There are two issues that have caused me great consternation through the years.

I
have decided to call on the Scribd community for help. My hope is to find existing
studies and writings that address these matters. There's no use reinventing the wheel,
right?

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

The first issue deals with the emotional and mental challenges presented to parents as
they face their own children's psycho-emotional development. As children progress
through the various stages of development, at some point their parents are given the
opportunity to address aspects of their own personality that may "suffer" from, for lack of
a better term, arrested development.

For instance, say the parent experienced some sort of trauma in early adolescence that
suspended further normal progress in some area of his or her heart or soul. And then
this person hobbles through adolescence into adulthood. Life goes on. Our hypothetical
person manages, through various means of compensation (coping), to lead a functional
and productive life in spite of the marginalizing effects of their trauma(s).

Let's say that part of this productive life includes the birth of a child or children. When
the child reaches the stage or phase of her development that roughly correlates to the
"place" where the parent experienced the cessation of normal development due to his
or her psycho-emotional injury, the parent is challenged to reexamine the nature and
extent of her handicap. In my opinion this is one major source of conflict between parent
and child, and it has the potential to set in motion a cascading generational dysfunction
that can have extensive emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical repercussions.

I know that this is a rather simplistic account and that the dynamics are typically much
more complex [e.g. there usually are many traumas spread out over time]. My question
deals specifically with the parent who is trying to provide guidance and care to a child
while they themselves are stuck in their own childhood—for whatever reason.

THE SEARCH FOR INTEGRITY

My quest for answers regarding my second topic has taken me into poorly charted
waters. I will attempt here to share some observations and experiences in hopes that it
will strike a chord with one or more of you. My perspective is that of a 50 year-old,
twice-divorced male who has struggled through a few other relationships. This topic
deals with something that I have encountered, to a greater or lesser degree, with
EVERY woman with whom I have never been intimately involved. This is not to say that
men do not behave in the manner which I am about to describe, I have just not ever
been romantically involved with a man. Nor am I saying that we men do not have our
own idiosyncrasies. Surely we do. So, do me a favor and don’t try to engage me in any
sexist debate.
I might be a little crazy, but I'm not stupid. I do not believe that anyone can ever know
everything about another person. But, from time to time, information is needed as a kind
of "reality check." The struggle that I'm about to describe usually rears its head first
during "fact checking" regarding the woman's past or present activities and
relationships. I do not believe that it is arbitrarily indicative of insecurity, a compulsion to
control, or jealousy (although these are often the retorts used to repel such requests)
that either partner in a relationship would ask for information confirmable through other
sources (objectivity?) in an attempt to develop trust (reliability) in the relationship. In my
experience, the tendency towards deceit in these matters oftentimes seems
pathological—lying even when the truth is better and easier.

Having finally learned a lesson or two and becoming less dependent on fact checking, it
became evident to me that this "symptom" almost without exception revealed the
existence of a much deeper and much more troubling "disease." [This is the first time
that I have ever tried to articulate my thoughts on this matter in such a forum, so please
forgive me as I struggle for terms.] Again I want to stress that I am not harping on
women, there is no doubt that both sexes fall prey to this malady. I began to suspect,
and in a couple of cases have confirmed, that these people who lied when the truth
would do better did so with EVERYONE in their life. Nobody but the liar knew the truth,
and they lived "little pieces" of their lives with each other person. Going back to the
"nobody can ever know everything about another person" thing, like a diamond we all
present different facets to other people with whom we relate. But we all don't do it
deceitfully. It is this deceit, and the way it precludes integrity, that I find so troubling.

These people forego integration, or wholeness, for a piecemeal, partitioned, segmented,

energy-draining existence. Instead of making reasoned decisions about what they will
divulge to whom, they tell each person whatever lie they want or need to tell to get what
they want or need from the other person. These dysintegrated ones that I've known are
all above-average- to high-functioning individuals who possessed great talent and
beauty. In spite of their talent, beauty, and productivity they all at some point had come
to believe that they were somehow "less than worthy." All had experienced chronic or
acute emotional trauma; such as, hypercritical, domineering, overly protective parents,
"messy" divorce, death of a parent, adoption, sexual abuse, and/or religious abuse.
They all seemed to be torn between the need and desire to declare autonomy by
establishing their own identity and to maintain familial ties.

One of the most striking characteristics of this "lifestyle" it is an inability or unwillingness

to maintain lasting relationships. The thought of allowing another person to become
close enough to see through the painstakingly maintained facade is too much to bear.
Any sort of open, real, transparent intimacy or love is not congruent with their "system."
As a result they move from one relationship (obsession), into a “regrouping phase,” and
then into another relationship, and so on. Every "failed" attempt further intensifies their
sense of unworthiness, and forces them employ more deceit to maintain their system.
These wonderful people sacrifice a life of connection for a superficial existence. They
surround themselves with other superficial people who either knowingly or unwittingly
aid in the perpetuation of their system.
I mentioned "religious abuse" above. I have seen well-meaning, caring Christians beat
these troubled souls over the head (and heart) with scripture and opinions regarding the
instability and sinfulness of their ways. Some of the worst offenders are parents, who I
am sure are so worried that their children will burn in hell that they forget that little part
of the Bible about unconditional love and forgiveness. So, when it comes to "getting
help," there's the rub. They go to church and encounter a system of superficiality based
in religion and not conducive to self-disclosure. Actually, I have seen "church" drive the
dysintegrated ones even further into their darkness. [Before you take your "Bible bat" to
my head, let me assure you that I am a proponent of church fellowship. I am a Christian.
I am not saying that all churches are like the ones to which I am hypothetically referring
here. I am specifically referring to what I have witnessed in my experiences with these
people. I would love to find “church people” who are aware, willing and able to address
this issue!]

Another twisted element of this dysfunction is that these people, when they for any of a
multitude of reasons, seek psychological or psychiatric help, use the sessions to hone
their "skills." Yes, the best they can muster for the counselor are more lies and partial
truths. They sometimes make some great discoveries. Well, they would be great under
less abnormal circumstances. Occasionally they will have an epiphany that, for
someone not drowning in a sea of surreptitiousness, might be life-changing. But, more
often than not, these discoveries and epiphanies amount to Band-Aids on gaping
wounds, and provide new weapons for the deceiver's arsenal.

All too often, the ones stuck in this cycle, when faced with the opportunity and
inclination to change their ways, view the opportunity as a gut wrenching choice
between two or more "pieces" in their system. They are unable to see a way to step into
the light of truth without disrupting their delicately balanced web. Something has to go.
In my experience, it has been me. It seems that no matter how accepting I am, no
matter how I might give love unconditionally, the concept is so foreign—so insignificant
in light of the enormity of the existing system—that it is rejected in favor of the web. [I
am not whining; simply stating my experience.]

One of the ways that I have described such systems is "box keeping." Following is an
excerpt from something that I wrote to one of my "significant others" who tends toward
the approach I am outlining here. Some of it is situation specific, but I think the
illustrations are worth including...

Such integration is elusive. It is difficult to attain. I have ALWAYS desired

integration and openness, but I have seen/known only box keepers who devote
their energies to maintaining their "soul storage facilities." I have met few who are
truly willing to take the chance to integrate. It amazes me that, while box keepers
may disagree with the "choices" made by other box keepers, they will accede to
the piecemeal approach to life so typical of box keepers. Too much disapproval
of another box keeper's box keeping threatens the existence of the box keeper's
right to keep boxes. It is better to play along, while it is not TOO uncomfortable,
 with another box keeper than to upset the shelves and risk the toppling of the
keeper's "system." Like...what happens when you take an occupant out of the
box and, say, go to a movie and it feels good...so you step on out and enjoy a
hug...JUST when the occupant of another one of your boxes walks up with his
arm around an occupant of one of HIS boxes...and, suddenly, the good feeling
you were experiencing with the night's "chosen toy" goes down the tubes.
Forcibly push away the toy of the night and try to regroup! Instead of being able
to enjoy the moment, the keeper ends up disconcerted, frustrated, confused,
bewildered, and angry. Like: "WHAT THE HELL!? Why can't I get these
occupants to play their parts!?" Or in another setting...what if a keeper thinks that
it would be good and right to consider the possibility of actually integrating -- of
actually taking the chance to process some of the crap with a “significant” box
dweller? What if he/she thinks for a moment that MAYBE there's something to
this? It only lasts for a moment. Why? Well, in the next moment, the keeper's
attention is snapped back to his/her shelf, and he/she realizes that to focus
attention on one box has the potential of blanking out (or invalidating) the other
boxes (parents, sibling(s), "worship" group, church, work, "friends," other suitors,
and so on). No matter what the motivation, the perceived loss is too great for the
keeper to bear. Alas, there can be no honesty...there can be no Lasting
Momentary Enjoyment...no integrated focus.

Here's how it works with box keepers: Lie to me. Use me. Do whatever you need
to do to maintain your partitions, just DON'T TRY TO BREAK DOWN ANY OF
MINE! Symbiosis. [The only problem with the use of the word "symbiosis" here is
that the word means "together living"...Greek: sun-bio...I need a word that means
"perpetuating non-life." "Zombiosis" perhaps?] Or, on the other side of the coin:
Use whoever, Lie to whomever, do whatever you need to maintain your
system...the apt box keeper can always rearrange the boxes when things get too
uncomfortable (unmanageable).

Part of my request is for feedback relating to these matters. What is it about our society
that makes it such a breeding ground for this type of behavior? Is it the superficiality of
commercialism, the effects of materialism, the influence of postmodern/existential
philosophy that makes mud of truth, the fast-paced nature of our lives, the breakdown of
family and community, or what?

Another thing I would like to hear about is a place where these people might "find help."
Is there help? Why have I, in all my years, not ever seen or heard of a psychologist,
psychiatrist, or pastor who addresses this issue?

Finally, if you think I am really off-base with this stuff, light me up! I appreciate the
challenge and education.