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RIP *sadface*

Celebrity grief tweets

Stewart Lee
Rekebahs poetic texts

Mastectomies
Cancer risk dilemma

Private Lives
Ive never been kissed

Enonomics
Brian meets Ha-Joon Chang

Monday 12.11.12

I dont want to be mayor of London


Thank God, says Decca Aitkenhead, after an audience with Sebastian Coe

12A

Shortcuts
Dunn RIP Clive ll the a thanks for oyment nj hours of e g Dads watchin Army

Eulogies

Reaping the Celebrity Death Twitter Harvest

t is often suggested that the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, altered the nature of collective grief, rendering it suddenly acceptable to line the streets, send owers and, most importantly, weep publicly at the death of someone you did not actually know. Fifteen years on, and nowhere is collective grief more manifest than on Twitter, where the announcement of the passing of any well-known name is met by a urry of re-tweets, hashtags and sadface emoticons. Of course, the nature of reporting and the internet has shifted substantially; not only have audiences displayed an insatiable appetite for celebrity tittle-tattle, but Twitter has come to be regarded as an important tool for newsgathering and audience engagement. And so, in a phenomenon I call the Celebrity Death Twitter Harvest, a contenthungry media increasingly feasts on a glut of related tweets. Consider the case of Clive Dunn, who died last week aged 92. Naturally, the death of such a cult gure

So sad to hear about Terry Nutkins. What an absolute icon

Omg noooo way my idol ay whitney noo wk omg big shoc

prompted a huge response, and soon we were treated to Twitter eulogies by such stars as Tony Parsons, Martin Kemp of Spandau Ballet and Elizabeth Hurley, in whose contribution RIP Clive Dunn thanks for all the hours of enjoyment watching Dads Army one likes to believe she was honouring not only enjoyment, but

also the actors inspiration for her forays into acting and swimwear. The death of Coronation Streets Bill Tarmey on Friday brought more of the same. Few publications are immune from reaping the celebrity Twitter grief. On the death of Terry Nutkins earlier this year, even the Guardian quoted comedian Ricky

Gervais and Radio 1 DJ Greg James, neither of whom I believe to have been particular acquaintances of Nutkins, or, indeed, luminaries in the wildlife-broadcasting world. Unless we count Flanimals. This year we have encountered the high-prole passings of Neil Armstrong, Tony Scott and Hal David, and naturally the coverage that followed them often drew on celebrity tweets (Everyone should go outside and look at the moon tonight and give a thought to Neil Armstrong, ordered McFlys Tom Fletcher). But few could match the response that greeted the death of Whitney Houston in February. Along with tributes from the music industry, some publications cast their nets a little wider for the condolences of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, not to mention what we assume to be the griefaddled ruminations of Katie Price: Omg noooo way my idol whitney noo way omg big shock. Your music made impact to my life. The only possible defence for all this celebrity Twitter-quoting is that it helps take the temperature of our collective grief. So lets leave the last word to footballerin-mourning Wayne Rooney: Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. I grew up listening to whitney. So everyone asking why im tweeting about her. Show some respect. Laura Barton

Psychology

Nadine Dorries and the power of humiliation

ast week, in a Guardian comment piece, Louise Mensch admonished Nadine Dorries for appearing on Im a Celebrity Get me Out of Here! Eating grubs and performing humiliating tasks on air are not consistent with being an MP, she said. Dorries is no stranger to humili-

ation. After Cameron said to her in a Commons debate on abortion, I know the honourable lady is rable extremely frustrated , ed to gales of laughter, she wrote a furious piece in ce the Daily Mail headlined dlined The PM publicly humiliated me in front of the entire nation. What t did I do to deserve that? Presumably, she will nd eating kangaroos anuses less mortifying or at least better paid. According to Dr Linda Hartling at Human u a

Dignity and Humiliation Studies, a network of academics and activists studying humiliation activis in an attempt to eradicate it, there are two types: injury th to honour, and injury to t dignity. The rst is experidig enced by elites, in the way b aristocrats would defend their aristocr honour in duels. When hono Cameron was described Cam as humiliated on the front of three newspapers fr after rebel MPs voted to cut the EU budget, it was his authority that was damaged rather than his dam dignity as a human being. dign d gn

Shorter cuts
2 The Guardian 12.11.12

Hope-less
Should we call time on shonky Shephard Fairey pastiches? Yes, if Currys new press ads, featuring a less-than-iconic customer-service drone, are anything to go by.

Super hands
This cool, Terminatorstyle prosthetic has been developed by a British company. The BeBionic3 hand can apparently grip a beer and gently hold an egg.

Dont even thin k about eating my liver, posh boy!


Etiquette

How to avoid eating raw stags liver

Pass notes No 3,279 Charles Darwin


Age: 73, when he died in 1882. Appearance: Down-on-his-luck department store Santa. Profession: English naturalist, author of On the Origin of Species, developer of the theory of natural selection, congressional also-ran. Also-ran? Darwin once came second in an election for a seat in the US House of Representatives. I never knew that. When did this happen? Last week. But hes dead! He wasnt alone there. A dead man was elected to the Texas senate last Tuesday. Another dead guy was voted city council president of Rochester, Minnesota, and yet another won a seat on a county commission in Alabama. OK but hes not even an American citizen. He wasnt on the ballot either. Nevertheless, Charles Darwin received more than 4,000 write-in votes in Athens-Clark County, Georgia. The numbers from the other 24 counties in the 10th congressional district were not available at the time of writing. Could he still win? Its unlikely. The incumbent, Republican Paul Broun, received more than 209,000 votes. And the Democrat? Broun was running unopposed. The write-in campaign was sort of a protest. But why Darwin? It has to do with a speech Broun gave to a church group in September in which he denounced both evolution and the big bang theory, as lies straight from the pit of hell. So he credits Satan with the theory of natural selection? He also said he believed the Earth is 9,000 years old, and was created in six literal days. Perhaps his remarks were misinterpreted. Theres a video of him saying it, standing in front of a wall of mounted deer heads. Ive said it before that America is one crazy place. It gets worse Broun is a qualied doctor, a climate-change denier and a member of the House committee on science, space and technology. Do say: Its shameful that in this day and age such a politician even exists. Dont say: Poor show, Darwin. In America, being dead is no excuse for being second best. de

ow tiresomely awkward life can sometimes be for David Cameron. In this weeks Spectator, the pro-torture hardline Conservative Bruce Anderson tells of how, in 1998, he was at a shooting-party dinner in Scotland with Cameron at which an almost-rare stags liver was served as a delicacy. There were some wetties who were put o by the sight, writes Anderson. Among their number, I regret to say, was the present prime minister. Afterwards, he confessed to a crime which he had not committed since prep school. To hide his failure to eat the liver, he had concealed it under some rabbitfood garnish. Its hard to know what Anderson nds most oensive: Camerons reluctance to eat the still-bleeding organ of an animal killed a few hours earlier, or the fact that he wasnt even man enough to admit he didnt like it. The shame, the shame of trying to hide his wimpishness.

And under a bit of veggie-lettuceforage at that! Call Me Dave, though, is less likely to be squirming at having his table manners exposed than at being reminded of his hunting, shooting and shing privileged background. But since his intimes are so keen to remind us of his holiday adventures and we are all so very clearly in this together, now does seem a good moment to clarify these important points of etiquette. Should you a) tell your hostess that you dont like fresh stag liver; b) hide it under a lettuce leaf; or c) leave it in plain sight on your plate? Answers please John Crace

IN NUMBERS

$713.4bn
Total net worth of the top 20 individuals on Bloombergs latest global rich list

It would have been more hurtful if, say, his trousers had fallen down in the House of Commons. In suggesting she was sexually frustrated, Cameron inicted this kind of humiliation on Dorries, made much worse by their respective positions in the pecking order. In dignity contexts, feelings of humiliation are triggered in the downtrodden, those who formerly were expected to bow in subservience, says Hartling. There is no mystery about why we enjoy seeing public gures humbled its good old-fashioned schadenfreude, perhaps to stop us from worrying about our own

feelings of abasement. There may be a sexual element too. The success of Fifty Shades of Grey suggests the number of people who get a thrill out of it may be higher than previously assumed. Humiliation can have an incendiary power, says Hartling, who believes it has prompted some of the most violent protests of the past 15 years, citing the riots that swept the Middle East in September after an anti-Muslim video was posted on YouTube. Our research suggests that when anyone is humiliated, all of us are diminished in some way, she says. Alex Needham

COVER DAVID LEVENE FOR THE GUARDIAN

Walk in the park


UK hipsters have long envied New Yorks Highline, a public park along an elevated former railway line. Will the London equivalent measure up? A linear park within the Nine Elms development has just been given the planning nod.

Sun-dazed
Jermaine Jackson is changing ging his name to Jermaine Jacksun. You cannot blame me this one on the boogie, a friend told reporters, Youve got to blame it on n the sunshine. Er, right.

Paging Paris Hilton


At 7cm tall and 12cm long, Meysi, a terrier crossbreed from Poland, is on track to be named the worlds smallest dog. She needs to be one year old to qualify for the record and at four months, shes not expected to grow much more.

12.11.12 The Guardian 3

Stewart Lee
Who can doubt the linguistic and literary merits of the texts between Brooks and Cameron? Theyre pure Shakespeare

here has been much inappropriate, salacious, and opportunistic speculation about the exact nature of the withheld communications between the former News International redhead Rebekah Brooks and the current Conservative party brownhead David Cameron, much of it in extremely dubious taste. I doubt, for example, whether the self-styled grand inquisitor Tom Watson MP would be pleased were someone to make public all his private business messages to the gravy girls at his local branch of The Gourmet Meat Pie Emporium! But unlike Watson, my main interest in the Brooks-Cameron messages is not political, or prurient, but linguistic and literary. Admittedly, it is possible that, were the full texts of the pairs missives to be brought to light, public condence in Cameron would be destroyed for ever and the government would collapse, leaving a gaping power vacuum into which Ed Miliband might nd himself tumbling, with all the undeniable historical impact of a damp sock falling into a deep trench latrine. But for me, what posterity will choose to preserve from the dialogues is Brookss response to Camerons 2009 Conservative party conference pep talk: Brilliant illiant speech. I cried twice. Will love working together. her. The pellucid message fascinates, dazzling in its mystery, possessed of a bluntly opaque poetry, try, and will continue to resonate long after the star-crossd pair themselves have completed d their fearful passage, and death lies upon them em like an untimely frost. Consider. Brookss unusual use of apostrophes, rather than quotation marks, around the words working together appears to suggest that Brookss idea of her and Cameron working together has some entirely dierent and privately understood meaning from the normal idea of working together. Would italics have helped? Could Brooks and Cameron have been planning to be working together? Or were they going to be working together? Or, worse still, working together? Perhaps the much-quoted phrase from the e duos original communique cache, country supper, as in I do understand the issue with th the Times. Lets discuss over a country supper er soon, should also have had apostrophes around ound it, or have been in italics? Would Lets discuss uss over a country supper soon have done more, re, or less, to iname the suspicions of Watsons s puritanical leftwing cabal? Its presumably deliberate echoes of Hamlets lecherous pursuit suit of country matters would certainly not be lost on the Eton-educated Cameron. Rhythmically lly and dramatically, the substitution is almost too perfect.

Brooks cried twice. The utopian dream of Camerons Privilege for All overcame her a second time

PHOTOGRAPH AFP/GETTY IMAGES

Hamlet : Lady, shall I lie in your lap? Ophelia : No, my lord. Hamlet : I mean my head upon your lap. Ophelia : Aye, my lord. Hamlet : Or did you think I meant country suppers? (Hamlet, Act III, Sc ii) Elsewhere in the messages nine words, Brooks brilliantly and economically evokes the idea of the uncontrolled emotion Camerons egalitarian political vision inspires in her. I cried twice. Twice! Brooks cried twice. The weeping did not begin and then eventually subside, like the snotty bawling of a young foolish girl attending a Russell Brand gig, or ociating the back-garden shoebox funeral of a beloved hamster. No. The weeping began, was contained by sheer force of will, and then the undeniable power of Camerons crazy utopian dream of Privilege For All overcame Brooks a second time, like an enormous yes. Make no mistake, Brooks seems to say, this was not some easily won epiphany, like the gut animal reaction to cheap music or cheap perfume, but the unwanted outcome of a struggle for selfcontrol that failed, against Brookss will, and then con failed fail again. It was a Fifty Shades of Grey-style tussle with unbidden idealistic desires, that nonetus theless found their way to the heroines unwilling the and wounded heart. If I might be so bold, the sentiment could only have been more dramatic had tim Brooks expressed it thus: I cried. Twice. But Bro journalists are trained to write in sentences. jou Cameron knows this. And so does Brooks. And An for Brooks to break so boldly a xed professional and grammatical law would perhaps have sio betrayed the pair far more convincingly that any be amount of clanking innuendo about the riding of am disobedient horses. di Time passes. We drive our carts and our plows over the bones of the dead. Leveson p recedes into the memory fog. Now Savile looms r aloft like Whitby Dracula newly transported in a Transylvanian con dust, and other gures take shape in the mist, drawing the eye from country suppers. The air changes to soundless damage. Cameron will leave no legacy, and d Brooks will be a stain upon the saddle of times Bro swift stallion, no more. But choice phrases often sw linger long after the names of those who uttered ling them are forgotten: Its black over Bills mothers; the Oh! Oh! Mr Peevly! Mr Peevly!; Thats you that Oh is; and the immortal I cried twice. Brooks is words will ring down the ages, divorced from the wo speaker and her addressee, but emblazoned as spe the new gold standard of emotional veracity. The News of the World is gone and the coalition will New collapse. What will survive of us is love. col Stewart Lees DVD Carpet Remnant World is Ste released today rele

12.11.12 The Guardian 5

Decca Aitkenhead meets Sebastian Coe

I think Im probably just an old-fashioned Tory


L
ord Coe was 14 when he gave his rst interview. Its an awful thought, he grins, pretending to shudder, but Ive probably been interviewed on a regular basis for 42 years. Communication has become, he says, the single most important part of his job. Its about being able to create a vision and talk about it. The biggest fragility in a project is often just the inability to be able to explain to people why you are doing it, and when youre going to do it, and whats going to happen. Hes right, of course, and as the London Olympics were such a hit, you would think that he must be a brilliant communicator. I did until I picked up his autobiography. Seldom can a memoir have revealed less about its author or less of what anyone might actually want to know, anyway. If the interminable minutiae of obscure athletics meetings is your thing, then, to be fair, Running My Life may be for you. But if you are curious to know what Sebastian Coe was like as a child, what athletics meant to him, how he felt about his arch rival Steve Ovett, why he went into politics, or what it felt like to be in charge of the Olympics, it will leave you none the wiser. The pages are bleached of all emotional meaning, and how the author got through them all without boring himself to death is a mystery. Like me, you might conclude that he has to be much more illuminating in person. If so, you would be wrong. Coe is perfectly pleasant aable, polite, professional and gives no indication of deliberately trying to say nothing. On the contrary, he digests each question with quiet relish, before launching into probably the longest answers I have ever come across. More than once, I catch myself starting to nod o, and have a panicky moment trying to work out what I have missed, but he is too busy droning on to notice. It is like a rare form of conversational colour-blindness. Oered a choice between saying something diverting or something dreary, Coe plumps unerringly for the latter, at great length. It is as if he were set on trying to libuster his own interview. The odd thing is that, having had not one but three incredible careers, Coe ought to be riveting. In 1979, the young middle-distance runner broke three world records in just 41 days, becoming the poster boy of British athletics in the 80s, electrifying the Moscow and LA Olympics with his rivalry with Ovett. After retiring from athletics at 34, Coe was immediately selected to stand as a Tory MP, serving one parliamentary term, latterly as a whip, before losing his seat in 1997, only to be appointed William Hagues chief of sta. Hagues 2001 defeat brought Coes party political career to a close, but within months he was working for the Labour government, advising on Londons Olympic bid. The bid still wasnt looking too promising in 2004, when Coe became Locogs chairman. Eight years on, he is a national hero, rightly feted for a historic triumph that took the whole world by surprise. By anyones standards, his achievements are astonishing. I always remember the 10th of September being the rst morning, virtually in a decade,

Im only really beginning to understand what the Games meant for people

Im a great believer in big events attracting big names and role models Photograph by David Levene for the Guardian

6 The Guardian 12.11.12

12.11.12 The Guardian 7

Coe, aged 14, wins the Sheeld City Championships; (right) with three of his children, after receiving a knighthood in May 2006, and congratulating gold medallist Jessica Ennis at the London Games

I woke up without thinking of winning a bid or delivering a game. Crucially, Im not waking up each morning thinking: Oh my God, Ive got security transports, licence agreements, the work over what the customer experience is going to be like, whether the coee is going to be any good in the Olympic village youre not in that mindset. It is very similar to nishing a four-year competitive cycle. When Coe used to compete, he was too absorbed in winning races to have any idea what the Games meant beyond the stadium. Its only when you get home and back into the sort of normal day-to-day stu, that people stop you in the street and say: Wasnt that unbelievable? Im in that sort of phase now where Im only really beginning to understand what the Games meant for people who come up to me and it happens a lot, a lot. People do come up and they just say, It was extraordinary and Thank you to your teams. A guy this morning a guy in a taxi he said: I went to the Games. We got four tickets in the mens 100 metres. We were really lucky. But then he said: Do you know something? If Im being honest, I preferred the Paralympic dressage. These are the conversations Ive had and theyre lovely conversations and they just help paint a bit more of a picture, because at Games time youre thinking about nothing other than the

next challenge, the next message about a team that didnt quite feel that the carrots were cooked properly in the Olympic village. So the past few weeks has been a sort of I suppose its the right word, really its been a sort of recollection by osmosis. People are painting the picture that you didnt really see at the Games, and its exactly the same as being a competitor. Coe is still working full-time on the Olympics, overseeing legacy projects. I ask if we will ever know if the Games economic legacy repaid their astronomical cost, but Coe doesnt measure success in terms of balance sheets. Im a great believer in big events attracting big names and role models, and I think young people tend to take up sport because of what they witness at that level, rather than nationally endorsed projects saying: Unless you all start running three times a week youre going to drop dead with a heart attack at the age of 40. I dont think

The truth is that I didnt really know Ovett. But I like him. Hes a really good guy

those work. I will go to my grave believing that participation is best driven by the well-stocked shop window. I got involved with this project 10 years ago because I could not see a better opportunity in my lifetime for creating a step change in the way sport is delivered, in the way young people see sport, and in the way people could engage with the disability agenda. Coe has been politically active since his time at Loughborough University, where he joined the Young Conservatives, but Im still not clear about his ideological motivation. What exactly does he believe in? He looks a little surprised. I think Im probably just an old-fashioned Tory. I dont wake up each morning trying to gure out what kind of Conservative I am; for me its quite instinctive. I actually dont believe in big government and half the time Im never quite sure I believe in government, generally. But without government, I say, we wouldnt have had the Olympics. No, that is true. That is true. By now you may well be thinking he doesnt sound all that dull. But these few nuggets are as good as it gets. To demonstrate just what a crashing bore he is, I would have to quote all the acres of tedium from which they were salvaged, running the risk of sending every reader to sleep. We owe Coe a national debt of gratitude for pulling o an Olympic games beyond our wildest dreams, but how he did it I do not know, because his leadership qualities are dicult to spot. Clearly theyve got to be hiding in there somewhere, or London 2012 would not have happened so instead I try reading between the lines, see if I can work out what hes like from all the things he neglects to mention. Coe was born in 1956, one of four children. His mother was a glamorous half-Indian actor, and his father was a highly intelligent working-class engineer. His fathers work took the family all over the country until eventually they settled in Sheeld, where Coes athletic promise quickly began to dene his adolescence. Applying the principles of engineering to the new discipline of athletics, Coes father became his coach, mentor, psychologist and nutritionist the dominant force in his sons life. He is certainly the dominant presence in the autobiography, and the author has nothing but praise for his fathers dedication. At one point his father even got hold of eastern European training manuals and had them translated so he could work out exactly what his son was up against. He was ferociously clever, Coe recalls proudly. I mean ferociously

8 The Guardian 12.11.12

clever. He could cut through the ab of an argument and, in training terms, he spent ve or six years doing nothing else, other than understanding the nature of what it would take to get me to run two laps quicker than anyone else. But what was he like? Very much warmer than people thought. Coe has a maddening habit of alluding to criticisms or conicts without ever addressing them. As the book goes on, it becomes apparent that most of the athletics world, and much of the media, regarded his father as a bit of a tyrant a loner, arrogant and over-controlling. But we never nd out why, nor does Coe ever explain why they had got him wrong. Coes mother barely gets a mention, though there is a revealing line about watching her cheer him from the stands. Watching her son break a world record might go some way, I hoped, to make up for all shed put up with along the way. What did he mean? Well, she was a remarkable woman, and the great thing she did, at key moments, she did gently remind me that there is a little bit more to running two laps quicker than the next person. She was always a balancing inuence, and without wanting it to sound too managerial, the management of a family around one of her children not being able to eat until nine oclock most nights, travelling all the time well, of course, its a fairly selsh existence, so making sure my brother and sisters didnt feel neglected. They get even less of a look-in than his mum, so I ask if there was sibling resentment. Er, if youre being honest, probably. I think its human nature. What about Ovett? Right, Coe says, stiening slightly. The truth is that I didnt really know him. But I like him. Hes a really good guy. Yet Coe writes: Steve was playing up to his role of bad-boy in the devil-may-care way he nished his races, waving to the crowd or running across the track, adding unnecessary seconds to his time but endearing himself to the general public, who always love a maverick and slightly despise the boy with the clean handkerchief. He writes of beating Ovett in 1989: While I was being interviewed on air about exactly what had happened, Steve was trackside in emotional turmoil, saying: They got me here on false pretences and lied to a lot of other people. Upstaged to the end. In each passage, its the barbed payo line that says a lot about Coes true opinion of his charismatic rivals popularity. It is clear from the book that Coe thinks of himself as decent, unassuming, straightforward and hard-working an

old-fashioned gentleman to whom good manners matter more than gold medals. He volunteers little evidence to the contrary. Nevertheless, every now and then, rather reluctantly, he will mention odd things so incompatible with his self-image that you wonder how reliable it really is. For example, when Coe confounded sports reporters doubts by winning in LA in 1984, he turned to the press box, shook his st and screamed: Who says Im nished now? Where did that come from? He had never mentioned any fury towards the press. Likewise, he tells us about falling in love with Nicky McIrvine, an equestrian eventer, getting married and having four children together. Later, he explains their subsequent divorce as a casualty of Westminsters impossible working hours. Only much later, and almost by the bye, does he mention his extramarital aair. Even then he makes it sound pretty unimportant, when in fact it went on for a decade. He doesnt even mention his mothers death except as a belated afterthought. At various points in the book, he alludes to a widespread impression of Coe as arrogant, aloof and rather unlovable the Steve Davis of athletics. The public loved to see him win, but were less keen to fell in love

MAIN PHOTOGRAPH HODDER & STOUGHTON

with him, and I think I detect a faintly aggrieved sense that the world was never really on his side. No ... I dont think ... Coe hesitates and stutters. I think if you are quite single-minded about what you are doing ... Suddenly, he sounds defensive. Look, throughout my career I was always a member of an athletics club. I always trained and competed for an athletics club, even as a double-Olympic champion. I think its probably I think there are Not that I think it, being honest, not that it really bothers me. But I do think that people that are really focused probably give out those vibes when theyre not meaning to be aloof, but that its just what they do. When I was in a racing situation, it was the most important thing in my life. You train for 10 years, you run thousands of miles, you do take it quite seriously. The talk in political circles is now about Coe succeeding Boris Johnson as the next Tory candidate for mayor of London. He would be uniquely well qualied, of course but is he someone the capital could fall in love with? Like his father, he seems to have taken the principles of one discipline and applied them to another, and what he did with London 2012 was astonishing. But it doesnt necessarily make him very endearing. At moments I wonder whether Coe himself might be nding his new national treasure identity a bit uncomfortable. It is certainly unfamiliar. On the track, the peoples champion was always Ovett, never Coe; in politics, he represented his party through its darkest ever decade. And up until late July, popular attitudes towards the Olympics tended to range from ridicule to resentment. Now, all of a sudden, everyone loves him. So what will he do next? He will certainly be rich, having just sold his management company for 12m. He remarried last year, to Carole Annett, a journalist with House & Garden. Last week he was elected chair of the British Olympic Association, and he has hinted at one day becoming head of the International Association of Athletics Federations. But when I ask if he would make a good mayor of London, he is unequivocal. I dont want to be mayor. What a relief. Is he quite sure? I can tell you, that is the one exclusive you can write. I have no interest at all. Really? No.
Running My Life is published by Hodder & Stoughton, price 25. To order a copy for 16 with free UK p&p, go to guardian.co.uk/ bookshop or call 0330 333 6846

THE CV 1956 Born in London 1973 Becomes English Schools 3,000 metres champion 1980 Wins gold and silver medals at the Moscow Olympics 1984 Wins gold and silver medals at Los Angeles Olympics 1990 Marries Nicky McIrvine, with whom he has four children; retires from athletics 1992 Becomes a Tory MP 2000 Becomes a member of the House of Lords 2012 Delivers London Games and in November is elected British Olympic Association chairman
Sebastian Coe will be signing copies at branches of Waterstones this week. For more information see hodder.co.uk

12.11.12 The Guardian 9

ing Tipp oint p


an 1,000 There are more th in Britain, illegal waste sites pollution using widespread ca oples ruining nearby pe and doing re the authorities lives. A y reports nough? Jon Henle e

t was, Jan Bowdler says, one of the most miserable and upsetting experiences she has ever lived through. Only last year, when the man who had site been operating an illegal waste ly at the bottom of her garden nal ered to pleaded guilty and was ord inal repay more than 800,000 of crim over. prots, could she be sure it was , Bowdler It was a living nightmare , near says from her home in Colnbrook rt at Slough. Sometimes theyd sta arc lights 5.45am, on a Sunday. Massive ne shining into the windows, a cra Huge steel towering over the house. d shipping containers being droppe m one onto concrete, and dragged fro r. part of the yard to anothe dly Its a relatively recent but decide ty nasty business, waste crime: nas people for the environment, for the inesses aected, and for legitimate bus nces, that pay for waste-disposal lice ges permits and tipping fees. It ran to from small, individual operations involving large, complex networks multiple sites, companies and sometimes countries. iAnd it is a big, and growing bus nt ness: according to the Environme al report on waste Agencys rst nation were crime, published recently, there d and 1,175 illegal waste sites in Englan r. Wales as of March this yea Most deal in construction and gle demolition waste, the biggest sin sehold and category; others take hou

commercial, and end-of-life vehicles (what with the oil, the battery, the brake uid and the air-con, depolluting a dead car is expensive. Far cheaper, as the gang at the end of Bowdlers garden knew, to just reclaim the metal and dump the rest). Until quite late in the last century, of course, we barely cared about this at all. But a succession of laws the Deposit of Poisonous Wastes Act in 1972, the Control of Pollution Act two years later, and most signicantly the Environment Protection Act in 1990 have raised awareness and imposed increasingly tough restrictions on what we may dispose of, and how. These days, we devote 17m of public money a year to tackling waste crime. Those who commit it are united mostly by the prospect of quick, easy money and a frequently breathtaking disregard for the the law, the natural environment and their neighbours. One time, says Environmental Agency intelligence manager Peter Rutherford, picking his way gingerly across a muddy Derbyshire farmyard strewn with half-lled skips and trailers of fresh builders rubble, assorted electricals and a large number of empty bottles, we came down here, he was

We lived in fear of what they were burning. The smell was awful

him d hi . burning stu. Big bonre behind The he in question, a farmer waste with a long history in the illegal ford business, looks askance as Ruther ts and a colleague, in protective boo e and high-visibility jackets, pok h through the mountains of rubbis and take pictures. d, So we say, continues Rutherfor ? What are you burning there, Tim mean? We And he says, What do you says: say: The bonre, Tim. And he say: The one What bonre? And we and behind you. And he turns round ts the says, Blimey, who lit that? Tha y have a thing with these guys: the dont whole dierent attitude. They think the law applies to them. Rutherfords job boils down to He making sure the law does apply. nds: the farmer has and Tim are old frie been several previous convictions, has is banned from handling waste, and eek suspended currently serving a 51-w prison sentence. , Rutherford likes to drop in on him of uniformed accompanied by a couple re still police ocers, to show him we . The on his case. Disrupt his activities to come police are more than happy h Tim along; they want a quiet word wit into about something else. If youre s, its waste crime, as Rutherford say . rarely just waste crime youre into ut the money: It is all, obviously, abo saving it, for the waste producer;

10 The Guardian 12.11.12

im counts as a small but persistent operator; there are plenty bigger. Earlier this year, four waste bosses operating six illegal waste sites in Lancashire were sentenced to jail terms of up to 18 months. Agency sta and emergency workers had to wear protective suits and breathing apparatus to tackle chemical drums lled with acids, pharmaceutical vials, oil sludge, waste inks and crushed tablets, as well as 1,000litre containers marked carcinogenic contents. One large container marked, explosive on contact with water had been stored under a leaking roof. Equally barefaced was Carl Steele, the so-called million-tyre man, jailed for 15 months last year for dumping more than a million used tyres at sites across ve counties. Tyres are hard to recycle because they contain steel, but dumping them is dangerous: stockpiles can burn for years, and putting the re he out entails massive water pollution. Some waste crimes are just grueuesome. Rutherford last year helped cond vict a Derbyshire woman who had been ad illegally disposing of clinical waste and te dead pets. She was collecting animal mal bodies from local vets, burning them hem en masse, and in some cases presenting senting families with ashes they believed were d from their dogs. The remains were burre ied, badly, on land she was renting. ng. Progress is being made. Following a wing concerted, 17m campaign to target the get problem launched last last year and the formation of a special task force, of ce which Rutherford is a member some ome 760 illegal waste disposal sites have ve been dealt with in the past 12 months, nths,

making it, for the illegal operator. Broadly speaking, its at least 50% cheaper to get rid of stu illegally, says Rutherford. Here, a legitimate company will charge 180-200 per skip. The bad boys will be asking 100120, cash. You can see the temptation for the producer. Meanwhile, of course, people like Tim will be pocketing the 100; avoiding the costs of all the various permits, licences and taxes; burning the waste; pulling out any valuable scrap metal, and selling it. You rent the corner of a farmyard or a eld or an industrial unit, buy a few skips, and you start dumping. Its really very easy money.

either by shutting them down or on. ation. bringing them into legal operati ht ught 335 The agency has also bro successful prosecutions, includ e-scale waste ing 16 in which larg criminals were handed prison sentences, and the number and size of the nancial penalties imposed have multiplied: er 1.7m in nes last year, over 0, twice as much as in 201 while the biggest single ne trebled to 170,000. ts More than 2m of assets were also f ds of seized, often under the Procee handed Crime Act: the 800,000 order the site down to Amrik Johal, who ran , is at the bottom of Bowdlers garden the largest so far. d of This is part, says Mat Crocker, hea of a new illegals and waste at the agency, that is starting intelligence-led approach with to pay dividends: working closely ncies police and other government age ing standsuch as the tax oce, trad trol ards, vehicle licensing, border con keep and work and pensions both to ies and abreast of the criminals activit able make it increasingly uncomfort erent fronts, to for them, on several di keep operating illegally. But despite recent success, the sites in overall number of illegal waste the task Britain is barely falling. Partly, tly, force is identifying more, but par til now, Crocker says: New sites, up t as have been opening almost as fas sting ones down. weve been closing exi t and Waste crime remains a signican constantly evolving problem. hire Back in a rubbish-strewn Derbys multifarmyard, Rutherford agrees the like, agency strategy works well: Its been lookOh, thats interesting. Weve er really ing at that guy for years but nev g. Lets had enough on him to do anythin Rememsee what we can do together. or, he ber, Al Capone wasnt done for liqu was done for tax evasion.

But bringing a case to court is expensive, and time-consuming . Prosecuting Tim last year cost the Agency 22,000 for the investiga tion alone, regardless of legal fees: hun dreds of hours of surveillance and covert, long-lens photography of the site, 12 discs of pictures, great fat ring binders lled with evidence. And in the meantime, in the abs ence of a hard-to-obtain high court inju nction or stop order (or even if one is granted), many illegal sites sim ply continue to function. A comple x investigation and prosecution can run to three or four years, Rutherfor d says, as legally aware operators spin it out as long as possible. Even after a conviction, theres no guarantee they wont simply sta rt all over again. Tim did, days after he was released from prison. So these days, Rutherford says, he puts almost as much eort into education ma king sure waste producers know the y are obliged to ensure the rm they hire to dispose of their waste is ope rating legally as he does into investiga tion. The criminals, he says, will kee p going; its what they do. Well kee p trying to stop them; thats what we do. But cutting o the supply may in the end be the most eective way of dealing with this.

12.11.12 The Guardian 11

Health

or Sharon Osbourne it was a no-brainer to have her breasts removed in order to reduce her risk of getting breast cancer. Her mind was made up when a genetic test revealed that she had inherited one of the genes that predispose women carrying it to developing the disease. The former X Factor judge did not want to ght cancer again, having survived colon cancer in 2002, and also wanted to see her seven-month-old granddaughter Pearl grow up. I decided to just take everything o and had a double mastectomy, 60-year-old Osbourne told Hello! For me, it wasnt a big decision I didnt want to live the rest of my life with that shadow hanging over me. About 18,000 mastectomies are performed each year in England, and another 39,000 women have other types of breast surgery, such as lumpectomies. We call what Sharon Osbourne has had risk-reducing surgery or a prophylactic mastectomy, says Dr Caitlin Palframan, policy manager at the charity Breakthrough Breast Cancer. We dont call it preventative or even pre-emptive surgery, because theres a risk you may still get breast cancer despite the surgery. Nothing is completely preventative. There are no ocial gures for the number of women who have the operation for the same reason as Osbourne. I would think its about 1,000-1,200, says Andrew Baildam, professor of breast surgery at Barts hospital in London. Ten or 12 years ago it was a highly controversial operation. It was considered almost unethical. But NHS regional centres [which perform the surgery] have made it more routine. Techniques have become more rened, especially in breast reconstruction, which most women opt for. The NHS tests about 7,500 women a year for either of the two genes BRCA1 and BRCA2 that increase risk of breast or ovarian cancer. Professor Diana Eccles works at a regional genetic testing service in Southampton, one of 35 such centres in the UK. Around 1,500 women from Dorset, Hampshire, the Isle of Wight and southern Wiltshire are tested there each year for dierent types of cancer. About 800 of these women may go on to develop breast cancer the UKs commonest form of cancer, claiming 12,000 lives a year. The women we test for breast cancer are aged between 16 and 76. The younger the age at which breast cancer has occurred in their family, and the greater the number of relatives who have had it, the more likely there will be a genetic link, says Eccles.

Sharon Osbourne opted to undergo a double mastectomy A 30-year-old woman whose father carries the gene has a 25% chance of also having it, but if a woman of the same age has a mother or sister who has it, the risk rises to 50%. The presence of BRCA1 or BRCA2 means a carrier is much more likely to develop breast or ovarian cancer, though BRCA2 involves a slightly lower risk than BRCA1. The lifetime risk of a BRCA1 carrier getting breast cancer can be 60-80%. Up to 20% of the patients Eccles tests for BRCA1 or BRCA2 turn out to be positive. She estimates that 30-40% of them usually women in their 30s and 40s go on to have a mastectomy. If we nd an altered code that damages the protein, we can then oer a test to other family members who want to know their risk. We can tell them roughly what their risk of getting breast cancer might be, says Eccles. Its never an easy decision, its very personal. While many women choose to have that operation when they know they are at high risk, a majority dont. Those who do not can choose to start breast screening, if they are under 50, and undergo annual MRI scans in addition to the more usual mammography. The main reason women end up having the operation is so that theyre no longer anxious that they will develop breast cancer. The downside is that it is a mastectomy, so however good the reconstruction, its not like having your own breasts. Every woman considering the procedure undergoes counselling. Tracey Barraclough tested positive for BRCA1 in 1998. I had up to an 85% chance of developing breast cancer and up to 60% chance of developing ovarian cancer, she recalls. She was devastated but not surprised as her mother, grandmother and greatgrandmother had all died of ovarian cancer in their 50s. Four months later she had her womb and ovaries removed, to reduce her cancer risk. But she decided not to lose her breasts. A year later, though, she changed her mind and had a double mastectomy. Deciding to embark on that was the loneliest and most agonising journey of my life. My son Josh was ve at the time and I wanted to live for him. I didnt want him to grow up without a mum. It was, she recalls, an enormously dicult decision, based purely on statistics rather than emotion. How does she feel now, 13 years on? Im 100% happy. It was the right thing for me. I feel that losing my mother, grandmother and great-grandmother hasnt been in vain, she says.

A very personal procedure


Now that genetic tests are able to predict susceptibility to breast cancer, an increasing number of women are opting for risk-reducing surgery, writes Denis Campbell

12 The Guardian 12.11.12

PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY IMAGES, ALAMY

Dr Dillners dilemma Should I take part in a clinical trial?


Sexual Healing
Pamela Stephenson Connolly

One in ve people with cancer in the UK is involved in a research study, according to the latest National Cancer Patient Experience survey the highest proportion in the world. Clinical trials are regulated investigations that often examine the eects of new treatments (drugs or devices), diagnostic tests or how care is given (eg, inpatient or day surgery). Without them there would be limited advances in medicine. Trials are not just for the sick: all studies have to be done in phases, one of which includes healthy members of the public. Phase-one trials, which involve a drug being tested on a human for the rst time, got bad press in 2006 when six men trying out the drug TGN1412 became seriously ill, with some of their organs failing. But early trials are usually safe, since drugs are rst tested on animals and must get approval from the national licensing authority and an ethics committee. Participants can be paid and current ads oer anything from 200 to 2,000. Phase-two trials take small numbers of people with a given condition (if it is for a new treatment) who are monitored closely. If the treatment seems to work the phase-three trial has many more patients, takes longer to nd results and may be designed so that neither doctor nor patient knows who is having which treatment. So why take part in a study? There is the lure of cash if you are a poor student, or of access to a new treatment if you have a serious disease and standard care has not worked. Patients with cancer often enter trials

because they want to help other people with their disease. But are trials risky and do you need lots of tests?

WRITE TO US

The solution
You should talk to your doctor about whether you should take part in a trial. If you have cancer then Cancer Research UK has a database of trials on its website and a helpline (0808 800 4040). Other charities for specic conditions can access trial information and help you to decide. Whether you are healthy or unwell, before signing up you should know exactly what the study is trying to discover: if it is looking at a treatment; what is known from earlier-phase trials; how it is likely to work. Find out how it will be given to you and the benets and side eects that the researchers are expecting. You also need to know how much the trial will inconvenience you, how many extra tests you need, how unpleasant they might be and how often you will need to be checked at the hospital. Make a decision based on how much your quality of life will be aected. It is also useful to know who is funding the research, if the research team have a good history of getting their studies published and when the results will be reported. If you are thinking of having the f new treatment for a condition, ndition, you should investigate the quality of the treatment you t will get if you do not try it. y There is some research that suggests people enrolled in studies d do better than those who do not. ho

Send us your own problem for Sexual Healing, by emailing private.lives@ guardian.co.uk or writing to Private Lives, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU

My husband and I are both in our 50s and have been married for 22 years. Our sex life was ne until a few months ago, when he started to have diculty getting erect during sex before climaxing. Recently he confessed to feeling constantly stressed, and started seeing a therapist. He said he thinks the sex issue is an eect of anxiety, but it is also contributing to his stress levels. Now he avoids coming to bed at the same time as me and our sex life has stopped. I want to be supportive and dont want to add to the pressure he feels, but the sudden loss of intimacy is making me unhappy. I am tempted to ask to go to bed and cuddle instead of having sex but I dont know what to say or do. Your intuition to request non-sexual physical intimacy is a good one, so act on it. Help to reduce his performance pressure by showing that you value and enjoy non-penetrative physical closeness. Men do not need to be fully erect in order to climax, and some function just ne and satisfy their partners without ever being hard at all. If you could eventually be courageous enough to teach your husband how to pleasure you in nonpenetrative ways, that would go a long way toward reducing his fear that he is useless as a lover when his penis refuses to co-operate. After all, I assume he has a tongue, ngers and an imagination?
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders

12.11.12 The Guardian 13

Theatres London
Adelphi Theatre 0844 579 0094 NOW PREVIEWING Criterion Theatre 0844 847 2483 Londons Funniest Comedy
HER MAJESTY'S 0844 412 2707 THE BRILLIANT ORIGINAL

THE BODYGUARD
Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 3pm www.thebodyguardmusical.com

The 39 Steps
Mon-Sat 8pm, Wed 3pm, Sat 4pm
DOMINION 0844 847 1775

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA


Mon-Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30 www.ThePhantomOfTheOpera.com

Savoy Theatre 0844 871 7687 Will Young as Emcee Michelle Ryan as Sally Bowles

St James Theatre 0844 264 2140

Vaudeville Theatre 0844 412 4663

DADDY LONG LEGS


A new musical Directed by John Caird www.stjamestheatre.co.uk

UNCLE VANYA
Mon - Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30

CABARET

Aldwych Theatre 0844 847 1712

WE WILL ROCK YOU


by QUEEN & BEN ELTON Mon-Sat 7.30, Mat Sat 2.30 Extra show last Wednesday of every month at 2.30 www.wewillrockyou.co.uk

TOP HAT
"A musical like this comes around once in a lifetime." Sunday Tel Tue-Sat 7.30, Tue,Thu & Sat 2.30 www.tophatonstage.com

London Palladium 0844 412 4655 TOMMY STEELE in THE SPECTACULAR MUSICAL

St Martin's 08444 991515 60th year of Agatha Christie's Shaftesbury Theatre 0207 379 5399

Wyndhams Theatre 0844 4825120

SCROOGE
LYCEUM 0844 871 3000 book online www.thelionking.co.uk Disney Presents

ROCK OF AGES
THE SMASH HIT MUSICAL

THE MOUSETRAP
Evenings 7.30 Mats. Tues 3 Sat 4 www.the-mousetrap.co.uk

DREAMBOATS
& PETTICOATS

DRURY LANE 0844 871 8810

SHREK THE MUSICAL


Ambassadors 08448 112 334

STOMP
Mon, Thu-Sat 8pm Thu, Sat & Sun 3pm, Sun 6pm Duchess Theatre 0844 412 4659

THE LION KING


Tue-Sat 7.30, Wed, Sat & Sun 2.30 For Group/Education rates call 08448717644 / Disney 02078450949

OUR BOYS
LYRIC THEATRE 0844 412 4661 APOLLO THEATRE 0844 412 4658 TWELFTH NIGHT RICHARD III In repertoire Tickets released every day Shakespearewestend.com Garrick 0844 412 4662 book online loservillethemusical.com

THRILLER LIVE!
Tue-Fri7.30, Sat 4&8, Sun 3.30&7.30 www,thrillerlive.com

LOSERVILLE the Musical


Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 3pm Tickets from 10.00 - 49.50 New London Theatre 020 7452 3000 / 0844 412 4654

APOLLO VICTORIA 0844 847 1696

WAR HORSE
Warhorseonstage.com NOVELLO 0844 482 5115 'ABBA-Solutely Fabulous' D.Mail

WICKED
WickedTheMusical.co.uk Mon-Sat 7.30pm Wed & Sat 2.30pm

MAMMA MIA!
ARTS THEATRE 020 7836 8463 A Radio Play by Samuel Beckett Directed by Trevor Nunn Mon-Sat 7.45, Thurs & Sat 3pm, www.Mamma-Mia.com

ALL THAT FALL


Cast includes Eileen Aitkins And Michael Gambon GIELGUD 0844 482 5130 CAMBRIDGE 08444124652 Roald Dahls

PALACE THEATRE 0844 412 4656

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN


singinintherain.co.uk

CHARIOTS OF FIRE
***** 'A magnificent triumph' Mail on Sunday Mon-Sat 19:45, Wed & Sat 15:00 chariotsoffireonstage.com

MATILDA THE MUSICAL


Tue7Wed-Sat7.30Wed&Sat2.30Sun3 www.matildathemusical.com

Piccadilly Theatre 0844 871 3055

VIVA FOREVER!
Based on the songs of the Spice Girls Book by Jennifer Saunders From 27 November | 20-67.50 www.VivaForeverTheMusical.com

PINTER 0844 871 7622 ALAN AYCKBOURNS A CHORUS OF DISAPPROVAL achorusofdisapproval.com Prince Edward 0844 482 5152

JERSEY BOYS
Winner Best Musical! Oliviers Tue-Sat 7.30,Tue&Sat 3pm, Sun 5pm QUEEN'S 0844 482 5160

LES MISERABLES
WINNER! 2012 Olivier Audience Award Eves 7.30, Mats Wed & Sat 2.30 www.LesMis.com

Entertainment

Private lives

A problem shared Im 20, have never been kissed and feel uncomfortable if men touch me
I am a 20-year-old female student and have never been kissed. I have liked many guys and have no diculty irting with them, but when they try to touch me it makes me feel uncomfortable. I know I am young, and many people will say I should hold on for the right person to come along, but I am tired of waiting and want to be proactive. How can I feel more relaxed around men and nally nd someone that I can have a relationship with?

Hideously diverse Brita in Forty years of reticence


These stories are so dramatic, I said to Vishva Samani. Why dont your elders talk about them? Its a protective mechanism, she says. A sense that we live such a good life here now; why should we talk about that? The Ugandan Asian pioneers gave their children a brilliant start and a comfortable way of life. Maybe they want to underplay how dicult it was. Maybe they hope to save their children from the burdens of history. Maybe they are protecting themselves. But if my story had their traumas and successes, Id be telling everybody. Its 40 years since they came: ousted with almost nothing by Idi Amin. Nearly 28,000 arrived in just 90 days. They were condemned to build from scratch, but what they lacked in possessions and assets they balanced with know-how. A community that knows how will always get to where it is going. I was struck by what they brought to Britain after a chat last month with Hindu business tycoon Dr Rami Ranger. We werent doing so well in Britain, he said. But then the Ugandan Asians came. They were educated. They knew how to run businesses. We copied them. So its some tale, but one of the messages at last weeks Exodus 40 Symposium at the Royal Commonwealth Society, was that precious little of it has been documented. That rst generation of pioneers is dying out. The challenge is to record their stories before it is too late. Vishva, 29, is doing her bit. A writer and former BBC journalist, she recently aired a documentary, An African Asian A air, on Radio 4; a process that A allowed her to get answers and accounts from her own family. Amin accused h those expelled of being racist. Vishva, microphone switched on, acutely micro uncomfortable, felt obliged to ask if uncom her gr grandmother had been a racist. Some of it is still dark and painful. Vishva chaired a discussion on Vish the Next Generation, addressing the Nex identity challenges they face; how much the east African? How much the Indian? How much the nomad? How Indi much muc the Briton? What do they take from the past? What course for the future? And what will they have to futu pass on to their children? The obvious o legacy would be stories from that pioneer generation. But they will have overcome 40 years of reticence rst. to over Muir Hugh M

Try dancing
How about going to dance classes, where men and women touch in a platonic situation? Would you be comfortable with that? Most classes rotate partners quite quickly so you wont be stuck with anyone for very long. There is usually social dancing after class, which you can stay for if you feel like it or leave if you are feeling shy. Its a safe and controlled environment and a good chance for you to practise without it looking like thats what youre doing. I taught dance classes to university students for several years, and I found it was a very good way to instil social skills in young people, men especially! sarahdotcom

Make the leap


When you nd yourself with a man you really like and with whom you are comfortable, tell him what youre feeling and perhaps how youd like to feel instead. You may have to go out of your comfort zone, which will be daunting. However, once your heart has slowed down again you will probably be very glad youve pushed yourself. You may well nd its like other leaps of faith; once you have crossed that threshold not only is it not as scary as you thought, its a really good feeling and an experience you want to repeat. weidenbach

Find the right person


I know its really frustrating to just sit and wait while everyone else gets on with their apparently healthy relationships, but you have to nd someone you feel comfortable with. That doesnt even necessarily mean someone youre most suited to being in a relationship with, just someone you can talk to about this stu without feeling awkward. Trust me, if theyre a decent guy then they wont care how inexperienced you are. heyeveryone

Dont force yourself


There is no point forcing yourself to do something that part of you doesnt want to do, no matter how much most of you might want to do it! I agree that at 20 its time this took place, but you need to work out what is holding you back. It would be easy enough to get drunk and snog someone, but best to nd out where these feelings of being uncomfortable with touch come from rst. Try to get some help rather than force yourself into something. xtrapnel

Think about control


May I suggest you take some time to think about the role control plays in your relationship with men? Progressing from irting which, though great fun, is, when looked at dispassionately, one of the most manipulative behaviours we possess to kissing, almost inevitably involves some loss of physical and emotional control. If you can work out why you resist this then youll probably crack it. 5432Hun

My brother and two close friends have long-term mental illnesses. I want to be supportive but the demands are starting to aect my own health. I am juggling my toddler and new baby with phone calls and emails from the three of them. If I dont respond I am ignoring them (in their words). I feel as if theres just not enough of me to go around and Im emotionally exhausted trying to be too many things to so many people. How do I withdraw, to focus on my own family, without being hurtful?
MY BROTHER AND TWO FRIENDS HAVE MENTAL ILLNESSES. I FEEL LIKE THERES NOT ENOUGH OF ME TO GO AROUND

Next week

Email us at private.lives@guardian.co.uk or write to Private Lives, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU

12.11.12 The Guardian 15

Arts

Control, chaos and sausages


Brian Eno has a new album out. How best to explain it? By hooking up with radical economist Ha-Joon Chang to debate everything from nance to free jazz. Caspar Llewellyn Smith listens in

ts a very Brian Eno notion: rather than submit to a normal interview, the 64-year-old polymath wants to talk about his new album through a conversation with the economist Ha-Joon Chang. Inevitably, the discussion, which takes place in Enos oce in Notting Hill, London, barely touches on the record, Lux; instead, it ranges over another of his new creations (an app called Scape), the value of art, and why numbers are like sausages. Eno met Chang through an editor at the latters publisher. The 49-year old

economist is something of a star in that increasingly starry calling, ever since the publication of his 23 Things They Dont Tell You About Capitalism a book described by the Guardian as a masterful debunking of some of the myths of capitalism. Born in South Korea and now teaching at Cambridge University, Chang admits to being a fan of early Roxy Music but, as soon becomes apparent, he and Eno have more in common than that. Brian Eno: Theres an issue were both interested in this middle ground

Become a member of Extra, the membership scheme for readers of the Guardian and Observer, and take advantage of our great oers, events and competitions. Exclusive oer: Buy premium tickets for 17.50 to see Puccinis La Bohme at the Charing Cross Theatre.
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16 The Guardian 12.11.12

PHOTOGRAPH MARTIN GODWIN FOR THE GUARDIAN

between control and chaos. Some economists say you can only have a control model or a chaos model, that youre either a socialist or its all about the free market. Whereas you say: Lets nd a place in between. This happens to be an issue with the music I make. Its made for a place somewhere between architecture and gardening. Its not a situation where Im nessing every tiny detail. I basically set a process in motion and then watch it happen. You try to design the process carefully enough so you get the results you want and dont have to intervene. Ha-Joon Chang: Thats the approach I use in my economics. Central planners thought they could control everything, but there are always elements of uncertainty and surprise. But they then try to control even those. At the other extreme, we have those free-market economists who think there need to be more rules even that its OK to kill your competitor.

Lets nd a place in between Eno and Chang in conversation

Art is the most endangered area of life because its not obvious how it makes money
Ha-Joon Chang

Then you have a system that runs amok because everyone is cheating everyone in trying to beat them. The illusion that this rule-less system can organise itself has been proven completely mistaken but we still have people wanting to believe in these extremes. BE: One of the things youre doing when you make art, apart from entertaining yourself and other people, is trying to see what ways of working feel good, what feels right. What gets the results you want? And for me, it isnt top-down architecture that does that but its not chaos, either. I dont want to do free jazz! Because free jazz which is the musical equivalent of free marketeering isnt actually free at all. Its just constrained by what your muscles can do. It turns out that anything that is called free anything isnt really. Its just constraints that you dont recognise. HJC: Its a point I make in my book, when I say theres no such thing as a free market. The argument being that in all markets, there are some rules about what you can trade, how you can trade. We think some markets are free only because we totally accept those underlying rules. We just dont see them any more. Caspar Llewellyn Smith: Ha-Joon, presumably every economist has their own idea of how the world should be organised. So isnt it a very real problem when politicians come along, with their own agendas, and screw everything up? HJC: Oh yeah, but my view is that we dont live by bread alone. These days, economics has become such an allencompassing way of thinking that everything is supposed to justify its existence by how much money it makes. Are you making enough money as a university? Are you making enough money as a classical orchestra? But if you try to create a world in which everything is driven by money and the market, the world will be a much poorer place. Imagine if all those kings and dukes hadnt commissioned those crazy cathedrals, paintings and music wed still be living in sticks and mud. Because none of those things made any economic sense. Human beings capacity to waste time is a miracle but thats exactly what art is for! BE: What is the value of a park? You cant quantify it. We keep them because weve inherited them. But Im sure therell be a rightwing movement in the future that says, Parks? What are they for? People just wander about in them and theres dog shit all over the place. Whats the point of that? A great big piece of real estate in the middle of London that could be generating income we can quantify that. Quantication is a big temptation for society because it looks like control.

Another view The Limbless Associations Stuart Holt on Rust and Bone
Most people cant imagine what its like to lose a limb. I had both my legs amputated below the knee in 1997, after contracting meningitis and septicemia. I was in an induced coma for two weeks; when I came round, my left leg was already gone, but the doctors instructed my wife not to tell me. When I realised what had happened, I cried and cried. This lm does very well at putting across the psychological eects of limb loss. Stephanie, played by Marion Cotillard (above), is a young orca trainer who loses both her legs above the knee following an incident with one of her killer whales. When she comes round in hospital and discovers her legs have been amputated, shes very distraught, and a period of depression follows; she even seems to contemplate suicide. I cant recall ever feeling quite that low I had a lot of support from friends and family but for the rst 18 months, I was a swine to live with. You just cant do what you used to do; one of the biggest issues is sexual you cant imagine feeling attractive again. Thats exactly how Stephanie feels: she initially rejects the advances of Ali, the man she becomes involved with, because she thinks shes lost her sexual self. Stephanies stumps are far too long for someone whos been amputated above the knee, however. Her electronic limbs are also extremely expensive about 27,000 per leg. You cant get those on the NHS over here, and its hard to imagine that even her private health insurance would have covered them. The rst tting of your articial limbs is usually extremely painful, as we see in the lm, but theres just no way that Stephanie could be strolling along the promenade on one stick after two days of walking practice. When I was rst tted with my legs, it was three months before I was able to take them home from hospital. Learning to walk again is a very slow, painful process.
Interview by Laura Barnett. Stuart Holt is a trustee of The Limbless Association (limblessassociation.org). Rust and Bone is out now.

12.11.12 The Guardian 17

Arts

HJC: People tend to think that numbers are quite objective, but numbers in economics are not like this. Some economists say theyre like sausages: you dont know what they really are until you cut into them. Of course, the more obscure a number is, the more people tend to think it is objective. If you say that the average American goes through three tubes of toothpaste a year, they kind of believe you. But if you say its 3.72 tubes, they think: Wow that must be correct. Art is not the only area aected by this quantication education has been aected, family relationships, too but I think art is the most endangered area of life. Its not obvious how something makes money. Sometimes, you have an artwork that you think is terrible, but then some billionaire is prepared to pay a huge amount for it, and suddenly it becomes valuable. And you are supposed to like it because its expensive, and it must be expensive because its worth it. BE: When I went to art school, the choice was to enter the art world or the pop world, and a lot of my teachers

were disappointed I took the pop route because they thought I was a promising ne artist. But one of the reasons I did is because I thought it was inherently healthier. It had a quasi-democratic basis that the art world doesnt have at all.

Deep-fried in South Korea a Roxy Music-era Eno in 1972

Brian Eno

Read a longer version of this article at guardian. co.uk/music. Lux is released today on Warp.

18 The Guardian 12.11.12

PHOTOGRAPH BRIAN COOKE/REDFERNS

After art school, I went into pop because I thought it was healthier it had a democratic basis

HJC: Once again, you have to strike a balance between control and the market. Your way of encouraging people to make their own music with your new app, Scape, is a good example of a different sort of approach to working. BE: You drag shapes on to a screen to create a picture, and each shape has its own sound, with its own set of hidden rules. For instance, when a lot of things are happening at once, Im going to default into another mode of playing; or I only play in the evenings that sort of thing. Each piece of music becomes a little musical ecology. HJC: Ive been a big fan of your music over the years. When I was growing up in South Korea in the 70s and early 80s, the country was too poor to buy original records. Everything was bootlegged. The sound would be terrible: we used to call them tempura shop records it sounded as if someone was deep-frying them. This new album, Lux, was originally created for a specic space, in Turin, I think [the Great Gallery of the Palace of Venaria]. Its very interesting to think of a building as something more than just a physical structure: its also about its surroundings, its light, and its sound. People dont tend to think of this, but our sense of a building can really be aected by its sound. BE: Especially with this building, because it has the longest reverberation you can imagine. Treating sound as a physical material was only really possible from the time of recording onwards. As soon as people started making recordings, they took sound out of time and put it into space. It goes from being transitory and ephemeral to being something you can almost handle. I call that the materialisation of music. So everything Ive been doing, really, has been to do with realising sound can be a material: if youre now thinking about a building, this can be one of the materials you can consider. HJC: As a consumer, I dont create art, but I think whatever the message is, art has to touch you. I like all kinds of music classical, pop, rock, electronic. Somehow, as a consumer, you know when something is good and when something is bad. CLS: Its interesting that you use the word consumer that we live in a world now in which art is something you consume, not something you practise. Art becomes a ready-made lifestyle. HJC: Yes, but I took two years of piano lessons when I was seven and eight, and that was it. BE: Thats more than I took.

orgos Lanthimos sits at the table outside a pub, bundled up in jacket and eece, his breath visible in the autumn air. While he talks, I cant decide whats more telling: the fact that Lanthimos, the most talented Greek director of his generation, has just made a lm about dead people; or the fact that hes now quit Greece to live in Britain instead. Maybe he grew weary of his role as a coal-miners canary. For now, more than ever, its tempting to view Lanthimoss gloriously grotesque, o-kilter pictures as an ongoing autopsy of contemporary Greece a portrait of a nation on the cusp of collapse. His 2005 debut, Kinetta, was an acid drama about the thrill of homicide; 2009s Oscar-nominated Dogtooth was a nail-bitingly claustrophobic fable about the hell of the gated community. His latest, Alps, pushes the inquiry to its logical conclusion: a ghost story of sorts, it charts the fortunes of low-rent operatives who serve as substitutes for the recently deceased, lling the hole at the heart of bereaved families in a modern-day Athens that looks suspiciously like a necropolis. Its like the other side of Dogtooth, he explains. Dogtooth was about someone trying to break out of a family, and here its about breaking in. The tonal sensibility is much the same, but the lms are going in opposite directions. In either case, the way ahead is fraught with peril. The rst time I saw Alps, I pegged it as brilliant black comedy; the second time as out-and-out tragedy. Aggeliki Papoulia stars as the sad-eyed Nurse, whose dedication to her work leads her worryingly o-piste. One moment shes impersonating a teenage tennis ace who was killed in a car wreck; the next shes a dead lover who enjoyed y wading into chilly seas while her er adoring partner watched from the beach. Nurse parrots the lines and replays precious moments. Cold is ld a word that winter swimmers dont ont know, she assures her employer er through chattering teeth. Lanthimos insists he has never ver felt the need of a substitute himmself, although he relishes the lms idea of a human contract, an agreement that establishes the rules of a relationship and guarantees that all parties are reading from the same script. He also likes the comedy of the questionnaire, in which clients are asked to list their dearly beloveds favourite pastimes, food and foreign actor. The

Ill be your substitute Aggeliki Papoulia in Alps commercials, he says. I learned about it by watching lms. He chuckles. Even today Im not sure why I make lms or what makes me want lms. I think its other peoples lms. Whenever I see a really great lm, I think, I want to make a lm like that. And then I never do. At the end of 2011, he upped sticks for London, where he now shares a home with his girlfriend, the actor Ariane Labed, who takes the role of Nurses rival substitute. He admits the nancial crash was a factor, yet stresses he has always wanted to work elsewhere, to shoot lms in English. Im interested in many dierent things, he says. I guess I just want to evolve. Does he have mixed feelings about the move? One could argue Greece only risks sinking further into the red if its most talented citizens start jumping ship in search of better territory. Well, says Lanthimos with a laugh. I made three lms in Greece under very dicult circumstances, so I think Ive served my time. But I dont see it as jumping ship. Its not abandonment. One day Ill go back. It might be sooner rather than later. Right now, the 39-year-old is between projects. He has plans to shoot a period drama set during the reign of Queen Anne. He has plans to shoot an update of Daniel Defoes Journal of the Plague Year, chasing the run of a pandemic through modernday London. He is bouncing between meetings, unsure which script will spark up rst. Theres much more activity in England than in Greece, he says ruefully. Or at least theres a lot more development, which obviously brings another set of problems. I ask how he likes London and he says he likes it ne, even if hes constantly on the move, unable to put down roots. I love the weather, he says. I love the food. Both me and my girlfriend really like our food, so we try to eat out as much as possible. Its OK, I dont know. I might be here a while, I might be gone next month. Im living like a tourist. I leave Lanthimos out amid the elements, miles from home, in search of fresh ideas. Oddly enough, its a role that seems to suit him, a lifestyle that chimes with his peculiarly deadpan, freeze-dried sensibility. Thats the thing about winter swimmers: they never feel the cold.
Alps is out now.

Autopsy for Athens


The maker of Dogtooth is back with a typically o-kilter lm about people who are hired to stand in for the recently deceased. Xan Brooks meets Greeces Yorgos Lanthimos

q questionnaire is funny because it is so supercial. It tells us nothing about cia the whole human being. But maybe it shows a little glimpse of them in the moment. mome Who is his own favourite foreign actor? In the moment? The director g gives a sheepish shrug. Daniel Day-Lewis. Danie Alps was shot in the teeth of Al the nancial crisis, as backers pulled out and the budget pu dwindled. But the problems dw with the Greek lm industry w have still deeper roots. h Lanthimos explains there is no infrastructure, no training nothing to nurture young talent. I learned about making lms by going into advertising, making

12.11.12 The Guardian 19

Arts

Digested read John Crace Tom couldnt believe his luck. $10,000 per page to write on steroids. :::: Thats America, baby! ::::
Title Back to Blood Author Tom Wolfe Publisher Jonathan Cape Price 20
SMACK. Thadaboom. SMACK. Thahadaboom. The Safe Boat thadathunks its foam-lled fuckery across Miami MEEE-AH-MEE bay. Deres a fuckin Wetfoot at da top a dat fuckin mast a dat boat, yelled Sergeant Kite. Ocer Nestor Camacho rolled up his sleeves. His biceps were ripped. Taut. :::: What the fuck was he doing thinking like this inside this crazy, mashed-up punctuation? :::: Tappetytaptappetytaptaptap. KER-CHING! Tom couldnt believe his luck. $10,000 per page to write on steroids. :::: Like taking candy from babies. Thats America, baby :::: Madre de Dios! yelled Nestors father. Youre no national hero. You traidor. You betray your blood. The guy was 17 feet from freedom, and you send him back to Fidel? Nestor reeled backwards out of the room :::: At least I have my Malena. Mia preciosa Magdalena con los grandes bazookas :::: Thass wat you think, Nestor, said Magdalena, adjusting her skirt to make sure her bootycrack HER BUM-BUMBUM made it into this paragraph. The thing is, Ive just met this new man. :::: Not quite true. Shed been dating her boss, Norman the porn shrink, for a while now :::: Slurparlurparlurp, lubberly lubberly pussy. It felt good to be able to write dirty as Normans priapic pimped purple car pushed its velvet rims towards the orgy while his billionaire patient beat on his festering, ulcerous dick for the 14th time that morning. Buy yourself some modern art, Maurice, said Norman, as Magdalena bobbobbobbed on his slithery slipperiness. Whats wrong with you, Tom? Maurice screamed. :::: Jesus, my rancid cock aches. Cant you give your obsession with the pointlessness of modern art a break? Youve been going on about it for decades, and we all get the point :::: Fuck the lot of you, Tom stompstomphued. Its my book. My advance. And Ill do what I want. WHOOP. WHOOP. WHOOOP. And leave that extra O on there, right? So I tell you what happens next. Theres going to be a new sub-plot about how Sergei the Russian oligarch donated $70m of forged modern art to the Miiiiiiiiammm-oooow Gallery. :::: Zanks fer nuzzink :::: So I am anuzzer lazeee stereotype like everywon zelse, said Sergei. WOW WOW WOW a rich RUSHAN with Art said Magadelena :::: Art who? No KANDINSKY? NO KANDONTSKY! Better get my sucketysucketysuck hypnopompic lips in gear :::: Whoosh. Bash. Bish. Kapow. The w. black police chief had switched Nestor d away from the Cubanas to keep him p out of trouble, and now hed only ly gone and taken down some black beefcake cracking crack king in a headheadheadlock only his partner had been lmed calling the guy a nigger :::: Dios, I swear I no racist :::: I know that. But round here bloodisbloodisblood. Youre suspended, Camacho. Whoawhoawhoaza, screeeeeched Tommmmeeee. I aint nished with the badblood, city-divided shit so Im gonna bring in Creole Ghislaine who got a brudder into pants down to his knees kinda gang stu. And you, Nestor, are going to sort it in your UNEEEEK idididiot savant style. :::: Yesssiryesssirr :::: STADUNG KAPUNG. The forger was whacked. Sergei busted. LE TOUTTOUTTOUT literary monde laughlaughlaughing at the art world. Magadalena plumped her hypnopompic labioplastic lips :::: Madre. Tom. He could no be so stupido to use upido a word like hypnopompic twice c :::: Get away from my white hite linen suit, Tomtomtom Tomed. The money is mine. And Ill use hypnoppompic as often as I like. OKOKOK, Nestornestornestor nestored. So now Im back in da police, which broad do I get to badaboom? Digested read, digested: Back to bollocks.

Critic's notebook Forget the single play give me an entire oeuvre


Michael Billington
Over the years, Ive been to seasons of plays by Harold Pinter at the Gate theatre in Dublin, by Sarah Kane at Berlins Schaubhne and, most recently, by Christopher Hampton at the Guthrie in Minneapolis. Yet, astonishingly, such events rarely happen here. The Sheeld Crucible has broken the mould by devoting seasons to Michael Frayn, David Hare and Peter Gill, and director Laurie Sansom at Northampton gave us an illuminating Ayckbourn retrospective. Generally, however, you have to travel abroad for in-depth examinations of British dramatists. Some might argue that such seasons are chiey of interest to critics. But this is palpable nonsense. In other art forms, it is commonplace to focus on the work of an individual. Londons BFI Southbank is in the middle of a season devoted to the lms of Alexander Mackendrick. Conductor Valery Gergiev and the London Symphony Orchestra are in the midst of a leisurely exploration of the symphonies of Brahms and Szymanowski. With the addition of lms, talks and panel discussions, you get the thing audiences seem to crave: the sense of an event. Audiences, like critics, enjoy discovering the links between seemingly disparate works. When the Crucible staged Benefactors and Copenhagen together, you began to understand how all of Frayns characters wrestle with the problem of seeking to impose structure on an intractable universe. And it was fascinating to see back-toback productions of Hamptons Tales from Hollywood and his new play, Appomattox, in Minneapolis. In both you saw an anguished liberal confronting a downright radical: Horvath and Brecht in the rst play, LBJ and Martin Luther King in the second. Ive long argued that any company that had the wit to stage Chekhovs four great plays in sequence would not only clean up at the box oce, but help us to better understand a great writer. But theres fat chance of that happening here, where Shakespeare aside everything is a one-o event. I reckon Ill have to go on travelling to see British dramatists, living or dead, given the seasonal treatment.

20 The Guardian 12.11.12

ILLUSTRATION MATT BLEASE

Television

here was plenty of big TV around at the weekend singing, dancing, Nadines jungle jaunt, the CarrienBrody show. All of which is being covered elsewhere, in blogs and in the news section. Here, then, is a review of the television you probably didnt watch. No, dont go away. It doesnt matter that you didnt see it, stay, its going to be fun. Following the recent news that Time Team is to be axed, the experience of watching The Forgotten Gunners of WW1 A Time Team Special (Channel 4, Sunday) is tinged with melancholy. Like visiting an ageing relative a fairly distant one you dont see often but whom you have some aection for soon after they have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The nal series will go out next year, and there will be a further four specials broadcast in 2013 and 2014. Then they will ll in the holes and lay down their tools for good, and Time Team itself will sink slowly into the past. Maybe to one day be rediscovered, unearthed by an archaeologist of culture, digging around to discover what people did for entertainment way back at the end of the 20th and start of the 21st centuries. Its not quite gone yet, though, and Baldrick (Tony Robinson will always be Baldrick, Im afraid) and his hairy pals are digging at Belton House, near Grantham. Not too deeply. They are only going back a century or so, to the time when Beltons grounds were the site of a massive army camp where the Machine Gun Corps trained for action on the western front. Theres something appropriate about digging trenches to nd out about the rst world war. They dont have a lot to go on, as most of the Corps records were destroyed. Our dig could help put the gunners back on the map, says Baldrick, cunningly. Good news for Arsne Wenger (Im writing before Saturdays game against Fulham)

About to lay down his tools for good Tony Robinson presents Time Team because this was a very camp camp. Its interesting there are some good stories haunting Belton. Sad stories mostly, as once they were trained and had nished their cocoa, these young men were packed o to the western front to be shot at by Germans. But most of these stories come from people the young mens grandchildren, who inherited their possessions and notebooks, historians, locals etc rather than what comes out of the ground. They nd more things part of a clay pipe, and the end of a swagger stick. They nd empty shells, which tells them where the shooting range was. Finally they nd a bit of a building. We have got a surere hut wall, says a beardy man, looking down at a line of concrete in the earth. Im really excited about that. This is a 100% genuine hut wall. Exciting indeed, but its not quite the Rosetta Stone, is it? Ive been enjoying How Britain Worked (Channel 4, Sunday), about the machines of the industrial revolution and the men who operated them. Not just because I am actually quite interested in the workings of a Newcomen beam engine, invented in the early 18th century to pump water out of mines. But also because Ive been enjoying Guy Martin, who presents it. A Lincolnshire lorry mechanic, he doesnt just get the machinery, he loves it. And the work sorry, graft and the grease, which hes generally covered in. An enthusiast, with a nice turn of phrase, a wild look in his eye, wild hair, and sideburns that make Bradley Wigginss look like a girls. Guy is faster on two wheels than Wiggo is too. Hes a world-class motorcycle racer. The scary kind, on the roads, like the Isle of Man TT. And hes like no one else on the telly, a 200bhp, 200mph blast of fresh air. Thats proper, that is.

The weekend's TV Time Team told us stories about the rst world war mostly very sad ones

By Sam Wollaston
maybe theyll disinter a replacement for Robin van Persie. They have some fun with an old Vickers machine gun, shooting at golfers on the adjacent golf course. Shame its just blanks they are ring, like Marouane Chamakh. I do apologise, not for wanting the golfers mown down, but for being sidetracked by football. So they nd a nail, and a bit of old glass. And a piece of white pottery with YMCA written on it. There was a YMCA for the soldiers on the camp You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel Young man. And they could have a Horlicks or a cocoa in a pink pint mug (they nd a piece of one of those as well). The mugs were pink so that they showed up if any young gunners tried to sneak them back to their huts, not

PHOTOGRAPH CHANNEL 4

AND ANOTHER THING

Ha, Full English (Channel 4, 11.50pm tonight). Funny.

12.11.12 The Guardian 21

TV and radio

F Film of the day Submarine (9pm, Film4) S Hard to resist this sweet-natured romcom from The IT Crowds H Richard Ayoade. Its the story of 15-year-old Oliver Tate (Craig R Roberts), who is determined to lose his virginity before he hits 16. R

BBC1
6.0pm BBC News (S) Weather 6.30 Regional News Programmes (S) Weather

BBC2
6.0pm Eggheads (R) (S) 6.30 Strictly Come Dancing It Takes Two (S) Zoe Ball hosts the weekday fanzine. 7.0 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip (S) Green Green Grass stars Sue Holderness and John Challis hunt for antiques in and around Essex. Prots go to Children in Need.

ITV1
6.0pm Local News (S) Weather 6.30 ITV News And Weather (S)

Channel 4
6.0pm The Simpsons (S) (AD) Homer takes up bounty hunting. 6.30 Hollyoaks (S) (AD) Will Tony reveal his secret? 7.0 Channel 4 News (S) 7.55 4thought.tv (S) Is faith is a matter of nature or nurture?

Full English, Channel 4

Watch this
Crime Stories 2pm, ITV1
Co-created by the people who brought us The Bill, heres a peculiar and rather worthy hybrid of fact and ction a fake y-on-thewall police procedural, starring a former real-life detective chief superintendent (Jane Antrobus). Its certainly plodding and humdrum enough to be authentic though does chuck in the odd Columbostyle red herring to keep us interested. In this series opener, DI Jane and DS Ben Shaw (Hollyoaks Ben Hull) investigate the case of a care home resident whos had his money stolen. Ali Catterall Alex Scarfe (son of political cartoonist Gerald) and animated by Rough Draft, the California studio behind Seth MacFarlanes Emmywinning hit. It even apes the signature cutaway gags. Theres a decent voice cast, including Richard Ayoade and Kayvan Novak, but precious few laughs. Ben Arnold

7.0 The One Show (S) Presented by Alex Jones and Matt Baker. 7.30 Inside Out (S) Regional stories. (Followed by BBC News; Regional News.)

7.0 Emmerdale (S) (AD) Kerry tries to bond with Amy. 7.30 Coronation Street (S) (AD) Maria splits up with a confused Jason.

8.0 EastEnders (S) (AD) Cora explains her recent behaviour to Patrick. 8.30 Panorama (S)

8.0 University Challenge (S) Cambridge colleges Homerton and Kings battle it out. Jeremy Paxman hosts. 8.30 MasterChef: The Professionals (S) Another 10 chefs enter the kitchen. 9.0 The Dark Charisma Of Adolf Hitler (S) (AD) New series. Laurence Rees explores how and why Hitler connected so strongly with millions of Germans.

8.0 Little England (S) Jonathan and Kath Croft-White get to work on their campsite ahead of an inspection. 8.30 Coronation Street (S) (AD) Steve struggles to keep up with the pace during a ve-a-side game. 9.0 Im A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! (S) One of the celebrities takes on the rst bushtucker trial.

8.0 Chinese Murder Mystery: Channel 4 Dispatches Special (S) Report on the death of British businessman Neil Heywood in China in November 2011.

Ottolenghis Mediterranean Feast 9pm, More4


Israeli-born chef and purveyor of deliciousness Yotam Ottolenghi skips o to feast on avours from Morocco, Turkey, Tunisia and Israel. He kicks o this opening episode in Marrakech, proving that even if you cant pop down your local medina you can still use herbs such as mint, saron and coriander in your everyday cooking. Its not just about the recipes he really gets stuck in, breakfasting with shermen and preserving his own lemons. The shballs, barbecued lamb and sea bass look tasty, as does the location of his rooftop kitchen. Hannah Verdier

9.0 Richard Hammonds Miracles Of Nature (S) (AD) The presenter learns how elephants communicate through solid rock and meets a blind cyclist who relies on fruit bats to get him down a bike trail. 10.0 BBC News (S) 10.25 Regional News And Weather (S) 10.35 Imagine (S) Form prodigy to global star, the life and career of Chinese pianist Lang Lang. Presented by Alan Yentob.

9.0 999: Whats Your Emergency? (S) Blackpools emergency services deal with incidents involving visitors to the town.

The Dark Charisma Of Adolf Hitler 9pm, BBC2


Debut of a three-part series seeking to explain one of historys great inexplicables: how and why did the civilised people of a great European nation, as late as the mid-20th century, fall so far beneath the thrall of a ranting, paranoid dingbat with a silly moustache? This opening episode seeks to distil what it was that millions of Germans loved and they did about Adolf Hitler. Contemporary footage, and an archive of interviews with witnesses, paints a gripping portrait of an entire nation under the sway of evil. Andrew Mueller

10.0 Never Mind The Buzzcocks (S) Richard Ayoade hosts. Guests include Ed Sheeran and Caroline Flack. 10.30 Newsnight (S) With Emily Maitlis. (Followed by Weather.)

10.0 ITV News At Ten And Weather (S) 10.30 Local News/ Weather (S) 10.35 The Agenda (S) Talk show hosted by ITVs political editor, Tom Bradby.

10.0 8 Out Of 10 Cats (S) Jimmy Carr hosts. 10.50 Full English (S) (AD) New satirical animation series centred on a family. First up, daughter Eve enters her band into Britains Got Talent.

11.20 Dragons Den (R) (S) Pitches include an oven cleaner and a backpack that can be used to tow children on ski slopes.

11.05 Training Day (Antoine Fuqua, 2001) (S) (AD) A rookie cop is partnered with a veteran narcotics ocer. Taut thriller featuring an Oscarwinning turn from Denzel Washington. With Ethan Hawke.
virtuoso Alison Balsom. 6.30 Composer Of The Week: Big Band. (R) 7.30 Radio 3 Live In Concert. The BBC National Orchestra of Wales performs Bruchs First Violin Concerto with Tasmin Little, Elgars Cockaigne Overture and Rachmaninovs Symphonic Dances, live from Cardi. 10.0 Free Thinking. Amos Oz gives a talk on the Middle East and the prospect of future co-existence between Israel and Palestine, recorded at the Radio 3 Free Thinking Festival. 10.45 The Free Thinking Essay: New Generation Thinkers. Martin Goodman gives a talk on the perils of writing biographies, recorded at the Radio 3 Free Thinking Festival. 11.0 Jazz On 3. Jez Nelson presents avante-garde

11.20 Random Acts (S) Short arts lm. 11.25 Alan Carr: Chatty Man (R) (S) With guests Jamie Oliver, Jimmy Doherty, the Wanted, Taylor Swift and the Killers. (Shown Friday.)

Radio
Radio 3
90.2-92.4 MHz
6.30 Breakfast. Music, news and the occasional surprise, presented by Sara Mohr-Pietsch. 9.0 Essential Classics. With Sarah Walker. Including the Essential CD: Five Italian Oboe Concertos played by Nicholas Daniel, performances by pianist Noriko Ogawa, and this weeks guest, author Anne Fine. 12.0 Composer Of The Week: Big Band. During the London Jazz Festival this week, Donald Macleod is joined by trumpeter, composer and conductor Guy Barker

Full English 10.50pm, Channel 4


Comparisons to Family Guy will be inevitable with Full English, a new cartoon comedy series designed by

Ottolenghis Mediterranean Feast, More4

to explore the story of big band jazz from the 1920s onwards. 1.0 Radio 3 Lunchtime Concert. French cellist Gautier Capucon and Venezuelan pianist Gabriela Montero perform a lyrical programme of Beethoven, Schumann and Grieg, live from Londons Wigmore Hall. 2.0 Afternoon On 3. This week, Katie Derham presents recent concerts by the BBC SSO, today joined by the BBC Singers and BBC Concert Orchestra, with a focus on music reecting Armistice Day. 4.30 In Tune. With the 2012 London Jazz Festival under way, Sean Raerty welcomes pianist and composer Gwilym Simcock, who performs in the studio. He also meets trumpet

pianist Matthew Shipp live in concert with his trio at the London Jazz Festival, featuring Michael Bisio on bass and Whit Dickey on drums. 12.30 Through The Night. Including music by Bruckner, Bach, Wolfram Buchenberg, Rheinberger, Hummel, Elgar, Beethoven, Mendelssohn, Szymanowski, Dvorak, Mozart, Telemann, Schubert and Langgaard.

Radio 4

92.4-94.6 MHz; 198kHz


6.0 Today. 9.0 Start The Week. With Kevin Macdonald, Roger Graef, Aman Sethi and Jenny Uglow. 9.45 (LW) Daily Service. 9.45 (FM) Book Of The Week: Former People. By Douglas Smith. Abridged

22 The Guardian 12.11.12

Full TV listings For comprehensive programme details see the Guardian Guide every Saturday or go to tvlistings.guardian.co.uk/

Channel 5
6.0pm Home And Away (R) (S) (AD) Roo and Harvey argue about his indelity. 6.30 5 News At 6.30 (S) 7.0 Wild Things With Dominic Monaghan (R) (S) The Lord of the Rings and Lost star hunts for a giant centipede in Venezuela. (Shown Friday; followed by 5 News Update.)

BBC3

BBC4

More4
6.20pm Come Dine With Me (R) (S) A quartet from Cornwall compete in the dinnerparty challenge.

Atlantic
6.0pm House (R) The medic treats a senator who collapsed at a fundraising rally.

Other channels
E4 6.0pm The Big Bang Theory. Leonard, Raj and Howard go camping. 6.30 The Big Bang Theory. Kripke plays a prank on Sheldon. 7.0 Hollyoaks. The morning of the double wedding arrives. 7.30 How I Met Your Mother. Ted loses his job. 8.0 New Girl. The atmates celebrate Thanksgiving. 8.30 Suburgatory. Dallas celebrates the opening of her new store. 9.0 Derren Brown: Fear And Faith. Part one of two. The showman removes peoples feelings of fear. 10.0 Made In Chelsea. Cheska tries to cheer Binky up by taking her to a saucy workshop. 11.05 The Work Experience. Colby gives designer Tom Codds sample collection to a mysterious woman. 11.40 Fresh Meat. Josie makes an error of judgement. Film4 7.10pm Post Grad. Comedy, starring Alexis Bledel. 8.50 Submarine Special. Richard Ayoade discusses his debut as a film director. 9.0 Submarine. Comedy drama, starring Craig Roberts. 10.50 Alfie. Comedy drama, starring Michael Caine. FX 6.0pm Leverage. Nate helps stop a church being demolished. 7.0 NCIS. DiNozzo becomes obsessed with nding a murder victims sister. 8.0 NCIS. The agents track down a serial killer. 9.0 Burn Notice. The team plots to bring an end to Ansons plans. Last in the series. 10.0 True Blood. Eric plots his escape from the midst of the Authority. 11.0 The Booth At The End. New series. The Man oers his wish-fullment services to another selection of clients. 11.30 Family Guy. Peter tries to prove he is a genius. 12.0 Family Guy. Brian appears on a TV dating show. ITV2 7.0pm The X Factor Results. Another elimination and more performances by charttopping stars. 8.0 The Xtra Factor Results. Including an interview with the eliminated act. 9.0 The Vampire Diaries. Connor takes Jeremy, Matt and Count Arthur Strongs Radio Show! 2.30 Legal, Decent, Honest And Truthful 3.0 Show Boat 4.0 Chattering 4.15 Loose Ends 5.0 Like Theyve Never Been Gone 5.30 Safety Catch April hostage. 10.0 Switch. Graces new relationship appears to be going well. 11.0 Im A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here Now! News and gossip from the camp. 12.0 Girlfri3nds. The contest reaches its nal stages. Sky1 6.0pm Futurama. Fry and Leela get trapped on a planet of human-hating robots. 6.30 The Simpsons. Mr Burns receives a blood transfusion from Bart. 7.0 The Simpsons. Homer buys Lisa a pony. 7.30 The Simpsons. A psychiatrist recommends the family rehomes Santas Little Helper. 8.0 Arrow. The vigilante asks Laurel to help prove a murder suspects innocence. 9.0 Ross Kemp: The Invisible Wounded. Post-traumatic stress disorder among ex-service personnel. 10.0 Game Of Thrones. Ned struggles to save Aryas life. 11.15 NCIS: Los Angeles. A Marine is found murdered minus a hand. Sky Arts 1 6.0pm Songbook. Will Hodgkinson talks to singer-songwriter Donovan. 7.0 Hay Sessions 2012. Author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie talks to Emily Perkins. 8.0 Frank Lloyd Wright. Concluding the profile of the architect. 9.0 Classic Albums. Meat Loafs Bat Out of Hell. 10.0 Meat Loaf: In Search Of Paradise. Behind the scenes of the singers 2007 tour. 11.30 Meat Loaf Live With The Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. A 2004 concert by the rock singer. TCM 7.25pm Fort Massacre. Western, starring Joel McCrea. 9.0 Deep Blue Sea. Thriller, starring Saron Burrows. 11.0 Cobra. Action thriller, with Sylvester Stallone.

7.0pm The Real Hustle: Celebrity Chancers (R) (S) Shane Lynch guests. 7.30 Live Tennis: ATP World Tour Finals (S) Sue Barker hosts coverage of the singles nal on day eight, from the O2 in London.

7.0pm World News Today (S) Weather 7.30 Timothy Spall: All At Sea (R) (S) (AD) The actor and wife Shane hit bad weather out in the North Sea.

7.30 Hughs 3 Good Things (S) Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall prepares a lamb chop with feta and tomatoes, plus a slowroasted shoulder of lamb with potatoes and mushrooms.

7.0 House (R) Vogler is determined to get House red.

8.0 The All New Gadget Show (S) Jason Bradbury and Pollyanna Woodward head to Iceland to test out hi-tech binoculars while whale-watching. (Followed by 5 News At 9.)

8.0 Natures Microworlds (R) (S) The ecosystem of the African Serengeti. 8.30 Only Connect (S) Charity celebrity edition. Guests include Charlie Higson, Matthew Parris and Rosie Boycott. 9.0 The First Master Chef: Michel Roux On Escoer (S) Michel Roux Jr proles Georges Auguste Escoer, a chef who revolutionised French cuisine and the way top kitchens were run.

8.0 Grand Designs (R) (S) (AD) A scientist employs untested technology as he tries to build a carbonneutral home in Boxford, Suolk.

8.0 Seinfeld (R) (S) Kramer gets a job in a soap opera. 8.30 Seinfeld (R) (S) Meryl pretends to be Jerrys wife in order to get a discount on her dry cleaning.

9.0 High Plains Drifter (Clint Eastwood, 1973) (S) Director and star Eastwood resurrects his man-with-no-name persona in an eerie, supernatural-tinged frontier western.

9.0 Ottolenghis Mediterranean Feast (S) (AD) New series. Starting in Marrakech with the citys street food, chef Yotam Ottolenghi explores the cuisine of the southern and eastern Mediterranean. 10.0 Big Fat Gypsy Weddings (R) (S) (AD) Irish traveller Mary and her family prepare to move to a new location before the cops can stop them.

9.0 Dont Sit In The Front Row (S) With Frank Skinner, Andrew Maxwell and Susan Calman. Presented by Jack Dee. 9.30 Alan Partridges Mid Morning Matters (R) Alan attends a wine-tasting session. 10.0 Girls (S) Jessa thinks Hannah should embrace her bosss advances for the sake of literary inspiration. 10.35 Nurse Jackie (R) (S) Jackie gets a nasty surprise.

10.30 EastEnders (R) (S) (AD) Cora explains her recent behaviour to Patrick.

10.0 The Chef Who Conquered New York: Serving Up Paul Liebrandt Storyville (S) Documentary tracing the Stateside career of British celebrity chef Paul Liebrandt.

11.15 Out For Justice (John Flynn, 1991) (S) A Brooklyn cop targets a drugs baron. Predictable actionthriller, starring Steven Seagal and William Forsythe.

11.0 Family Guy (R) (S) Lois helps out Peter at work. 11.25 Family Guy (R) (S) Lois teaches a high school sex-ed class. 11.45 American Dad! (R) (S) Steves out for revenge. (First episode in a double bill.)
3.30 The Food Programme. Featuring nalists from the Food and Farming Awards. (R) 4.0 Tim Key And Gogols Overcoat. The comedian tells his own version of Nikolai Gogols story The Overcoat. 4.30 The Digital Human. The potential impact of advances in technology on the human character. Last in the series. 5.0 PM. With Eddie Mair. 5.57 Weather 6.0 Six OClock News 6.30 Im Sorry I Havent A Clue. New series. The return of the long-running comedy panel show. 7.0 The Archers. Joe shows o his new purchase. 7.15 Front Row. Arts and culture programme, presented by Mark Lawson. 7.45 Children In Need: Jess Story. By Nell Leyshon.

11.10 Fish: A Japanese Obsession (R) (S) Writer Charles Rangeley-Wilson explores the Japanese obsession with sh.

11.05 Embarrassing Bodies (R) (S) Dr Dawn Harper meets a patient whose bowel condition has caused stomach scarring.

11.10 BrandX With Russell Brand Topical comedy show. 11.40 Flight Of The Conchords (R) (S) Murray falls for a techsupport woman, but hes too shy to tell her how he feels.

High Plains Drifter, C5


4.0 News 4.06 HARDtalk 4.30 Sport Today 5.0 World Brieng 5.30 World Business Report 6.0 World Have Your Say 7.0 World Brieng 7.30 Discovery 7.50 From Our Own Correspondent 8.0 News 8.06 HARDtalk 8.30 The Strand 8.50 Witness 9.0 Newshour 10.0 News 10.06 Outlook 10.30 World Business Report 11.0 World Brieng 11.30 Business Daily 11.50 Witness 12.0 World Brieng 12.30 Discovery 12.50 Sports News 1.0 World Brieng 1.30 World Business Report 1.50 From Our Own Correspondent 2.0 News 2.06 HARDtalk 2.30 Outlook 3.0 Newsday 3.30 The Strand 3.50 Witness 4.0 Newsday 4.30 Discovery 4.50 From Our Own Correspondent 5.0 Newsday

and produced by Jill Waters. 10.0 Womans Hour. 11.0 The Naughty Pictures Committees. Laurie Taylor marks the centennial of the BBFC. 11.30 55 And Over. New series. Peter Souters romantic comedy. 12.0 News 12.04 You And Yours. 12.57 Weather 1.0 The World At One. 1.45 In Pursuit Of The Ridiculous. New series. Matthew Oates presents a series about naturalists and their pursuits. 2.0 The Archers. Romance is in the air. (R) 2.15 Afternoon Drama: Children In Need: All The Blood In My Veins. By Katie Hims. (R) 3.0 Round Britain Quiz. Teams from Wales and Northern Ireland.

8.0 Document. The role of the BBC Hungarian Service in the Second World War. Last in the series. 8.30 Analysis. The prospects for democratic pluralism in the Arab world. Last in the series. 9.0 Material World. With Quentin Cooper. (R) 9.30 Start The Week. With Kevin Macdonald, Roger Graef, Aman Sethi and Jenny Uglow. 9.59 Weather 10.0 The World Tonight. With Ritula Shah. 10.45 Book At Bedtime: The Liars Gospel. By Naomi Alderman. Abridged by Sally Marmion. 11.0 Mastertapes. John Wilson talks to Suzanne Vega. 11.30 Today In Parliament. Sean Curran presents. 12.0 News And Weather

12.30 Book Of The Week: Former People. By Douglas Smith. Abridged and produced by Jill Waters. (R) 12.48 Shipping Forecast

Radio 4 Extra
Digital only
6.0 Orphans In Waiting 6.30 White Heat 7.0 Safety Catch 7.30 The Museum Of Curiosity 8.0 Beyond Our Ken 8.30 Steptoe And Son 9.0 Count Arthur Strongs Radio Show! 9.30 Legal, Decent, Honest And Truthful 10.0 Show Boat 11.0 Chattering 11.15 Loose Ends 12.0 Beyond Our Ken 12.30 Steptoe And Son 1.0 Orphans In Waiting 1.30 White Heat 2.0 The Color Purple 2.15 Laurence Llewelyn-

Bowens Men Of Fashion 2.30 Gods Architect: Pugin And The Building Of Romantic Britain 2.45 Other Peoples Children 3.0 Show Boat 4.0 The 4 OClock Show 5.0 Like Theyve Never Been Gone 5.30 Safety Catch 6.0 The Price Of Fear 6.30 Weird Tales 7.0 Beyond Our Ken 7.30 Steptoe And Son 8.0 Orphans In Waiting 8.30 White Heat 9.0 Chattering 9.15 Loose Ends 10.0 Comedy Club: The Museum Of Curiosity 10.30 Count Arthur Strongs Radio Show! 11.0 The Now Show 11.30 On Baby Street 12.0 The Price Of Fear 12.30 Weird Tales 1.0 Orphans In Waiting 1.30 White Heat 2.0

World Service

Digital and 198 kHz after R4


8.30 Business Daily 8.50 Sports News 9.0 News 9.06 HARDtalk 9.30 The Strand 9.50 Witness 10.0 World Update 11.0 World Have Your Say 11.30 The Why Factor 11.50 From Our Own Correspondent 12.0 News 12.06 Outlook 12.30 The Strand 12.50 Witness 1.0 News 1.06 HARDtalk 1.30 Business Daily 1.50 Sports News 2.0 Newshour 3.0 World Brieng 3.30 Outlook

12.11.12 The Guardian 23

Puzzles

On the web For tips and all manner of crossword debates go to guardian.co.uk/crosswords

Quick crossword no 13,264


Across
1 Stop right there! Slower! (3,2,4) 8 Lacking any competence (5) 9 Hot Mediterranean wind (7) 10 Folded square scarf worn on head or shoulders (8) 11 An arm (and a leg) (4) 13 Spanish dish of rice, shellsh and chicken (6) 14 Clumsy (6) 16 Ungulates foot (4) 17 Italian restaurant (8) 19 Lottery with a rotating drum (7) 20 Contradict (5) 21 Batmans Robin (3,6)
6 8 7 9 1 2 3 4 5

Sudoku no 2,342

4 6 7 3

7 9 3 5 3 6
Want more? Access over 4,000 archive puzzles at guardian.co.uk/crossword. Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only 20 inc UK p&p (save 7.96). Visit guardianbooks.co.uk or call 0330 333 6846.

10 12 13 15 16 18 19 20 17 14

11

Down
1 Kernel holder (8) 2 Bunch of hanging threads (6) 3 Gumbo (4) 4 Top of the world (6,6) 5 Stirrer (12) 6 Pay for something (4,2,3,3) 7 Ukulele player from Lancashire, d. 1961 (6,6) 12 Island part of Tanzania (8)

21

7 9 4 5 4 9 7 1 6 3 2 8 1 4 5 4 6 1 2 8
Easy. Fill the grid so that each row, column and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. Printable version at guardian.co.uk/sudoku

15 Magician (from Oz?) (6) 18 Flightless bird, extinct since the 17th century (4)
Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0039 or text GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day and date the crossword appeared another space and the CLUE reference to 85010 (e.g GUARDIANQ Wednesday24 Down20). Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Texts cost 50p a clue plus standard network charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline).

Solution no 13,263
HOBO VANQU I SH A R S L A N E TWO S T E P T I T L E E N U H A E L MI XUP A I RERS A O C I H I N V E R T E D C O MM A L E N O R P R I V E T C OWE R Z B I A C I I ODOUR UL Y S S E S O S G R X P O MN EMO N I C C Y A N

Solution to no 2,341
7 6 8 3 1 5 2 9 4 5 2 4 9 8 7 3 1 6 3 9 1 2 4 6 7 5 8 6 5 3 8 7 2 1 4 9 9 1 2 6 5 4 8 7 3 4 8 7 1 9 3 6 2 5 1 4 9 7 3 8 5 6 2 8 7 6 5 2 9 4 3 1 2 3 5 4 6 1 9 8 7

Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0036. Calls cost 77p a minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from a BT landline). Free tough puzzles at www.puzzler. com/guardian

Doonesbury If...

24 The Guardian 12.11.12

Steve Bell

Garry Trudeau

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