,herfriendsurgedhertostaywiththerelationship,andasitdeepened,Jenny cametoseeFred'svulnerabilitynotasaweakness,butasanaturalbyproductofhissensitivity. Fred'swillingnesstoexpresshisfeelingsallowedJennytotrustandrespecthiminawayshehad neverexperiencedwithaman.AsJennydescribesit,"Ittookalittlegettingusedto,butIreallydo likehowopenFrediswithme.IknowIdon'tloseanyofmystrengthwhenItellhimhehurtmy feelingsorthatIneedsomereassurance,andI'vecometoenjoyhisbeingabletodothesame.In afunnyway,whenIcomparehimtoalotofothermen,heactuallyseemsstronger.Othermen havethesamefeelings,buttheyjustdon'thavethecouragetotalkaboutthem." A relationship is a delicate balance of initiative, decisionmaking, and sensitivity toward one's partner'sneeds.Inrecentyears,womenhavemovedtowardafullerandmoreactiveparticipation inallaspectsofrelationships.Andmen,atleastsomeofthem,havemadetheiradjustmentsto thesepositivechanges.Thedifficultyisthatsometimessensitivityanddecisivenesscrashheadon.

Women may expect to participate fully, but they also are frequently more respectful of the "takecharge"sortofman. Adam, a34yearoldmanagerofautilitiescompany,observed,"Itisn'talwayseasyformeto planthingsforadate.IliketodosomethingthatwillbeinterestingandIliketomakethedecision jointly. Butsooften shedeferstome. 'Wherewouldyouliketohavedinner?'WhatI'vegotten intodoingrecentlyisjustarbitrarilypickingsomerestaurantandsaying,Ifit'sconvenient,I'llpick you up at eightI've made reservations at the Palm.' I get the feeling that women are more comfortablewhenIhandleitthatway." Thisessentiallyuncontrollingmanhaslearnedtoavoidbeingseenasweakorwishywashyby women.Butsomethingislosthereforthewomenhisnaturalinclinationtoinviteparticipation andthericherexperienceitwouldprovidetotheirrelationship.

NiceIsNotRomantic
e'ssweetanddependable.IknowIcouldcountonhimforjustaboutanything.He'ssonice, but...there'snoexcitement."Awomanmayexperience amanasbeingkind,responsible, andcaringnotabadcombinationbutshemayultimatelyloseinterestifthereisnodynamic tension,noexcitementormystery. Romancemakesusfeeltransformed,excited,alive,attractive,vibrant.Eventhetermsusedto describe the feeling of falling in love are revealing: chemistry, electricity, sparks flying. Feelings likethesegiveusasenseofalivenessthatistotallydifferentfromourusualstateofmind.Ifwe merelyfeelsomeoneisnice,wedon'texperiencetheseecstaticstates. "Hewasgreat,supernice,andsaidhethoughtIwaswonderful.He'sthekindofguymaybeI could see myself married to someday when I want to settle downbut he sure isn't the type I wanttodate." We expect to feel intense and wonderful emotions when we begin a relationship. If those feelingsarenotthere,wedon'tevenfeelneutral.Intheabsenceofromance,weactuallyfeela letdown,anemptiness,asenseofdisappointment.Thereisasimplereasonforthis.Ourmateis, amongotherthings,areflectionofourworth,ameasureofourvalue,ourattractiveness.Ifaman appearsdullorpredictable,awomanmayfearthatshetoowillappeardull,uninteresting,or,God forbid,boring. The idealized romantic male stereotype is supposed to be fascinating, dynamic, and a bit mysterious.Totheextentamandoesn'tpossessthose qualities,awomanmayperceivehim as "less than," which can result in the woman also feeling "less than." Even though the man may have many other good qualities, if he is not seen as "romantically interesting," the woman frequentlydepreciateshimandsotoothevalueofanyrelationshipshehaswithhim. Toooftenwedon'tvaluethatwhichwehave.Wetendtovalueoridealizethatwhichwelong for.

LoveandLonging
Toanne, 39, is a hair stylist and makeup artist I at an exclusive women's salon. In her early Twenties, shehadroles in a numberoffilms, and shestillactsinanoccasionalcommercial or stageplay.Joannehasobsessions,notrelationships.Unrequitedloveisherpassion.Lastyear,her obsession was the TV reporter husband of one of her customers. She had a brief affair with Warren, which heended, saying shewas "fartoointense" for him. Undaunted,Joanne pursued himwithnotes,phonecalls,andextravagantpresents.Shefinallyforcedaconfrontationbetween Warren,hiswife,andherself.Thewife'shurtandangeratbothWarrenandJoannegotthroughto her. Joanne realized that her obsessions were hurting not only herself, but others as well. Suddenly,her"passions"seemedlikeidiocy,andshesoughthelp. Joanne has come to understand that unrequited love is a device she uses to avoid forming a close relationship with a caring man. Over the past few months, she has been seeing one man

regularly.Shehasresistedtheimpulsetorunawayfromhimanumberoftimesandseemstobe gettingbeyondthefamiliarbreakingpointatwhichshewouldruntothenextnewaffair. Love and longing may seem the same, but they're not. One is nourishment; the other is a hunger.Tolovesomeoneinahealthywayisreplenishing,partlybecausetheactofgivinglove,in itself, makes us feel good. We like ourselves when we're giving and unselfish. It is, of course, doublyrewardingwhenourloveisacceptedandacknowledgedmostrewardingofallwhenitis reciprocated. Longingissomethingelse.Longingisahungerforthatwhichwewouldlikebutdonothave.Itis a plea to be loved in return, or at least to be recognized. It is the tension created by the elusivenessorunavailabilityofthepersonforwhomwelong. Love and longing are confused and mistakenly linked. Longing or unrequited love is an extremelypowerfulfeeling.Asnotedearlier,suchlongingsarefrequentlyexperiencedatanearly age. Girls not blessed with affectionate fathers may develop intense feelings of longing for the father'scontactandlove.Asthesegirlsbecomemoreverbalandcanlabeltheirexperiencesand feelings, they come to believe that "longings" and "love" are one. In essence, an identity is established between" wan ting" and the concept of love. Obviously, this unfortunate confusion canleadtoproblemsinadultrelationships.Womenwhoconfuselongingwithlovefinditdifficult to feel "in love" if their feelings toward a man are reciprocated. They associate love not with "having"butwith"wanting."Asonewomanexplainsherfeelings,"Iwascrazyabouthimaslong asIwasuncertainabouthisfeelingstowardme.Butassoonashecommittedhimselftome,Ilost interest."Frequently,expressionsofreturnedlovefromaman,ratherthanbeingacceptedwith joy, are experienced as disappointing. They diminish the feeling of longing which is associated withlove. Intherapy,womenofthisdescriptioncanbeextremelyarticulateindefiningloveanddescrib ing what they are looking forinarelationship. Butthey unfortunatelyremainunaware that the real hook for them is "wanting" rather than "having." Unless they recognize and change this pattern,theycontinuetoplayoutthisnowingame. Solutionsadoptedbysuchwomenusuallytakeoneoftwoforms.Somewomenmovefromman toman,rejectingeachoneassoonasheissureofhislove.Suchawomanwillalways finda"good"reasontogetoutasthemanmovescloseranddemonstratesheisbecomingmore committed.Otherwomenmayresolvesuchinternalconflictsbycontinuallyseekingoutmenwho areunavailable.Becausetheirloveforsuchmenisnotreciprocated,thesewomencanremainin thatexquisitelymiserablestateoflonging. Nice men are not elusive, unknown, or mysterious. They're right there. They are predictable. Theycallwhenthey saythey will.Andyetthesemenareoftenpassedover becausetheydon't stimulate that sense of longing so often linked with the feeling of being in love. Unfortunately, manymenandwomenseemaddictedtothestateoflongingandareunabletoembracegenuine love.

WhySomeMenSeemExciting
et'sstateonethingattheoutset:Somemenaremoreexciting,dynamic,andinterestingthan others.What arethequalitiesthatleadtothesedescriptions?Physicalappearanceisusually not a determining factor. Of course, we all have physical preferences and standards of attractiveness,butformostwomen,they'renotautomaticallylinkedtothenotionofexcitement or fascination. Often the converse seems true. The intriguing man may be characterized as offbeat,masculine,rugged,mysterious.Soweknowthatlooksarenotgermanetothisparticular issue. Whatdowomenfindexciting,then?Someonewhoisbright,successful,anddaring,someone who possesses style, charisma, and mystery. Often a man is seen as interesting by virtue of his celebrity,fame,orpower.Strippedofhisfame,WoodyAllenwouldcertainlynotberegardedasa knockoutbymostwomen.Buttherearemenwhodopossessthesecharacteristics.Certainlymost

womenwouldregardPaulNewmanasanexcitingorfascinatingman,evenifhewerestrippedof hismoviecredits. But the criticalingredient forexcitement is notgood looks, butmystery, coupled with one or morepositivetraits.Thecombinationofmysterywithacompellingpositivetraitcreatesasense ofintrigueandcuriosity.Thetensionbetweenthesetwoforcesbecomesamagnetformenand womenand particularly for women, who tend to be more daring than men with the opposite sex. Because we are all products of our training and background, some important differences betweenmenandwomenbearonthispoint.Asnotedearlier,womeningeneralseekoutstates of tension, challenge, and excitement in relationships because as girls they were geared to see relationshipsasaprimarygoalinlife.Boys,ontheotherhand,weretaughttolookforexcitement intheirjobsandinathleticcompetitionsandsotendtoviewrelationshipsaslessprimary.Most men don't look to relationships for excitement and thrills. In fact, they tend to be much more cautious and apprehensive about intrigue and mystery in the opposite sex. Women are more pronetorushintodangerousemotionalsituationswhilementendtoavoidpossiblerejectionand danger. Somequalitiesinmenthatwomenfindinterestingdon'thaveveryinterestingunderpinnings. Menareselfprotectiveintheircontactwithwomenandhaveaneedtodisguisetheirfearsand anxiety.Theymaymasktheirselfprotectivenessinattractive,evenstylish,ways.Becauseoftheir earlyprogramming,menneedtoappearunruffledandblase,eventhoughtheymayfeelexcited,' uncertain,orinsecureaboutawoman. Anothercomponentofthisdisguiseisaloofnessandaneedtoappearunpredictable.Again,all ofthesetraitsaredirectlyrelatedtodiscomfortandanxietyonthepartofthemanbutareoften interpretedbythewomanasintriguing.Sowhatis,infact,alimitationinthemancanbeseenby womenasanasset.Whyarewomensoeasilydeceived? Gapsinspecificinformationaboutmencreatevacuumsintowhichwomen'sfantasiesflow.The masked or mysterious man naturally makes sure to leave plenty of gaps, because he isn't quite sure just what a woman would do, think, or feel if he revealed himself to her honestly. Many womenknowwhatthisgameisallabout.Eventhoughtheymaycomplainthattheywanttoget close,toknowhimbetter,theyinfactsubtlycommunicatethataloofnessisintriguing. There is no doubt that exciting men are interesting. The problem is that the qualities that translate as exciting in a man are formed more from his fears than from positive, nurturing attributes that hold up over time. Many women relate excitement more to withheld than to openlycommunicatedinformation.Theexcitingmanactuallypromiseslessthanmeetstheeye.

BadBoysCanBeF u n . . . atLeastforaWhile
hyisitthatgirlsareoftendrawnto"rascals"orthebadguysinschool?Themostengaging adolescentcharactersareoftenlikeMarlonBrandoorJamesDeanoutsiders,loners,theangry ones.They'retypicallyseen [Jos] asnotreallybad,butindependent,rebellious,misunderstood.Inhighschooltheseboyswerethe moredominantandpopularkids.Theyhadthemystique,andtheyknewit.Whilenotpopularin the conventional sense, they were held in awe by others, including the conventionally popular boys.Theyweretheonesmotherstoldtheirdaughterstoavoid.Theydid"bad"things.Theywere daringnonconformists.To"nice"girlswhoweretoldtobehaveinespeciallyproperways,these boys took on added excitement and mystery. Girls felt these boys knew about risktaking. They wereintouchwiththedarkersideoflife.Beingwiththemmadegirlsfeel,evenifonlyvicariously, freerandmorealive.ThemovieBonnieandClydereflectsthisurge,thewoman'sdesiretorebel, tohookupwiththebadguyandactoutherforbiddenwishes.Infact,therearethrillstobehad withthiskindofboy.Evenhisadultversioncanbefun,buttypicallytheexcitementisshortlived.

Muchofthebadboy'sappealissuperficial.Althoughtheycouldtakechances,thesewereboys who had difficulty expressing tender feelings or acknowledging fears. But they were very apt at disguisingfearswithaprotectivemask,asistypicalofadolescentboys. Mostbadboyseventuallygrowup,butsomeofthembecome"rats."

WhoIstheRat?

et'sfaceit.Alltoooften,wefindtherattobeacharmingcharacter.Throughouthistory,the

"rake" or the "rogue" has been romanticized, and even today both men and women ascribe specialpowersandtalentstohim. Furthermore, there still is a double standard that exists because of our sexist upbringing. Women who have a "bad reputation" are not seen as desirable, whereas a man with a "bad reputation" is often an object of intrigue and fascination. Many women are thus drawn to this type of man, despite the inherent dangers, because the rat is such a conquest, a real badge of victoryforthewoman. Theforemosttalentpossessedbytheratishishighlydevelopedunderstandingofwomen.He has studied the nature of his subject so thoroughly that he knows them wellat least those aspectsthatarerelevanttohim.He'snoclod.Infact,hemaybemoreintuitiveandsensitivethan most other men. Unfortunately, though, his basic needs mean more to him than any sense of ethicstowardwomen. When he was a young boy, he may have had a seductive but emotionally distant mother. This mother stimulated ayearningin him for closenessto her, coupled with fear of her because she neverreallyprovidedtheloveheneeded.Becausehehadtostudyhertoknowhowandwhento get the comfort and affection he needed, he developed a heightened percep tiveness and sensitivitytowomen.Unfortunately,ratsknowmoreaboutwomenthanmostniceguysdo. The rat knows how to please a woman, to make her feel special and beautiful. For example, whenheistalkingtoawomaninarestaurantorataparty,hegivesallofhisattentiontoher.He canmakeherfeelfascinating.Heknowshowtostimulateandflatter.He'llmakeherfeelthatshe has a quick, intelligent sense of humor, that her thoughts are delightful, original, and engaging. Like most good salesmen, he is a wonderful listener. Remember, he must succeed. This is a highstakesgamehe'splayingandheisgoingtowinregardless. Bob,a34yearoldphotographer,fitsthemold."Iknowjustwhattheywanttohear.Iknowthat everywomanwantstofeelspecialandthatshe'sdyingtofeelsexy,andthatthere'ssomepartof herthat'sbeautiful.Icanmakeherfeellikeshe'sthemostdesirablewomanI'veevermet.Idon't reallyfeelI'mconninganyone,becauseIbelievewhatI'msaying.IactuallydofeelthatI'mfalling inlove.Atthatmoment,Ireallydofeelwarmthandcaring." ThetruthisthatBobisfallingnotforawoman,butfortheecstasyofthemoment.Thewoman andherreactionsaremerelyamirrorforhimself.Themoresheresponds,themorehisworthand attractivenessarevalidated.Oncehehasdrainedawoman,usedupthenoveltyofherresponse to him, he must move on. During lovemaking he may say, "I love you," and mean it for that moment.Buthedoesn'tcareaboutthelongtermconsequencesofhisactionsonhispartner.She isslowlybutsurelybeingtakeninbyhisritualisticconquest.Andshethinkssheiswinning,that shehascapturedherprize. Whatkindofwomanfallsforthis?Sheisawomanwhohasallowedheremotionalhungerto cloud her perceptions. And he knows it! He plays into her secret wish for the perfect man. He becomesthatman,andthenhepromises,dangles,andsuggeststhathewillloveher.Hereisthe magiccombination:theperfectmanpromisinghisperfect,romantic,intenselove.Butherneedto believecreatesafatalflaw.Sheignoresthefactthatheneverdelivers. It'sabitofaparadoxthatthewomanwhoishighlyselectiveandcautiousisoftentheonewho gets involved with the rat. Because of her longstanding wariness, she has pentup needs for

closenessandaffection.Thepowerfulchemistrywiththistypeofmancanbeoverwhelming.She is extremely vulnerable to his seduction. He knows she's cautious and plays to this quality. For example,thisisnotamanwhoselfishlyandclumsilytriestoendtheeveninginbed.He'spatient, andcanwait.Onthesurface,he'scharming,engaging,andsensitivejustthemantostimulate thatconditionwecall"chemistry."Hedoesn'treallywanttohurtanyone.Buthedoes,becausehe never delivers the longterm goods. He usually fades out, and that's when the pain begins. But whiletherelationshipisgoingon,it'sdelightfulandfresh. Evenhistendencytofadeoutactsasanenticement.Heknowswomenarewaryofneedymen, thattheydon'twanttobewithamama'sboy.Therefore,he'scleverenoughtofadeinandout with a rhythm designed to make himself appear strong and selfsufficient and to ensure the maximumenticingtension. Bobisveryawareofthis."Afterawonderfulevening,I'llsendflowersorleaveamessage,butI won't get together again for at least a week." Why? "That kind of pacing makes me appear as thoughIhavematterstoattendtoormaybeanotherwomaninmylife.I'mselfassuredenough towaitforournextencounterI'mnotdesperate." TheMagnetismoftheRat

owdowomengetinvolvedwiththerat?

Somewomenthriveonadangerouscombinationofneeds:longing,mystery,andadventure. These compelling emotional forces lead women to involvement in unhealthy and unful filling relationshipswithmenwhoareungivingbutnotuninteresting.Therearethreebasictypesofrats thatsomewomenfindirresistible:theDonJuan,theElusiveLover,andtheMarriedRat. THE DON JUAN Melinda, a 30yearold art gallery curator, has yet to recover from her threeweek romance with an artist as famous for his reputation as a ladies' man as for his sculpturesnudes,ofcourse."Iknewhisreputationandshouldhaverealizeditwasjustafling," shesays.YetMelinda,averysophisticatedwoman,succumbedtothisman'switandcharmand was devastated when he stopped calling. "I wanted to be the one he would stay with, the one whowasdifferent.Itwasgreat,beingwithhim.Ireallymisshim." Julie,35,isafabricdesignerwhoownsanexpensivehomeinaSouthernCaliforniabeachtown. For the past two years, she has had an onagain, offagain relationship with Grant. He's a handsome investor, 42, who inherited a substantial amount of money and has held on to very littleofit.Hehasbeenmarriedfourtimes,eachtimemorebriefly.Hebarreledthroughthemost recentmarriageanddivorcetoa22yearoldmodelsinceJuliehasknownhim.Inadditionto hiswives,hehashadmanyaffairsandtypicallyisseeingthreeorfourwomenatatime. Julie finds him stimulating, complex, and sweetly vulnerable, but frightened of any real commitmentattributessimilartothosepossessedbyherfather.Juliehasbeenintherapylong enough to recognize this connection, yet she cannot bring herself to stop seeing Grant. His elusivenessandthehighdramaofhisverytangledlovelifekeepherhookedtohimandboredby menwhoarehonestlyavailable. The Don Juan craves the company and approval of women. Their recognition boosts his selfesteem.Unliketheaverageladies'man,heisdriventogethis"fix"asoftenaspossible.Since, as in all addictions, the thrill of the capture wears off quickly, he is invariably disappointed and boredandmustgooffinsearchofhisnextconquest. Sowhatisthemagicthesemenpossess,thepullthatattractssomanywomen?First,theDon Juanisseenas"theprize."Hisimageisdazzlinglyattractive.Heisthepersonificationofpower, charm,andtendernessa"realcatch."Allwomenhavefantasiesabouttheidealmate,andwith his bag of tricks, the Don Juan builds an image as convincing, compelling, and illusory as a shimmeringdesertmirage.Heappearstobeeverythingawomanwantsandneedshimtobe. Still another facet of this man's fascination is his ability to make a woman feel valued and cherished.Hebringsasenseofuniquenessandmagictotherelationshipandoftenvalidateswhat thewomanhasalwayswantedtobelieveaboutherself,whatshehadhopedsuchamanwould

recognize someday. She needs to trust what he is saying, doing, and promising. She needs to believeheisforreal. TheDonJuan'sattractioninamoregeneralwaystemsfromwomen'smisguidedwishestofind andbelieveintheattributeshepromises.Suchwishesbecomesostronglyattachedtothesemen that women will frequently disregard indicationsthatthe Don Juanisnot only lessthan perfect but actuallyhurtfultothem. So, afraidto give up the wish for perfectionand facethe resulting disillusionment,somewomenclingtotheirpursuit,secretlyknowingtheyareleadingwiththeir blindsideforward. THEELUSIVELOVERTheElusiveLoverislessexoticbutperhapsmorelethalthanthe DonJuan.Beth,31,achargenursein alargehospital,hashadasporadic affair withoneofthe staffdoctorsforaboutoneyear.Hiseaseindealingwithpatientsandtherespectshefeltforhis commitment to healing first caught her attention. She began seeing him and soon felt that this wastherelationshipshehadalwayswanted.Bethadjustedherscheduletomeethisandwould stayupnightswaitingforhimtodropbytomakelove.Shediscoveredquitebyaccidentthathe wasseeingseveralotherwomen.Whensheangrilyconfrontedhim,hereplied,"That'sjustwhoI am.Ifyoucan'thandleit,thendon'tseeme."Shedecidedtohandleitorrather,toputupwith it. Beth probably wouldn't admit it, but she secretly feels her lover really does care for her and thatifshewaitslongenoughandtrieshardenoughhewillcomearound.Andhecertainlydoes his share of encouraging those wishes, by maintaining just the right balance between being tantalizinglycloseandyetdisturbinglyincapableofcapture. ThisratisnotnearlyasslickastheDonJuanbutinmanywaysheismoreinsidiousandhasmore stayingpower.TheDonJuanislikeabrilliantandcolorfulflare,quicktoigniteandgivepromise withitslightandjustasquicklygone.TheElusiveLover,bycontrast,hastheabilitytocreateand somehowmaintainalevelofpromiseandhope.Butheneverreallycomesthrough. Ginger, who at29manages a sporting goods store, metCraig,a research biologist,two years agowhentheybothcompetedinatriathlon.Shewasdrawntohimimmediately.Heimpressed herasbeingstrong,unconventional,complex.Craigtoldherhehadbeen"woundeddeeply"ina previous relationship, a fact which she now uses to explain to herself his difficulties with commitmentandintimacy. Heisneverwhereheissupposedtobeatanygiventimeandoccasionallydisappearsfordays at a timehe won't call and he doesn't answer the phone at his house. Ginger excuses his insensitivities about time and place as "artistic temperament." She loves the way they are sexually,andfeelshishungershowsthathewilleventuallygivehermorethanhisbody. Althoughneverfaithfulhimself,CraigrantsandravesatthemeresuggestionthatGingermight be seeing someone else. Petulant and stormy, he demands his freedom but always holds out a vaguepromisefortheirfuture. Ginger believes that if anyone can make him happy, she can. With the kind of love and understandingonlyshecanprovide,shewillwin himoveratlast,regardless of whatittakes or howlong. Evenwithhisobviousflawsandselfishness, Craigpossessesakindofcharmthatcreatestheillusionhewillsomehowchangegivenenough time,understanding,andlove.Althoughhewouldneversayitdirectly,hemakesGingerfeel,with hiswordsandactions,thatallheneedsistherightpersoninhislife.She,ofcourse,believessheis thatrightpersonandwilldoggedlyhangonuntilsheprovesit. A woman's quest for drama and excitement frequently sends her in pursuit of men who are unavailable,eventhoughsherefusestobelieveit.TheElusiveLoverprovidesawonderfulpartner for this woman. The only thing he can truly be relied on for is to remain unde pendable and unavailable. Janet, an executive secretary, has had an exquisitely tortured relationship with Barry, a film executive, for three years. Their relationship is what you might call an afterhours thing. Barry typically "drops by" after he is through working (dining, drinking, hustling clients at the latest

movieindustrywateringhole).Theyhaveneverbeenoutonarealdate!Hetellsherthatgoing outistoosimilartohisworkandthatwhatheenjoysisjustrelaxingwithherathome. JanetandBarryhaveatumultuousrelationship.Shecomplainsabouthowlittlehegives."IfI'm reallyhonestwithmyselfIknowallhewantsistocomeoverandgetlaidwithno demandsandthengohome."Onsixdifferentoccasions,JanethastoldBarrynottocallorcome byanymore.Shehasevenchangedherphonenumberasmanytimes.Equallyoften,however,she callshimandstartsthewholeprocessover.Janetisfullyawareshewillcontinuetofeelrejected andlousyaboutherself.Why? JanetbelievesshecanultimatelycaptureBarryandthatheiscapableofactuallyengagingina relationship.Shehassodedicatedherselftothispursuitthatshecannotallowthetruthtoeven approachawareness.ThetruthisthatBarrymaybeaverycompetentfilmexecutive,andcertainly is alluring at a distance, but he is totally incapable of and uninterested in having a relationship withher. THEMARRIEDRATTheMarriedRatisanothervarietyofthesamespecies.Similartothemen describedabove,healsopossessesthecriticalelementforintrigueheisofflimits,taken.Paula, a34yearoldsystemsanalyst,hasbeenhavinganaffairwithRalph,herboss,loroverayear. "Ifeelsobadforhim.Hestaysinthisbadmarriageoutofguiltandresponsibilityforhiskids.His wifedoesn'tunderstandthekindofpressureshefeels.Andhesaystheyhaven'thadasexlifefor years.IknowI'dmakehimso muchhappier,andIdon'tunderstandwhyhewon'tleaveher.Ofcourse,I'mnotpushingitnot yet,anyway." PaulawillhangintherewithRalphforalongtime,convincedthatsheisthe"rightwoman"and willingtodojustaboutanythingtoproveit. The"rightwoman"notionisquitecommonandiscertainlyencouragedbythetypicalMarried Rat.Heisalwayssomehowmisunderstoodbythewomanathomeandluxuriatesinthesympathy, understanding,andattentionhegetsfromhis"otherwoman."Heisconvincingwhenhepromises toleavehiswife.Hemayevenbelievewhathe'ssaying,forpartofhimwouldliketobefreeof the responsibilities of marriage. He would love to be single again and off on a new adventure. Ho\yever,thesinglemostimportantcharacteristicoftheMarriedRatisthatwhilehefrequently promisesto,heseldomleaveshome. Again,thecompelling adhesiveinthistype of relationshipisthe"otherwoman's"difficultyin eitherunderstandingorrelinquishingherwishfortheperfectman.Sheignoresthisman'sobvious flawsanddeceits.Sheexplainsthemaway,orworse,pinsthemonhiswife.Herneednottobe disappointed,nottofindoutthatthismanhasnointention [ns] tofollowthrough,setsuprealdisappointment.Herfoolishblindspotprolongsherlosingcrusade.

ThePursuitoftheRat

only consider the popularity of soap operas, the explosion of romance novels, and the eyecatchingarticlesinmagazinessuchasCosmopolitantoseethatthereisahugemarketinthe thrillsanddangersofforbiddenlove. Therearemanywomenwhochoosetocourtthedangerswe'vebeendescribing.Andreaisone. Shesincerelybelievesthechaseisworththepossiblepainsanddisappointments."Ilikebeingon theprowlformenwhopromiserealintensityandhighdrama.Whynot?Iknowhowtoplaythe samegames,maybeevenbetter." She knows how to flirt, charm, and entice. Ilather than play the helpless coquette, she's the femmefatale.Sheknowshowtoletoutenoughlinetomakesurethehookissetproperly."You havetokeepthemwantingmore,notrunningfromyou.IneverleaveapartywithamanI'vejust

omewomenstillwanttocaptureoneoftheseelusivemen.Suchwomenmaynotbeneurotic, butsimplygamblers,risktakers.Weallhavewithinusthedesiretotemptthefates.Oneneed

met. And rather than giving a man my phone number, I'll take his. I like to keep the ball in my court." If a womaninsists upongoing afterone ofthese rats, shemust know her quarry even better thanheknowsher.TocontinuetoattracttheDonJuanshemustunderstandhisneedtowin.She mustneverfullysuccumbtohisstrategies.Partofhermustbeonguardatalltimes.Ifshecando this,hewillkeepcomingbackformore.Shemustlethimdothechasing.Butremember,itcanbe alousywaytolive,becausethewomancan'teverletonhowmuchshereallycaresfororneeds him. The phenomenon of pursuitis of primaryimportanceinthecontinued enticement of the rat. The Don Juan is involved in an endless search. Conquests never truly satisfy him; they only stimulatehisdesireforanewpartner.Thisratisperhapsthemostdifficulttocornerbecausethe womenheselectshungrilyfallforhisintensityandardentcharms.Andasquicklyastheywhisper, "Yes,y e s . . h e isgoneandonthetrailofyetanothereager,willingvictim. EvenwiththemoretenaciousElusiveLover,pursuitistheclue.Thewomanwhowantstoholdon tosuchamanmustlearnhowtomakehimascrazyashemakeshermaybeevencrazier.She must set aside her feelings of loving and wanting. She must learn to success Cully disguise her needs, wishes, and dreams. Never showing need, she must make herself appear somewhat distant,aloof,andunobtainable.Thiswilldriveanyselfrespectingratintoafrenziedbattleplan designedtobreakdownherdefensesandcaptureherheart. Thedifficultywiththisstrategyisnotthatitdoesn'twork,becauseitdoes,butthatitissotiring over any length of time. Nothing is quite so exhausting as living a lie, which is exactly what a relationship with this man must be. Remember, to hold on to this type of man, a woman can neverletonhowmuchhislackofcommitmenthurtsher,orhowmuchshereallycares. Still another problem in dealing with this rat is that the woman who does so must actively diminishheremotionalexpressionandassumeanelusiveposture.Shemustforgetabouthaving anequalgiveandtakerelationship.Shemustalwaysbeonherguardnottoletonhowstrongly shefeels.Norcanshefreelyexpressangerorindignationforwaysinwhichhehurts,betrays,and disappointsher,becausetheseexpressionsrevealcaringinthestingofhertears. TheMarriedRatissomewhatdifferentfromtheothersinthathedoescommithimselfthatis, untilthedemandsandultimatumsbegin.Tocaptivatethisrat,thewomancannotmakedemands thatcallforadecisiononhispart.Aslongassherefrainsfrominsisting,"Yourwifeorme!"the relationshipwillcontinue. Onethingisclearthisratisnotleavinghiswife,forwhateverreason.Toretainhisinterest,his lovermustnotmakehimfeeltootornortooguilty.Thisrat'slovermustappeartobecontent. She must understand that she comes second to his family. Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve,willbespentwithhisfamily.Evenbirthdaysarenoguaranteehiswifemayhaveotherplans forhimonthatnight. The Married Rat feels miserable at home and always tells his lover about it. It is extremely importantforhertotakeheedofhismisery.Thelovermustconcedewherethewifedemands, toleratewherethewifegetsangry,loveandunderstandincircumstanceswherethewifeinsists onreform.Thiscontrastwillunderscorethemiseryandresentmenthefeelstowardhiswifeand runuppointsonthesideofthelover. IftheMarriedRatdoesleave hiswife,thereis astrongpossibilitythatwhathedidtoherhe may also do to his lover. The lover may have been the "excuse" to leave the marriage, but his needforfreedommayincludeeventualfreedomfromhisloveraswell. Are they really worth a woman's time and love? These men are interesting, and they do stimulateintensefeelingsofalivenessandvibrancyinwomen.Theyreallyhavesomanygenuinely fascinating characteristics that it is too bad they fade so soon. Or maybe that is not so badmaybe the fade is part of the charm, challenge, and excitement. Such a man can be fun, mysterious,andmakesincerepromises,but,beneathallthegoldenshimmerisstillarat.

CHAPTERSIX

MenWhoMakeWomenWanttoScream

T S

here are several types of men who very predictably end up infuriating women. Some are charming in the beginning and then change. Others are attractive because of the qualities

womenhopetofindinthem.All,soonerorlater,makewomenwanttoscreaminfrustration.

TheClam
ome men radiate a tough mystique that grows out of a basically selfish, withholding, and guarded nature. This kind of man can be as dangerous as he is attractive and intriguing. A womancanbe drawn to whatshe sees as strength in thisman'sinsensitive toughnessandmay alsofeelpotentiallyreassuredbythat"strength."Wesay"potentially,"becausesheneverquite feelspartofsuchaman'sstrength,sincethemandoesn'treallyshareoreventrulyopenhimself to the woman. He makes the woman do the emotional work for the two of them. He sets the stageandshedancesaround,attemptingtoreadhismind.Sheknowsshewantsthesecurityof feelingclosetohisstrength.Buthedoesn'teverallowhertogettooclose.Shelovesit,shehates it.Sheknowssheisdrawnbytheverycharacteristicsheisboundanddeterminedtochange. Arlene, 28, is a warm, gregarious bank loan officer. When she met Tom she knew this rela tionshipwas"it"forher.Shedescribedhimas"abittooemotionallyguarded"forhertastes,but she thought all that would change once he realized he could trust her. She thought that she understood Tom's secretive tendencies, which she saw as reflecting his selfcontrol or perhaps shielding an old hurt. He wasn't the least sensitive to her needs, but she talked herself into believing it was only because she hadn't communicated them to him clearly enough, and so it mustbeherfault. Theymarriedeightmonthsaftertheymet.Arlenefeltsurethekindofcommitmenttheywere makingwouldopenthedoortoatlastfeelinglovedbyTom.Shewasabsolutelyconvincedthatif shelovedhimenough,withnoholdsbarred,hewouldopenhimselftoher.Withloveasthekey, shewouldopenhisheartandfinallyreapthetreasurethatsurelylaywithin.Itwascertainlyanice fantasybutitneverhappened.Tom'stough,controlledoutershellconcealedatough,controlled inner core. Tom claimed he loved Arlene, but she never felt it and he never showed the demonstrativeaffectionshewantedandneeded.Shedivorcedhimafteronepainfulyear. ArlenemadeamistakeinthechoiceofherrelationshipwithTom.Sheinterpretedhisguarded, withholding nature as mystique. What she found was that instead of standing guard over some hiddentreasure,heinfactwasdesperatelytryingtoprotecthisinsecurityfromexposure.When Arlenerealizedthis,Tom'sstrengthwastransformedinhereyestobrittlecrumblingdefenses.His wonderfulmystiqueturnedtofear. The Clam either fears his dependency needs or has managed to convince himself that he doesn't have any. He is veryattractivetomany women, who mistake thistrait for strengthand selfcontainment. But problems soon emerge as the woman begins to want more. We all experience love, at least in part, through feeling needed by our partner, "needed" emotionally. TheClamcan'tallowhimselftoneedanyoneenoughtoformanintimate,satisfyingbond.Todo

sowouldrequireconfrontinghisfearsofweaknessandvulnerability.Ancient,scarredoverhurts mayhavedestroyedhiscapacitytofeelthatdeeply. We all need, in a love relationship, to have our partners dependent upon usnot blood suckinglyso,butneedingusemotionallynevertheless.Andthismanwillneverallowhimselftobe dependent enough to be able to form a t lose, sharing relationship. He functions as a selfcontained system. No matter how warm a woman's love, it will never melt his protective shield.Itistootough,tooold. Anothernecessarybondingagentintheman/womanrelationshipistrust.Trustingandbeing trusted. The Clam is recognized by his secretive qualities. The secretive person is protecting somethinghefearsmaybelost,betrayed,takenaway.Womenneedtokeepinmindwhenthey meetasecretivemanthathisconcealmentisaresultofhispastandhasnothingtodowiththem. Trust develops through a process of give and take. It involves mutually disclosing deeper and more complex aspects of ourselves. The (1am cannot take a chance on important emotional exposure.Hewillnotriskthedangeroflookingintooldwoundsstoredawayinthelockedfileof forgotten,painfulmemories.Mostoften,hedoesn'tevenknowjustwhatitisheisprotectingor eventhatheis,infact,behavinginaselfprotectiveanddistrustfulfashion.TheClamcannottrust andhedoesnotopenup. Hedoesn'tknowhowtolove,fortheprocessofgivingandlovingmeansexposinghisneedsand vulnerabilities.Ifhehasn'tlearnedtolovebythetimeheisanadult,awomanwon'tbeableto teachhimnomatterhowpatientsheis.It'sfoolishtobelieveotherwise. Whatismisguidedinthepursuitofthismanisthefailuretocorrectlyidentifyhisrealstrengths andweaknesses.Ifyoufindyourselfwiththistype,youmaybelieveyoupossessthemagicpotion tochangehim,toreleaseinhimwhatyoubelievetobeacapacitytolove,butyoudon't.Infact, the more a woman loves and cares for this kind of man, the better the chances of driving him away. Intimacyis his enemyit scares thehell out of him.Ifhe doesn't run away first,you will becomesofrustratedwithhavingtodoalltheemotionalwork, provideallthe tenderness,that eventuallyyouwillendtherelationshipifyou'resmart.

ThePseudoLiberatedMale

t the outset of a relationship, the Pseudo Liberated Male can be disarmingly attrac live to

women.Heisthelivingembodimentoftheliberatedman,theperfectandnaturalcomplementto today'swoman.Heacceptsherthanges,evenencouragesthem.Heseemsgentleandsensitive, vulnerable,expressive,revealingarealdreamcometrue!Butit'sadreamthatfrequentlyturns intoanightmare. This type of man interpreted the women's movement as an invitation to become more ex pressiveemotionally.Hedistortsthisnew"freedom"asalicensetowhineandarationalizationto express endless fears and personal insecurities, often to the point of utter distraction. I he PseudoLiberated Male is certainly quite different from the withholding man described earlier. Manywomenseehimasawelcome<hangesomeonewhowillsharehimself,beopenwithhis feelings. That's great, but some of these men go overboard. Even when women begin to get a whiffofhisexcesses,theyfrequentlydon'ttrusttheirowninstinctstheydon'trun. Inaway,womenhavebeenencouragedandmadetofeelasiftheyshouldlikethisman.Afterall, if they expect to be able to explore new and unfamiliar "masculine" parts of themselves, and if theyexpectmento accept and love them forit,then they, inturn, should betolerant ofmen's becomingmoreexpressiveandvulnerable. When Marv and Marlena came in for couples therapy, Marv said they were not having any specificproblemslivingtogethertheywantedrathertomaketheirrelationshipasdynamicand positiveaspossible,andtheywerebothinterestedinthetherapyprocessasameansofpersonal growth.

Marv, 32, is a freelance carpenter and unpublished novelist. Marlena, 34, is an office administrator for an importexport company and the steady wage earner in their household. They're both active in antinuclear and liberal political causes, Marv more ,so than Marlena becausehedoesn'tworksteadilyandhasmoretime. Marv and Marlena are both bright, attractive, and personable. But what became clear in the veryfirstsession,asMarvtalkedonandon,withoccasionalglancesatMarlenaforapproval,was thatMarvisanarcissisticPseudoLiberatedMale.Hewasn'tinterestedinmakinghisrelationship withMarlenabetter.Whathewantedwasafresh,largeraudienceforhisseeminglyinexhaustible insightsabouthimself. MarlenarevealedthatMarvpreferredtalkingabouttheirrelationshipandhimselftojust.ibout anyotheractivity.Marlenaeventuallyconfessedthatshefeltexhaustedbytheconstanttalkand byhisincessantdemandsforattentionandanalysisof"wherewe'reatwitheachothernow." This man hides the fact that he is an emotional drain, that he's a taker. He is so happy mid relievedtohaveachancetolegitimizehisinsecurityandneedinessthathedoesn'trealizethathe is taking without giving. He sincerely believes that his emotional diarrhea is a Kift. He hides his fears and passivity beneath a deceptive costume of gentleness and sensitivity and hopes the womanwon'tseethroughhisdisguises. During the early stages of the relationship, this man performs dazzlingly. He is a master with wordshemayevenbepoetic.His verbaloutputissuchthatawomanthinksshe shouldfeel nourished.Instead,shefeelsdrained.Ilewrapshisneedforreassuranceinaprettypackage,one thatcanmakeawomanfeelprivileged,needed.Eventually,shemaybecome.iwarethatallhe everseemsinterestedintalkingaboutistherelationshiporhimself!Shewantstolikehim.She thinkssheshouldlikeliim.Afterall,heisexpressive,isn'the?"Intouch"withhisfeelings?Why doeshemakeherwanttoscream?Perhapsit'sbecauseshefinallyrealizesthathewouldrather talkaboutarelationshipthanhaveone. Thesemenaresensitive,andthatcanbearefreshingexperience.Theproblemisthatastime goesby,itbecomesincreasinglyapparentthattheirsensitivityisonesided,directedconsistently towardthemselves. Webelievewomendowanttoknowhowamanfeels,buttheydon'twanttohearaboutitall thetime.Arelationshipwithoneoftheseoverlyemotionaltypescaneventuallymakethemfeel crazy. Somewhere along the way, these women may sense they are drawing a curtain of insensitivityaboutthemselves,muchastheyhaveaccusedmenofdoinginthepast.Theywantto shout, "Will you just shut up and make love to me and stop this endless discussion about us?" "Wherewe'reat"withthismanisalltoofrequentlytalkingabouthisfeelingstowardyou,toward himself,andtowardtherelationship"talkingabout"ratherthanlettingitjusthappen. The Clam is too contained, while the overly sensitive PseudoLiberated Male is too uncon tained.Hewearshisinsecuritieslikemedalsonhischest. Tryingtofreethismanfromhisemotionalproblemcanmakeawomanfeelpowerful,butit'sa trap.They are betterleft alone.Youmight evenbe doing them a favor, forthenthey would be forced todealwiththeirinsecuritiesthemselves,from theinside out,ratherthan attemptingto foisttheresponsibilityonsomewomanwhowillindulgethem. Some men who make women want to scream ire fundamentally unredeemable. The smart womanpassesonthesemen,regardlessofhowinterestingorintriguingtheymayappearonthe surface.TheClamandthePseudoLiberatedMalearesuchmen.Thentherearetwoothertypes of men who are terribly frustrating to women, but who do have very redeemable features if a woman can tolerate the frustration and make her way through the obstacles they place in her way:thePerpetualAdolescentindtheWalkingWounded.

ThePerpetualAdolescent
r^hePerpetualAdolescentstoppeddevelopinginwhatislateadolescenceforamanaround themidtwenties.Thisman'sunspokenandunconsciouscredois"I'mgoingtobe25forever."This
f

stuntedgrowthisnotalwayseasytodetect.Itisreflectedinhisemotional<onstructionandinhis diminishedcapacitytoparticipatefullyinrelationshipsratherthanIntheexternalsurfacefeatures ofhislife. Outwardly,hehasmanydisarminglyattractivequalities.Hemaybeboyishinaconfident,brash way.Thismanoftenworkswiththepublicandisarticulate,withaneasy,charm|ingmanner.He makespeoplefeelcomfortable. Greg, a handsome, athletic yacht broker, lives in an expensive condominium overlooking a marina.Fromhissundeck,hecanseehissailboatbobbinginitsslipaswellasthepoolandtennis courtscrowdedwithtannedsinglemenandwomen.At36,Gregstillconsidershimselfyoungand needing to devote most of his time and energy to building his career. He feels no pressure to marry. In fact, he tells himself, as well as more than an occasional woman, that he needs more timebeforesettlingdowntimeforhiswork,timefortravel,timeto"havefun." Gregdescribeshislifestyleas"fun."Hejogsandworksoutdaily.Helooksyouthful,tannedand toned.Hedressesfashionably.Hetellshimselfthere'snohurry,plentyoftimetofindhis"ideal woman." Actually, these are excuses for Greg to live in a perpetual adolescence. He talks about re sponsibilityandcommitmentbutrunswhenawomanstartstodemandit.Hecanbeaffectionate toawomanandmeanit,butheisnotwillingtogrowupandrelatetoherasanadult.Whenhis relationships get to the stage where it is natural for them to move to a deeper level, Greg becomes frightened and pulls away. He typically dismisses the woman as "dependent, clingy, possessive,demanding,"ratherthanfacinghisownfearandreluctancetoenteradulthood.Heis blindtohisprofoundreluctancetomature,forhisyouthfulpostureservesasashieldanddefense againstintimacy. The Perpetual Adolescent's greatest fear is entrapment, for he doesn't fully trust his own autonomy."Tohavetogive"and"tobeabletoreceive"bothdetonatedeep,underlyingfearsof dependency in him. This man hides his fears of intimacy from himself by coming very close to committinginarelationship.Butheultimatelywardsoffthosefearsbyalwaysmakingsurethat "veryclose"isonlythat,notmarriage. The Perpetual Adolescent has rather shallow views and interactions with women. For that matter,hisfriendshipswithmenareequallyshallow.Heoftenperceiveshimselfasanadventurer. Butthegreatestadventureofallmarriageisaneventheisneverquiteyetreadyfor. Initially,hecanbecaptivating,forhehasfinetunedmanyaspectsofhisexternalpresence.He cantrotoutallthephrasesthatmakehimsoundwonderfulandmakeawomanfeelwonderful. Thetroubleis,he'sadealopener, not a deal closer. The Perpetual Adolescent is extremely frustrating to women, for as they naturallywanttodeepenwhatseemslikeanicelydevelopingrelationship,heslowlypullsaway.If he only did something truly rotten, she could free herself and be glad to be rid of him. But he doesn'tmaddeningly,hisonlyrealflawishisunwillingnesstogrowup. We have said that this man is redeemable, and he is. Given enough time and patience, most meneventuallydogrowup,marry,andhavefamilies.Forthistypeofman,thecriticalageseems tobeabout39.Hebeginstopanicwhenheisunabletodenybeingmiddleaged.Havinglearned to trust hisown independencemore solidly, he isless afraid of entrapment and connection. He hasbecomeacutelyawareofhisownmortality,andhedoesn'twanttobecomealonelyoldman. Whilewewouldn'trecommendtheyoungerversionofthisman,theoldermodelisn'tbadatall. Should you know someone like this and want to deepen the relationship, there are a couple of importantfactorstokeepinmind. Thisman,eventhoughhefearsit,iscapableofbecominghealthilydependentonawoman.The mistakemostwomenmakeisinnotunderstandingthathedoesneedawomanandcanmakea connection.Typically,thewomanpushestooquicklyandsucceedsonlyinpush t>36] inghimaway.Itisnotthattheimpulsetomoveforwardisinappropriateonthewoman'spart,for itisn't,butthetimingiscritical.Thismanismostlikelytoconnectdeeplytothewomanwhohas

patiencetolethimdevelopastrongneedforherfirst.Then,andonlythen,shouldshebeginto makeherhealthydemandsforcommitment.Bythen,heissoinvolvedthathewantstostay.

TheWalkingWounded
fteraseparationordivorce,bothmenandwomennaturallyfeelamixtureofhurt,bitterness, andrejection.Fortunatelyformostofus,thesewoundshealovertime,andthebestmedicine iseventuallytoloveagain. Men and women usually suffer equally, but there are wounds unique to men that merit understanding.TheWalkingWoundedmancandrivewomencrazyforatime, buthedoesheal anddefinitelyisredeemable.Infact,thesemenoftenmakefinematespreciselybecausetheyare committedtolongtermrelationships. Therearetwobasictypesofwounds.Themostpainfulis,ofcourse,thelossofone'smateand mostlikelythelossoffamily.Theotheristhelossoffinancialsecurityresultingfromthedivorce. Thelossofafamilystruc [>3'1 ture is devastating to most divorced men. Suddenly, he finds himself alone in an apartment or hotel room, feeling lost, disoriented, and forlorn. He envies his wife, who frequently continues livinginthe family home, in familiar and, at leastinhismind, secure surroundings. Forthe first time,somemenwillsadlyandpoignantlyrealizehowimportantitwastohear"Daddy"whenthey camehomefromwork. Contributing to this sense of isolation that divorced men experience is the constant ap prehensionthateveninhisgrief,hemustcontinueworkinghardtomakemoney.Thereisaline from a western song that goes, "I can't halve my half again." For many men, a divorce means money:thedestructionofthefinancialsecurityandcomfortablelifestylewhichtheyworkedso longandhardtocreate.Womensufferequallyfromthefinancialfalloutfromdivorce,butitisour purposeheretoacquaintyouwiththemalepointofview. Most men feel "ripped off after a divorce. Regardless of the validity of this attitude, they are nevertheless embittered by the helplessness they felt during the process of marital dissolution. This helplessness is often in combination with the sense of futility they have regarding child custody. In addition, they have increased financial anxieties related to the demand of separate livingexpenses.Intheiranxiousanddarkmoments,they'renotsuretheycanmakeit. Even though they may be freer to date than are their wives, they have a sense that it's all a dream.Theytendtodrinkandtoabusedrugs,whichcompoundstheirdepression. How do these men appear to the women who encounter them? If they are newly separated, theycanactuallyappearquiteattractive,becausetheyhaven'tyetassumedtheguardedmantle ofmenwhohavebeensingleforawhile.Theymaybevulnerabletoo,whichcanbeappealingto women,especiallythosewholiketonurturemen. The newly separated man is open, eager to talk and to reveal himself, though too often this evolvesintoatediousselfpitywhichwilleventuallydriveawomancrazy.Evenso,hiseagerness forcontactandrelationshipsisquiteappealingtomanywomen. The recently separated man tends to talk about his exwife and bitch about any number of injustices he feels. This facet of him can become so boring that women quickly feel the urge to run.Awordofadvice:Afterawhile,don'tbesuchagoodlistener.It'sbadforhimtowallowin selfpityanddefinitelynotromanticforanywoman. ThereisacommonproblemwiththeWalkingWoundedthatcanbreakawoman'sheart. Awomanmaybeage32to40andchildlessandfindherselfinvolvedwithadivorcedmanofthe sameage orolderwho alreadyhaschildren.Itisvitallyimportant forthatwoman,ifshe wants children of her own, to make this desire known to the man early in the relationship. Many divorced men are wellmeaning but frankly have no desire to start another family. Yet they will muttervaguely,"Well,ifit'sreallygoingwell,IguessImightwanttohaveanotherkid/'That'snot

goodenough.Awomanneedsaclearanswerorelseit'stimetomoveon.Toinvestpreciousyears inarelationshiponlytoendupwithamanwhohasverydifferentdreamsistragicindeed. Men who have been separated for a year or more are usually less appealing than the very vulnerable, freshly separated ones we've been exploring. But they often have another kind of attractiveness:They'reripef<?rthepicking.Thisistrueinspiteoftheirseeminglyhardenedouter shell.Thoughwaryandabitsuspiciousaboutbeinghurtagain,theywillbecomeinvolved.They canmakegoodmates,anddowishgenuineintimacy,buttheyarescared.Thesolutionissimple: Don't push for commitment in the beginning, even the first six months. Women who need reassurancesrightawaywillnotdowellwiththistypeofman.Hedoesneedextratime,butnot forever.After a periodofexclusiveinvolvement,itisappropriate forthe relationshipto deepen and become more involved. He will commit himself if the woman really means it. But in some casesitmaytakeanultimatum.Thewomanwhoactsasifshewillwaitforeverismakingareal mistake,becauseshewillbetakenforgranted. One final word on the Walking Wounded. There are women who advise friends and say to themselves,"Stayawayfromanymanwhohasjustcomeoutofarelationship.Theyjustwanta nursemaid.Assoonastheyhealalittle,they'llleaveyoutoplaythefield."Itistruethattheymay beoverlydependentatfirstorneedtodatearoundabit,butsomeofthebestmenarenotout there very long. Men who have been in a marriage, even a bad marriage, want to be in a relationshipagain.Thebestmenarenotsingleforlong,andshouldn'tbedismissedfoolishly.

CHAPTERSEVEN

ManySpecialWomen,FewGoodMen?

hesecond half of this book is about getting smart withmen. We wantto begin with a brief explorationofawidespreadconcernthatliasbeencharacterizedasthe"greatAmericanmale shortage."Wewillproposeanewwayofinterpretingthisdilemma,keepinginmindthathowyou define any problem has important implications for the ways in which you go about solving the problems. 4 'Whereareallthegoodmen?" "I know lots of single women who are really terrific, but I sure don't know many interesting, desirablesinglemen." 4 The unattached men I meet are either workaholics, sports nuts, hung up on their exwives, terminalneurotics,orotherwisesingleforgoodreason." "I refuse to settle for a man who doesn't! meet my standards, and it sure doesn't seem to I leavemanyguystochoosefrom." Wehearthesestatementseveryday.Weaskedourwomenclients,ourwives,andourwomen friends, "Do you think there are more J interesting and desirable single women or men?" Overwhelmingly,theyindicatedasurplusofdesirablewomen,adearthofdesirablemen. Statistically,therearemorewomenthanmen,andthediscrepancywidenswithincreasingage. Largeurbanareastendtohavemuchheavierconcentrationsofsinglewomenthanmen.Infact, conservative estimates suggest that there are about five single women for every four available meninmanymajormetropolitanregions.Women wholiveinlargecitiesareindeedfacedwith numbersthatarestackedagainstthem.Therearesignificantimbalances,whichhelpstoexplain thedespairmanywomenfeelaboutevermeetingtherightman. The issue, however, doesn't center on sheer numbers alone, but on the availability of "de sirable"men.Theproblemforwomenisnotonlytofindaman,buttofindonetheyperceiveas "special."Itisourbeliefthatthedifficultytodayisnotonlythattherearetoofewmen,butthat thereisashortageatthetop.By"top,"wemeantherelativelysmallpercentageofmenwhoare both materially successful and have attractive personalities, and are therefore universally desirable. Putanotherway,itseemsthat80percentofthesinglewomenareinterestedin20percentof theavailablemen.Thattherearemoresinglewomenthanmenisundeniable,butwhatweare seeingisarealshortageofmenwhomanagetosqueezethroughthenarrowingfiltersoftoday's smartwoman'sselectionprocess.Webelievethatgivenallthesefactors,smartwomenneedto becomemorerealisticintheirexpectationsiftheywanttoformcloselongtermrelationshipswith men.

MarryingUpandMarryingDown raditionally, women were taught that status might be gained through affiliation with an accomplishedman,andthisphenomenonplaysamajorroleintheperceivedshortageofmen. Today,smartwomenaredevelopingtheirownpotentialandachievingpowerandstatusintheir ownright.Nevertheless,manysinglewomen,regardlessoftheirlevelofachievement,continueto feelinternalandexternalpressuresto"marryup"tofindsomeonewhoisevenmorepowerful, moresuccessful.Menstillareseenasacatapulttoenhancedstatusaswellasfinancialsecurity.

Clintrecalled,"AfterIgotmarried,Iwantedtofixupmyterrificwomenfriendswithsomeof themen I know.Aftera while, I stopped doingthat becauseIrealizednone ofmy male friends were'goodenough'forthesewomen!Itcametomethatnoneofthemwantedmenwhowereon acareerparwiththem;themenhadtobe'better.'Forexample,Ihaveafriendwhoisamidlevel executive, and I wanted to introduce him to a woman lawyer friend of mine. They both make about the same money. She declined. When I asked why, she said vaguely that he might be threatenedbyhercareersuccess.Iknewhewouldn'tbethreatenedatall,butIrealizedshehad hersightssethigher.Herfriendsinsistshedeservesa'realwinner.'" Intalkingwithwomenandaskingthemtodefinetheiridealmate,wefindthattheyinvariably describeamantheyconsidersuperiortotheminatleastoneortwoareas.Mostwomenwanta manwhoseearningpowerisgreaterthantheirsbecausetheystillcountonthehusbandtobethe majorincomeproducer. Thisistrueevenifthewomanisanexecutivewithagoodjobandasubstantialincomeherself. Manywomenfirmlybelievethatmen"marrydown."Oneoldsawgoes,"Womenmarrypower, menmarrybeauty."Sometimesthisissaidtoindicatethatmengoforlooksorareattractedto women whose accomplishments are less, and therefore nonthreatening to the male ego. We believethisisaseriousmisconception. When we asked our male clients to describe their ideal mate, they listed a wide range of attributes. A sense of humor, warmth, intelligence, physical attractiveness, trust, honesty, and emotional stability were all ranked high. Certainly women also value and are responsive to the same qualitiesinmen. Butforsomewomenthey don'tseemenough.Theseattributesmustbe accompaniedbytheproofsofmaterialsuccesstoqualifyamanasmateworthy. In speaking with men, we didn't find one man who thought he had "married down." Most of thesemen had attainedhigherlevels of education and didmakemore moneythantheir wives, butallsawtheirwivesaspeersandequals. Somemen,unarguably,arethreatenedbyaccomplishmentinawoman.Butingeneraltheyare not.Amanwhoissuccessfulandaccomplishedinhisownrightdoesn'tneedhismate'ssuccessto enhance his ego or her income to feel secure. What attracts men are qualities that are independent of career success, whereas that same success is enormously important to many women in their selection ol a man. This has serious implications for women, especially accomplished women. A woman who has worked hard at an education and career is not necessarily valued higher by menin particular by the supersuccessful men she feels she "deserves."Despitethis,however,thereisanincreasingtrendamongsuccessfulmentovaluethe supportandrealsenseofpartnershipthataselfsufficientandcareerorientedwomanprovides. Manysuccessfulwomentodayarefrustratedbecausethecompetitionforthefewmenatthe topisintense.We'reoftenaskedbysmartwomen,"Whataremenlookingfor?Itseemstheyjust wantwomenwhodon'tthreatenthem."Wedon'tbelievethisistrue.Mendo,however,havea differentorderofpriorities.

WhyMarriedMenLookBetter
any times we hear women comment that the "good ones" are all taken. Or that married mensomehowalwaysseemmoreattractivethansinglemen.Thereisasimpleexplanation for this. Married or "attached" men are not that different from single menthey just behave differently. When a man feels secure in a relationship, he is able to act in a much looser, freer fashionwithotherwomen;conversely,menandwomenwhoaresingletendtobehaveintighter andmoreselfconsciouswayswitheachother.Thisiswhythesinglesbarsceneoftenseemsso shallowandunattractive.Singlemenandwomencomplainabouteachother,andyetwhenthe same individuals are met under more relaxed circumstances, they seem much more interesting anddesirable.The"goodones"arenotallmarried;it'sjustthatthesecurityandconfidencethat marriage provides allow them to act in a more natural and relaxed way than their single

counterparts.Letthosenervous,shysinglemenfindawomantoconnectwithandtheyblossom into"good"marriedmen,too.

SelfFulfillingProphecies
nthepastfewyearswehaveseenemerginganunfortunatenegativejudgmentofmenbysome women.Itsgeneraltoneisthatmenarein"badshape"today.Menarejudgedlessspecial,less desirable, less interesting than women. While we believe there is some substance to many of thesecriticisms,wealsobelieveprejudiceagainstmalesisselfdefeatingforwomen,justasmale chauvinismdiminishesmen. First of all, men do not believe they are as undeveloped, boring, and frozen as some women think.Evenifthisweretrue,toapproachthemwiththatbeliefsystemistokilltheopportunityfor anythingpositiveorfreshtohappen. Most men are satisfied with the way they are. Furthermore, they are not complaining about women,formanyofthemlikethechangesthathaveoccurred.Today,infact,aswomencomplain vigorouslyaboutthe"greatAmericanmaleshortage/'menfeelratherspecial,"indemand." Thepointhereisthatcriticismanddepreciationofmenleadnowhere,certainlynotwithmen. Mostofus,maleoxfemale,arewonderfulinsomerespectsandflawedinothers.However,many womentendtolookforthebestintheirfemalefriends,andtheyseetheworstinmen.Thereisa kindofdoublestandardoperating.Womencanoverlookflawsintheirfemalefriends,butthose sameimperfections,orevenlesserones,becomeglaringandintolerablewhenfoundinmen. Italldependsonyourpointofview.Foreverywomanwhoinsiststhatmenaretoonarrowin theirinterests,thereisamanwhoinsiststhatwomenhavenopassionfordiscussingoranalyzing worldaffairs.Somewomenmayfeelmen'sfocusneverwaversfromtheircareers,whilethereare menwhocannotfathomwomen'sinabilityto"really"understandthedramaandchesslikequality ofafootballgame.Thefactisthatifyoutrytounderstandtheoppositesex,ifyoulookforthe bestinsomeone,youwillbringoutthebest.Ifyouexpecttheworst,youwillprobablydiscoverit. Women who let go of negative, selffulfilling prophecies tend to have more interesting and fulfillingexperienceswithmen.Itisrefreshing for bothmenandwomenwhentheytalktoIhe opposite sex with the same interest and looseness they do with their friends. Labeling or categorizing people does not allow for the discovery of what might be fresh, delightful, or interesting about them. When we approach someone with a "prove yourself to me" attitude, we'reintrouble.Yet,inourexperience,singlepeoplealltoofrequentlydothatwithcachother. Asaresult,nothingdifferentornovelhappensandthereisalackofrichnessandvarietyinsocial relationships. It'simportanttorealizethatpeople"ontrial"menorwomendon'tdisplaytheirbestside. They become tense, dull, and unspontaneous. The way a woman relates to a man can actually changehisresponsetoher,sohebecomesmoreinterestinganddesirable. When cynicism and pessimism are suspended, what may now appear to be a disheartening "maleshortage"canlookmorelikeanabundance.

ReleasefromEndlessMourning

rlene,a36yearoldsetdesignerforTVvarietyshows,wasmiserableaftershebrokeupwith Hal, 25, an actor, ten weeks ago. Unable to sleep night after night, she lost fifteen pounds fromheralreadyslenderframe.Thisnormallyattractive,stable,andvivaciouswomanwasliterally piningawayforHal,whodroppedherwithoutwarningfora22yearoldrocksinger. Thoughts of Hal not only dominated her waking hours but also tormented her dreams jealousydreamsofconfrontingHalwithhisnewgirlfriend. WhatwascertainlyaspainfulasthelossofHal'slovewasthehumiliationshefeltatnot beingabletoridherselfofhismemory.Shawokewiththoughtsandfantasiesofwhathwasdoing atthatmoment.Shewenttosleepwiththesamepicturesracingthroughhermind The factthat Hal was aregular on a show atthe same studio made it even more difficult for Arlene.Shefoundherselfcompulsivelycheckinghisparkingspace,soshecouldknowwhetheror not he was on the studio lot. At first, she casually asked mutual friends about him and his new girlfriendasifshenolongercared.Morerecently,thequestionshadtakenonanakedlydesperate tone. It was very apparent to her friends that Arlene was not letting go. She wrote him letters whichshenevermailed.Shemademanylatenightphonecallstohisapartment,onlytohangup when"she"answered. The final humiliation came one night when she made one of her increasingly frequent drives past his building to see if his lights were on. The windows were dark' that evening, so Arlene parkedhercaronasidestreetwhereshecouldwatchtheentrancetohisbuilding.Shefellasleep andwasawakenedbyatappingonherwindow.Toherhorror,itwasHal.Arleneopenedhereyes toseehisamazedfaceand"her"notthreefeetaway,sittinginHal'sparkedcar.Arlenewatched, paralyzed,asHal,shakinghishead,turnedaway.Heopenedthe
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doorfortheyoungwomanandpointedlyputliisarmaroundherastheywalkedupthesidewalk. Glenda, a 30yearold interior designer, still cried herself to sleep more often than not eight monthsafterherboyfriendWardfumbledthroughhisfinalgoodbyes.Theirshadbeenaheady, fast,andvolatilerelationship.Theyseemedtosharesomanyinterests,particularlytheirloveof the outdoors. They had often gone camping and backpacking and had spent many a glorious sunsettogethersnugglinginfrontofacampfireintheforest.SheintroducedWardtothedesign worldshelovedsomuch.Hegotherinterestedinrunning.EventhoughGlendaneverthoughtshe would ever enjoy running, she quickly developed a strong sense of accomplishment as they silentlyglideddownthebeachtogetherduringtheireveningruns. Glendafeltcloseandcontent.Butwhatseemedlikenearperfectionstartedtocrumblewhen Wardinexplicablybegantopullaway.Herstrongneedtounderstandandtoholdhimonlyserved to speed his retreat. Before she could even begin dealing with the thought that she was losing Ward,shehadlosthim. Glendacouldn'tbelievethatshewasaloneandthathewasreallygoneforgood.Shefound [is?]

herself having long dialogues with him in her headsome warm and nostalgic, others hurl and angry, stillothers raw andpleading.Sosilentandprivatewasher grief,evenherclosest friends thoughtshewashandlingthesituationlikeachamp.Shewasn't. Restaurants, songs, theaters, even outfits she remembered wearing with him were nagging remindersofhisabsence.Whenshewasalone,whichwasalmostallthetimeshewasn'tatwork, Glenda's thoughts turned to selfrecrimination and ceaseless recapitulations of what she might havesaidordonedifferently,asilhittinguponthatperfectexplanationmightsomehowchange thingsmightmagicallybringhimback. Glendaexplainedinsession,"Iknowit'soverandthatheisn'tcomingback,butIjustkeepon thinkingabouthim.Iknowit'sridiculoustohope,butIdoanyway.Youwanttohearsomething veryembarrassing?TherearealotofnightswhenIsleepinanoldstretchedoutjoggingsuithe left.Iputthatstupidthingonandpretendhe'sholdingmeasIgotosleep." Jackie,a28yearoldsecretary,brokeupwithAllen,ajournalist,twoyearsago.Sincethattime, shehasdatedmanymen,butnonecompare,evencomecloseto,Allen.Jackiebelieved he was the one "just right" man for her. Sophisticated and from a family of high achievers, he seemedtopossessalltherightqualities.Shelovedhisfamilyandadoptedthemasherown.Jackie also greatly enjoyed Allen's many and interesting friends, who ranged from struggling artists to politicaltypes. JackiefeltasenseofcompletioninAllen'spresence.Shefeltmorewomanly,sexier,andmore whole than at any other time she could remember. In her most private and honest moments, however, Jackie had to admit that some of the sense of perfection in Allen was filled in by her hopeful,eagerwishes.Intruth,Allenwasfarfromperfect. Allen'sonepassionwashiswork.Ahotinvestigativepieceoramonthlongwarassignmentwas whatmadehimreallycomealive.Whenitcametorelationships,theytookadefinitebackseat. Jackie talked about her wishes to get married and have a family; Allen spoke with excitement aboutthepossibilityofabureauchiefassignmentinBeirut.WhenAllenwasofferedandaccepted thejoboverseas,Jackie'sbrighthopesturnedtodisappointmentanddespair. Allenwrotetwiceaweekforthefirstmonthorso,andJackieansweredeachletter.Bothwere carefultosoundcasual.Neitherwroteoffutureplanstogether.Thelettersbecame shorter,thenfewer,thentheystopped.Jackieforcedherselftoseeothermen,butshefeltnoone couldmatchAllenorignitethespecialfeelingsshehadhadwhenshewaswithhim. AndJackiewasright.Everymanshewentoutwith,shecomparedtoAllen.Everyonecameup short.JackiesoonrealizedshewaslookingtofindAlleninthem,and,ofcourse,hewasn'tthere. Her dogged search made it impossible for her to see any of the unique qualities her dates did have.Othermendidn'tfullyexistbecausetheywerenotAllen. Jackie,sadly,believesAllenisnotsimplyonemansheloved,butthe"only"manforwhomshe could have those wonderful, dizzy feelings of love. "I still have fantasies that he will come back andwe'llstartwhereweleftoff.Iknowthatthinkingthiswayisprobablynotveryrealistic,but that'sthewayitis." Thesewomenhaveoneimportantthingincommon:Eachisendlesslymourningalostlove.And while the pain these women experience is terribly real and terribly sad, it is also selfdefeating. The central difficulty in an extended mourning process is a search not so much for the perfect man,butfortheperfectfeelingoflove. Althoughthegrievingprocessmustbegonethrough,webelievetheprolongationofthis

process is related to the difficulty many women have in coming to grips with the issues of victimizationandlowselfesteem. The problem of prolonged mourning plagues far more women than it does men. It's certainly notthatmenarerejectedlessfrequently,orthattheyfeellesspain.Thedifferenceliesintheir solutionstotheproblem.Mentendtohandlerejection,evenfromsomeonetheyloveddeeply,by reconnectingwithanotherwoman,oftensurprisinglyquickly.Manywomeninadvertentlyattempt todealwiththewoundofrejectionthroughcontinuedfantasiesaboutgettingbacktogetherwith themanwhorejectedthemaselfdefeatingandpainfulchoice.Aswehaveindicatedelsewhere, because connectedness is so central for women, they will take chances and put forth heroic effortstosalvageorrestorearelationship.

BelievinginMagic theytendtoimputealmostmagicalqualitiestohim.Theoriginsofthistendencyaretobefound inchildhoodconditionings.Aswediscussedinthebeginningofthebook,fromearlyon,women put a heavy emphasis on relationships and attachment. And, being freer with emotional expression, they are more likely to embrace this tendency and thus heighten their emotional response to men. The end result is that they impute almost magical qualities to their lover. By magicwe don'tmeanthatthemanis seenas flawless;manyofthesemen arequiteaccurately perceived.Themagiccomesfromthewaythewomanfeelstowardthemanandthespecialness she so generously attributes to him. As Jackie expressed it, "There is something totally unique about him that I know I'll never find in another man. Sometimes I feel like it's silly to go on looking. No one's going to have all those great little quirky things that Allen had, those special qualitiesthatsoendearedhimtome." Allen may have been interesting, but he wasn't the man Jackie wanted him to be. He didn't reallytreatherwellwhenhewasaround,andhehandledtheendingoftheirrelationshippoorly. Jackie's foolish belief in and search for perfection cause her to discount and ignore Allen's very realshortcomingsasalovepartner.Sheisalsoperpetuatingasingularfocusonthosequalitiesin himthatmadeherfeelgood.Whatmakesherlosssoendlessisherresistancetoseeingattractive but different facets in other men and the tenacious fantasy that someday she and Allen will be togetheragain. WoundedSelfEsteem
tisnormalandnaturalforustofeelbadwhenwelosesomeone.Rejectioncanbealossmore cruel even than death, for it carries with it the painful bite of lost personal esteem and confidence.Althoughitisquitenormaltoexperienceacertainamountofdiminishedconfidence whenweareleftagainstourwishesbyalovedone,theprocessofaprolongedmourningofthat lossisquitedifferent.Theendlesscomponentofgriefisrelateddirectlytoapowervestedinthe manandlostpowertovalidatea woman'sworthaslover,woman,person. A woman must never give a man the power to determine how she feels about herself. No personshouldhavethatsortofpower,notunderanycircumstance,andyetwehaveseenscores ofwomenleftfeelingworthlessbecauseamanhasrejectedthem. Womenwhoparticipateinprolongedmourningtypicallyfeelacteduponbylife'sforcesrather thanexperiencingtheirowncapacitytoact.Theyfeelvictimized.Mencomealongandmakethem feelspecial,andwhentheyleave,theytakeawaytheircapacityto feel good aboutthemselves. Insteadofseeingdeficitsintheman,thereisatendencyformanywomentothinktheywereat fault,thattheydidsome thingwrong.Thisprocessofselfrecriminationservesnousefulpurposeandonlyintensifiesthe agony.

ReleasetoLoveAgain
hefirststepawomanmusttaketogetoveralostloveistoletgoofthemagicalqualityshe assigned to the man and the relationship. She must stop thinking that she'll never feel that wayagainandunderstandthatwhatevertherelationshipwas,nowthereisnorelationship,onlya phantomafterimage.Onlyafterthenotionof"unreal"hasbeenassignedtotherelationshipisit possibletocreatethecontextfornewhope. The second step has to do with assuming more personal responsibility for experience in the worldthe whole panoply of feelings, reactions from others, life events. For whatever complex set of reasons, things didn't work out. But it's crucial for a woman to realize that she was not simplyarespondentintherelationship,buthalfofthereasonforthechemistry.Withouther,the magicwouldnothaveexisted. We find that far too many women forget the real importance of cause and effect in the in teractiveprocessofarelationship.Theylosecontactwiththeirownsenseofpersonalpower,
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particularly when they feel powerless to make the man want to stay. They may confuse that temporarysenseofpowerlosswithamorelongtermandcripplingfeelingofpowerless ness. Amanmayleave,buthecan'ttakeawomanwithhim.Sheandshealoneistheownerofher personalworthandessence.Noone,notthemostcleverormostdarkheartedofmen,cansteal that.Itcanonlybegivenaway. Therecognition,then,ofthesignificanceofone'scontributionintherelationshipisanessential prerequisiteforreleasefromprolongedmourning.Itclearlysignalsnotsimplyawish,hutareal andsubstantialreasontohopeforlovetohappenagain. As we noted earlier, a potent component to prolonged mourning is a tendency to slowly fall preytoallowingthemantovalidateselfworth.Ifyoufindyourselfinthegripsofthisprocess, you must take back that power of validation and learn to like yourself again. Find new ways to gainpositiveinformationandfeedhackaboutyourself.Putyourselfinpositionswhereyoucan haveaccesstoavarietyofdirectresponsestowhoyouareandhowyouareperceived.Thiswill probablyrequirenewpeopleandcertainlynewexperiences. Manywomenaffectedbyrejectionfinditdifficulttoseriouslyaddressthecoreissueof low selfesteem. They focus upon the man in their thoughts and wishes. Part of the problem is that this continued focushow great he was, what a "bastard" he wascan be an effective defenseagainstreallylookingatone'spersonalfeelingofselfworthandconfidence. Formanywomen,itisfareasiertorailaboutthatmanthantofacetherealproblemthatthey don'tfeelgoodaboutthemselves.Inourexperience,wehaven'tseenonewomanwithgood,solid selfesteem who became trapped in an endless state of mourning. Women with this pattern all haveproblemswithfeelingsoflowselfworth. Theissue,then,isnottheman,butpersonalvalue.Certainlyiftherewasvaliditytothereasons forrejection,thesefactorsneedtobeworkedon.Butremember,whatevergoodandwholesome qualities the relationship possessed were a joint creation, and the dismantling was likewise a sharedresponsibility.Fault,likecreation,isajointventure. Lovingagainrequires relinquishingoldhurtandanger.Decidingthatmen areall jerksorthat nonecanmatchtheformerloverisanexcuse,topreventriskandpersonalexposure. Itisimportantforawomantoentertainthebeliefthatshecanloveagainandfeelwonderful withamannotyetmet,onewhomaybeverydifferentfromtheoneforwhomshe grieves.Itisimportantthatthisnew,unmetmanbegivenachance,forhemayprovideaneven richerexperiencethanbefore.Thisrequiresmuchmorethanmeredating.Itrequiresbeingopen tonewexperiences,anditrequiresseeinganewmaninfreshratherthancomparativeterms. Wearealljusthumanbeings.Noonehasmagic.Thereisn'tonlyone"right"person;(hereare manyrightpeople.IfawomanlivedinSanDiego,shecouldfindsomeone.IfshelivedinBoston, shecouldalsofindsomeone.Itismorethanpossibleforawomantoforma.trong,meaningful, and intense relationship with someone new7. But only by bolstering her selfesteemthrough

friends, activities, accomplishments. A renewed sense of personal worth makes it possible to generatethecourfreedom,andopennessnecessarytoloveagain.

CHAPTERNINE

FreedomfromLoveObsessions

he desire for a relationship with the opposite sex is a primitive and compelling magnet drawing us inexorably toward one another. In spite of pain, frustration, or failure, we somehow7manageto dust ourselvesoffandtakeyetonemoretryforthebrassringalasting love. J Weallseeksafeharborandnurturanceinarelationship,aswellasrelieffromloneliness,asense of continuity, and common vision. But for some women, bonding takes on still additional meaningthesweetagonyoflonging,adventure,andpersonalvalidation.Formanysuchwomen, choosing a mate is related less to a selective gathering of the above ingredients and more to findingasolutiontoflaggingselfesteem. Men, too, are subject to selfdefeating solutions to questions of core value, but they take a different form. While some women search for their "Prince" and impossibly romanticize and idealizerelationships,manymenarehopelesslydrivenbymoney.Money,andthesymbolsitbuys, becomes for men a means by which to bolster their own sense of personal worth and esteem. Men plunge ahead drawn by the hope that money will infuse in them a sense of value and confidence. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately depending upon your point of view, these external strategiestosolveinternaldilemmasdon'twork.Personalvalidationissimplymorecomplexthan that. Itrequires realindividual accomplishmentandanhonest feelingofprideinone'sconduct. Whowehaveonourarmorwhatwehaveinourwalletisnotenough. While men march on, obsessed with creating a yet larger total in their networth column, womentoofrequently fallpreytoloveandromance. Ratherthanenjoyingthesimpleelements relationships can realistically provide, some women become obsessed with the heady thrill of challengeinvolvedinromanticencounters. FourTypesofLoveAddicts

eedingloveandratingitimportantasanongoingexperienceinlifeisnotloveaddiction.Love

addiction differs from normal, healthy desire when the accompanying feel ings are greatly exaggerated,distorted,andfleeting.Thequestforlovebecomesobsession. Whoistheloveaddict?Shelivesandbreathesthefantasyoffindingthemanwhowillmakeher whole, who will provide everything that is lacking in her life. No matter what her life is likewhethershehasajobsheenjoys,friendships,talents,oraccomplishmentsshefeelsthat nothing matters as much as romance. Every day and night without a lover she spends waiting, longingforthatmagicalmeeting. Perhapsthemostunmistakablecharacteristicoftheloveaddictishercompulsiontorepeatand repeat again the same pattern. It is this endless repetition that makes love addiction so

destructive.Theloveaddictsincerelybelievesshewantsalastingrelationshipwithamanwhenin factshereallydoesnot. Therearefourbasictypesofloveaddictions,alltriggeredbyfaultyorincompleteearlylearning experiences,whicharecompoundedbytoday'sconfusionsregardingrelationships. HOOKEDONLONGING Earlyin life,men and womencometo associatea specificleeling with thewordlove.Thedefinitionsoflovethattheyformareverypersonalandveryspecifictoeachof them. If the love provided a child by her parents is warm, giving, and consistent, the child's definitionoflovewillreflectthatcontentmentandbecomestampedfirmlyinplace.Inessence, thechildlearns,"IfeellovewhenIamnurtured,whenIhavesomeone." Manyotherchildren,conversely,experienceparentallovethatisinconsistent,conditional,ind unpredictable. That child yearns for her parents' lovelongs for it. As discussed earlier, it is precisely this experience of "longing" that sometimes becomes the child's primitive onc ept of love.Thisdefinitionsays,"IfeellovewhenIwantsomeone."Whenthischildbecomesanadult, shecontinuestoconfuse love andlonging,andthepatternbecomeshunt,onquer,discard.She feels love only during ili< initial uncommitted phase of a relation lup. Once she is certain of a man'slove,shequicklylosesinterest.Forthiswoman,loveisnothaving,butwantingwhichonly leavesheranendlessandtiringstringofnewconquests. HOOKEDONVALIDATIONEarlyinlife,illchildrenlooktoparentsforapprovalandvalidationof theirworth.Goodparentinggraduallyencourageschildrentothinkandevaluateforthemselves.It is through the growing trust in their own perceptions and evaluations that they learn to like themselvesandtovaluethatjudgment. Butmanyparentsdon'tteachthisprocessverywell,andsomechildrendon'tlearnitverywell. Basically, the process of selfapproval involves a gradual shift and transfer of power from the parents to the child. "It's not so important what I think. What do you think? How do you feel aboutit?"Thisstatementfromawparentallowsthechildtobegintofeelthatsheisimportant, thathowshethinksorfeelsaboutanissueoreventisofvalue. Some parents instead discourage this process of selfapproval by communicating to the child that it is only the parents' thoughts and attitudes that are valid. This parent may sense a loss associatedwiththistransferofpowerandenjoykeepingthechildtiedcloselytohimorherasa continuing primary source of approval. Sadly, this child is taught to look solely to others for feelingsofselfworthandacceptance.Asachild,thiskindofgirlcan'tlookinthemirrorandsay,"I likewhatIsee!"Yearslater,this womanlooksinthemirrorand wonders,"Willhelikewhathe sees?" Aninabilitytovalidateoneselfleadstoseriousdoubtsandquestionsaboutselfworth.And when you can't trust yourself you usually have I he feeling that you can't trust anyone. If you i Inn'tbelieveyouarelovable,noonecantellyouthatyouare,nomatterhowmanypeopletryor howhardtheytry. Itisthisdisbeliefthatcausestherestlessi<petitionsfortheloveaddict.Evenwhenshehasa mantellingherthatsheisterrificandhelovesher,shedoesn'tbelieveit.Shedoesn't I M lieveit becauseshehasneverlearnedhowinfeelitherselfcomingfrominsideherself.MM isdoomed tokeeplookingforsomeoneelseinprovidethefeelingoflovability. 11<)()KED ON ILLUSION Some women's H I I v experiences taught them that they were vulnerable, incomplete, or worthless as sepa i<ite individuals. These women were taught insecurity.Theywerealsotaughtthataman\\.istheanswertothatinsecurity. You may have heard the phrase "Women HIT , men do." Too often, women learned that lelationships meant merging with amanfind I I I K that necessarycomponent of autonomy, ac tion,andprotectionexternally,inaman. IheseissueshaveinrecentyearsbeenchalIriiKcdbywomen.Increasingly,theyarelooklitu more to themselves for a sense of worth. IVnelope Russianoff in the book Why Do I Hunk I'm NothingWithoutaMan?poignantly describestheanguishandemptinesswomenfrequentlyfeelwhenthereisnomanaroun1tocare forthem,tovalidatethemandmakethemfeelwholethroughthatcaring.

Manywomenhavebeentaughtthattheyneedmennotbecauselifeismorepleasantwhen one is in their life, but as a symbol of their value as women. One woman vividly recalled her mother'stypicalresponsetoaquestion:"Don'taskdumboldme,waituntilyourfathergetshome and ask him." In her adult relationships with men, deepseated feelings of insecurity kept emerging,feelingsthatshemistakenlybelievedamanhadthepowertomakedisappear. Thisloveaddictishookedontheillusionoffindingthatperfectmantomakeherfeelwholeand safe.Painfullyawareofherinsecurity,shemovesfromonemantothenext,believingitisonlya matteroftimeuntilshefindstherightone. HOOKEDON ROMANCE This woman isin love with romance,infatuated withinfatuation. She tellsthenewmaninherlifethatshecaresforhim,andshetrulybelievesshedoes.Butlikethe male"rat"describedearlier,sheisnotactuallyinlovewiththemanbutwiththerushofnewlove. Asthisexquisitehighbeginstowearoff, whichitinevitablydoeswhenpeoplegettoknoweachother,shefeelsletdown,disappointed, cheated.Insteadofviewingthistransformationofemotionasanaturalphaseintheevolutionof love,shedecidesthatsomethingmustbewrongeitherwithhercapacitytotare,whichistoo scaryathoughttoconsider,orwithhim,aflawshehadn'tnoticedintheI><ginning. WhenPatmetJerry,sheknewthiswas"it."Therehadbeenother"its"inthepast,relationships that had allfizzled, butJerry wasilillorent. Shecouldn't remember feeling this utrongly about a manbefore.Thistime,sheknewitwasgoingtowork.Jerryknewhowtomakeherfeelwanted andwomanly.AsPatrecalls,"Hewassoexpressivemuchmoresothanmostothermen.Hedid allthosenicethings,likebringingmeflowersheevenusedto writemepoems.I knowitsounds corny,butit leltgood."Butafteracoupleofmonths,asthe(lushofnewnessfaded,Patbeganto have gnawing doubts and feelings of disappointment. What was, in fact, simply the end of infatuationshemistookfortheendofloveagain."Iguessaswegottoknoweachotherbetter he relaxed a bitthe poems became fewer, and instead of candles, a bottle of wine, and an Intimatedinner,JerrywasjustaslikelytotiiKKcstcatchingaballgameonTV."Themi norflawswhichsheoncethoughtmadeJerryallthemorecharmingandendearingnowbecame monstrously magnified in her eyes, and she felt herself slowly but surely losing her feelings for him.

WhenLoveBecomesObsession
nytimeweexperiencesomethingpleasurablewewantthatexperienceagain.Wedevelopa liking, yearning, even a craving for that feeling. This is true for all of us. But if we are sufficiently varied and well rounded in our tastes and desires, we don't become fixated on one activity.Healthypeopletendtoseekbalanceandvarietyinlife.Othersdevelopanoverwhelming orrepetitivecompulsionforthatonespecialorintoxicatingexperience.Thisneedcanbecomeso powerfulthatitpersistsinspiteofthenegativephysicaloremotionalconsequencesofsatisfying it. Addicted people are willing to endure anything in order to reexperience that physical and psychological state of being, that compelling satisfaction they feel whenever they take in that substance, whatever it isalcohol, drugs, nicotine, food, or a man's love. This hunger for love becomesobsessionwhenitreachessuchaproportionthatthewomanfeelssheneedsitjustto feel thatlifeisworthliving,justtomaintainhereverydayemotionalbalance. Iromthetimeshewasachild,Jessicawastaughtthatmenwereofparamountimportancein herlife.Shewasneverencouragedtohavegirlfriends,fortheywereseenasfrivolous andoflittle real use. She had boyfriends lieKinning in her early teen years, and with em h one she lived in dreadofhisbreakingupwithher.Jessica'sparentsalwayssidedwith the hoysandwouldgrillher aboutwhatshehad"donewrong." lessica's mother also placed major importance on Jessica's looks: her clothes, hair, grooming, and weight. "You want to be popular, don't you?" Using those words as well as the unspoken

givingandwithholdingofapproval,herparentsslowlytaughtJessicato distrustandundervalue herownsenseofselfandtodeferloIlie wishesanddemandsofmen. Her parentsmadeitclearthatshewouldbenothingwithoutaman.JessicaexhibitsoneofIliec rucial,telltalesignsofloveaddiction: She feelsworthlessandincompletewithoutaman.Needing loveisnormalandnatural.Feelingworthless,empty,anddesperatewithoutitinnot. Angela,a28yearoldphysicaltherapist,didn'tregardherselfasaloveaddict,butshedisplayed oneofthesuresigns.Whenevershe had plans with a woman friend and a man called to ask her out at the last minute, she would changeherplans.Angelafeltnoguiltaboutthis."Well,you'ddoittoo,wouldn'tyou?"shewould askhergirlfriends.No,asitturnedout,mostofthemwouldnot.Angelalostseveralgoodfriends as a direct result of her continued habit of breaking dates with them. After one of her closest girlfriendsrefusedtospeaktoherformonthsfordoingthis,Angelatoldanotherfriend,"Asmuch asIhatetoadmitit,adatewithamanismoreimportanttomethanjustgoingsomewherewitha girlfriend.Ican'thelpfeelinglikethatIdon'twanttomissoutonachanceforattentionfroma man." An obsession is a habit which eventually begins to influence daily existence. Love addicts are people who feel they can't live without the person who nourishes them. Even the mere anticipationofthelongedforexperiencecanbethesourceofakindofpleasure.Theloveaddict thus becomes hooked by the process of "lookingforlove." It is as though the experience of "lookingforwardto"itselftakesonthepowertosatisfy. Sheila,a41yearoldcomputerprogrammer,datesfrenetically.Beforeeachdateshelosesher appetiteandblamesitonbeing"tooexcited."Itisasthoughtheanticipationofbeing
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latisfiedbyamanisitselffillingenough.Manyloveaddictshavethissensation;theexcitement of anticipationcan,inandofitself,serveH I atemporarypacifier. In the beginning phase of love addiction, Women are convinced that the excitement they experiencewithmenisthereasonwhytheycontinuethebehavior.Butinthelaterphases,even the love addict admits she is hooked. Few arr actually aware of the lack of pleasure in their repetitiveexperiences.Loveaddictsinsisttheyenjoychasingaftermenevenwhenitsobviousto everyonearoundthemthattheyatemiserable. Ilie coresatisfactionofloveaddictionisnotiomuchtheparticularpleasureexperiencedwitha specific man, but the escape provided from daily anxiety or frustration. Love addicts an most frequently women for whom the world terms bleak, empty, and fraught with perils. U noted earlier, love addictions represent pooi lv understood attempts by women to solve l ohleius of selfworth,completion,andpersonal validation.Relieffromthesedeepfeel lug* olinsecurityis foundinthethoughts,hlin^s,andfantasiesthesewomenhaveaboutmen Ihis"relief,"however, is both fleeting and illusory and exists only as a temporary Mate of excitement and promise of contentment.Whatbetterfeelingthantheeuphoriaoffallinginlove? The prospect of a new romance can be to| tally energizing. Catherine, a 29yearold court reporter, spends many of her evenings with friends at singles bars and invariably finds herself goinghomewithamanshebarelyknows.Shecoversupavaguediscomfortwithherownconduct byviewingherselfasbeingfreetoexperimentwithmen."It'sjustagame!tome,toseewhichguy I can land forthe evening."However, when pressed, Catherine admits she feels driven tothese nightlyinterludes.Itisnotreallysomuchthesexsheenjoys,shesays,asitisthechaseandthe illusion of being attractive and popular. Catherine is not a sex addict, she is a love addict, for withoutthiscompulsiveactivityshefeelsemptyanddepressedmoreoftenthannot. Menwhoengagein,afranticsearchingforrelativelymeaninglesssexualencountersaresaidto suffer from a Don Juan complex. But for both male and female, the core problem is the same. Loveaddictionisafutileandselfdestructivewaytofeelfilledup,tocreateanillusionofloveand emotionalnourishment. Mostaddictionsaredifficulttobreakparticularlythosewhichappearrelativelyharmless.On thesurface,theloveaddictcanseem


gettingsmart

highly successful with men, and her friends may actually be jealous of her romantic and lexual triumphs.

TimeIsRunningOut nallydecidedtotrytoovercomeherloveaddiction,sheinitiallyexperiencedanover\\helming senseofrelief.Herentireadulthood, II mil21to38,hadbeenaseriesoftumultuouslove affairs,withtwobriefmarriagesthrown III as seemingstatementsofhercapacityfor(ommitmentandstability.Shewashighlyin volved inher work, buther real thrillscame liom her relationships withmen. Elleniswitty and henEllen,a38yearoldbookeditor,fi vivacious,andhadhadnodifficultyathaetingmen.Buteachofherrelationshipslasted a few months and typically ended with her loss of interest and the quick conversion of romanceintofriendship. She secretlyknewherdayswereframedbydreamsofhernextloverandwhether"he"would betheonewhocouldsustaintheintens i t y ofher"high."Secretly,shewasbecoming im ieasingly tiredofthe"blahs"shefeltatthenidofeachrelationship. Whenshedecidedtotakeabreakfromthemenvgoround,itwaswithagreatsighofrelief. But, after a month of abstinence she discovered something terrifying. It slowly dawned on her thatlifefeltmeaninglessagooddealofthetime.Moreprecisely,exceptforthoseromanticthrills, she had no ability to really savor many of the experiences she thought she enjoyed. Going to a ballet meant nothing unless her latest infatuation was by her side. Her friends bored her when they weren't talking about men. She even became emotionally detached from her work. She realized that her editor's job meant less to her when she wasn't communicating her work to a man. Ellenwasfrightenedbythepowerfulfeelingsbeneathherloveaddiction.Butshenowhadto dealwiththem,becausesomethinghappenedtoherthathappenstoalotofwomenwhenthey reach theirlate thirties. She realizedhowmuch she wanted to havechildren andthat time was runningout. Womenhavequiteadifferentsenseoftimethandomen.Formen,timeisoftenadimension bywhichtheymeasuretheirprogresstowardcareersuccess.Womenalsoexperiencetimeinthat way. But unlike men, virtually all women are extremely sensitive to the ticking of the biological clockagainstwhichtheymeasurethepassageoftheirreproductiveyears. Awomanisremindedofthiseverymonth.Ifshehasnochildren,isnotmarried,andisin her early thirties, she feels the inexorable pressure of time if she wants to become a mother. Women are fortunate in this regard, because (his pressure compels them to confront self defeatingbehaviorpatternsiftheirgoalistomarryandhavechildren. Susie was 33 years old when her last brief iclationship fizzled out. At the same time her best friend, who had recently married, announced her pregnancy. The combination of those two events had a profound effect on Su sie. She was envious of her friend and had a nagging uneasinessaboutherownromantichistoryanddecisionswithmen.Sheknewthatifshe wasever goingtoconsidermarriageseriously, shewouldhavetotakeagoodlookatthestringofmenshe had rejected. "It was sc ary because I knew in that bunch there must have been someone who shouldhaveworked<>ut."Whenshewentoutshoppingortothebeachorthepark,shefound herselflookingatyoungmothersandfamiliesinsteadofmen.Shewasbeginningtofeelthatshe waslosing outon somethingfarmoreimportantthanromanticflings,andthisgrowingawareness saddened her.Shewasfeelingmelancholyinawaysheneverhadbefore. Vicki, a 43yearold film studio executive, had given up on children; nevertheless, she still worried about the passage of time. She had had many lovers, both married and single But she, too,yearnedforamorequietandsettledlifetofilltheneedshehadforthingherprofessional successcouldnotgiveher.

All of these women felt pressured by their biological clocks to reassess their patterns of involvement with men. They gradually cam to realize that what they had been seeking was the exciting,elusiverelationshipthatgavethemonlyabriefhighorinfatuation,andthattheytended tooverlookgenuinelypositivequalitiesinmen.Susierecalledhowannoyedshewawhenafriend commentedaboutthemanwithwhomshehadjustbrokenup,"Youknow,Johnisreallyagreat guy,butyou'renevesatisfied.You'realwayslookingforsomethingyoudon'thave."Fortunately, Susie was smart enough to realize that she wouldn't have got ten so irritated if her friend's remarkshadn'thitclosetohome.

GettingExcitementElsewhere
oveaddicts,likeotheraddicts,panicandfeeldepressedandemptyatthethoughtofgivingup theircravings.Becauseofthis,theoptimumtimeforawomantoconsiderchangeiswhenshe becomesboredordisgustedwithheraddiction.Onlythenischangepossible. Themorerestrictedawoman'ssourcesoftmitementandsatisfactionare,thegreaterthe < li.inces that she will become highly attached to one of them. As noted earlier, women traditionally havebeenprogrammedtolookforiourcesofexcitement,fulfillment,andvalidation in thecontextofrelationships.Tooverrorneloveaddiction,itisnecessarytoseek < 0nlarationandenhancementstopersonalidentityelsewhere. IindingasubstituteobjectforthiscravingInnoteasy.Thereisprobablynomorewonderlullv excitingexperiencethanthatoffallinginloveagainandagainandagain.Butthereare ihrikindsofexperiencethatcanbeequally .isurablespending more time with women i lends, for example. It can be rewarding if the i onversationsrevolvearoundsubjectsotherthanmen.Butevenifit'stalkaboutmen,it'slien funespeciallyifyou'rehonest. Cindytriedthis.Aftermanyyearsofmakingmenthecentralfocusinherlife,shede hiedtotryabstinenceforawhile."Ifoundthatevenwhenabunchofuswomenwentout lM (h inks and we started griping about the llien we knew, it was fun because we were vei v honest,andwestartedtotalkabouthowiitii<hwereliedonmentomakeusfeelgood,> m I howabsurdthatwas.Suddenlyeverything inperspective."EventhoughCindyhad manywomenfriends,shediscoveredhowlittletimeshehadactuallyspentwiththem.Shewas abletorediscoverhowvaluablefriendshipisandhowmuchwomenhavetoofferoneanother. The simple process of sharing thoughts with people who struggle with the same issues has a cleansing effect. In this way it is possible for a woman to see her own fears with greater per spective and see how selfdefeating some of her behavior may be. One of the benefits of the women'smovementwasdiscoveringthissenseofsisterhoodandcommonexperience. Itcanalsobehelpfulforawomantocloselyexaminetheactivitiessheenjoysandtheplaces she likes to go. Women often have a tendency to see the activities they shared with men they datedattending plays, concerts, lectures, sports eventsas activities that can only be enjoyed withaman,notbythemselves. One woman poignantly described this common dilemma: "I always thought I was pretty sophisticated.I felt ascomfortablegoingto the operaasIdidtothemovies,enjoyedthe finest restaurants,artopenings, andmuseums.Itwasn't untilIreally stoppedtothinkthatI realizedI thoughtofallthesethingsassomethingtodowithaman,neveralone.IthadbeenyearssinceI hadwalkedintoamovietheateraloneorhadeatendinnerinarestau i tint by myself. I literally had to force myself to do it. I can't remember ever feeling so self < onscious.Ifelteveryonewaslookingatme,eventhoughIknewnoonewas." liventhoughsomewomenstillthinkofworkincareerassomethingworthpursuingonlyuntil they get married and have children, the truth is that professional accomplishment can he .in importantsourceofexcitementandgratllh.ition.Nooneachievesfullsatisfactioninlilt*without committing to some major involve limit that requires either creative expression, innstery, or achievement. By"major" wemean linnething beyond the hobby or dabbling level.This doesn't

meanawomanmustgetpaidforIhisworkorthatherfriendsmustapproveofuKutitdoesmean thatsheneedstothrowIniselfintoitwholeheartedlyanddevelopper* M I I .I Igoalswhichwill enable her to experience llir excitement and rewards of progress. This i lues n't preclude occasional failure, though; for H Is only through occasional failure that we llliow we are taking risksandthereforemakingprogress.

BreakingOldPatternsCanBeExciting
here is probably nothing more difficult for an adult to do than change. A lot of us are dissatisfied and want to change one aspect of our lives or another, but few of us actually accomplishthisgoal.Why?Changerequiresawillingnesstofacetheunknown,andtheu~known isalwaysfrightening.It'seasiertostickwithwhat'sfamiliarand"feels"safe.Changealsorequires adoptingnewmodesofbehavior,whicharealwaysuncomfortableinthebeginning.Oftenitisn't untilpeoplebecomeextremelyfrightened,disgusted,orangryabouttheirownbehaviorthatthey cansummonenoughmotivationtocarrythemthroughthoseinitialstagesofdiscomfort. Evelyn was in her late thirties before she became sufficiently miserable about her love addiction.Shehadbeenintherapythreedifferenttimessincetheageof24,eachtimeforatleast oneyear.Sheexplains,"IreallythoughtIwasworkingatit.Imeanit!IfeltImadealotofprogress andI wasgoingtochangethe wayIpickedmenandthe feelingofpanicIhadtohookupwith someone.OnlythislasttimedidIrealizehowmuchIwaskiddingmyself. ItwasasifIfoundanewgametoplay.IvcrytimeIbrokeupwithaman,Iwouldfindamale therapistandwewouldexplorewhoIwaswithoutaman.IthoughtIwasilneere,butIrecognize nowthatIwasveryihhonest.ItremindedmeofplanningtoquitMiiokingallthetalkiseasy, butthedoingit|iireallytough." (>neeffectivewayofchangingbehavioristo11vtofindtheprocessofchangeitselfexcitingin otherwords,ratherthanseeingchangemerelyasameanstoanend,seeingtheprocessillihange as a new challenge. Although change I N never easy, it can be challenging, stimulating. ind, of course,ultimatelyrewarding.OneI *i<lieformakingchangeinterestingandlessunionsistoview life as a series of strategies m K imes and change simply as a process of iw11(liing from an old gametoanewone. Mercedes, a 34yearold travel agent, had lit tli success overcoming her destructive love ad illttion until she consulted a therapist who Imh.ule her to talk at all of men during ses tlnn Instead,hesaid,shewastotalkonlyofdifferentexperiencesshefoundjoyfulandpleaftiiijthle. HerhomeworkwastoseekoutthoseuperiencesandrewardsseparatefrominteriHtionwith men. \ifirst,Mercedesresistedthistactic.Gradually,however,shebeganrediscoveringthedelights ofvisitingmuseums,relearningtoiceskate,trainingforabicyclerace,goingonSierraClubhikes, spendingtimewithfriendsIalltheinterestswhich,inhersinglemindedfocusonmen,shehad longneglected. Themostpowerfulrewardforchange,ofcourse,istheeliminationofpain.Loveaddicts,aswe havenoted,tend toignore the painof their selfdefeating behavior and concentrateinstead on theimmediatepleasurethethrillorthehigh.Inordertochange,theymustfirstconfrontthe selfdefeating aspects of their behavior. They must then be willing to forgo shortterm thrills in favorofthelongtermsatisfactionsthatcomefromputtinganendtoafrustratingandrepetitious behaviorpattern. Thesatisfactionofexperiencingchangetheheightenedawarenessof"will,"selfmastery,and personalpowercanbewonderfullyreinforcing.Changeleads'toanew,morepositivedefinition of the self and to a growing sense of being in better control. The more a woman cares and respects herself, the less compelled she is to seek validation or completion from a relationship withaman. Ultimately,thecureforloveobsessionsistodeveloppersonalacceptanceandwholeness.We alldeservetobelievethatweareallrightjustbeingwhowearewithorwithoutaloverormate.

LettingGoofExpectations

I ? * pectations are not simply predictions of I J what will happen to us, but what we want In happen.Weallhaveexpectations,fortheyan*itnaturaloutgrowthofcustoms,roles,and,mre important,personalneeds. IIwhatweexpectinarelationshipiswhat HfPa<tuillyexperience,thereisusuallynoproblem Unfortunately, that doesn't happen very iilirn, for most frequently, there is a discrepant v betweenexpectationandrealexperience mweexpectonethingbutgetanother.Expectation*. in any relationship present potential ftiobleins, for if they are not met, they are mrouipjinied by feelingsofdisappointment.To day, during this time of social change and roll redefinition, expectations in a man/woman r| lationshipareespeciallytricky.

HiddenAgendas
t'seightintheevening,andyou'reracingfinishputtingonyourmakeup.You'vewaitcallweek for thismoment.Agoodfriendha| fixed youupwithsomeone whosounds teirific.It'sbeen quiteawhilesinceyou'vebeenthisexcitedaboutadate,butthismansoundidifferent...special. The doorbell rings. You draw a deep breath, calm down enough to as sume a casual pose, and openthedoor. In those first few seconds, you will check each other out, resulting in a multitude of im pressions.Theseinitialimpressionswillbestimulatedbyphysicallikesanddislikes.Astheevening progresses, other impressions be gin to form, and the picture gets increasingly complex. We all wanttomakeagoodimpressionandbefoundattractive,bright,andenjoyabletobewith.Butin additiontotheseimmediateconcerns,therearealsopowerfulhopesanddesiresatworkbeneath ourconsciousthoughtshopesaboutthekindofpersonwewantorneed,hopesaboutthekind oflifewewishtosharewithhim,andfantasies I I M M I I love, fulfillment, ecstasy, romance. These |ji^|>rr desires are like shadowy companions it)*!canaccompanyawomanonadate,delife*whichherescortmaysensesubliminally.!Occ asionally, a woman may feel vaguely un MMnlortable about an encounter with a man, PVin though on the surface everything seemed Id Kn just fine. This is usually because of a Mflety of needs and expectations that are not I F I I I K directly communicated. She may have a Plllililrn agenda"withinherselfthatsheisIMuiwareof. ( Inire, a 29yearold investment banker, de I I I I I M J some recent changes in how she feels #I M M I I men."IwentthroughalongperiodinwithliIdidn'thavearelationshipwithamanlluil lasted any more than a couple of weeks. I (mii'w I was pushing too hard, trying to make tilings happentoofast.I'mnotsurewhereIIpninrdit,butIhadthiswild,romanticfanj||yInmyhead about what the man would be lllii ami how things were supposed to happen. When it didn't, I triedtomakeithappen.

!'lusedtoprayeverydaytoberelievedofititHterribleromanticobsession.Finally,outtfiilirr frustration,Igaveitup,knowingit|u*twasn'tmeanttobe.WhenIwaswitha(Hun,Ifocusedon tryingtofindoutwhoheWin,nothowIwantedhimtobe.Itwasamaz

ing!IfoundIactuallyenjoyedmeninawayIneverhadbefore." Manymensensewhatawomanfeelsorneedlfromthemevenwhenitisnotputintowordi,In fact,whenawoman'sexpectationsarenowverbal,theycanhaveanevenmorepowerfuleffect uponaman. Jim,a39yearoldrealestateagent,sadlvdescribedhisintentionstobreakoffarelation*ship withanice,attractivewomanhehailbeenseeingforseveralweeks.Hethoughthiidecisionwas onlyanotherexampleofhisgettleraldiscomfortwithwomen,butinsessionitwasrevealedthat certainfeelingsonthewont*an'sparthadtriggeredhisfear. Joan, a stockbroker in her early thirties, trie to build him up every time he was down of frustrated about his work. Rather than letting him express his discouragement, she would immediatelyinterjectthathewasterrific,thatthingswouldworkout,thathewould"pull\ioutof theditch."Wliilethiswasdoneinthespiritofhelpandencouragement,infact,ithadtheeffectof inhibitingcommunicationHisfrustrationbuilt.Whenhetriedtotalktoher,sheadmittedthatit made her anxious to see him in such an insecure state. She didn't know how to respond to his anxiety. What she really wanted to do was to make it go away, for its presence made her feel insecure.This Womanbasicallywantsamantobestrongandimilldent.Jimtoowouldliketobethatkindof Mi4ti and has that potential. But in order to tr I c omfortable with a woman he must also be M<toexpressfeelingsofdoubtorinsecurityWithoutfearofjudgment. Not allexpressions of women'sexpectationsmeofaverbalnature.Often ourbodylan fttlJlKe describeswhatwe want orwhatweftrtiThesefeelings arerevealedintheway wewalk,talk, move,whenwetouch,whoiniIhilrs affection,andsoon. Alex is a recently divorced attorney in his iolv thirties. His exwife was cold and rejection lor manyreasons,someofwhichhadtodowithAlex'sneglectofherwhenhewasstruggling through law school. Alex had been dating only i short time when he met Jeannie, a woman hiliked right away. She was fun to talk to, HIM I they were easy and relaxed with each other t from the beginning. IIv the third date, they found themselves on king on the couch of her apartment. But when it cametosex,shewasextremelyshy,utmosttothepointofappearingfrozen.ItreMomledhimof high school, when "nice girls" Ion I to hide their passion behind a mask of modesty to such an extremethattheyappearedoiihiterestedinsex. Alextriedtotellhimselfthatshewasonlyshyandnervous,buthersuddenlackofeyecontact and her physical reserve unnerved him In retrospect, he was aware that every move had been initiatedbyhim.Sheexpectedhirtotakethelead,betheaggressor.Whilethiswasacceptableto himuptoapoint,healsfoundherpassivitytobescary.Mostmenenjoybeingtheaggressor,but extreme female passivity becomes unattractive, for men associate it with a lack of interest or passion.Menarenodifferentfromwomentheyneedtofeelwantedanddesired. Another expectation women have that affects men concerns commitment. Many women believethatmenfundamentallydon'twanttocommittolongtermrelationshipsormarriage.To thecontrary,mostsinglemenareactuallylookingforawomantogetinvolvedwithandmarry. Andtheydo.Whenmenfallinlove,theyfallhardandquickly,andoftenforthefirstwomenfor whomtheyfeelagreatdealoftrust. Janet,a41yearoldsocialworker,believesmenarefundamentallyafraidofintimacy,andshe carriesthisexpectationalongwithheroneverydate.Themenshegoesoutwithsenseherhopes for love as well as the bitterness and cynicism that surround and protect these hopes. Such conflictingemotionsareconfusing,fortheyareareactiontomeningeneralrather than a response toindividuals.Her hungerand oldangercombine in such a waythatinvariably thesemenendupfulfillingherprophecy. Mostwomenbetweentheagesof25and45haveonefootplantedintraditionalrolesandare gingerly probing new territory with the other. The result is often a set of confusing and contradictoryfeelings.Suchwomenseemtobelookingforamanwhoisvulnerablebutstrong, communicativebutselfcontained,sensitiveyetaggressiveandprotective.Itwouldhewonderful if there were an abundant supply of men who possessed this combination of qualities, but unfortunately there is not. It is perhaps a cruel paradox that most men who are vulnerable,

communicative,andsensitive arenotthosewhomwomentypicallyseeasstrong,aggressive,and selfcontained. I aced with these mixed messages from women, men become nervous, unsure, even tlistrustfulthey don't know which message to Inlieve. Says one man about the young woman withwhomheisinvolved,"Idon'tknowwhat shewantsfromme.Shesaysshewantsto Knowall aboutme.ButwhenIfinallydid ionfidesomeofmyinsecurities,itwaslikemy worstnightmare cometrue.Icouldseebythelookonherfacethatshethoughtlessofme." Ivenmanyeconomicallyselfsufficient womenalsosecretlyexpectapotentialmatetobeabletotakecareofthemfinancially.A%Rick putit,"Themoresuccessfulthewoman,themoreexaggeratedherwishesforthePrince,IRick,a 43yearolddoctor,wasdatingthefejmalevicepresidentofmarketingforalargecorporation. He found her to be bright and aggressive and was excited about the relation*! ship until they finallydecidedtotakeatriptoTahiti.Theyearnedroughlythesameamountofmoney,butwhen Rickmentionedthatheexpectedhertopayforherowntickets,shewassurprised.Itwasn'tthat she couldn't af ford the air fare. But it just didn't feel right. It made her feel less womanly and causedhertoseehimaslessmanly.Sheknewwhatshewassayingdidn'tmakemuchsense,but itwashowshefelt. Many women are embarrassed by such desires as wanting the m^n to "take care of all the expenses, for those wishes run counter to their belief in equality. They "think" equality, but for many there is a simultaneous tug from the past deep inside that feels quite different. And no matter how diligently a woman attempts to deny or hide such secret expecta tions about men, theymanagetofindexpression. Expectations about control in a relationship can also play havoc when they are hidden. Some womenwillgotogreatlengthstohavetheirway,andyetbedismayedwhentheygetitlaurel,a successful42yearoldantiquedealer,iscurrentlyinvolvedwithMickey,an|t|tiullysuccessfuland amiableCPA.MostoflltHrsocialliferevolvesaroundherfriends H I M I thethingsshelikestodo. Mickey is happy Hi k<> along with her suggestions, and he actually believes he's pleasing her. Laurel knows hit. love for her is such that she can say or do juil about anything without jeopardizingtheM lationship. Instead of feeling happy and secure, Laurel lee I s bored and too safe. Secretly, Laurel thinks Mickeyiswishywashy.Shecan'ttrustamantyliobendssoeasilyorisinfluencedbyher^Nlres. Shewantsamantobestrong,powerful,M I M I incharge.YetLaurelstays,feelingdissatislinl.and Mickeyfeelsagrowingresentmentin<iIlielackofrespecthesensesfromher. Midden expectations diminish warmth and honesty and prevent people from being free Hiltl naturalwitheachother.TheyputadamperHitlieshandnovelexchangesbetweenthesexes.

IexpectationsVersusIntimacy
Inan,a43yearoldfoundationadministrator,|hasbeendivorcedforfouryears.Immediai I n followingthedivorceshespentagreatdealoftimewithherwomanfriends.Theoccasionalman inher life never seemed tomatc h the warmth and varietyof interest she foundinher friends, andthesemenwerediscardedonebyone.Shehadbeenmarriedtoadedicateddoctorandsaw meninmuchthesamowaysheusedtoseeherexhusband"intotheirworkandtheirsports." ItwasnotuntilaclosefriendpointedouljherattitudetoherthatJoansawhowshecategorized menandhowrigidherexpecta3tionswere.AsshesawthisselfdefeatingcyJcle,Joanbeganto developamoreopenandfreshresponsetomen.Muchtohersurprise]shebecameawarethat changes in her atti tudes had the positive effect of allowing meitj to feel more comfortable, relaxed,andexpresJsivewithher. Menandwomenareinthemidstofatransition,shiftingawayfromtraditionalsexrole*and discovering new onesthe result beiii^ that their expectations of each other have be come ambiguousandconfused.Thisisunfortunate,becauseifthereisonesimpletruth,itisthatthe greaterthenumberofexpectations,thelesslikelyitisthattherelationshipwillprosper.

Tomaximizetheprobabilitythatarelation!shipwilltakeroot,itisimperativethataman]and womanbeopenandselfrevealingnodis Isesandasfewfiltersaspossible.WhenH U T person'sbehaviorisdictatedbypreconIvednotions or expectations, personal ex ess iveness is reduced, severely limiting the ssibility of genuine intimacy.Singlepeoplecomplain,forexample,about epredictablequalityofthefirstencounter. Nothingfeelsfreshanymore/'Theyexplainiiitheopeninglines,thetopicsraised,even ejokesat singlesbarsandothersinglesmeetK placesarestaleandboring.Therealprobiii,ofcourse,is that people are afraid to let Mini be themselves. In another setting, where v felt more comfortableandopen,theseinepeoplemightprovetobemuchmoreilercsting. Iliemenandwomenwhocomplainmostloudlymightalsowanttocontemplatethenareofthe selffulfilling prophecy: When ei ei .i man or a woman anticipates boredom, it ill probably be found.PerhapsthewomanIitstheposeofthealoofobserver.Theman,turn,fallsbackona predictableconversaii.11pattern.Neitherallowsenoughroom,orinnliesenougheffort,forthe unexpectedorinwtooccur.Thefreermenandwomenallowthemselvestobe,themorelikely theyaretoionnectinanewway. I'lieimportantthingforwomentorememIM iisthatexpectationistheenemyofintimacy.The moreamanfeelspressuredtolivuptoawoman'sexpectations,thelesslikelyheistorelaxand open up. Men, like women, want to be accepted for who they are, rather than be expected to becomewhatsomeoneelswantsorneedsthemtobe.

GettinginTouchwithHiddenIllusions

hewishtoremakeorchangesomeonesothatheisabitmoretoourlikingisafutileasitis

common.Therearenoperfectmatches,anddifficultasitmayseemattimes,itisfareasiertofind someoneyoulikeandrespectthantotrytocreatethatperson.||Adrianne,a37yearoldsales representative, said, "I finally think I've learned my lesson. If I realize that there's something I reallydislikeorcan'trespectinaman,Imoveon,butthelittlethingsI'mlearningtooverlook.In the past, I always seemed to be drawn to guys who had problems, and I mean big ones. You'd thinkthatwouldhavescaredmeaway,butitdidn't.Irememberthinkingthatmylovewouldhelp or do something positive for these men. Well, I never changed anybody, and I know now that I can't.NowI'mwithamanIreallylike.Oh, lir'sgothisquirksandhismoods,butIleavelitemalone.Iactuallyfeelfreernothavingtohmtge ordosomethingaboutthem." Somewomenfinditeasiertoadoptapaslive, "wishing"attitude,ratherthantodealwilli cold, hard reality. They become involved Hlih man, thinking, "He'll change," or, worse, S o m e d a y I'll changehim."Morelikely,thestunspokenneedswillcloudandconfusecommunication.Theonly waytoclearitupisthroughstraighttalk.Andthiskindofdirectiommunicationtakeseffortand practice.Itreninsthatawomantellamanwhatshese11<11vexpectsandfindoutfromhim howmanyltheseexpectationsheiswillingorabletoiitliitly, Melissa,althoughshedidn'trealizeit,wanted I n i mantobethestronganddecisiveonein I I H relationship.Yetatthesametime,sheMiltedhimtorespectherandbesensitivetolieiwishes. When she and Chuck moved in |H M ilier and were decorating their apartment, tin \ lound themselvesfightingalmostconiliini Iy.Chuckwantedtodiscusseverydecillnuwithher.Shehad certainideas,yetsheSmiledhimtoultimatelymakethedecisions, milybecauseitwashismoneyandpartly11miseshesecretlywantedamorefatherlyhidof matewhowouldtakecharge. Oneday,shediscussedherbattleswitha friend,whopointed outtoMelissathatshehated having somuchcontrol. Why nottellChuck? Melissadidn'twanttodothis,bemcauseshefeltthatifshetoldhim,hewouldjustbetakingover

to please her, and not beJ cause he was really stronger. Her friend rightly| pointed out that Chuck'swishtopleasecamfloutofloveandnotweakness. Sometimes a woman resists verbalizing hew desires out of a misguided belief that she i shouldn't have to tell a man what she wantsfl that if he really loved her, he would know. Or] perhaps she worries that if a man does thenl try to satisfy her desires, he will be doing sol begrudgingly. She may fear that her mate will prove un*l willing, or unable, to meet those expectations,! Perhapshecan.Perhapshecan't.Shemaybelgivenmorethansheeverhopedfor.Orshe!may realizethatherneedsarenevergoingtoflbemetanddecidetoendtherelationship.!Eitherway, she will at least have a more real 1 istic sense of the relationship's potential. And I reality is ultimatelymuchmoresatisfyingthan1illusion. SomewomenfindithelpfultodiscusstheirBhiddenexpectationswithfemaleormalefriendsI who know them well and can be objective. 1 And of course, if a woman is in a longterm 1 relationship,sheshoulddiscussthemwithher1 irtihier.Manywomenbalkatthissuggestion,mithat'sfoolish.Whileit'sdifficulttodo,aWoman cansaveherselfalotoftimeandgrief.fhvdiscoveryofhiddenattitudesandwisheslliiitpushmen awaymakeschangepossible<11 M IIreesawomanandthemansheiswithorHaiHstobewith toexploreeachotherinfreshHewways.

ExpectationsThatWork bviously,notallexpectationsarebadordestructivetoarelationship.Someare|nNiiiveand canenhancefeelingsofcomforttiiiilclosenesswithaman. I \pcctations,toagreatextent,growoutofII M waysinwhichweviewandvalueourirlvrs.If wethinkpoorlyofourselves,expectsinnstypicallyassumeadistinctlynegativelmntIfwerelate toourselvespositively,ex|n.i,11ionsthenflowinthatdirectionweex|m<iwhatwefeelwe deserveandwegetwhats\irxpect. II is easy to see, then, how important it is hi '.i lo trust in our basic values and worth in a fflnlionshipandsecondtoassumeourpartnerwillalsoseeandappreciatewhoweare. Awomanwhoexpectsmentobeinsensitive,Unloving,oruntrustworthyfrequentlyfinds

just that. A woman who expects men to be sensitive to her, who assumes, until it is proved otherwise,theycanbetrusted,andwhoex|pectsamanwillwanttoloveandcommit!himself tohercanalsofindthatactuallyhappening.Thisisnoaccident.Positiveexpectationsallowthe mantosensevalueinhimself fortheyassumeheiscapableoffulfillingthem]Suchexpectations give a man something to j live up to; they establish a model for personal conduct. When you expectsensitivityandgentlenessfromaman,expecthimtorespectyouandnottobetrayyour trust,expecthimtobegoodandlovingthereisafargreaterchancethathewillbe.

FindingDiamondsintheRough

hefirstdatewasgoingdisastrously.Nedhadfumbledhiswaythroughbeforedinner i l l i n k s , he had spilled pumpkin soup on his Mi. mid now there was a sheen of perspiration mi I n s balding scalp.HisdatewaslookinginMnilyathernails,cursingthe"bestfriend"whohad set them up. When Ned's beeper went nil, ln)th of them jumped in relief. This date ivus wring nowhere. Nrddidonesmartthingthatnight.HeaskedItUdatetogoalongonthecall.Nedisoneof ( h i t few pediatricians who still makes house mils What his date found out that night miildn't have beendiscoveredinamonthofdinnersindimlylitrestaurants. Thecontrastwasremarkable.Themanwhohadn'tbeensurewhattoorderatdinnerwasnow absolutely confident in the presence of his young patient. He reassured, coaxed, enter tained, andprobedtogethisjobdone.Itwasapoignanttime,becausethechildhadbeeningreatpain. Slowly, Ned's date began to see him in anj entirely different light. At the restaurant, she had beensurehewasaloseraveragelookingwithoutanyrealstyle,painfullyshyandanvious.Even thoughshe'dbeenencouragedbythe"bestfriend"totakethetimetogettoknowNed,sheknew shewouldneveragreetoaseconddate.Beforehisbeeperwentoff,shehadbeentryingtofigure outawaytogethiintotakeherhomedirectlyafterdinner. Afterthehousecall,theywenttoanallnightdinerforcoffee.Whatshehadseenallowedher tofocusonNed'spassion,thekidshetakescareof,thecommitmenthefeelstohelpingpeople.It suddenlywasn'tasimportantanymorethatNedwasshyorclumsyatfirstglance. Therearealotofmenwhomaynotfitthemoldthatmanywomenhavewhenitcomesto"Mr. Right"men who may have visible flaws in behavior or appearance, men who may be insecure whenitcomestoinitiallyformingrelationships.Theymaynothave"thelook," vmaybeawkwardconversationalists.WorstalI,theymaybetooavailable,tooeager.Butsoare often men who possess great possibility They truly are "diamonds in the rough." Amy is a 36yearoldbuyerforadepartmentie.She'sbrunette,athletic,andveryaggresv<Shebelieves shedeservessomeonewhoisfrlfic,and,ofcourse,shedoes.AfriendhadnlherupwithRobert.1 toldLouiseoverlunchthateventhoughhadcalledforaseconddate,Ididn'tplanneehimagain.I madeupsomeflimsystorylitwhy,becauseIknewhewasanoldfriendhersandIdidn'twantto hurt her feelings, i ll, she immediately saw through my story really nailed me. What she said wasn't rthing I didn't already know,butIhadn'tanl someone put it intothose wordsbefore. In said, 1 know why you don't want to see fiber t again. He doesn't quite measure up to in standardsgoodlooks,easytalker,confint,andarat.LetmetellyousomethingmiRobert.He's alittleshy,butwhenyouil>ryondthat,heisoneofthebrightestandtiniestmenIknow.Heisn't theathletictypeyou'reattractedto,buthe'swarm,interesting, H I M Iseriousaboutwantingtobe inarelation i h i p . AllIcantellyouisthatyou'remissingmilmisomethingveryspecial.Themen yougoI MI allgetworseasyougettoknowthem. Robertisthekindofmanwhogetsbetter a m i better.'" Somemendon'tshowwell.Someofthem,likeChris,justdon'tcare.Atfirstglance,you'dpeg himforahicktheTexasdrawl,theslickeddownhair.Heistallanddarkbuttoo roughlooking. He'sbeentoldhisclothesareoutofdateandstillherefusestochangemuchChrisisnottrendy. Butthen,thatisoneofhitstrongpoints.

Heisanattorneyinanofficewhichhasalot offlashy,dynamicgogettersinit.Chrisisn'tthe onewhogetsthemostclients,butheisthdonewhokeepsthem.Heisabrillianttriallawyerwho winsoverjuries.Outofthecourtroom,heisloyal,trustworthy,patientallquaHitieswhichare greatfordogsbutnotsogreat]for"Mr.Right."Atleast,that'swhatmanywomenwouldthink. Chrisissosecureinhimselfthathedoesn't!worryaboutexternalappearances,butitceHtainly diminishes his romantic chances. Thd woman who finally bothered to look beyond the obvious found a jewel. Chris, she found out, was strong enough to put up with most of her flawsnot becausehewasweakordepenjdent,butbecausehehadafundamentalstrengthandtolerance. Itisastrengthsheinitiallyfoundboring,butnowit'ssomethingshewouldn'tlivewithout. I here are a great many men, and of course women, too, who are very slow in revealing llmttiselves.Theyareusuallypeoplewhohavep|>ericncedrejectioninsomeforminthepast HIM I,havingbeenonceburned,arenowtwiceIivThesmartwomanshouldknowhowto|Hpast theexteriorawkwardnessthatmanyMienmaydisplay. "Iwouldn'tsayMitchellwasboring,buthefittedsoconservative,"Andreasaidasshetamed backinthechair.Thirtytwoandanaltiactiveblonde,sheworkedforthecityasan lministrative aide to a councilwoman. She ill a penchant for highpowered political types H?h<> invariably would walk all over her before Nfiy walked out the door. She needed a change. 'Mitchelljustwasn'tmytype.He'snotfat,tut!Insfacehasthischubby,sortofwellfed militytoit."AndreaalwayslikedhermenHtuandmean."Itturnsoutheiswellfed.find,he'sa fantasticgourmetcook.Hebrings|liitumethoroughnesstocookingthathebringsneverything elsehedoes.Hestrikesmeas tinkindofmanwhofelthomelyasachild,unpopular,andtriedto compensateforitinH I I M I ways. Vonknow,helikestobeawinner.HetriesInvhardtosucceed,andhedoeseventually I mi ausehejustwon'tgiveup.That'smadehimasuccessasacomputerdesignerandalso asapianoplayerhe'sevenagoodphotographer.Noflashthere,justsubstance. "ItseemedstrangeatfirstthatMitchewouldbeillateaseingroups,butnowIunderstandthat inordertoopenup,hehastffeelaccepted.That'sjusttheoppositeofmostofthemenI'vegone with.Whentheyopenu|there'snothinginside.ThankGodforMitchell.' BrentwasalmostadeadringerforWoodAllen.Theglasses,thehesitantmanner,th|NewYork accent.HegrewupinBrooklynandspenthishighschoolyearsyearningtobeanathleticstar.But hewasagreatlistener.H<knewalltheprettygirlsandallthecheerleaders.Heknewmoreabout them than any othn boy, because Brent was considered "safe." Ik was the "best friend" of the girls,butalsothelastonethey'deverwantforaboyfriend. Thatcharacterizationcontinuedintoadulthood.Brentwasanincrediblyeasypersontobewith for most womenattentive, confident sweet, and nice. But there never seemed to be any passion.Brenthaddatedalotofwomenbutinvariablytheybecamefriendsinsteadoflovers. Diane was desperate when she called Brent. Her 4yearold son had a raging fever and wai mumblingincoherently.Thecall she placedIo her doctor had not yet been returned,and when shecalledherboyfriend,hemerelytriedto pi.i<ateherwithsuperficialreassurances.Asatingleparentsheworriedalotaboutherson,iltr feelsmaybetoomuch,butthenshehadnooneelsearoundtoshareherconcerns. WhenDianefinallydecidedtodriveToddInIheemergencyroom,everythingwentwrong.Her carhadnogas,andanotherfranticcalltoInrboyfriendwasmetwithirritation.Hesaid hewas "toohysterical,toooverprotective,andItKidemanding."Thatwaswhenshethoughtnl11rent. TheyhadworkedtogetherfortheIn*!year.Theywerewarmandfriendlywithi<nhother,but shehadneverconsideredhimH N someoneshewoulddate. WhenBrentpickedupthephoneandheard IMane'sanxiousvoice,hewasquicklyontheHuiy loherhouse.HewastheonewhocarriedInifeverishsonintothehospital.ThedoctorsM assured herthatitwasjustavirusandgaveIniinstructionsforhiscare,andtheywereM I I I home. Inwardly,Dianewasawareofanewfeelingjiiillrent.Eventhoughhewasn'ther"type,"ihehad strongfeelingsofattractionforhim. M M watchedthewayhewaswithToddandhowwarmand

C
{

sympathetichewastoher.She (idiniiedhiswillingnesstogetinvolvedandtiniaimbutdecisive wayhehandledhimself.Nhefeltsecureinawayshehadneverfelt withaman.BrentandDianebegantodateandeventuallybecamedeeplyinvolved. Most of the time we make up our minds very quickly about people, particularly when it concerns whether or not we are attracted to them. In a brief encounter, we rely most heavily uponvisualinformationandvariousotherdatatransmittedthroughbodylanguage. Most people are ruled out at this point it they don't generate some vague ephemeral "chemistry."Thosewhoarescreenedoutpasssomewhereintothemistybackground.Thosewho are screened in are elevated to the next level of inspection; we will talk to them and see what happens. Whenwefirstmeetsomeone,ourinitialdialoguerevealsmoreabouthowcomfortableweare withstrangers,orhowglibweare,thananythingofrealmeaningordepth.Manyofthepotential romantic partners we didn't reject at the visual inspection level fail at this point if we are not interested orintrigued bythem.And all too often, the bestmen are no! amongthose few who survivethatfirstcriticalfiveminutesofencounter. Weallmakesnapjudgments,andforsomeverygoodreasons.Wehavetrainedourselvesto become more and more efficient using less and less information to arrive at decisions. In most areasoflifethisefficiencyworksinourlavor,butnotwhenitcomestoselectingapotentialmate. While women should certainly trust their txisii "gut reactions" to a person, they should ill .o recognizethatsomeofthemostcomplex,tiitcere,andsensitivemenoftendonotmaketinbest firstimpressions.ThesemenarefrequentlyignoredorrejectednotbecauseofWhattheyare, but because of what they aren't liming those first critical moments. Some Women make these decisionswithfrighteningHired,accordingtosuperficialandincomplete.l.ila. Whilenotthe"perfect"man(nooneis),thediamondintheroughisagooddealmorespeial thanheinitiallyappears.Thekindofgenuinelygoodmanwearetalkingaboutonlyappearstobe ordinary,whichmaybewhywomensometimesmisshim. Itachel,a31yearoldlegalsecretary,almost miv.rdout.Shechasedunsuccessfullyafter(he.ive, seeminglyfascinatingmen,allthewhileIniumiseratingwithFreddie,arathernondei.riptyoung attorneywhoinvariablytoldherthatshedeservedbetter.Theyoccasionallyhadflintiertogether, butsheneverthoughtofhimanythingmorethanagoodfriend.Thenone(lavshesawhimjoking with another secretary mid suddenly realized how deep her feelings Ioi In in had become. They begantodateanda yearlatermarried.Racheladmitsshefoundadiamondintherough;ifshehadnotworkedwith him,shemightneverhavediscoveredhim.Ordinarily,shewouldn'thavebeenatallattractedtoa manlikeFreddie. Infact,thediamondintheroughisquitespecial.Hehasdevelopedqualitiesofpersonalityand characterthataremoresubstantialthanflashy.Ifheappearslessaggressiveandmoresensitive than other men, it may be be cause he's less defensive and cocky, more convi fortable with openness.Heisthekindofmanaboutwhomyoumightsay,"Ifeelsafeandcomfortablewithhim, butIdon'tknow,there'lljustnosizzle."Whatsomewomenfailtounder*!standisthatwhatthey call"sizzle"isreallynothingmorethanuncertaintyandnervousnessabouttheirplaceinaman's affectionThereisreallynothingterrificaboutfeeling|anxious.AndthereisreallynothingwrongI withfeelingsafeandcomfortablewithaman,Afterall,thatisWhatagood,stablerelation1ship isallabout. Frequently, a woman rejects this sort of manA depreciating him because she can't discrimi 3 nate between niceness and weakness. Thefttifl men do not have tough exteriors, and their I decisionmakingcenterhasaverycomplexandbroadbase.Theywon'thavethepostures,the 4 cockyandsometimesbrittlebehavior,yousee Insomeothermen.Theyareoftenmoresensitiveandthoughtful.Butremember,theirwaysmt forgednotoutofweaknessbutfromatenseoftheirownstrengthandcomfort.Suchitmanmust beallowedtodevelopathisown(iiur.Ifyoupushhimtochange,itcanleadtodisaster. (arrie,a42yearoldattorneyinalargeLosAngleslawfirm,hasbeenmarriedanddivoned twice.Herfirsthusband,Dave,wasaItudentshemetwhiletheywerebothinlawM Itool.Dave

wasgoingtobethenextClarenceDairow,buthespentmoretimeattendingann u a l ralliesthan studying. She saw him as a ftrry comet who needed some kind of guide through the mundane aspects of life. She would take notes for him during class while he was till on one crusade or another,andshecarelollypreparedhimforallhisexams. Iheyweremarriedduringtheirsecondyearo!lawschool,andhemovedintoherapart M M nt. Followinggraduation,Carriepassedthebutandlandedanexcellentjob.Davefailed tin barand took a job clerking for an attorney In .i Iree legalaid clinic. Carrie took on pro (rrssively more responsibility, and her resentment toward Dave mounted with each new I M I I den. Dave had no motivationeithertoreinkethebarexamortolookforthekindofhighpayingjobthatCarriefelt heshouldstrivefor. CarrielovedDave'swarmthanddeeplyrespectedhisdedicationtoideals.However,shdisliked hislackofpush.Afteryearsoffighting,Carriefiledfordivorce. Dave may sound like a loser, but not when you hear the postscript to this story. After the divorce,andwithoutthepainandpressureofCarrie'sdisappointmentinhim,Davebegantgrow upandfindhimself.Heeventuallybecamesuccessfulasabusinessconsultantandisquitehappily remarried.Thelessonhere?Davewasadiamondintheroughwhoneededtimetodiscoverhis nicheinlife.

TheMaskofShyness diamondintheroughisthathisworthisfrequentlyhiddenunderlayersofshyness.The"nerd"at the office, the obnoxious fellow at the singles bar, and the seemingly aloof neighbor across the hallmayallbemenofcharacterandsubstancewhoseshynesscausesthemtoadoptthesemasks. Womensometimesforgetthatmenhaveprivate"selves"aswellasthosetheypresentinpublic. Men met in public may show only bits and pieces of themselves. One reason women may not recognize the I or example, Nelson, a 43yearold divorced tlivsician, is generally considered a "catch,"tilhecanbeprettyobnoxiousparticularlytinthefirstdatewhenheisuncomfortable. Onlluitfirstdate,he'slikelytobeloudandboishionsandbragaboutmoney,possessions,vaca tions,andsoon.Womenfindhiminsufferable.Whattheydon'tknowisthatinspiteofoutivhicl appearance, Nelson has always been ml her shy and insecure about women. He's like the class clown in school who covers up hi* need for approval and his shyness with HHHiessive and offensivebehavior.Thistypeofmanisactuallyrathereasytoengage.AndWilt*nithappens,this mantrustsandloves|Mit<readily. I don't want someone who is shy! I have tHioimh trouble feeling confident in myselfI Mm don'twanttohavetopropupsomeguy.IHuntsomeonewhoisconfidentandsureofhimself." Feelings such as these are not un lominon; but remember, men who create ex 1*11 II I K first impressions often direct their en # H V toward perfecting flash, not substance and I..Ilow through. Ileeause sensitive men experience the same Inns and vulnerabilities women do, they often revealthemselvesslowly.Someamountoftrust H i n t familiaritymustbeestablishedbeforethey w i l l allow themselves to be seen. Most women are acutely aware of their own sensitivities and insecurities and know the kinds of situations that allow them to feel safer and freer. But many womenthinkthatmenoperatewithaquitedifferentsetofemotions.Theymaynotseemenas susceptibletofeelingvulnerableatleastnotinthewaywomendo.Somewomendon'tevenlike toconsiderthispossibility!Manywomenbelievethatitiseasyandnaturalformentobeoutgoing and aggressive, and that is simply not true. Some men need an accepting or supportive atmospheretorevealdormantaspectsoftheirpersonality. Andrew,apainfullyshy46yearoldphysicistwholoveshiswork,isdefinitelynotapowerhouse withtheladies.Ellen,ahighschoolteacher,haddatedhimonlyafewtimeswhenshebeganto feel bored and disinterested. Bui instead of ending the relationship, she decided to attempt to draw this man out. She made a game of it, being light, humorous, and spontaneous in his company. He responded immedi ately, revealing a wit and confidence that had been inhibited. Onlythendidthereal"chemistry"occur.Theyarenowquiteseriouslyandhappilyinvolved. Foreverywomanwhoasagirlspenthoursbythephonewaitingforsomeboytocall,thereisa manwhoasaboycouldnotforcehisshakingfingerstodialthephone.Theculturalnpectation

wasfortheboytomakethefirstmove,andthosefirstmovesarethemostintimidating,forthey clearlydeclareattractionmiddesireandexposetheinitiatortorejection. Men who most easily overcame that boyhood b ,11 were those who were the least in touch withtheirownfeelingsoranyoneelse's.Sot h o s e menwhoseem,inthebeginning,mostitlong, interesting,andattractivemayalsobeIriscomplex,sensitive,andlovingthanthosewhoinitially appearlesscaptivating. IWitbeforeawomancantrulyappreciatethediamondintherough,shehastoexaminethei rlleria according to which she evaluates men. Nhe may have to throw out some old and usel e s s stereotypesabout"nice"or"gentle"beingtyhonymouswith"weak"andmayneedtotilingsuch needsassecurity,consistency,commitment,andcomfortclosertothetopofher|Ulofpriorities withmen. It's interestingthatwhenwomenareasked to describewhatattractedthemtomen,theynlten talkaboutexcitementorelectricity.Butwhentheyareaskedwhatisimportantina m lationship, theywithoutexceptionrememIthemosttenderandintimatemoments.Ihescsubstantive experiencesaretheimportant andessentialingredientsinagoodand lasting relationship,andyet womenmayoverl o o k them,especiallyinthebeginningwhen theyarequicklydecidingwhethertotakethetimetogettoknowtheotherperson. Takeachance.Takeasecondorevena thirdlookatthatmanyouaretemptedto ignore.Try spendingabitoftimewithhim,keepingyourmindfreeofexpectations.You mightfindthatyou can enjoy not feeling nervousthat it's better feeling comfortable. You might let him tell you abouthimselfslowly,inthesamewayyoufeelmostateasereveal^ingyourselftohim.Youmay evendiscover,lyoursurprise,thatyoulikehim.

ReinvestinginLongTermRelationships

hesuggestionswehaveofferedinthischapterarisepartlyoutofourobservingamajorshiftin

attitudeamongwomentoday.

It

definitelyappearsthatwomenareenteringtlieraofthe

diamond in the rougha time which women are reinvesting in the value it solid and durable relationships. Social upheavals in the recent past encou! aged women to redefine themselves and aspiri to theirbest.Inordertopursuecareersandlselfactualization,manywomenplacedtheirportanceof relationshipsonholdand,alo ill)it,thediamondintherough.Onereasonusthatthediamondintheroughwasnotnasthe sortofmanwhoperhapsbestsymi/edtheheightofselfrealization.Womenvhavepassedhim over for the most elusive who appeared to be a more fitting match more appropriate "achievement/' Hut now, many women are coming to believe I a career in the absence of a relationship I H a hollow and empty experience. So there H swing back to a new balance or equilibininone'spersonalneeds.ExcitementandIricitymaybewonderfulwhiledating,buten todaynowwanttoconnectmoredeeplyllimenandareeagertomarryandhavehlren. Ihisshiftinfocusfromoneselftoamoreplexcontext,suchasfamily,requiresatingementofvalues andselectioncriteria,largercontextofmarriageandfamilysug%ihatmanywomenarestarting tolookforwhoareclearlysolid,reliable,andtrust hv smart woman who complained that she vs IVI1 for the rat is starting to look at men w ways, viewingdifferentkindsofmensible"gems."Perhapssomewomenreadililsmaybethinkingthat thiswomanislydesperateandwillingtocompromiserrtoescapethoselonelyevenings.Nothing couldbefurtherfromthetruth.Weartnotreferringtowomenwhoaresettlingfor"crumbs"or secondbest,butwomenwhoarflfindingnewvalueinmentheywouldhavdiscardedinthepast.

Whenasked,theythenvselvesfeeltheyarenot"settlingfor"but"geltingsmart."Thesewomen sense a new level of appreciation of certain men, and because ofl that they feel they have a broader range On options, which is, in fact, exciting. Breaking! away from narrow and rigid standardsisAliberatingexperienceforthem. Kathleen,inherlatethirties,hashadscore*ofrelationships,mostofwhichendedinpain*!ful dissolutions."IhadtotakeafreshlooktilwhatIwasreallysearchingfor.IfoundtluilwhenIwent slowlyandgaveitachance,IcaredinawaythatIneverhadbefore.((Iwasn'tflash,glitter,and chemistry,butitfeelevenbetterthanwhatIhadinthepast.Idon1!knowwhetherIjustgottired orwhat,butIfeelgoodnowandhopeful." We predict that many women are adopting and will continue to adopt Kathleen's attitude Furthermore,wefullybelievethatifwomenatleasttrytoadoptit,theywillfindthemselvesin newandveryrewardingrelationships.

AFreshLookat"Femininity"

^oine women always seem to come out win Oners with men. There is a quality these Itomen exude that can be so powerful and liltiulive that men appear mesmerized by them. Wlmt they haveistheabilitytobebothtender nlRiving,aswellasstrongandpowerful. N*yrejectanynarrowrigidstereotypeof"fefNaleness."Thesewomenhavenosenseofcom remising either aspect of their personality. H im ilicm, allowing both the socalled male and i Ned female forces to reach full expression ff|it srnts a magical balance that creates a kind |FMiyncrgy," an energy that is greater than |lt# ium of the two forces. Wluil we see happening todaywithwomen isanewdefinitionoffemininitythatisclosertothisbalanceofpositiveforces.Andwefindmany smart women today starting to reexani ine this basic aspect of their identity. They a r e asking themselves,"canIbestrong,fullyrealizedintellectually,andexpresstheforcefuldynamicparts of my personality in the pre* ence of men and still be seen as desirable l>v these men?" This latter point is critical lor men and women. We want the opposite sex to be attracted to us withouthavingtocensorofdiminishanyofthepersonalqualitieswhieliwevalueinourselves. Wedon'tfeelthatitisanegativeformenofwomentobeconcernedwithwhattheopposite sex values as "attractive." Rather, we lieve it is important for both sexes to acknowl edge that theirdefinitionsof"attractivenes*"ormasculinityandfemininityarealwayspar tiallydefinedby theoppositesex.Weneedt<attracteachotheritisabiologicalimperative As Carol Gilligan has noted, because at true tion and connection seem to be of great impoH tancetowomen,itisonlynaturalthattlievfocusonthatwhichattractsmen.Thecriticnlissueis todothiswithoutsacrificingenergyandintegrityfromotheraspectsofselfrealIzation. Whatdoesfemininitymean?Thetraditionfl||definitionconnotedpassivity,weakness,dulM nicy, and girlishness. It placed fundamental Importance upon appearance and presentation and implied coyness, coquettishness, disguises, names, and strategies. Today, femininity is being rrdefinedsimplyasthequalityofbeingunit|uelyfemaleorwomanly. Specifically,itrelets not only to those qualities one traditionally associates more with women than mentendern e s s , sensitivity, and nurturancebut also in ndes behaviors that tradition links more with enstrength,power,andaggressiveness.In e t , thisbroadeneddefinitionofwomanlinessalready beingembracedbyincreasingnumi s ofwomen.Thesewomenarelearningthat11 K strongand assertive does not detract from ling womanly, but rather complements such lings. They also understandthatexpressionsstrengthdon'trobthemoftheircapacitytolenderandgiving.

TheMagicofStrengthandTenderness
eallhavefemaleandmaleaspectsinourpersonalities.Thisisacommonwayoferstandingour different personality traits, example, there is the Eastern concept of and Yang, masculine and feminineopposites

which form a complementary whole. The psychologist Carl Jung spoke of the anima and the animusindescribingthefeminineandmasculinethatexist,incombination,inallofus. Aswe'veindicated,conceptsoffeminityandmasculinityhavecomeunderconsiderablefirein recentyears,andforsomeverygoodreasons.Therestrictivenessoflearnedsexualrolebehaviors has been destructive to both women and men. Assertiveness was often systemati cally discouragedingirlsandwomen,asweretheexpressionsoftendernessandvulnerabilityinboys andmen.Insteadoffeelingcomfortablewithrigiddefinitionsofoursexualidentities,manyofus feltthey were constraining Women and men wanted to be"more"than what traditional sexual stereotypes called ac ceptable or appropriate. Such stereotypes wer' seen as straitjackets, restraintsthatchokedoffvaluablepartsofone'spotential. Forwomen,alargepartoftheproblemwasthattheserolerestraintssaidasmuchaboulwhat a woman shouldn't be or do as they did about what was expected of her. And it was those "don'ts" that particularly offended women. No oneman or womanwants to have important expressions of his or her personality cut off, held back, or contaminated by embai rassment or shame.Itisasbasicallynatumlandhealthyforwomentoexercisetheirpower andforcefulnessasitisformentoexpresstenderness. Inourexperience, womenwho develop themost vital,interesting, and satisfying relationships with men are those who have learned to express the masculine and feminine aspects of their personalities in the fullest way l>ossible. Women who allow both to be expressed ran be gentle, nurturing, and sexy, as well as firm, aggressive,andforceful. Some women still believe it is the overtly sexy, flirtatious, or submissive woman who is most successfulwithmen.Thisisnottrueatall.Itistruethatsexyorflirtatiousbehaviormaycatcha man'sinterestatfirst,butthathookdoesnotholdforlong.Somethingmorepowerful,basic,and intensehastohappen. What a man is attracted to most deeply in a woman is a magical mixture of unadulterated powerandtendernessinequalmeasure.Manywomenhavefeltitnecessarytohidetheclear expressionoftheirstrengthuntilrecentlyforli.irthatmenwouldbethreatenedbyit,seeIlinnas "ballsy," and be turned off. Fortunately, women said, "The hell with it," and Itegan expressing strengthsandstretchingthemnlvesdespitewhatmenmightthink. Aswomenbrokefreeofrestrictivesexual%irreotypes,astheyenjoyedflexingtheirmusles inpositiveandgrowingways,manyalsoKeramesomewhatselfconsciousabouttheir giving,nurturingsides.InsteadofseeingtheMwonderfulqualitiesassolidpluses,theyfrequently interpretedthemasweaknesses. The fallacyinthis thinking isthatthose characteristics typically associated with women never reflectedweaknessinthefirstplace, Strength,forcefulness,andmasterycan he gainedwithout givingupfemaletenderneaiandconcernwithrelationships.Alltheseattributescancoexist.Itis thisveryrichandcompletecombinationthatisthegreatestandmostlastingturnonformen. There are some women who have alwayi known how to make men fall for them. They have knownitfromthetimetheywerelittlegirls.Theyknowitintuitively,butit'snotlinkedtoasecret gene;it'stheresultofastuteobservationandtheabilitytomakegooduseJthoseobservations. Thesewomenlikebelnjwomen,andtheylikemen.Theyareascomfortablewiththeirsensuality astheyarewiththeirstrength;theytrustintheirtenderingandareconfidentintheirpower. Whatdothesewomenwhocombinestrengthandsoftnesscommunicatetoaman?Whatpie ciselyistheirallure?Hereiswhatdifferentmentoldus: "Mywifeisalsomybestfriend.ThereisnooneI'drathergotoamovieorbeonatrip tviththanher....She'sbeenabetterandflioreloyalfriendthananyoneelse." Women are easier to talk to about personal thingsI don't know whether they are more understanding,orwhetherIjustfeelmorecombillableopeningupwiththem." Ilikewomenwhocanbetendertothetremebutwhodon'tletmegetawaywith"Sything.I like a woman who has the courage ti he direct and forceful and the wisdom to be li'iitle and caring."

IhereasonI'minlovewithCathyisthatltrhasherowncareerandshe'salsovery Hiring withme.IfeelasifIhaveeverything. MI M reallyunderstandswhatit'sliketobeDiftiousatwork eventhoughI'mbasicallyaIflv<onfidentguy." "Iliegreatestturnonformeisawomantylinissmartandknowsit.Shekeepstherelationship alive.IlikelisteningtoherstoriesN IN M I I herjobattheendoftheday.AftertheIt*111.11phaseof arelationship,Iusedtoget U M II Y boredbeingtheonlyonetotalk.There'sHiringmoreboringto methanlisteningtovM<ir Iihinkthebestwomenarebothbrightandliny.Ifyouhaveasenseofhumor,youhaveinnIand youcangetthroughanylifehassles."Iresentwomen'sthinkingthatmenlikeMimics,bimbos,or airheads.Ican'tthinkofanythingmoredepressingthanmeetinginvloverattheendoftheday and not being able to talk about what's happening to me, us, or the world. I need to be just as intellectuallyturnedonwiththewomaninmylifeaswithmymalefriends." "Even though they can be maddening at timet, I love women who are feisty and challenged, They bring out the best in me; I don't get bortj because they keep me a little off guard. I gH hookedonthem,Ifeelalive,Ilovethebant*!andsome,notall,oftheunpredictability."j The combination of these strengths with a softness and empathic caring has an enormoitf impact upon men. Men feel secure with t hit kind of woman, grateful for the sense of part nership,andcaptivatedbyherwarmthIN giving.

TheCouragetoExpressYourself

xpressingstrengthcancreateanxietyMsomewomen,ascanexpressingtendlflness.Research

has shown that some woiitfl may feel very apprehensive about being stroM assertive, or ambitiousbecausetheyfeartliwpowerandautonomywillsomehowcausethrtitoberejected. Ontheotherhand,exprestMwitnesscanbedifficult,too,becausewhenawomangivesofherself freely,sheisexposed,vulnerabletorejection,easilyhurt.Wehavefoundthatunlesswomenare certainoftheiritlength,theywillnotbeconfidentintheirlalitytoavoidoldsubmissivetrapsas theyploretheirownsoftness.ExpressingbothIlengthandsoftnessrequirescourage.(liangeis oftendifficult,foritishardforusletdownourdefenses. Ilie onlywaytoachieveamergeroftheale andfemaleforceswithinisfirsttobeine awareofany possibleinnerconflicts.ai<hinsideandhonestlyaskyourselftheMowing questions:
Io whatdegreedoI fearrejectionforbeingslrong? Io whatextentdoI worryabouttheimpact ofmystrengthonrelationships?How doI thinkamanwouldhandlemy

strengthifIexpresseditfreely?MowangrydoIfeelathavingtoworryaboutIliepossibilityof beingrejectedbyamanlorbeingstrong?How comfortabledoIfeellettingmytenderness showin the presence of a man? Mo I I eel my expressions of nurturance will he taken for granted, or, worse,exploitedbyaman? The answers to these questions should revel certain qualities that are more easily and mofl comfortablyexpressedthanothers.Obviousljthose"others"areimportanttoconcentrateupon and to gradually begin integrating inti yourself. This process requires an attitude ol experimentation and a willingness to activelj distinguish between men's actual reactions t< differentaspectsofyourselfandwhatyouma]inaccuratelyfearmen'sreactionstobe.Tryin(out newanddifferentbehaviorsisnevereai)atfirstbutcanbecomemoresowithpracticlThereward is a release of all the positive energies, excitement, strength, intellect, carin warmth, and friendliness within you so thul you will be free to form relationships will men that are rich and rewarding to the fullent One of the real blocks to new behavior ill feeling of "this is simply not me."Aslongmnewbehavioris*relegatedtothat"notmacategory,itwillbejustthat.Allofus hav( had fleeting fantasies of rewinding the tajn and behaving more freely and confidently 1( a

situationthatmadeusnervous.Inpsychitherapy,that'scalled"visualization,"thegMeralideaof whichisthatyoucannotactin1certainwayunlessyoufirstbelieveyouc|ldoit.Youmustbeable tovisualizeorpicturiyourselfperformingtheaction,likeathletdj whomentallyimaginethemselvesbreakingarecorduntiltheyarefinallyabletodoit. To do the same thing with encounters with lien you need to create a mental picture, too. Imagineyourselfatapartyoronafirstdate,liecreativeanddetailedinpicturingthesettinganda man. Be aware of the warmth and sensi llvlty you may sometimes inhibit for fear of eling too vulnerable; be aware of your power <1 leelings of strength. Visualize yourself doing Ii.it is not usually acomfortable part of your>sttypical ways of relating withmen.Remem r, if youcan't first picture yourself doing <'thing, you definitely won't do it. Conjuring p or visualizing a new imageofoneselfisthemisteptowardactualchange.Iliesecondstepinthislearningprocessis hearsal.InordertoadoptanewstyleofItavioryouhavetoexpressandexperienceIhefirsttime youtryit,itmayseemstilteddwooden.Don'tdespair.It'slikethefirsteyoutriedtodanceor serveatennisball. M I probablyfeltawkwardandembarrassed,ialtersomepracticeitbecame smoothandlural.Repetitionreducesanxiety.Newbevlorsmustbetriedoutbeforetheycanme apermanentpartofourpersonality. INCOMINGSHYNESSAbarrierthateommontomanyofusbutisaspecial obstacletosinglemenandwomenisshyness.Womenwhoaresmartwithmenarenotlesiljshy thanothers,buttheydidmakeadecisionnottoallowtheirshynesstodominatetheir!life. Whenyouarefeelingshy,youarepainfully!selfconscious.Youfeelthewholeworldiistaring atyouinapotentiallycriticalorjudgmentalmanner.Onewaytoovercomethinegativeoutlook istoimaginethatthearrowijofenergyyoufeelarepointedatyouarreversedthattheyare comingfromyouandaredirectedtowardothers.Ataparty,whenyouwalkintotheroom,takea deep breath and look around at other peoplestraight in th* eye. Some people will look away becausethcy^alsoareshy;butotherswillcontinuetolookbecausetheyareinterestedinyou. Youwillappearselfconfident,and,mostimportant,youwillbegintofeelmoreselfassuredand stronger, TALKINGTOMENAnotherimportantaspectoffullexpressionhastodowithtlirwayawoman typicallytalkstomen.Aswfmentionedearlier,womenoftennoticethaiwhenamanwalksintoa roomwheretheyarthavingaconversationwithanotherwoman,therearesubtlebutsignificant changesiQJposture,bodylanguage,evenwords.Thenchangesareobviouslyrelatedtohabitand mil<(inception,notnecessity.Initially,theycomefromtheselfconsciousnessofadolescenceand iheobservationofhowothergirlsalteredtheirbehaviorwhenboyswerearound.Thesechanges Inbehaviorareoftenrelatedtowhatsomewomenthinkisappealingtomen. Partofawoman'slearninghowtoexpressherownuniqueselfmorefullymayinvolvelearning howtotalktomeninadifferentfashioninthecandid,"unedited"wayshebilkwithherwomen friends.Menlovewomenwhocanberelaxedandopenwiththem.Butitrequirescouragetotrust that a revelation of how you think and feel is valuable, interesting, Miid acceptable to men. A woman'strustinIni.elfandlikingofherselfhavetheeffectof n a l v i n g menfeelcomfortableso thattheyaremorelikelytorevealthemselvesinhonest,undefendedways. I henexttimeyouarewithaman,simplyheaware(withoutactingdifferently)ofwhatHfnn mighthavetalkedaboutandhowyou(flighthaveexpressedithadhebeenawomanIfliteadofa man. You may be surprised at how Imiiiently you leave things out or in other w a y s significantly modifyyourspontaneityortheiompletenessofyourexpressions. livdoingthis,awomancanbecomeacquaintedIIhanytendencyshemayhavetocensoror II whatsherevealsor,probablyevenmoreimportant,canrealizewhatshedoesn'trevealto men.Thefullexpressionofselfcanpowerfullyeffectapositivechangeinevencasualinteractions withmen.

CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

WhatSmartWomenKnow

here are smart women who are also very smart with men. We have already examined ihr variousbeliefsandexpectationsthatmust IN reevaluatedtoenablewomentodiminishIhe likelihoodofmakingfoolishchoices.Nowwewouldliketoexplorethe"winning''attitudesthatwe believearepossessedbywomenwhomakesmartchoices.

T
9

TheAdventureofCourtship
1 1herearebasiccourtingbehaviorsthatLevolvenotnecessarilyfromourconscious minds, but fromyearsorevencenturiesof conditioning.Whetherinstinctualornot,on*factisclear:Themaleandfemaleofthspecieshave alwayspursuedeachother,ofteninstudiedorritualizedways.Forinstance,ithasbeentheorized thatduringthetimeoftheancientEgyptians,therealfunctionofwomen'*makeupwastoentice men.Eyemakeupwaithoughttocreatetheillusionofdilatedpupil*1andlipsticktheillusionofa flush,both ofl which occur during sexual arousal.Many dif ferent forms of courting behavior or mating j rituals have stood the test of time. From elements of appearance to elements of posturing^toelementsofmorecomplexlyorganizedbehavior,courtingisstillprimarilyprimitive anilemotional. The smart woman is aware of this. Women who manage to get the man they want do nol dismiss or ignore the deeprooted and primi tive ways of attraction, enticement, and arousal, Instead, they take pleasure in them and evolve their own particular style of partaking in these rituals.Thesmartwomanviewsdatingandfindingmenasakindofadventure. One of the questions women most frequently ask us is "How do I learn to flirt?" Perhapi this seemslikeasillyquestion,butit'snot,andit'sdefinitelynotaskedbysillywomen,Thesewomen are really asking what it is that some women do that seems to attract men, litis behavior is generally characterized as flirting" behavior. Obviously, it is not our task to prescribe particular ways of acting, nor would that even be useful, because the essence of flirting is simply the communicationofanAltitude.Andthosewomenwhoembracethenotionofdatingandcourting asapositiveordelightfulexperienceeasilycommunicatethatplayfulandreceptiveattitudetothe mentheymeet. Janice, a 29yearold businesswoman, observes, "I used to dread dating. I used to stay in relationshipslongaftertheywereinterestliiKorevengoodformejusttoavoidbeingout there againinthesingleworld.I realizedI feltnervousdatingandmeetingnewpeopleeven ihough ina businessmeetingI couldbetoughandoutgoing.Ifinallylearnedagreattrickhow toreinterpret nervousnessasexcitement,which,atleastforme,itreallyis.NowIlookforwardtomeetingnew men,andI'vereally iunit toenjoythatwonderfulunspokeninterplaythathappenswhenIfinda manI'mattiae tedto." When courtship is viewed as an adventure, tmtain selfdefeating tendencies diminish. For i sample,sooftentoday,bothmenandwomenhaveamisguidednotionthattheyshouldimedlately

be accepted for who they are and at therefore they "should" be uncompromising and unaccommodatingduringtheinitialstagesofdating.Naturally,thisrigidityprevents"chemistry" from occurring. Chemistry describes fitting or being in "sync" with each other, and it tends to happenwhenmenandwomenareopenandadventuresomeratherthanrigid. Naomi,a34yearoldfilmeditor,says,"I'vestoppedbeingsodefensivewithmen.Itused tobe thatwhenI'dmeetaguy,Iwouldgoinleadingwithmychin,determinednottol><compromised in any way. I always came away feeling like I was respected but not much else, After I stopped preparingforbattle,Irelaxed,themanrelaxed,andIstartedreallyenjoyingmyself." Smart men and smart women allow an easy flow to occur when they first meet each other Being relaxed, open, and receptive is not a violation of one's integrityit's just being smart. omenwhogenuinelylikemensomehow

Finding"TakesInitiative tune; she creates it. She has learnedthai unless she has fun during the search it won'I turn out well.Exploringnewexperienceswiththeoppositesexcanbeexcitingandstimulating!infact,the wholeprocesscanbeanendinThesmartwomandoesn'twaitforgoodfotItselfwithoutone's becomingundulyapprehensiveabouteventualoutcomes. Manywomenfindithelpfultodateoften,rvenwiththosemenwhoareonlymildlyinteresting to them at first. This helps reduce the nervousness which often accompanies meeting someone who arouses strong interest and M I traction. The more contacts women have, the greater the range of experience and the more ease they feel during these adventures. Being Mngle today requires this kind of open attitude. Meeting the right person is a numbers gamea matter of probabilities. Smartwomenunderstandthatmeetingaman doesnotinvolvesimplybeinginthe"rightplace at the right time." It requires creating those situations. These women assume an active role in designing their lives in such a way us to enhance their chances of coming in con taet with interesting men. They initiate con VII sations and communicate interest when they leel it, not holdingbackandwaitingforthemantotakethefirststep.Whilesomemencanhethreatenedor turnedoffbytheintensityofnoniewomen'sinitialinterest,mostareflatIrredandputateaseby signsofawoman'sattraction. Womenwhoaresuccessfulwithmenbroadentheirattractionstandardsandgooutwithmany different types. They know that the more men they go out with, the more relaxed and sponta neoustheybecome.Frequencyofdatingisasurecurefornervousness. MenLikeWomenWhoLikeMen communicatethisfeeling,andtheyfindthattheirwarmth,interest,andacceptancearethebest catalyst for creating chemistr v , One simple definition of "chemistry" is the sense of delight one feelsinthepresenceofanotherperson.Therearewomenwhobelievetheymustlikemenmerely because they know they do not dislike or hate them. Obviously this is not enough. Nor is it sufficientmerehto"need"men.Youmustactuallyliketheminordertocreateanattractiveaura. Thiscertainlydoesn'tmeanyouwilllikeallmen,butsmartwomenwhowantpotentialpartnersto feelcomfortablewiththemhavelearnedthatitisimportanttodevelopanoverallenjoymentand appreciationoftheoppositesex. Wefindthatmostwomenhavenotthoughtinanydetailaboutwhetherornottheylikemen. Forwomenwhowishtoassessthemselvelinthisarea,herearesomequestionstothinkabout: Grantedthatmenareverydifferentfromwomen,doIlikethosedifferences? WhatspecificallydoIlikeaboutmen? Domenneedtobeaparticularwayformetolikethem?Whatwayorways? IsthereanythingIdon'tlikeaboutmen?Ifso,whatspecifically? DoIlikemenorsimplyneedthem? IlowcomfortabledoIfeelinthecompanyofmenwhoarenotpotentialpartners? DoIhavefunwithmenandenjoyspendingtimewiththem?

If in answering these questions, you have difficulty separating liking and enjoying men from merelyneedingthem,youhavesomeworktodo.Inorderto"like"men,itisnecessaryto M ,< beyondfearsandidealizations.Youhaveto beyondyourowninsecurities.Inshort,you ivetolearntoacceptmen. Acceptance is a critical prerequisite to liking; liking follows emotional acceptance rather than preceding it. Smart women like men after iliey demystify them. They are able to do the Iuiier because they have developed a clear sense ill I heir own needs. Essentially, their emotional life doesn'tpreventthemfromseeingmenclearly. Onecommonblocktoacceptingandlikingmenisalackofunderstanding.Manywomen don'treallyunderstandmenandthereforefinditdifficulttoestablishagenuineandcomfortable likingofthem.Whilewomenfrequentlythinktheyunderstandmen,muchofwhatthev"know"is determinedbymyth,cliche,andstereotype.Itisdifficultformenandwomentounderstandone another fully, for it is often threatening for us to either see the full, un adorned picture or to reveal it to ourselves, For many people, it is easier to view others ill convenient but overgeneralizedandinaccuratestereotypes. Men play an active and selfdefeating pari in perpetuating male stereotypes and mythol ogy. They don't typically present themselve s as needing or wanting to be understoodeven though they do. Their own insecurities aie directed toward preventing women from seeing too much whichwouldthreatenanduncleiminetheirownbeliefsystemsaboutmasculinity. What many women fail to understand about men lies in the area of male vulnerability and sensitivities which we have already explored This area includes important unspoken feari of helplessnessandpassivity,ofentrapment,ofdependency,andofnotbeingabletoliveup tothe woman'sidealizedimageoftheman. Menneedtobeliked,loved,andrespectedinspiteoftheirvulnerabilities.Thosemeflf whosensearealacceptanceandunderstandingofthemandthelikingthatfollowsalongMiurn thatcareandrespecttothewomenwhogiveit.

MenRespondtoSensitivity
ncesmartwomendeveloparelationship,howdotheykeepitalive?First,theyliavclearned howtocreateacontextinwhichiI kmancanallowhisneedstoemergeandbeinpressed within the relationship. Whether men admit it or not, most of them enjoy needing a woman. Having established this most basic IhHid, these women understand how to sustain (lie positive "tension"sonecessarytokeeplelationshipsalive. Intheinitialstagesofarelationship,aman mayholdbackincertainwaysuntiltrustdevrlops, eventhoughhereallydoeswantanIntimatepartner.Mostmentodayexperience.irieatdealof stress and pressure. They need umieone to talk to, someone with whom they leel comfortable unburdening themselves. But \shen men are under pressure, much of their liilk c an be tedious andrepetitiouseventhoughtinvthemselvesareafraidofbeingseenaswhlnyandcomplaining. So when men find Women who listen and can understand them, these women are found to be irresistible.Menwanttobewithwomenwithwhomtheycanexpressthemselvesopenlyandfeel nodangeiofbeingjudgedharshly. Somewomenarewaryofamanwhoneedstounburdenhimself.Suchwomencanbeafraidthat thistypeofmancouldbeweakandthuunabletoreciprocatewhenherneedsarepresiing.Inthe initial part of a relationship thi should not be cause for concern, since there i plenty of time to assess aman's strengthsand weaknesses.Itisprobablymoreimportantto beawareoftheman whodoesnotexpresshi*concerns,forhetypicallyisunabletotrustothers. |4 Cameron,a35yearoldsoundengineer,describesacurrentrelationship:"UntilImetCarolyn,I alwaysheldbackwithwomenIdon'tknowwhetherIreallyhadto,butIfeltlikeIhadto,andthe netresultwasthesamf,WithCarolynit'salldifferent.I'mnotsurrexactlywhatshedoesthat'sall that different, but I can talk to her about anything. I can't tell you what a relief it is to find a womanIcanactuallyopenuptoandbemyselfwith."

Whensheiswithaman,thesmartwomanoftenlistenstowhatisgoingonbeneaththe words intheirconversations.Frequentlyathrowawayline,orperhapssomegrumblingaboutwork,isin truth an attempt on the part of a man to reveal something that is deeply troubling him. When anyone,manorwoman,experiencescareerproblems,fearsoffailure,orfinancialanxieties,the concern is not a superficial one. The man who sees a woman as someone he knows will understandandbehelplulfeelsblessedandisnotlikelytolookelsewheretogethisneedsmet. Whether it be career concerns or cues picked up about other areas of worry, insecurity, or vulnerability,menappreciateawoman'ssenMiivityandacceptance.Weallneedtofeelatrase with as many facets of our personality and life situation as possible. Sensitivity to eaeli other, particularlyinareasofintimatepersonalconcern,isawonderfulgift.

VitalRelationships:TheParadoxofRomanticTensionandLove
inherearesomeimportantdifferencesbe1tweenmenandwomenwhenitcomestoromance. Though not consciously, men tend to divide relationships into the courting and capture phases. Those behaviors associated with i nurtship diminish after the capture. Men are romantic during the hunt and can be wonderfullycharming,thoughtful, and sensitive.Their attentionto detailis heightenedduringthitime.Theyaremoresensitivetoawoman'feelingsandneedsandmaysend herflower oralovingcardthedayafteraromanticdat Butafterthecapture,whentheysensetl woman cares, they change. They subtly but definitely shift their focus away from romanc and toward security, trust, and closeness. Th. once again turn back to the world and the work for attentionandexcitement,andthidriftawayfromtheintensityofromance. Women tend to be different. They want r<* mance to continue and are disappointed when it ceases. Women often feel "taken for granted91by men when romantic behavior fades. While for mostmenromanceisameanstoanend,tomanywomenitisanendinitself.Mostwomendon't feeldiscomfortwithromance;theylovnit.Men,ontheotherhand,areanxioustogolbeyondthe pursuitsotheycanstopworrying*relax,andenjoytherewardsofvictory.Wherealwomentendto equatepursuitwithlove,menequatenothavingtopursuewithlove! Whatadilemma!Istherenohopefor rcmance?Ofcoursethereis.Acommittedrelationship neednotbealifewithoutpassiono:theunexpected.Ifyouareawomanwhowant;tokeepaman behaving in a romantic fashi< or to rekindle that active interest, don't pu him to go to more musicalsoronthatintimatepicnic.Ifyoukeeppushinghim,youwillprobablysucceedinmaking himfeelpressuredandKuilty,butyousurelyaren'tgoingtogethimtoleelmoreromantic.Evenif he gives in and dutifully brings home a dozen roses from the florist shop, it will be mere compliance.Andihesmartwomanknowsthatcomplianceisan<nemyofromance.Thesmart thing to do is simply to allow him to enjoy being loved. Interpret his diminished need to be romanticas.1compliment,asahallmarkofhistrustandbeliefinyourlove. "Who cares about how he feels, how computable he is? I want romance!" Well, there is n solution.Yourfirststepistounderstandandmasteranimportantpsychologicallawthat.mart women knowpartial reinforcement. Par Hal reinforcement means rewarding a person lor certainbehaviorsomeofthetimebutnot all thetime.Ifalaboratoryratisrewardedwithafeed pelleteverytimehepressesabar,lt<willworkquitehard.Buthewillworkmuchharderatbar pressing if he is rewarded only at odd intervals. Uncertainty causes him lo work harder. He will presslikeademonifI M doesn'tknowexactlywhenhewillberewarded. I'ncertaintyalsoworkswithmen.Forexampleawomanwhobreaksdateswithamana couple of times or comes home late and is slightly vague will drive him absolutely nuts. The uncertaintyitstimulatesinhimwouldmotivatehimtoreembarkonromanticventures. Remember, for men romance is goaloriented behavior, a time when men are uncertain of a woman's feelings toward them. The key word is "uncertainty." During this time men arc most concernedwithhowtheylook,whatthey weigh,howtheydress.Whenmenareuncertain,they shave on weekends, dress more carefully, and invest in aftershave lotion. And, of course, most important,whenmenareuncertain,theyfindthemselvesbecomingmoreromantic.
9

One woman says, "I've learned that thebest way to ensure romantic behavior frommen is to keepthemjusteversoslightlyoffbalance.I'malittlelessavailablethanInormallywouldbeorI'll goouttoamoviewithafriendmaybeevenhaveadrinkafterward,andwhenIgethomebejusta i>itvague.Ireallydolove themanI'mwith,andIwouldn'tdoanything tohurtorbetrayhim.But it'sfuntokeep11littlemysteryintherelationship.Hesayshrhatesit,butheactslikehelovesit." Now, you may consider all this to be somr silly game you don't want to play. Whyshould you havetocreateuncertaintytosparkinterestfromaman?Whyshoulditbeyourobligaliontokeep therelationshipmagicalandalive?Well,it'snotyourobligation,andyouneedn'tdoanyofthis. Certainlyitwouldbeidealifyouandthemaninyourlifecouldsitdownandtelleachotherwhat you need and expect io get. But in the real world, unfortunately, ihings don't always work that way.Therereallyisnothingwrongwithviewingthedancebetweenmenandwomenasinvolving somestrategy.Wearenotspeakingofmanipulativebehaviorbutaboutmatingrituals.Smartmen and women keep each other both interested and stimulated. Smart women do not allow themselvestobelulledintoforgettingthereisibalanceofease,security,andtensionthatkeepsa relationshipalive. Having accepted that uncertainty, in varying degrees, is invaluable in a relationship, what are thewaysinwhichthis attitudecanInimplemented?Thekeyconceptisnotlosing sightof your own sense of autonomy and self reliance. When a woman out of love, habit, or need begins to moldorshapeherlifestylearoundtheman,nomatterhowlovinghermotivation,shehasavery specific effect on him. He doesn't have to wonder about herhe experiences no uncertainty. Whilecertaintycanfeelreassuringsomeofthetime,italsomeanshiswondermentandcuriosity aboutherwillbegintowane. Wewouldliketopresentsomesuggestionsthatleadtopositiveoutcomesbutwhichstillallow the woman to maintain her own individuality even while continuing to stimulate curiosity and intrigue in a man. The following are behaviors and attitudes that can maintain that marvelous tensionbetweenloveanduncertainty. TRUSTINGANDEXPRESSINGONESELFGettoknowyourownlikesanddislikes,andmakesureto bringthemintotherelationship.Whenamanexperiencesthisinawoman,itmakeshimfeelshe's uniqueandstimulating enoughsothatasenseofsurpriseandinterest willbemaintainedintheir relationship. Men tell us that women's needs for them to "take charge" and be the initiator can ultimately I K * burdensome. So remember to please yourself, not just the man. Don't make him the central focus. When a man feels he's the focus, it i* momentarily flattering, but ultimately boring.Themoreconfidentandselfassuredaperson,themoreinterestingheis.Today,menoften express a sense of tedium at hearing theirown "stories" over and over. For example, Bobnote* howseldomhisdateswillchangetheflowofconversation."I'msurprisedhowoftenwomenseem to feel that asking about my life and career is interesting. I really enjoy women who like to talk abouttheirinterestsanddreams." I'HIVACYISNOTBADToomuch"openinss"canbeaturnoff.Respectforone'sprivacydoes not preclude intimacy. Endless 'honest and open" dialogues about the way you feel about each othercanevenservetothsguiseafearofseparateness.Further,theyanconstrictanddilutethat special joy of owly getting to know each other. Privacy, fact, can provide reservoirs of future knowlKeabouteachotherthatservetomaintainaM useofnewness.Gradualrevelationsofour Elvesservetoenhancepositivetensionanditthtenthepromiseofmutualdiscoveries,anymenfind theyareintriguedbywomenhomaintainareasofprivacy. JNTAINING INSECURITY It is im 11 ant to contain, to some degree, your insecur ly and your needforsecurity.Wehavecoveredl l i i s elsewherebutitbearsrepeating.Mencan I overwhelmedbythesedisclosures,anddetfuluncertaintybecomesreplaced,intheir inds, by becoming certain they will be defied or drained. Men are relieved when men feel confident and desirable enough so i they are not anxiously and prematurely aluating the man's potentialforcommitment II marriage. AINTAININGSEPARATEINTERESTSSharingcommoninterestsisvaluableinany

relationship, but too much togetherness can be dull. Separate interests lead to separate expe* riences, and it is these separate experiencei that create newness and stimulation. While wr all desireamatetoappreciateandenjoywhat isspecialtous,itisalsoexcitingtobeledintfcnew experiences. AVOIDING THE ROUTINE Ruts occur when we let ourselves down, when we don't allow the unexpected to emerge in our convn sations or what we do. Experimentation and risktaking preventtheonsetofthatdreaded kissofdeathpredictability.Sotakeachanetv throwyourselfa curveballinrelatingtoaman.Trustthathisbeingoffbalancecanl><intriguingandchallengingto him.Asoneman putit,"IactuallyloveitthatjustwhenI thoughtIreallyknewher,shecomesup with.totallyunexpectedpointofvieworinterest." Ifwehadtoexpressthesesuggestionsinanequation,itwouldgosomethinglikethis:Beingyour ownperson=Notworryingwhattheman thinks=Spontaneity=Unpredictability*Uncertainty= Therightamountofvitaltensionandlovewhichservestoenlivenrelationships. MenDoCommit# here is a myth that men today run from commitment. We believe this is nonsense. Just as womendo,morementhaneverbeforewantinvolvementandmarriageincludingmenwho have been married before. In fact, those previously iihirried men typically don't stay single for long.Whatmayappeartowomenasresistance Incommitmentinmenisactuallyathinveneerof cautionmen today are as eager as women are to enter into intimate relationships employing traditionalvalues.Wealldesirealies!(orourselves,andsmartwomenknowthisappliestomenas wellastothemselves. 11 has been our experience that one of the mote poorly understood aspects of a man's bond Williawomanishisneedforher.Inhisownway.hemayattempttohideitordisguiseitin (topes shewillnotnotice.Inturn,somewomen feeldiscomfortwithaman'sdependency,a laetwhich maycausehimtodisguisetheintensityofhisneedforher.Thenetresultistint!manywomenare not fully aware of male dependency and as a result do not realize the (Verage and power they possess.Totheextentiliatyoumayneedtoseethemaninyour P I J I S powerfulandcapableof protectingyou,youmaybeblindtohisneedforyou.Fewmmwillsay,"Ican'tlivewithoutyou." Yetthemajoritywhoaredeeplyinvolvedwithawomanactuallyfeelthatway.Youmayhavemet <tmanwhodidn'tseemtofitthispattern.Butthesemenmayhavedisengagedaftertheywer* nagged or cajoled for months or years to make1a commitment. And just as quickly they fell for someoneelse.Thatisnothowyoudoit,Youdon'tnag,complain,orgetangry.Youhavetobe firminawaythatcomesfromyourheart. Tessa,a36yearoldbankloanofficer, W J I I convincedthatLarry,amanwithwhomsh|hadbeen involved for nearly two years, wouhl never make a final decision to marry her. I In had been marriedpreviously,ashadshe,hutheseemedmorescarredfromtheexperienceandcontinued tohavepainfulandfrustratinginteractionswithhisexwife,usuallyinvolvingtheirtwochildren. TessawasoutwardlypatientandunderstandingwithLarry,loggiii||countlesshoursoflisteningto himexpressIn*concerns,frustrations,andangers.TessaaliofeltlovedbyLarry,whowaswarm, affection*ate,andgivingineveryareaexceptwhenItcametothatfinalgifthiscommitmentto her She was aware that her patience was sliding toward the edge of annoyance and disbeln I even thoughshedidunderstandthereasonIlorhiscautionandneedto"besureandnotmakeanother mistake."AsTessarecalls,"ItoldhimIwasatthepointwhereIknewithadtomoveforwardorI wasgoingtostartresentinghim,andIlovedhimtoomuchtoletthathappen.Istartedtocry,and sodidLarry.Iarryknewthiswasn'tathreathesawmypainandtheimpendingnegativeturn ourrelationshipwouldtake.Adaylater,hetoldmelie wantedtogetmarried." Smart women can reduce a man's resistance by giving him a positive ultimatum. "Listen, you son of abitch, theparty's over"is not what wemean here.That's athreat fueled by anger and frustration. A positive ultimatum goes something like this: "I feel we've been together long enough to make a permanent commitment. I love you and I want us to be togetheralways. I

knowyou'reunsure,butIwantyoutomakeadecisionwithinthreemonths.I'msayingthisoutof loveandadeuretokeepthingsaswonderfulastheyare.Otherwise,I'llbemiserable,beginto nag you, andmake both of uscrazy, andthen our lelationship will sour." When you feel a rela tionshipisterrificandyou'vebeentogetherlongenoughtoknowthathedoestoo,youmayhave tobetheonewhogetshimtomakesomeimportantdecisions. Sometimesultimatumsarenecessary,andtheyareeffective.Mendon'tletgoofwomenthey loveandneed.Theyrunawayfromwomenwhocomplainandgrindaway.DoitcleanlyIt'snot brinkmanship,it'sreality.Don'tletyourcherishedrelationshipbeerodedbybilternessorpassive wishfulthinking.

TheSmartWomanIsResponsibleforHerOwnExperience

hesmartwomanknowssheisresponsibleforherexperienceinthisworld.Sherfusestobea

victim.Sheworkshardatgettinwhatshewantsandneeds. The smart woman is strong and expects men to be able to deal with that strength. She ha learned to communicate her needs early in tin relationship, and if she sees the match as not fulfilling, she moves on.She doesn'thang oni<misery orempty promises.The smart womanis notsittingathomestaringatthephonehopingitwillring.Shegoesafterwhatsh<wants. The smart woman likes herself, feels com for table with herself, and likes men and her experienceswiththem.Sheunderstandsthoroughlythatsheisapowerfuldeterminantinwhat happenswithmenandherself.Shein notangryordistrustfulofindividualmen.Itather,sheletseachexperiencedetermineafreshnew response.Shedoesn'texpectperfeciIoninamanorinherself.Shecanjoinwithamanfullyand withthetotalexpressionofherpersonality.Butshenevermakesamanthe < <nterofherexistence,forshehasherownrenter. Thesmartwomanembracesherfemininityandsexuality.Sheisnotafraidtobesexy,forshe understandsitspowertoattract.Hersexualityisnotselfconscious;itcomesfromwithinandis organic.Itisnotarolesheputson;itisamanifestationofherfreedomandtrustinthepleasure ofbeingawomanandfeelingwomanly. Ihesmartwomanmovestowardexperience.11isn'tthatshedoesnothaveconcerns,inse < iirities,oranxieties;shesimplyhasdecidednottoletthemdominateher.Herorientation Utowardunderstanding,notblaming.Ifsheexperiencesasetback,shetriestomakesenseofit, thenmovesforwardinherlife. Thesearesomeofthecorecomponentsof whatsmartwomenknow.Theyseekapathtoward relationshipsthatdemandpersonalreiponsibilityandclarityfromthemselves.Themartwoman knowsthatallofusareenteringanewtimewherewearediscoveringareinwedsenseofdelight inandappreciationfortunhother.

RulesforFindingtheRightMan

nconcludingthisbook,wewouldliketo presentabriefreviewofthefundamentsrulesthatwe believeawomanmustfullyunderstandandacceptinordertostopmakin

foolishchoicesandtogetsmarterwithmen.
*

RULENUMBERONETherearenoperfeetmen. Theperfectmanisaromanticfiction.IIdoesn'texist.Butthereisawondroussupplofreallysolid menoutthere.ThedesiretoIsweptawaybyaPrinceprobablyderivesfroichildhoodhungerfor Daddy. RULENUMBERTWOExcitingmencmmakewomenmiserable. Womenwhoconfuselongingwithlovewillpayaterribleprice,becausesomemenareafraidof genuineintimacy. HULENUMBERTHREEReformingamanisusuallyfutile. Women havemore rewarding thingstodo withtheirlivesthan make theirlovers alifetime "project." HULENUMBERFOURGrowingupmeansgivingupDaddy. Men want an adult lover, a friend and Partnernot a surrogate daughter. Childlike ni manipulativewomendrivemostmenaway. HULENUMBERFIVEAngerscaresmen<>tl Womenwhostartnewloveaffairsfilledwith..Mangersandresentmentsturnmenoff.

IllIFNUMBERSIXNomancangiveawomanselfesteem. Mendon'twanttobecountedontorescuewomenorbetheirsalvation.Whentheyex |ttheirmatestovalidatetheirselfworthasitmanbeings,womensetthemselvesupforhiiKt disappointment,andbitterness.

IllIINUMBERSEVENManygoodmenunnoticed. People'sbestqualitiesusuallyrevealthemselvesovertime.Menwith"flash"maybeintriguing atfirst,buttheyfrequentlycannotgiveawomansustainedemotionalnourishment. RULENUMBEREIGHTFewerexpectationsleadtogreateraliveness. An open, nonjudgmental attitude allows for delightful surprises in life. Men are wary of disguisedexpectations,andrigid"supposedto's"chokerelationships. RULENUMBERNINEFullyrealmdwomenarestrongandtender. V Strengthmingledwithtendernessisamagiccombination.Thesmartwomanfeelsgoodabout herwomanliness.Shetrustsherstrengthandpowerenoughtoallowhertendernesstemerge. RULENUMBERTENmThegamecourtshipisdelightful. Women who get the men they want don't fight mating rituals; rather they enjoy court ship withinthecontextoftheirownparticubustyle. RULE NUMBER ELEVEN "Finding" takes initiative. The smart woman doesn't wait for good

for

tune,shecreatesit.Shelearnstoenjoytheprocessofcourtingwithoutunduefocusoneventual outcomes. ItULENUMBERTWELVEMenlikewomenwholikemen. If you allow yourself to let men know you like them, they will sense it. This warmth and acceptanceisthebestcatalystforcreatingchemistry.

MILENUMBERTHIRTEENWomenwhoreallylistenareirresistible. Kveniftheydon'tadmitit,mostmenenjoyneedingawoman.Theyneedsomeonetotalk I n , someone with whom they feel comfortable unburdening themselves, with no danger of being judgedharshly. M I L E NUMBERFOURTEENRomanlietensionkeepsrelationshipsalive. In a relationship, we are most alive when we tlon't take our mate for granted. A little uncer taintykeepsmenstimulatedandinterested. M U M NUMBERFIFTEENMendowantIncommit.
11isamyththatmendon'tcommittorelationships;theyonlyappearthatway.AsmartWomanisawarethat theshockofanultimaturnmaybewhatisneededtomakeamanaware.

RULENUMBERSIXTEENWomenareresponsiblefortheirownexperience. ThesmartwomanisawarethatshecanereateherowndestinyandthusworkshardLitwhat shewantsandneeds. Making smart choicesavoiding the wrong men and finding the right onesrequires a worn to have the courage to challenge within herself the beliefs and expectations that, while unde standable,mayhaveservedtonarrowherv.sionandopportunities.Wehavefoundtheserules, when implemented, have a liberatin effect and can enable a woman to create exp riences with menthatarerefreshingaswellafulfilling.
APPENDIX

QuizzesandTests

PatternsofRelationshipQuiz

Putdownonpaperthenamesofthelastfive(ormostimportantfive)menwithwhomyouhave beenromanticallyinvolved.Usingthelistofadjectivesbelow,writeinthosethatbestcharacterize themen,intwocolumnsforeachman. In the first column, list the adjectives that de *eribe how you saw him in the beginning. In the neeondcolumn,listtheadjectivesthatbestdeleribehimattheendoftherelationship. adventurousaffluent aKtfressive altruistic anxious apologetic apprehensive argumentative blunt bold calm carefreecautious

changeable clever compliant compromising critical


SMARTWOMEN/FOOLISH conventional impulsive CHOICES secretive selfconscious sensitive shy selfsacrificing stern strict stimulating stubborn skeptical sophisticated subtle suspicious suggestible talkative thrifty temperamental tough tender unassuming uncomplaining vain unpretentious witty worldly

cynical inventive defensive intellectual defiant inoffensive demanding lighthearted dependent mellow domineering methodical doubting mild dynamic modest egotistical moralistic emotional ordinary excitable opinionated extravagant outspoken extroverted overeager forceful overcritical forward polished funny prudent guarded philosophical happygoluckypessimistic headstrong prominent humble provocative hurried religious idealistic reserved impatient restless impersonal scrappy

Now,foreachmanlisted,forceyourselftochooit onlyoneresponseforeachrelationship.Write thulentryunderhisname. 1.Looks a. Average,plain b. Rugged,masculine


c. Unusuallooking d. Handsome e. Cute,boyish

1.Masculineposturea.Machoveneer,butmore flexibleunderneathitI).Rigidlymasculine c. Neithermasculinenorfeminine d. Abitfeminine i.Familybackgrounda.LowermiddleclassI).Middleclass(.Uppermiddleclass IEducationa.HighschoolI).Collegedegreec.Graduateorprofessionaldegree VWork a. Salariedemployee b. Professional (.Selfemployed fIncomeaUnder$30,000b$30,000to$60,000iOver$60,000

7. a. b. c. d. e. 8. a. b. c. d. 9. a. b. c. d. 10. a. b. c.

Meeting Metthroughwork Metthroughfriends Accidentalorchancemeeting Barorsinglesevent Other(specify) FutureOrientation Neitherofuswerefutureorientedabouttherelationship Hewas,Iwasn't. Iwas,hewasn't. Bothofuswerefutureoriented. Caring Hecaredmoreforme. Icaredmoreforhim. Therewerenostrongfeelingseitherway. Caringwasstrongandequal. Commonalityofinterests Littleincommon Somethingsincommon Greatdealincommon

11. Values a. Greatlydissimilarvalues b. Littlesimilarityinvalues c. Somevaluesincommon d. Mostvaluesthesame 12.Intensityofneed a. Therewaslittleintenseneedoneitherpart. b. Ineededhimmore. c. Heneededmemore. d. Webothneededeachotherstrongly. IDepthoflovea.Ilovedhimmore,h.Helovedmemore. 14.Commitment a. Hewasmorecommitted. b. Iwasmorecommitted. 1I,Change a. Weacceptedeachotherfairlywell. b. 1wantedhimtochangeinimportantways. <Hewantedmetochangein importantways.11Bothofushadmajor complaintsandwishesfortheothertochange. Ilowearlywastroubledetected?rtIknewfromearlyonthattherelationshipwouldn'twork. Wehadalongperiodduringwhicheverythingworkedwell. Ididn'tknowuntiltheendthattherewasanythingwrong. 17. a. b. c. 18. a. Howlongdidyoustayknowingitwouldn'twork? IleftassoonasIknew. Ileft,butnotnearlyassoonasIshouldhave. Istayedmuchtoolong. Thebreakup Iprecipitatedthebreakup.

b. c.

Hedid. Itwasbasicallyamutualdecision. Now,lookforthepatterns, similarities,andwhatyoulearnedfromthemen and aboutyourself fromeachrelationship. LoveAddictionTestAnswerthefollowingquestionstrueorfalse: True F.iUr 1. I don't seem to find myself I I very 4'good company"orenjoyspendingtimealonewhenIhavefreeevenings. 2. Whensomeoneinquiresaboutmylovelife,Isometimesfeeluncomfortablelettinghim knowIam available. 3. Ifindmyselfdaydreamingalotaboutmen,particularlythe onesIcan'thave. 4. Eventhoughit'shardtoadmit,Iknowtheonlythingthat couldevermakemetrulyhappyis havingaman. 5. MostofthetimeI'mnotabletoenjoygoingouttoeatortothe moviesalone. 6. IworryabouttheamountoftimeIspendfantasizingabout
men.

7. ItendtoavoidgoingtosocialgatheringswhenIknowalmostall thepeopletherewillbecouples. H.I'mawarethatwhenI'minvolvedwithamanit'stheonlytimeI feelsecureinside. Even though it annoys my friends, I'm likely to change plans with them if I get a lastminuteinvitationfromaman.
10.1knowIspendmuchtoomuchtimedevisingplansandstrategiesdesignedto"getaman." 11. My feeling of selfworth and general wellbeing really goes up when I have a man in my life and dips sharplywhenIdon'thaveamanaround. 12. Whenitcomestomen,"thegrassalwaysseemstobegreener"andI'mneverreallysatisfied. 13. I'maninsatiablereaderofromancenovels. 14. Iseemtofindmyselfmovingfromoneinfatuationtoanother. 15. Ihatetoadmitit,butIfindthatyearningforamanismuchmoreinterestingandromanticthanfeeling sureofaman'slove. 16. Somehowmylifeneverreallyseemsokayunlessthereisamantoshareitwith. 17.1feelmuchmoreexcitedwhenI'mdoingthelovingthanwhenamanisgoingoutofhiswaytoloveme.


ri

Tf'It
18.1loseinterestinmyworkandevenotheractivitiesthatarenormallyimportanttomewhenI'mnot involvedwithaman. 19. TheonlytimeIeverreallyfeelaliveiswhenI'mwithaman. 20. Idowantalastingrelationshipandtosettledown.ButeverytimeImeetthemanwhom Ithinkthatwillhappenwith,Ifindonethingoranotherabouthimthatseemstoturnmeoff.

ci

SCORINGANDINTERPRETINGTHETESTAddupalloftheitemsmarkedTrue. 0 Trueitems:Ifnoneoftheitemsweremarked 1 rue,youhaveahealthywayoflookingatyourselfindependentofyourrelationshipswithmen.Youshowno tendencytowardloveaddiction.

13Trueitems:IfyoumarkedevenoneitemTrue,youplacesomeexcessiveconcern,importance,orneed
upontheideaofhavingamaninyourlife.Youdohavesomeofthewarningsignsofbecominguloveaddict.

Trueitems:IfyoucheckedatleastfouritemsTrue,youarestrugglingwithloveaddiction.It

maynotyetbeapparenttoyou,buttheimportanceyouplaceuponmenandloveiswithinthe redzoneforloveaddiction. Over7Trueitems:Ifyoumarked atleastsevenitemsasTrue, youalreadyknow you arealove addict.Thisisaseriousaddictionandwillrequireanequallyseriouscommitmentto"breakingthe habit."


SatisfactionofNeedsTest

HOWTOTAKETHETESTListedbelowaresixbroadlydefinedcategoriesof personalneeds.Each categoryismadeupofanuniberofspecificneeds.Theseneedsrangefromway*youwouldliketo feeltohowyouwouldliketobetreatedinarelationship.Nooneneedseehowyouscorethistest, sobeashonestwithyourselfMIpossible.Thisisnotatestofwishesanddreamsbutratheraway tolookatthingstheway t h e are. Youwillnoticethatbesideeachneeddescrihrtbelowaretwocolumnsofblanks.Usingtheratin scales,choosethe number thatbestfitsthe i n t e sityofyourpersonalneed.PlacethatnumberIII thelefthandcolumntotherightoftheneedd scribed.Now,forthesameneed,choosetheinn berthatbestfitsthefrequencywithwhichtitneedismetinyourrelationships.Thatnuml
goesintherighthandcolumn.Inthisway,rateeachofthepersonalneedsdescribed. Remember,we'retalkingabouthowtheseneedsaremetornotmetinyourrelationship.

RATINGSCALESLefthandcolumn
NoNeed(1)LittleNeed(2)ModerateNeed(3)ImportantNeed(4)ExtremelyImportantNeed(5) Righthandcolumn NotMet(1)InfrequentlyMet(2)ModeratelyMet(3)FrequentlyMet(4)AlmostAlways Met(5)

ExcitementandChallengeNeeds
1. Opportunitytotakepersonalrisks 2. Needforsomesenseofdangerorthrill I.Needfornoveltyandchange 4. Needforchallengeandmastery 5. Needforstimulation 6. Needtobekeptslightlyoffbalanceor"onmytoes" 7. Needforsomesenseofintrigueormystery

AutonomyNeeds
8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. Needforemotionalindependence Needforfinancialindependence Needforpersonalfreedom Needforequality Needformutualityandreciprocity Needforrolesdefinedbyinterestandaptitude,notbygender Needforsolitudeandalonetimewithouthimwonderingwhatiswrong Needforprivacy Needforcontrol

SecurityNeeds
17. Needtofeelprotected

18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26.

(a) (b) (c)

Physically Emotionally Financially' Needfortrustinmate Needtobetrustedbymate Needforfamiliarityandsecurity Needforpredictabilityfrommate Needforcontinuityandmutualgoals Needforapproval Needtobecontrolled Needforcomfortandsafety Needforsharingandcommonexperience

SexualandAffectionNeeds
27. Needforpersonalsexualexpressionwithoutinhibition 28. Needformatetobesexuallyexpressivewithoutinhibition 29. Needformonogamy SO.Needfornonsexualaffection(notsimplyapreludetosexualactivity) 31. Needforsexualnoveltyandvarietyofsexualexpression 32. Needforverbalexpressionsofcaringandtenderness Needforvarietyofsexualpartners 34. Needtogivenurturanceandfeelitisvalued

35.

Needtoreceivenurturancefrom

mate

(CommunicationNeeds U>.Needforclearanddirectcommunication
i7.Needforpersonalemotionalexpression

38. Needforemotionalexpression frommate 39. Needforintimacyandcloseness 40. Needfordiscussionofallissues importanttome 41. Needfordiscussionofissuesim portanttomate 42. Needformutualopenness 43. Needforpersonaldisclosure 44. Needforpersonaldisclosure frommate FeelingStateNeeds

45. Needforpersonalrespectfrom mate 46. Needtofeelloved 47. Needtofeelessentialorneeded bymate 48. Needtofeelappreciatedbymate 49. Needforsomesenseoflonging formate 50. Needtofeelsupportedemotion allybymate 51. Needtofeelencouragedtogrow bymate 52. Needforfeelingsofjealousy

53. Needtofeelrespectformate 54. Needforfeelingsofacceptabil ity(lackofcriticaljudgment frommate) SCORINGANDINTERPRETINGTHETESTAddthenumbersincolumns1and2.Itmaybehelpfulto lookatwhichgeneralcategoriesofneedshavethelargestdiscrepancies. 1. Individualneedscoreswherelefthandandrighthandcolumnsarethesameorwherethelefthandcolumn islessthantherighthandcolumnindicatenoconflict. 2. Inlookingatthevariouscategoriesofneeds,categoriesthatdon'treflectlargediscrepancies betweenthecolumnsarelikewiserelativelyconflict free. 3. Inlookingatindividualitems,ifthelefthandcolumnisatleast2pointshigherthantheright handcolumn,itissignificant. In interpreting this test, what you will be looking for are discrepancies between the needs you bring to a relationship and how well they're met. In addition to noting the overall score of dissatisfaction or satisfaction, look at the various categories to see if there are particular areas whereyouhavedifficultyfindingfulfillment. Inexaminingtheresultsyoucanadoptoneoftwoattitudes.Ifyouwanttobea"blamer"youcan holdmenresponsibleforthediscrepanciesordissatisfactions,oryoucanexamine,aswesuggest you do, your own responsibility or unrealistic expectations. This test can indicate where your needs maybeexcessiveorwhetheryou'relookingforthewrongkindofman.Forexample,a"niceguy" could meet almost all of your needs except the "excitement" ones. The solution: Count your blessingsandtakeupskydiving. 1. If the overall total for the lefthand column is less than the total for the righthand column, mostofyourneedsarebeingmetinthecontextoftherelationship.Youareluckierthananyone weknowdon'tyoudarelethimoutofyoursight. 2. Ifthelefthandcolumnismorethantherighthandcolumn By125points:Countyourselfamongthemostfortunate.Itsaminormiraclethatsomanyneeds canbemetinarelationshipwithanyone. By2650points:Reflectsgoodsolidrelationshipwithmostneedsbeingmet. By 5175 points: Reflects the presence of potentially important differences. Such differencesarc notoverwhelmingandmaybesharplyreducedbyclearercommunicationwithyourpartner.Italso mayrequiremoreboldnessonyourparttonegotiateyourneeds. By 76100 points: Differences as large as these indicate significant problems. Many of your important needs are not being met. This failure may be due to poor communication and understandingoritmaywellbemoreserious.Itmayverywellreflectunrealisticexpectationsora poorchoiceinmen. By100ormorepoints:Withdifferencesasconsistentandwidespreadasthisscoresuggests,your relationshipsareinrealtrouble.Eitheryourpartnersareturkeys,oryouareincrediblyfoolishin yourexpectationthatsuchexcessiveneedscanbemetinanyrelationship.