How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

The Challenge Five misconceptions about communication: 1. People always pay attention when you are talking 2. When people say they are paying attention, they really are 3. When someone says, I know; I understand, they really do 4. Saying something over and over ensures that someone is listening 5. Saying something over and over loudly is more effective than just saying it over and over Everyone FAILS Fears they wont get enough attention. Lose control. Assumptions this leads to communications failure. Insensitivity Labeling negative labeling of groups of people.

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How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

Knowing People Five things about people that makes them different: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. All people are motivated. You cannot motivate others. People do things for their reasons, not ours. Strengths can become weaknesses. The purpose of all of us being different is to compliment and complete each other.

People are not difficult they are just different. They are not going to change. Two types of behavior: Directive and Affiliative. One is not better then the other. 1. Directive: more aggressive. Have the tendency to tell you what to do, take risks. 2. Affiliative: more passive. Ask what to do. Four types of people SELF: S people have a high need to be around people. They have a high need to tell them what to do. Strengths: Persuasive, risk takers; competitive, hate to lose; pursue change; confident; open. Limitations: when they overdo they become push, overbearing, intimidating, restless, impatient; manipulative; uncontrollable. E behavioral style. Strengths: they like to tell people what to do but unlike S people, they have a high need to get things done. Results oriented. Limitations: Dogmatic, stubborn, rigid, unapproachable, distant, critical, and insensitive. They are so results oriented they dont need feedback. They have a tendency not to give any. L people are team oriented, devoted, caring, enthusiastic, helpful, accessible, trusting, and sensitive. Strengths: people orientation is their greatest value. Limitations: they become too other oriented, forget about themselves, indecisive, impractical and vulnerable, hesitant, subjective. Want everyone to be happy.

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How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

F people: Strengths: exacting, thorough, factual, reserved, meticulous, practical, calm and avoid risk Value: quality oriented, do it right, make sure its done right, accuracy. Limitations: slow to get things done, become withdrawn. Encountering Resistance Tension arises among people and causes resistance. Stress level goes up. Seven types of resistance: 1. Due to change. 2. People in a bad mood. 3. Invasion people feel invaded. 4. Irritation some people irritate others. 5. Negativism. 6. Fear immobilize certain people. 7. Perceived role others should play. Seven keys to conquering resistance: 1. Become likeable. 2. Give status to resistance. 3. Dont aggravate resistant people. 4. Dont force the person to be defensive. 5. Dont always be trying to find fault. 6. Be willing to lose a battle in order to win the war. 7. Be patient with people everyone is in a growth process.

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How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

Confronting problems dealing with resistance: 1. Neutralize Resistance. o Replacement use and: not but. you might want to think about this. 2. Detour around it.. 3. Compliment them. Thank you. I appreciate your sharing that with me. 4. Reduce resistance. Exaggerate the cause of the resistance. o Ask: What is the worst possible thing that could happen? o Compare the resistance with something worse. o Comfort. Focus on intent of other person. o Challenge. What is your reason for resisting? Things you can do to minimize the likelihood of having difficult encounters. 1. Become interested in other people. 2. Smile 3. Listen. Be actively involved in listening. o Step one: give undivided attention o Step two: encourage the other person to speak o Step three: use reflective skills echo in their words or summarize what they said To cope with resistance: 1. Asses the situation. Am I dealing with a difficult person or a person in a difficult situation? 2. Ask the question, What am I willing to accept about this person, situation? 3. Distance yourself from the person or situation. Classic types of difficult people; when needs arent being met. 1. The bull. A stressed out person who says, My way or the highway. o The stressed out behavior of an E person.

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How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

o They become irrational. o They will have the last word. To cope with them: o Remain calm and be assertive. Breathe deeply. o Keep eye contact. o Dont move. o Dont interrupt. o Ask permission to take notes. o Ask open-ended questions. The fox. Uses a dart in the back sarcasm. The stressed behavior of an S person. Not enough attention. The time bomb they give, give and give. Then they explode. To cope: o Give them respect. Listen. Dont defend yourself. The stone wall. E and F people. They give the silent treatment. To cope: o Create an attitude of honesty and respect. But to those who try passive aggressive behavior: o Ask the questions that require an extended answer. o Be attentive but dont fill the silence. o Show them the consequences if they dont open up. The ultra-agreeable. The yup hound. Negative stress behavior of the L person. Their needs arent being met to be liked. They agree to what you say, and agree, and then do nothing. To cope: o Make honesty non-threatening. o Be personal when you can, but watch out for unrealistic commitments. o Get specific date for something to be done.

2. 3. 4.

5.

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How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

6. The bump on the log. Usually F persons. To cope: o Challenge to be optimistic. o They need more information. o Hear what they are saying about what they need. 7. The know-it-all. Usually F. They do know it all. To cope: o Do your homework. o Listen to them. o Never directly tell them they are wrong. 8. The fake know-it-all. The stress behavior of an S person getting attention. They can talk about what you want to talk about. To cope: o State the facts and give them an opportunity to save face. o Confront in private. 9. The procrastinator. Any of the four behaviors but usually L and F. Ls are over committed. Fs are waiting for more information. To cope: o Bring the issue out into the open; then help them to break the problem down. o Show them lots of support, and help them make decisions. The keys to handling hurt and angry feelings. 1. Displace the negative thought with a positive thought. Rational people think only one thought at a time. o Every morning make positive affirmation statements. o Listen to self improvement tapes; motivational tapes. o Quiet time. Get alone and prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually for the day. o Make a point to put humor in your life everyday.

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How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

o Exercise. Laughter and exercise releases endorphins in the brain. 2. Deal with your anger. o Put yourself in charge of you. Calm down, breathe deeply. o Be specific. What was it that the person is doing hat wasnt nice. o Correct the things that may be leading to part of the problem. o Approach the encounter logically. 3. Be flexible. Show appreciation for the person. 4. Give positive criticism. 5. To bring out the best in people: o Dont complain. o Dont condemn. o Dont criticize. How to soften the hardest heart: The SOFTen formula. Smile. Open be open to people. Forward lean forward. Touch physically.

Dale Carnegies Ten Commandments for Changing Attitudes

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Avoid arguments. Respect people enough to let them be themselves. Admit faults. Dont look for faults in others. Start where you both can agree. Focus on the positive. Ask a question that requires a yes answer.

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How to Handle Difficult People Joe Gilliam

6. Actively listen. 7. Give credit where credit is due. 8. Use empathy when what happens to others has happened to you. 9. Use sympathy when what has happened to others hasnt happened to you. 10. Understand their motivations. How people get to you: buttons that people are going to push on you. You can react, or you can ask a question. 1. The vicious circle: If you loved me youd care. - When did you start thinking I didnt love you? 2. The double bind: If you really loved me. When did you start thinking ? 3. Hedging: I would never tell you what to do, but Thank you for your restraint. 4. The fishing expedition. Some bosses, if employees were late, would. When? 5. An example of someone trying to get you to react: Even a monkey could do your job. Dont be a reinforcer. Reinforcers: an activity that encourages another activity. When we give in to difficult behavior, we reinforce it.

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