NEWSLETTER

COUNSELING BY JUDY THE VALUE OF SELF-ESTEEM

Self-esteem is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and how worthy we consider ourselves to be. Those feelings are based on the degree to which we believe we are lovable and capable. Good relationships, successful experiences, and positive thinking all promote high self-esteem. Self-esteem is developed primarily during childhood. It is shaped largely by the positive and negative messages we receive from our parents, family members, friends, and society. Early on, our parents are the most influential; they serve as a psychological mirror through which we see ourselves. When were young, we accept and internalize information and labels that are bestowed upon us. We dont question our parents appraisals or expectations of us; we question our own adequacy. Predominantly negative input (via words and actions) results in low selfesteem, leading to denial of personal needs, harsh personal judgments, and feelings of inferiority. Invariably, low self-esteem negatively impacts our relationships as well. Individuals with low self-esteem feel compelled to control other people and things, as well as obtain constant approval and reassurance. Interactions are often strained; feelings of victimization and abandonment are commonly experienced. Positive self-esteem is the key to achieving success in life. If we believe we have what it takes to succeed, we can do so. Although circumstances can cause our sense of self-worth to fluctuate, it is our core beliefs about ourselves- our attitudes, thoughts, and perceptions- that determine our overall sense of value. Personal success is the fuel that sustains it.

FALL 2012

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.

~Malcolm S. Forbes

Judy Kaminsky, MFT

Specializing in, but not limited to, Marriage & Family Therapy 600 West Germantown Pike- Suite 400 Plymouth Meeting, Pennsylvania 19462 (610)-940-1710 counselingbyjudy@comcast.net www.counselingbyjudy.com

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SIGNS OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM Insecurity Reluctance to take on challenges Overwhelming fear of failure Self-doubt Self-deprecating thoughts Passivity; social withdrawal and anxiety around others Intense fear of intimacy Excessive fear of rejection Undue concern about what others might think of us Difficulty accepting compliments or recognition Reluctance to consider our own needs; Self-neglect Condemnation of others in order to feel good about ourselves Self-blame Lack of faith in our own judgment Need for constant reassurance & approval Frequent attempts to portray a flawless image of our self to others Dissatisfaction with our self; perfectionistic

HOW TO Promote POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM IN CHILDREN

Provide unconditional love. Establish developmentally appropriate goals & expectations. Provide opportunities for building skills and for potential achievements. Encourage your child to face challenges & take appropriate risks. Avoid rescuing. It conveys the message you dont think your child can handle it alone. Instead, provide support & encouragement. Communicate your confidence in your child and in his/her future. Spend quality time playing, relaxing, & working with him/her. Value your childs unique strengths, interests, & skills. When expressing disapproval, focus on the behavior, NOT the child. Demonstrate genuine interest in your childs activities, hobbies, etc. Never compare one child to another. Convey respect for your childs feelings, beliefs, and individuality, by listening with sincere interest. Avoid using putdowns, labels, and name-calling. Give honest, concrete, positive feedback, not overblown praise, for a job well done & for effort applied. Nurture your own self-esteem; be a good role model by taking pride in who you are.

TIPS FOR IMPROVING SELF-ESTEEM

Healthy relationships, job satisfaction, and overall happiness depend largely on good self-esteem. When you feel positive about yourself, you have an easier time coping with your mistakes, disappointments, and failures; you are more likely to persevere. Raising self-esteem cannot be accomplished by simply being bombarded with praise from other people. Empty praise is superficial and, as such, it is experienced as meaningless. Self-esteem must be developed through personal accomplishments, individualized attention, and connection with others. Establish realistic goals and expectations for yourself, and learn skills required to achieve those goals. Believe in your abilities and in yourself. Doing so may require you to change your belief system about yourself. Do you need to replace negative self-talk with more supportive and compassionate self-talk? Keep in mind that it is counterproductive to negatively compare yourself to others. Instead, focus on your good qualities, achievements, and talents. Rather than viewing your perceived failures as inadequacies, look at them as temporary setbacks. Avoid discounting the things that go well for you and refrain from magnifying the things that do not go well. It is more productive to concentrate on the positive experiences, using them as springboards for future successes. When you make mistakes along the way, and everyone does, view them as learning opportunities. Acknowledge and validate yourself on a daily basis for your accomplishments and efforts as a partner, friend, parent, and/or coworker. Strive for achievement rather than perfection. As the saying goes, Perfection is the enemy of success. Recognize and accept that there are certain things you can change about yourself, and certain things you cant. Dont waste time and energy beating yourself up about your shortcomings. We all have them! Its never too late to raise your self-esteem. If low self-esteem remains an obstacle for you in attaining fulfillment in your personal and professional life, professional counseling can be an invaluable resource.