Meta-talk: guide to hidden meanings in conversations by Gerard Nierenberg

Chapter 1Another language: Meta-talk Effective talk is a blend of many skills evolved over a long learning period o Listening is also learned The levels of talk o Talk exists on 3 levels of meaning What the speaker is saying Requires little consideration o Simply deals with the words a person uses o Doesnt consider how words are understood Words dont carry emotional messages Dont reveal what has been said Circumstance and context have to be known Ex.: how do you do? What the speaker thinks he is saying While the speaker thinks they are being understood on one level, the listener may be listening on an entirely different level What the listener thinks the speaker is saying While the speaker thinks they are being understood on one level, the listener may be listening on an entirely different level o The listener may understand too well o The speaker may say something that they want too appear innocuous, while the listener may understand on a deeper level that it is not their true intention Causes more difficulties o the word is not the thing the object can never be the same as the word that designates it the word is merely a symbol o it abstractly holds feelings , attitudes, and emotions Worn-out talk that betrays: clichs, platitudes, and truisms o Clichs are frequently used by people too lazy/unimaginative to perceive a situation and describe it in fresh terms Convenient because long use has made them acceptable Lack the type of mental challenge that furthers communication Usually elicits the reaction of silence or use of another clich A single word when used expressively, and for a certain effect, can become a clich Ex.: right, incidentally/by the way o Used by people who are shy or unsure of themselves

o The user wants to work up the courage to say what they mean The listener should have recognized signals that the speaker had something to say that they considered important Also used when a speaker wants to mislead the listener into believing that what they have to say is unimportant o Platitudes, aphorisms, maxims are major candidates for clich-ridden conversation Offer instant wisdom that doesnt lend itself to verification through logic or valid experience Many saying contradict each other o Any words and phrases used excessively can become a clich for the speaker How to get close to others: immediacy and distance o Clichs put distance between reality and what is being said o The degree of dis/like can be measured by the actual distance between the speaker and the listener physical movement (or lack) of the eyes and body can reveal how one person responds to another o immediacy principle people are drawn toward persons and things they like, evaluate highly, prefer they avoid or move away from things they dislike, evaluate negatively, or do not prefer o dis/likes are can be indicated, not by actual statements, but by order of words order in which we refer to things show our preferences o first is more important choice of words personal pronouns provide valuable clues o 1st person pronouns are verbally closer than he, she, it o They is the most remote of all Implies a sense of disapproval Often reveals deepest prejudices o We used collectively is the most immediate Implies acceptance grammatical usage verbs can mirror degree of closeness or distance of feeling between the speaker and the person/object spoken about o express action or state of being mood, tense and voice also indicate immediacy/distance in time or place of an act Life as a listening post o Good communication requires a balanced effort from both parties in listening and talk

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Dont be so enamored with your own ideas that you disregard that the other party might assist in aiding the conversation Nondirective listening Take time to listen Be attentive Give the speaker feedback Not probe for additional information Difference between probing and curious intent Not be critical Postpone giving advice Respect the speaker and their worth Symptoms of a poor listener Early rejection of the subject Uninteresting Already known Too complicated or simple Consider aspects of the speaker other than what they are saying Permits mind to be captured by a segment of the response, cutting off the continuation of the response Selective perception

Chapter 2Putting the listener in a frame of mind Hiding the halo: arrogance and false modesty o Arrogance especially fosters resentment in any group Especially of presumed equals Lofty we is a good example If you arent in the we then you are being patronized o Self-deprecating words can be a sign of arrogance through false modesty o Im not boasting but, In my humble opinion, is a good sign of false humility I do the best I can; Far be it from me to say; I know Im a terrible person; if you ask my opinion; its not that Im False humility is also in phrases that seem to suggest that the speaker is not taking any chances of insulting the listeners intelligence by saying something that they are already aware of As you are aware; As you well know This is often not the case o Simply a way to draw sharp attention to the listeners ignorance and set themselves apart from them Softeners, foreboders, continuers, interesters, and downers o Softeners Preface expression intended to influence the listener in a positive manner

Youre going to like what Im about to tell you; Prepares the listener for what is believed to be good news It goes without saying Attempt to get agreement before stating something What Im about to tell you A disclosure that must be handled carefully Off the top of my head; dont take me seriously Would you be kind enough Attempts to influence with praise/flattery Im sure someone as intelligent as you Strokes the listeners ego Youre very perceptive; What is your expert opinion of my Asks for concurrence, not censure No one uses these expressions looking for negative responses You are right but Attempts to avoid conflict by feigned agreement o Used for justification rather than contrition But; yet; however; still Incongruous qualifiers that often follow acceptance statements Communicate that the person does not feel you are right but would like to soften the blow Foreboders Put listeners in a negative, anxious frame of mind Nothing is wrong Something is wrong but the person doesnt want to talk about it It really doesnt matter It does matter Dont worry about me Please worry about me I have nothing more to say I have a lot more to say Continuers Expressions that attempt to get the listener to disclose their thoughts What else is new? Attempt to get others to talk o Act as incentives to keep the other person talking o Benefit depends on the motive Often used in winner-take-all negotiating situations o The player of this game makes the rules o The loser seldom feels bound by this Go on; Now youre talking; Thats very good; I like that

Interesters Attempt to arouse the interest of the listener And do you know what he said? Strong plea for interest and undivided attention o Less is more Sometimes used to get concurrence from another particularly in a conflict looking for 3rd-party support o After all Ive done, do you know what she said? o The person will supply information about their feelings and attitudes, usually complimenting themselves hoping to influence the listener to support them Guess what happened? The listener is subtly being told to ask What so that the speaker will feel encouraged to share unimportant information o The listener is not really given a choice o Reveals that the speaker is uncertain they have anything relevant or interesting to say Did you hear the one about? Instructs the listener to conceal any knowledge of the joke that follows o They are instructed to become interested and ready to laugh A yes is not expected; the question merely alerts the listener What do you think of Calls for interest and agreement Followed by insights into the prejudices of the user I could say something about that Draws attention to a conflicting statement by seeming to avoid confrontation o I-dont-want-to-cause-trouble-but-i-will-anyway A person resisting the disclosure of true feelings may use this after a long sigh to demonstrate their patience and discipline When 2 parties discuss a 3rd, it can be a way to inspire interest rather than conflict o Then signals the beginning of a gossip session o Usually gets an immediate reaction from the listener Downers Used to intentionally put the listener in a defensive state of mind How about Arouses extreme tension in an otherwise cooperative environment When repeated the cumulative effect angers Are you happy now?

Intended to put the listener on the defensive for having caused the speaker so much humiliation and anguish o Cry of a poor loser Dont make me laugh Mean-hearted reaction to another human beings request Effectively cuts off further communication Dont be ridiculous Authoritarian; everything is black and white Needless to say Reveals ambivalence of feelings, envy or jealousy covered by positive love feelings Conveys a sense of superiority of ones own beliefs o Projection of own feelings Convincers: Attempts at logical reasoning o Verbal logic to justify our proof and strengthen our attitudes, preconceived ideas, notions, and assumptions o Anyone can do it Implies that the task is so simple even a moron could successfully do it o Doesnt everyone? Commonly asked when a persons conduct or morals are called into question o Anyone can follow my line of reasoning Attempt to persuade by intimidation, although it is cloaked in the logic of I find it simple, therefore it is simple, therefore anyone can grasp it o I think we all agree Appeals for consensus by threat of ostracism from the group o Let me make one thing clear Openly shows contempt for the listeners intelligence o Im not suggesting anything No, the speaker is telling the listener o Dont be unreasonable A strong-arm expression that uses judgment from on high Strokers: Understanding and using needs and values o Many who use a strong-arm approach have assumed that their oppositions needs are the same as their own In an attempt to influence others, they have influenced themselves o When attempting to influence, be aware of the others needs and values They arent your own o Frustration statements Whats the use Inflection of the voice rather than the words indicate state of mind o Rising pitch signals a question

Whats the use? A person with ready answers would ask such a question Will take a positive approach that solutions are available o Falling pitch states that nothing can be done about the situation I cant cope with this anymore Forget it Equivalent of Youre welcome/Dont mention it if said in a friendly way Bitter tone; You havent listened to what I said. I refuse to talk about it anymore You win Indicates that the speaker and the listener both have the idea that the communication is a game where one wins and the other loses Effective communication cant take place at this level This statement is a sign of frustration o Should be regarded as a signal to stop playing games and try to accomplish something Self-doubt statements Statements that plead with the listener to accept without question the veracity of everything that the speaker has to say Have little value except as communication stoppers Probably everything that follows is going to be a lie or half-truth The speakers use may only reinforce their own self-doubt and the listeners disbelief Believe me; Im not kidding; I have to tell you; I wouldnt lie to you Hostility statements Indicate speakers weakness Abrupt attempts to terminate a conversation can frequently be traced to the fact that the speaker feels they have lost an argument Tries to regain control of the situation by displaying their power to choose what will/wont be discussed Stay out of this; mind your own business; the matter is closed; I dont want to hear/talk about it anymore Reassurance questions The speaker looks to be reassured of their own actions How do you like my; what do you think of my plan; I didnt go too far, did i? Often the listener gives a critical reply I like it, but In these situations it is always better to be up front and critical or reassuring Not one then take it away or amend it Denial statements

A device used by superstitious people to avert the evil eye Used by some to pretend that things are better than they actually are You dont think somethings happened, do you? Means I think somethings happened Denial statement seek information while pretending to be above mere curiosity I dont want to hear any gossip/rumors Means, just give me the sordid facts You wont believe it but; I shouldnt say this, but Knows full well it may be spread around The need to feel important with secret information Pleaders: Dealing with emotions o Envy Often mirrored in meta-talk of the sour-grapes variety Such a universal emotion that it is easy to be cynical of any statement beginning I wouldnt want a Tone of voice and congruent gestures will tell you whether a person is envious of the material possessions of others or whether he gives them lesser priority in life o Self-interest Everyone must have some to survive, but too much becomes selfish You asked for it; dog eat dog Indicate a person who has virtually cut themselves off from others o Uncertainty May produce meta-talk that insinuates the speaker cant do something at all These statements are rationalizations that prepare for failure o The lower the aspirations of a person Ill do my best; Ill try May be interpreted as my best isnt good enough; I cant do it; Im not sure I can do this; Statements like this inspire the question Dont you think you can do it? Highly motivated people try less and do more Also a sign of low self-confidence, which doesnt necessarily limit ability Some people prepare for failure by making prediction statements Watch me trip on those stairs Remarks carried over from childhood when, by anticipating disaster, the person could save them self from embarrassment if it did happen If-then statements If I had X, Y, and Z, then Id be able to Perfectly legitimate if X, Y, and Z are realistic requests o Often they merely place blame for failure somewhere other than the person

Concealed aggression Do you mind if I; have you ever considered doing Polite prefaces often used to soften penetrating questions / abrupt statements If used sparingly these can grease the wheels of communication If overused they tend to build resentment o Press the point too hard May I ask a question? Provokes a sullen No when an aggressive person signals the desire to dominate the conversation Rather than ultimatum, use patience and understanding to reach agreement condescension Superiority in status, brains, or money is difficult to conceal even if wanted to Can usually overcome this if proper respect is given Thats nothing. You should see; As you may remember; Dont you know that These all say, Im better Anger / annoyance Voice becomes staccato, gestures more pronounced and negative You surprise me; What do you mean by that?; I could answer that if you really wanted me to

Chapter 3We listen differently since Freud Rationalization o Attempt to hide uncomfortable emotions behind a mask of indifference There is no use trying to reason; They would never understand o I dont care what people think of me A launch pad for defense of conduct Made more emphatic by adverbs like sincerely, really, honestly o Good riddance Im hurt/humiliated and I do care o Only is often used for the purpose of denial/excuse It was only a dream; I was only gone for a few minutes Projection o Unconscious attribution of own anxious feelings to others Projection gives the speaker a sense of justification Now its their fault Most people can cope with external enemies better than internal like that nagging conscience o Business is business Attempt to show that a persons distorted concept of business ethics are the ethics of the entire commercial community o Everyone lies

The believer really cant believe any one o You hate me Perhaps they are really saying I hate you. The wise will find out why o Substituting an acceptable motive for the base motive Out of the goodness of my heart May actually be giving to relieve a guilty conscience o I/we am/are so happy They really are happy; they feel guilty about being happy; they are worried that their happiness is an illusion Displacement o Relieving psychological tensions by taking it out on an inanimate object Not only negative Sublimation When a socially disapproved act is replaced by a socially acceptable one o Immature actions can predict how someone will respond to other life situations Introjection o Unconsciously incorporating ideas and attitudes into ones personality o Can often be observed in conversation Offers interesting clues to the speakers personality o My unconsciously reveals close attachment When being critical my seldom appears in the conversation My wife can be neutral, indicate a close relationship, or suggest possessiveness The old lady denies emotional involvement and indicates hostility Repression o Situations and emotions that represent emotional danger and create anxiety Subconsciously ignored o I forgot Often true, but not an accident that the thing forgotten might not be happy o The accident prone or those that constantly lose things have an unconscious desire to punish them self for something o Dont get me wrong What follows is a summary of what a person really desires o I wouldnt want that Verbal denial which may mean I want that very much The last thing I would want to have happen is Gives immediacy to it Reaction formation o Takes place when people want to hide an emotion that causes anxiety with exactly the opposite emotion Love/hate; submission/aggression No matter how a person may try to convince you with extreme politeness

The underlying feeling of concealed disdain may dominate emotion o Often denoted by artificial enthusiasm Such a lovely party; I just adore your husband; I couldnt agree with you more Psychological pioneers o Harry Stack Sullivan Verbalisms Statements that describe hidden meanings Prejudicial verbalisms Result of selective perception We fail to recognize the actual import of things we see, hear, think, do o Not because there is the matter but because the process of inferential analysis is opposed by self-esteem o I know-I know; based on my experience; from my point of view o Sandor Feldman People often consciously/unconsciously conceal what they truly want to say by the use of meta-talk By the way Personal censorship combined with an overwhelming drive to say something significant Dont jump to conclusions Pay attention to clusters of phrases and gestures

Chapter 4Some past and present ideas about talk Aristotelian rhetoric o Elements of rhetoric Persuasion, public speaking, logical discussion o The art of negotiation is one example of problems that rhetoric can meet Benthams linguistic studies o Probability range Fact (certain), hypothesis (probable), theory (possible), fiction (impossible) o When fictions are used they should be made known to the listener so they can properly understand their use o Use neutral expressions to purge unsuitable ideas Sexual desire rather than lust General semantics o Extensional discipline which explains and trains us how to use our nervous system more efficiently o We dont tend to realize the limits of abstractions like words/symbols Allow ourselves to be triggered into uncontrolled responses by them o Semantic devices Indexing

Dating To show process, changing world the rhetoric of Aristotle is not the rhetoric of the 19th century nor the rhetoric of today Etc. To avoid thinking we have considered all Understanding talk is useful in the home, business, social events, etc. Hyphen To show relatedness Talking is an emotional-intellectual process Quotation marks For attention to the word He listens quite emotionally Circularity Relatedness of everything When we start talking, we never know where it will end Extensional To relate to the outside world I said I could prove there are bugs in this room. That [pointing] is proof Quantifying terms For degrees Exactly to what extent am I committed to saying yes Abstracting We make our own abstractions I call it as I see it Self-reflexiveness We use language to speak about language We can talk about talk Multi-ordinality Meanings of words change according to the verbal level on which they are used Sex has different meanings for the child, teenager, and adult Chapter 5Categories of talk and their degree of reliability You must be able to place the talk that you listen to in its appropriate category o Allows you to understand what is being offered and hidden Group prejudgement

To show the uniqueness of everything in the world Problems in understanding talk have led to misunderstandings; different talk situations requires different considerations

What do you expect of their kind? Based upon limited, and unfortunate, experience, perhaps 3 or 4 of their kind Insufficient information o Basing conclusions off of few details o Dont confuse me with the facts, Ive already made up my mind Stereotyped information o Dealing with information in an egg-crate fashion The world is divided into small, self-contained segments Things cant take place outside of their rigid boundaries Talk patterns confirm and reinforce the boundaries o The candidate is a liberal-radical-conservative Personal information o Though there is a degree of reliability it is only for the person based on their person experience and/or prejudice o Based on what I know of him, Id say hes guilty Systematically arranged information o Many people rely on the systematic approach Covers a broad area of life experience o Work fairly well but only within their area of relevance o Its as simple as 1+1=2 Meaningful information o Many of the facts that we accept and use are based upon what we believe in and what we believe everyone should believe in They become meaningful to us because we feel they have been confirmed repeatedly through life experience o The whole is greater than the sum of its parts Information of proven relevance o What has been proven relevant and workable for us has greater degree of reliability for us in the future We are prepared to act in ways that we have found to be reliable and believable o In giving love we lose nothing o

Chapter 6Assumptions Conscious assumptions o Permit us to probe the world before we subject ourselves to an actual experience If the probe is valid we commit; if not we discard the assumption o Assumptions become a problem when they become so essential that they force us to ignore indisputable fact Hidden assumptions o We usually recognize our own hidden assumptions when we come up short in life This draws awareness to the fact that assumption doesnt correspond to reality

If you know a persons assumptions you can understand their facts, premises and predict their conclusions to deal with their behavior Producing unconscious assumptions on others o Everyone makes assumptions Manipulate this by forcing others to make unconscious assumptions o Of course Employed to introduce the assumption the speaker wishes the listener to make Of course I wouldnt hold you to those terms Means yes I would Can also be ambiguous and can be used to let the other person make any hidden assumption o Can create a situation in which the most important questions in the oppositions mind are never brought to the verbal level o

Chapter 7Relationships Through reasoning we impose a system of relationships on a constantly changing world o Once a common element has been defined we use words to define the relationship o Words also define a formal compact between two or more parties o People often make hidden assumptions about their relationships These are often stereotyped clichs Husband-wife relationship o Marriage is 1 long conversation Successful marriages permit the constant flow of ideas With hidden assumptions and clichs the conversation is less successful o Most marriages feature meta-talk that seeks reassurance, expresses suspicion, denies involvement and seeks to establish equilibrium Parent-child relationship o Neither party has a semblance of free choice in choosing on the other o Parents often develop clichs If you dont stop doing that Ill Drive the child to make clichs of their own o Masked authoritarianism Tell their children that they can make their own decisions but say nonverbally that it had better be a choice the parent would approve of Parent-teenager relationship o Teenagers are overly sensitive to meta-talk that threatens to pry into their actions Professional-client relationship o Unique because usually the client seeks out establishment of the relationship Buyer-seller relationship o Salesmen often rely on clichs to avoid saying i dont know

The salesman who says I dont know and proceeds to eagerly find the answer builds a firm relationship o Try often signals that the other should be ready for failure to produce Puts distance between the subject and the desired object Superior-subordinate relationship o Trust be first established Lovers relationship o Brief and based on fact-finding and seeking approval o Often use negative statements to state desires and get approval

Chapter 8Situations Business situations o sandwich statements A slice of praise, filling of criticism, topped off with a negative observation You did a good job on that (compliment), but you didnt complete the final invoicing correctly (criticism). Think youll get the next one right? (doubt) Many dont hear the compliment or it is erased due to the but Social situations o Casual talk is an attempt to discover common ground with a stranger Build on broad areas rather than searching for narrow specifics Situations with acquaintances and friends o Friend of mine denotes some degree of involvement and usually mean I o Usually filled with defender statements o A common impediment is to setup a friend as the judge of actions/words that should be ruled on by ones own conscience or experience Situations with strangers o Plain clichs are ineffective in breaking the ice with a complete stranger o People tend to be apprehensive when asked to answer questions that require personal facts or if they dont know how the answer will commit them Unhappy situations o Displacement takes a big role Politicians and meta-talk

Chapter 9Walk through life, talk with everybody Talk is a process o To be effective it should be Flexible Suitable for any situation The more you use talk flavored with your judgment o The more people you will have to talk to

o The more people will want to talk to you When you speak with someone they are no longer strangers o They become unique individuals who can help make your life more complete