RE: Joint Ruling on the Anchored Putting Stroke Dear Golf Lovers: After much consultation between ourselves

and Donald Trump, we at the DHGA have today agreed and ratified a set of regulations regarding the use of anchoring belly putters. We are conscious that some of these regulations may not be popular for the many who have become accustomed to using long putters anchored in some manner (or cheats as they are often referred to), but we can assure them our intentions throughout were always to return the game to the fundamental way it was first played in Scotland in the 15th century. Minus that, of course, are titanium drivers, hollow heads, graphite shafts, cavity back irons, spin milled wedges and four-piece balls. We strongly refute any suggestions that we are introducing these measures to somehow aid Tiger Woods win more majors, boost TV ratings or make more money for ourselves like in the good ole days. We also spent much time deliberating as to exactly what sections of the golfing public the following regulations should apply to. Many have argued the new regulations should apply solely to professionals and top amateurs and not to recreational golfers, but here amongst the sports governing bodies, we are in unanimous agreement in equality for all throughout the great game of golf, except for of course, women. The following regulations will therefore apply to all, effective January 1, 2013. Except for of course, women.

New Regulations
Putter Length From January 1, 2013, the putter in play may not extend past the tip of the male member1, in its resting state. The use of Viagra, Cialis, pumps or other aids to artificially increase the height or girth of the male member in order to use a longer putter is strictly prohibited. Cases Where Long Putters Are To Be Permitted Long putters may still be carried in a players bag for the use of retrieving submerged golf balls from lakes and ponds, for scooping balls from bunkers you dont wish to step in and for generally leaning on during periods of slow play. Long putters may also be used to wave frantically at women in cases where they are slow to putt out on par 3s or mark a putt inside 4 inches. Bellies & Anchors In the interests of fairness and having listened to both sides throughout the belly putting anchoring debate, we believe it is important if prohibiting the use of putters to also introduce regulations on bellies and anchors. Thus we are also banning bellies from all professional and amateur competition effective January 1, 2014. This will allow a one-year slimming-down period for all players which we believe to be ample, no pun intended.
1

For male member see Wiener, Pecker, Thing, Tool, It, Shlong, Doinker, Ding a Ling, Pork Sword, Pole

From this date, all players will be expected to weigh in like boxers or jockeys on the first tee at all events. The rule applies to all bellies including Skinny Frame Pot Bellies, Paunches, Peek Overs, Beer Bellies, Kangaroo Guts and Fuzzy Bellies. We believe this will promote a healthier Tour, cooler walks, a better image, faster play and save us millions of dollars in coffee and doughnuts annually. It will also benefit players in that they will be able to now see the ball at address which may have heretofore been obscured by the belly. The carrying of anchors during tournament play, be they on jewelry, Popeye anchor tattoos on the body or ships anchors hidden inside the bag, is strictly forbidden. This rule may be enforced during random checks by officials. A player may also report a fellow player, who is seen to have an anchor in his bag, to a rules official. Putter Heads While reviewing the belly putter anchoring debate, we got really into it at one stage and decided to introduce the following rules on putter heads effective January 1, 2013. From this date putter heads resembling the following are to be banned from golf at all levels: (a) A block of cheese (b) A spaceship (c) Batmans flying weapon thing (d) A stealth plane We hope that this now clarifies the rules as regards to belly putting and putter heads and we can all move forward and continue doing what it is we do best. For you the golfing public, this is enjoying the great game of golf as Old Tom Morris would have intended it, in all its MOI-mashing, COR-smashing, restitution spinning titanium, Trackman trajectory glory. For us, its tackling Bird Man. Very truly yours, Donal Doc Hughes Executive Director