THE

LEEK
IF IT BLEEDS,IT LEADS
IF IT BURNS,IT EARNS
IF YOU EXPERIENCE BOTH-CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR
 The purpose of The Leek is to act a s a creative
outlet for the students of Weston high School
and enhance the community of Weston High
School through humor.

R
 Head Writer : Mike Friend Editor: Eliza Chang Staff Writers: Michael Glen & Daniel Friend
Issue #2 04/2008

New Study says

Teens not
reckless enough
see National Issues page 6

The Police Minutes

see Local page 10

A Message From
Generic University
see page 2

It's Raining Men ?

see The Weather page 7

Boredom, The
Silent Killer?
See National Issues Page 4

Continues page 3
 Generic University
Dear Student,
Your hard work in high school has been turning heads at our institution. So we would ask that you
take a look at one of the finest educational institutions in the United States of America Generic
University. Generic University boasts both the smallest and largest campus in the United States.
With a faculty-student ratio of several to many, you will receive the personalized education you need
while being able to interact with a large student body that is small in nature. Our illustrious
institution prides itself on diversity, with students hailing from every continent including the lost city
of Atlantis. As a university, we also pride ourselves on our athletic excellence. We have sports teams
in every division, including divisions IV and V, and have won many different conferences,
championships and spirit awards.

Student Profile: The student we are looking for has a G.P.A between 0.0 and
5.0, SATs between 600-2400 and many or no extracurricular activities. 100%
of the student body are among the bottom and top decile of their class. We are
looking for driven and determined student who is always on time but is not
too obsessed with keeping a schedule.
Essay Questions:
1.Describe yourself in 500 Egyptian hieroglyphics or less.
2.If you were running to be the next president of the United States describe your
policy on the importation and exportation of citrus fruit in the mid-west in 489
words or less.
3. Pick a square inch anywhere on the globe and tell us why it should be wiped
from existence in 300 or less words.
Optional Essay Question 247 words or less (these essays are required fro
admission)
1. Would you rather die in an implosion or an explosion? Tell us why and how it
relates to your intended major.

John Doe Smith

 "If only someone did
something exciting or
stupid"

Visit our website at

theleek.bravehost.com to find

out about our history and to

download a copy of The Leek

(in Technicolor!) for yourself

Contiunes Page 6
 America needs a leader who has no experience,
wisdom, or a full set of teeth

AMERICA NEEDS PELTER F. KOOFS

What does Pelter F. Koofs stand for?

Pelter is german for yellow lotus

F Stands for industructible
Koofs is Croatian for "milkmaid"

Pelter F. Koofs:
A Man who stands for indestructible yellow lotus milkmaid
 "My message to teenagers is to stay out late,
drive fast and not to worry about any
responsibilities you have to others or society at
large”
 "As the droplets accelerate at over one
thousand feet per second they begin to
stretch out into the shapes of muscular men.
These shapes are then solidified by a
combination of lightning, evaporated milk
and lots of Doritos.”
 Steven Hawkings'

It literally makes
the pounds
disapear

Watch your self go

from a size 25 to a
size 6, then to
nothing at all!

WITH 1000 BLACK HOLES PER PILL

GUARANTEED.

UPGRADE TO THE SUPERNOVA PACKAGE FOR

ONLY 7 EASY PAYMENTS OF $ 19.95!
Chief of Medicine at John Welter of the
Beth Israel says: "This is New York Times
a gross misuse of says: " What is
theoretical physics happening to my
and is dangerous not body, OH NO, OH
only to human beings NO!!!"
but the very fabric of
reality"
 Generic University
The Acceptance Letter
The Admission committee is excited to inform you that YOU HAVE BEEN ADMITTED TO THE CLASS
OF 2012 AND WE ARE GOING TO CONTINUE TO WRITE IN CAPTITAL LETTERS IN EVERY
CORRESPONDECE WITH YOU HEREAFTER! You should be proud that you will be one of the many
homogeneous students being admitted to Generic University. As an institution with many long standing and
flexible traditions, we hope to see you here at Generic Auditorium in the fall! Go Generics!

John Doe
Smith

The Rejection Letter

Dear Rejected Applicant,
The Admission committee regrets to inform you that you have been rejected,
denied, forsaken, relinquished, shunned and barred from admission at Generic
University. We really wanted to take you…really, but felt that you were vastly
underqualified to attend the institution that could have made you into a success. We
have also taken a restraining order on you, so do not attempt to come within five
hundred yards of our fabulous institution unless you want to end up in jail. We hope
that this generic and completely insincere letter has alleviated all the pain of
rejection you are currently experiencing and makes up for all the time you wasted
writing our essays and filling out our application.

John Doe
Smith
Jean Valjean:[ in a nice tenor voice] But I only stole a loaf of bread!
Inspector Javert: [deep throaty bass] You are a criminal, so you shall be sentenced to jail!
Jean Valjean: But I only stole,[sadly singing now] a loaf of bread.
Random chorus in back of court room: Guilty!Guilty! Guilty!
Judge: What the hell is going on? Stop singing!
Inspector Javert: Number 24601! You shall be found guilty
Jean Valjean: I only stole a loaf of bread, to save my [in high soprano] family!
Random chorus in back of court room: Guilty!Guilty! Not Innocent!
Jean Valjean: But I only stole a loaf…a loaf of…[ really loud tenor voice]bread!
Judge: That is it! Court dismissed! [bangs gavel in musical rhythm]I hold all of you in contempt! Get
out of my courtroom!
Jean Valjean: But I only stole-
Judge: Shut up!

Stealing is wrong, no matter how

delicious the consequences