Hemp Stevens Final Cut I

(HEMP STEVENS)
by
(SCOTT BONNER, CLINTON BONNER, JON NOLAN)
Revisions by
(Names of Subsequent Writers,
in Order of Work Performed)
Current Revisions by
(Current Writer, date)
Name (of company, if applicable)

Address
Phone Number
Soft chanting of “GO HEMP GO” is heard. The chanting swells.
FADE IN:
EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM BARCELONA, SPAIN 1992 - DAY
A cloudless day, a packed Olympic stadium is anxious with

excitement. A young HEMP STEVENS stands at the beginning of
a pole-vault track. At 6’3” with an athletic build, dark
wavy hair, and a handsome face, Hemp Stevens stares straight
ahead, focused on the task at hand.
ANNOUNCER 1 (V.O.)
(excited)
One hundred and ten thousand people
on hand, and this is what they all
came to see. Hemp Stevens, perhaps
the greatest olympic hero of all
time in perhaps the greatest
olympic moment of all time!!!
ANNOUNCER 2 (V.O.)
That’s right GIGGS, not only will
Hemp win the gold if he
successfully navigates this jump,
but he would also break the new
world record set by none other than
the “Iron Pole” himself, Russia’s
IVAN JERKINGOV.
CUT TO:
INT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS
A young, well built man with a military haircut is leaning

back on a bench showing no emotion. A large “bulge” in his
spandex shorts is evident. Underneath him, blinking yellow
letters read: “JERKINGOV”.
ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

Just look at him LLYOD, what a
physical specimen, what a man...
What a man.
ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.)

But, if Hemp makes this jump it’ll
be back to Siberia for Jerkingov.
CUT TO:
2.
OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS
Hemp squints his eyes and peers forward, breathing deeply.

You can’t help but to root for this
young man. He’s simply become the
poster-boy for American pole-
vaulting.
ANNOUNCER 2 - LLYOD (V.O.)

Let us not forget all that Hemp has
done and continues to do for his
community back home as well.
CUT TO:
EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
A young black kid runs and pole-vaults over the outstretched

arms of two adults whose arms have formed the cross-bar, as
Hemp looks on in his track suit. The child lands hard onto
the cardboard covered pavement.
CHILD
(looking up)
I wanna be like Hemp.
As the fathers look on and nod in agreement, Hemp gives the

little kid a “thumbs up”.
CUT TO:
INT. ANNOUNCERS’ BOOTH OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS
Two television announcers adorned with puffy orange

microphones are seated behind a “sports” desk.
ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD
Too true Giggs. With Hemp’s
tutelage and dedication, inner city
youths have finally been given the
opportunity to embrace the art and
science, that is pole vaulting.
Hemp’s volunteer work has simply
been unprecedented.
3.
ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS
And Lloyd, as if that weren’t
enough, Hemp is also carrying a 2.5
GPA, all the while being a model
“Patriot” at the University of
Stony Brook back home on Long
Island.
ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD
(smiling at his partner)
And he’s rumored to be circumcised!
CUT TO:
EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS
A MOVING SHOT CIRCLING HEMP’S HEAD
Olympians crowd the side lines as the enormity of the crowd

is seen.

Big guy, county champ, all
American... Well, one thing is for
certain, if Hemp can make this jump
he will forever be immortalized in
the hearts and souls of all
Americans. With all this going for
him, one can only wonder what the
future holds for this fine young
man.
ANNOUNCER 2 - LLYOD (V.O.)

Here’s the moment we have all been
waiting for, Hemp’s unorthodox pre-
jump ritual. Overdone? Perhaps.
Necessary? Certainly not, but it
has become a fan favorite from sea
to shining sea!
With his pole resting on his shoulder, Hemp quickly raises

his loosely closed fists up to eye level. The chanting crowd
hushes. In a clockwise motion, He makes small circles into
the air while slightly moaning, groaning.
HEMP
(circling his hands)
WHUMMPH... WHUMMPH...
CUT TO:
4.
A SERIES OF SHOTS
US TRACK TEAM
They mimic Hemp’s every move.
SECTION OF THE CROWD
All fans are standing, decked out in red, white, and blue.
The entire section circles their hands and grunts along.
AN OVERHEAD BLIMP’S POV
Olympic Stadium is packed. The sounds of the

“WHUMMPH... WHUMMPH... WHUMMPH...” grow and echo throughout.
TIMES SQUARE - NYC
A tremendous crowd is gathered. Thousands of people watch

the “jumbo-tron” as they cheer Hemp on. Next to the jumbo-
tron, a billboard ad for underwear features Hemp Stevens.
The sign reads: “HEMPWEAR U.S.A.”.

(throughout the shots)
He does this bizarre motion twenty-
three times in honor of his pet cat
LU-LU who birthed twenty-three
kittens, just one shy of the all
time record of twenty-four.

Today, here in Barcelona, Hemp
Stevens can establish a record all
his own.
CLOSE SHOT - HEMP
He completes his last rotation as we hear the crowd applaud.

The crowd volume is faded out and now all we can hear is Hemp
taking deep breaths.
5.
NEW ANGLE - WIDER SHOT
The crowd is visibly “going nuts” but all we hear is Hemp’s

breathing. Everything has suddenly slowed down. Hemp takes
his first step in the run and we hear his cleat hitting the
track. A few steps are taken and time has slowed to a crawl.
NEW ANGLE - STATIONARY SHOT BEHIND HEMP
In full speed now with the noise level deafening, Hemp

charges towards the bar, plants his pole in the slot and
launches himself skyward.
NEW ANGLE - SIDE VIEW OF BAR
Hemp’s body is completely parallel to the earth below.
FREEZE FRAME:
CUT TO:
CLOSE SHOT - SECTION OF THE CROWD
A small Chinese man wearing a bright yellow rain slicker

amongst “American” fans pops up out of his seat and snaps a
photo. A slow, dramatic flash is seen and heard.
CUT TO:
PREVIOUS ANGLE - SIDE VIEW OF BAR
His parallel body snaps back to full speed as Hemp soars over
the bar, just clearing his head and landing picture perfectly
on the mat below. Hemp springs off the mat in absolute
elation. He falls to his knees and points to the sky.
A SERIES OF SHOTS
THE U.S. TRACK TEAM
Jumping up and down, embracing, running towards Hemp.
SECTION OF THE CROWD
Everyone is cheering and screaming.
AN OVERHEAD BLIMP’S POV
The entire stadium is erupting with energy.

6.
TIME SQUARE - NYC
New Yorkers embracing and cheering as they watch a slow-

motion replay on the overhead “jumbo-tron”.
CUT TO:
Hemp begins to celebrate as he gets back to his feet. He is

mobbed by his teammates and some spectators who have made it
on to the track.

(throughout the series of
shots, screaming)
He’s done it, he’s done it!!! Holy
Shishkabob Hemp Stevens has done
it, he has become the greatest pole-
vaulter in history!!!

(just as loud and excited)
The man was simply unconscious out
there today ladies and gentleman!
With the weight of the world
pressed squarely upon his
shoulders, Hemp Stevens has reached
the peak, the pinnacle, the very
paramount of pole-vaulting.

A brilliant performance indeed
Lloyd! The future shines ever so
brightly for this new American
icon. What this beloved pole-
vaulting god could possibly do for
an encore, I have no idea.

One man, one pole, one legend!

Hemp Stevens, this is your moment!
Enjoy it!
Hemp is hoisted up by his teammates and draped in an American

flag. As Hemp smiles and waves to the adoring crowd, the
shot “zooms” into his eye and the screen goes black.
FADE TO BLACK.
7.
THE SCREEN READS: HEMP STEVENS
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING, PRESENT DAY
SLOW MOVING SHOT
An unkempt bedroom. A half naked man is asleep. The walls

of the bedroom are covered with newspaper clippings, sports
magazine covers, trophies, plaques, and medals showcasing all
of Hemp’s pole-vaulting accomplishments. One magazine cover
reads: “THE NEXT GREAT ONE”. Another magazine cover reads:
“GO HEMP GO!!! - AMERICA'S HOPES REST WITH STEVEN’S -
COMPLETE OLYMPIC POLE - VAULTING PREVIEW INSIDE”. The shot
now moves across Hemp’s floor. Another sports magazine near
the foot of the bed reads: “BIG POLE, LITTLE MAN - STEVEN’S
GOLD MEDAL TARNISHED BY INCREDIBLY SMALL PENIS”. The cover
photo is of Hemp when he was parallel to the ground. Up his
shorts you can view his genitalia. A magnified close-up of
that region is on the lower right corner of the magazine. We
can clearly see that Hemp has an abnormally small penis.
Other magazines and newspaper clippings are scattered about.
Some clippings read: “LETTERMAN CANCELS ON HEMP DUE TO
PENIS”, “ARSENIO ‘I JUST CAN’T: HEMP CANCELLED’”. The shot
slowly pans up the wall and stops on a pole-vaulting
calendar. It is present day 2006. A ray of sunlight filters
through the blinds and catches Hemp’s face. He slowly opens
his eyes and lethargically rolls out of bed. Sitting
upright, we can see the very dark circles under his eyes as
well as his extra weight. On his night stand rests a “Big
Gulp” soft drink. The cup is “sweating” as moisture beads
drip off of it. Hemp grabs the drink and takes a sip of it.
He quickly pulls away and wears a disgusted look.
HEMP
Oh, Oh, that’s terrible.
Hemp, realizing his television is still on gazes at it with a

most concerned look.
CUT TO:
CLOSE SHOT - TELEVISION SCREEN
A DVD “Menu” featuring an elderly woman smiling is seen.

Soft train whistling is heard from the television. The
“Menu” reads: “GRANNY TRANNY TRAIN, VOL. 6”.
CUT TO:
8.
INT. HEMP’S BED ROOM - FAVORING HEMP
HEMP
That’s horrible.
Hemp gingerly stands up and stretches into the air.
CAT (V.O.)
(muffled through the door)
Hemp, let’s go, we’re running late
dude.
Hemp, mid-stretch collapses his hands to his knees. Looking

around his room, he shakes his head at the complete mess that
exists.
HEMP
That’s awful.
CUT TO:
INT. BATHROOM
Hemp is standing, staring back at himself in the mirror as

the water runs. He is sickly looking. The bathroom is a
dirty mess. Outside the window it is dark and rainy. Hemp
bends over to wash his face. Suddenly he pops back up clean
shaven and dressed in a black tuxedo. The room is immaculate
and bright, and outside it is sunny as birds sing. Hemp
exits the bathroom and enters a small room. On a shelf, a
tiny fish tank sits with a huge black and orange Oscar fish
that is as big as the tank. Next to the tank sits an empty
five gallon water jug. A sign on it reads: “COPPER’S NEW
TANK FUND”. Loose change and a few crumpled bills line the
bottom.
HEMP
What’s up Copper? Who’s hungry?
My growing boy is.
Hemp feeds the fish.
CAT (V.O.)
(screaming)
You’ve got to come down with that.
Hemp finishes up feeding Copper and hurries out the door.
CUT TO:
9.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp enters a living-room. CAT, a dark haired, tall and

thin, blue eyed Irish-American man who loves to gamble, is
sitting on one coach. FELLA, a suave, good looking man, who
can be brutally honest at times and OWEN FITZMAURICE, a
scraggly, short, stocky male are sitting on another couch.
The three are in tuxedos gathered around the TV watching a
computer simulated game of “John Madden Football” on
“Playstation”.
HEMP
Who’s playing?
OWEN
Nobody, computer vs. computer.
Owen points to the Playstation system with the controllers

wrapped up.
HEMP
(excited)
Oh yeah? Nice!
Hopping onto the couch next to Cat.
HEMP
What’s the spread?
OWEN
Raiders giving one and a half.
HEMP
(looking at Cat)
Cat?
CAT
(money in his hand)
Oh I am involved.
Hemp looks at Fella.
FELLA
(holding up his money)
Come on guy.
Owen grabs Fella’s hand and uses it like a microphone.

10.
OWEN
(announcing)
Raiders 33, Seahawks 31, two
seconds left and Seattle is lining
up for what would be the game
wining field goal. Here’s the
snap, the hold the kick is up, it’s
good! It’s good. Seahawks win 34 -
33.
Cat jumps up screaming and pointing at Fella. He shuffles

over to Fella snatching the hundred dollar bill he was
holding. Disgruntled, Fella gets up off the couch. As he
begins to exit, Owen once again grabs his arm.
OWEN
(screaming)
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! THERE IS A
CHALLENGE!
Fella sits back down as Cat looks on in disbelief.
CAT
Challenge? Challenge what? The
ball went right through the up
rights! You can’t do that! Can
they do that?... Illegal spikes on
cleats?!? Field goal denied?!?
PLAYSTATION GAME ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

(in a robotic tone)
Game over.
Fella springs up off the couch snatching both hundred dollar

bills from each of Cat’s hands. Cat stares ahead without
making a noise.
FELLA
(taunting Cat)
Go fuck yourself douche-bag.
Fella walks out of the room as Cat slumps into the couch.
CAT
That is unbelievable.
OWEN
Tough loss, twice in a week, ooof.
Owen grabs the remote and a bowl of chips and switches from
“Playstaion” to regular TV.
11.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Tonight only on V, the WNBA’s fifty
greatest lay ups. That’s only on
V, the Vagina Network, all vagina
all the time.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
Fella and Owen are sitting on the couch watching TV smoking a

joint, drinking Corona’s with orange juice. A young man
wearing a T-shirt and jeans enters through the front door.
YOUNG MAN
Hey what’s up?
FELLA
How are you?
YOUNG MAN
Better now that I see you. How’s
my favorite drug dealer doing
today?
OWEN
(exhaling from the joint)
Woah, woah, woah, hold it right
there my young friend. No one here
is dealing anything I can assure
you! My good pal here is simply
providing a service to the
community.
YOUNG MAN
(sarcastically)
OK, Mr. Community provider.
FELLA
(to Owen)
It’s OK pal, hand me the sack of
joy will ya?
Owen hands Fella a back pack as he shoots the young man a

dirty look. Fella pulls out a large sac of weed.
YOUNG MAN
(amazed)
Wow! You guys smoke a lot.
12.
FELLA
A joint a day keeps the
psychiatrist away my friend.
Taking a hit from the joint. He makes the young man a small
bag and hands it to him.
YOUNG MAN
You must be coming up on 1000
pounds soon right Fella?
FELLA
So they tell me.
YOUNG MAN
That would put you in the hall no?
OWEN
(agitated)
Easily my friend... Easily.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE - LATER
FRANK BUQUICCHIO, a 5’9”, medium framed, Italian-American man

with glasses whom speaks quickly is exiting a limousine. He
is in a black tuxedo holding a bottle of champagne, a box of
cigars, and a large metal film reel casing. Frank heads up
the stairs entering the house with a spring in his step.
FADE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Frank comes through the front door smiling. Fella, Cat,

Owen, and Hemp are all on the couch drinking Corona’s.
FRANK
(excited)
Today is the day boys! Today is
the day!
EVERYONE
(in unison)
FRAAAAAANK!
OWEN
Hello Frank.
13.
Everyone gets up off of the couch to greet Frank. They hug

as Frank opens the box of cigars clearly marked “Dutch
Masters”.
FRANK
(excited)
Get a good one. Get a good one
boys.
OWEN
Cubans?... Nice touch Frank.
Frank begins to hand out glasses and pour the champagne.
FELLA
(presenting a joint)
And ya know what goes nice with the
bubbly?
OWEN
(happily surprised)
Oh yeah?!?
A car horn sounds from outside. Frank raises his glass.
FRANK
(a bit choked up)
Let me just say thank you... to all
you boys for helping me make my
vision into a reality. I couldn’t
have done it without you guys... I
Forgot the Fish.
HEMP
(raising his glass)
To Frank.
EVERYONE
(raising their glasses)
FRAAAANK.
They all down their drinks, and Frank looks down at his wrist
bearing no watch.
FRANK
Time to go boys and girls.
CUT TO:
14.
INT. LIMOSUINE - MOMENTS LATER
The group is sitting in a semi-circle manner in the

limousine. The joint is significantly shorter, but is still
being passed around.
HEMP
(passing the joint)
So after we dominate these awards
the offers should be flying in.
OWEN
Oh yeah, with the clout and
prestige that these awards carry,
one can only expect a six, seven
picture deal coming our way.
FRANK
(nodding in agreement)
I would think so.
CUT TO:
INT. LIMOSUINE - CONTINUOUS
CAT
(visibly flustered)
So if I take the new job, then she
becomes my boss.
FELLA
That can’t be good for anyone
involved.
CAT
Exactly, and if I don’t I’m stuck
in that stupid suit all summer.
OWEN
Ahh, the ole catch 33.
CAT
Don’t you mean catch 22?
OWEN
Yeah, it’s like that, but twice as
worse.
FELLA
Wouldn’t that make it a catch 44?
15.
OWEN
(shaking his head)
C’mon guy, things aren’t that bad.
Fella shakes his head and dismisses the conversation.
CUT TO:
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
The limousine pulls up to a curb in front of a college

campus. Few students are walking around the green lawns.
CUT TO:
INT. LIMOSUINE - CONTINUOUS
FRANK
(addressing everyone)
We’re here boys, we are here.
OWEN
(very seriously)
We have arrived.
CUT TO:
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - CONTINUOUS
The group exits the limo expecting a hero’s welcome. Frank

leads them out pumping his fist into the air. Few people
stroll by paying no attention to the group. However, two
dorks standing off in the background are wearing T-shirts
that read: “I FORGOT THE FISH”. One is taking pictures while
the other is holding out a signature book. Frank leads the
group towards the school. Owen spots an attractive young
female student walking his way wearing a back pack and
intently looking down at her paper. Owen steps directly in
her path startling her as Owen looks her up and down. He
grabs the paper roughly out of the girl’s hand. She is
scared, standing there motionless staring up at Owen.
OWEN
(confidently)
Autograph?... Why not? Who should
I make this out to sweetheart?
Owen takes a pen out from his pocket.

16.
GIRL.
(scared and concerned)
Who are you?
CUT TO:
INSERT - COVER OF GIRL’S TERM PAPER
The cover reads: “SENIOR THESIS - THE INTEGRATION OF THE

INDIGENOUS SEA TURTLE INTO MODERN SOCIETY - BY STEPHANIE
WILBERMARSHALL”. Below the title is a photograph of a real
sea turtle wearing a neck-tie crawling into a New York City
cab with a brief case next to one of it’s flippers. Owen
begins to sign his name all over the paper making over
exaggerated swoops and loops.
OWEN
(pausing)
It’s Stephanie right?
Owen quickly finishes his autograph, and begins to hand it

back to her. She looks up in disbelief and reaches for the
paper.
OWEN
Here you go darling.
Just as she is about to touch the paper Owen roughly pulls it

back and looks at it. She is frozen with shock.
OWEN
Is that Stephanie with a “PH”? I’m
sorry, I spelled it with two
“F’s”, my bad.
Owen shaking his head rips off the top sheet and crumples it
up. He begins to sign the next sheet as the pen begins to
leak ink and explode all over her paper. His hands get
covered in ink and he begins to use the pages like paper
towels. Finally he hands it back to her, it is a complete
mess, full of crumpled pages and dripping ink.
OWEN
(winking at her)
I will see you later.
GIRL.
(running away, crying)
You’ve ruined my life!
Owen turns back towards the group very confidently. Cat

walks over and puts his arm around Owen.
17.
CAT
Seriously dude, it’s all about the
fans.
Owen nods in agreement as they walk towards the building.

They are a few strides behind the rest of the group. The two
dorks approach Owen and Cat.
DORK 1
(excited)
Autograph?!?
DORK 2
(excited)
Oh please, oh please, oh please!!!
CAT
(condescendingly)
No time.
They walk right past the two dorks without hesitation, who
are immediately dejected.
OWEN
Being famous is hard.
Cat nods in agreement.
OWEN
(smug)
Best if we get used to it now.
CUT TO:
EXT. COLLEGE BUILDING - FAVORING THE ENTRANCE WAY
The group enters the brick building. There is a long plastic

sign hanging above the double doors which reads: “WELCOME TO
THE 3RD ANNUAL CLINTON COMMUNITY COLLEGE SHORT FILM
FESTIVAL”. Above that, an old theatre marquee reads: “ALL
NEXT WEEK - WHAM TRIBUTE BAND - BATHHOUSE!”.
CUT TO:
INT. ENTRANCE AREA TO BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Frank leads the group into the reception area where casually
dressed students and faculty are seen making small talk.
There is a make shift bar over to the side and a small buffet
towards the back wall.
18.
FRANK
(excited, to the group)
I’ll go and find out where we’re
sitting.
Frank walks off.
CUT TO:
CLOSE SHOT - OWEN’S FACE
Owen is standing there mesmerized by the buffet. He begins

to wander in its’ direction as if he were in a trance.
OWEN
(slowly, softly)
Buffet...
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - BAR AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Fella and Cat are standing in front of the bar which is

tended to by a young male bartender.
FELLA
Yeah, ah, how you doin?
BARTENDER
Very good sir. What can I get for
you?
FELLA
We’ll have two Corona’s with OJ.
BARTENDER
(grimacing a bit)
Sorry sir, but we can’t serve
alcohol, there are minors here.
FELLA
I’m 31 years old guy.
BARTENDER
I’m sure you are sir.
FELLA
You don’t have any beers?
BARTENDER
Oh no sir, beer has alcohol.
19.
FELLA
(frustrated)
Yeah I’m aware of what’s in a beer
guy.
BARTENDER
I’m sure you are sir.
Fella shakes his head in disgust and walks away from the bar
area leaving Cat staring at the bartender in anger/disbelief.
CUT TO:
INT. ENTRANCE AREA OF SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp and Fella are discussing the scene as Frank walks over
to them.
HEMP
So where are our seats?
FRANK
(looking down, under his
breath.)
Just sit wherever you want.
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL - NEAR THE BUFFET - MOMENTS LATER
Owen is at the buffet filling his plate as his face and

demeanor exude satisfaction. An overweight woman walks over
to his side. He notices her peripherally, and raises his
head slowly turning towards her.
OVERWEIGHT WOMAN
Hi.
OWEN
(smiling)
Well hello.
Owen continues piling food on his plate as the woman begins

to moan slightly while licking her lips.
OVERWEIGHT WOMAN
You certainly seem to know your way
around a buffet.
20.
OWEN
You don’t seem too out of place
yourself.
OVERWEIGHT WOMAN
(giggling)
Thank you.
She gently holds up her plate as Owen begins to pile steaming

hot food onto it. They both smile as Owen grabs two forks
and holds them up in a “V” shape.
OWEN
(confidently)
Your with me.
The woman fans herself as they walk arm in arm towards an

unoccupied table.
CUT TO:
INT. ENTRANCE AREA OF BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp is alone observing various display tables set up by

local sponsors of the event. He starts walking towards the
back, his eyes fixated on a young woman standing not facing
Hemp. This is ATLANTIS MILLEN. Her hair is blonde, pulled
back, and she’s wearing a lab coat. She turns towards Hemp
as she adjusts her glasses. She is both intelligent and
beautiful looking. As Hemp approaches, he can see her
display table is for the local aquarium. Hemp and the woman
make eye contact and she seems to recognize him. Still
walking towards her, he bumps into a little kid around six
years of age, spilling juice onto the kid’s shirt.
HEMP
(kneeling down to kid)
Sorry little man.
The kid walks away as Hemp stands back up.
LITTLE KID (V.O.)

Asshole.
Hemp looks back over his shoulder not quite sure what he just
heard. He turns back around, smiles and walks over to the
pretty woman. She is handing out pamphlets and thanking
people. She turns to Hemp.
ATLANTIS
Hemp? Hemp Stevens, is that you?
21.
HEMP
(hesitant)
Yeah! Yeah it’s me... but Who?...
Yeah, It’s me all right.
ATLANTIS
It’s me Atlantis... Atlantis
Millen. We graduated high school
together.
HEMP
(pretending)
Oh... Yeah... Alanis Milton...
Sure.
ATLANTIS
You don’t remember me do you?
HEMP
(he ponders deeply)
I’m sorry, I don’t.
ATLANTIS
Well I sure remember you.
HEMP
(looking down ashamed)
Oh.
ATLANTIS
Hemp Stevens, captain of the pole-
vaulting team. The Black Falcon
himself. Everyone remembers you.
HEMP
Yeah... Thanks for the reminder.
ATLANTIS
So what ever happened to you after
high school?
HEMP
(with an attitude)
Like you don’t know.
ATLANTIS
Well, I’ve spent the last eleven
years in Antarctica.
HEMP
Antarctica?
22.
ATLANTIS
(proudly)
I know, but I love my work and
where else would you go to study
the majestic POLARGATOR?
Atlantis holds up a framed 8x10 photo of a large albino gator

with furry paws. In the photo the Polargator is mauling a
local Eskimo. Atlantis looks down at the photo and sighs.
ATLANTIS
You wouldn’t believe how wide his
jaw can open.
HEMP
(raising his eyebrows)
That, that is really something.
Hemp is attempting to keep up the conversation but he is

distracted by the photo, he takes a double/triple look at the
picture while he is trying to talk to her. Atlantis just
smiles back at him.
HEMP
So you really don’t know what
happened with me?
ATLANTIS
No.
HEMP
Well, I’m doing OK.
ATLANTIS
I’m sure your doing better than OK.
They stare at each other, there is a long silent pause.
HEMP
So you’re here for the short film
festival? What are you guys doing
a documentary on the Polarguy?
ATLANTIS
Gator.
HEMP
Gator... sure, right. So you made
a Polargator film?
23.
ATLANTIS
No, but thanks. I’m here because
the film festival helps to raise
money towards his research.
Atlantis holds up a different picture of the Polargator

mauling another Eskimo. Hemp has a horrified look on his
face while Atlantis just gazes at the photo and smiles.
HEMP
(encouragingly)
Yeah, but he’s got fur right?
ATLANTIS
(looking up at Hemp)
Yeah he’s got fur. Look at him, he
is a beautiful creature of God.
Atlantis looks down saddened.
ATLANTIS
It’s just so damn expensive to feed
him.
HEMP
Sure I would think that Eskimos
don’t come cheap.
ATLANTIS
(laughing, flirting)
Your so funny Hemp. He’s just
playing in these pictures. You
could play with him if you want to,
he could use some new friends.
HEMP
I’m sure he could... How long are
you gonna be here, because my
friend made a movie?... it’s about
a fish... it’s really great, you’d
love it.
ATLANTIS
Really! I’m here all day.
CUT TO:
INT. MOVING SHOT FOLLOWING A MAN - CONTINUOUS
A tall, fit man in his late thirties is walking towards Hemp

and Atlantis. He also sports a lab coat and has light brown
curly hair and dark, deep eyes.
24.
He is curtly marking paper work on a clip board as he reaches

them. He sizes up Hemp with his eyes.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(a sophisticated tone)
Atlantis darling, they need you
back stage, the event is starting.
He looks back at Hemp.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
I do not believe we have been
formally introduced.
ATLANTIS
Oh I’m sorry, Hemp Stevens this is
Sebast...
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(cutting her off)
DOCTOR... HOLLAND.
HEMP
Your parents named you Doctor?
ATLANTIS
(holding back laughter)
I work with Dr. Holland, and I went
to high school with Hemp.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(slowly inquiring)
Hemp Stevens?... Where do I know
that name from?
HEMP
(nervously fast)
Well I should be going too, and
they need you back stage. Nice to
see you again Atlantis, and very
nice to meet you Doctor.
Hemp begins to walk away.
ATLANTIS
Listen, you should stop up at the
aquarium some time... You know, to
meet the Polargator.
HEMP
Oh sure... I’d love to.
Holland gives Hemp a dirty look and turns to Atlantis.

25.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Atlantis dear, they need you now.
Holland turns Atlantis and himself away from Hemp. She looks
back over her shoulder and waves.
ATLANTIS
Bye Hemp.
Hemp smiles and waves back slowly.
CUT TO:
INT. ENTRANCE AREA TO SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER
Cat, Fella, and Owen are standing around in an open area.
FELLA
How do you have a film festival and
not serve beers?
CAT
(shaking his head)
Unbelievable, the ole catch 33.
Hemp walks over smiling.
HEMP
Do you guys know where there is an
aquarium around here?
OWEN
Why? Are we going to get a new
fish?... That’s not right you know,
I like Copper.
FELLA
Yeah guy, you can’t get rid of
Copper.
CAT
Did you know that they don’t serve
beers?
HEMP
(shaking his head between
the three of them.)
What?... No!.., And why would I get
rid of Copper?
26.
FELLA
I don’t know, suddenly you need to
go to the aquarium.
HEMP
Yeah, do you know where it is?
OWEN
(chewing food)
Where what is?
HEMP
(frustrated)
The aquarium!
FELLA
Why would I go there?
CAT
If I wanted to watch a fish swim I
would go in the back room and hang
out with Copper.
OWEN
(putting his arm around
Fella)
Yeah, we like Copper.
Fella and Cat silently shakes their heads at Hemp in disgust,

as Frank walks over to the group.
FRANK
OK boys, we’d better be headed in.
Frank turns to walk in.
HEMP
Frank?
FRANK
(spinning back around)
Yes have some.
HEMP
Do you know where the aquarium is?
FRANK
I sure do.
HEMP
See, Frank knows everything.
27.
FELLA
I didn’t say I didn’t know where it
was guy.
The group turns and walks towards their seats.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - MOMENTS LATER
The auditorium is half full as Frank leads the group to their

seats in the front row. There is tapping on the microphone.
CUT TO:
SHOT FROM THE FIRST ROW LOOKING UP AT THE PODIUM.
ATLANTIS
(into the microphone)
Excuse me... Excuse me... I’d like
to thank all of you for coming out
here today. By doing so you are
all making a difference and helping
the cause... Polargator research.
A large film screen drops down behind her on stage as the

lights dim. Music plays softly in the back ground as the
screen goes black, then begins to play a film.
CUT TO:
SHOT FAVORING THE GIANT SCREEN.
On the screen it reads: “ORPHAN OF NATURE - THE POLARGATOR

STORY”.
ATLANTIS
(narrating along)
They call him the orphan of nature.
While Atlantis is speaking there are different still slide

shots of the Polargator mauling Eskimos.
ATLANTIS
He is an extremely rare and
beautiful creature. In fact he is
one of a kind. It is our firm
belief that there are more
Polargators like him out there.
(MORE)
28.
ATLANTIS(cont'd)
Your continued support has helped
us to make great strides towards
reaching our goal. Without your
help we would never be able to find
out who he is and, more
importantly... well... you can see
his dilemma.
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - FAVORING THE FILM SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
The last slide is a picture of Atlantis and the Polargator

arm and arm smiling.
ATLANTIS
(teary eyed)
So please, give all you can, so
little can do so much.
The big screen fades to black as the overhead lights come on.
ATLANTIS
(composing herself)
Now, the reason we are all gathered
here today. It’s the third annual
Clinton Community College short
film festival and awards
ceremony... So without any further
adieu, it is my great honor to
introduce to you tonight’s master
of ceremonies and the head of the
short film department... DOCTOR
STEPHANDU DUPRIMA!
A tan, short man wearing a red beret and sports coat glides
across the stage over to the podium.
DOCTOR DUPRIMA
(slow, deliberate tone)
Hello all, and welcome to the third
annual Clinton Community College
short film festival. We have some
fine young aspiring artists
gathered here today. These films
you are about to view could launch
the careers of the next great film
makers of your generation. So let
us dive right into the action,
shall we?
The house lights dim as the first movie begins.

29.
DOCTOR DUPRIMA
... Our first short film is
entitled, “Appetite For Destruction
- the Dangerous Life of the Daisy
Farmer”, By Jason Holgerson.
INT. AUDITORIUM - LATER
SERIES OF ANGLES OF THE AUDIENCE AS DIFFERENT MOVIES ARE

PLAYING ON THE BIG SCREEN WITH MUSIC OVER THE SHOTS.
The audience is seriously disinterested in what is going on.

The light from the screen is reflecting off of their faces as
they are talking amongst themselves, sleeping, drooling,
slouching in their chairs and generally not paying attention.
Except for Frank, who is sitting on the edge of his seat in
the front row taking in every moment of every movie.
INT. AUDITORIUM FAVORING THE GIANT SCREEN
There are different clips from various films shown on the big
screen as time elapses and the audience grows more and more
disinterested. They include: A porqupine exploding, adjoined
human twins riding a two person bike, an ape breast feeding,
an agonizingly slow chess move, and the last clip ends with a
man tightening a noose around his neck in a room filled with
jars, the big screen fades to black and the house lights
return to normal.
INT. AUDITORIUM FAVORING THE PODIUM - CONTINUOUS
DOCTOR DUPRIMA
And that last piece was, “Bitter
Sweet Jars of Formaldehyde”, by
Jamie Oppedisano.
There is a meek applause from the crowd.
DOCTOR DUPRIMA
Which brings us to our last film of
the evening. It is a silent saga
entitled: “I Forgot the Fish”, by
Frank Buquicchio.
Frank, Owen, Fella, Cat, and Hemp are all visibly excited,
grabbing at one another, and then suddenly shushing each
other as the picture begins.
CUT TO:
30.
INSERT MOVIE SCREEN
The film begins to roll. No sound is heard except for the

ticking of the film reel. Big white letters appear on screen
which reads: “I FORGOT THE FISH”. It stays for a few
seconds, then the screen reads: “WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY
FRANK BUQUICCHIO”. It stays for a few seconds, and then the
words: “STARING H. STEVENS, FELLA, CAT, and O. FITZMAURICE.
It then fades to black.
FADE IN:
INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - AFTERNOON
An old wooden table is in the foreground. Counter tops are

behind the table. Meats and chickens hang from the ceiling,
and there is a large cross on the wall. A large burly woman
with her front angled away from the shot is rolling out some
dough. She is dressed poorly and is wearing a bandana styled
head wrap. Powder is flying into the air as she pounds the
dough. Words appear at the bottom of the screen that read:
“RUSSIA 1912”. A classical violin begins to play. A peasant
man walks in and sits down at the table. The woman turns
around and places a plate of food in front of him roughly.
Her lips are moving as she is speaking to him.
CUT TO:
BLACK MOVIE SCREEN WITH FRENCH BORDERS - CONTINUOUS
It reads: “YOU DRINK TOO MUCH.”
CUT TO:
INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The man is trying to enjoy his meal, shaking his head and
pointing at her with his fork as his lips move.
CUT TO:
It reads: “YOU EAT TOO MUCH... I DRINK TO MAKE YOU SKINNY.”
CUT TO:
31.
The man finishes his food quickly and leaves the plate and
fork. He puts on a coat and hat, and kisses his wife, his
lips move.
CUT TO:
It reads: “WELL, I’M OFF TO THE MARKET.”
CUT TO:
The wife spins around with the roller and begins to shake it
at him as her lips move.
CUT TO:
Screen reads: “MINDFUL OF OUR MONEY, AND DON’T FORGET THE

FISH.”
CUT TO:
The man pointing at the plate on the table, as his lips move.
CUT TO:
Screen reads: “YOUR EGGS TASTE LIKE FISH!!!”
CUT TO:
The woman sternly looks at him, the man waves his hands at
her, his lips move.
CUT TO:
32.
Screen reads: “FINE... FINE... I WILL BUY SOME FISH.”
CUT TO:
EXT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY
The man exits his home and turns the corner. It is a cold,
bright day. He is rubbing his hands together while walking.
You can see his breath as his eyes squint from the sunlight.
He turns another corner and enters a market place. It is a
busy area with many vendors and patrons. There are fresh
fruit stands, live animals, etc. (The violin music is more
upbeat and hopeful.) He passes many vendors, then there is
just a wooden fence with a single piece of paper nailed to
it. The man stops dead in his tracks and slowly turns his
head to view the piece of paper.
MAN’S POV AS HE READS PAPER.
He walks towards the fence and reads the nailed up paper, it

reads: “LOST KITTEN”. There is a drawing of the kitten and
below that, it reads: “HER NAME IS RUBY”.
SERIES OF CLOSE SHOTS OF THE MAN’S FACE AND EYES
He begins to well up and a tear drops from his left eye.

Simultaneously, the sound of a bomb being dropped is heard.
A moving view of the tear dropping in slow motion to the
ground follows. Upon impact a huge explosion is heard as the
screen shakes.
OTHER IMAGES ARE FADED INTO THE MOVIE: Footage of an atomic

bomb exploding, a picture of a lion mauling a gazelle,
followed by a Buddhist man setting himself ablaze, then lava
flowing into a small village, and finally: “Mookie Wilson’s
ground ball going through the legs of Bill Buckner, from the
1986 World Series”. All other images fade, leaving the man’s
saddened face. His lips move.
CUT TO:
Screen reads: “CRUEL FATE”.
CUT TO:
33.
EXT. MARKET PLACE - CONTINUOUS
VIEW FROM BEHIND THE MAN.
He slowly plods along through the market place. He passes a

vendor to his left who has a cart full of fish. The vendor
is played by Cat. He is wearing a fisherman’s rubber
overall. He is holding out a giant tuna as he smiles at the
man. The man shakes his head repeatedly and moves his lips.
CUT TO:
Screen reads: “NO, NO... I COULDN’T... IT’S TOO SOON.”
CUT TO:
EXT. MARKET PLACE - MOMENTS LATER
The man turns the corner. Suddenly, his face lights up with
joy.
CUT TO:
INT. OLD RUSTIC HOUSE - LATER
The man bursts through the doorway. The wife turns around
and points at him with the roller, her lips move.
CUT TO:
Screen reads: “WHERE IS THE FISH!?!”
CUT TO:
The man’s looks changes from joy to shock as the music

changes as well. He is holding a tiny kitten. He clearly
mouths the words: “I forgot the fish”.
CUT TO:
34.
Screen reads: “FIN”
CUT TO:
INT. AUDITORIUM - THE FRONT ROW
Frank, Hemp, Owen, Fella, and Cat jump out of their seats in
celebration. They are high-fiving one another and cheering
very loudly. Owen and Cat hoist Frank up onto their
shoulders as Frank pumps his fists into the air.
FREEZE FRAME:
INT. BAR - A CORNER BOOTH - LATER
OWEN
(yelling)
Bullshit!! We were robbed!!!
The group is at a booth looking down and out. Frank’s head

is on the table with a half empty bottle of whiskey and the
film reel next to him.
FRANK
(with a muffled voice)
Three years... three years of my
life... gone.
CAT
(patting Frank’s shoulder)
It’s just not fair Frank, it’s just
not right.
HEMP
But there were seventy-one awards
handed out... and we didn’t win
any.
FELLA
Yeah... and there were only eight
films.
Frank looks at the film reel, shakes his head and throws it
over his shoulder.
35.
INT. BAR - VIEW FROM BEHIND OWEN - CONTINUOUS
Owen swings out of the booth and stands up with a determined

look upon his face. The group looks up at Owen with their
heads slightly cocked waiting for him to speak.
OWEN
(pointing)
OK, listen up sap-asses. You can
sit around here being pathetic all
night, feeling sorry for
yourselves, feeling sorry we didn’t
take home any awards...
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - FAVORING OWEN’S FACE - CONTINUOUS
OWEN
But for what it’s worth. I think
it was the greatest two and one
half minutes ever captured on film,
and I for one am damn proud to have
been a part of it... Now, I’m going
out there, and I’m gonna find me
the biggest, the hairiest, the
sweatiest woman in this
establishment, and I’m gonna make
her happy, and by golly she’s gonna
make me happy... Now I highly
recommend that you gentlemen do the
same.
Owen does a shot and slams it down. He wipes his mouth

roughly, then exits the area with his head held high. As he
exits, a giant TV screen which he was blocking can now be
seen. The group straightens out their heads. The football
game on the TV screen goes to commercial, Hemp turns to
address Frank.
HEMP
(patting Frank’s shoulder)
It’s just not right Frank... not
right.
CUT TO:
36.
INT. BAR - DANCE FLOOR - LATER
Owen is dancing like an over active child on a very crowded

dance floor. He spots an overweight woman dancing off to his
side. He shuffles over to her smoothly, smiling as he
approaches her confidently. She smiles back, giggles, as
they start dirty dancing together.
OVERWEIGHT WOMAN’S POV - CONTINUOUS
Owen and the woman are dancing and sweating profusely.
OWEN
(confidently, flirting)
I see you like to super-size your
value meals... As do I.
She giggles as he grabs her roughly. They kiss passionately.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - AT THE BAR - MOMENTS LATER
Cat is leaning up against the bar talking to an attractive

young woman. Hemp is behind Cat playing a “touch screen”
video game at the bar.
CAT
So as you can see, that horse
should never have lost that race.
WOMAN
(upset)
Gambling?!? My parents got
divorced because of my father’s
gambling problem!
Cat’s face offers sympathy as he puts his arm onto her

shoulder.
CAT
(softly)
And you’ve never forgiven your
mother have you?
WOMAN
(angry, almost crying)
What?!? I hate gambling!!!
37.
Cat just stares back at her with an extremely confused look

on his face. There is a long pause as she throws his arm off
of her.
HOT CHICK
(angry, yelling)
I HATE GAMBLING!!!
Hemp, hearing what she just said, picks his head up away from
the video game. Cat is still staring back at her with
confusion until suddenly his face turns to shock, disbelief,
and anger. Hemp quickly steps in between the two as Cat
points between himself and the girl.
CAT
(angry)
We are not involved!!! We are not
involved!!!
The girl turns away while Hemp wears an apologetic look. He

spins Cat around in front of the “touch screen” video game.
HEMP
(in a soothing tone)
Come on dude... It’s OK, there you
go... there ya go.
Cat completes one hand of video poker, then turns to Hemp.
CAT
(nervously shaking)
She shouldn’t have said that...
You don’t say those things.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - AT THE BAR - LATER
Cat, Fella, Frank, and Hemp are leaning against the bar still
drinking. In the distance, a bellowing voice resonates,
which they all recognize.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - DANCE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS
Owen is walking through the now sparse crowd as a different

overweight woman follows him arm in arm.
38.
OWEN
(screaming)
MAKE WAY!!! MAKE WAY!!!
FELLA
(turning in disgust)
Ahhh Christ.
Owen arrives at the bar with the woman.
OWEN
Janice, I’d like for you to meet
the boys.
Janice giggles as Cat turns to the bartender making a “1”

sign with his hand as he nods. Cat’s hand reaches off screen
as the bartender hands him something. His hand comes back on
screen holding an oversized hotdog steaming with chili,
cheese, and all the toppings. Cat lifts the hotdog right up
to her face as toppings drip to the floor.
CAT
Here you go darlin.
JANICE
(backing away)
Oh... Oh no thanks, but I don’t eat
meat... I’m a vegetarian.
FELLA
(condescendingly)
Well what the fuck do you eat...
cars?
Janice giggles. Owen and her shrug their shoulders, stare at

one another, and make out as everyone turns away grimacing.
FADE OUT.
INT. BAR - AT THE BAR - LATER
Frank is standing against the bar drinking and looking

depressed as Hemp comes over. Hemp is visibly drunk.
HEMP
(hugging Frank)
Fraaaank!!! Did you make out yet?
FRANK
You know, I thought I did before...
But it turned out to be gas.
39.
HEMP
These things happen Frank.
Owen and Janice dance slowly in the foreground.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
EXT. A SANDY BEACH - DAY
Hemp is on a beautiful beach all by himself. There is a

Jamaican reggae band in the back ground. Hemp is resting
comfortably under a palm tree sipping an exotic drink from a
coconut. It is perfectly serene as the waves are heard
breaking onto the beach. Next to Hemp is a red bong. He
takes a hit and exhales slowly, enjoyably. In the back
ground we can see the sun and moon set and rise as time
elapses, over and over again. A topless woman seductively
walks over and replaces his old drink with a fresh one.
Fella comes by with his “Sack of Joy” and drops off a big bag
of weed as they smile at one another. Owen runs by on the
beach arm and arm with an overweight woman, winking at Hemp,
she giggles as they pass. Frank strolls by in a tuxedo
holding an “Oscar” award. He stops and points at Hemp as
Hemp raises his drink to him. Next floating in the water is
a giant Polargator float. Cat is driving the float as he
nods at Hemp with approval. Atlantis is on the top of the
float. She is “Queen of the Parade”, wearing a tiara and a
sash. She turns and blows kisses to Hemp. He smiles ear to
ear and takes another bong hit. After exhaling, Hemp is
suddenly floating in the ocean as clouds begin to roll in.
He looks down and see’s a black man’s head bobbing in the
water.
BLACK MAN’S HEAD

You’ve got to go up. Get up
dammit! Your a Stevens, get up!
As quickly as the head appeared it is now gone. The waves

become huge as shark fins appear and begin circling around
his body. Terrified, Hemp begins to scream for help as the
sharks get closer and closer. Then, a shark opens wide and
bites down onto Hemp.
HEMP
(screaming)
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
CUT TO:
40.
INT. HEMP’S BED ROOM - MORNING
Hemp is passed out face first in his bed still wearing his
clothes from the evening before. The alarm clock reads:
“7:02 AM”. A voice of an elderly woman is heard over his
answering machine.
GRANDMOTHER (V.O.)
(screaming on the
answering machine)
Where The Hell Are You?!?! You
said you’d be here by seven to mow
the lawn!!! You never keep your
word!!! Now your grandfather is
out there doing it!!!
Hemp reaches up and grabs the phone.
HEMP
(half asleep)
Alright, I’m on my way.
CUT TO:
EXT. GRANDPARENTS HOUSE - DAY
OVERHEAD VIEW
In the middle of a badly overgrown lawn stands a frail old

man, Hemp’s GRANDFATHER. He is wearing gray pants with
suspenders dangling down, a white “wife beater”, and a hat
which reads: “B.I.G.S.A.C.”. He is holding a red lawn mower
which is churning up earth back at him as the wheels spin
without the mower going anywhere. His arms, and body are
violently shaking while he tries to hold on to the mower.
Hemp’s car pulls into the driveway. He exits his car and
walks over to his grandfather. Hemp’s grandfather releases
the mower as Hemp nears him. The engine stops running and he
quickly smacks Hemp on top of his head, knocking Hemp’s hat
to the ground. He gives Hemp a dirty look and turns away,
walking into the house. Hemp collects his hat, straps on ear
phones and restarts the mower as he begins to mow the lawn.
CUT TO:
41.
INT. GRANDPARENTS HOUSE - LATER
Hemp enters the house and walks down a picture covered

hallway. His shirt is soaked with sweat. Hemp can hear his
grandparents arguing in the kitchen.
GRANDMOTHER (V.O.)
(arguing)
Oh... I see... And you know
everything there is to know about
everyone?
GRANDFATHER (V.O.)
Well don’t I?
GRANDMOTHER (V.O.)
You are so ridiculous with the
things you say!
Hemp enters the antiquated kitchen. HEMP’S GRANDMOTHER is

standing in front of the stove cooking. She is a tiny woman
with gray hair, but she is very energetic. Hemp walks over
and gives her a kiss on the head. He then sits at the
kitchen table across from his grandfather who gives him
another dirty look as he sits.
GRANDFATHER
I’m telling you Sophie, it doesn't
cost them four dollars and ninety-
five cents for shipping and
handling. You don’t think that
they make money off of shipping and
handling?
GRANDMOTHER
No I don’t!
GRANDFATHER
Well then, your a naive fool.
Hemp’s grandmother waves her hand in disgust in the

grandfather’s direction as she places a giant plate of
spaghetti in front of Hemp. He picks up his fork and begins
to eat.
GRANDMOTHER
(proudly)
How’s that sauce?
Hemp, with a mouth full of pasta picks his head up and gives
his grandmother the thumbs up sign.
42.
GRANDFATHER
(proudly)
That’s your great-grandfather’s
secret famous sauce.
Hemp choking, quickly grabs for a glass of water and forces

the food down.
GRANDMOTHER
(disgusted)
You eat like a pig.
HEMP
(finishing his swallow)
What?!? I didn’t know he could
cook??
GRANDFATHER
(saddened)
Sure, he could do lots of
things...
(turns head away)
... before...
HEMP
(concerned)
Before what?
The grandparents look at one another.
HEMP
What?!? Before what?!?
GRANDMOTHER
He’s old enough to know.
HEMP
Know what?!!
GRANDFATHER
I’ll show you what.
Hemp’s grandfather grabs a stack of old photos out of a

nearby cigar box. He slides them over Hemp’s way.
GRANDFATHER
Personally, I don’t think that
there is any hope left for you...
However, your grandmother seems to
think that miracles can still
happen.
43.
GRANDMOTHER
Look at the photos... Look! Look!
GRANDFATHER
(pointing to a photo)
Do you know who this is?
CUT TO:
INSERT PHOTO
It is a picture of an infant about to suckle onto an old,

wrinkled nipple and breast.
GRANDFATHER (V.O.)
This is your great-great
grandmother, and your great-
grandfather... Hempshel Stevens the
first.
CUT TO:
INT. GRANDPARENTS HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
CLOSE SHOT OF GRANDFATHER’S FACE
He pauses, looks at Hemp, sighs and thinks to himself.
GRANDFATHER
You know in a lot of ways... your
nothing like him. The man was a
war hero, shot during what would
become his final mission. A true
Stevens!
CUT TO:
INSERT PHOTO
A black and white photo of a young Hempshel, laying on his

stomach in a hospital bed eating ice cream. His ass is
exposed and overly swollen.
44.
GRANDFATHER (V.O.)
(sad)
As for your great-grandfather, the
Allied victory came at a dear, dear
price. With the German bullet
lodged in an inoperable portion of
his glutoid, it would only be a
matter of time... before gangrene
would set in.
CUT TO:
GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
GRANDMOTHER
(chocked up)
It ate him... It ate him all up.
CUT TO:
Hemp quickly thumbs through photographs wearing a horrified

look.
GRANDFATHER (V.O.)
With the methodical speed, that
only gangrene possesses, your great-
grandfather didn’t stand a chance.
Back in the states, with the little
time he had left your great-grand
pappy led an extremely productive
life. But, finally it became so
bad that he was transferred to the
special gangrene unit in Italy,
which is where he perfected his
famous secret sauce.
GRANDMOTHER
(yelling)
And he was just a head!
CUT TO:
INSERT PHOTO - CONTINUOUS
A close-up photo of a black man’s head smiling.
CUT TO:
45.
GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
HEMP
Yeeeeaaahhhh... but, why was he
black?
GRANDFATHER
They were experimenting with tar
back then to stop the spread of
gangrene... So, he died a black
man.
HEMP
Oh...
GRANDFATHER
(grabbing the photos)
That’s your great-grandfather’s
story.
GRANDMOTHER
And you know what your grandfather
did for your family name?
HEMP
What, you worked on bridges, right?
GRANDFATHER
(shaking his head)
Bridges huh? You are looking at
the cofounder and safety chairman
of the single most important
organization to ever grace these
United States. I helped create
“BIGSAC”. The BRIDGE INTERSTATE
and GUILDERS SAFETY AWARENESS
COUNCIL. We were solely
responsible for saving thousands of
lives, and our efforts can still be
seen today...
Hemp stares at his grandfather.
GRANDFATHER
You mean to tell me that all those
times you sat on my lap as a
teenager, you remember nothing
about my “BIGSAC”?
Hemp stares silently.

46.
GRANDFATHER
Can you see now why we dislike you
so much?
GRANDMOTHER
It’s nothing personal.
GRANDFATHER
Enough about what I did, as for
your father... He..
HEMP
(cutting him off)
I know, I know, the vacuum thing...
GRANDMOTHER
(irritated)
The vacuum thing? The vacuum
thing? You call what he
accomplished the vacuum thing?
Your too young to remember what
life was like before the vacuum
thing.
GRANDFATHER
Well how could he, he’s an
imbecile. The point is that your
father...
Hemp’s grandmother walks over and places an enormous ice

cream sundae in front of Hemp. He immediately begins
shoveling the food into his mouth covering his face in
chocolate syrup. Hemp looks up at his disgusted grandfather
who just shakes his head at him.
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
Frank & Owen are diligently watching a TV program as Fella

meanders into the room.
TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Tonight only on V. See the
Fabulous Murtha defend her super-
heavyweight title. Tune in to see
if Murtha can strap on “The Velvet
Contraction” to yet another
helpless victim.
FELLA
What are you watching this for?
47.
Owen and Frank look slowly and seriously at Fella.
FRANK & OWEN

Preparation.
Fella shakes his head in disgust and exits the room.
CUT TO:
INT. GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp’s grandmother puts a VHS into a nearby TV/VCR.
GRANDFATHER
Sophie would ya press play, no, no,
the other button... This is your
father’s legacy.
INSERT TELEVISION SCREEN - CONTINUOUS
Theme music is played and on the screen it reads:

“THE STEVENS SUCKER WITH GEOFF ULFSENSON”. The host of the
show appears on the screen. He is a young, good looking TV
infomercial host.
GEOFF
Hello, and welcome to the Stevens
Sucker. I’m your host Geoff
Ulfsenson. Today, we will be
exploring one of the world’s
greatest innovations in domestic
safety... The Stevens Sucker.
CUT TO:
A young attractive woman is topless but wearing a long skirt.

She is vacuuming around a couch in a living room set when she
falls down hard grasping at her left leg. Other women are
vacuuming in a variety of difficult areas: Up stairs, around
couches, drapes etc. And all of them fall down hard grabbing
at their left knees.
TOPLESS WOMAN I
(screaming)
OH MY LEFT KNEE!!!
48.
GEOFF (V.O.)
Unfortunately, this was the fate
for many a young woman. Until...
CUT TO:
A fourteen year old Hempshel III is pole-vaulting, with a

vacuum in the other hand cleaning the top of the drapes in
his living room. In the background, there is an attractive
woman in her 30’s sitting in a recliner with her left leg up
in a cast.
GEOFF (V.O.)
One day, a former junior high
school pole-vaulting star was
helping his mother with her daily
chores when he had a brainstorm
that would forever change the
entire vacuuming industry.
Hempshel III pole-vaults across the room falling hard onto

his head. He re-surfaces holding his head and looking dazed.
His eyes widen and his mouth opens in awe.
GEOFF (V.O.)
It was then, November fifth, 1965,
when Hempshel Stevens the Third
came up with his idea for the
Stevens Sucker.
CUT TO:
Topless women are vacuuming the same hard to reach areas, but
are now using an over exaggerated extension nozzle on their
vacuums.
GEOFF (V.O.)
Vacuuming once again became fun and
safe for women all across the
United States...
CUT TO:
49.
Geoff Ulfsenson is standing in a TV studio holding the

Stevens Sucker out to the camera proudly.
GEOFF
All because of this, the Stevens
Sucker... This simple modification,
truly a thing of beauty, all but
eliminated vacuum related
injuries...
CUT TO:
A standard graph is labeled: VACUUM RELATED INJURIES. The

left axis is labeled: LEFT KNEE INJURIES, while the right
axis is labeled: YEARS starting with 1900 and going through
the year 2010. There is a line that escalates up and to the
right until it crosses 1965, where it takes a sharp sustained
dip. There is a small bump as the line crosses the early
1980’s, but then it descends again.
CUT TO:
A black and white photo of an awkward looking teenage

Hempshel Stevens III. He has a large Afro, and braces.
GEOFF
... Hempshel Stevens the Third, one
of the great innovators of our
time. For the Stevens Sucker I’m
Geoff Ulfsenson... Good night, God
bless, and safe vacuuming.
The credits role to sad music as still shots of topless women

going down in pain are shown.
CUT TO:
INT. GRANPARENTS KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Hemp’s grandmother presses stop on the VCR.

50.
GRANDMOTHER
Now do you finally understand what
your father did for society? What
being a Stevens actually means?
HEMP
(with a puzzled look)
Yeah... But on the graph, what was
that little spike in the 80’s all
about?
GRANDFATHER
(disappointed)
Dust-Buster.
CUT TO:
INT. CAR - DAY
Owen, Frank, and Cat are in Owen’s car at a local drive thru.
The car is stopped at the window. Owen is driving, Frank is
seated “shotgun”, and Cat is in the back wearing a shirt
which reads: “HAVE YOU GAMBLED TODAY?”. Owen is receiving
the food from the attendant as he hands some off to Frank.
OWEN
(excited)
Oh I’m excited about this.
FRANK
Figured you would be.
The car quickly accelerates out of the drive thru and exits
the lot making a swooping, tire screeching illegal left turn.
FRANK
Excuse me stupid, but we live that
way.
OWEN
I know, I know. I just have to
stop up at the shop and drop off
some more copies. GUY told me
they’re running low.
FRANK
Really? They’re doing that well?
OWEN
Well actually, only my family and
friends have bought copies, but he
doesn’t know that.
51.
FRANK
(in a jealous tone)
Well, at least somebody liked it.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT OF STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Owen’s car pulls into a spot in a small run down parking lot.
There is one elongated store with a big sign on the top which
reads: “ONCE TOUCHED - CERTIFIED PRE-OWNED ADULT NOVELTY
SHOPPE”.
CUT TO:
INT. ONCE TOUCHED - MOMENTS LATER
A store worker is at the counter on the phone. He is a tall,

very thin young man about 28 years old. He is wearing a red
iridescent silk button down shirt with the top two buttons
undone. He has long, straight, jet-black hair combed back.
GUY
(annoyed, into the phone)
Now Mrs. Schnackenburg, I told you
that this could happen with these
older models...
There is high pitched ranting heard over the phone.
GUY
... No I won’t take it back...
Well good day to you then!!!
He slams down the phone. Owen, Frank, and Cat walk towards
the counter. Owen lays the books down on the counter, Cat
walks off down an aisle.
GUY
(very excited)
Hey Owen! What’s up my man?
He shakes Frank’s hand as they get to the counter.
GUY
Fraaaank... Hi Cat.
OWEN
(very excited)
Hey Guy!!!
52.
Owen and Guy “salute” one another by simulating a

masturbation motion over their own faces, then they hug
vigorously.
GUY
What’s up buddy? Boy your book
moved out of here like a cleansing
enema.
FRANK
That was the goal.
CUT TO:
INT. ONCE TOUCHED DOWN AN AISLE FOLLOWING CAT - MOMENTS LATER
Cat is slowly walking through the aisle. Adult magazines and

paraphernalia surround him as he takes it all in.
CUT TO:
INT. ONCE TOUCHED COUNTER - CONTINUOUS
GUY
(picking up Owen’s book)
Personally, I felt it was a
masterpiece.
OWEN
Well, I tried to capture the spirit
of the thing.
GUY
Well you did Owen, you did.
CUT TO:
ONCE TOUCHED DOWN AN AISLE WITH CAT - MOMENTS LATER
Cat is slowly walking down the aisle. He is now looking at a

wall of dildos and vibrators on one side. On the opposite
side of the aisle, propped up is a humongous black dildo with
a bright yellow happy face painted on the tip. The dildo
extends off screen. Above it is a big bright sign which
reads: “THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR”.
CUT TO:
53.
INT. ONCE TOUCHED COUNTER - MOMENTS LATER
GUY
Boy I’ll tell you, after Tuesday
night these things are gonna fly
out of here like a two for one cock
ring sale.
FRANK
We could only be so lucky.
OWEN
I hope so...
GUY
Can I get you guys an Espresso or
something?
FRANK
Ah... No thanks.
OWEN
Yeah, we’ve got lunch in the car,
but thanks.
Guy shakes hands with Frank.
GUY
It was great to see you boys, as
always.
Guy waves to Cat down the aisle. Owen and Guy “Salute” one
another in the same fashion, then they hug goodbye.
GUY
(whispering to Owen)
Make us proud Tuesday.
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S BED ROOM - LATER
Hemp is in a towel, fresh out of the shower. He grabs a

bottle of baby powder and begins to excessively and
frantically powder his groin area.
CUT TO:
54.
INT. LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER
Hemp, holding a map, descends down the stairs into the living
room. He is wearing a silk buttoned down shirt with an
exaggerated collar tucked into a white-wash pair of jeans
that are studded with rhinestones down the sides and across
the belt. In the living room, where the coffee table was,
there is a large circular dirt pit. On opposite sides of the
circle are two little Mexican men holding fighting cocks
ready to release them. Cat, Owen, and Fella are around the
circle. Cat is holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
FELLA
(to Hemp)
Look at this guy.
CAT
Where are you off to? Mister fancy
pants.
HEMP
No where. I’m just headed out for
a jog.
Hemp exits out the front door. Through the doorway, the
heavy winds and pouring rain can be seen.
OWEN
Today is a good day for a jog.
Cat nods at Owen in approval. The two Mexicans slowly shake

their heads in disapproval.
CUT TO:
EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - FAVORING THE FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Hemp is making his way across the yard towards his car
fighting the weather. There is a loud, sharp animal squeal,
then brief silence.
FELLA (V.O.)
Go fuck yourself douche-bag!
CUT TO:
EXT. AQUARIUM PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
Hemp’s car pulls into frame. The storm outside is violent.

Hemp is listening to the radio.
55.
RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Tropical Monsoon Fillmore is just
slamming Long Island today causing
major flooding. Only the truly
stupid are out there today.
Hemp turns off the car, exits. He struggles to close his car
door as he is pelted by rain.
CUT TO:
INT. AQUARIUM SUPERVISOR’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
Atlantis is standing at her supervisor’s desk. He is on the

phone, sitting at his desk juggling two conversations.
ATLANTIS
But we were counting on that money
for the winter research... You
promised it to me!
Her supervisor covers the phone with his hand.
SUPERVISOR
Atlantis I’m sorry, I like him too,
but the fact of the matter is, he’s
just not drawing them in like he
used to.
ATLANTIS
Is that all he is to you? Some
freak in your damn park?!?
Her supervisor holds up his finger to her signaling “one

moment”. He then speaks into the phone.
SUPERVISOR
(into phone)
OK look, I gotta go. I’m going to
have to call you back.
He hangs up the phone and looks up at Atlantis.
SUPERVISOR
I’m sorry Atlantis. The bottom
line is we simply can’t afford to
fund his research any longer, not
to mention the families of the
three interns your precious animal
mauled won’t be settling for season
passes, and you know this!
(MORE)
56.
SUPERVISOR(cont'd)
Besides, I’ve already allocated the
funds elsewhere.
Atlantis begins to cry.
SUPERVISOR
(compassionately)
Look, if you can find someway to
generate the funds, I’ll support
you one hundred percent. If not...
I am sorry Atlantis.
The supervisor grabs some paperwork and exits the room.
CUT TO:
INT. AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp is slowly strolling through a dimly lit, empty aquarium.

Hemp is dripping wet. He passes many tanks filled with
tropical fish as he walks on. A large sign is illuminated on
the wall it reads: “PENISES OF THE DEEP”. There is a shelf
with a lot of jars filled with a variety of underwater
penises. There is a tremendously long jar with an arching
phallic looking “Bone”. Below the jar is a sign which reads:
“Blue Whale”. Hemp stops and stares at it. He then
continues down a darkened hallway when another sign emerges
above his head it reads: “WELCOME TO SHARK COUNTRY”. A few
steps beyond this is a large cardboard cut out of Doctor
Holland pointing upwards with both hands, awkwardly smiling
straight ahead. Above the cardboard cut out is a gigantic
picture of a marine vessel with a glass bottom. Next to the
cardboard cut out it reads: “COMING SOON - THE EM50-B”. Hemp
smiles and walks over to the cardboard cut out.
HEMP
(extending his hand)
Hey, Doctor...
He waits for a response then pulls his hand back.
HEMP
(irritated)
Fine, don’t say hi.
Hemp walks off quickly mumbling to himself as he walks

underneath the “WELCOME TO SHARK COUNTRY” sign without
noticing. In the tanks there are giant sharks swimming in
and out of the shadows. Hemp with his head down walks right
up to the tank, he slowly looks up. Swimming right at him is
a giant Great White. We hear Hemp’s heart beat begin to race
as the shark slowly swims closer and closer.
57.
CLOSE SHOT - HEMP’S EYES
Hemp’s eye’s completely widen as his heart begins to race.
FADE IN:
A SERIES OF SHOTS
A GREAT WHITE RIPPING APART SOME MEAT.
THE NHL TEAM SAN JOSE SHARKS MASCOT - “SJ SHARKY”.
CHILDREN’S CARTOON CHARACTER - JABBA JAW.
FRANK RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE WITH A STYROFOAM SHARK COSTUME

ON.
HEMP’S POV
The shark is only a few feet away and is approaching fast.

The shark opens it’s jaws wide, and just as the shark is
about to “engulf” Hemp, he is tapped on the shoulder gently
from behind.
HEMP
(turning and screaming)
SHARK!!! SHARK!!! SHARK!!!
Hemp immediately begins hysterically crying into the arms and

chest of a man. The man is wearing a custodial uniform and
his name is printed on his shirt. It reads: “TOURIN”
TOURIN THE CUSTODIAN

(lightly massaging Hemp)
It’s OK, it’s OK... Your safe now,
your with me.
The custodian leads Hemp down the hall.

Let’s get you out of these wet
clothes.
Hemp still sobbing wipes his nose, nods “yes” and continues
down the hall.
58.

You look like you could use a nice
warm cup of New England man
chowder.
Hemp continues to nod as they turn the corner and enter a

small room. Tea lights are lit as soft music plays. The
custodian closes the door behind them. We are left outside
the room, and hear a zipper loudly opening. Hemp immediately
walks out of the door and begins to run down a darkened hall.
HEMP
(running)
That didn’t happen!!! That did not
happen!!!
CUT TO:
Atlantis is still standing at his desk as Dr. Holland enters.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Is everything OK? I couldn’t help
but overhear what he said to you.
ATLANTIS
It’s just not fair! He promised us
that money, I swear I’ll raise that
money, some how some way I’ll get
it.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Well perhaps you won’t have to.
ATLANTIS
(curiously)
What do you mean, I won’t have to?
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Well, believe it or not my
department is well under budget for
the third straight quarter, and we
have more than enough money to fund
your research.
ATLANTIS
I thought your department just
purchased that state of the art
shark attack statician vehicle?
59.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Ah yes, the EM50-B, the majority of
that funding came from grants and
donations, so there is plenty of
money to go around.
ATLANTIS
You would do that for me?
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(edging closer to her)
Not just for you, but for him.
Across the office in the window is the Polargator, he is just

standing there staring back at them.
CUT TO:
INT. AQUARIUM - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp is still walking around the aquarium, looking back over

his shoulder. He comes across a large black security guard.
HEMP
Excuse me, but could you tell me
where Doctor Millen’s office is?
CUT TO:
Atlantis and Holland are exiting the office as she gives him
a hug.
ATLANTIS
Thank you so much Sebastian, your
doing a real nice thing.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Your welcome... Well I have to go,
I’ve got a lot of work today, I’ll
catch up with you later.
ATLANTIS
Bye Sebastian.
She enters her office which is down the hall a bit. It is

decorated with her degrees and photographs of her and the
Polargator. She picks up a framed photo off of her desk.
CUT TO:
60.
INSERT PHOTO - CONTINUOUS
Another picture of the Polargator mauling an Eskimo. She

sighs and looks at the photo. There is a knock at the door.
The security guard and Hemp are standing in the doorway.
Hemp is still soaking wet from the storm outside.
SECURITY GUARD
Doctor Millen, this gentleman was
looking for you?
ATLANTIS
(surprised)
Hemp, oh my God. What are you
doing here?
The security guard leaves.
HEMP
Well, I was just out for a jog and
I figured I’d stop by.
ATLANTIS
Today?
HEMP
(pulling at his stomach)
Well, you know..
ATLANTIS
Oh come on, you were always the
cutest guy in high school... Can I
get you a towel?
HEMP
Oh no thanks, I brought my own.
Hemp takes a small towel from his pocket and begins drying
off.
ATLANTIS
Oh, OK...
Hemp walks over to the wall and examines her diplomas.
HEMP
Wow! So your a doctor huh?
ATLANTIS
That’s what it said in the year
book.
61.
HEMP
That is so cool.
ATLANTIS
(blushing)
Yeah, for a few years now.
Hemp begins rotating his shoulder, making a wincing face.
HEMP
So you went to school for that
right?
ATLANTIS
(laughing at him)
Yeah I did... So how about you,
what have you been up to since the
film festival?
Hemp picks up a jar. Floating in fluid is a human hand with

a severe bite mark in it.
HEMP
(putting the jar down)
Oh you know...
ATLANTIS
Wasn’t that festival a joke? I
mean come on, every film receiving
an award.
HEMP
Yeah... We won’t be back there next
year.
ATLANTIS
My God right.
HEMP
So any chance of my meeting the
Polargator?
ATLANTIS
(sadly)
No, now’s not really a good time...
HEMP
No problem, we can do it some other
time then.
Atlantis begins to file some paperwork.

62.
HEMP
Well your kinda busy here, so...
But listen, me and my buddies will
be hangin’ out at The Groin on
Friday night, if you wanna stop up
and have a beer or something?
ATLANTIS
Awwwh, that’s so sweet, that sounds
great, I’d love to.
There is a loud intrusive knock at the door. Doctor Holland

pops his head into the office.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Um-humm, Atlantis darling, I’m
sorry but I couldn’t help but
overhear. Did you say Friday
night? Because Friday night is the
big Bi-Annual Shark Attack
Statistician's Ball.
ATLANTIS
Well, I can do both.
HEMP
(to Holland)
Your a what!?!?
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(proudly)
I am a shark attack statistician.
I have survived seven attacks.
HEMP
Well you look great!
Atlantis tries to hold back her laughter.
HEMP
(nervously)
I myself, I don’t... I... I don’t
care for sharks.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(pointing at Hemp)
You see!!! You see!!! Another
hater... We don’t need your kind
around here!
63.
HEMP
(defensively)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, chill out Jaba-
Jaw. I just have a problem with
being torn apart limb from limb by
a giant fish that’s all... Nothing
countless hours of psychotherapy
won’t help cure, I’m sure.
Atlantis continues to laugh to herself.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(addressing Atlantis)
You see what people think...
Holland turns towards Hemp.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Well my laymen friend, did you know
that last year more people were
killed by falling coconuts than
shark attacks?
HEMP
I didn’t know that, thanks. I’ll
be sure to take the necessary
precautions... OK... I’ll see you
Atlantis... Doctor.
Hemp exits the room as Holland gives him a dirty look.
ATLANTIS
Bye-bye Hemp.
After Hemp leaves, Atlantis hurriedly grabs a chart and her

stethoscope. She heads towards the door in a huff.
ATLANTIS
(curt)
I have to check on Polie.
She quickly leaves. Doctor Holland is left standing by

himself. The surroundings turn red as he begins breathing
heavily. An evil look emerges on his face.
FADE TO:
64.
CLOSE SHOT - RED AND ORANGE FLAME
Slow moving shot backing away to reveal a red lighter

igniting a red bong. Owen is taking a large bong “hit”.
CUT TO:
WIDE SHOT OF THE LIVING ROOM
Hemp, Frank, Fella, and Cat are on the couches. Owen

completes the hit and instantly begins coughing violently and
gyrating as everyone laughs at him. Suddenly, a red phone
to the left of Owen begins to ring and light up. Above the
phone the letters “BPH” are seen. Owen swiftly turns his
head to the ringing phone and stops coughing. His eyes
squint as he focuses and quiets the group with a hand
gesture.
OWEN
(into the phone)
Breast Pump Hot-line, Owen
Fitzmaurice speaking, how may I
help you?
A high screeching, ranting voice can be heard over the phone.
OWEN
Calm down, calm down Mrs.
Schnackenburg, calm down... Now
slowly, calmly, tell me what the
problem is.
A slower pace high pitched voice is heard from the phone.
OWEN
Umm, humm, humm, ohhh, I see, well
that is a problem.
More high pitched ranting is heard from the phone.
OWEN
Well, now to be fair Mrs.
Schnackenburg you were informed
before hand that the older models,
especially the B.P.I. have been
known to lock-up at times causing
significant back-flow.
More ranting is heard from the phone.

65.
OWEN
(cutting her off)
Come on Mrs. Schnackenburg. I’ve
told you a thousand times it has
absolutely nothing to do with the
size of your areolas.
More intense ranting is heard over the phone.
OWEN
(in a frustrated tone)
Mrs. Schnackenburg!!!! Listen I’m
going to help you but you must
listen and remain calm... OK? Do
you think you can do this? Because
if you can’t... OK. Now, find the
little wing-nut located on the
right side of the pump. You got
it? Good, now give it two turns to
the right... I know it doesn’t say
it in the manual... But, but....
Loud ranting is heard.
OWEN
(cutting her off)
Look, do you want milk or not?!...
OK, then, OK, there you go, got a
nice steady stream there? Good
flow?... Great. OK... OK, your
welcome Mrs. Schnachenburg. OK, I
will. Say hi to little Zacheria,
OK... Enjoy lunch.
Owen slowly hangs up the phone, looks around the room and
takes a deep breath.
FELLA
Stupid chicks do stupid things.
CAT
Unbelievable.
Owen nods “yes” to the group.
CUT TO:
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT

66.
CLOSE SHOT - BANNER
The banner reads: “Biannual Shark Attack Statisticians Ball”,

and has a logo of a human figure being eaten by a shark, arms
flailing into the air. The shot moves downward to reveal a
black tie affair. There is a handsome crowd of ladies and
gentlemen. Some mingling, some dining, some dancing. Soft
ballroom music is being played by a band on stage. The mood
is light.
CUT TO:
INT. BALLROOM - A CIRCLE OF MEN AND ATLANTIS
A casual circle of four men listening to Dr. Holland speak as

Atlantis stands by his side. Among the men are a Jewish man,
a black man, an Asian man, and an Indian man.
DR. HOLLAND
(pointing emphatically)
And that’s why I’ll never like
those people!
The four men nod and enjoy a good laugh together. Atlantis
rolls her eyes and walks away abruptly. Dr. Holland excuses
himself and walks after her.
DR. HOLLAND
Atlantis, where are you going?
ATLANTIS
I’m leaving Sebastian, you have
your friends.
DR. HOLLAND
(desperately)
Where? I’ll go with you.
ATLANTIS
I’m leaving Sebastian, good night.
She turns and walks away.
DR. HOLLAND
(stepping towards her)
Atlantis don’t lea...
A spotlight suddenly shines on Dr. Holland as the other

lights are cut. An “MC” is heard.
67.
MC (V.O.)
And the shark attack statistician
of the half year is... Dr.
Sebastian Holland.
Frozen with an angry look upon his face, he begins wryly

smiling. He waves to the crowd and turns toward the stage.
CUT TO:
EXT. BAR - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
Atlantis exits a taxi-cab. Her hair is up and she is wearing

her glasses. The sign above the bar reads: “THE PULLED
GROIN”.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER
A crowded, intimate, mostly wooden bar. Loud drunk chatter

is heard and rock music is coming from the jukebox. Atlantis
walks through the front door. A large sign greets her, it
reads: “FRI-NIGHTS - HOLD YOUR BEER NIGHT”. She proceeds in.
A large bouncer gently grabs her arm.
BOUNCER
Don’t you want a pitcher?
ATLANTIS
Pitcher? What for?
BOUNCER
It’s hold your beer night.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - BACK OF BAR - MOMENTS LATER
Cat holding a half empty pitcher of beer is riding a

mechanical bull. Beer is splattering everywhere. A large
crowd is gathered around cheering loudly. Cat’s T-shirt
reads: “TODAY IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY TO GAMBLE!”
CUT TO:
68.
INT. BAR - ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER
BOUNCER
You get to ride Tebuckey the Beer
Bouncing Bronco for forty-two
seconds, and whatever beer you have
left over in your pitcher, you
drink for free.
ATLANTIS
Oh... Well then, can I have a
second pitcher?
BARTENDER
(holding up two pitchers)
Absolutely!
ATLANTIS
Thanks.
She walks towards the back of the bar.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - BACK OF BAR - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp dismounting off of “Tebucky”. He has very little beer

left in his pitcher. He is wearing an unbuttoned short
sleeve shirt with a beer soaked white tank top underneath.
“Mardi Gras” beads hang around his neck and a big straw hat
sits atop his head. Hemp is receiving high-fives from
everyone, who is cheering him. Atlantis approaches Hemp from
behind and speaks into his ear.
ATLANTIS
(in a flirtacious tone)
Nice ride.
HEMP
(spinning around, drunk)
Atlantis!!! Holy shit!!! How’d
you know we’d be here?
ATLANTIS
You invited me.
HEMP
And you remembered! Wonderful.
Hemp hugs her tightly.

69.
HEMP
Let me introduce you to the boys.
Hemp turns back around towards his friends.
HEMP
Boys, I’d like you to meet my
friend Atlantis. Atlantis, these
are the boys.
Everyone waves and says hello.
ATLANTIS
(to Cat)
Great shirt.
CAT
(pointing at his shirt)
You... ahh?
ATLANTIS
Oh yeah, I love Atlantic City.
CAT
(looking at Hemp)
Owen walks over disgustingly drunk and winded.
OWEN
(resting on Frank)
Dude... When I get home I’m gonna
dip my balls in ice water and just
hover over the air conditioner for
thirty five, forty minutes.
FRANK
(pleading)
Not in the living room.
Hemp laughs as he turns back to Atlantis.
HEMP
(surprised)
Atlantis!!! So glad you could make
it.
Hemp hugs her again.
ATLANTIS
(laughing at him)
Yeah, me too, this place is great.
(MORE)
70.
ATLANTIS(cont'd)
I can’t believe I’ve never been
here.
HEMP
(slurring his words)
Well that’s OK... your always... ya
know at the zoo, doing important
thingssssstuff... You don’t, ya
know... Hey! I was watching the
Discovery Channel the other day,
and I couldn’t help but think of
you.
ATLANTIS
That is so sweet.
They stare at each other in awkward silence. Fella pops his

head in.
FELLA
Shots?
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - LATER
CLOSE SHOT - ATLANTIS ON “TEBUCKEY”
Atlantis holding two full pitchers of beer. Her hair is

down, glasses off. Her shirt is unbuttoned half-way down,
exposing her cleavage. She is wearing Hemp’s straw hat. Her
eyes are squinted, cheeks flushed. She nods “yes” as
Tebuckey begins moving, while the Tom Jones song, “She’s a
Lady” begins simultaneously. In slow-motion, Atlantis rides
“Tebuckey” in an extremely sensual, sexual manner. The
“bull” thrusts her back and forth as she moans.
CUT TO:
SLOW MOVING SHOT OF CROWD - ATLANTIS’S POV
The bar crowd cheers her on in slow-motion. Cat clearly

mouths the word “Unbelievable”.
CUT TO:
ATLANTIS ON “TEBUCKEY”
She rides the “bull” for a few more seconds and is then
violently thrown off camera. The music sharply cuts. We
hear the crowd’s “Ooooh’s”. There is a silent pause.
71.
Her arm and hand then extend on screen with a half-full

pitcher of beer. “WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, SHE’S A LADY” is heard
simultaneously. She stands up and receives a tremendous
ovation.
FADE OUT.
EXT. BAR - PARKING LOT - LATER
Hemp is helping Atlantis into a cab as people exit the bar.
HEMP
I’ll call you tomorrow?
ATLANTIS
(returning his straw hat)
You’d better buckaroo!!
She leans in and they kiss passionately. She begins smiling

as the kiss ends and she enters the cab. Hemp closes the
door. The cab pulls away as Hemp waves goodbye. Smiling,
Hemp begins to circle in the parking lot his arms extended to
his sides.
A MOVING SHOT DRAWS UP AND AWAY FROM HEMP AND INTO THE EMPTY,
STARLIT SKY. A SLOW SONG IS HEARD.
A SERIES OF SHOTS - DATE MONTAGE
Into the empty starlit sky comes a fast moving Ferris wheel
“car”. Hemp and Atlantis are in the “car” laughing.
Hemp is at a carnival game booth handing Atlantis a stuffed

animal he has won.
Hemp and Atlantis together toss a “dwarf” onto a Velcro wall

where he sticks. They high-five one another and smile.
Hemp kisses a bearded lady. She hands Hemp a larger stuffed

animal. Hemp and Atlantis smile.
An erupting volcano in the background. “Natives” are seen

everywhere chanting and singing. Atlantis dressed like a
Pacific Islander gingerly walks across burning coals. She
finishes her walk, bends down and grabs Hemp’s hand. He is
laying flat on a bed of nails. A native places a cinder
block on Hemp’s stomach and smashes it with a sledge hammer.
They smile at one another.
72.
Hemp and Atlantis are teammates playing doubles tennis at a

“Wimbledon” like setting. Grass tennis court, all white
dress, etc. The ball is blasted by Atlantis.
HEMP
(yelling)
Show some fucking hustle! Dammit!
Atlantis curses to herself.
Hemp on a motorcycle wearing a white leather jacket and a

thin pastel scarf. He opens the bike up full throttle as he
speeds towards a ramp. He takes off over a long line of
burning demolished cars. A banner unfurls from the back of
the bike. It reads: “HI ATLANTIS”. Hemp extends his arms
from the bike. As he re-grabs the handle bars, he pushes the
bike forward and begins to flip over the bars.
HEMP
Ohhhhh Shit!!!
Hemp crashes down into a burning vehicle.
Hemp and Atlantis calmly strolling down a serene beach.
ATLANTIS
(turning to Hemp)
Hemp.
HEMP
Yes beautiful?
ATLANTIS
Do you think that our relationship
is getting... ya know, kinda stale?
HEMP
(shocked)
No!!?
ATLANTIS
(joyfully)
I know!! I’ve got someone I’d love
for you to meet, come on.
Atlantis pulls Hemp down the beach. They run by a man in a

beach chair. It is Dr. Holland in a fake mustache disguise.
He is reading a newspaper. It reads: “SHARK ATTACK WEEKLY -
FOR THE SERIOUS STATISTICIAN”.
CUT TO:
73.
EXT. POOL AREA OF AQUARIUM - DAY
Hemp and Atlantis walk to the edge of an aquarium sized

in-ground pool. A sign in the background reads: “PLINKO”.
Atlantis bends down to water’s edge while a bottle-nosed
dolphin swims over to her. Atlantis “hugs” the dolphin.
ATLANTIS
Hemp, this is PLINKO, Plinko this
is Hemp.
Hemp extends his arm for a handshake, Atlantis laughs.
HEMP
Hi Plinko.
He bends down to greet the dolphin. Plinko splashes water

into Hemp’s face.
ATLANTIS
(laughing)
Awwh see, he likes you. Who’s my
baby? Who’s my little baby? I’ve
had him since he was a calf, yes I
did. Mommy loves you soooo much...
Go ahead, you can pet him, he’s
friendly.
Hemp cautiously extends his hand, then pets him casually.
ATLANTIS
Would you like to swim with him?
He loves company.
Plinko makes dolphin “clicking” noises.
HEMP
No, no that’s alright... Really?
ATLANTIS
Sure hop in.
HEMP
(untying his shoes)
Wait, there aren’t any sharks in
here are there?
ATLANTIS
(laughing)
You’re so funny.
74.
Hemp peers into the water, smiles nervously and jumps in.
They swim and play together.
HEMP
This is so cool, you coming in?
ATLANTIS
I will in a minute, I’ve got to
check my e-mails. You boys play
nice.
She walks off into the aquarium. Hemp waves to Atlantis from
the corner of the pool.
HEMP
Say bye Plinko... Come here Plinko,
good boy... Ahaww, whmm, wooaahhh,
not there boy... No Plinko!!! No
God no!!!
CUT TO:
INT. ATLANTIS’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
She is at her desk facing away from a sliding glass door.

Through the glass door, the pool area is clearly visible.
Plinko has Hemp cornered and pinned against the pool wall.
Two-thirds of Plinko’s body is out of the water as the
dolphin’s “hip” area thrusts back and forth. Water is
splashing everywhere. We vaguely hear Hemp’s screams through
the thick glass door.
CUT TO:
EXT. POOL AREA OF AQUARIUM - CONTINUOUS
The dolphin, still thrusting is making high-pitched noises.

Water splashes about as Hemp wears a look of sheer terror.
HEMP
(yelling)
This is not happening!... Oh my God
please stop!
CUT TO:
Dr. Holland positioned behind a pool-side fence. He smiles

while he witnesses the attack, then slowly walks away.
75.
CLOSE SHOT - HEMP’S POV/PLINKO’S POV
The high pitched noises are faster and louder.
HEMP
No means nooooo!!!!!!!!
The shot “zooms” into Hemp’s mouth until the screen is black.
CUT TO:
EXT. CLOSE SHOT - HEMP’S FACE
Hemp stares out into nothing, not breathing, not moving.

White “goo” is dripping off his face. Hemp is hit on the
side of his face by a powerful stream of water. He remains
motionless.
NEW ANGLE - MUCH WIDER SHOT - CONTINUOUS
Hemp standing over a drain, covered in this white “goo” which

drops to the floor in clumps. A small Mexican man hoses Hemp
down as he giggles to himself. Atlantis stands nearby.
ATLANTIS
(holding back laughter )
Hemp, I am so sorry.
Hemp remains motionless and speechless.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. DOCTOR HOLLAND’S OFFICE
A dimly lit, well kept space. Shark posters and diplomas are
hung about. A red glow from the computer monitor illuminates
Dr. Holland’s face as he sits at his desk on the phone.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(into office phone)
No, sir please, that ridiculous
freak of nature has cost this
aquarium hundreds of thousands of
dollars and countless lawsuits.
He’s just got to go... I agree...
(MORE)
76.
DOCTOR HOLLAND(cont'd)
I don’t know sir, but I know I
speak for the rest of the
scientists here when I say that the
money wasted on the Polargator
could be reallocated to something
much more profitable to the
aquarium... Well thank you sir,
I’ll be sure to pass that along to
my constituents... Oh don’t worry,
she’s a professional. She knows
how things work, she’s known for
sometime, she’ll be fine...
Doctor Holland’s cell-phone rings. It is the theme to Jaws.
DR. HOLLAND
(into office phone)
I’ll speak with her, OK... OK, you
too sir... OK... Good-bye.
He hangs up the office phone and answers his cell-phone.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(angrily)
What the hell took you so long!!?
Did you get everything?... And my
laundry? That is outstanding.
He slowly puts his cell-phone down and picks up a pen.
INSERT - PAPER ON DOCTOR HOLLAND’S DESK
A drawing of the children’s game “HANG-MAN” shows a stick

figure body with arms, legs, and eyes, being “hung”. Below
the drawing, the letters “H”, “M”, AND “P” are “filled” in
the proper underlined area, with one spot left between the
letters “H”, and “M”. Below, the letters “B”, “Z”, “O”, and
“K” are all “used up/scratched out”.
DOCTOR HOLLAND (V.O.)

(writing the letter “C”)
Let’s try “C”. Oh, so sorry Hemp,
there just wasn’t “E”- nough room
for the both of us.
Dr. Holland draws a frown onto the stick figure’s face as he

laughs to himself. He takes a deep breath and stares
straight ahead.
CUT TO:
77.
EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - FACING THE ROAD - DAY
A mini-van pulls into frame. The van is painted and reads:

“Rent-A-Bunny”. The van parks in front of the house.
Fella is coming down the stairs into the living room. He

quickly grabs his keys. Owen and Frank are on the couch.
OWEN
Where ya goin’ there Fella?
FELLA
I just gotta... go somewhere.
OWEN
I’m in. C’mon Frank.
Owen grabs Frank up off the couch.
OWEN
I’ve got nothing to do.
FELLA
I know you don’t pal.
CUT TO:
EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Fella, Frank, and Owen walk across the lawn towards Fella’s
car. Cat exits his mini-van wearing a bunny costume.
FELLA
Ahwww Christ.
CAT
Where you guys going?
FRANK
Yeah, where are we going Fella?
FELLA
(reluctantly)
We’re going to “Toys R’ Us”.
Frank, Cat, and Owen smile and pull at one another’s arms as
they high-five each other.
78.
FELLA
(pointing at them, Cat
last)
No!!!... No, no, and no! I’ll
leave you here.
CAT
Oh I am involved.
FELLA
We are in and out. I’m buying one
thing.
Fella points back at Cat.
FELLA
Your not wearing that.
OWEN
One second, gotta grab some toes.
Owen turns and runs back into the house.
FELLA
(yelling)
Hurry!!!
CUT TO:
INT. FELLA’S CAR
Fella, Cat, and Frank sit waiting for Owen. Cat, bunny suit
on, sits in the passenger seat. Frank is in the back.
FELLA
(honking the horn)
Come on ass-hole! What the fuck
could he possibly be doing?
Fella gazes down at Cat’s mud covered “bunny” feet.
FELLA
Way to wipe your feet before you
got into the car ass-hole.
CAT
(looking down)
Oh, I didn’t notice.
FELLA
I would expect nothing less.
79.
EXT. HEMP’S HOUSE - FACING FRONT DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Owen comes running out of the house with a large “blunt”

raised into the air. He is wearing a “Geoffrey the Giraffe”
T-shirt. Sprinting across the lawn he trips and falls face
first out of the shot. Owen’s hand holding the “blunt”
remains on screen.
OWEN (V.O.)
Still in it... Still in it.
CUT TO:
INT. FELLA’S CAR - VIEW FROM REAR VIEW MIRROR
Fella’s eyes peer into the back of his vehicle. The shot
“pulls” backwards revealing Owen and Frank in the back seat
passing around the blunt. Owen’s nose is horribly swollen,
red, and packed with gauze. A “handle-bar” mustache of dried
blood surrounds Owen’s mouth and down his neck. Owen smiles.
CUT TO:
EXT. TOYS R’ US - PARKING LOT - DAY
The lot is full except for the furthest possible spot.

Fella’s car swings into the vacant slot and they exit the
car. Fella wears a disgusted look.
FRANK
(arm around Fella)
It’s OK pal, we’ll be the first
one’s out.
Fella storms ahead towards the entrance shaking his head.
CAT
Why are we here anyway?
FELLA
(over his shoulder, curt)
My brother had a kid.
OWEN
Congrats buddy! Your first cousin!
FRANK
No... I believe it’s his second.
Frank, Owen, and Cat pause to think about it.

80.
CAT
Cause’ it’s not his ?
FRANK, OWEN, & CAT

(nodding their heads yes)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh... right, right.
They begin walking again as Fella sighs dramatically.
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BLACK LIGHT/SMOKE ROOM
Hemp and Fella are sitting, sparking a joint.
FELLA
So, that was my day.
HEMP
Terrible, hope your cousin will
like her gift.
FELLA
I’m sure she’ll hate it.
HEMP
Yeah I guess. The important thing
is that you dominate at the big
social tonight.
FELLA
No doubt.
Hemp picks up a “check-list” off of the table.
HEMP
Let’s see... Plates, cups,
streamers, olives... Oh shit, I
forgot...
FELLA
Toes?
HEMP
No! I forgot I promised my dad I
would stop by today.
81.
FELLA
(happily)
Oh yeah?
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S FATHER’S HOUSE - HOME OFFICE
HEMP’S DAD is standing behind a large desk. Bowling trophies

and pictures of vacuums adorn the walls. Hemp and Fella make
their way in.
HEMP’S DAD
My boy!!!
He extends his arms while maneuvering around the desk. He

hugs Fella.
FELLA
(hugging back)
How ya doing pal?
HEMP’S DAD
Good to see you!
FELLA
Always good to see the Big H.
They end their hug. Hemp’s dad extends his hand to shake
Hemp’s hand.
HEMP’S DAD
Son.
HEMP
(shaking his hand)
Father.
Hemp’s dad puts his arm around Fella and leads them to
several chairs.
HEMP’S DAD
Well come in, sit down... I burnt
some new “Esteban” CD’s for you.
FELLA
(receiving a few CD’s)
Yeah!?
Hemp’s dad presses play on the CD player as music blares. He

quickly lowers the volume. Hemp and Fella sit in ordinary
office chairs as Hemp’s dad settles into a throne.
82.
HEMP’S DAD
Can I get you boys a beer?
HEMP AND FELLA

Sure.
He grabs three Corona’s from a mini-fridge, hands them to the

boys as they toast and share a drink.
HEMP’S DAD
So tell me gentleman, how’s life
been going?
FELLA
Everything is going great.
HEMP’S DAD
Excellent answer.
Hemp’s dad smiles and looks over at his son.
HEMP
OK I guess... I really don’t know.
HEMP’S DAD
(no longer smiling)
Disgraceful... So what’s the
problem now? Is it still the pole-
vaulting thing? ‘Cause if it is
I’m calling that shrink right now,
I want my money back.
He picks up his phone.
HEMP
(grabbing his dad’s hand)
No dad, dad please don’t.
FELLA
I told you, you can’t trust those
people. They fuck with your mind.
HEMP
It’s not that...
HEMP’S DAD
Well then what is it? Is it your
job again? You’ve got a great job.
HEMP
(saddened)
Yeah great job...
(MORE)
83.
HEMP(cont'd)
Every time I go to work I get to
fondle another man’s penis.
FELLA
They give you gloves for that
right?
HEMP’S DAD
Please tell me you wear gloves.
HEMP
Yes, I wear gloves!
HEMP’S DAD
Because if you don’t, we could
always use a new salesman.
HEMP
I wear the gloves!!!
HEMP’S DAD
OK fine, you wear the gloves... He
wears the gloves.
FELLA
We’re just looking out for you here
pal.
HEMP’S DAD
OK... So it’s not your
pole-vaulting, it’s not your job...
Is it a lady friend?
HEMP
No dad!.. Geeze... I just feel like
I’m wasting my time.
FELLA
Spinning your wheels?
HEMP’S DAD
Struggling day after day with no
hope in sight?
HEMP
I just feel like... like my life
has absolutely no direction
whatsoever.
HEMP’S DAD
(very softly, slowly)
Oh... I see... Directions are a
funny, funny, funny, thing...
(MORE)
84.
HEMP’S DAD(cont'd)
You never know which way they are
going to go. They could go up.
Hemp’s dad stares up into the air and pauses. Hemp looks up
but sees nothing.
HEMP’S DAD
Ahhh... Like this one time, I was
on my way to Pittsburgh on
business...
FELLA
(excitedly)
Sure.
HEMP’S DAD
... You must have been about
thirteen at the time...
Hemp smiles softly at his father.
HEMP’S DAD
... No, no... You were four.
Hemp stops smiling.
HEMP’S DAD
There I was, a young bucking vacuum
tech consultant on my very first
road assignment. I was in my
little silver “Celica”...
He points at Fella.
HEMP’S DAD
... Your first car. So, I find
this big ‘ole “Greyhound” bus, boy
was it big... So I just positioned
my little “Celica” right behind it,
and it just sucked me right in.
And I just drafted the rest of the
way... never touching the gas... It
was really, something.
FELLA
You must have gotten really close
to the bus to be drafted like that.
HEMP’S DAD
(proudly and slowly)
Oh yeah... If he had tapped the
breaks I would’ve smacked right
into the back of that sucker.
85.
FELLA
(amazed)
Wow!!!
HEMP’S DAD
Yeah it was so... it was just so
great.
HEMP
(shaking his head)
So, how’d you know where the bus
was going?
A long silent pause.
HEMP’S DAD
(raising his hands up)
I had no idea where the bus was
going.
FELLA
(in a whistling manner)
Wooooh!!
Hemp, open-jawed stares at his father who simply nods at him.
CUT TO:
INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO - A TALK-SHOW SET
A live studio audience of only women fill the seats. All

different races, shapes, and ages are present. On stage,
three cushioned chairs are visible. Two are angled at one
another, while the other is facing forward in between the
angled two. A large red “V” hangs in the background.
Cameramen and crewmen are milling about.
CAMERAMAN
And we’re back in five, four,
three...
He silently signals two, then one.
CUT TO:
INSERT - TELEVISION SCREEN
A shot of an empty stage.

86.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Welcome back to America’s favorite
family show... “Vagina Face-Off”.
A large applause is heard as the hanging “V” blinks.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Our next guests include the world
famous sex therapist, DOCTOR MARY
ST. PETE...
The ovation swells.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
... And sitting across from her
tonight is author Owen Fitzmaurice.
Dead silence.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And once again, the star of “Vagina
Face-Off”, your host, FRANCINE
CERUTTI!!!
Her theme music cues as she enters the stage to an

appreciative crowd. She is dressed like the talk-show host
she is. Francine is attractive, tall, and in her mid-
thirties. She blows kisses to the audience.
FRANCINE
Welcome back... Boy do we have a
treat for you right now. This
should be an absolutely incredible
face-off. I am so excited, coming
out shortly we have my favorite
author and sexual psychotherapist
right here in our studio. Her
works include: “CONDOMS - A MUST
FOR MY LUST”, and her newest
release which has just sky-rocketed
to the top of the New York Times
best seller list...
She holds the book up to the crowd, then against her chest.
FRANCINE
... and I just love it, your all
getting a signed copy today... “MY
VAGINA, MY CHOICE”... Here she is,
the one, the only, Dr. Mary St.
Pete!
87.
Dr. St. Pete comes on stage waving to the crowd. She is

dressed conservatively sporting a women’s business suit. She
is very well kept and in her early forties. Her and the host
embrace in a hug. Francine whispers into her ear and they
enjoy a laugh. Dr. St. Pete takes a seat and a sip of water.
FRANCINE
Tonight, Dr. St. Pete will be
facing-off against the eastern sea-
boards leading breast pump
salesperson and coauthor of the
controversial new book, “LIVING A
LIE - THE GREAT CONDOM CONSPIRACY”.
Here is Mr. Owen Fitzmaurice.
The audience boos and hisses as Owen casually waves to them.

He is dressed in a blazer with a tight turtle-neck on
underneath. An ascot dangles from his chest. Owen shakes
hands with both women and takes his seat. The host sits
gracefully between them.
FRANCINE
Wow! We’ve really got both ends of
the spectrum here with us
tonight... Dr. St. Pete, let’s
begin with you... You stated in
your book that unprotected, non-
marital sex should be illegal, and
men who were caught participating
in it should be criminally
prosecuted and serve jail time.
How do you justify that?
DR. ST. PETE

Very, very simply... STD’s are as
we all know extremely dangerous and
costly. They are as bad as armed
robbery, or assault, and that’s
just what these men are doing when
they don’t wear condoms, they are
launching an all out assault on our
innocent, unsuspecting bodies.
A polite applause is heard.
FRANCINE
(nodding in approval)
That is so... That is so right on.
She turns and faces Owen, he smiles and waves at her.
FRANCINE
Mr. Fitzmaurice...
88.
OWEN
(cutting her off)
Mr. Fitzmaurice? Mr. Fitzmaurice
is my father’s name, I am Owen.
FRANCINE
(picking up Owen’s book)
You stated in your book, and I’m
quoting here that... Let me get
this right... “Condoms are single-
handedly causing the downfall of
American society today, and I am
ashamed to live in a world where a
man is expected to make sex less
enjoyable for everyone involved”?
She lowers the book and peers at him, he stares back.
FRANCINE
I think we all deserve an answer to
that!
OWEN
(very calmly)
You see Francine... When a man has
to “pull-out”, it teaches him a
certain sense of responsibility...
Owen rolls his hands.
OWEN
... Which in turn he will carry
with him throughout his entire
life. And, because of this learned
responsibility, he will be a much
more productive member of society.
He opens his hands towards the audience.
OWEN
Thus, we are a better society.
DR. ST. PETE

(agitated)
You sir are a menace to society.
That is simply insane! And you
should be locked away for a long,
long time and thus, we are a better
society.
She opens her hands to the audience in a similar fashion as

she smugly smiles at Owen.
89.
OWEN
OK, put yourself in my penis for a
moment will you?
Owen stares down at his groin.
OWEN
OK buddy, I did it! She actually
wants to meet you... Oh, I can’t
believe it either... No, no, no,
your welcome... buuuuuuuuut, there
is one thing though... You have to
wear this...
Owen unfurls an opened condom.
OWEN
... This slimy, smelly, airtight
piece of latex all around you until
you make a complete mess of
yourself... But, don’t worry, it
will still feel the same.
Owen looks up at Dr. St. Pete.
OWEN
I mean, come on. Do you honestly
think that this is fair?
DR. ST. PETE

I certainly think it is more than
fair. The risks you are taking by
having unprotected sex far outweigh
the loss of some sensation you may,
notice I said may experience while
wearing a condom. Modern science
has made great strides in the field
of latex technology improving
pleasure for everyone involved...
Condoms sir, are saving society!
OWEN
Ohhhh, well then, tell me this
doctor... What exactly does wearing
a condom feel like?
DR. ST. PETE

(visibly flustered)
That’s not the point!!!
90.
OWEN
Well then, until you experience
first hand the physical and mental
anguish that these modern day
torture devices inflict upon us, I
highly suggest you stick to subject
matter in which you have not only
theoretical, but practical
expertise as well, doctor!!!
FRANCINE
(nervously)
I’m sure we are all not gathered
here to question Dr. St. Pete’s
area of expertise.
Francine holds her hand up to her ear piece and nods.
FRANCINE
Dr. St. Pete, you have a new
charity you’d like to tell us
about?
DR. ST. PETE

(composing herself)
Yes... Thank you Francine. Our
organization helps to fund sexual
education in pre-school and
kindergarten to teach four and five
year olds the importance of sex
education and safety. You can
reach us to send a donation on-line
at “IT’S NEVER TOO EARLY DOT COM”.
She smiles proudly.
FRANCINE
That’s fabulous.
The theme music starts again as the “V” blinks.
FRANCINE
Well that’s all the time we have
for today...
OWEN
(screaming)
What!!!???
FRANCINE
... Please tune in next week when
we discuss the liberation of the
Iraqi clitoris...
(MORE)
91.
FRANCINE(cont'd)
Good or bad for the Middle-East
peace process? Only here, on
“Vagina Face-Off”.
Francine stands and waves to the crowd. Credits begin to

roll on screen, as Owen stands up and screams over the music.
OWEN
What about my organization!!??
He rips off his blazer and turtle-neck exposing a white T-

shirt that clearly reads: “C.A.C.”, vertically.
OWEN
(fighting off security)
What about all we’ve done!? CAC,
I’m the founder of CAC, Completely
Against...
CUT TO:
Hemp, Frank, Fella, Cat, and Guy are on the couches watching
TV, passing around a joint.
OWEN (V.O.)
(heard from television)
... Condoms!!! To support,
protect, and ensure the future of
enjoyable sex for everyone!!!
CAT
(staring straight ahead)
CUT TO:
INT. AQUARIUM - DR. HOLLAND’S OFFICE
Dr. Holland is standing at his doorway. A young man, early

twenties, dressed like a nerd enters his office carrying a
large box and dry-cleaned clothing. Dr. Holland closes the
door behind him, draws the blinds and quickly opens the box.
YOUNG MAN
So, how’d we do?
DOCTOR HOLLAND
We did wonderful... just wonderful.
92.
Into the shot, Dr. Holland holds up a “warm-up” suit. He

smiles and laughs sadistically.
FADE TO BLACK.
EXT. AQUARIUM PARKING LOT - DAY
Atlantis exits her car. Her hair is down, glasses off. She
is wearing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, with no lab coat.
She is humming to herself as she flashes her ID to the guard.
In the distance, frantic talking is heard. Atlantis picks up
her pace as the apparent commotion intensifies. She rounds a
corner and witnesses several scientists, and the little
Mexican man, hovering over Plinko the dolphin. Plinko is in
a marine sling, hoisted out of the water. The dolphin is
terribly discolored and moaning painfully. Atlantis races
over to Plinko. Dr. Holland cuts her off just before she
reaches him.
ATLANTIS
(frantically)
Oh my God Plinko! What happened?
DR. HOLLAND
(holding her back)
We don’t know yet... He’s very
sick.
ATLANTIS
(screaming and crying)
Nooo! Don’t worry baby! Mommy is
here, mommy’s here.
She breaks free of Dr. Holland and runs to Plinko’s side.

The dolphin moans repeatedly.
ATLANTIS
(stroking Plinko)
It’s OK. Mommy’s here, mommy’s
here.
ANOTHER DOCTOR
It could be loneliness, you haven’t
been around much lately.
Dr. Holland shoots the other doctor a cautionary stare.
ATLANTIS
No, he’s right, it’s my fault.
I’ve been neglecting my work, my
life, Plinko... mommy’s sorry, I
love you so much.
93.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(pulling her away)
You can’t help him like this, you
are too hysterical, go inside.
ATLANTIS
No!!!
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(escorting her away)
Plinko doesn’t need you like this,
go inside and come back after you
have fully calmed down.
ATLANTIS
I can help!
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Not like this you can’t. Now
please, go inside.
CUT TO:
INT. AQUARIUM - ATLANTIS’S OFFICE
She is at her desk searching through thick medical books.

Dr. Holland softly knocks on her door and enters with a cup
of water and two aspirin. She nervously stands up.
ATLANTIS
How is he?
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(handing her the water)
It was close there for awhile,
but...
ATLANTIS
But what!?
DOCTOR HOLLAND
But we think he’ll be fine.
ATLANTIS
(breathing heavily)
Oh thank God, oh my God, I was so
scared.
She hugs Dr. Holland, he smiles over her shoulder.
ATLANTIS
Oh thank you... Thank you so much.
94.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(pushing her back a bit)
Atlantis sit.
He pulls out a chair for her.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
There is something I have to show
you.
ATLANTIS
(wiping a tear away)
What?... Come on what?
DOCTOR HOLLAND
The security guard gave me this
tape.
He puts a VHS tape into a nearby VCR.
A man wearing a ski-mask and an olympic “warm-up” suit has

his back to the camera. The name - “STEVENS” is clearly
visible on the back of the suit, with a USA arch, and the
famous olympic rings. The man snoops around the dolphin
tank, “baby” stepping his way to the water’s edge. The man
undoes his “fly” and urinates in the pool. He makes
exaggerated, swooping, overdone hip gestures. He shakes off,
zips up, and picks up a long pool skimmer, unscrews the
netting, and pole-vaults himself over the diving board. He
celebrates after landing and runs off screen.
CUT TO:
INT. AQUARIUM - ATLANTIS’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Dr. Holland presses stop on the VCR.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Sickening... What reason could he
have for doing this to Plinko?
ATLANTIS
I just can’t believe it... I just
can’t believe he would do that.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
What kind of animal is he?
95.
Atlantis cries into his chest. He wryly smiles.
FADE TO BLACK.
The house is decorated for a party. A banner above reads:

“Congratulations Fella - 1000 lbs. Provided”. Hemp, Cat, and
Fella are setting out “chips and dips” and appear jovial.
Atlantis charges through the front door, slams it violently,
and enters the living room. She is out of breath and
disoriented.
CAT
Someone is ready to dominate,
unbelievable.
HEMP
Atlantis you’re here early! Solid!
Let’s start boozing.
Everyone warmly smiles at Atlantis.
ATLANTIS
(staring Hemp down)
How could you?... How could you?!!!
Cat shakes his head at Hemp in disapproval.
HEMP
Hummm?
ATLANTIS
(holding back tears)
He is a beautiful, innocent
creature of God.
She covers her face and begins to cry. Hemp lightly touches
her shoulder.
ATLANTIS
Don’t touch me!... You are a
disgusting animal.
HEMP
What in the world are you talking
about?
ATLANTIS
Do you honestly think that I am
that stupid Hemp? I saw the video.
96.
FELLA
Hey, now what he did before you two
met is really none of your
business.
ATLANTIS
(looking at Fella, Hemp)
What?
HEMP
What are you talking about? What
video?
ATLANTIS
(softly)
I just wanted to look into your
eyes. I just wanted to see for
myself who you truly are.
HEMP
Atlantis, pretend for one second
that I have no idea what you are
talking about.
ATLANTIS
Plinko!?
HEMP
This is about Plinko?
ATLANTIS
(beginning to cry again)
Yeah! You know what you did to
him, you almost killed him.
Hemp nervously looks left and right, then pulls Atlantis into
the back room and closes the door behind them.
CAT
Plinko?
Fella shrugs his shoulders.
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BACK ROOM/BLACKLIGHT ROOM
Hemp is standing between Atlantis and “Copper’s” octagon fish

tank. Atlantis sits on a couch.
97.
HEMP
What I did to Plinko? Pardon me,
but if memory serves, Plinko had
his way with me.
ATLANTIS
And you just couldn’t accept his
love.
HEMP
Accept it?... I can still taste
Plinko’s love!
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - FAVORING DOOR TO BACK ROOM
Fella and Cat eavesdrop against the back door. They look at
one another with confused/concerned faces.
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BACK ROOM/BLACKLIGHT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
ATLANTIS
He was just trying to be
affectionate, and you even said
that it wasn’t that bad.
HEMP
Atlantis, whatever you may think
happened, didn’t. I would never
hurt Plinko in any way... I swear
on the souls of all my love
children that I would never hurt a
fish.
ATLANTIS
(beginning to believe)
Mammal.
HEMP
Mammal, fish, I would never hurt
any creature of the sea.
Atlantis smiles as Hemp takes a seat beside her on the couch.

She looks into Hemp’s eyes and then turns her head forward
and stares at “Copper’s” ridiculously small fish tank. The
empty water jug, “NEW TANK FUND”, is even more empty than
before. She quickly stands up.
98.
ATLANTIS
(yelling in shock)
Oh my God! How could you Hemp?
HEMP
What?
She walks over to the tank.
ATLANTIS
This is how you treat your fish?!
She looks back at Hemp, then down to her feet as she begins
quickly talking to herself.
ATLANTIS
(pacing)
He did it, I can’t believe he did
it. Holland was right all along.
HEMP
Doctor? What does he have to do
with this?
ATLANTIS
(staring up at Hemp)
He’s the only real man I know...
And to think I made out with you.
Atlantis leaves the room quickly and slams the door behind
her. Hemp, staring at the fish tank swings the door back
open and screams.
HEMP
He wasn’t this big when we got him!
FADE OUT.
Hemp, Fella, and Frank are standing amidst a raging party.

Hemp slowly sips a beer.
HEMP
That was it, that was the best I’ll
ever do.
FRANK
Most likely.
Hemp stares at Frank sadly, then back ahead.

99.
HEMP
Do you think she’ll come back?
FRANK
(looking around)
Did she forget her purse?
HEMP
(lowering his head)
No... Well maybe she d...
FELLA
(cutting him off angrily)
Guy! It’s just a girl, they are
all replaceable...
An attractive woman walks by as Fella’s eyes follow her.
FELLA
... They are all the same dude.
Sure, it’s all warm and fuzzy in
the beginning, then one day you
find yourself somewhere you would
never be, doing something you would
never do, with people you would
never do anything with... All the
while, being brainwashed into
thinking that she is the best thing
that ever came into your miserable
excuse for a life. Till, finally
you become a bumbling, pathetic,
apologetic, imbecile whose
terrified to even mention what is
truly on his mind.
Frank nods approvingly.
FELLA
And that my friend is how it
begins. The raping of your soul...
Oh, I know, she was different, she
was the one. Trust me, they are
all exactly the same with one
unified goal in mind, to tame us,
to break our spirit, to get us to
function in “society”, until we
become so demoralized that we look
forward to doing something that we
absolutely despise. We actually
begin to look forward to going to
work just so we can get away from
them.
(MORE)
100.
FELLA(cont'd)
They absorb what was once us, and
spit out a kinder, gentler, well
trained version that their mothers
would approve of...
FRANK
(raising beer, humming)
Preach! Preach brother!
FELLA
My friend, once you join the ranks
of the neutered, once you walk this
path... you are not seen or heard
from ever again... Sure now, here
before us, you think you can fight
it. You think you can strike this
balance no man has ever found.
Well I’ve got news for you Ponce de
Leon, eventually, you will become
exhausted and you will concede.
Then you are doomed to walk the
earth cursing the youth, despising
the free and their enjoyment and
lust for life. All of which, may I
add, you are so willing to forfeit
voluntarily. And for what? So you
can get yelled at for forgetting
the fish! Pal, I say to you that
this egregious cycle of
assimilation ends here! And it
ends right now!
Another female strolls by seductively. Fella follows her

with his eyes as well. He takes a sip of his beer.
FELLA
However, now please for us...
Pointing between Frank and himself, handing Hemp a beer.
FELLA
... Get drunk...
Hands Hemp a joint.
FELLA
... Get stoned...
Hemp begins to smile as Fella attempts to hand Hemp a condom.
FELLA
... And for the love of God, get
laid.
101.
A mysterious hand flies into the circle and smacks the condom
out of Fella’s hand. Owen appears as he shoots Fella a
threatening glance. From his back pocket, Owen pulls out
green rubber gloves and a set of laboratory tongs. He picks
up the condom with the tongs keeping it far from his body.
Owen walks through the crowd.
OWEN
Make way!!! Make way!!!
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. PARKING LOT OF AQUARIUM - DAY
Hemp exits his car with a dozen roses and walks towards the
entrance approaching a security booth. Behind the booth, a
very large poster picturing Hemp’s face during the “dolphin
rape” is hung. The word “BANNED” is written across the top.
SECURITY GUARD
ID please.
Hemp hands the man his license. The guard picks up a phone.
SECURITY GUARD
(into the phone)
Yeah, he’s here.
HEMP
Is there a problem?
SECURITY GUARD
Oh yeah, there’s a problem. You
like to hurt dolphins, eh buddy?
Four guards come around the corner carrying “Billy” clubs.

Hemp drops the roses and runs away.
CUT TO:
INT. HEMP’S HOUSE - BLACK LIGHT/SMOKE ROOM
Hemp, Frank, Fella, and Cat are all seated on the couches.
Small talk is heard.
FRANK
(to Hemp)
Don’t worry dude, I’m sure someone
will think of something.
102.
Hemp looks at Cat for approval.
CAT
I don’t like our odds. I would not
be involved.
Hemp looks at Fella.
FELLA
Who cares dude?
HEMP
I give up, I’ll never see her
again.
At that moment, Owen bursts through the door.
OWEN
I know how we are going to solve
all of your problems.
FRANK
(sitting up excited)
Oh yeah!?
Fella eases Frank back into the couch.
FELLA
Not you pal.
Frank sits back and sighs.
HEMP
Just forget it! It’s ov...
OWEN
(cutting of Hemp)
Woah! I don’t think so. Look pal,
we don’t know who this Plinko is or
what you did with him, but we just
can’t stand you this way!
HEMP
It just doesn’t matter.
OWEN
(more feverishly)
The cavalry has arrived and judging
by the sorry ass look on your face
not a moment too soon. We are
going to be so strong that we shall
be immovable.
(MORE)
103.
OWEN(cont'd)
We shall gather so much mo, that we
will be unstoppable. We are gonna
band together so tightly that we
shall be impenetrable...
HEMP
Try telling that to Plinko.
OWEN
But most of all... we will win!
The group begins to show signs of life.
OWEN
Oh, it shall not be easy. True our
buddy has clearly had his season
pass from the aquarium revoked.
Sure the odds are stacked against
him, and of course no one really
cares. But we have an opportunity
to right a moral wrong, a duty to
expose this Jacque Cousteau for
what he truly is. A sniveling,
conniving foreigner...
Owen glances to the edge of the couch where the small Mexican
man sits silently holding a fighting cock in both hands.
OWEN
No offense Juan Pablo.
The Mexican man shrugs his shoulders silently. Owen re-

focuses back on the group.
OWEN
(angrily)
And sniveling, conniving foreigners
don’t get to trash our olympic
heroes now do they fellas?!
The rest of the group shakes their heads “no”.
OWEN
We are the only one’s who can help
Hemp rise once again. We are the
only one’s... And I know just how
we are gonna do it.
A pause as Owen peers around the silent room.
CAT
(nodding emphatically)
I could be involved.
104.
The room suddenly has energy. Everyone, but Fella throws a

hand into the middle, Hemp begins to smile.
OWEN
(staring at Fella)
A-hem
Fella slowly, reluctantly puts his hand in the middle.
FELLA
United we stand.
EVERYONE
(raising hands skyward)
Woooooh!!!
OWEN
OK, here’s the plan.
TRAINING MONTAGE - A SERIES OF SHOTS
Inspirational music swells in volume and plays throughout.
OWEN THE COMMANDER - PART I
Wearing a World War II military helmet, Owen describes his

plan to the group using a crude model consisting of salt n’
pepper shakers, beer caps, and action figures.
FRANK THE FILMAKER
Frank is shown “cutting and pasting” a film reel together.
FELLA THE COMMUNITY PROVIDER
Fella making a sly, profitable drug transaction.
CAT THE GAMBLER
Cat at a dog track cheering on the race.
OWEN THE COMMANDER - PART II
With lights dimmed and an illuminated overhead projector on,

Owen repeatedly slams a long “pointer” into a map of the
United States, always striking the Long Island area.
Everyone else is seated, taking notes.
105.
OWEN THE EATER
Owen and an overweight woman feeding each other. They smile

at one another as food drips from their mouths.
HEMP THE TIMID
Hemp and Owen are in the backyard in tight spandex track

outfits. Hemp begins jogging in place with his pole in hand.
He stops, throws the pole down and runs off. Owen wears a
disgusted look on his face.
OWEN THE COMMANDER - PART III
Owen fielding questions.
The music fades, the montage ends. We hear “chatter” growing

louder. Owen’s voice rises to the forefront as “real time”
once again begins.
OWEN
... I can’t stress it enough. I’ve
said it time and time again... OK,
are there any other questions,
because now is the time to ask.
Everybody knows their
assignment?... Frank?
FRANK
(in a military tone)
My assignment is; I am Hemp’s body
double. I am in charge of
confusion and discombobulation of
the enemy.
OWEN
Cat?
CAT
My job is refreshment and hydration
supervision.
OWEN
(nodding in approval)
Excellent answer... Gentlemen,
tomorrow, like every other day, we
make history.
FADE OUT.
106.
INT. AQUARIUM - OUTSIDE DR. HOLLAND’S OFFICE
Atlantis, with her lab coat and glasses on, peeks her head
into Dr. Holland’s office as she knocks.
ATLANTIS
Sebastian, are you here? I need to
borrow your computer...
She notices no one is there as she looks at her watch. She

enters the office and goes to sit behind his computer, but as
she pulls the chair out, she knocks over a nearby box to the
floor. A framed photo falls and breaks with the box. She
picks up the now broken wood frame holding it together. The
photo is of Dr. Holland and Atlantis smiling arm in arm.
Atlantis smiles warmly at the memory. Attempting to fix the
frame, she notices the photo is creased. She unfolds the
rest of the picture revealing the Polargator who has a big,
black “X” over his face. With a concerned look, she filters
through the fallen box. Video tapes labeled: “Shark Attacks
‘88, ‘91, ‘96” are discovered. She picks out a video tape
that is buried deep in the box. It is labeled: “Plinko”.
ATLANTIS
Plinko?
She inserts the tape into the nearby VCR/TV. The tape
starts.
CUT TO:
A close-up of Dr. Holland, wearing the “warm-up” suit,

adjusting the security camera.
CUT TO:
INT. DR. HOLLAND’S OFFICE - FAVORING THE DOORWAY
Dr. Holland’s young assistant enters the office blindly as he

reaches into a brown paper bag.
YOUNG MAN
(looking up)
Here’s your reuben sir...
107.
He stares at Atlantis, at the TV screen, and then back at

Atlantis. After an uncomfortable pause, he turns and runs
out of the office. Atlantis turns back to the television.
CUT TO:
Dr. Holland puts on the ski mask, urinates in the pool, and
pole-vaults over the diving board. The same video as before,
but with the truthful, evidence rich beginning.
ATLANTIS
(whispering to herself)
Son of a gun. Hemp didn’t do it...
Son of a gun.
CUT TO:
CLOSE SHOT - DR. HOLLAND STANDING IN THE DOORWAY
Dr. Holland calmly leaning in the doorway, loosely holding a

hand-gun.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Try son of a bitch.
Atlantis turns to him.
ATLANTIS
(in a frightened tone)
Sebastian, you don’t have to do
this. I always liked you.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
(in an agitated tone)
Always liked me huh?! More than
Plinko? Huh! More than Hemp?!
More than your beloved, unfunded
Polargator?!!!... Oh I’m so sorry
my dear, but didn’t you hear they
cut all his funding, bye-bye, so
long. I guess he’ll just have to
go out into the wild all by
himself. Fool probably won’t last
a week... And as for you, you’re
coming with me.
ATLANTIS
Where?
108.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
To my homeland, to be my wife, to
meet mother... Now move it!!!
CUT TO:
EXT. A PAVED LOT - DAY
The group: Hemp, Fella, Owen, Frank, and Cat slowly and
confidently walk towards the “screen”. Cat is dressed in the
full bunny outfit. They come to an abrupt stop.
CUT TO:
EXT. REVERSE ANGLE - CONTINUOUS
The group is standing in front of a fourteen foot high chain

linked fence with barbed wire strewn across the top. In the
distance, behind the fence, the aquarium is visible.
FELLA
(turning to Cat)
You had to wear the entire get-up
didn’t you?
Cat turns his bunny head and stares at Fella in silence.
FELLA
It doesn’t give you super-powers...
You are aware of this?
HEMP
(to Owen and the group)
OK, we’re here... You didn’t say
anything about a fence... Did you
guys know anything about a fence?
FRANK
No, I was never told about a fence.
Small talk about the fence is heard, as Owen silently studies

this latest obstacle.
OWEN
I’ll take care of the fence.
Owen pulls out a large pair of wooden handled, V - shaped

wire cutters and puts the blades around a link of fence.
109.
FRANK
(touching Owen’s shoulder)
You do realize that this is
officially illegal?
OWEN
(looking back at Frank)
Frank, we’re here to break rules,
not make them.
Simultaneously, Owen cuts into the fence. A whaling alarm

immediately sounds as the group looks on with shocked faces.
0WEN
(dropping the cutters)
Oh shit.
Owen rips his cell-phone off of his belt and begins screaming
into it.
OWEN
(using the walkie-talkie
feature)
Scramble! I repeat, scramble!
Meet me at the rendezvous point!
Everyone reaches for their cell-phones and intently listens

to the distress call from Owen. In a panicked mode, everyone
takes off in different directions. Cat puts his phone up to
his bunny ear, but drops it to the ground. In a frenzy, he
bends down to pick up the phone, but instead rams his head
into the fence. Trying to right himself, he picks his head
back up, but the impact has twisted the bunny head to the
side. His fallen cell-phone is heard.
OWEN (V.O.)
(over cell-phone)
Scramble! Scramble!
Cat runs full speed in a semi-circle and slams back into the
fence, sending him flying back. He stands up spins around
and runs directly at the “screen”.
CAT
(screaming)
There was no fence in the plans!!!
CUT TO:
110.
EXT. - AQUARIUM - DAY
Hemp rounds a corner outside the aquarium. He covers his

face with a brochure as security guards run passed him.
Alone, he slips into a side door entering the aquarium.
CUT TO:
INT. - MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT
The group minus Hemp are in line at McDonald’s.
FELLA
(fixing Cat’s bunny head)
Let me get this for you.
After being straightened, Cat pulls the head off and smiles.
FRANK
Whose idea was it to meet here
anyway?
CUT TO:
INT. MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT - NEAR CASHIER
OWEN
... And I’ll take a number three.
CASHIER
Super-sized?
OWEN
You know of another size?
CUT TO:
INT. AQUARIUM - A HALLWAY
The alarm still blares as Hemp tip-toes around the evacuated,

dark aquarium. He smacks his nose on a crystal clear glass
tank. A shark slithers by the glass as he jumps back
terrified. From the shadows, footsteps are heard. Tourin,
the custodian, emerges and puts his arm on Hemp’s shoulder.
Hemp, still scared, turns to punch whomever, but holds back
when he realizes who it is.

I knew you’d come back.
111.
HEMP
Oh... You could help me.
Tourin puts his finger into Hemp’s chest and bends at the
knee.
TOURIN
(bending down)
And you could help me.
CUT TO:
INT. MCDONALD’S RESTAURANT - NEAR CASHIER
Owen is standing waiting for his order. He notices an

attractive, but overweight woman standing to his right who
looks depressed. He slowly approaches her.
OWEN
You appear distressed...
She shrugs her shoulders.
OWEN
(nodding his head)
... They have taken away the
“McRib”... Limited time, limited
time.
Owen comforts her with a hug when his cell-phone sounds.
HEMP (V.O.)
(over the cell-phone)
Owen, come in, are you there? It’s
Hemp.
OWEN
(into his cell-phone)
Code names dude! Use the code
names.
A slight pause.
HEMP (V.O.)
Come in Injured Flamingo, this is
Overflowing River.
OWEN
Go ahead River, Flamingo here.
112.
HEMP (V.O.)
It’s Dr. Holland, he’s got Atlantis
and he’s trying to escape with her
on the EM50-B. Grab the rest of
the team and meet me at the docks
behind the aquarium. River out.
OWEN
Roger River, over and out.
Owen puts his cell phone to his side. He pinches the

overweight woman by her cheek and shakes it furiously.
OWEN
Too bad kiddo, we coulda split a
twenty piece.
She pouts as Owen proudly turns his head and faces the group.
OWEN
(to the group)
Gentlemen.
Cat releases a pair of dice against the wall. Fella

immediately grabs a hundred dollar bill out of Cat’s hands.
FELLA
Go fuck yourself douche-bag!
OWEN
(exiting McDonald’s)
Still in it... Still in it!!!
Cat staring ahead, seriously, slowly lowers the bunny head on

to his head.
CUT TO:
EXT. BACK OF AQUARIUM - DOCK AREA - DAY
Hemp is sprinting down a wooden dock. He comes to a

screeching halt as he almost falls into the water. Sharks
circle in the water below as a boat, the EM50-B, slowly
escapes. On the boat, Dr. Holland holds Atlantis at gun
point as he laughs at Hemp. Atlantis screams for Hemp’s
help. He looks left and right and notices a shore man using
a long metal pole to scrape barnacles off a nearby boat. He
snatches the pole from the shore man.
SHORE MAN
Hey!!!
113.
Hemp runs back down the dock giving himself room. Appearing
and faintly glowing in front of Hemp, the great-grandfather’s
head, the grandfather, and Hemp’s dad.
GREAT GRANDFATHER’S “SPIRIT”

You’re a Stevens.
GRANDFATHER’S “SPIRIT”
Make us proud.
HEMP’S DAD’S “SPIRIT”

And up again.
Hemp nodding, rests the pole on his shoulder and starts his
pre-jump ritual.
HEMP
(circling his hands)
Whuuumpph... Whuuumpph...
ATLANTIS (V.O.)
(screaming)
Hemp!... Hemp!!!
HEMP
Fuck this, no time.
Hemp begins his run down the dock gaining speed as he goes.
He plants the metal rod and takes off soaring over the
circling sharks. As he is parallel to the water, the same
small Chinese man from Barcelona pops out from below the deck
of the boat and snaps another photo of Hemp. In slow motion,
Hemp covers his genitalia with one hand.
HEMP
(covering himself)
Nooooooo!!!
As Hemp lands, he simultaneously kicks a shocked Dr. Holland

square in the chest sending him backwards as he releases
Atlantis. Dr. Holland almost falls into the shark infested
waters, but regains his balance. Smiling and laughing with a
deranged look on his face, he fires a shot wildly which
grazes Hemp’s shoulder.
HEMP
(screaming in pain)
You dick!!!... Fuck!!!
Atlantis comforts Hemp as Dr. Holland re-aims his gun.

114.
ATLANTIS
(crying)
Sebastian don’t do this!
He gazes coldly at the two of them.
DOCTOR HOLLAND
Say good-bye love birds.
He squints his eyes and aims his gun. Looking up quickly,

Dr. Holland is struck hard in the chest by a fuzzy, pink,
bunny head. His arms wrap around the bunny head as the
momentum sends him over the side of the boat. He screams as
he plummets to the water.
CUT TO:
EXT. END OF THE DOCKS - CONTINUOUS
Fella, Frank, Cat, and Owen are celebrating at the end of the
dock. Cat is in the bunny suit, minus the head, and Owen has
Copper the fish, hanging around his neck.
CAT
Yeoooooowww! Fuck you douche-bag!
Cat snatches a hundred dollar bill from Fella’s hand as they

all continue to celebrate.
CUT TO:
EXT. EDGE OF THE BOAT AND SURROUNDING WATER - CONTINUOUS
Dr. Holland flounders in the water as he is mauled by sharks.

Hemp and Atlantis look on at the edge of the boat. Dr.
Holland stares at Hemp and nods his head in an upward motion.
Hemp nods back, turns and grabs a clip-board hanging nearby
and hands it to Dr. Holland. He quickly writes something and
hands it back to Hemp.
CUT TO:
INSERT - CLIP-BOARD
The shark attack statistician logo, same as the biannual

ball, sits in the top right corner. The paper reads:
“SHARK ATTACKS TODAY - 1”, and is signed by Dr. Holland. As
Hemp lowers the clip-board, Dr. Holland’s flailing body is in
the same position as the shark attack logo. Dr. Holland is
then pulled under by the sharks. The moment ends.
115.
ATLANTIS
Hemp, are you OK?
HEMP
(holding his shoulder)
Yeah... Actually, I’m great.
They stare at one another.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE DECK OF THE BOAT - MOMENTS LATER
Every character from the entire movie are partying on the

EM50-B. The geeks from the short film festival, Guy the
owner of “ONCE TOUCHED”, etc. The sun shines down on the
boat as everyone wears a smile. Owen pours Copper into a
giant fish tank. Fella sells a bag of weed to Doctor
Stephandu Duprima. Frank walks by video taping everyone.
FRANK
This is going to be a great movie.
Owen feeds the overweight woman from McDonald’s a McNugget,

she giggles and Eskimo kisses him.
OWEN
I got Eskimo pie!!!
The Polargator sadly walks off to the side of the boat.

Suddenly, he pulls a female Polargator over the side of the
boat. She wears a pink bow.
CUT TO:
EXT. OVERHEAD ANGLE OF THE BOAT - CONTINUOUS
Cat dances in the bunny suit, with a hundred dollar bill and
a corona in hand.
CAT
Unbelievable... Unbelievable!!!
CUT TO:
EXT. BOW OF BOAT - MOMENTS LATER
Hemp and Atlantis stare into each other’s eyes. They begin
to kiss and laugh holding one another tightly.
116.
Plinko the dolphin hops out of the water making the excited
“clicking” noises. Hemp looks over his shoulder with a
terrified look on his face as Atlantis laughs.
FREEZE FRAME:
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
HEMP STEVENS

Hemp Stevens Final Cut I

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(HEMP STEVENS)

Name (of company, if applicable)

EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM BARCELONA, SPAIN 1992 - DAY

A cloudless day, a packed Olympic stadium is anxious with

INT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS

A young, well built man with a military haircut is leaning

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.)

OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS

Hemp squints his eyes and peers forward, breathing deeply.

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 2 - LLYOD (V.O.)

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

A young black kid runs and pole-vaults over the outstretched

As the fathers look on and nod in agreement, Hemp gives the

INT. ANNOUNCERS’ BOOTH OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS

Two television announcers adorned with puffy orange

EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS

A MOVING SHOT CIRCLING HEMP’S HEAD

Olympians crowd the side lines as the enormity of the crowd

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 2 - LLYOD (V.O.)

With his pole resting on his shoulder, Hemp quickly raises

They mimic Hemp’s every move.

SECTION OF THE CROWD

AN OVERHEAD BLIMP’S POV

Olympic Stadium is packed. The sounds of the

TIMES SQUARE - NYC

A tremendous crowd is gathered. Thousands of people watch

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.)

EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE SHOT - HEMP

He completes his last rotation as we hear the crowd applaud.

NEW ANGLE - WIDER SHOT

The crowd is visibly “going nuts” but all we hear is Hemp’s

NEW ANGLE - STATIONARY SHOT BEHIND HEMP

In full speed now with the noise level deafening, Hemp

NEW ANGLE - SIDE VIEW OF BAR

Hemp’s body is completely parallel to the earth below.

CLOSE SHOT - SECTION OF THE CROWD

A small Chinese man wearing a bright yellow rain slicker

PREVIOUS ANGLE - SIDE VIEW OF BAR

THE U.S. TRACK TEAM

Jumping up and down, embracing, running towards Hemp.

SECTION OF THE CROWD

Everyone is cheering and screaming.

AN OVERHEAD BLIMP’S POV

The entire stadium is erupting with energy.

TIME SQUARE - NYC

New Yorkers embracing and cheering as they watch a slow-

EXT. OLYMPIC STADIUM - CONTINUOUS

Hemp begins to celebrate as he gets back to his feet. He is

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 2 - LLOYD (V.O.)

ANNOUNCER 1 - GIGGS (V.O.)

Hemp is hoisted up by his teammates and draped in an American

THE SCREEN READS: HEMP STEVENS

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING, PRESENT DAY

SLOW MOVING SHOT

An unkempt bedroom. A half naked man is asleep. The walls