11/07/97 8:40 AM There was a large house that seems like it was a sort of hotel surrounded by mountains all

on its own in a small valley but not too far from a town. There were efforts made to aim the TV antenna to get good reception. The cardinal points were on their minds. They were unsettled. When wakening came the dream was almost lost. Why was I awakened at 5:58AM. I saw the lights of a car going around the corner right out here and wonder if that vehicle might have somehow disturbed my sleep. Then I awoke at 8:30 AM and got up to piss, Warmed the hot choc left from last night. Lit some Woodland Bois incense and put a casette tape in the tape player and heard Jon Bon Jovi singing Blaze of Glory. I felt a need to make a change in what has become a routine every morning now. The sunlight warmth is so very attractive that its what I think about as soon as I get up. It was the same this morning but I changed the routine or shall we say: The routine is changed this morning. The connection between Mary and Bill is that it is because of Marys phone call back in early 1994, demanding that I find a way to look after Hunter for the summer months that brought Bill into my home where he has positioned himself and has remained in parasitic dependence for more than four three years now. When I look back on it, it seems very strange indeed in a way that I wasnt aware of back then. Its almost as if Mary knew that I knew someone, knew Bill, who I could call on to help with Hunter. She knew I lived alone and knew that it would not be possible for me to leave Hunter alone while I went to work. Its almost as if she knew that Bill would be there to fulfil th role of supervising Hunter. So its good that I should remind myself and reinforce with the internal feed-back loop the message so graphically communicated. It menas to get active today and do a lot of stuff then there is the competing advice to do exactly as I feel. Like sit in the sun all day and read. Take a walk. Write. But there are

other things to do. Like send the confidentiality agreement to Nathan Boone at Agricola Partners. So I think of right now writing a letter to accompany it with a brief intro and description. 11/07/97 11:36 AM Eric Fromme was not a pomme nor was he a froggie no chink no fritz but Red to the bone enmeshed in existential angst how dry and grey like come what may he writes without much joy much harder to read it is indeed better to sit in the sun it warms so I sit here hoping for relief waiting for the night time stars the mily way the crescent moon Even more I find myself feeling powerless to act in accord with my inner feeling of the need to solitude. I mean the sort of solitude that I recall experiencing when I could wake up in the morning when I was ready to wake rather than being woken up by the noise of neigfhbors or of an univited guest in my home who claims that it is in fact as much his home or more than mine.

So when I feel this way, treated unfairly and feeling the loss due that unfair treatment, acutely, I tend to become aware of a possibility that an awareness of wholeness may bring about a transformation of the state of consciousness to one that is so satisfying I could even call it desireless. Of course, the way I was feeling is a classical case of the confinement ofconsciousness, or fixation of awareness on a miniscule fragment of the whole. Being chained down. So I have to wonder if I again refer to this mornings reading of Erich Frommes: The Sane Society, I am actively participating in my own confinement? Then however I become aware that in the experience of writing, if this is still writing (to tap the keys on the keyboard of this portable computer), is as realized last night like an internal feedback loop which serves the self organizing function that assists in the sustenance of the autopoietic system which is whole consciousness; whole psyche; in the sense of temporal and spatial integration; meaning all consciousness in all times, past, present and future. I am now recalling how once I would fill plastic cartridges with India Ink and plug them into a calligraphy pen that looked like a fountain pen and I would use that fountain pen to write letters on a page. I enjoyed the process of applying the ink to the white paper. Reading Eric Fromme can be very depressing. In this book as in others, he goes on and on with a relentless scathing criticism of the condition of modern society (at the time of writing, 1955, the trends seem remarkably like those of today, more than forty years later). Fromme describes life as almost absurd and since he is a psychonanalyst of the Freudian training, he says withour saying that modern life and modern western industrial society is not sane becasue it does not fulfill the needs of man. But what about his own needs. Does he really know? Im reminding of a realization I had after reading Plato and feeling that even Plato had a tendency to be pedantic - to dictate to other people - his readers - to extend

his view of reality into regions where it no longer has any validity a trace of egotism - an over estimate of his knowledge. One of the lessons I feel I have learned in life that is perhaps the single most significant, is Uncertainty. Where there is too much certainty there is too much ego and too much illusion. I have found that only where there is an awareness of healthy realm of Uncertainty, can there be room for beauty and goodness, for perfection and love and truth. It is no coincidence that I feel very stringly drawn to the writings of Werner Heisenberg because of his involvement in the introduction of the awareness of Uncertainty into the field of science known as quantum theory. Reading the last book I have in which there are transcripts of lecture delivered by Heisenberg toward the end of his life on Earth, he makes the point that at the time of formulation of quantum mechanics there was much discussion, especially promoted and supported by Nils Bohr, about the idea that the language of physics, and language in general since it has been developed to serve a function in a world which is by nature of human dimension and experience; cannot necessarilly be expected to be adequate to describe experiences in unfamiliar realms in which language has not had time to evolve. The realm of the atom and relativistic velocities is such a world that has not had a great influence on the devlopment of language and concepts. This tendency of Bohr, reveals a holisitc tendency in his thinking. To go beyond the narrow confines fo physics and mathematics to the very fundamental basis of the activity they were involved in. The development of Quantum Theory, according to Heisenberg, came about as a result not just of solitary contemplation of data but as a result also of extensive interactions and discussions between physicists. What then occurred during these lunch time discussions and breakfasts and lectures? Language was used to communicate ways of viewing atomic phenomena. Its interesting that Bohr was able to understand the key role of language in the process of development of Quantum Theory that they were all involved in;

and to contemplate language itself and its long and uncertain history. This, sayd Heisenberg help to understand his discovery that Uncertainty is a fundamental aspect of experience that although it isnt apparent in the world of everyday experience of physical reality, is in fact there. I suggests that Uncertainty and its dicovery in the process of evolving Quantum Theory, may be viewed as the emergence of the realization that Uncertainty is a fundamental quality of psyche and in developing quantum theory, the physicists involved actually were looking into physical phenomena in its microscopic fine structure and in doing so they saw throught the surface appearance of sensory impressions into the underlying concealled psychic nature of all perception and ths saw diesctly into the psychic reality of existence. Our entire experience is by definition - psyche. When we view psyche as conditioned by sensory experience we tend to make some assumptions that appear to be true in the realm of sensory experiences, One would be that everything in our experience can be measured, predicted, classified, analyzed, judged, appro ved and disapproved, accepted and rejected. So long as we limit our awareness to sensory perception we tend to perpetuate this illusion. However, when awareness is liberated from the chains which confine it in sensory perception, it enters a vast realm of psyche in which uncertainty becomes a key realization to experience. The problem here with maintaining the illusion of certainty is the destabilizing catastrophic possibilities that we open ourselves up to should we experience something that we have not predicted and calculated. When it strikes us in our strategic areas of weakness the result can be quite devastating. Most of us rely on predictability in our places of residence, in our private family interactions and relationships, and in our patterns of activity and relationship with which we provide for our livlihood. If we predict wrong then we can lose our means of sustenance and find ourselves impoverished and alone.

I remember Dave Coates, back in late 1954 or early 1085making statements that were indirect sarcastic and ridiculing criticisms of my chosen conduct in writing. He spoke of writing letters to myself. It reminds me of a characteristic of Bills; to ridicule ruthlessly. The rpoblem with this sort of conduct, is that it separates. Those like Dave and Bill who engage in it, believing that it is necessary to erase self importance, quietly neglect to comment on the damage, the harm. the sufferring and pain that they inflict and the destructive results of that. There is a choice. The natural course of psyche is the unfolding of wholeness and the awakening of consciousness. It may be reasonable to suggest that awakening requires awakening to the truth about uncertainty and egolessness. However it is not necessary to subject people to verbal and physical abuse, to be cruel and sadistic as in the Bill/Dave methodology, to assist in this awakening. I consider that to be an illusion that is counterproductive and that in fact retards the process of awakening. I need only to look too Bill and Dave to see two peole, who, although they exhibit signs of an advanced stage of psychic development, show in an extraordinary degree, the insecurities of inadequateess that they express in the form of false self confidence, an unnatural loevel of self praise, bragging, lack of humility and prominent egotism. My own experience is that there has been a consistent trend in my own approach to the world and to reality that was always as long as I can remember are core value in my life, since childhood. I have always had a healthy respect for the nurturing of the freedom of choice of the people with whom I come in contact. This has been especially true of my children and the women in my life as well as my closest friends and coworkers as well as my tormentors - in particular, Gail, Mary, Dave. Micky and Bill. It becomes particularly difficult to know how to conduct myself when faced by a situation in which a tormentor who is destructive in my life, is acting quite deliberately to suffocate my freedom of choice. This has never been quite as acute as it is right now in relation to the activities of the man Bill Hammack, who is living in

my home by force and without my consent. This man who has attempted to disguise himself as a friend has now been exposed as the one person Ive met in my life who has more than any other opposed my most basic right to life, freedom and happiness with the use of death threatsm verbal abuse, harassment, physical assaults, theft and appopriation of my property, invasion of my privacy, constant observationand scrutiny of my most personal and routine activities, deprivation of my freedom of choice and gross disturbances of the peace and tranquility of my everyday life. Prior to him, Mary would have ranked as the person who has caused the most destructive and damaging effects in my life and before her it was Gail. Gail, Mary and Bill are the three people who have caused me the most pain and suffering in this world. It is difficult to nurture the freedom of choice of another person when that person is acting ruthlessly to deprive you of freedom of choice. Ive always resolved this contradiction by envisioning freedom of choice as a condition of a collective of people. There is no freedom of choice to interfere in the freedom of choice of others. I other words, the condition that I nurture is to leave people alone and to alloow them to work things out for themselves. There is clearly a very marked antagonism right here in my home. The only antagonisms that compare with it are those that I once felt with Gail and later with Mary. In each case the antagonism stems from the selfish and destructive acts of thses people, their insensitivity to my needs, theft and deception. In each case there is the common linkage of psychological manipulation and control. In each case thses people have attempted to influence and change my patterns of conduct in one way and another. The techniques differ but the experience is much the same. It is a feeling of suffocation. A feeling of being denied what is rightfully mine. In the latest form it has taken on new meaning. Now free choice is embraced by a spiritual dimension. That of prajna or transcendental wisdom that is the super-intelligence of divine and

sacred origin that is revealled to us via the unconscious in the from of feelings like cravings and hunger and thirsts. 11/07/97 1:27 PM There is a certain comfort that comes from being able to turn to the ability to deny oneself what one wants.