On the Optimality of Samanthas Birfdays

Lee October 30, 2012

Abstract Many [1, 2, 3] relevant gures in the eld of Samanthas birthday have made the bold allegations that the happiness of her future birthdays is contingent on whether the current birthday is her happiest birthday. This paper aims to dispel these false claims with anecdotal evidence and proofy sounding arguments that looks intimidating and sounds complicated. In brief, we will show that the happiness of the average person residing within the United States is (approximately) increasing monotone up until a certain age; by extrapolation of Samanthas age, we will also show that under the assumption that the 2012 birthday being the happiest birthday so far will statistically mean that her best birthday is still yet to come, so the happiness of her future birthdays will not look bleak.

Mean Happiness Function

Happiness Analysis

We can inductively dene an extrapolation From rigorous statistical analysis conducted in function mapping Samanthas birthday satisOctober of 2012 [4], we have, with condence of faction onto our statistical mean happiness 0.000231, a plot of the happiness of birthdays function by assuming that the amount of staas a function of age: tistical signicance lost between a sample of 1, 000, 000 and one of 999, 999 is approaching some small ; therefore, by linearizing the the loss of generality as n , then there exists some such that 106 << 1. Using this argument, we state the following theorem Theorem 1. Samanthas Current Birthday is Optimal up until this point. Proof. We will resort to real world observations. It is the general consensus of irrelevant internet strangers [5, gao, et al] that the assertion that this is Samanthas happiest birthday ever [4] is universally accepted within the eld. This trivially encapsulates an exhaustive case analysis and proves the theorem. Theorem 2. Samanthas birthday is not a priori optimal in the future based on [4]. Proof. The mean happiness analysis above shows that Samantha will, with high probability, have an upward trending strictly increasing 1

As we can immediately see, this empirically proves that the happiness of birthdays is at least asymptotically monotone as approaches age 50 (past which life has no meaning).

happiness function. As such, it is likely that at least one of Samanthas 18th , 19th , or 20th birthdays will be even more awesome than the current one. Furthermore, a stronger version of this theorem have already been posited by [4], who is always right [6], which proves the case.

Conclusion

I am always right [6].

References
[1] Hahn, Thats pretty greedy Lili, this girl probably has a bunch of birthdays ahead of of her and you go and wish her the happiest birthday on this one. Ithaca, 2012. [2] Steckel, On Lee and Alexs pissing contest: Moof, Ignore these creepers. Ithaca, 2012. [3] Schmidt, Alexs status was funnier. Ithaca, 2012 [4] Gao, Research conducted within the span of 5 seconds on a sample of size 1. Ithaca, 2012 [5] Facebook, You are infallible [6] Gao, Lee is always right. Ithaca, 2012