Chapter 1: I hate myself Who am I?

Self-Hatred: I sat alone on the thin worn, gray as my soul carpet, which used to carry many feet a dancing to merry music, whilst Christmas lights flashed to their own rhythm. I remember the bar counter and my uncle standing behind it with some work friends and young family members, pouring bears, dry white, whiskey on the rocks, a coke shandy with hats placed strategically skew for greater effect, a wall mounted poster with swirling, smiling worms on it weaving in and out of alphabet letters top to bottom, large to small, same you would get when testing your eyes, I could read each letter till the second last line, my eyes are good, a blessing from God. Only later did I learn when self, I was entertaining friends, and whilst playing pool, my friend stood some distance, examined the poster and started to laugh. I looked, trying to see what was so funny Did you read that? He asked me, and I stared Too much sex
Makes
Your eyes
Short
Sighted

I never did, but I do now. And we laughed. I was looking through old boxes of my moms. Ive always enjoyed going through unknowns, exploring, not knowing what mystery you might unravel, and I was hoping for something, not sure what though. Do you want to know why I dont fight? This was a very strange question I know, but for some reason I asked it to the boy standing in front of me. I never knew why I asked this; perhaps I wanted to give a testimony, or make myself understood, who knows. No, I dont. Well, the Bible says we should turn the other cheek. Or perhaps Do to others as you want them to do to you? I never knew my father or rather dad, Gods word says we shouldnt call anyone father, for we have only 1 Father in heaven. Perhaps that is why I never had a dad, and only an emotionally removed step dad? That is the only reason I could conjure up as to why my biological dad left when I was a child, and my step dad never wanted me.

Funny, the 2 people, who was supposed to love me most, didnt want anything to do with me, add to that being called a sissy at school, being beaten and teased and mocked, its no wonder I hate myself. If people, who were supposed to love me, couldnt stand to be around me, how could I expect a perfectly holy God to love me? Why would HE love me, if flawed people couldnt love a baby, how could I expect a Perfect God to love me or even stand me? I shouldnt be alive. God, please kill me, please, please, please take my life! I dont want to live, I hate me, I hate who I am, I hate being me and everything that is me! I want to be like my friend Vicus. Everyone loves him; he is funny, smart, and clever with girls. What am I? Rubbish, scum of the earth. Why would Jesus die for me, why would he love me, why would you choose me? I hated my life, I hated growing up, I hated school most of all! I hated going away with my parents. No matter how happy things were, they would fight. I hated weekends, Friday and Saturday nights, whiskey would take the place of civility, and though nobody was beaten, I lived in fear. I hated myself! There was nothing to love, I was an object to be hated, to be rejected, if there was something to be loved in or about me, my 2 dads wouldve, they didnt thus there wasnt. Did I mention I hated and despised myself and many a night cried to God and cried myself to sleep asking, begging, pleading, screaming, urging and trying to convince Him to kill me, remove me. I mean, He is God, He could remove me, as though I never was, and all memories of me wouldve been removed, nobody would miss nor care for me or what became of me. It would be as though I never existed. How great that would be! In the box are old letters to and from my mom, my grandparents and friends of my mom. Im glad you decided to keep him was written in one of the letters addressed to my mom. So, draw your own conclusion: 2 Dads wanted nothing to do with me and now, my mom wanted to give me up for adoption, what a precious soul am I. I wake up with a smile, each morning, when in my dreams I visited with my closest and dearest friend (besides Jesus, who has always been there with me and for me). She accepted me for who I was, and loved me unconditionally! We never fought nor did she never did judge me. I was unconditionally loved by her. She was my faithful friend. My St. Bernard, Lulu. Whilst hating yourself, living with the constant knowledge of what a failure you are and despising yourself, it makes sense that you would hate your birthday, and want to crawl in a whole and just wish the day would pass, or rather, that it never existed, and that everyone would forget about it, and just leave you be. But people dont know, they need to make you feel special, they need to phone and sms you and tell you happy bday etc, all the supposedly make-you-feel-good crap, as though their opinions will change the way you see yourself, the belief you have of

yourself, that which you believed for 30 odd years. Thinking about it now, it does seem to be a consistency in me. What do I desire? I desire to love, to be loved and to be accepted the way Lulu did. But theres nothing. No relationship lasts, how could it? Good, close friends (women) tell me what a wonderful guy I am, how happy I will make someone one day. You know what, its all a load of crap! If it was true, it would be true. I know: all in Gods timing, so there is nothing more to say about that then. Im funny I know, with a sharp-as-razor humor. Im kind, friendly dammit, and I love God. Obviously no qualities any single women want. God has the right person for you. And the encouragement floods my soul and I joy with hope until it doesnt last. Why hope? Why try and fail? Why is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved (hurt) at all? Love ultimately leads to pain and hurt. No, not hurt by a spouse cheating on you, or love growing cold, but death. The ultimate hurt! You cant reason it away, you cant hide from it, or grow in anger at something your partner did and try to justify the hurt you are feeling or even that they deserved it. Nobody deserves the pain caused by love lost through death. I say: Its better to not have loved at all, to not know what you are missing than stare down the empty cravis left by love lost ClumsyDid I mention I was clumsy? Used to drop things as a child, believe me, I knew how clumsy I was. A clumsy old failure I am. Hey wait, I almost forgot! I said I hated everything about meand so I did. What is more me than my name? I hated it, was disgusted and appalled by it. I was teased more due to and with my name than anything else, and mostly by teachers! They just couldnt pronounce it, and even now, you might struggle. Oh, I thought it was a girls name a teacher responded after I rose when he called my name, after several retries to pronounce it correctly. Jeendry, Jeen-an-dry, Jeen-dre, Jaandry were some of the pronunciations. What is in your heart? What do you think of your heart? I am not talking about the pump, but rather, that which defines you, your soul. As a child we dont know about soul and spirit, just whats in our hearts. Well, my heart was fearful, resentful towards God for making me and allowing me to live, and mostly soft, very soft. I remember crying to my mom, asking her why Jesus gave me such a soft heart. This would happen after a day of teasing. So, together with bombarding Jesus with requests to kill me, I would request for a harder heart! I hated me, who I was, what I was and the fact that I was so soft! God the Father says:
Eze 11:19 (esv) And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,

Jeandre asks: Take this heart of flesh, so soft, and give me a heart of stone.

FEAR: (As an after-thought to writing this chapter, I have to put this in. Bro J wont forgive me if I were to forget this story around fear of man. It was my first job in IT fixing computers, and also where my friendship with my brother J began. I was plagued with an UNHEALTHY fear of anyone in any sort of authoritative position. I would work on about 3 or 4 computers and would align them against the wall. Our boss would come in with a client waiting for his PC or perhaps inquiring about the progress. Whats happening with Mr. Bs computer? he would ask me. My heart would race, my mind would freeze to a halt (strangely) except for the look my brain would contort upon my face and I would turn as a dullard towards J, and he would just reply: Its the computer with the modem problem. Ah, that was what I needed, a clue, you see, J was the blow-torch which melted my freeze! Fear of manwhat more can I say? Fear was my friend, I feared going to school and I feared knowing that I am a failure, that I am stupid, that I am hated. If ever I am to receive the words I love you or you are valuable or anything to that tone my response is a silent Yeah right, whatever although I might utter and even mean it I love you too. I never fought back, perhaps more because of fear than conviction to turn the other cheek. I feared having to ask for help! I remember asking my step dad for help with a mathematical question one evening (I need to mention that math comes to him as easily as anything), and after repeated tries to make me understand and getting very frustrated with me and why I couldnt understand, he just gave up! I believe I was so fearful that I couldnt grip what he was saying! Fear of people ruled me and was with me during school. One day, moving back after a year to my old school, I stepped into the English class, and had to recite some poems. I just got stuck! I couldnt remember a word! The teacher even gave me some options of well known nursery rhymes, but nothing helped, eventually I think, she asked me to go sit.

In high school Grade 10 and upwards, we had kadette; You know, marching, shooting practice, basic army training, and I lived in fear of each Wednesday. God was good for me. I remember and believe that He used this fear to instill in me a strong faith in Him. I would pray and pray each Tue for rain to come; you see, rain would stop us from having the dreadful period! And God would bring the rain! Obviously it wouldnt rain every Tue, but many Tue rained, and the more God answered my prayer, the stronger my faith grew. This prompted a strong belief and one of many rocks in my faith! When we pray, and God answers our prayers, it will give us just the smallest of increased faith to ask again, or even to ask for something else! Each time God answers a prayer, our faith grows, and we should have THIS mentality; we should be actively aware and teachable and growable, looking, searching and even reminding God, that when He answers our prayers, our Faith, belief, growth and trust in Him is greatly and positively impacted! I believe the easiest way to start is to pray for what you know you can receive; pray for what you dont doubt, and search for things which you receive, but didnt expect, trust and believe its Gods favor and praise Him for this! Let me give a very average example: I work in the IT industry; and one of our clients would entertain their clients or have staff meetings. As a service provider we would not be invited to these, but, when working at the client, and more often than not, there will be food and snacks left. We would then get invited to help ourselves! What I teach myself from this: God, thank you for giving me favor with people and for your hand of blessing and provision upon me. My Faith growths, even though I didnt ask the Father, He provides; and when I DO ask, and He provides then also, my faith, love and trust grow all the more. (Please just remember when I ask God, its not just for provision, but any and all aspects of my being, from Him, my Father.) Fear was born from self-hatred, and, if I couldnt love myself, nobody else would/could love me either, and thus, fear of rejection plagued my social life and needless to say, I feared women, and never had any girlfriends growing up. Dont be mistaken, I would admire many from a distance, but would never dare engage in conversation, lest I would be shot down. At night, lying in bed, I would pray (and this was my dearest most honest prayer, and stayed with me all this time.

Father, I want to be pure for my wife. I want her to be pure for me. Like a flower bud, still closed, I want to shower her with rays of love, which will open her up for my love. Thinking back for some reason, I thought my wife would be someone in need of healing and love (a bruised spirit) and this would also be indicated by the flower bud. Its been my desire to bring healing, and believe this is where this prayer was born; from a heart desiring to be loved unconditionally and to love in a similar way. That was the just of it. I remember my first girlfriend in Gr.11 (I think). I loved her, and we spent a whole lot of time together! It was the happiest couple of weeks I had even known, until I found her washing the hands of one of my friends, who came for a visit. I was shocked and very hurt! But the point I want to make in this recollection is that we held hands, nothing more. I would remember us sitting next to each other, her face coming closer to me as she whispered inaudibly and our faces drew closer and closer I could sense her expectation, and fear would grip my sweaty palms and I would slip from that awkward situation. You see, my desire for my first kiss was to be with my wife at the altar, for my first dance to be with my wife, everything I would experience, would be for the first time with my wife such were my dreams and prayers. And, at this point, it would be great to peak into the baggage I dragged with me for so long, as it connects perfectly with my wait for itGentlemans behavioral dreams described previously and failed relational expectations later on in life! Wow, I know, its a mouth full! Chew on it a bit

Guilt: My first, real, long-lasting relationship began whilst I was still studying and involved a friends sister. We were each others first real love! I didnt believe in drinking and she came from a home where her father also drank too easily. We didnt go to clubs, didnt drink but watched movies, went on fishing trips with her brother and his girlfriends and his other sister. It was the 5 of us. We would swim together, they would come and braai, swim, play pool or snooker and we would end with a video or two at two or so in the mornings. I would go to church with her on Sundays or she would come with me. As in all relationships, we held hands, wrote love letters and visited together. This is where it started going wrong: We started to become intimate. I knew it was wrong, I knew that I was the man, and I had to direct/steer the relationship, but I chose to listen to my flesh. When I broke up with her, after several years and lots of prayer by my closest friend; J was the brother I never had, we would only see each other when we were lonely! We used each other, I doubt that either of us knew what we were doing, as we were just trying not to be lonely. This continued for some years, and when she finally hooked up with a friend I was delighted, but this delight was very short lived and soon replaced (to my regret) with jealousy! Ok, so after a year or two of jealousy, and falling back into the self-hatred and nobody will love me again, I moved managed to move on. Joined my bro Js church, and started to slot in there. So, wheres the guilt? you might ask. This was it:

Pondering back to my gentlemans behavioral dreams and all I desired for a wife and how I was going to respond to a wife, I disappointed myself and obviously God! I took one of His buds, a precious child of His, which I believed He blessed me with and I destroyed the flower! What I havent mentioned was this: After we broke up, she started going to clubs, started drinking and even worse, started doing drugs and had sexual relations with her boyfriends. Guild was strive and I succumbed to it! It was my entire fault! I introduced her to sin, I lead her astray, she was where I led her to. God, how can you forgive me? How can you allow me to do this? I was the handy work of evil! and the self-hatred lived on and snow-balled into something I couldnt content with. All I could do was ask for repeated mercy and Gods forgiveness. I remember the months after wards, my mind would ponder the things we did together the sinful acts, and the only way I could find release and freedom from this guilt was to ask God to forgive me whatever I was thinking of there and then, and also, I would ask the Father to remove that memory from me, to not be reminded of it again.

To God be the glory! His mercy was proven true and so was His word:
(Psa 103:12 ESV) as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. (Psa 51:10 ESV) Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Heb 10:22 ESV) let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

Please bear in mind that this is not the only instance of guilt! There have been guilt over things said and done, things even left undone, guilt over tasks I believed God had for me, and because of fear, my heart melted away within me. Guilt is like the tides, its occurrence can be as frequent as the seasons change. A victory today doesnt guarantee strength and victory tomorrow. For God gives us strength for each day, and when we do sin, when our consciousness fills with guilt, we know that we have a judge which declares us NOT GUILTY, when washed by His blood! Please refer to above scriptures again. That is what I have to say about guilt. I do believe that our Father has more to say; that which He has shared with me, quite recently.
(1Jn 1:9 ESV) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1Jn 2:15-17 ESV) Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world--the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions-is not from the Father but is from the world.

And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

I believe that guilt stems from these, a love for all except the God the Father, His son Jesus and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. But when guilt comes with condemnation, God the Father has the final word (after weve done what He commands us in 1Jn1:9): 1. (1Jn 3:20 ESV) for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he
knows everything.

a. God is greater than our heart, he knows what weve confessed and what not. If we have then confessed our sins, we should not allow our hearts to condemn us! b. God is greater than our heart speaks of God being greater than that which condemns us: Guilt, sin and shame. God is greater than anything which could attack our heart! His son Jesus died for our hearts sin, its pain, suffering, guilt and shame.
(Psa 34:18 ESV) The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (1Jn 3:21 ESV) Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; (1Jn 3:22 ESV) and whatever we ask we receive from him, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. (1Jn 3:23 ESV) And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. (1Jn 3:24 ESV) Whoever keeps his commandments abides in him, and he in them. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit whom he has given us.

I plead that you also read Ps.34!

(Psa 34:1 ESV) Of David, when he changed his behavior before Abimelech, so that he drove him out, and he went away. I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. (Psa 34:2 ESV) My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. (Psa 34:3 ESV) Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! (Psa 34:4 ESV) I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. (Psa 34:5 ESV) Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. (Psa 34:6 ESV) This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. (Psa 34:7 ESV) The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. (Psa 34:8 ESV) Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! (Psa 34:9 ESV) Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! (Psa 34:10 ESV) The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. (Psa 34:11 ESV) Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. (Psa 34:12 ESV) What man is there who desires life and loves many days, that he may see good? (Psa 34:13 ESV) Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. (Psa 34:14 ESV) Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. (Psa 34:15 ESV) The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. (Psa 34:16 ESV) The face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. (Psa 34:17 ESV) When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. (Psa 34:18 ESV) The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psa 34:19 ESV) Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. (Psa 34:20 ESV) He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. (Psa 34:21 ESV) Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. (Psa 34:22 ESV) The LORD redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

Consequence of Fear: Fear and guilt goes hand-in-hand. I will give it some more thought, but most times I succumbed to fear I would feel guilty afterwards. Perhaps its because fear rules over us in the areas we are (supposed to be) most influential! If we consider Gods mandate over and in us, it would be wise to consider these areas the most probable to be targeted by the Devil. Each of us has areas where God works mostly in and through us; you might have a sense of what you love doing e.g. listening to friends in need and helping them, always be there with wise words, you enjoy encouraging people etc. These are areas where Gods Spirit works in us to greatest effect of the individual. You see, each one of us is special to God, chosen with a general and specific purpose. General Purpose: Children of God have a general mandate as described below. We should seek and save the lost by preaching the gospel of Jesus, believe His word and then do all the things as commissioned below by our Father through His living Word.
(Mar 16:15 ESV) And he said to them, "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. (Mar 16:16 ESV) Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. (Mar 16:17 ESV) And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues;

(Mar 16:18 ESV) they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover."

Other general/practical purposes could be: Helping at church, assisting a friend, doing your work as unto God etc.
(Col 3:17 ESV) And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Specific Purpose: If we read the opening statements of Paul, its easy to surmise that even Paul was called with a specific purpose to be an apostle of Christ Jesus.
(1Co 1:1 ESV) Paul, called by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus, and our brother Sosthenes, (2Co 1:1 ESV) Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God,

So, what could my and your specific purpose be? Only God knows! Fortunately He also told us! But first we need to know why we would have a specific purpose through Gods enabling: Silly, you are special. Go and look at a day-old-mom and dad. You would see them touch their baby, feel him, caress him and gently kiss him. Their baby is special to them, they take care in holding, feeding and interacting with him. This is the kind of special you are to God! How do you know? Well, imagine we are looking at God: His hands are reaching into a mothers womb at conception (rather, BY His hand conception takes place), and at that point, he starts dividing the cells and instigating growth. It takes Him 9 months to form a baby! If God could create the world and everything in it in 7 days...you see, it took Him 9 months to form you; your body mind and soul. Read the scripture below and ponder the time to knit something! To God, you are SPECIAL!
(Psa 139:13 ESV) For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

We are special because He created us, but even more so because He saved us and we have God living in us!
(1Co 6:19 ESV) Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own,

(Rom 8:14 ESV) For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. (Rom 8:15 ESV) For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" (Rom 8:16 ESV) The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,

So what is your Specific purpose then? Lets ask God: Holy Spirit, you have created and weaved me in my mothers womb. You created my innermost being. You have taken my heart of stone and given me a heart of flesh. You search my heart and know my desires. I ask that you will reveal to me, the Specific purpose of my life towards the Father, His kingdom and His bride. I know that fulfilling the Fathers purpose for me will give me great joy and meaning in life. It will cause my heart to leap with praises for you and it will bring use so much more closer together. My desire is for YOU Father and all you have for me. My Specific purpose can and will only be fulfilled when You are working in me and through me. I open my heart to You, Holy Spirit. I invite you in. Come and make my heart fully and completely Your home. Amen.

Specific Purpose because of Specific Gifts: There are 9 Gifts. The Spirit works these in us whenever He sees fit. As described later in the verses, we will not all work in the same gifts, nor with the same combination of gifts. But, we should be aware that the Holy Spirit can work in us any one of these gifts for His purpose. It might be best to consult a trusted man of God to help you with specifics around these gifts.
(1Co 12:1 ESV) Now concerning spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be uninformed. (1Co 12:2 ESV) You know that when you were pagans you were led astray to mute idols, however you were led. (1Co 12:3 ESV) Therefore I want you to understand that no one speaking in the Spirit of God ever says "Jesus is accursed!" and no one can say "Jesus is Lord" except in the Holy Spirit. (1Co 12:4 ESV) Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; (1Co 12:5 ESV) and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; (1Co 12:6 ESV) and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. (1Co 12:7 ESV) To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. (1Co 12:8 ESV) To one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, (1Co 12:9 ESV) to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, (1Co 12:10 ESV) to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. (1Co 12:11 ESV) All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.

Specific Purpose because of Specific Tasks:

God will also raise you up to fulfill one or more of the following tasks, by someone who is already fulfilling his task through the empowering of the Holy Spirit. Recognize someone and learn from them and God.
(Eph 4:11 ESV) And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, (Eph 4:12 ESV) to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, (1Pe 4:11 ESV) whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies--in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

All right, now that we know we are special with specific tasks and gifts we can look at how the enemy can implement Fear and Guilt to derail us. If you were in a battle, what would you do? Look at Eph.4:11 again. You are destined by God to walk as one or more of the following: Apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor and/or teacher. All of these, including the Holy Spirit given gifts, have some common fields of attack: 1. FEAR OF PEOPLE will disable you to live as God intended a. (1Jn 4:18 ESV) There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to
do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

b. When we understand that God loves us and wants to work through us because of His love for us and the rest of His people, we will begin to fight against fear and for His Specific Purpose(s) and flow of Gifts through us. 2. FEAR OF TRAVELLING can keep us from going where God sends us a. (Mar 6:7 ESV) And he called the twelve and began to send them out two by two, and
gave them authority over the unclean spirits.

b. (Mar 16:15 ESV) And he said to them, "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to
the whole creation.

Since I can remember, I would go away with my mom and step dad to the Kruger National Park. We loved the animals and nature. I loved taking photos. As I have mentioned earlier in the book, my step dad would drink on weekends and what better excuse and place as a holiday in the wild. It became so that I would go and help my mom with the dishes just to get away! I hated that part of going away. Unfortunately my uncle was the same. I would go away with my aunt and uncle for a week or two at a time, and would sometime just travel. I loved that to bits also, just driving, seeing nature and all God created, but in the evenings, it would happen that things would become unpleasant. I would think that years and years of these situations, caused me to become veryvery negative towards travelling and any form of camping (even with church friends).

I need to overcome this, and can only do that by deliberately going by the grace of God. Each time I have to go, its like crossing a busy highway without a pedestrian crossing, nor any form of protection. Your heart is racing and you fear and expect the worst. This is what the enemy has instilled in my heart over the years expect the worst, then, when it happens, at least you wont be surprised. God help me. 3. FEAR OF SPEAKING will close the mouth of God through you a. (Jas 5:16 ESV) Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another,
that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. b. (Mar 16:15 ESV) And he said to them, "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.

These are but a few examples, and only given to stir your faith, and perhaps light a spark, for you to see and recognize areas in your life which the enemy has plundered. Remember: The areas in your life the enemy takes greatest pleasure in destroying are undoubtedly the areas of life, fertility and growth, and such are the areas where God would take the greatest pleasure in restoring according to His will and specific purposes for your life.
(1Pe 5:8 ESV) Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (Joh 10:10 ESV) The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Consequence of Guilt: Fear is the lack of now action, the lack of responding, it is the will saying, I cant, I wont, I am not good enough, clever enough, witty enough. It is the now responding to not! Guilt is the residue left by not. It is a blanket in which we cover ourselves. It is a blanket covering ourselves from the world, from God and from His purposes. Guilt is the basket covering the lamp, the glory of God and the visible-in-you only work of God.
(Mat 5:15 ESV) Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. (Psa 34:5 ESV) Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. (Pro 4:23 ESV) Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Pro 14:30 ESV) A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot. (Eze 11:19 ESV) And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, (Eze 18:31 ESV) Cast away from you all the transgressions that you have committed, and make yourselves a new heart and a new spirit! Why will you die, O house of Israel?

(Eze 36:26 ESV) And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. (Isa 60:2 ESV) For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the LORD will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you. (Isa 60:3 ESV) And nations shall come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your rising. (Isa 60:4 ESV) Lift up your eyes all around, and see; they all gather together, they come to you; your sons shall come from afar, and your daughters shall be carried on the hip. (Isa 60:5 ESV) Then you shall see and be radiant; your heart shall thrill and exult, because the abundance of the sea shall be turned to you, the wealth of the nations shall come to you.

Shame and guilt can so easily cover our hearts; the temple of the Holy Spirit. God warns us to guard our hearts. This will be a quest we can only undertake with Gods light shining on those areas which need change and then only when we are willing to change and then only when we action change. But fear not, again, God is with us! When all things disqualify us, God qualifies us on account of Jesus. (1Sa 16:7 ESV) But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." Freedom: Do you know you are saved from sin and unrighteousness? Have you confessed your sins to God the Father, in the name of Jesus? Asking the Holy Spirit to wash you clean from todays sins, stumbling and disobedience? If you dont believe you are a person in sin; you live a moral life, doing what is considered good in the eyes of the world, then you are deceived. Confession of sin is not to acknowledge that I am not living a perfect life, but rather to acknowledge that God is Holy, and I am not, I am not God, I am not Holy, no amount of morality and good works will make me god or make me Holy. Test your own heart: Give some money or food to a stranger, to a friend without them knowing about it. Test whether a desire comes into your heart to tell someone of what youve done. This is pride, not humility. I know, Ive done things, given possessions away, and time and again my heart longs to tell someone of what I have done, so they might be impressed by my generosity. I need to repent, my heart is still not Holy as God is Holy. Thus, come to Jesus. He knows the smallest of your sins to the greatest. He what youve done in the past, and that is why He chose to die for you on the cross. He died so you could live. He died so we could live, so we could be free from guilt and fear, so we can live for Him, inviting the Holy Spirit to come live in our hearts, to cleans us, renew our hearts and minds, and to show us more and more of the Father and the glory of Jesus. If you desire, please invite Jesus: Jesus, I am filled with sin and everything I do is for self gain. Jesus, I come to you with my hands open, (open your hands as you would when giving someone something, or when waiting to receive a gift) and I ask that you will take my sin

and self-effort from me. Jesus, I am filled with Fear and Guilt of how Ive lived. Please cleanse my mind and heart of these, and fill me with the Live that is to be found in You. Where I have agreed to lies spoken about me (by friends, family or my own thoughts): You are hateful, you are ugly, you are pathetic, you are worth nothing, you are stupid, you are a sissy, a mamas boy, a looser, too fat, too thin, will amount to nothing, a worthless nothing, scum of the earth, not worth any time of day, not worth the air you breath, an oxygen thief, lazy, clumsy, a whore, a lesbian, a coward and so many other negative words, release me of these words spoken over me! They have caused me such pain and hurt and I DONT want to live with them anymore. Please cleanse me, heal me and set me free from these words which have bonded me. Jesus, please send your word to speak Your TRUTH in my heart. Please send the Holy Spirit to come and counsel me into newness, into the NEW person YOU created me to be when you KNITTED me in my mothers womb. Please bring healing, restoration and release from the names and give me a NEW name, a name which comes from YOU, that I may know how you see me now, that I might KNOW Your LOVE for ME and your Purposes for me. Jesus, come and be my Friend, walking with me and showing me the Father. Holy Spirit, come and dwell in me, come and cleanse the dark, wounded places in my heart, let your healing light shine there and flood me with the Presence of the Father! For us boys and men, come and teach us to be Godly men, to STAND and FIGHT against sin and unrighteousness and to FIGHT for our Hearts and the people we love: Our friends, our wives, our children, our possessions, finances, revelations and all which we receive from the Fathers hand. For me, a daughter and woman of God, come and touch my heart with the sweet presence of the Father. Come and show me my beauty in the eyes of the Father. Come and touch my heart with acceptance, love and care which I so desire, which the Father has for me and desires for me. Holy Spirit, help me believe that I am special and precious to the Father, that He loves me like no-other, as I am. Father, Holy and Mighty, Loving and Just! You have brought me before You, into your Presence by Jesus and through the Holy Spirits enabling. I desire to know you more, I desire to live for you, I desire to be the MAN/WOMAN youve created me to be. Father, only YOU have a purpose for my life which will bring me joy, peace and love. I ask you Father that You would lead me forth onto the path you have for me. Lead me as a Sheppard leads His Sheep. Let my life be growing into holiness, truth, justice, obedience, and Love for you above all, and also for those around me. Lead me through Scripture and speak to me. Speak to me through everyday experiences, open my eyes to see, so that my faith might grow, open my ears to hear, so I might delight in you, make my soul sensitive to your Spirit that I might be enthralled by your Presence. Holy Spirit, fill me with Peace, Love and Joy which comes from the Father, that people might look at me, and that I may have an opportunity to share how awesome your grace, forgiveness and love is. I ask you Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit for a heart of obedience and courage, to do what you call me to do, to say, think and go where you lead me.

Glory and Praise fills my heart as I consider my past, that Ive been healed, set free and am now on a new road, leading me into everything You have planned and in store for me! Jesus, Father and Holy Spirit, I desire every GIFT, every BLESSING and every THOUGHT you have for me and towards me. I desire these because of your love for me, and I will delight in myself in them, grow my faith in You because of them and I will be in a place to share. As a child delights in gifts from their parents, so I desire to be delighted in You and Your precious gifts for me! I love you my Father, Savior and Guide. Continue the prayer, continue in worship, continue the song which might be on your heart, and if Its a worldly song, replace a word or two and make it about God, or sing the original words, but dedicate the joy you have in it to God! Now, believe you are cleansed, released, set free and on a new path. You have said what was on your heart, what you desired and more. Now, we can testify with David: Ps.18. Notice: Vs. 1-3: Acknowledgement of Gods Love, Protection and Salvation. Vs. 4-5 Acknowledgement of the distress we were in and often find ourselves in. Vs. 6 God hears our cries and pleads for salvation/rescue. Vs. 7-15 God answers! He moves heaven and earth to answer our cries and please for salvation/resue. Vs. 16-19 God rescues us from our situations (Vs.19 BECAUSE HE DELIGHTS IN US!). Vs. 20-23 We are clean, obedient and lovers of God, sinners and His Church according to His word and our confession of sins to Him (as we prayed earlier). AND because of these: Vs.23 We can keep ourselves from guilt! When our hearts condemn us, or the devil or people, we can keep ourselves from that guilt. Vs. 24-27 God deals with us according to our hearts, its thus very important to be open to His Spirit, to confess any sin or shortcoming, pain and hurt and ask Him to help us there. When the Pain is so real it brings your heart to swear; then swear to the Father, shout at Him your frustration, your pain, your disappointment. Be real with Him, be true with Him, be Honest with Him. The load that you are/were carrying will vanish like mist in the sun. I have done this, and in a couple of min, the burden, pain and suffering was gone. I brought EXACTLY to God how I felt, I did not hold back, I did not spare any emotion! Remember, His Spirit searches our Hearts and Gods Heart. His Spirit knows whats going on inside of you, so why cover it up? Rather,

let it ALL out, repent afterwards if you are so lead, but tell Him: Father, this is me, this is my heart, You know it, and I am not going to try and fool you, I will be real, truthful and honest with you re. my emotions. Father, I did this as I dont want anything to be built up in me, I want to live free in You, by Your grace, by the cleansing blood of Jesus and by the guiding of Your Spirit. Forgive me my words and heart, release me, and cleanse me. Thank you that I can come to you, bearing my soul and emotions in utter openness. I Love you for You! Now, quieten your mind. Wait on God, let His peace come and fill your soul, then rejoice in Him, sing and/or dance to Him. He has set you free, and will do it again! DO NOT HOLD BACK FROM GOD, HE KNOWS YOUR INNERMOST BEING, WHY HIDE!? I know there are exceptions, but for us who do experience an emotional rollercoaster from time to time, I have learned the following: During the emotional highs, push into God! Read his Word, praying specific scriptures to become rocks in your life on which you will stand during lows, ask the Holy Spirit to bring THESE specific scriptures to your mind during these lows, they will be the bread of life when you need it most! Search His scriptures and His heart for what They say about you. Sing songs to God in your heart, and even out-loud if circumstances presents itself. Tell yourself and God, that tonight, today, this morning, I would rather stay than go to gym, I would rather NOT watch that TV program (record it) but Father, I want to spend time with you. Your heart will be filled with love! It wont be Love because of what you are doing, but rather, you WILL experience a sense of Love which permeates Gods being and since HIS Spirit is dwelling in you, that Love and desire which floods Gods Being for you (because of your selfless sacrifice) will flood your soul and spirit from His Spirit! Each precious moment, thought, energy we spent on God is selfless, it grows us closer to God, it strengthens us against attacks from the devil, it heals us from the past, it grows us into who God designed us to be, and MOST of all, it is WHY God designed us, Its HIS hearts desire for us to spend time with Him, not because of duty or I must, but rather, because I want to. BUT, I dont want to! or I want to BUT just dont do it! or I planned to, but something happened! ororor I just DONT want to!. The above doesnt matter! AMAZING! Remember what I said, a few paragraphs ago: Read his Word, praying specific scriptures to become rocks in your life on which you will stand during lows, ask the Holy Spirit to bring THESE specific scriptures to your mind during these lows When you are flooded with GUILT because you DONT or DIDNT then GO TO GOD! Amazing thing about His Love is that it always FORGIVES an HONEST and CONTRITE heart! God knows your heart anyway! Why not just come out and say or shout or whisper to Him whats on your Heart?

Father, I know I should WANT to, but I DONT or Father, I know I should MAKE TIME, but I dont know WHEN or Father, I know I could, but I so badly WANTED TO do. A person who loves you, will forgive you when you say: I will spend time with you but then you DONT. Problem is, HOW many TIMES can you say I will and then DONT before unforgiveness will settle in? Aah, God is like that, I get the picture, I understand what you are saying. Sorry, dont want to DISSAPOINT you, BUT, THOUGHT people might be like that, GOD IS NOT! Remember, Jesus died and Rose so that we can have Life, and so that we can live free, and so that we can be with the Father? HE DIED SO THAT WE CAN BE FORGIVEN! If we are FORGIVEN, then WE ARE FORGIVEN! Whoa! What does THAT mean?! I means: NO MORE GUILT! So, when you KNOW you SHOULD, but you DIDNT, just go to Father, say you are Sorry, ask Him to Strengthen you, because you WANT to spend time with Him, you WANT to, but you are weak, then SET A TIME, SET A DATE, and remember, the enemy DOESNT want this to HAPPEN, he came to steal and destroy; NOT just you, but your family, your finances, your possessions, your time and especially your TIME WITH GOD! In Ps.18:23 (esv) David proclaims: I was blameless before him, and I kept myself from my guilt. He doesnt say: and God/Scripture/Jesus/meditation/friends/family/works/entertainment kept me from my guilt. NO, when guilt came, he KNEW he was blameless before GOD, he KNEW God proclaimed him innocent, that he was righteous before God! Yes, David stumbled numerous times; just read through Psalms and you will see him on an emotional HIGH and the next Psalm his soul would be downcast. But he Knew, he was innocent before God! How can we know this to the point that it is as breathing to us? We practice it, we willfully thank Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit for THEIR love for us, and we proclaim, I love you Jesus, I love you Father, I love you Spirit! Say it again and again, repeat it and it will become a rock a knowing in your soul, read those precious scriptures again and again, pray over them, read them and take them in your thoughts to work. Surprise God with cancelling what you were going to do and spend that precious time with Him.

How wonderful it is when we receive and sms or email from a close friend just saying they were thinking of us, or they are popping in for a quick visit. God always have time for us, our visits will never interrupt Him, He jumps and twirls with joy when we meet with Him, His face beams with delight when you give Him a call, as the movie line goes (Adapted to be the thoughts of God): Go ahead, make My day!. And so precious are each of us, you and me have a special place in Gods heart! Your name is written on His hand! As an experiment, write your best friends name on your hand, see how often you see it and how often you are reminded of that personhow much more the GOD of the universe when yours and my name is written on His ALMIGHTY AND LOVING hand? You didnt take 9 months to weave your friend into the person he or she is today, you dont have plans for them to prosper, and you dont look after them like a hen protects her chicks. **AS I WAS READING EVERYTHING BEFORE, I REALIZED THAT IT COULD SO EASILY SOUND AS IF I WENT THROUGH ALL MY ISSUES, APPLIED ABOVE READING AND ALL WAS WELL WITH MY SOUL! LET ME BE REAL WITH YOU AGAIN. THE 4 OR SO PRECEDING AND PAGES AND POINTS 1 AND 2 BELOW, I WROTE LAST SAT. MORNING (04-10-2008), ON SUNDAY I WENT AWAY TO SPEND TIME WITH GOD. I WENT TO MAGALIESBERG, CLIMBED TO A HILLET, AND LOOKED OVER NATURE, AND JUST SPENT TIME WITH GOD. IT WAS A HOT DAY AND UPON REACHING MY DESTINATION, I WAS QUITE HOT AND SWEATY. I WAS SITTING IN A SLIGHT, COOL BREAZE, WHICH SOON DIED DOWN. BUT I KNOW GOD IS REAL, HE IS THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS, SO I ASKED THE HOLY SPIRIT, TO BRING A COOL, REFRESHING BREEZE TO BLOW UPON ME, AND ALSO FOR HIM, LIKEWISE TO BLOW UPON MY SOUL, THAT MY FLESH, SOUL AND SPIRIT MIGHT BE TOUCHED BY HIM, AND HE DID. A COOL BREAZE BLEW UPON ME, I WAS OVERJOYED. GOD, YOU ARE REAL, LIVING AND AMAZING! (THAT WAS SUNDAY) LASTNIGHT THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY, I WAS LAYING IN BED, CRYING TO GOD, ASKING HIM WHY IT SEEMS MY WORLD IS FALLING APART? ASKING HIM IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM, IF MY HEART IS GOOD ENOUGH, IF I AM GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALL THAT HE HAS FOR ME, IF HE IS PROUD TO CALL ME HIS SON..IF..IF..IF. I WAS SO CLOSE, SO SECURE, SO FOCUSSED ON GOD, AND I ALLOWED DOUBT, SURCUMSTANSES, WORK, INSECURITY AND MY DESIRE FOR A WIFE CONSUME ME, DISTRACT ME AND TAKE MY FOCUS AWAY FROM GOD. (NOTICE THAT I AM NOT BLAIMING THE DEVIL AS I AM NOT SURE WHICH, IF ANY, IS HIS WORK) CREATING A BABY TAKES 9 MONTHS FOR GOD, WE WOULD BE FOOLISH TO RUSH GOD TO BRING HEALING IN OUR HEARTS. WE NEED TO BE PATIENT WITH GOD AND OURSELVES, WE NEED TO CONTINUE COMING BACK TO GOD AFTER FALLING, ASK GOD TO BRING YOU BACK, ASK HIS SPIRIT TO BRING YOU BACK AND REMEMBER: GOD IS LIFE, HIS SPIRIT GIVES LIFE, IF YOU ARE STILL BREATHING,

THEN HIS SPIRIT IS STILL GIVING YOU LIVE, WHICH MEANS THERE IS STILL AN UNSEVERED CONNECTION BETWEEN YOU AND GOD, AND THUS YOUR WORDS WILL NOT FALL ON DEATH EARS. TAKE A BREATH AAHTHE LIFE OF GOD, NOW SPEAK WITH THAT BLESSING OF AIR IN YOUR LUNGS!

If we can fathom somebody loving us, or even fathom us loving someone; Gods love is never ending, we cannot begin to fathom how much He loves us. Lets dissect a scripture about love: Funny enough the heading is: Prayer for Spiritual Strength Ephesians 3: 14-21 1. WE NEED ENABLING! Vs.14 I bow my knees before the Father I need to ask the Father: a. Vs. 16 for Power Power Through HIS SPIRIT in our inner being b. Vs. 17 for Faith Christ may dwell in your hearts through Faith c. Vs. 17 to be Immovable\Secure that you, being rooted and grounded in love d. Vs. 18 for Strength may have strength 2. WHAT ARE WE TO BE ENABLED FOR? Vs.19 that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. a. Vs.14 For this reason... what reason? (Vs. 18 to know the love of Christ) b. Vs. 18 to comprehend comprehend what? (the love of Christ) c. Vs. 18 to know know what? (the love of Christ) d. Vs. 18 be FILLED filled with what? (the fullness of God which was manifested in the love of Christ) 3. WHEN WILL THIS HAPPEN? a. Past, Now and Ongoing Vs. 20 the power at work within us, 4. HOW WILL THIS HAPPEN? a. Ask and Think Vs. 20 Him who is able to do far morethanwe ask or think, 5. WHO WILL DO ALL OF THIS? a. THE FATHER WILL:

i. Vs. 14 I bow my knees before the FATHERaccording to the riches of HIS glory, HE may grant you b. THE SPIRIT WILL: i. Vs. 16 strengthened with power through his SPIRIT c. JESUS CHRIST WILL: i. Vs.17 so that CHRIST may dwell in your hearts d. I WILL: i. Vs. 14 I bow my knees ii. Vs. 16 grant youin your iii. Vs. 17 in your hearts iv. Vs.17/18 youwith all the saints v. Vs. 19 you may be filled vi. Vs. 20 all we ask or thinkat work within us